I love you, but I'm not in love with you. What exactly does that mean, and what do you do about it?
What that typically means is that the person doesn't have those attraction butterflies towards you. They still care about you as a person, but they're just not feeling that romantic chemistry. Usually, when people say this, they had it before, but they lost it somewhere in the process.
Let's look at what it means on the other side of the issue. It's only natural to want to feel that strong desire feeling. To have that craving of wanting to feel the excitement. The new love romance feeling happens because of the chemical dopamine.
Dopamine is the desire chemical which is one of the reasons why we're talking about this topic because all things addiction is related to dopamine.
Early on in a romantic relationship, you usually have a lot of infatuation feelings. The clinical term for that is limerence, but it's the state of mind where you crave the other person.
You're almost obsessed. Your reason and rationality go way down, and your desire and motivation go away up. It's a good feeling because it's exciting and it means that you're attracted to another person, and your thoughts can even become consumed with that person.
Honestly, that's what's supposed to happen in a relationship. You see, humans are made that way. We're made so that when we first get attracted to someone, we're obsessed with them, and we want to be around them all the time. We think about nothing else, and we want to make them happy. We're interested in anything they're interested in. It makes you want that person all the time, and we can't get enough of them. That's all about science and procreation. However, that feeling wears off, and IT'S SUPPOSED TO wear off.
Typically that infatuation stage can last somewhere between eight to twelve months. That stage can last longer in cases where you can't have the other person. For example, if it's a long-distance relationship or someone is in love with a person, but they're not available to them. It can extend this infatuation or limerence stage, and that can be unhealthy. You have to remember those butterflies are supposed to wear off.
A lot of relationships and even marriages and families fall apart because of this. One really important thing I want you to know if you're the one thinking or feeling this is that this is about a desire to feel attractive.
After that initial infatuation phase with someone, it doesn't ever come back really strong like that. It doesn't mean something's wrong with the relationship. It just means you've moved on to a different phase of the relationship. There are things you can do in a relationship that will help you stay more attractive, but you're not going to get those strong limerence infatuation feelings back. Once you've been in a long-term relationship with someone, it's just the biology of the situation. Please keep in mind that it doesn't mean you're not with the wrong person for you. If this is you and you're in this situation, one thing you might want to do is assess your expectations.
If you're married to someone and have children together, and you're thinking about breaking up your whole family over this feeling,
I want you to think really hard about it. I'm not saying ignore it completely, but maybe you and your spouse need to work on recreating a little bit more attractiveness to each other.
If you're the person that's recently heard this statement, it can feel devastating, and I'm not going to lie to you, there's some bad news here. To be honest, when someone says this to you, they've been thinking it and feeling it for a long time before they said it. They probably had to work up the courage to say it and the unfortunate thing about that is, during all that time they've spent with that thought and that feeling they've been nurturing that feeling and it's been building.
What it means is I want that feeling back, which means I want to have that romance with someone else. By the time someone says that to you, they may already be in a relationship with someone else. If they're not already in a relationship with someone else, they're likely already looking for it and want it.
If someone has said this to you, it is a major warning sign that you definitely need to pay attention to and not take it lightly. If you want to save this relationship, it's going to take hard work. You're going to have to focus on being attractive to the other person but not needy. When someone says this to you, it throws you into a state of desperation. You either get mean or needy. Neither of which are very attractive. If someone is saying this to you, you have to gain control and contain those emotions. I know, all of your instincts are probably screaming and wanting you to make all kinds of bad decisions.
If you've been in a long-term relationship, there's no way to get that strong butterfly feeling back, but you can bring a little bit of the spark back by becoming attractive!
One of the most important qualities that will make you more attractive is confidence.
This is why if you get needy, desperate, or angry that's not portraying confidence.
Intelligence is another factor that makes you attractive. Sometimes this scenario of I love you, but I'm not in love with you happens when one person feels like they've outgrown or become bored with the other person.
Maybe that means you haven't had very many stimulating conversations lately. You've probably noticed things have gotten a little stale. Are you bringing something stimulating intellectually into the relationship?
Another quality that makes you attractive is your passion and your drive. If you're bored with life and you've given up and fallen into a slump, it's hard to be attractive. If you're stuck in a relationship, it's a good idea to work on yourself to build up your confidence. All of your best qualities are going to come through when you're in that state, making you more attractive to the other person.
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