The Most Courageous Addiction Recovery Story You've Ever Heard
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[00:00:00] In 2010 I got off the airplane in Raleigh North Carolina and I was arrested and I had been working at sobriety now I wasn't completely sober but I was doing a lot better with things and I thought like my past was somewhat behind me for something but I stepped off this airplane in Raleigh coming back for a visit from Canada and I got arrested right there
That was really one of the big moments where I realized I needed to make changes for my life it was just kind of that weird thing because I wasn't at a rock bottom at that point in my life like things were decently okay and I guess in a way I kind of hit one of my biggest rock bottoms and it just it reminded me of like the past is sometimes you have to deal with stuff
things don't always just go away because you're trying to better yourself in trying to get sober that's what I kind of took from it I mean it must have felt like kind of unfair though right like you're trying to do good you had your life getting on track and now out of nowhere [00:01:00] arrested
yeah I mean it all happened so quick too I can see that angle for it but I had done so much other stuff in my life that I wasn't necessarily busted for so I think it all just kind of caught up with me and looking back it was actually the best thing to really ever happen in my life
it was like is another strange thing to say but it was a different but incredible experience was there like a warrant out for you like did you have an idea that that could happen or was it like What the heck yeah yeah no no good question yeah there were definitely warrants but leading up to that for the previous year I was really heavy into my addiction
so I had no car no driver's license no job I was living on my brother's floor of his apartment I was living a pretty low-key life so they were obviously looking for me I used to get phone calls right from FedEx they would say oh it's FedEx and you have a a package right that you have to sign for
so I've heard of this yeah yeah so meet us at your parents' place and I was like like I just described my life and obviously nobody was sending me[00:02:00] anything important in the mail from FedEx that I didn't know about that I needed to sign right you won a prize I used to get these calls and I never put the pieces of the puzzle together until two years later what this was
But I had an idea there was warrants but I did not have an idea of how serious they were like I didn't th this was all for for drug trafficking charges
and I had sold narcotics to an undercover police officer that my friend friend I thought was my I mean he was a friend I mean he got caught to like there's no blame on him but he kind of set up this deal
I wasn't living that life I never was really into drug dealing the only drug dealing I ever did was to support a habit of addiction it wasn't Right like buy yachts and anything fancy I mean it was kind of a strange thing to get wrapped up into but yeah they were calling all the time need this need that and I'm just like I don't know anybody
I really didn't know anybody and then a couple times I caved into it and like I mean we're [00:03:00] talking maybe two $300 and and then you end up with eight felony counts of drug trafficking wow oh my what I mean like Right it's yeah it's interesting but I mean full accountability on my end too right
like my arm wasn't twisted that much to where I had to go through with this I obviously made choices what was it about that moment that was different because to me it sounds like one of those I call them like a moment of clarity where it's just like I knew like I just saw it differently and I knew something different what was it that happened at that moment that changed for you
yeah well when when I got off the airplane too like my life was better in a in a lot of aspects when I got off that airplane I was dating this girl for like probably three years beforehand and she was incredible and she was going to pick me up from the airport that day we were going to reconnect and we'd been talking on the mobile and stuff for a while while I was living up in Canada and we were going to reconnect
so I was excited for this to kind of be a different person right I was just not doing well and that showed in relationships and in [00:04:00] everything else in my life and when the cops put me up on the car to do their search and like pat you down and everything like that I saw her out of the corner of my eye
I saw her drive by the laneway every airport's got like the pickup lane mm-hmm she's just coming to pick you up right like Yeah and when she drove by she had didn't have any idea I was on the back of this cop car but I saw her to the corner of my eye and she just had a smile from ear to ear
like this was like an opportunity for us to to reconnect and stuff and I was excited and she was excited and I had this overwhelming kind of experience then to where I just was thinking to myself like you got to stop letting other people down and you got to stop letting yourself down ultimately and I kind of made this little promise to myself I guess you could say
that was enough of that that I was going to do really whatever it took and I didn't set out to get sober I didn't set out to just be a good person be a better person follow through with what I say I'm going to do and show up in the world better than how I've been [00:05:00] operating for the last five six years
and quite soon after that I found out like if I was going to do any of that like the way I used drugs and drank alcohol I would have to include sobriety into that because it wasn't possible for me once the substances hit then that was all I was worried about so That's interesting so your thought was I don't want to let anybody else down
I don't want to I don't want to feel this way I want to be a better person but even in that moment even though you sort of made that resolution to yourself you still didn't quite connect that it was the drugs and alcohol that was causing you to be the person that was disappointing people it that took longer
it sounds when did that part come yeah well I mean that probably wasn't until I was in jail for a bit like I wouldn't say it was a long process to put two and two together I started going to groups I started going to meetings talking to other people and reading books I quickly figured out that that was going to have to be part of this process
so when they arrested [00:06:00] you they took you to jail how long were you looking at what were you talking about like three months three years yeah no I think it was something like 20 years 20 years yeah yeah I know overwhelming
yeah but things actually played out in my favor I mean for a lot of different reasons it was kind of a give and take scenario towards the end I waited about seven months to go to court my folks too were kind of done supporting this journey financially I had been arrested other times
I was a convicted felon at 18 I got first charged when I was 16 I pled guilty to misdemeanor I was on probation from 16 to 17 I was on felony probation from 19 or 20 I had to submit DNA sample and fingerprints
So I kind of I I had a big history of addiction right like I had been to a treatment program for 17 months I had been to countless meetings celebrate Recovery aa na all the different groups I'd been to therapy counseling I mean since I was just young since I can remember when I was 10 and 11
it wasn't for [00:07:00] addiction but it was for dysfunction and behaviors I was diagnosed with a D H D put on Adderall when I got into high school put on medications for depression anxiety and so there was a long history of this stuff what the lawyer kind of was presenting is that I was someone who struggled with substance use disorder
And and that was the truth i I was not a drug dealer type fella so we were able to kind of prove that without a doubt the lawyer was able to grab four or five binders I mean they were this thick of all the paperwork over the years that kind of Helped me out with that
and after about seven months I went to court and it was the wildest day right so things kept getting pushed off pushed off my grandparents came through to hire this attorney it's like 25 grand for this guy wow yeah so I mean these are expensive consequences
and I go into the courtroom one day and it keeps getting pushed off I don't even know if I'm going into court today and I'm in a bullpen but it's like everybody waiting for court I mean it's complete chaos like if if you had a room full of five year olds [00:08:00] but like where everybody's just going crazy like a small bedroom and they're all just bouncing around
Because the anxiety and everybody's getting sentenced and it's like oh man we're getting and it wasn't good for people you're you're like waiting to have this moment which is like a huge moment in your life and I'm thinking everybody's coming back to like five years 10 years and most of these people been around the block a few times so they kind of know what's up like it's just it's a strange environment right it's like yeah let's go I'll see you in a couple weeks at the the penitentiary and stuff
This cannot be my life like how the heck did I end up here so they come in and they pull me out of this area and they bring me to like another floor and I've got the leg shackles and the bond was set at $250000
so obviously like I'm not bonding out so I was in jail for the seven eight months they go to the court date and then they put me in this quieter this little bullpen area so I was much more relaxed than I was in there for maybe 15 20 minutes and my lawyer comes in and the lawyer says Brad they won't agree to the plea
[00:09:00] right we were looking for like eight months for the judge for the DA to to agree on eight months and then we just go up and I plead guilty to everything so he is like the only other option we really have right now is that you can go and do an open plea so I'm like okay and the lawyer they don't spend much time with you
it's not like he came in and told me about this stuff before and I've been in jail for eight months I've seen him for maybe 15 20 minutes
so he says we can do this open plea this is basically the DA and me come to the agreement to leave it up to the judge we'll present the case and I've just seen this stuff on tv right where you're presenting this case and it's like maybe an hour long and talking about this guy's history and why he is such a good guy and we shouldn't put him away forever
and it was none of that it was about four minutes of them talking up at the bench there I so yeah he explained the open plea hey it's going to be up to the judge to decide right here on the spot like is it 20 years or is it eight months
it's up to him to figure out you're just sitting there watching them talk [00:10:00] about your fate yeah okay yeah and I'm sure there's a lot that probably happened behind the scenes too like beforehand before this went in but I just had to trust a guy he wasn't looking_ _for my input
I'll tell I'll tell you that and one of the sad things about all this too though is when I went into the courtroom it was it was empty but it was my mom and my brother and not that I wanted anybody to be there because that would've been extremely strange but it's kind of like with all the years me running around and I thought I meant something to people and like I belonged somewhere and I had a purpose in people's lives
like what that just showed me is really at the end of the day I just didn't I I just didn't none of that stuff mattered the stuff I thought mattered it didn't matter this is my mom and my brother sitting in here and I'm like in a jumpsuit and in handcuffs legs and hands and this is where I am
and so it was kind of a it was a strange experience but I'll never [00:11:00] forget it because the judge sits back in his chair right it's almost five o'clock like four o'clock and they're probably done soon right and all of us have had a job and we all know when it gets to the end of the day we might be a little bit sloppy or we might be in a hurry to get to the the hockey game or the supper with friends
and I'm thinking oh my gosh this guy is he's going to bury me and and he's going to go to supper afterwards and everything that's going to be done and I want to be like I'm going to be screwed so he leans back in his chair he takes off his glasses and I'm thinking oh my God
I'm just shaking I'm literally shaking I'm praying to whatever will listen in my head right not out loud but in my head I'm thinking my goodness if there's something out there help me out help me out right now and he actually sat back in his chair and it took him took him only a few seconds and he he sat forward he signed the paperwork he said eight six to eight months department of Corrections
and I was like oh wow I just I just got a second shot at all this and part of the deal was now there was a [00:12:00] there was a deal to it that I would have to plead guilty to all the felonies I think it was about six felony charges and because I'd lived in the US since I was like six seven but I only held a green card
I wasn't a citizen then I could be deported back to Canada where I was born and I haven't lived in Canada since I was six I didn't really know anybody beyond my family type deal but that was kind of part of the deal because they knew once I got convicted of all the felonies that I would qualify for deportation
so I ended up finishing up my time there and then I then I got transferred over to ICE Immigration and Customs Enforcement that was a four month process you couldn't buy your own plane ticket I had a passport and everything other nationalities would be shipped out every day but there was some problem with being Canadian that it took four months so they would jump me from jail to jail every couple weeks
I go from North Carolina here there South Carolina Tennessee and I ended up in Atlanta Georgia Hall County actually first for a couple months and then I ended up in Atlanta Georgia like two nights before they brought me [00:13:00] downtown and I had an idea I was going home after that so then the next morning they said yeah pack your stuff and they brought me right into the back of the airport there atlanta International Airport brought me up flight of stairs I had no shoelaces everything I owned was litter
only thing I owned was a box it was a box of paperwork that's all I had to my name on that day and but it was it was a great day and that's kinda when I got the the one way flight back and my life really started over so wow so they fly you to Canada and then you get off an airplane and then you just go your own way
is that what happens yeah pretty much when I got off the airplane the customs in Canada they were like where have you been they obviously already knew like I'm sure they would've told them right so they interviewed me the police officers there in the airport they interviewed me check my record and stuff
I never lived in Canada or anything so there was no problem and they were good they were good hey do you have somewhere to go do you have someone picking you up like they weren't just going to throw me out like in the middle of the city but yeah my uncle picked [00:14:00] me up and that's when I started living with my my grandparents took me in to to live with them wow I mean when I listen to you tell that story it's just almost like in my mind I visualize you almost like a paper doll in a orange jumpsuit just in the wind whichever way the wind blows
I mean it must feel like you had zero control you're just didn't know where you're going to land don't know what things are going to happen and you're at the mercy I guess I would say yeah yeah that's a great way to put it but even though that situation was heavy and all that stuff is so true like that situation was a lot more beautiful then like Using drugs every single day because that story right there had a possibility at some point even if it was after 20 years at some point there would be a happy ending to that story and that's kind of why I'm grateful for it because the other way of me using substances all day and every day that life the continuing with that is not going to provide a good result for me anyway
I was headed downhill real fast [00:15:00] so let's back up then and tell me about sort of what all led to this situation the at the airport when did it start what were you addicted to how did it come to this yeah yeah that's a long that's a long story Amber I mean I think growing up too my mom had twins when she was 16 right
so That I think from the beginning without anybody even knowing that the odds were going to be a little bit difficult so my grandparents helped raise us while my mom went back to school she went to school for nursing and my grandparents used to raise us but what I remember from that time is not much but I just remember kind of getting my way with things
right grandparents they're going to look after you they're going to get you Yeah what you want which is incredible but you I don't know if that's the healthiest thing to have 24 7 because then you have a hard time hearing no so then my mom got a job in Texas and we left when I was about six years old
and then now it's my mom my brother and I and she's raising us on our own right we went from a five bedroom house a lot of [00:16:00] stability to a lot of unknown babysitters two bedroom apartment my brother and I shared a room mom working nights right just during nursing career right she's working overnight sleeping during the day
And I started to just feel like I didn't belong in the world I felt a lot of rejection and it wasn't even necessarily others' actions that was rejecting me but I just felt like I just wasn't part of this world I felt like I was in a snow globe and the world was going on around me and I felt like that like my whole life up until like I ended up getting sober
and I ended up like looking at what happened i I got stuck for so long in my life thinking drugs and alcohol were the problem but I didn't realize I had sobered up hundreds of times and absolutely nothing changed so that part of not belonging and then I started to get in trouble right I started to get suspended from school in like grade six I was doing in-school suspension
I just wasn't following rules I was like hyperactive all over the place never did homework never passed the test it really struggled and I mean that destroys your self-esteem too right all your classmates [00:17:00] are celebrating mm-hmm their their scores and I would just take mine and just put it in a ball and just throw my backpack
right right and then I bring it home for my folks and my folks are like like what's up I mean what's going on you you don't do anything get in a fight every night homework I don't want to do homework i I just want to hang out so I mean just every signal I was getting was just like I just wasn't good enough and I didn't feel good enough
so that stuff piled up right the voices in my head the story I told myself I mean everything I feel like I just failed no matter how hard I tried and then I had a little bit of an operation and I had some pain medication prescribed and my goodness I mean it did exactly that
it took away the pain and it took away the pain in my mind the emotional pain yeah for once I was I felt like wow I can just kind of be with myself and I couldn't do that before and there was a whole other stuff codependent relationships trouble with the police too
like I said like I was getting in trouble sneaking out running away [00:18:00] I mean you pretty much name it I probably did part of it what I mean it was just complete dysfunction and then when I turned 17 I started to have really bad depression anxiety this codependent relationship would trigger this depression
This relationship was as toxic as they get like if there was a spark near it I mean it would've exploded and I started to feel suicidal and I never talked to anybody about any of this stuff right growing up right and I never mentioned anything to anybody that anything was wrong with my life
mm-hmm and then I talked to this school counselor and I had mentioned to like what I was thinking and what was going on and so my parents were like you got to get into the hospital right so what do you so I go into the UNC Chapel Hill psychiatric unit and I stay there for a couple days whatever I mean really we just hung out cooked for us mm-hmm great program I'm sure but I didn't see anything wrong with my life so I'm like well what I mean this is a big joke
that's how I felt about it and it's sad looking back I hindsight's always 2020 but I [00:19:00] may have been able to avoid a lot of the madness if I had been able to just share I just couldn't share what was going on I just couldn't do it I didn't know how to connect the dots when I was 16 I just felt like my life was over literally and I got out of there and I mean things weren't better nothing changed maybe for a couple days I was like yeah I'll do what I need to do
a couple months later I had another flare up of this these suicidal thoughts and stuff and this time the behaviors were just bonkers out of control so my parents were like you need to get some help you need to go to like rehab and I hadn't even started doing drugs or anything yet
but these behaviors I mean the red flags were were there right like this doesn't end good and they were consulting right my parents were always in therapy my mom was always in therapy she always did because she learned early on I think that she was not going to be able to change me
mm-hmm the only way that she was going to be able to maybe get through this was to look after herself[00:20:00] which is a hard conclusion to come to right it's this was my problem these were my choice my decisions but it had such a big impact and on her that I think that's why she went and got hope for herself
so ev ever since I can remember she's been in therapy but so they have people coming to this psychiatric hospital I'm back at U N C I'm a little bit more serious but I'm not very serious and they send in this guy he's a representative for this program it's a three month program behavioral health program
and it was like an hour from where I was at and
I have friends my viability in my brain would only allow me to seat to Friday night and I couldn't see any further and I said no I can't go there I can't go there so my parents had a backup plan and I didn't expect this one but they forced me to go to another program
so I woke up one morning it was it was like my sixth day at the the hospital there and it was really strange because they're like we need your shoes I think it was just my laces I said you guys never got my laces the last time that's kind of weird [00:21:00] it's kind of weird right
mm-hmm like I should be going home day now and oh well you're you're a flight risk like flight risk I never even thought of it that point but I started to think of it when they brought it up so yeah I woke up one morning and there was this guy he was kicking on the bed and he was built big big strong guy
and I'm like oh this guy doesn't work here because it's staffed by nurses right well I hadn't seen that before this guy I mean he'd been working out for years they get this bed and I was like this is serious and there was also a woman with him and they're like oh you got to come with us
and they were really friendly and stuff and I'm like oh man my anxiety was just through the roof yeah we're going to take you to rehab and I'm like I don't even know what rehab is I have no idea what this stuff is but yeah I had to go with them like either by choice or they were going to pry force me to go and then I thought to myself is like I'll just figure my parents I'll talk with them like we'll get this smooth now right mm-hmm it worked every other time up until that point I get there's a miscommunication we can get this worked out
yeah yeah I was like I'll get [00:22:00] on the phone with my folks like I'll tell mom I'm going to change and we'll get everything figured out this will be no I'll be home in a couple days and everything's good but another part of me too realize like yo this is for real
so all I know how to do up until this point in my life is run for my problem physically emotionally is run and avoid and kind of act like a clash clown get attention in toxic ways and bad relationships I mean I'd like to say there was some good things going on but I it is hard to find them
Of course there were good times I had good times I had a couple good buddies I would run with that were just they were so kind and they were so good and I had good times with my parents too but I was really unplugged
I was really unplugged and from the relationships so they bring me in they put me in the car the guy sits in the back the woman drives I got this idea brun in my head right I've never once in my life faced any problems in my life and I can't start now I keep telling myself you can't start now you got to get out of this situation
it's [00:23:00] all I knew how to do I tell them I got to go to the washroom so they pull over on the interstate the little rest areas mm-hmm I go to the washroom I've gone on a pair of little gym shorts with the elastic band right so the buddy the guy's holding onto the band go to the washroom and I got this plan brewing and I'm like this is a terrible idea
but I literally was on autopilot you were going to run you were going to try this guy I did I did run so on the this parking lot after you hit the parking lot there's a drainage ditch so I just split it was just like an autopilot just hit me like impulsive
I was extremely impulsive as well I didn't think things completely through and I ran and he chased me he hit that little embankment there and he fell over and I ran and my adrenaline was pumping so high along the highways they've got those I don't know it's maybe three foot fences and there's a little strip of hard wire on the top keep deer and stuff back
I hit that thing full speed and just rolled over it wow and then I was still [00:24:00] going I got I ran through a nest of bees they all I got stung so many times and then I kept going and I was kind of on the run for like probably a few hours it was hot I had no idea where I was I had no phone nothing
I don't even think I had the shoelaces back at that time maybe I did I can't remember but after a while I was walking on this road and the state trooper pulled up beside me and I was like all right well this is over mm-hmm I wasn't going to mess with them I'd already been in enough trouble at this point
like I knew that would've just worsened my case in a sense I get back to the nice guy like even they the transport people were extremely friendly mm-hmm and they got back there and let me tell you all that changed that all changed handcuffs on and I was off the Peninsula Village that's what the program was called
wow wow and my mind is like Vin Diesel or something who's like being your sober transport escorts and you're just like taken off from vin Diesel or something and running it's almost like a cartoon you run into that concrete thing and then the peas and then [00:25:00] you are like now what do I do
yeah wow yeah so was it helpful going to the did you call it Peninsula Village was it helpful going there yeah I mean at first there was a lot right so Peninsula Village was a lockdown unit so it was a lockdown unit it was on a peninsula three sides Tennessee River three sides water you couldn't swim across it
one road coming in jig Jones Bend Road okay and it was a windy it was a windy road that you kind of come down to this hill down to the bottom here and they had a hospital too peninsula Hospital which was a psychiatric hospital was all fenced in it was the real deal and then they had this program for adolescence and it was lockdown
so you went into this basement and it was chicken wire on the windows there was three staff around their neck they had these little buzzers I later learned that these little buzzers would set off an alarm across both campuses if there was a restraint that had to happen so Mm-hmm it was yeah I mean it was a lot right
I mean I thought I was this innocent dude that kind of got in a little bit of trouble and [00:26:00] now I'm in Tennessee and I'm in this program they gimme hospital scrubs to put on
so I couldn't run away they take your shoes you don't wear shoes and it was just a lot it was like three months of basically you're in this basement there's no going outside the meals are brought to you it's structured down to a tea
you have 90 seconds to go pee three minutes to do the rest of your business seven minutes for a shower 30 minutes for your chores when the lights come on in the morning it's 6:00 AM You have three minutes to make your bed your bed has to get checked you sit on your bed your quiet there's no talking
no coloring no reading no distractions you do schoolwork three times a week so was it like therapy or was it just like boot count jail yeah we had a family therapist you'd meet with once a week there was a psychiatrist you'd meet with maybe once every two weeks
and then we did have groups two or three times a day mm-hmm and we would do chores and clean the place up wow okay so eventually you get out of there yes and then what [00:27:00] happens yes you get out of the basement you have to work through different levels right and I heard one of the things that really changed my life too in this program because I still didn't follow the rules I didn't want to
conform I didn't want to change I just wanted to just buy time and eventually my parents would say Hey what this isn't going to work either and it was about two months in right and everybody usually left the program around two months mm-hmm and I should have been rolling out to the cabin program
and I just was not following rules not wanting to do what I needed to do and this guy Mr riddle was his name and the staff members there never got personal with you it wasn't like your buddy mm-hmm it wasn't your friend
it was there they were there to keep order but he really let down his guard one time with me and he told me like you got to fake it till you make it dude because you aren't getting it and you're not wanting to get it you need to fake it till you make it me I had no idea I'm like whatev whatever dude
I wasn't the biggest fan of this fella every time I wanted to ask a question mm-hmm he would make me recite the 12 steps and if I didn't get it dang on every time then I I [00:28:00] couldn't ask the question so I wasn't the biggest fan of Mr riddle I don't but I mean but but I got to give him credit because what he told me there a couple days later it made sense
fake it till you make it so what I did at that point is I thought I saw somebody who was doing everything and they were doing everything they needed to do and I washed them and I did everything they did and I hated every second of it I was like this is the most ridiculous thing you are a sellout
They're going to figure you out that this is not real and mm-hmm I did that and even though it wasn't real at the beginning I it started to become real and I moved up the ladder and I ended up going into the cabin program a couple months after that
there was maybe 10 of us boys mm-hmm we lived in a cabin we had two staff and no running water no power nothing like that it was up on hill beautiful view I mean the most gorgeous view in the world you have the big river and we used to go to school three days a week we had a little schoolhouse with teachers and then we used to do [00:29:00] vocational work
so we'd build trails we would do exercising we had to cut all of our own firewood with ax and moles and and cross cut saws and we'd walk across campus to get our meals this is about two mile walk every morning 6:00 AM rain shine snow whatever it was you're walking two miles to get your meal and coming back
we did that three times a day we would do our therapy sessions do our groups there was extreme accountability there was physical consequences swearing 25 pushups lying was big consequence there was tons of rules
I was there for a year and towards the end too I ended up graduating the program as an eagle I was a love of an eagle which not a lot of people do like I think when I was there for that year I might have saw one other person
once you reached that level you can walk around the campus freely you can help yourself to what other food and we had food restrictions but as an eagle you could help yourself to the pot machine unlimited ice cream but you were disciplined at that point to where it wasn't overboard
they had a level system you started a pre mouse and then you move [00:30:00] to a mouse then you move to a bear mm-hmm and then a buffalo is alumni but the mouse was just about earning trust like the mouse can only see right in front of itself it can't see much more
the mouse is very about the mouse so you had to work to that level and then you jump to the bear which is more like looking within right looking it in looking within and seeing what's going on with yourself and you'd have to write goals it would take you a month and a half to write these goals to move to the next level and then you would hit the eagle
and then the eagle was about like seeing the bigger picture like seeing everything what it is and looking in the future and all that stuff so it was what started out Amber as a heavy heavy program it was incredible I mean it was it was a phenomenal program that's no longer around because it was the strictness of it right
And it was bad for a lot of people but overall it was good yeah so that's that I kinda think about Mr ri when he said that to you and I'm thinking because I've worked in
not as [00:31:00] strict as that but I've worked in these places and and I'm thinking he's thinking this knucklehead isn't going to figure out he just needs to get through this maze and he's just trying tell him it's funny that he's thinking that and he just tells you and you're like oh almost like oh I'm supposed to just go along
but eventually the fake it till you make it did work because the simplicity of it and the discipline of it brings it back to the basics and they probably don't have programs like that anymore but they do have like wilderness programs which are similar-ish yeah they call it like tree rehab and it is very effective for young people
it strips away all of that garbage and builds it back to the basics you're almost like when you say I was an eagle I was like an Eagle Scout and so you you graduate this program your head's kind of on straight and then what happens yeah
I mean in the program too I graduated high school if I hadn't went to this program that would never would've been a possibility I applied for university I think didn't get accepted into university because I had one good year while I was in this program but I had [00:32:00] many other years of not doing well
but they did give me a shot and they gave me some direction they said go to community college for a year and we'll see how you do so I did that I got into community college I got I got my own apartment a couple months out I got a job like I started dating the one girl who ended up picking me up from the airport
we started dating we kinda reconnected afterwards I things were good like I was living good I was seeing my psychiatrist I was going to therapy I was going to support groups I was plugged in I did what I had to do mm-hmm I was doing it and then I came up with this genius idea Amber that I was some sort of cured that I got it all figured out and I wanted to start living a bit I wasn't going to go extreme like I did before but I wanted to have a little bit of fun right what's life without a little bit of fun so I stopped taking the meds I stopped I mean this all happened over weeks or months
I stopped going to support groups right mm-hmm why aren't you going to support groups well I don't need them anymore and then it was confrontation right people would say well that's ridiculous you do need them mm-hmm I'd [00:33:00] cut them off I don't want to hear that crap stop taking my medication that I've been on for a year before I just stopped taking it
mm-hmm I mean there's if that's something that I wanted to do I should've went about it the proper way not just like a I'm not the psychiatrist and I'm making psychiatrists decisions bad idea right that was a bad idea for me I started letting other people into my life right I start kind of getting back to just letting anything fly like I used to keep a real tight ship right
boundaries mm-hmm respect for yourself routine keep a tight routine wake up make your bed if it's the only thing you do today make your dog on bed I did it every day for a year and I mean I we did it discipline that you learned in that program self-discipline yeah and and all of those things I learned I just started talking myself out of Yeah
that's just for the program you don't do like that's crazy you don't do that stuff out of here yeah that's how regular people live yeah yeah and it just looking back in hindsight it just kind of blows my mind how you do something literally every [00:34:00] day for a year and like within six months you can talk yourself out of it even though it provided your life so much value
mm-hmm it's like I was talking to my one buddy and he does like working out and stuff all the time right and a lot of people do that right and then if they miss time it's really hard for them to get back in as opposed to just keep going that and that's where I got stuck is once I stopped doing this stuff I couldn't start the engine back up
I didn't have the support I wasn't in a structured environment I didn't have the accountability my folks were wanting to let me live my life they were like well you're 18 now and we're like we're here for you of course like they're incredible people
we're here for you but at the same time like it's grow or go baby I mean you got to do it mm-hmm we can't baby anymore and then I got introduced to pills I had that I had that operation of the hernia and I mean that was an introduction but I didn't know about like underground drugs and pain pills
mm-hmm and I didn't know all that I know I enjoyed it but I didn't know what it what existed so I had my own place I held a poker night and I had a couple buddies over and we're getting into the beers [00:35:00] and stuff and every cell in my body said this is this is terrible man like this is terrible
but I had developed that itch again that itch to belong and that itch to to be somebody and to be liked I just wanted to be liked I didn't necessarily like myself at this point so I needed that from other people and we started drinking the be this guy pulled out a pill bottle and he said yeah
I said what's that all about why are you taking Advil at the poker game like come on dude like says on the bottle don't take it with alcohol like you should know this and he is like no this is other stuff man I said oh what is it he said oh well it's Percocet I said oh what's the what's the point of that
right I was naive I knew nothing about drugs or anything mm-hmm I gave them five bucks I tried it and I was that was how it started I found an escape for myself I had this escape before but I had to work so dag on hard for it mm-hmm I had to bust my ass for that and this just made it so much easier
five bucks I mean five bucks [00:36:00] gave me I mean it's different but it gave me a similar feeling of 12 months of like the straight grind of working out my life and I got hooked on them and then I mean just like everybody does right
it started with the pills I got into doing cocaine too I was drinking and then it just down the cycle over the next couple years I got into doing heroin and then I got on I guess doing heroin for a year and then I got into doing methadone and when I was on the methadone program I couldn't quit drinking
I was drinking all the time and I was they were denying me methadone they were breathalyzing me and I slowly lost everything that apartment I got evicted college I was in I got I put on academic probation and I got kicked out more money money down the drain my folks helping me out I lost a car
my folks had just bought me a car it was like 12000 bucks like two months later gone crimes using the car gone at 18 19 I got arrested again that's when I had to plead guilty to the felony I was either going to do a year in prison or I was going to plead guilty to the felony got put on felony probation
Now looking [00:37:00] back at me telling this story in my mind it's going boom boom boom boom boom I can piece it all together
I mean pretty good but at the time I think it all boils down to like I thought it would just blow over mm-hmm this whole thing it's just a fad yummy everybody's drinking and partying we're going to the pubs we're hitting the college parties everything's good everything was good until it wasn't good
and when it wasn't good I couldn't stop and when things weren't good for my friends they could stop and we didn't see them anymore hey where's Johnny and and where's Joe well they just it got too much for them and they were able to shut it down I was never able to shut it down I just found a new Johnny and a new Joe to hang out with
mm-hmm wow and so at one point you're living with your brother I think you said yeah you're using so take us to that moment you're living with your brother you're on methadone which for people who may not know what it is it's a opioid maintenance medication which is it's an opioid but you go to a clinic and you get it and you have to go Every day usually[00:38:00] can you tell us a little about that yeah so towards the end like I was dating that girl and I was living at my parents' place I got arrested my younger brother was getting ready for school one day the cops came knock on the door bang bang bang it was like 7:00 AM Of course I'm still sleeping because I'm not doing absolutely anything with my life
my younger brother's getting ready for school my stepdad's there he's pretty stern with the rules I mean he is he's understanding and empathetic but the rules are the rules I mean he went to a he has a military school background and stuff so cops show up my younger brother sees all this like I got arrested they to jail bail out
I didn't even consider going back to live at my parents' place like what I just knew I saw the look on my stepdad's face like disappointment I mean from head to toe is disappointed in me in the situations and frankly the bullshit I mean he was upset with it and I don't blame him like I would've been I would've been too long before he was I would've been at that point they gave me that extra chance after I lost my apartment right
because I lost my apartment lost my job lost [00:39:00] everything i yeah I didn't have anywhere to go the town I lived in was a small suburb of North of like Raleigh Carey apex area there's no homeless shelters there's no like supports there's no drop-ins it's not a big city so mm-hmm none of that stuff existed
The girlfriend's girlfriend took me into her parents' place that didn't work out I was not a good person so I had to leave there so I stayed at my other buddy's place for a bit with his parents it was so far out of town though I couldn't really get to this job
I moved in with my brother and I had nothing at this point in and out of jobs drinking just getting methadone every day doing a little bit of cocaine and I was living there and I was probably there for like I don't think it was quite a year but like a lot of this stuff's a blur
I was kind of out of it most of the time and I woke up one day right it was the strangest thing it wasn't even after a bad night it wasn't a bad night it wasn't a good night we were we used to go to the pool I'd find out whoever wanted to hang out and I'd go over to Food Line I'd get a 24 pack of Keystone Light and then we'd come back to the pool and we'd [00:40:00] just kick it there and we finished the whole box of Keystone Light and my hope was to be able to do it again the next day every day
but if I could do that I would I was good and other stuff too on top of it if I could too and I had this sort of this window opened up this moment of clarity o strangest thing happened the spiritual experience I mean call it what you like I had this thought in my mind when I woke up one day
my back's hurting right I'm sleeping on the floor he's got Dexter playing on the tv I think he's already gone to work right he's living a normal life and I'm thinking this stuff's going to end up killing me man and kind of up to that point it was kinda like a big party
but I had these thoughts like this stuff's going to end up taking me out and if this stuff doesn't take me out I might take me out because I don't know how much longer I can go on with this and I had this thought like call your grandparents and I didn't talk to them in years I was probably a hundred pounds
I didn't want them to see me the way I was and I didn't really want anybody to see me the way I was and like they're not going to understand I mean they're under they're maybe 70 at this time[00:41:00] and I've already I've already gotten so much from everybody I've already let everybody dry a resources I feel like the shame from that is heavy
It's a really heavy thing to carry to wear people care so much about you I mean my folks probably spent near a hundred thousand dollars on that program and they're not millionaires or anything by any stretch they did extra shifts they worked hard do it and it carries shame and guilt when that right
I just felt like dude I just can't figure it out I want to stop using drugs and drinking beer but I can't I couldn't stop I'm I couldn't so I reach out to my grandparents like I need help I didn't know what to say I said I need help I'm on methadone and I'm this is all going on and my grandfather's like you're on methadone
he's like their houses are blowing up around here from methadone I said no that's methamphetamine that's different that's a different thing grandpa and they said we'll be down there tomorrow and at this time they were up in Canada right so they drove down 15 hours like 65 70 years old they drive down and they're like what are we doing
[00:42:00] I'm like I don't know they got hooked up with this detox in South Florida and we ended up next day we were on the road again and we went down there and yeah I got off everything and I didn't have the resources to go to rehab or anything like that and this program was already a thousand bucks a day right
so things add up quick and they had to stay in a motel and drive and it adds up right so But that was it that was like my thing and then when I got back the cops were looking for me it's kind of like to wrap up the whole beginning story that we started with the cops were looking for me and my grandparents were like this is crazy madness the way you're living
right until my grandparents told me that I didn't really see anything wrong with the way I was living which is so sad which is so sad when I look back my grandparents said this is crazy
like where's your stuff I said stuff I don't have any stuff like I just had some clothes and that was it they said why don't you come up with us
You can stay with us and we'll try to we can try to figure this out I said dude I don't know like I didn't want to be a burden to that either I wasn't sure I could get out of this [00:43:00] I went to the detox and I went sober at the time
They gave me Klonopin or something I went to a walk in clinic because my anxiety was through the roof I mean I just got the methadone cold Turkey mm-hmm seven days and I mean my skin was crawling
I didn't sleep for probably six months like a full night's rest for six months I lost wait i I didn't have to lose so they they told me that and they gave me the opportunity to come with them they I said I don't know let me decide they came back the next morning 6:00 AM they kind of popped in
I was like oh banging on the door I'm like oh shit the cops are here like I'm getting ready to jump off the patio and he was my grandparents and they're like we're out of here last chance come with us I grabbed a little suitcase my brother had I put literally what I owned which barely filled up a suitcase and off we went I went up there with them and I wasn't on the straight narrow I wasn't doing drugs but I was drinking the beers and things were getting better I got a job for the first time I was doing this painting job and I actually really enjoyed it and I'm like man this wasn't my dream job or anything but I enjoyed it
I was [00:44:00] showing up every day 6:00 AM I was working overtime I was working Saturdays and I started to feel a little bit better but I went through like detox for like six months to where like My baseline was so far down I mean I just felt completely off foggy yeah was was rough but they were patient with me I didn't have to worry about bills I was so lucky to have that opportunity where what the world was kind of lifted off my shoulders in a sense obviously I still put pressure on myself to like not be a fraud and to be a good person
I didn't have any friends I had a few other relatives that lived up here and stuff but yeah I started getting and then that's when I stayed up there for about a year and that's when I went back to visit and then I got arrested and then I went to jail and then that was another year
and then I came back and then when I came back and when I was in jail I set two goals for myself I want to be addiction counselor I want to help people and I want to get a German Shepherd and they ended up doing both I went back to college I graduated for addiction counselor
I worked at a treatment center up here it's called Portage [00:45:00] and it's a youth addiction program so it's a six month residential program for people like 14 to 19 whether they're youth justice children's aid services or they're just want to get some help and I worked there and I was a case manager and it was great
You kinda became Mr ridley almost yeah I was like code name Mr riddle
yeah and it was good and I worked there for like five six years and then I quit there and I kind of started my own business and I actually worked at a couple other programs too I worked as a peer support specialist at an outpatient program
I helped launch a program here in Ontario called the rapid Access Addiction Clinic so we were staffed by a doctor a therapist me as a peer support worker and we ran a walk-in clinic where anybody could walk in you could get services whether you want to quit drinking you want to get off opiates you want to go to detox you want to go to rehab you want to do whatever we you just walk in and bang we are going to help you out right here right now
our doctor was incredible she would meet with people for an hour I never seen anything like it in my life one [00:46:00] hour free doesn't cost a nickel you just come in and you got all those supports and that was really cool program to be a part of I helped launch that in two cities
and I also did a lot of other volunteer work shelter soup kitchen everything my thing about getting sober was yeah I mean I wanted to get sober for me ultimately because I'm no good without that but I got to figure out a way to help people or I'm screwed so what is it about the helping other people that keeps you sober
it just gets me out of my own way I get in my own way I'll talk myself out of stuff the way I think sometimes is not kind it's not nice it put myself down and that's stuff I've been working on for years but it's still there it's still there I can't necessarily close the door on everything I've done before I believe our body keeps score everything whether I like it or not and I've worked through a lot of the trauma and a lot of the situations but there's a lot like jail is a traumatic [00:47:00] place to be
it's loud there's violence there's all kinds of stuff and that's took its toll and it was a great thing for me and I learned that I was going to be held accountable but yeah I mean I got to get out of myself and just help somebody else it's fuel for the fire
what do you think is the difference between well I guess a better way to say this why do some people get recovery or get sober and some don't yeah amber the million dollar question I mean I can say why I didn't for a long time I didn't really have that level of awareness I think
right i I like I kind of mentioned it a little bit too I thought this was just a season in my life that was going to just blow over and I would find my way out I think denial plays a big part in it too mm-hmm and for me I had so much underlying stuff
I only touched on a small piece of it but drugs and alcohol were never my problem I was the problem the way I thought the way I processed things and what had happened it kind of created this story that I believed about who I was that I wasn't good enough and when you hear that [00:48:00] every day all day for five years well whether you are good enough or not you are not good enough
right and I never thought I would be I never thought I would amount to anything accepted I'm the bad kid basically yeah at a young age and that was just future mm-hmm yeah I was terrified and even as weird as it sounds most people want success they want to succeed they want to do well I was terrified because I'd never done it
I didn't know what to expect look if I went in made a fool myself or I did this or I did that acting up failing grades I knew exactly what response I was going to get from people mm-hmm if I did well I had no idea I was scared of the unknown and that was another big thing that held me back because what if I try to go forward and it doesn't work out
What I mean what if I try to get sober what if I try to like live a better life it doesn't work out and everybody's just laughing saying like look yeah we told you it wouldn't work out like what I mean and and people weren't even saying [00:49:00] that stuff nobody even said that I made this stuff up in my own between my ears about the people were thinking to me nobody was spending time thinking about me
And we tell ourselves like that so-and-so's thinking about us or judging us this certain way and it's like people are so busy with their own stuff like they ain't thinking about me or worried about what I'm doing so yeah I think for getting sober you got to get out of your own way
I get messages every day all day and a half for years and I work with people and some of the people who I thought Amber were were getting it I went to their funeral mm-hmm I've went to more funerals of people between 14 and 18 than I have between 16 and hundred I went to 15 funerals in one year of people I knew and I worked with I worked with this one fella
and it's the most devastating story in the world and he actually died in town here on the McDonald's toilet when he was the day before he was supposed to come back to the program in I thought this fella had it I felt like [00:50:00] he had it he worked hard day in and day out for six months
and for that result it was like it was wild yeah i I know what you mean i I've been doing this for a long time myself and I I say I couldn't tell you anymore than just pick it random in the end who's going to get it I can tell you are we headed that way or not right now
pretty accurately are we on the right or the wrong right now but in the big picture end it's hard to say it's hard to say the ones you think got it sometimes don't ones you think never will get it sometimes do I'm sure your family had moments where they thought he's never going to figure this out
I still don't know if I'm going to figure it out Andrew and that's the beauty of it I mean and I think too like just being honest with yourself and with others I mean that's a huge part of what I got to do and sometimes the honesty is not what people want to hear right
like it's not always that things are going well like I'm struggling too at times and it's not like Hey just because I got sober like everything's just gravy like no [00:51:00] it's not all gravy and I'm not going to try to trick myself that it's all gravy but I mean my life completely changed I mean since then too I bought a house
i I started a business I have three kids married and for most people That's probably going to be part of life right like most people are probably going to do that but for a guy like me that was never in the cards never ever did I ever think about doing anything like that
that was crazy so wow where do you want to go next what do you want to happen from this point good good question that might might be the most loaded one you've asked I mean today I'm just focused on being a father being a good father is important the most one of the most important things I think in my life
I also got my podcast show too I'm working on a couple different businesses I'm just trying to take risks I'm just trying to make a difference I'm trying to have an impact mm-hmm i I took from the world for many [00:52:00] years and now I'm just how do I give back
how do I make a difference and when it comes down to it I can't change people's lives that's not a thing but I'm hoping that maybe people can just draw some strength from some of the stuff I do tell us where to find how can we listen to your podcast
I'm everywhere amber if you got a screen you can find me somewhere I would say my favorite place to hang out is probably Instagram so you can find me there on Sober Motivation on Facebook its sober is cool and then the podcast is called Sober Motivation Sharing Sobriety Stories
so you can jump on there and I interview people celebrities to Everyday Joes I've had Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond and I had Jake the Snake on there and then I have just everyday folks who want to share their story and it's so inspiring about what it was like for them growing up and then kind of what the mess was like and then how they get and stay sober and I just find it like so empowering to see to hear these stories from people and that they're [00:53:00] willing to share to help other people
Listening to so many stories is there anything you've learned about addiction about recovery about any of it just from your own story and then just listening to summary stories
What would you want other people to know I heard one thing that that just hit home with me it doesn't matter if you come from Yale or jail it affects everybody and I think that that is just rings true when you hear people's stories a lot of people have really good childhoods
some people have really not so good childhoods and some people have loads of cash and some people have no cash and different backgrounds of all sorts can be impacted by this and it really puts it in perspective and I mean I think the other thing is how resilient sober people are
mm-hmm like you figure when when I was out there doing that stuff it was pure chaos I mean I had to try to keep things together and if you can just find a way to use your [00:54:00] skills that you've been able to maintain your addiction with I'm telling you some of the some of the biggest companies in this world
and some of the biggest athletes you watch on TV and the most famous celebrities and the everyday people that show up to your office and their produ their productivity is through the roof mm-hmm that they're on every day they switch over that drive to use and escape life to build a better life
you become unstoppable like nothing can stop you I believe that wholeheartedly I did a video recently called Addiction is really just a misdirected superpower and I believe that yes and when you hear people stories and you've seen people come on the other side of it and you see who they are without that I mean you can't help but know that and believe it
yeah so true yeah all my favorite people in recovery you have to build muscles I mean look when you listen to Brad you can listen to he's talking about how does he stay sober [00:55:00] he doesn't talk about drugs and alcohol he talks about trying to be a better person trying to be a person that he is proud of trying to be a good dad trying to help other people because that's crazy as it sounds
That's how you stay sober because when you when you're a person you don't like and you're filled with secrets and shame and guilt and self pity you just want to numb that away and that's when the substances come yeah nailing the head right there I mean you've been doing this long enough so
yeah that that's how you do it I mean you have to get sober that initial step is like you have to cut out the substances because you can't think straight without it because you're always going to be wanting more and more and more mm-hmm and it's never going to be enough so that is definitely the first step
but you the good news is that step is this one decision right now in this moment I'm done that's it and you're done you're on the step too step two is how you're going to get out of your own way to get some help you're going to call me and say [00:56:00] brown I need some help
I'm going to say Hey you need to get the support group I need you to surround yourself with people who understand what you're going through mm-hmm and I need you to move your feet right now while you're doing it and what happens at that point Amber is a lot of people don't move when they need to move
they wait two or three days the hangover's done the consequences from the last night of drinking have kind of subsided they got in jail from the impaired driving and you feel a bit better and guess what I just want to have one baby I just want I think that's it because even when you listened to your story there were mul there were multiple moments of clarity
and I think that's the way it is for most of us we have these moment of clarity but if you don't put action in at that moment it's like a little flame and you have to tend to it and if you don't it goes away yeah and it's so important when you have that moment to take action I love it it's so inspiring I feel like the willingness and the courage it took to decide I'm going to get [00:57:00] sober I'm going to do it in jail I don't care I'm just going to do what I need to do you just dug in and no matter what it threw at you you just kept doing the right thing and going in the right direction and it's worked for you
yeah and there were some days where I didn't know it was going to work out but I just said like I used to tell myself this I'll drink tomorrow I'll use drugs tomorrow tomorrow and that's not going to work for everybody and like it might be bad advice I don't know it worked for me though because tomorrow what I found out is tomorrow was a good day
mm-hmm and I didn't want to at that point mm-hmm I just had to make it through those rough times those rough days those rough 20 minutes mm-hmm I had to just get through those that's what I found out is it was 20 minutes four or five times a day I didn't have to get through the whole day
I just had to get through 20 minutes every two hours that's it Brad 20 minutes every you've got this and I were just pumped up and then here we are I love it you guys go check out Brad listen to his podcast find him on Facebook find him on Instagram
he's got [00:58:00] a lot to share
