Addiction And Money_ How to Stop the Cycle of Financial Chaos
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[00:00:00] Today we're going to be talking about one of the toughest, most difficult, but also most necessary boundaries that you need to set and you need to be considering if you're dealing with someone who has an addiction in your family. Actually, financial boundaries apply to all of us in relationships, not just if you have someone with addiction in your family, but if you do have that situation going on, you're probably going to have to think this through a little bit harder and you're going to have to stick to your guns about it.
So let's talk about how. And when to set financial boundaries, how to phrase it, how not to phrase it how to stick to your guns on it. All of those things we're going to cover in today's video on financial boundaries. Now, this morning when I was thinking about doing this video, I consulted Kim.
Kim's one of our coaches, one of our family coaches, and I was consulting her. I said, I want to talk about financial boundaries. What do you think is important? And Kim said [00:01:00] that the first thing she likes for people to do when it comes to this topic is to think about your personal relationship with money and What I mean by that is how is it that you view money?
Is money a scary topic for you? Is it something that's really hard for you to talk about? Most likely your relationship with money stems back to your childhood somewhere. Maybe you grew up in a home where. There was tons of money and you felt like maybe your family didn't really take time with you.
They tried to buy your love. Maybe you grew up in a family where there wasn't money and you constantly felt unsafe and you weren't sure if the bills were going to be paid. Maybe you grew up in a house where funds were scarce and you felt embarrassed maybe by The things you didn't have that other kids had or the clothes you wore to school All of these things come into play and our own relationship with money and your relationship with money [00:02:00] is going to play a big factor in What boundaries you set?
Related to money with other people how difficult it is for you Why you're setting those boundaries and so once you understand your own relationship with money It's going to help you get clearer on where your boundaries need to be about money for some people money is just A way to get things and that's truly what it is money I want to say it's just pieces of green paper, but it's really not even pieces of green paper anymore It's just numbers on the screen somewhere, right?
And it's the meaning that we attach to money right for some people money means safety for some people, money means pride. There's a lot of connections that we have, and it's probably not just one thing, right? It's probably complicated and it's multiple things. So the first thing I want you to do is think back to what childhood messages did you get about money growing up and how does that play into how [00:03:00] you deal with money now as an adult?
And how is that going to play into how you're going to set financial boundaries with other people in your life, specifically if you have someone in your life who's struggling with an addiction. Money is very likely to come up when you're dealing with someone who struggles with an addiction. Now some of the pitfalls that comes in dealing with somebody who has an addiction with money is exactly what you might think You're you can find yourself very quickly covering all of their responsibilities Paying their rent paying their bills paying legal fees constantly having to bail them out of all kinds of trouble that they get themselves in I've had a lot of families who have And usually if they've done it once, they've done it multiple times, which should tell you something.
We might need to come back to this one, but who find themselves paying off drug dealers. So like your [00:04:00] kid or your spouse or your brother gets themselves in a bad situation related to their addiction and they owe someone a lot of money and you're really scared about what's going to happen to them if they don't pay it.
And then, so you go and pay that money off. Now, I don't know that I've ever met some. I'm sure there are people, but in the times when I've met people that have done that, they've done it more than once. We should tell you something, right? Once you do that once, then you're setting a message that says that they can talk you into it.
Now, you may say to them, I'm going to do this just as once. I'm never gonna do it again, right? You're going to say that, but you're sending another message, which is I'm so scared about what's going to happen to you. I'm going to. Okay. I'm going to fix it for you. And once they know that they're going to come back, it's going to happen again.
So if you do it once you can rest assured, you're going to do it again. Not just with paying off, maybe like some kind of debt that the person owes, like related to their addiction, but paying off their responsibilities. [00:05:00] And one of the biggest reasons to set financial boundaries is really more because if you don't, you're going to build up a lot of resentment.
And that's regardless of whether you have a lot of money or a little money. Some of you may have enough money to cover your loved one's expenses from now until forever and anything, any trouble they get into, but that's not the point, right? Because you're going to get resentful and angry and upset when You're taking care of someone else's responsibilities.
Whether or not that's easy for you doesn't really matter that much, to be honest, because you're going to get more and more angry when you're paying someone else's bills, covering someone else's expenses and they're not helping themselves. They're not stepping up to the plate. They're not either keeping a job or they're not using their money to pay their bills.
They're using all their money on their addiction. And then you're having to cover their responsibilities. Maybe what's your coverage for someone is their child support. [00:06:00] And this can get tricky because it's I don't want their kids to do without and I don't want the kids to suffer. So what happens is you get held hostage by these money issues.
You get held hostage by the fact that maybe their kids are going to suffer. I get held hostage by the fact that what if this dealer or this organization comes after my loved one, what if they get kicked out and they're on the streets? The problem is you're worried about that more than they're worried about that, right?
And so it's a higher priority for you than for them. And as long as you keep covering that, it's not likely to raise any higher in their priorities. Not that they don't care about it at all, but that their addiction is overriding their capacity to put whatever that is. And if you're putting it first, they're going to continue to not put it first.
Now, other things that you can get into [00:07:00] financial boundary issues about is things like paying for treatment. If you are helping someone pay for treatment, I think it's okay to do that, but I want you to do it if you're paying, especially if you're paying for like inpatient treatment or, because some treatment is super, most treatment is super expensive.
I shouldn't say some, most treatment is super expensive. And so when you're paying for treatment, I want you to keep some things in mind. They're likely to have to do it more than once. So if this is the first time you're helping someone or the first time they've been a treatment, I should say, I wouldn't remortgage your house or put yourself in some kind of bad financial situation to be able to help just this once, right?
Because don't put it all in because they're probably going to need more than that. And even if they just go to treatment once, they're probably going to need. So we're living or aftercare or whatever after that. So just don't put yourself in a financially bad place to pay for someone's treatment.
The other thing [00:08:00] that I want you to think about in regards to this is how close are they in their stages of change? I see families all the time say I'll pay for you to go to counseling. And if you're going to counseling, then I'll keep helping you out. But the person, maybe they show up to counseling.
Most of the time or some of the times, but they're not really invested in working on anything. So you can be paying the counselor all day long, but if you set the boundary, as long as you're going to meetings, as long as you're going to counseling or whatever it is, then I will continue to help you. What you're doing is you're paying for compliance, not necessarily investing in someone who's trying to change.
Even with outpatient counseling and coaching in the past. A lot of times we're dealing sometimes in my career i've dealt with teenagers So sometimes parents have to pay for that, right? But even if it's an adult one thing you can do one boundary a way to think about it is you'll say If nothing else you should say i'll pay for the sessions you go to Because if you're paying for [00:09:00] someone's let's say counseling appointments or something like that And they're just no showing all the time.
You're literally paying for them to not show up. Imagine how angry you're going to be When you find out that they didn't show up and if you're thinking that you can call the counselor's office and ask if they showed Up, they can't even tell you so you don't even know sometimes am I paying for the session fee?
Am I paying for a no show fee? And that is going to send you through the roof pretty dang quickly because if you're paying for their counseling chances are it's not The only thing you're paying for you're probably paying for other expenses that they have when you set A boundary around what you're going to pay and not pay.
You need to be clear and consistent about it. So before you definitely, before you verbalize a boundary to someone else, but before you decide on a financial boundary, I just need you to check into your heart, go back to what we talked about at the beginning, which is your relationship with money from your [00:10:00] childhood, probably and say, what can, what kind of line in the sand do I, Know I can draw and feel okay about, right?
Don't say, I'm not going to let them live here. I'm not going to pay their rent. If good and darn that you are not prepared to deal with it, if they don't have somewhere to go, right? You need to really think these things through and you don't always have to verbalize a boundary to someone else.
This is a conversation you need to have. With yourself, and it's something that you need to give some serious thought on because you're this boundary Whatever your lines in the sand are probably gonna get tested no matter how far back those lines are You know, you can give someone all the rope But if you're dealing with addiction, they're gonna push past whatever your limit you are You can say you have an allowance of a million dollars a year and guess what if you're dealing addiction They'll push you past your million dollars.
They're gonna test your boundary. It's coming. Don't think they won't [00:11:00] It is going to. Okay, so prepare yourself for that. And so set a boundary in a way that when you have to uphold this boundary, you're not going to waiver. You're not going to question yourself. You're going to feel totally fine because you know that it's more than fair.
I would rather you said a more than fair boundary than an overly strict boundary. Because if you said it more than fair, you're more likely to hold it up. If you set it super strict because you're like, I'll put my foot down, I'm not enabling, you're more likely to cave. Unless you're just really good with boundaries.
If you're really good with boundaries, you're probably not even watching my video because you're like, that's not hard. I'm not giving them no money. You don't even have to watch the video. So, do, whatever you think is fair, do that. Plus, a little bit more so that you don't question yourself, so that you don't guilt yourself, so that your heart strings can't be played on because good and you're more than fair about it.
Okay? Go [00:12:00] slightly more than fair. Other, here's some other things you might need to think about when it comes to boundaries. Things like paying for a phone bill. Especially if this is like your kid, but really anybody, because sometimes for families, it's I need to know that they have a phone because I need to know that they can call me if they need me.
And sometimes it's I'm going to make the decision to pay this phone bill for my own sanity, not for them, but for my own sanity and well being. Now, depending on what they're addicted to and how addicted they are, they may sell that phone. You need to be, you need to understand that. And if your loved one has.
A history of selling the phone. I wouldn't keep buying them the phone over and paying the bill. But if you feel like you need them to have a phone for your own sanity, I'm okay with that. But I just want you to think it through. And I know it's not. So much the way it used to be in the past like if they run up their phone minutes or their text or their Wi Fi you could end up with a really big bill.
It's not as much the case [00:13:00] anymore Maybe you want to do a prepaid phone, but here's where I want you to think it through you can say I'll do a prepaid phone, but then they're gonna run out of minutes and you're gonna be in the same Position you were in before which is now they can't get ahold of me and now your heartstrings are going to get pulled on That's what I mean.
You have to think through these situations From every angle to make sure that you're really solid on it that you feel like it is more than fair And you can live with yourself when they get mad at you Because they're going to get mad at you. Whatever the line is, you need to be cool with it.
And when they get mad at you, it's not even going to bother you because you're going to be like, no, I, no, my conscience is clear. You cannot guilt me on this. You don't have to say that to them, but you can think that to yourself. And when you're more than fair, you'll be able to think that to yourself and it won't bother you.
You won't second guess yourself. You won't feel bad or guilty or any of that kind of stuff. Cause you'll. You'll know that you did the right thing. You did more than the right thing. And then, of course, when it comes to financial [00:14:00] boundaries, you have to think about how much of the natural consequences am I stopping if I'm financially completely supporting someone, right?
If I'm covering someone's bills, if I'm covering someone's child support, if I'm giving them money to go buy the drugs, which is a thing. That happens all the time. If I'm giving them money to buy the alcohol or I'm purchasing it for them at the store, how much are you shielding them from the consequences?
Because If you follow this channel very far, the magic formula for getting someone out of denial and into recovery is, it's a couple of things. One, it's you not being in the bag at all. So being able to have a good relationship with empathy and understanding and all that stuff combined with natural consequences.
So if you just have one of those and not the other is probably not going to work. You need both of those things. It's a little formula [00:15:00] that. This is the formula that works to get people moving towards change and I can't guarantee you a hundred percent It will get everyone to change but I can tell you it's going to give you it's going to be the most probable thing To get you a successful healthy good outcome
Prepare I want to talk for just a second a little bit more about preparing yourself If you've not been setting financial boundaries and you've all of a sudden decided to set financial boundaries, there's going to be pushback. So you need to think through, am I done and I'm just done and I don't care and I'm just going to wait till they ask me the next time and I'm just going to say no.
Do you feel in your heart like you need to give them a heads up and I'm not saying you do need to give them a heads up. I'm just saying think this through for yourself. Do you want to tell them, hey, I know I've done this in the past, but I'm not going to be I'm not going to do that anymore. And so that they're prepared now don't think that just because you prepared them, they're not going to test that [00:16:00] boundary.
They're still going to test the boundary, but if it makes your heart feel better that you taught them ahead so that you didn't put them in a bond, then do that. Now. I want to slow down and zoom in on what I said when I gave you that boundary example, I said, I'm not going to do that for you anymore.
I'm not going to cover that. I don't want you to say, I can't afford to do that. I don't want you to say that, or I don't have the money for that. I do not want you to say that those are major mistakes in boundary setting. And the reason is because it doesn't matter whether you have the money for it or not, or whether you can afford it or not, or whatever you're setting the boundary.
Because of your own values and principles about protecting yourself, about making other people have to be responsible for their end of things, not about whether you have the money or not. If you say those words, they're going to literally throw it back in your face. The next time you go on a trip, are you, [00:17:00] get your hair done, are you, Pay for something nice for yourself.
They're going to say, Oh, I thought you didn't have the money. They're literally going to hold it over your head like a weapon. And then you're going to get into an argument, feeling the need to justify. So whether you have the money or not, I never want you to say, I'm not doing this because I don't have the money because I can't afford it.
Don't hang your hat on. That's the reason why. Because it's just going to set up a bad dynamic, which is sending the message. If I had the money, I would pay it. And that's not exactly accurate. So do not hang your hat on that. That's a mistake. When you get the pushback, be prepared and do the best that you can to respond with kindness and empathy.
In fact, do the best you can to respond with kindness and empathy from the get go, from the beginning of setting the boundary, you're probably. When you know you have to have a hard conversation or you know it's coming at some point, you gear yourself up and you get yourself [00:18:00] defensive before the conversation even happens, and it's like you're ready to go to war.
And I don't want you to do that, okay? I want you to be solid on your boundaries. I want you to think about where they are, somewhere where you can be consistent and feel totally secure about it. And then, I want you to prepare yourself. that when this boundary gets questioned or when they push you on it, I don't want you to respond with angry, nasty, accusatory statements.
I don't want you to be defensive about it because that's getting yourself into the bad guy role. Now, they're probably not going to like it, no matter how nice you are about it. If you've stopped doing something that you used to do and that's okay, but you're not getting yourself in the bad guy role.
Even if they don't like it, that's not putting you in the bad guy role necessarily. What will get you in the bad guy role is if you're super nasty about it and you're critical and you're judgy and you remind them of all the bad things that they did in the past and how you've been covering their stuff for X amount of time.
And all that kind of stuff. I want you to avoid any of those kinds of [00:19:00] statements, phrases. I want you to avoid even feeling the statement in your heart. Okay. I want you to have empathy for their situation and you can verbalize that empathy by saying something like. I know this is put, I know you're in a bad position.
I know this is hard. I know that this is a change up from what I've used to done. You can even say this is hard for me to be honest. But have empathy and kindness and calmness when you set, when you have the conversation about it. In just a minute, I'm going to share with you some phrases. Some that work better than others.
Let's start with the phrases that are not going to work. So well, hold on I got my notes over here. So I'm going to pull them up so I can tell you what they are
All right. Here's one. Don't do this. Okay. These are the don'ts You need to stop spending your money on drugs and start being responsible. I don't want you to say that because when you [00:20:00] say that you're putting focus on their behavior, which is unlikely to cause the change. Plus you're just leaving a lot of room for argument, right?
If you say, you need to quit spending your money on drugs, they're going to start trying to tell you, I didn't, I'll show you, I'll show you my bank account and you can see where my money went. And you're just leaving room for argument. When. It's not about the specific details of all that. You just don't want to back yourself into that corner because maybe this week they spent their money on it.
But you know that they're they don't have money or the bill isn't paid or it's four months behind because last week they didn't. You just don't want to get into the nitty gritty of it. So avoid that kind of statement. Here's another one. If you loved me, you wouldn't keep asking for money. That's a guilt trip.
Guilt trip is just going to damage the relationship, damage the trust, and addiction isn't about a lack of love, right? They're not doing this because they don't love you. They're doing this because they have an addiction. All right, [00:21:00] here's another one I don't want you to do. I'm not giving you money because you're just going to waste it.
This is going to feel like an attack, and it's not going to go over well, and it's going to escalate the argument. I don't want you to say, You're ruining our family's finances. I can't take it anymore. I don't want you to say I was supposed to retire last year and now I'm going to have to work five more years because of you, right?
I don't want you to say those kinds of things. I don't want you to say, look, it's because of you, your sister can't go to college or whatever, just that may be true. But leave that part out when it comes to truth my saying on it is truth should not be used as a weapon You cannot hide behind.
It's true. Okay, and Plus if you let it get to that point it's your boundary issue to begin with and so you can't really put that on them because If you're getting to the point where you're having to work five more years or you had a college fund for your other kid And now you don't have it That's a boundary You've got to take responsibility for having not set that boundary in the first [00:22:00] place.
So don't take your anger and your frustration out on them because it's not going to help the situation. Here's another one. I'll give you money this time, but after this i'm done. I don't want you to say it that way because you're completely undermining your value. If you're saying that it's probably because you've already set a boundary and now you're crossing the boundary and I do not want to I do not want you to do that.
Now, for those of you who are already in a position and maybe you're mad that you got here, maybe you wish you weren't, but you're here where you've been pretty much completely financially supporting someone, you're probably going to have to back out of this a little bit at a time. Because if you've already been financially completely supporting someone for a long time.
I don't think you're gonna have the heart maybe they did something really bad and you do and you're there and if you're there you do it But you probably are not the kind of person that's gonna have the heart to just cold turkey That's it. I was paying everything for you. And now that's it and you're on the [00:23:00] street unless they did something super bad You're probably not there.
So you probably are gonna have to like taper off the money supply. And this is a kind of situation that Campbell's really good at how to step back a little bit at a time, strategically trying to give them at least the opportunity to step up and take a little bit more at a time so that you know again that you are being more than fair, more than reasonable.
Now I'm going to remind you. No matter how reasonable you are, they're still not going to do it. Okay, so don't do it because you think okay If I give them this much rope, they'll definitely step up to this plate because they're not going to do it But the point here is that you're not going to feel guilty about it because you know That it was totally reasonable.
Okay, so you may have to step back and taper off The other thing I want you to avoid doing is If you're going to give someone [00:24:00] money, don't get into the whole thing about micromanaging it because it's going to drive you and them crazy. Now if you've got, if you've got a kid in early recovery and they're wanting money, sometimes a common thing to do would be to say, okay, I'm going to give you this, but I want to see the receipts and I'm okay with that for a short period of time.
But if that goes on for a long period of time bad blood is going to happen, right? Because the person is going to be resenting you. You're going to be resenting them. You're still going to be questioning and that kind of thing. You don't want to micromanage their money. And this comes into play, especially in situations like We deal a lot with people who have trust funds, right?
Or they have some kind of inheritance. And someone else wants to try to micromanage all of the money. When you're setting money boundaries, the money boundaries are for you. They are not an attempt to control the other person. Just like any other boundary and don't trick yourself by saying, Oh, I'm setting that for me.
In [00:25:00] your heart, you're trying to control the situation because you're not going to be able to control it. You're probably going to make it worse and it's just not going to end well. So I don't want you to do it that way. Don't try to micromanage it. If you've decided in your heart that your boundary is, I'm going to give you 200 a month to help out because I know you're working, but it.
But what you make doesn't cover your bills. I don't want you to micromanage what happens to that 200. You're going to make yourself and them crazy. If you know that you're going to be covering some of someone's expenses. Just, and let me just say this. It's totally fine if you don't want to cover anybody's expenses.
I don't have a problem with that at all. I'm not telling you to do it. I'm just saying if this is what you decide your boundary is that you're going to do that. I want you to decide a number in your head that you're comfortable with. And you can think about whether or not you want to tell them that number or not.
But I want you to decide a number in your head and that this is where I'm comfortable, [00:26:00] and anything past that I'm not comfortable. No matter what the thing is. No matter what the excuse is. So that you're not having to go back and make decisions over and over again about money. You may find yourself in a situation where someone's not being financially responsible and so they have to come for you for money for every single little thing they want.
And it's like you're giving them five dollars at a time or something because you're trying to control their addiction. When you're doing that, when you're giving someone five dollars at a time, it means you're trying to control their addiction. Okay, so again whether or not you say it to them in your own head I want you to have a boundary of What you're okay with covering and what you're not and maybe your boundary is I will pay your electric bill And maybe you just have it set up where it's just automatically taken out of your account So you don't even have to have a conversation with them about it the less Or the less you can set where someone has to come to you every single time and you guys have to have a difficult conversation about it.
[00:27:00] The less of those you can have the better. Setting up anything you can set up. That's just this is our agreement and it's on autopilot the better. And that is also going to help keep you out of the trying to micromanage them and control through the use of money. I don't want you to use it to control.
I want you to set the boundary for you based on where your heart can live and not live. A lot of if you've watched these videos for a long time, that money, I don't think money is the most enabling thing you can do. Money, whether or not you give someone money is not going to make or break their addiction.
Think about. All the bazillionaires and the rock stars and the professional athletes who are addicted and they have all the money in the world All the means to continue to pay and they still get sober sometimes, right? Think about people who have no money at all. They're not working. They're living on the street.
They have zero money And they're still finding a way to use. So you're not going to [00:28:00] control their addiction by controlling the money, but you can control your sanity by controlling the money about where you're comfortable and where your heart is and there's no hard and fast rule about it, but a nice little formula that might help you make these decisions is the whole What I call they take a step you take a step You're less likely to feel resentful and angry about helping someone if you know that they're helping themselves had a conversation with someone this week who was I think they were trying to figure out how to help their adult child and it was like They said I've paid all this before for them, and I'm so worn out of it, and I'm just enabling them.
But now their child, their adult child, is in a position where they're actually are doing good. They're going to means they're like, we're doing really good in recovery, and they're working, but they still need some help paying their rent, or something like that. You're probably not going to feel nearly as resentful about doing that as you were when you were [00:29:00] doing it And you were helping but they weren't helping when you're doing more than they're doing That's when you're going to end up in a resentment when you're matching them And i'm not saying they pay five dollars.
You pay five dollars. They're helping themselves could be in other directions It's not a dollar for dollar issue. It's a effort for effort issue Okay, so it's like they're working hard to help themselves and you walk alongside them That is called helping, not enabling, and you're going to feel good about it, and you'll know it's helping because you feel good about it.
When you're working harder than they are, that is called enabling, and you're going to know it's enabling because you're going to be resentful about it, and you're gonna feel you're gonna feel forced to do it. You're not really forced to do it, but you're emotionally held hostage to do it. It's like I don't want to do this, but I feel like I have to do this or else this bad things gonna happen.
I can't tolerate the idea that this Bad thing is going to happen to this person that I care about. And so you're doing it because you're emotionally held hostage and you feel like there's just terrible [00:30:00] things going to happen and you build resentment. That's how, it's enabling. So if you're trying to figure out where am I at?
Am I helping or am I not helping? Ask yourself that question. How do I feel about it? Does it make me feel good? Does it make me feel bad? And that's going to give you the answer to that question. Now let's take a look at some phrases that may be some ways to communicate the boundary. That might work a little bit better for you.
You can start with an empathy statement. Like I get that this is hard. I care about you a lot. I just need to make sure I'm taking care of myself and my family too. Now, when you say taking care of myself and my family too, that doesn't, I don't want you to say. I can pay my own bills, right? Because remember, I don't want you to tie this to whether or not you have the finances to help them right because that's going to get used against you.
But taking care of myself and my family, that could mean financial, but it could also mean emotionally and everything else. Here's another one. I know you're doing your [00:31:00] best. I want to support you, but I can't. I'm not going to continue to pay for your whatever it is in this way. It's not helping either of us.
You can say that. Another one you can say is I hear what you're saying. I know that this is frustrating, but I need to feel safe and secure in this relationship. You can say that. You can say, Okay. I love you, and because I love you, I'm not going to be able to keep doing these things. Now, this one is careful.
This one I want you to be careful on, because there's a little piece of this that works better than others. If you say, I can't keep enabling you, I don't want you to put the word addiction right there. And I specifically don't want you to put, because it's triggering, right? I want you to say, I can't keep enabling you to not live up to your responsibilities.
Versus I can't keep enabling your addiction now. A lot of people would tell you otherwise they would tell you to do that But then you're gonna [00:32:00] Especially if this person doesn't think they have an addiction they're in denial Now we're we've started a whole nother argument that we don't want to go around and the point is When it comes to finances, it's not about the addiction or not the addiction.
It's the fact that they're not covering their responsibilities Okay, so I want you to keep the language about that and I want you to whenever possible Refrain from using the word alcoholism, addiction, because it's just once you do that, it's just like you're hitting a certain button that's A lot more likely to blow up on you and get into a very unproductive conversation.
You can say I know that this probably feels unfair. You can even say I know that this is unfair. I know that this is unfair because i'm changing the rules of the game and i've always done it before And it's unfair and if the person says to you're being unfair you're being unreasonable One day some of those things if there's a little truth in it and say yeah, I know right?
And that's most likely to happen [00:33:00] They're most likely to say something like that when you've always done it before. If you've always been super consistent about the money boundary, they're not going to push you on it. They may not even come to you for money because you've already set the consistent boundary.
But if you haven't, they're going to push on those heartstrings. So I just need you to be prepared for whatever it is. You're just a cheapskate or you paid for my brother's stuff. What you love him more, just. Be prepared to handle that kind of pushback and you can say yeah, I know it is a bit unfair just to own it if it's true It's not true.
You don't have to own it. But if it is true, just own it don't when they say to you, you don't trust me. I want you to say you're right. I don't Because when they say you don't trust me now, all of a sudden they've made you feel guilty for not trusting them But there's a reason why you don't trust them something they did right?
So don't let them Put that mind trick on you and throw that guilt back on you. You can say, I know I really don't trust you, but I know we're going to get there. You can be positive about it if you want [00:34:00] to, but just on the fact that you're right, I don't. And then I can't use it as a weapon against you.
Now, in just a minute, we're about to get to the part where we, if you're watching live, we're going to take some questions and comments and concerns. Last week Told you guys for the 1st time about a new thing that where it's not out yet, but it is going to be coming out called Amber AI and eventually we're gonna have a Kim and Campbell AI.
That's exciting. And that is where you can actually interact with the virtual. Version of me, and I know that sounds crazy. If you've used chat GTP or something like that, some kind of other AI system then you'll understand exactly how this works, but it will only give you the information, the philosophies, the strategies, the phrasing that I would give you because.
It has been, the Amber AI has basically been trained on every YouTube video I've ever made, every blog I've ever written, [00:35:00] every online question I've ever answered, every online course I've ever made. That's where the information comes from that fuels this particular AI. And so when you talk to it, you can rest assured that you're going to get information.
And I showed you an example last week and I want to do that again today. I just want to show you how it works. Most people we have a bunch of beta testers in there now, and it's really fun to watch them. This I don't know whether I'm like I'm half excited. I'm a little jealous. I'm a little worried.
I don't know how I feel about Ambryo because I'm telling you, she's smarter than I am because she remembers everything I've ever said. And so when you ask her something, she's going to lay it out for you so much more thoroughly than I would. And I'm like, dang, she's better. She's seriously better than I am with a lot of it.
Maybe not a hundred percent, but pretty dang good to be honest. In fact, those statements that I read to you, the things to say and not say, I got them from Ambria. I asked Ambria. I said, Hey, give me five phrases that [00:36:00] people should never use when setting a financial boundary. And she spit them out. And those are the ones I told you, I said, give me five phrases that work better.
And she spit those out. She lists them out. 1, immediately. And those are the ones I told you. And so I think she's really. A lot of people in the beta test are using her and she's really good at How do I say it? What do I say? When do I say it? What boundary should I? Set and what's cool is you can see in the beta test people are just having these long ongoing conversations And if you're logged in And that means because I have it set to anonymous So if you log in it'll know who you are and it'll remember your conversations If you're on the same device, you'll see them all there and that's really cool because you can just Continue the conversation.
Maybe you ask one day, what do I say when X, Y, Z happens? And then you try that. And the next day you go back in and you say, okay, I said it. And this is what they said. What do I do next? You can have this whole ongoing dialogue with Amber AI. It's pretty neat. Bree, look over there in the chat. See if we have a good question.
We'll [00:37:00] ask Amber AI so you guys can see how it works. And then we'll see what she says. So you'll know I didn't make up the question. I didn't input the answer. It's just coming straight out. We'll do it right here. We're going to do it voice. So you guys can hear it. But most people are using the chat feature, which is the texting back and forth feature.
The voice isn't exactly my voice. I'm working on it still, but not there. All right, Brady, we have a question to ask Andrea.
I'm going to add her up here so you can see. So this is Amber AI. This is, you see this big gray box here? These are the five statements not to make. You can see I asked her this little question. She spit out all this information. It's pretty cool. All right. What's our question? Our question is this. So let's call her.
We're going to start a call.[00:38:00]
Hey. Thanks for calling Amber's AI coaching line. How can I help you? Our marriage counselor, who is an addiction counselor, says every time my husband starts to drink that me and my three kids should leave and go to a hotel for a minimum of a day and then return. What are your thoughts?
I've got to say, that's a pretty bold recommendation from your counselor. I can see where they're coming from though. The idea is probably to create a clear boundary that says, hey, this behavior isn't acceptable and we're not. Go in to stick around and be part of it. It's also a way to protect you and your kids from being around the drinking and whatever comes with it, whether that's verbal abuse, chaos, or just the general instability that addiction brings into a home.
But here's the thing. While I understand the logic behind it, I think it's important to weigh the practicality and emotional impact of this approach. Packing up [00:39:00] three kids and heading to a hotel every time your husband drinks could be incredibly disruptive, not just for you, but for your kids too. It might even start to feel like you're the one being punished for his drinking, which isn't fair.
Instead I'd encourage you to think about what boundaries you can set that are sustainable and effective for your situation. For example, is there a way to create a safe space in your home where you and the kids can retreat when he's drinking? Or could you set a boundary that says if you're Go and get a drink.
You need to do it outside the house or somewhere else. The key is to make sure you and your kids feel safe, both physically and emotionally. If his drinking ever crosses the line into aggression or abuse, then leaving might absolutely be the right call. Safety always comes first. Do you feel like his drinking creates any safety concerns for you or your kids?
That's an important piece to consider when deciding how to handle this. Now, [00:40:00] I hung up because just for Tom's sake, but you can continue this whole conversation with her. You can say yeah, sometimes he says this or does this, or you can keep going back and forth. And this is a great question, Brie, you picked a good question, because you can see that she answered that question the way I would answer it.
If you ask CHATGTP that question, or you just scour the internet, they would probably would say, yeah, do that, because that would be a pretty commonplace addiction counselor recommendation. But I just need you to think it through. And the only thing I would add to what Anne Marie said, I agree with everything she said, but I would just add one more thing, which is if what you're trying to do is get them out of denial and into recovery, which you guys know is what I talk about all the time on here, if he Cracks open one beer and takes one sip and you gather up your children and you leave the house you've destroyed every credibility you've got because he's going to be and I know that this is what he's thinking because i've seen a lot of husbands [00:41:00] in this situation where these Kind of things have happened.
They're like, oh my god. She's such an overreactor I had one half of a beer and she acts like whatever and so you destroy Your credibility when you do that, it's making you seem like an overreactor. Now I get that you're doing that either because you're afraid something's going to happen or because your counselor told you to do that or whatever, but it's going to destroy your credibility with the person.
If you're gonna set a boundary about leaving the house, it needs to be something around if things escalate. If you get, start acting specifically name some behaviors, then I'm gonna, and you can say, do whatever I need to do to remove me and the kids from here, whatever. You don't even have to say I'm gonna get to a hotel room, and you don't even have to say how long.
I say you leave yourself room for game time decision. All right, Brie, let's have some more questions, and I'll answer the other ones, but I just wanted you guys to see Ambria. The beta test is full, but you can still get on the waiting list. We may do a second round of beta tests. If you're [00:42:00] interested in getting access to Ambria, put yourself on the waiting list.
The link is in the description along with All the other resources that we have. I think we have a spot or two left for March for strengths coaching. All of it is down there. Let's take some more questions. All right. I'm gonna take Amber AI off the screen here. All right. Here's the question. Rachel says.
I haven't fully decided on what to do, but if my husband and I decide to live separately, should I take the phone that I had to replace back? He's had it for a year and we're on the same phone plan. I'm wondering if I keep my phone plan when we don't live together, then I feel like, again, it's to save him.
It's to save helping him out and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't do it. Also, he doesn't have a job and I'm not sure. This is a great question and it is spot on topic, Rachel. I'm really glad you asked [00:43:00] this. I can tell by the way you're wording this, you're trying to make this decision about how it's going to affect him.
And I don't want you to make the decision that way. I want you to make the decision based on how it's going to affect you. So I don't have a yes, you should take it or no, you shouldn't. But what I do have for you is, see, you're trying to say if I leave him the phone, then I'm, I'm continuing to enable them.
I just want you to make a decision based on what feels okay to you. Paying a phone bill or not paying the phone bill, I 1000 percent promise you is not going to make or break addiction. So do not make it based on that. Make it based on what Feels right. And what you're comfortable with in your own heart.
Crystal says married for over 20 years. And I have been the one to manage the money husband left and established his own bills and acquired more debt, not doing so good to manage it. He is now wanting to come back and [00:44:00] says. At and stays at our home most of the time We are working on our marriage and i'm not wanting to get back to the way things were But it seems wasteful to pay for dual homes any suggestions so I feel like what you're asking here crystal is Because he moved out, he has his own like rent, water bill, electric bill, internet, all that kind of stuff.
And you're saying it seems wasteful if he's staying here most of the time to continue to pay that. And yeah, I see what you're saying. It is wasteful. Does it give you peace of mind to know that he does have somewhere else to go, which means that you can change your mind about the, where you're staying here situation.
And maybe if it gives you enough peace of mind, maybe it's you know what, it may not make the most financial sense, but it makes the most sanity sense because it's balancing the [00:45:00] money. and the sanity. You got to bring both in together. Or maybe the fact that he's wasting all that money is making your sanity crazy because you're obviously financially responsible.
So maybe that's what's ruining your sanity. And so I want you to make the decision based on that. Again, not necessarily based on how it does or doesn't affect him. I thought what you were going to ask me crystal is whether or not You should be responsible or how the bills he's racked up should be paid if he moves back I want you to think through that because that's what's coming next your way cindy says My son works regularly.
He does not have an addiction, but he wastes money And then tries to get us to pay rent utilities and car Tries to make us feel bad for not helping him children are involved. So i'm guessing the question Is the question Cindy, should I keep helping him or not? I'm gonna assume that's the question here.
I think you're throwing children are involved in, which is telling me [00:46:00] that not helping him at all is probably going to be very hard. It's going to pull on your heartstrings. And I understand that I've been in this situation myself and I've continued to help for that very reason. I totally get you. But what you may want to do a couple of things.
You may want to start tapering him back and you may want to communicate that to him. Or you may want to say, I can help you for this many more months. But after that, I'm not going to, but make sure you're totally solid on that in your heart so that you don't cave. Okay. Or you may decide in your own mind, okay I will help him, but maybe there's like a, an allowance or a budget in your mind that you're not going to cross.
And you can say to yourself or him, if you want to, I'll help you X amount. There's no right or wrong answer about whether you should or shouldn't help him. But if you're helping him is putting you in a position where you can't pay your bills. I need you to consider that if you're helping him is putting you in a position or putting someone else in your life in a bad position.
For example, [00:47:00] maybe you're helping your son. And I don't know this case. It's just example for other people. Cindy. But if you're helping your son to the point that. Your husband works and now he can't retire because you're helping him so much or y'all are helping him so much. These are things to consider is how's it impacting you and how's it impacting the other people close to you?
If you have other children and you can't help them or you have other grandchildren and you can't do the things for those grandchildren because all your money is going over there. These are the factors that you need to weigh in the decision. More than how it's going to impact him or not impact him.
It's how it's going to impact you. Those are the factors to consider. Liz says, my son lived in Greenville and went to rehab. He can't get out of his lease, so I'm paying 1, 700 a month till the end of May. Painful. I'm doing this so it doesn't ruin his credit. Is that right? I don't want him, I don't [00:48:00] want him not to be able to get an apartment, and I definitely don't want him living with me and his stepfather.
Okay,
I mean I can tell you what I would do but that's based on my own values around money Okay, I can tell you what I would do and I probably What? Let me ask this is he still living in the apartment because for some reason I was thinking he wasn't living in the apartment Because you said he went to rehab is he not even living there and you're paying it Okay, because I think maybe that's what you're saying because that adds a layer in if In my mind, if you're doing it to save his credit, I would not do that, because he needs to be responsible for his credit.
Credit can be mended. It is not the end of the world. I wouldn't, I personally wouldn't do it for that reason. I might do it for the reason because you can't tolerate the idea of him being homeless if he's still living there or is going to live there. And you don't want to live in your house. [00:49:00] I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but I'm saying if that's where you're at.
I'm okay with paying it for that reason for your sanity, but I would not pay it to protect his credit because guess what? He's going to do it again and again with the credit thing and you're going to come to your end of the rope at some point. You're not going to want to keep bailing him out just for the credit reason.
So I wouldn't do it for that reason. That would be the way I would do it.
Erica says, I put a financial boundary on my, I think, boyfriend. It ended up a big issue, and now he does not want to live with me, but we also have not spoken for two months. How should I take this? I put a financial boundary on my boyfriend. It ended up he, big issue, and now he doesn't live with me, but we have not spoken for two months.
How should you take it? You should take it that he's put you in the villain role [00:50:00] and he's blaming you for all the problems and he's feeling sorry for himself and he's cut you off because of that. I think it is exactly what it looks like and it's not necessarily something it's not doesn't necessarily mean you made a bad decision.
I guess that's what I'm saying. All right guys, we are to the end of our time Thank you for those of you who joined us live you guys ask good questions and very like on point questions today like spot on the topic don't forget resource in the description put yourself on the wait list for ambria.
I'm telling you. It's really cool I'm excited about myself. I literally talk to ambria, every day and she helps me So I know she's going to help you. I'll see you guys next week. We're on live every thursday at one. Bye everybody
