6 Toxic Behaviors that destroy relationships
===
[00:00:00] Today we're going to be talking about the six. most toxic relationship destroying behaviors. And to do that, we're going to be delving into some of today's most current, most respected, well known relationship researchers work, John Gottman and Esther Perez. We're going to be looking at some of their work, some of their findings.
What these behaviors are, why they show up and what to do instead. Hello, everyone i, have created a page where you guys can download the notes for today since you guys seem to be really liking that a lot I've got all the notes written up for you So you that way you can feel free to just listen absorb and if you're driving and you're worried, Oh, I didn't get that and what was that?
She said then you can actually download this. So I'm going to put the link in the description. That way you can go back to it and you don't have to feel so anxious and stop and all that kind of stuff. So the first thing [00:01:00] we're going to look at is what John Gottman calls the four horsemen.
And he calls them the four horsemen because these are the things that precede divorce. In fact, he says that. He can predict divorce with a 94 percent accuracy rate based on these four behaviors. And for those of you who aren't familiar with John Gottman, let me tell you a little bit about how he does his research.
So he's, Been around a long time. He's been researching a long time. One of the things that he has done in the past is he would almost take these couples and put them in an apartment or some sort that was wired up like with cameras now, it's not sneaky, like they know it or whatever, but basically it would just tell them to act naturally and they would assess what was happening and keep track of what behaviors were happening in conversations and tracking and all that kind of stuff.
And this is. This is where his research about these four horsemen [00:02:00] come from, because he's literally watching couples in a natural environment and not just like what people report, not just like in the counselor's office, but like real life, which is where you're going to see.
Real life couples behavior. And I think that's, what's so interesting about it. Cause if you just had people like fill out a report or something like that, I don't think, I don't think you would get the same information because sometimes we may not have the right word to describe something. Sometimes we may not have enough insight to know about what is going on and that kind of thing.
So that's why I really like this because it comes from real life situations. It reminds me of a couple of years ago. I was like taking this like little online CE course for something. And I think it was something to do with couples counseling or whatever. And they showed a video of this couple counselor session.
Let me tell you what happened in the couples counselor session. This was interesting. So the, it's like a brand new couple or whatever. It's like their first appointment with the [00:03:00] couple's counselor and they bring this couple and they put them in the counselor's office and they say, Hey the counselor's running a few minutes behind.
She'll be right in here. Make yourself comfortable, whatever. So they shut the door. And then what's really being happening is. There's a video recording what happens in the room before the counselor comes in and in this whole, like in the one that I saw, it's like this whole, this couple fighting about whether or not they should go to her families and him disliking her family and all of this.
back and forth, regular natural couples kind of argument. And then when the couples counselor come in, they were just like review the tape, but the couple didn't know that was really part of the counseling. And that's what made it so helpful because it's like, you're seeing it. In real life, which I think is completely invaluable.
So let's take a look at what these four horsemen are. The first one is criticism. No surprise, right? No one likes to be criticized. Now, criticism is different than a complaint. A complaint is like a frustration about a single specific [00:04:00] situation. I don't know. You made up the bed wrong or something like that.
It's like specific and it's just translated into one thing and complaints aren't great. But it's not personal. Like a criticism is like a negative comment or communication. That's an overgeneralization about the person.
And it usually starts with you. And it usually has a always or never word in there. For example, you're always too busy to be with your family. You're. You're always too lazy to get up and go with us on Sundays to church. It's these always, never, over generalization kind of comments. It's an attack on, who you are as a person.
And typically these criticisms Aren't really rational or reasonable or fair because rarely is something always or never and what it does is it attacks the person's sense of self and naturally makes them Not like [00:05:00] themselves as much but also just like you because who likes someone that's criticizing them?
No one, right? The next one is like criticism, but in my mind, it's like a level up, criticism is irritation, fussiness, nagginess, complainingness. This next one called contempt. That's like taking criticism up a level. This is where we get into like name calling. This is when we get into nastiness, throwing insults, like being mean.
This one is flat out being mean. You're dumb. You're stupid. You're arrogant. You're a narcissist. You're lazy. You're nothing but an addict. It's when we start throwing out the names and the mean comments purposely, usually to hurt you. You can also show contempt in your body language through things like an eye roll and a huff.
Those are smaller displays of contempt but there's a lot that's being communicated. This is like when you do the eye roll, it's like this disdain that's [00:06:00] being communicated and I'm bad about the eye roll, I got to admit. If there's one up here that, that I'm not the greatest at, it's the eye roll.
I'm guilty. Guilty as charged for the eye roll. But it is communicating something very deeply, very harshly about this other person. As I go through these, let me know which one of these is the hardest for you. I already confessed on Like the contempt in the eye roll. I don't usually say big, nasty things, but sometimes I have a law and then you might see it on my body language that kind of thing.
So where do you tend to fall into these? The next one is defensiveness and defensiveness usually happens in like response to contempt or criticism. You guys probably know this, but it's basically like where a person refuses to take responsibility for something.
And oftentimes we'll even blame the other person or make excuses or minimize. So for example, Something like I wouldn't need to drink if you weren't so naggy and [00:07:00] critical and controlling all the time. So it's it's a way of putting it back on you. It's a, I'm going to refuse to take my part of something, right?
So criticism and contempt are like throwing negativity out there. Defensiveness is a refusal to acknowledge Any part of what you bring to a situation and the last one and this is the one that Gottman says is the most tied to the predictor for divorce is stonewalling. And stonewalling is basically when One or both people shut down, refuse to talk. Sometimes they even put a physical barrier between them and the other person. It's like a walling up and a retreating within. And a lot of times. The person that's doing this might feel like or rationalize or say out loud that they're just trying to avoid an argument, or they're just trying to not be negative, they'll put a spin on it, like [00:08:00] a defensiveness, right?
But stonewalling, it's a bit of a punishment to the other person. It was like silent treatment. Y'all know what silent treatment is. Now the person may not quite realize that's exactly what they're doing because stonewalling can be almost like a. Like a reflex for some people because it happens to people when they get really in that fight or flight response in their body.
Like all their anxiety chemicals are up, their adrenaline's up, all that kind of stuff. They get into that fight or flight place. It's like a shutting down. And There's a slightly good piece about this and then a not so great piece. Yes, it is helpful when there's an argument happening or things are getting tense to take space and not open your mouth and say everything you're thinking.
Everything you're thinking does not need to be said. And for those of you who like to throw out the it's the truth. You shouldn't be using the truth as a weapon. And just cause it's the truth does not mean that you need to throw it in someone's face or say it in a mean [00:09:00] way. You cannot hide behind the, it's the truth.
That's the defensiveness happening when you're doing that. So just cause it's true doesn't mean it need to be said, and it surely doesn't need to be said and weaponized. So you don't always need to say everything you think. Thank the goodness people can't see everything I think, and it doesn't need to be said relationships require tact and so you do need some time and space to calm down, think through rationally how you want to respond to something or how you really feel about something.
What do you want to say? That kind of thing. So you can ask to take time. Hey, let's take 30 minutes. Let's talk about that after dinner. Can we talk about that in the morning? It's an important topic. I really need to get my thoughts together on it, something like that. But there's a communication that we are going to come back to this.
Not, I'm just shutting down on you and just closing off and refusing to talk because that's not really. Oh, I was trying not to get an argument. That's like a shutting down, which isn't very productive for a couple and can for the other person on the other side of the stonewalling feel [00:10:00] like they're being punished, like a silent treatment.
When you look at research on children and stuff, one of the worst, most terrible punishments that parents do to the kids is they do this love withdrawal. It's I'm somebody that you don't talk to you. I want to acknowledge you. Give you the silent treatment, that kind of thing.
That's very damaging to someone that all kinds of things. So when you're stonewalling, that's a little bit of what's happening there. So learning the difference between taking space. And stonewalling is two different things. Now, these next two are not from Gottman necessarily. These next two I added in and they're they're in every relationship, but they're particularly in addictive relationships.
So they're in all relationships, but they're even more in addictive relationships. And since most of you guys come here to learn about addiction recovery, I thought I would throw them in there. So the next relationship destroying behavior is dishonesty. And that dishonesty includes things like infidelity and things like[00:11:00] secret keeping.
And a lot of times people will, this is this honesty thing. I didn't tell you a lie, but they omit very important parts of truth. When you have a piece of information that your partner does not have, and you know that they want to have it, and that maybe they need to have it, and you are purposefully not communicating it.
That's dishonesty. That's deception that counts in this category, because a lot of people will say I didn't tell any lies, but you didn't tell the whole story either. And it was purposeful deception. So if it's purposeful deception and deep down in your heart of hearts, what you're doing, then it counts because trust is the very foundation of a good and healthy relationship.
And you can tell yourself I just was trying to avoid argument or I just didn't want to hurt their feelings. But honestly, those are like rationalizations. Those are defensiveness statements. There are, when there are things that you are keeping a secret from your partner, what that [00:12:00] does is it disrupts the.
Power dynamic in the relationship. So it takes it where it moves it from us being partners here, pretty equal, being a team to when one person knows all these things over here that the other person doesn't know there's an imbalance in power. And when there's that imbalance in power, that breaks the trust because this other person down here feels like I can't trust you to have my back.
I don't trust that you have my best interest at heart. You're not looking out for me. I can't count on you. Whether that's infidelity, drug use, financial infidelity other kind of secret keeping it's basically like withholding. And like I said, it, it disrupts the power dynamic and creates big old giant problems.
And the next one that I added in is what I would call controlling behaviors. No one likes to be controlled. We all have a need for connection, and we [00:13:00] all have a need for freedom and independence. Now, some of us lean heavier on one or the other, but we need both. And when we feel overly controlled, overly smothered, It doesn't tend to go well.
We tend to act out. It's when we start to push another person away because that's a basic human need, that independence, freedom, control kind of thing, along with the connection. Now, the control thing can be complicated because a lot of times when people have issues with control,
it's a lot of times it's because of an anxiety issue, a fear issue. So they're trying to control their external environment to make sure that these, whatever bad things that they're worried about don't happen, that could be bad things to them, that could be bad things to their loved one, but in their mind, It's about safety and security.
And so they're trying to control like where you go, if your kids go to college, like who they're around, all [00:14:00] that kind of stuff. But nonetheless, it's control. And sometimes people that tend to have the controlling type behaviors convince themselves that it's okay because they say it's for their own good, or I'm looking out for them, or I have the best of intentions.
I'm not doing this from a selfish place. I'm doing this. Because I love them or whatever, but it's still just a rationalization because what's really happening is you trying to control your anxiety about something now in couples relationships that can come out, of course, as jealousy insecurity, who you can talk to, who you can be around, how long you can be gone without me, where you can go without me, and it's perfectly okay to have some agreed upon discussed sort of relationship.
Rules for the relationship, not like a contract, not like you're the boss of someone else, what are the parameters where we both feel safe in the relationship? For example, am I cool with it if you are best friends with your ex or is that an out of bounds thing? That's what I mean when I say we got to have these parameters, but [00:15:00] when one person has a big fear, Of being hurt being cheated on a lot of times it's because that comes from somewhere in the past and it doesn't even have to be in the past for The current relationship it could be in the past from their childhood It could be in the past from an old boyfriend girlfriend or spouse or something like that But you're bringing that insecurity into the relationship and you're trying to manage your own fear by Controlling the other person by having all these either rules for the other person Or more covertly trying to manipulate the other person, make them feel guilty or have some kind of crisis so they can't go somewhere.
Those kinds of things. Those are still controlling behaviors. They're just not quite as obvious as what you might think of as controlling behaviors. So those are my six sort of big daddy toxic relationship destroying behaviors. Are there any you would add to the list? Now Esther Perel says that[00:16:00] The three biggest things that people fight over in couples, partnership relationships are trust, recognition, and control.
So it may look like we're fighting about the bills. It may look like we're fighting about the kids and parenting and that kind of thing. It may look like we're fighting about where we're, which family's house we're going to go to at Christmas, all these little arguments and these little fights, they have all these, take on all these different.
Topics, but what's it really about? I always say it's never about the trash people. Never about, it's never about the thing that the argument's about. It goes deeper, and I think it's very helpful if you can stop and ask yourself, what is this argument really about? Is it about trust and trust is, am I safe with you?
Trust is, can I rely on you to have my back? Are you looking out for me? Are you, are we in this as a team together and I can rely on you? That is what trust is about. So are the arguments about trust. Recognition[00:17:00] is it's more than just like recognition. Like you got an award at work, but it's affection.
It's kindness. It's kind words. It's appreciation. So it's do you recognize me as a person? Do you give time and attention and appreciation? To your partner and to that other person. That's what I mean when I say recognition. And then there's the control, which we talked a little bit about just a second ago.
And so couples fight about how much time they spend together. That's about control. That's about the balance between the need for connection and the need for independence. For example, if you have a couple and you got an introvert and an extrovert, you've got that balance of being with other people and being alone.
It's a similar kind of thing. Do we always eat at the place that one of the partners says they want to, it's that. It's that balancing out thing of control. Those are the central themes behind most couples arguments. Which of these things do you guys [00:18:00] relate to the most?
I'm going to take your questions and comments. And I try to answer as many as I can. Let me know how these show up in your life.
Let's take a look here.
RH says, how do I know if the craft method is working? It's been so hard for me to get my heart right and have boundaries and empathy and have the natural consequences occur. But that's what I've been doing. I can tell you that you're understanding the craft method just from your statement. And I'm glad that you're doing it.
And the reason I say that is because it really is deeper than just keeping your mouth shut and saying positive things for positive reinforcement, which is at the very basic, if you looked at it that's what it boils down to, but it's more than that.
It's about getting your heart in the right place. I think the first sign that the craft method is working is the relationship seems better. There's less conflict there's a lot more getting along, a lot less of all these four, [00:19:00] five, six horsemen we just talked about. That's a good sign that the craft method is working.
A lot of people think, they're still drinking, I'm doing the craft method, or they're still using, or still whatever the addiction behavior. Doing the craft method doesn't make someone else stop their addiction. What it does is it helps them to see what's happening much more clearly. And later on in the Kraft Method, another sign that it's working is you start to hear change talk.
Now it might not be the big change talk you want to hear Oh my gosh, I'm the biggest drug addict ever and I'm going to go to 90 days of treatment. I'm going to go to a meeting every day for the rest of my life. That's chainsaw. That's big talk actually. But it may not be like that, but it looks like a little bit more subtle.
Like I really need to cut back or man, I really overdid it last night or something like that. You start here, little rumbles. And what happens is they're letting you see. Tiny little glimpse inside their head of they know is not great and they're thinking about changing. Those are other big [00:20:00] signs of The craft method working and then if you keep watching it and you get further into the stages and signs of change Which we have other videos about like preparation and contemplation all that you'll start to notice those signs as well But the first thing is the relationship improves
sharon says Why would my addict throw in my face on Facebook? You can't have kids, ha. When he knows we tried for 10 years to have a baby and I wanted to have a baby, why would an addict say such hurtful things? That is revenge behavior, that's a behavior designed specifically to be hurtful because he probably knows that's like the most hurtful thing you could say, because when you partner with someone, you know how to hurt them.
And so it's like throwing the ace card sucker punch at you. So it's a revenge behavior and revenge behaviors usually come when you feel like you've been wronged in some way. It's I'm getting back at you behavior. It's a purposeful hurt. We hurt each other in [00:21:00] relationships, but this is like a deep stab wound in the heart on purpose, right?
Is to go with that sensitive area and just do something like that. So I would say that's a purposeful revenge behavior. I'm not saying it's warranted or fair, But in the other person's mind, they feel like you wronged them somehow, and they're just trying to hurt you, is my guess. Hey, Victoria.
Hey, Aunt Linka, thank you for your kind words. Let's see here.
Veggie Animal Lover says, My husband just blamed me for his drinking since I'm going through perimenopause, and I'm not the person that he married. Of course I have to remind him that I didn't marry an alcoholic. Okay. You made me laugh sO this is like him blaming you and that's a defensive maneuver, right? But then you're throwing that back on him. You throw in a little defensiveness move back and we have to learn how to deescalate when that happens. I'm not saying it's fair. I'm not saying that he's not out of bounds by doing [00:22:00] that or even that he's right.
He's definitely not right. But if you want to neutralize it, you're going to have to meet it with something other than a sarcastic comment back. Guilty over here. So I'm not throwing you on the bus. I'm right there with you.
Sharon says, my addict would say I'm controlling when he couldn't drive my car and when using drugs he couldn't. See if he got in an accident and insurance wouldn't pay it. It's his fault on drugs that's a defensiveness move, right? That's a him making it your fault. And when it comes to control, yes, controlling behaviors in a relationship as far as like insecurity, where you can go, all that kind of stuff that those are not healthy behaviors.
But sometimes when a person is very out of control. Someone has to take the control. And in my mind, that's what you're doing here. You're not necessarily trying to control them, but you are trying to protect yourself liability wise and other people on the road. So I feel like that's a little different.
And I feel like he knows that he's just throwing that on you. Unless you do other things that are [00:23:00] controlling, but this one example, it's just a defensiveness.
A question from CCV says, My husband is in early recovery. He's been doing well in the sober link for two months. Let me just shout it out to Soberlink. Y'all know I'm a fan of Soberlink. Soberlink sponsors this channel. Big fan. If you don't know what that is, it's an alcohol monitoring device and system that automatically sends a person a message that says, hey, you need to take a test.
They take a test. It just creates great accountability. If y'all want to know more about Soberlink, you let me know. I'll tell you all about it. But he doesn't want to talk about the impact of the alcohol on the marriage or how recovery is going. Normal or stonewalling? Both. The answer is both. Is it normal?
Yes. It's a normal, who wants to talk about the bad crap they've done? No one. So is it a normal response not to want to talk about it? Yes. Normal. Is it stonewalling? I don't think it's stonewalling in the I'm giving you the silent treatment. I think it's I'm scared to talk about it.
Most of the [00:24:00] time when this happens, it's I'm scared if we go down this road. It's going to get bad pains me to think about all these difficult things. I'm afraid we're going to get into argument. I'm afraid it's going to remind you of every bad thing I did. And then that's not going to be good. So it's an avoidance behavior more than a, than necessarily a stonewalling.
But if you want to heal a relationship after a trust fracture, the most effective, most helpful, most healing thing you can do is acknowledge what you did. And not only say, yeah, I did it. Cause a lot of people say, yeah, I admitted it. I said it. I said I was alcoholic or whatever, but admit how that hurt the other person.
Own it, take ownership. If you want to heal a relationship, that is the fastest, best way to do it. But it is normal and natural not to want to talk about your bad things somewhere in the middle.
Hey here's a question. Most of these habits exist in addiction. Does it mean we are headed for divorce? I don't want to. I love him. I know he will figure it out at some point and I'm doing all that you teach.[00:25:00] Yes, all of these behaviors can exist in any kind of relationship.
So whether there's an addiction there or not, when you see these behaviors over and over again and it doesn't get better and it's not being addressed and all that kind of stuff, it is a negative predictor. Now, addiction puts the gasoline on all the kinds of relationship problems. So I'm not saying it's the cause of every problem, but it definitely escalates all the problems.
And so the good news is. If a person gets sober and in recovery, most of the time, a lot of the behaviors take care of themselves just by the being sober part. It doesn't necessarily mean you're going to divorce, but these are not good indicators. These are things you want to address. And you probably get further if you were going to address something by talking about these things rather than talking about the addiction.
People are, More open, they hate it when they a lot of times I hear my clients say all they ever want to talk about Is my drinking my whatever everything they blame every single [00:26:00] thing on that and they get so upset But if you'll talk more about these relationship things in both sides and say hey, I know I tend to do this Take your ownership Then you might even can work through these things Even if the addiction is still there and get that relationship to be improved.
Question. . I'm not sure if it's addiction is the cause, but unfortunately my partner lies, manipulates, huge jealousy. It's very hard. Yes, and Last week's video was all about trust, and we talked about how trust gets broken on both sides and how to repair and restore that trust.
All right, Jessica says, does it sound reasonable to ask my person to answer some questions about why they disappear with a free pass? Of course, in exchange for a clean slate moving forward.
I'm thinking about this one. Hold on. Give me a second. Is this a real question or do you already know the answer to the question? Because my 1st thought is you probably know why they disappear. They're disappearing because they're on a vendor or something. Or are you really not sure? Are you like. If you're really not sure, you might want to [00:27:00] give a multiple choice question because the person is definitely not going to want to talk about it, especially if they're a disappearer, right?
Because there it's an avoidance thing. So you want to say, Hey, is it because you're going to go on a bender and you just want to be left alone? Is it because something's happening in the relationship? Is it because you're seeing someone else? So if you're going to ask it, I might ask it multiple choice.
And as always, I know you've heard me say this, just say it casual, say it quick. Get in and out of the conversation. If you want to, if you're going to ask it,
Mike says Alcoholic wife, I think is what that stands for, has recently last six weeks, no program started sobriety with a few slips, not dry drunk though, falling back to bargaining. Why would she completely stop all affection and intimacy? Okay, so let me break this into pieces, Mike. So what you're saying is for the last six weeks, she's been trying really hard in recovery and it's not been perfect.
She's had some slips, but she's really working on it. I think that's what you're saying. [00:28:00] But she recently she's falling back to bargaining. Why would she completely stop affection and intimacy? When you start feeling that wall come up, that's relapse warning sign central. And it either means they're already using, or they're going to be very quickly, or they have a plan to already.
And , it's a way of shutting out the guilt. So based on these two sentences, that's my guess. I can feel it even in session with people. It's like I talk to them every week.
We have all these great conversations. We get along, I'm tracking all their storylines and then they come in and they're just closed one week, just like for no reason, they're just like, fine. Good. Yeah, I'm great. Nothing really going on. You can feel the shutdown.
You can feel the withdrawal. That almost always means relapsed one of the signs. It's either done happened or it's about to and. You represent that part of them that knows they need to do something different. So they start pushing you away guilty. Some people actually, and some clients even what we'll do more than just start backing up they'll start a fight [00:29:00] that clients that come in literally trying to pick a fight with me.
And it's a way of alleviating that. guilt.
iT barely says my alcoholic. Is that mother in law? And I just had a huge blow up fight at a family get together. I yelled and called her drunk. Where do I go from here? We've never addressed it or argued like that before.
It sounds the first place, if you're trying to mend the fence and you, it sounds like what you're saying is how do we make up from the fight and then, but also I don't really want to say I didn't mean it because I really do think she's an alcoholic and what you're saying is how do I make it up?
But. But maybe communicate that I'm concerned about the problem I think really you can say I really wish I wouldn't have said that was mean and hurtful and If I could take that back, I would I think you can say I regret saying something without saying I didn't really mean it because even if you do believe that's true, the way you're saying it here makes me think you said [00:30:00] it as like it's that truth as a weapon thing.
You weaponized it is what you're saying and because you were upset and that's what people do when they're upset. And this isn't all on you. I'm just saying for your side or whatever. So I would just start by saying that and seeing where the relationship goes. But before you can talk to someone effectively about their substance abuse problem, you have to have a relationship.
So you have to restore that relationship if you're hoping to work with her on the. Substance problem. You don't have to be the one that does that, by the way. You can just set your boundaries and let her figure it out. I'm just saying if that's what you want to do.
Let's see here.
Kelly says, any advice on how to navigate an addict who has a family full of generational trauma and are all in denial when as the spouse and the only one trying to put forth an effort? Resources for my husband.
You basically are in this one on your own because what you're saying is , there's not other family members that you can rely on to, to help you deal with this issue. So [00:31:00] hopefully, obviously they're not being helpful to you. Hopefully they're not sabotaging you because there's the sort of, they're so nonfunctional, they're just not helpful.
And then there's this, they're so nonfunctional, like they're literally. Sabotage me like they're literally like advising him to do bad things or whatever, or make bad decisions. It looks like maybe there's a little bit more to that question. Let's see it.
That he wants effort and resources to my husband that he wants family always intervenes. Okay. So when you say family always intervenes, it makes me think that they're counterproductive, Kelly, that you're saying that they're sabotagers. You can't control all of those people. And what's going to have to happen is your your loved one.
I don't know if it's your spouse or who is going to have to realize that their family's problematic,
but that is possible that they could realize that because you're saying resources that they want, which makes me think that they are having change talk, that they realize that there's a problem, but that their family comes in. Eventually they're going to realize you got to think of them like using buddies.
You can't make them stay away from the using buddies, [00:32:00] but eventually your loved one is going to realize, Hey, this is toxic and I'm never going to get sober if I keep this person around or if I keep listening to them, even if it is family.
All right, everybody. As always, I put more resources for you in the description.
