You've Stuck By Them Through Their Addiction, and Now They Decide To Leave You

This situation came up in one of our groups recently. Someone posted about how their boyfriend of five years left them for another girl, and now he's sober, they're together, and this person is left feeling like, what does she have that I don't have? Of course, it always hurts if somebody breaks up with you or leaves a relationship. It hurts when someone breaks up with you if you don't like them. So it digs in when someone you've put up with all of their crap and forgiven them a million times, stood by their side, had their back, fixed their problems. It is like a jab in the heart when this person leaves you.

Because not only does the loss hurt, but the pure rejection of it feels massive. So I want you to understand how and why that happens.

Their addiction has been wanting to get rid of you for a long time because you're the one standing in the way between them and the addiction. In most cases, someone's addiction will trigger you to act crazy, be the bad guy role, yell, scream, threaten, nag, and throw out ultimatums.

And while all that's happening, you've got the addiction over here, which solves all their problems, makes them feel fantastic, and then there's you who makes them feel terrible and crappy and keeps them from what they want. I know that is an entirely unfair characterization, but looking at it through their lens, that's the picture they see.

Even if you've watched all my videos and worked hard not to be in the bad guy role, that person probably associates you with feeling inadequate, guilty, and shameful. So being around you prompts all those negative feelings of anger, resentment, hurt, shame, guilt, and pressure. So sometimes, when an addicted person leaves the relationship, it's because their addiction has won and addiction has wanted to push you out for a long time because once you're out, it has complete control of the other person. You're the last thing standing in the way. They want you out.

Another time an addicted person will leave a relationship is when they've met someone else. Now it can be one of two ways. First, this can be someone else who is also addicted. Maybe that person also engages in whatever addictive behavior your partner or spouse participates in. And so being around that person makes them feel less bad about it, which makes them feel great about it. And now they have a using buddy. Not a fair competition, but it is what it is.

Now, in the situation where somebody leaves the relationship, gets with someone else, and then gets sober.

I know it makes you mad because at least if they're going to leave the relationship, you have that secret part of you that's like, I hope it's terrible and crappy and they learn their lesson, but if they get sober and they're with this other person, that sucks. But the truth is, sometimes, a new relationship is an addiction in and of itself.

So instead of being like, what does this person have that I don't have? You need to understand that they've traded one addiction for another. You have to ask yourself what's going to happen when the addictive part of that relationship wears off because, eventually, the newness and the novelty, and the excitement are going to go away. Then that other person will also have frustrations and expectations of them at that point. A lot of times, the pink cloud burst, and they're usually going to find themselves in the same situation with the new person as they did with you.

There's a high chance that their other addiction will come back eventually. And when that addiction comes back, guess what that other person will do? They will respond to it like you did because that's what anyone would do. So it's a natural response to be upset, to try to get the person to stop.

So as much as it hurts and as painful as it is, I want you to know as far as they're concerned, the grass isn't greener. It may look temporarily like they have this happy, fabulous life, and they're living it up. They're doing everything they wanted to do, but I promise you that won't last.

The biggest thing I want you to know, as painful as it is, it lets you off the hook here because it's tough for you to leave a relationship with the addicted person because you constantly feel guilty. You feel like maybe I should have supported them more. Perhaps I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have been more optimistic about it because I feel bad for leaving them in a bad state. So I know this doesn't make you feel better, but at least you don't have to carry the guilt for the situation. Now, the more deeply you understand addiction, how it works, how it changes someone's brain, and how it changes the way they see things, I think it will help you feel a little better about the situation.

Amber Hollingsworth

Watch these videos next because sometimes, making sense of something gives us the closure we seek.