Want To Put Your Addiction Past Behind You_
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[00:00:00] It's very common for a person in recovery to. Want to be able to move on you got to think about it they have a lot of bad memories associated with the addiction But the problem comes in is that the family isn't quite ready to move forward In fact the family members usually need a lot of reassurance and evidence that you are dealing with your addiction and you are really moving forward.
But we run into the wall because one person's need to stop talking about it and move forward really aggravates and enhances the family member's need for more reassurance. And you really get yourself in this back and forth tug of war type of dynamic. So I want to talk a little bit, I want to explore really like both sides of that equation and figure out some ways we can maybe help both people in this kind of [00:01:00] situation get their needs met.
For those of you who are new here my name is Amber Hollingsworth Put The Shovel Down. In case you're wondering what that means It's a recovery saying and it means you hit your bottom when you put your shovel down. We don't believe that people need to wait until bottom.
We, we think that's silly. So our goal is to help people get their lives and their families back on track before they lose everything. All right, back to our topic. So what happens is, This person who can be legitimately 100 percent sober, really trying in recovery they really mean it.
They're really doing it, but they get tired of talking about it. And that means sometimes it's they're tired of talking about it with their loved 1. They're tired of their past being brought up all the time. And sometimes it even means they're tired of going to counseling, talking to me about it.
They're tired of going to meetings and hearing other people talk about it. And yet they get really frustrated because it's is this going to be my whole life? [00:02:00] And I frequently hear people say things like, I don't really want addiction or recovery to define me. Like I get that's a part of my life.
I get that I have to deal with this and move on and I'm serious about it, but I don't want everything in my life to revolve around that. And when they say that to me, I completely understand what they're saying. And it makes perfect sense to me. When you say that, when people say that to their loved ones.
It strikes a nerve because the translation on the loved one's side of hearing things like that is Just shut up about it. It's all fine. Let's just move on you should just get over it and don't worry about it. And I got this right it comes across as minimizing Deflecting and it makes the family member feel super insecure about whether or not the person is Really trying in recovery like they really mean it.
They're really doing it. Are they planning to go back to using? That's what they'll be thinking. Are they back using right now? And I don't even know it and then that [00:03:00] sounds the loved one and the same sort of emotional, insecure spiral needing a lot more reassurance. So what did they do? They bring it up more.
They talk about it more. They watch you closer. They ask you, did you go to your meeting? What happened in your meeting? Did you call your sponsor? They get their investigation badge back out. And what's really happening is they need reassurance. So the person in early recovery needs to be able to move forward and the family member needs reassurance.
Regularly, like more than once usually, because they've seen you do good for a while in the past, and then it fell off the cliff. Even though maybe they know you're doing good right now, they don't know if you're going to be doing good next week or next month, or are you just on good behavior for now, trying to get them Off your back and then you're going to go straight back to it.
They have all these fears and insecurities and rightfully because probably been a lot of that's happened in the past, right? Probably been a lot of times in the past you said I'm doing really good and I don't really need to go to those meetings again. [00:04:00] And all those same things you're saying now and it didn't end well.
So when you're saying them now, even though you mean them from a different place in your heart, it hits a chord. I want to talk to the family members here watching for just a minute and then I'm going to go back and I want to talk to the people in recovery watching because as you guys know on this channel We like to address this issue from both sides of the fence because it's not just about healing individuals from addiction.
It's about healing whole family systems So let's look at it. Let's talk for a second just to the family members. All right, I totally get It's been a roller coaster. It's been a lot of ups and downs. It's been a lot of lying and hiding and gaslighting and broken promises and missing money and all other kinds of sketchy behavior.
So of course you are having trust issues. You would be crazy if you didn't have some trust issues. Okay, so you are responding to the situation very normally and you're looking for that reassurance and when you go to look [00:05:00] for it a lot of times you're met with an attitude maybe Or just an energy that says go away, but I want you to be able to really assess that attitude and energy that you're getting because there's a difference in I don't really mean this and I'm just lying to you and I'm planning on continuing this addiction either now or in the future is different than this conversation makes me feel really squirming.
So sometimes that energy that you're getting you may translate it into meaning that they're not serious about recovery. But what they're really meaning is either, I feel really shameful and embarrassed about what happened and this is making me uncomfortable. And why are we talking about all the time?
Or I feel like I'm being treated like a child or I feel like I'm being controlled. So you got to differentiate between, is this avoidance about avoiding sobriety, or is this avoidance just about avoiding [00:06:00] the conversation? Because there really is a difference. I want you, the family member, to think for a minute about something that's happened in your life that you've done that you have major serious regrets about, that you feel embarrassed, maybe even humiliated about when the memory is brought up.
Now, give me just a second. Conjure it up. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to share it. Just conjure it up in your head. Do you feel squirmy? Do you want to talk about it? Probably not. Do you want to talk about it regularly? Definitely not. Do you want to talk about it every day? Multiple times a day?
For sure, 100 percent you do not want to because it's severely uncomfortable. So I want you to Connect to that feeling and realize that's what your loved one in early recovery is going through. They're shameful. They're embarrassed. They may still have some buttons about feeling controlled and They're still not completely trusting you and so you get [00:07:00] this Avoidance, or maybe even when you bring it up, or you ask a question, they get snarly with you.
They do the, like I call it, like the porcupine effect, where they're or the pufferfish are blowing up, putting the spikes out, and they're trying to get you to go away, because it's, it immediately makes them feel defensive, and they just want you to stop talking about it, and they want you to stop bringing it up.
And, likely, They've even made that statement to you. I'm tired of talking about it. Stop bringing it up, but you're unsure. And you just want to be supportive and you just want to be involved. And most of all, you just want some reassurance about what is going on. Are we headed in the right direction?
Am I being snowballed again? What is happening? So when you're met with evasiveness or prickliness as into like defensiveness, it makes you feel even more insecure. And so I want to give you a few guidelines about this whole, how much do we talk about it? How many questions do I ask?
And that sort of thing. I would say you need to talk about it less. And [00:08:00] I know that sounds crazy, right? Like I'm a counselor. Aren't counselors all about talking about it? I'm really not actually. There is an amount of talking about things that's helpful and needs to happen in this therapeutic, but then there's an overdone amount of talking about it.
And then what happens is even if your loved one's sober, they're still avoiding you because they're avoiding the conversation and it reminds you. Of the fact of they always was avoiding you before and when they were avoiding you before it meant something not good So we had you have that association in your head naturally.
Of course, it only makes sense And so it's triggering you it's keeping you constantly triggered, right? And so you need that reassurance, but you don't need to bring it up all the time one thing you can do that's helpful is maybe just set a time once a week, a couple of times a week, a little check in, a little meeting, like it was a business meeting or something just to get caught up so that both people know like when it's going to be.
And then your loved one isn't constantly feeling like when's [00:09:00] the shoe going to drop? Because when they're constantly on edge about something you're going to bring up, then they avoiding you all the time. If they know, okay, we're going to talk about it. for 30 minutes at 530 on, Thursday nights or something, right?
Then they can gear up for that. They can be ready. They can get non defensive and become open minded because they don't feel like crap is coming out of nowhere, or they don't feel like I'm in trouble because this is agreed upon time or something like that. So having that time set aside, Can be super helpful.
I know it feels awkward and forced a little bit, Especially at first it gets a little better, but it's definitely better than this Walking on eggshells that both of you are doing currently right because it's just weird and awkward So leave that behind schedule a time to talk about it And it shouldn't be all the time like probably once a week, maybe twice a week Is enough and if you're listening to this and you're listening to this and you're you know Child is the one with addiction and you have a partner or spouse.
This goes for you in that regards too. [00:10:00] As in, what I'm saying is don't try to talk to your spouse about it all the time because you're going to drive them crazy and they're going to feel like you're constantly negative. And then they're going to start avoiding you, which is going to trigger you, right?
And you're gonna feel like you're not on the same page and you don't believe me. You're not supporting me and all that stuff. And it's going to create some relationship problems. So I know you think about it all the time. Talking about it all the time isn't going to make you feel reassured. It's going to make you think about it more.
Just in recovery, when people are in early recovery, we don't really have them talk a lot about everything they did and everything that went down and all the processes involved. You know why? Because it's triggering, right? If they go down memory lane and they're telling me everything that happened and what they were wearing and what it smelled like and who they were with and everything else, it's going to trigger up a craving.
It's the same thing for the family members. Talking about too much can trigger craving. Now I also want to include for family members is that This other little sort of sidebar aspect. A lot of the family member bringing up or sometimes not all the time, but sometimes the family member bringing it up is they actually want details or [00:11:00] information about things that happened.
And there's a natural reason for that. And the natural reason for that is. They've been lied to and tricked and gaslit, and they don't know what to believe and what to trust. And so they're always feeling like there's something that they don't know. So they may outright ask you things, or they may just like sneakily poke around and try to poke you.
Find information from you, but they're wanting to know the details of what happened. Is there more money missing than I know of? Is there extra relationships I don't know of? What else is going on? Because part of the trauma for the family member is, most, actually most of the trauma for the family member is this being deceived part.
And so they're constantly, they want to know the details. I encourage family members to Not try to know every single detail. You need to know the big picture of what happened, and you need to know that the person gets it, but you don't [00:12:00] want every single lie they told. You don't want every single money they spent and didn't tell you.
You do not want every substance they did and when they did it, and how much and how frequently. If you get those details, You're going to freak yourself out, and then you're going to obsess about them, and then you're going to be on edge, and that's going to keep you constantly triggered, which is going to keep your loved one constantly triggered.
I know it, it's almost like an itch, and it feels like, I just need to scratch this and it'll be soothed over, or satiated or whatever, and then go away, but it won't. It'll be more itchy. Okay, because you'll find out something and you'll be like, Oh my gosh, there was something else I didn't know.
And then you're like, see, I knew it. There's other stuff I didn't know. And then you're going to go back into like detective mode, which we talk about a lot on this channel. It's not helpful. So knowing all those details isn't helpful. So I don't know if I were you, if I were to ask all of those questions, you want to know that they have a problem and they're going to fix it.
That's what you mainly want to know. I am the counselor or coach these days. I'm the [00:13:00] coach and I don't even Need all those details Occasionally, I'll need all the details of something But there's like a specific reason like my wife's really mad at me about what happened last Thursday So I might need to know all the details about what happened last Thursday because I'm trying to help you figure out how to make Things better with your wife or something Occasionally, but it's very rare because talking about the details is all is usually very embarrassing for the person.
It can be very triggering for the person. And unless there's a real need, even in my office, I could probably tell them the details, right? It's the same story over and over. I'm sure they're slightly different. As far as what happened but you can predict addictive behaviors.
Because if you've ever been to a recovery meeting, you can see people from all ages, all backgrounds, and they tell them the same story. Some people are at different points in that story, but they're telling the same story. So you really don't need all the details. If you want to know what they did, just watch this channel.
At some point i've talked about it. Okay? So let that part go. Now [00:14:00] there's one more aspect for the family members. Don't worry people in recovery, I'm coming for you too. So hang in there. One more aspect for the family members I want to talk directly to you about. And that is, I know what you want.
You want your amends. And you deserve your amends. Okay. I know you want it. And you want the apology. The person in early recovery feels like they've already apologized to you and they probably have, they probably apologize a hundred times, but you're like those didn't count because Look what happened after that and you're probably right what you're waiting for your amends and it feels When are they gonna isn't that part of this whole recovery process?
When are they going to own it up? And there's it's more than just you want an apology What's really going on there is you want some acknowledgement from them about how their behavior affected you It's just a lot deeper than an apology You want to know that they know what happened and what? It The consequences of that were for other people, you, other people in the house and that kind of situation.
And hearing that be acknowledged [00:15:00] is healing, right? And the other level piece of that is, is just when they're able to express that to you, not only does it make you feel heard and understood, but it also makes you feel secure that they get how bad the problem is. So there's a couple of reassuring things about that.
Depending on the person's personality, you may or may not get like a super direct amends. If your loved one is working an actual 12 step program, and they have sponsors, they're like, we're gonna accept, chances are you will get like an official amends. Sit down, we're having our amends conversation.
But, Even those of you who don't get it that way, you're going to get it in other ways. And so I want you to be able to spot it, even if it's not being said to you directly, because it's going to help you feel better. When someone has changed their behavior, that is the biggest amends possible, right? Cause they could say those words all day long, but if they don't change their behavior, it's just going to make you mad if they say it, right?
So the change in behavior in and of itself, is an expression of a regret. [00:16:00] It is an acknowledgement. It is a saying of, I was wrong. So some people, like I said, they can say it out loud. They can say, I was really wrong. And they're just more open and vulnerable in that way. And then other people. Are super scared to say it to you not because they don't mean it but because they're scared it's going to start an argument They're scared.
You're going to want to ask more questions They don't want to open the box or get near it because they're scared. Oh my gosh. Here we go again I can't take it. So just because they're not saying it Verbally doesn't necessarily mean that they don't mean it. If you watch their behavior and what's happening and how they're interacting with you, if they're changing their behavior and they're changing how they're interacting with you and they're treating you differently, that is an acknowledgment.
That's the best kind of acknowledgment because that's what really matters is The change and so find ways to look for that if your loved one just isn't the kind of person Maybe they're just like they just have a conflict avoidant personality, right? They may not [00:17:00] come right out and say it not because they don't mean it but because they're conflict avoidant So find ways to reassure yourself and get your evidence in other ways now They're going to be things that happen along the way.
They're going to trigger you. Somebody's going to come home late. Somebody's going to say something that sounds funny. Somebody's going to hang out with somebody who you don't trust, and they used to hang out with when bad things happened, or whatever. And that's going to make you panic, and you may want to have a conversation about it.
That's totally fine. Save it to your time that you've agreed on to have the conversation. Or if even, you don't even have to do that necessarily, but if someone is relapsed back into addiction, you're going to see more than one little clue. When you see a cluster of clues. That's your evidence, right?
Because anyone can be a few minutes late. Anyone, there are any of these little small signs that it could just be a whatever thing, maybe they missed their test or they're late for this or whatever. I don't want you to freak out because if they're relapsed back, you'll see multiple of these signs.
And [00:18:00] so you don't really even have to question. You don't have to get your investigator badge out because it's going to show itself. Very quickly, the unmanageability will show itself. You don't have to track it down. And if you did go to this person and you talk to them about it and they did relapse and you ask them if they relapse, chances are they're going to lie to you.
We've got other videos on this channel about how to handle it if you think someone's relapsed. So definitely check those out. I won't go into that here. I just wanted to throw it in because I know that's another reason why family members want to talk about it. All right, let's switch over now and I want to talk to the person who is overcoming addiction, a person in early recovery, and your, what you can do to help your loved one.
There are a lot of things you can do to help your loved one. Okay, I also want to talk about this idea of do I have to be defined by my addiction? How long do I have to keep going to all this recovery stuff, right? A lot of people will say to me that they really Resist like 12 step meetings and stuff because it's [00:19:00] because literally it starts out like you start speaking by saying hello.
I'm Amber. I'm an alcoholic like every single time you speak you start with that and it bothers people because it's like I don't want that to be my defining characteristic. The issue comes in is that the reason why it happens that way is because it's a reminder of hey. I don't do well with alcohol.
I don't do well with drugs or whatever. And it's a way of reminding yourself of, I can't manage it. And so it is helpful in that way, but it is also frustrating to, to be like. Just this and then a lot of the clients I see, they go to these meetings and they see people that have been going to meetings for 20 years and they're still showing up and they're still going to meetings every day and they're still saying the same thing and it freaks them out because they're thinking, Oh my gosh, like I'm not doing this for 20 years.
This is crazy. And then they come home and they, and then you come home and you say this to your family member. And it doesn't go well. So don't come home and say it to your family member. Okay? I want you to be careful about some of those statements I named in the [00:20:00] beginning. Because I know what you mean, but they're not gonna, they're not gonna go over well.
When you say things like, I just want to move on from this. It's not only does it scare your loved one, but it can be insulting because there's of course you want to move on because I'm the one you hurt. So of course you don't want to talk about it. And so it, you just, you don't mean it in that kind of way, but it definitely can come across in that way when you're saying things like that.
So just rephrase it a teeny bit just like literally use a few different kinds of words or say it differently. And it might go over better. Like for example you can say, if your loved one's bringing it up, you can say, hey, I can see, or hey, Don't say you are triggered because that might trigger them.
You can say it seems like you're worried about something. It seems like you're nervous. It seems like you're upset. It seems like you're questioning something and literally ask them what you can do to help them feel better instead of avoiding it. And then they'll usually [00:21:00] tell you and then you can bypass all this long drudgery of uncomfortable conversation and the sort of cat and mouse thing that normally takes place.
Just say, hey, it seems like you're upset. What's going on? Are you wondering about something? And then just put it right up on the table above board and you won't have to do that dance. And when you say things like, I just want to move on, just rephrase it into something like. I know we've been through some dark times together, and I'm excited about what our future's gonna look like.
You see how that comes across as more hopeful, slightly less insulting? I know you don't mean it insulting. What you're meaning is Oh my gosh, I don't want to relive these bad memories, because I really regret it. I really feel embarrassed about it. I really hate myself for it. And I feel physically uncomfortable when we're talking about it.
And when it reminds me I was talking to a client just this week, he was telling me that they were on like a little trip with some friends of theirs and one of the, Friends was had some drunken [00:22:00] behaviors and just the things are really embarrassing and the client was saying how like humiliate like how it was humiliating for him because it's oh my gosh like I remember I've been like that and how it's like I had he had to not even see it and it wasn't even him doing it was this other person but it was just like a reminder it's like when you watch it's something on TV and you feel like really embarrassed for the character.
Like you can't even look because you're so embarrassed for them. It's like that kind of feeling. It's why you don't want to talk about it, but, and then when you say things like, I don't want to go to these recovery meetings or how long do I have to keep going to counseling, it's coming across like you're not willing to put in the effort and that you don't really see it.
Like it's. You don't really see the magnitude of the problem, so you don't really understand what it's going to take, but you can actually just use those words and say, I'm not sure if I if I'm the kind of person that's going to have to go to meetings forever, I'm not sure if I'm going to get something out of going to counseling for, a year or something like that, but I can tell you one thing.
I can tell you I'm [00:23:00] going to do whatever I need to do to beat this. Man, if you can say something like that, just like strong, assertive, confident, that's what your loved one needs. They need this reassurance and confidence from you. So don't slink away from the conversation because all it's going to do is make them chase you more and they're chasing you.
It's driving you crazy. I know it is. Cause it would anyway. So just look your loved one in the eye, don't be squirming about it. And you can say, Hey, and if they're a question, you can say, Hey, this conversation makes me really uncomfortable. Not because I don't care about your feelings. Not because I'm not serious about recovery, because I feel really embarrassed about those things that happened.
And when you're vulnerable in that way, and you're just really authentic and you even say, can we. Can we not talk about this every day or something like that? When you come out with vulnerability like that, your loved one really is going to be like, okay, I get it. That makes sense. And it's just that sureness that you bring that confidence, not cockiness, [00:24:00] but that like solidness that you bring it.
And that vulnerability is that combination that really is reassuring. A lot of times, it's just the energy that you're, Sometimes even if trying to have a conversation, you could be saying all the right things, but your body language is you can just feel the wall up. You're just like not looking at them.
You're tense. And then you look like you're being dishonest when really you're just uncomfortable. So stop shying away from it. Just say it. Now, you don't have to go to meetings forever. Most of the people that I see Don't do the 12 step thing. I don't encourage people to be in counseling forever. It's funny because most of our clients, I'm like, all right, we'll put you on an as needed basis.
And then they're like, no, I think I want to keep coming or whatever. I'm like, okay. But I don't feel like people have to keep coming every day. I don't feel like you do have to talk about it every day. All you really have to do in my mind. is you just have to remember that there is no like loophole situation where you're going to get around the rules and figure out how to engage in whatever addictive behavior and it's going to end [00:25:00] differently.
That's it. If you can hear that from me one time and you got it and it's locked for now and forever, close the door. Amen. You're good. You don't have to go to meeting every day because that's all that is going to those meetings every day just as a reminder of that. Now there's some other things, like in 12 steps helping other people, giving back, sharing your story, that gives you some really good serotonin, which does help your recovery, but you can get that good serotonin in a lot of ways.
So it's not the only way to do it because a lot of people just, they feel like I don't want to be defined by this. Because it's embarrassing, right? Not because I don't get it, but because it's like, who wants that to be their, what they're known for, right? And I'm telling you, in front of the family members who are probably watching, that you don't have to do it forever.
You just have to really understand it and not trick yourself. And, maybe, if going to Talk to your sponsor, your coach, your counselor, your treatment center, wherever, if that is helping you to figure out how you trick yourself, [00:26:00] then you're still, then what you're doing is still being very productive because you're protecting yourself.
But there does come a point where you get like diminishing returns. There does come a point where you get either bored or plateaued, and then what happens when you get to that point, whether it's with treatment, meetings, coaching, whatever. Is you start to resent it and you start to look for all the flaws in it and that's not good because What ends up happening eventually is you just get totally put off by it, or you say or do something not great and you burn a bridge, and that's not good because maybe you might need that again at some point in your life.
So you don't want to stick around so long that you Sort of it backfires on you and you have an opposite kind of effect. So no, you do not have to go do that forever. You just have to remember you don't have a secret loophole to make it work differently. Don't think that just cause you've been sober for two years means you can go back and do it every now and then and it'll be fine.
It won't be fine. And the [00:27:00] reason why people have to go to meetings forever is cause they need to hear that over and over again. All you got to do is believe it. I don't know how many times it takes you to believe it. Probably what it's going to take you to believe it is, You have to try it a bunch of times, but my guess is if you're watching these videos or you're going to meetings, you've already tried it a bunch of times.
So if you don't believe me and you don't believe the people in the meetings, believe your own experience. You've already tried to manage it. Just put it on lock and that's it. And if you can put it on lock, you can move past it. You have permission to move on. Isn't that exciting? No other addiction counselor tells you that, right?
It's like you got to keep coming back. You got to keep doing it forever and ever because you might forget. No, you just have to remember. All right, I'm gonna push ahead and take some questions And while I do that, I will remind you guys that there are resources in the description Oh, yeah, and I put a new resource down there
we have a course called rapid relationship repair. It's just a little mini online course. If you are in recovery and you're struggling because your loved one does not trust you and you really want to figure out how to get them to trust you again and build back connection and make it better.
That's the course for you because it tells you how to expedite the [00:28:00] process. It goes a lot more in depth into some of the concepts we talked about today. All right, Kaelin says my husband has been sober from alcohol For over a year, but is now addicted to playing games on his phone. What would you suggest?
I guess my first thought Kaelin is It is hard when it comes to like games on your phone because so many people stare at their phone so much is it? Really an addiction. Is it a bad habit? What is it? Instead of what I can tell you, I can tell you what not to do. Don't start harping on them about it.
You're always on your phone, blah, blah, blah. Like you're never engaged with the family. Don't do that. Just say, hey, I would have, to have a conversation with you or can we set aside this time? So go about it more as in ask for what you really need because the problem with the phone addiction, the biggest problem with that is that You feel neglected, right?
You feel like, okay, you're here, but you're not here. So instead of telling them that they're doing something bad and criticize them, just ask for what you need. And when they're not on their phone, you can positively reinforce that by being pleasant. And that may [00:29:00] help. All right, Brie, what else do we have?
Debbie says, What if you're the one in recovery and your spouse avoids talking about it to the point of refusal? That's really interesting, Debbie. We don't see that a lot. Like we see the opposite.
I'm wondering first of all, I'm wondering why, I have a lot of questions. Why? Why do they not want to talk about it? I'm guessing there's some kind of reason there. And I know this sounds silly, Debbie, but it's like. Why do you want to talk about it? Because usually it really is the opposite. Is it you're trying to bring up things that, that the family member did wrong in the past?
And it's the same dynamic was making them squirmy. Is it because it just brings up so many bad, maybe it's because it brings up so many bad memories, but you know what you could do is you could just ask them. You can say, I know this is a super sensitive topic and it's not pleasant to talk about, and we don't have to talk about it.
I'm just wondering, what is it about? That topic that's hard for you. Like sometimes when a client either tells me outright or gives me an impression they don't want to talk about something, I never make someone but I'll say can you help me understand [00:30:00] why you don't want to talk about it? And sometimes just asking that actually gets them to talk about it but it's still what's the roadblock here?
So I would find out what the roadblock is because it's not a common one. So that's interesting. Grace says, What kind of support proof of sobriety would you recommend for co parenting with someone who struggles with substance abuse? Oh, I got an answer for you guys. You need some kind of recovery monitoring system and there are a lot out there.
The one that I recommend all the time if it's alcohol is called SoberLink. It's an alcohol monitoring technology and a lot of people who are going through a divorce with someone who has an alcohol problem actually have it written into the custody agreement. Sometimes the person takes the alcohol test just all the time, regularly to show they're sober.
And sometimes they don't have to take them all the time, but they have to take them when the kids are with them or something. But sober link really can't really be cheated. It is super, super crazy hard to cheat a sober link. So that gives you a reassurance. And there's one called clearly which [00:31:00] does something similar, but it does it for drugs.
And both of those are totally doable. You don't have to leave and go to a lab. You don't have to do any kind of craziness. It can fit into your everyday life, but it gives you assurance that your child is safe. That's what I would recommend.
Beverly says, I have been clean for a while, but I'm stuck having a lapse every three months or so for a few days when I get clean again. Why do I keep doing this? I don't know, Beverly. It could be different reasons, but I can tell you if you make it three months at a time, that's pretty dang good, right?
That's like, that's a long while. Is it like a certain trigger that's happening for you, Beverly? Is it like, wow, I've got 90 days. I deserve a cheat day. I have this Video where I talk about monster mouths and it's these rationalizations and justifications that we tell ourself I just like to call them monster mouths and I like to give them names because it helps you recognize them If I if you were sitting in my office Beverly what I would do is I would just we would talk through [00:32:00] this Together and we'd figure out What are the ways that you justify the relapse?
Is it, does it always happen after an argument? Does it always happen when no one's around to watch? Like we would just figure out what the pattern is, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're not trying. Cause if you get three months at a time, you're definitely mean it. You're definitely trying.
Daniel. See you. How do I get past my own selfish feelings of not being able to go out in bars and party while supporting my partner in early recovery? Ooh, this is another good question. I'm trying to find fun, sober activities, but so many social events involve alcohol and my partner chooses to sit them out.
Either I go alone or don't go. This is hard because it's if your partner goes on a diet and now it's like now you have to be on a diet. So it's it feels crummy sometimes. So I totally get what you're saying. If they're in early recovery, I would just use it to relate to them and just say, wow, like I didn't even realize how everywhere you go, it's like everywhere.
This is really hard. What's that like? And use it as a connection point. Usually later in the recovery [00:33:00] process people get less sensitive to it. So I definitely don't suggest having it like in your home But most people have been sober and doing well for a while. They can go to a social event for a while it's there If a person is telling you though that they're not up for it Then just believe them because there's a reason why they're saying that so don't push someone to go and it's okay to go By yourself.
Does it bother your If you go and you engage in those activities and they're not there, does it bother them? Most of the clients I see, it does not bother them if their spouse goes and does that kind of thing every now and then. It does bother them if their spouse goes and does it all the time and comes home wasted a lot and is always gone.
As long as it's in moderation or in normal range, it really, usually they're okay with it. And if it's beyond that, then it might be something we should look at anyways. Yikes. It won't be forever. Just early recovery. Nana says, what are examples of ways to get serotonin for our loved [00:34:00] one?
I'm I like smiled to myself a little bit there, Nana, cause you said get serotonin for them. You can't get serotonin for them. What creates serotonin is like, It is a combination of connection and being proud of yourself. So when you do something that you feel really good about, you get a little drip of serotonin.
If you get up every day and make your bed, if you do something helpful for someone, if you help old lady across the street, if you do something really great at work, it's if I do something that makes me feel like I, contributed or did something helpful or valuable for the people I care about, whether that's my workmates, my family, my friends, my community, whatever, that gives us that drip of serotonin.
Encouraging, what I do is I just encourage people to do something that makes them proud and say, what can you do today that you'd be proud of? It can be little, doesn't even have to be big. I can take out the trash before my wife asks. I'm like, yeah, both of y'all are going to get some serotonin and do it.
It's little things like that.
All right I think we might be getting to the end of our questions. So I want to say thank you to everyone who showed up live. Thank you for those of you who are watching [00:35:00] on the replay. There are resources in the description and I will see you guys next Thursday at one everybody.
