The Secret Love Affair I Can't Tell Anyone About... 🤐 | Love Addiction Part 2
(Watch Part 1 of This Series HERE)
It can feel agonizing to be addicted to someone you can't have or don't have consistency within a relationship. So when this happens, we build this fantasy life in our head about the possibility of having a relationship with this person that feels so good and exciting and feels like it's the perfect thing.
It's the answer to all your problems, so much so that you become obsessed and addicted. Now, this can happen in a few different ways. You can have a mad crush on someone in your daily life, like maybe he was a boy at school or a woman with whom you work closely. You can also have this addicted type of love for someone you've never met but feel like you know them.
Similar to how sometimes people can fall for a celebrity, an actor, a musician, or a politician because that person is usually putting themselves out there so that you feel like you know them even though they don't know who you are. You build this perfect fantasy world of how having this person will 100% complete you.
It's not being able to have the person that fuels the addiction. At some point, you either had an interaction with someone or an imagined interaction with someone that triggered something in you so deep that you can't stop thinking about it.
#1 sign
One sign that you may have this addiction would be--you can't stop thinking about the person. It starts to take up a lot of your time and energy. You find yourself imagining different scenarios where you can be together, and you'll also notice that you desperately look for any signs or clues that the person feels the same way about you.
Now when you're in this state, it's easy to convince yourself of things that aren't true because you're so hyper-vigilantly looking for signs and clues. It's easy to make up things that just aren't there or mean more than a person meant for them to be.
Now, this is more than maybe you have a favorite celebrity actor you think is attractive.
This addicted love is like an obsession. It takes over.--limerence is an addicted phase or form of love. Like with any other type of addiction, the problem is the thing that you're addicted to can't ever really satisfy or settle that need inside, which keeps you going back over and over again.
So just like when someone's addicted to alcohol, the addiction is the obsession with the alcohol, and the behavior is drinking. Likewise, when someone is addicted to another person, the addiction is the obsession with them, which results in stalking.
Sign #2
Stalking means following them around, watching them from the bushes or other forms that come more subtly. But, of course, you could be doing these and not admitting that you're stalking them. One of these is making excuses or reasons to be where you know they will appear. Like making sure that you show up in a store where you know they're going to be on a particular day or that you get into a class that you know they've signed up for.
It's like this secret planning of these little run-ins with that person because there's a desperation to have any closeness because of the fantasy you've created in your head that you could finally have that thing you desire.
Another form of stalking is social media stalking. Now most of us are familiar with that; it's when you're stalking someone's Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat and obsessively watching. You're looking at your phone or device a million times a day. You have this anxiety and need to check and see what they're posting or what's happening on their social media.
You may start to make up reasons or excuses to reach out to this person or have any contact with them. You might be trying to spy on this person through other people, so you're spying on them in person; you're spying on them with their social media. And then you start recruiting other little spies in your ring by asking other people for specific information. It's like vicarious stalking. These stalking behaviors can initially seem funny, cute, and maybe even romantic, but they become nasty, ugly, and abusive. In the most extreme forms of it, you see it as a person peeping in their blinds, which then results in all kinds of other crazy behavior and terrible decision-making; you've got to be careful when you're in this addicted love state because you're very likely to do something that you're going to regret.
If you feel this addicted state of mind, you'll become increasingly desperate, leading you to make awful choices.
Sign #3
For example, maybe you are addicted to a married person and know you can't have them because they are married. You're probably going to start engaging in fantasies about what if they left their partner. What if their partner were to get a divorce? What if. What if?
Obsession can be dangerous and can happen to anyone. The more you allow this to happen (I call it going in the rabbit hole), the more it takes control, and you start losing more and more control over yourself. It ends with regret, loss, sadness, and hurt for yourself and others. You can't be present consistently in your life when you're in an addicted state. Things around you start to fall apart. People around you begin to get unhappy with you. You start to get pretty dissatisfied with yourself. You might even find yourself falling into a depressive state.
If you realize you're in this state and are ready to be done with it, let's talk about how to get past this addiction. You do the same things as you would to get past any addiction. Stop engaging in the obsession.
It's become a habit, and the fantasy life will creep into your mind. Still, YOU decide whether you will fuel that thought or start planning, scheming, fantasizing, and remembering when and indulging in this thought process. You are in control of that gas pedal much more than you think you are. You have to stop trying to be around them, stop looking at their social media, and stop finding reasons to reach out to them. Like with any addiction, it's easy to trick yourself.
I know you're going to have a thousand excuses. But, still, if this addiction is taking over your life and causing you to do things that you know you shouldn't be doing and make bad choices, then you're going to have to make massive changes to get rid of the obsession just like you would if you had any other type of addiction.
How to stop obsessing...
One of the basics in recovery is changing your people, places, and things. And when you're addicted to a person, you're addicted to the thought of that person. So it's a lot more than staying away from that person. It's staying away from the idea of that person from the fantasy life you have built related to some relationship with that person.
You cannot let yourself go into that rabbit hole. So if there are certain places you go that remind you of that person, stop going there for a while. If there are certain people around that are connected to that person or remind you of that person, take a little break from being around those people for a while.
Avoid your triggers and redirect yourself.
You have power and control.
Amber Hollingsworth
The Painful Reality of Love Addiction - Uncovering the Signs in Part 1
Next, we will discuss love addiction when you're in a relationship--watch part three of this series here:
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