This Innovation Will Help More People Recover Than Ever Before
===
[00:00:00] Yes, there are a lot of practical and logistical and psychological barriers for getting into recovery. The first one that comes to mind is people have a hard time getting into recovery because they don't know that they need to.
We call that being in denial sometimes, and we talk about that a lot on this channel, but even beyond that. Even for people who know and they want to do something about it, there are still some very legitimate, very realistic, practical roadblocks for overcoming addiction beyond the fact that, it takes work and it's difficult.
There's just practical things in the way. Like for example, one of the first things that comes to my mind is when people. Hit this moment. I call it a moment of clarity. They hit a wall and it's this moment when they decide, I'm done with this. I'm sick of feeling this way. I don't ever wanna do this again.
I'm done. [00:01:00] And if you've struggled with any addiction in the past, or, if you've just struggled with a problem in the past and it's hard to get that one problem to go away, it just keeps coming back in your life. You've had this feeling or this moment of clarity, and you're really.
Sincere, you're really genuine and you really want to change. Maybe that happens on a Sunday. Maybe that happens at two o'clock in the morning. Maybe that happens on a Wednesday as you're driving to work or on a Thursday night as you're watching the ballgame. It doesn't always happen at the most convenient times, and when it happens, it's so important to take action because.
Unfortunately, these little moments of clarity, they don't last super long. If you don't take some action on them and start putting some things in place like pretty quickly, you're probably gonna miss your window. I would say most moments of clarity tend to last. Between hours to a few days
because if it, [00:02:00] especially if it's a pretty serious addiction, one of two things is gonna happen. If you make it a day or two and you don't engage in the addiction, then you're gonna think, I'm fine. I got this. And you're probably not fine but it, or if you don't make it a couple of days, then it's probably because you're so stuck in the addictive cycle or you're in withdrawal or something like that.
And before you know it, you're back off to the races before you can put something in place. It's not easy to get a lot of things lined up, especially if you start thinking about something like. Going into a treatment center, or even just making a new patient psychiatrist appointment or counseling appointment somewhere, you've gotta call during regular office hours.
You've gotta wait for them to call you back. You've gotta see if they have an opening and if they're accepting new patients, then you might can get in, in 2, 3, 4. Sometimes five or six weeks, what's gonna happen to your readiness and your big moment of clarity? By the [00:03:00] time we get there, you're probably not even gonna show up for that appointment because you missed your little window, right?
So you've got to take steps. When you're in that frame of mind, it's like a little fire is lit, a spark, and you need to put some oxygen on that spark to keep it. Going to keep that flame building to something bigger and bigger, you have to nurture that flame or it is going to die out like a fire in your backyard, right?
You gotta nurture that thing and it can be hard to put a lot of things in place in those moments sometimes you have these moments when you feel physically terrible or maybe when something really bad is happening and your life is falling apart. It's just not easy to do all the things you need to do to look for your insurance card and call the number on the back.
It's a lot of work to put these things in place, even for me who works in the field, who knows what's out there and has some idea about where to start and what I'm looking for. I still think it's a giant pain in the butt. It's difficult for [00:04:00] me to put something in place for somebody who's not already in a system.
So it's extremely difficult for somebody who's not all that familiar with it, doesn't have like contacts and stuff, you can imagine that's a huge wall to climb. All right, but let's say you, you climb that wall. The next barrier. Would be, how about how expensive it is?
It's expensive to get help. If you're going to inpatient treatment, it's gonna cost you a pretty penny. Now, sometimes insurance pays for it. Sometimes you just have to pay like your copay or your out-of-pocket. But if you're paying for inpatient treatment out of pocket, you're probably looking at for 30 days, you're probably looking at $30,000 and up.
And you may need even more than 30 days. And even if you just need 30 days inpatient, then you're gonna need to follow up with some intensive outpatient and counseling it's expensive, even if all you're paying for is just copays for going to appointments. And [00:05:00] that can be a huge barrier for people.
'cause guess what? A lot of the consequences for addiction are financial, so a lot of times the symptom of the problem could be financial distress. So if the addiction itself is causing serious financial distress and you need money and resources to get the help you need, as you can see, that's a pretty big barrier.
Another huge barrier is even just. Beyond just like getting in somewhere as a new person. Even just making appointments regularly. If you're working, if you're taking care of your children, maybe it's not appointments, maybe it's just. 12 step meetings, maybe you decide I'm just gonna go to 12 step meetings.
They're free, they're right here in my community. They're, easy to access, but you've got children to take care of. You've got a work schedule, you've got a school schedule, maybe you got a DUI and you don't have a driver's license right now, so it's hard for you to get transportation. These are just the [00:06:00] practical, logistical barriers that people face that are trying to get help and trying to get better.
Even when they want to, right? And that's imagining that we've already dealt with the denial and a person's ready. These are just the practical steps. If you're like a professional in the community, or hey, if you're just a private person, or maybe you're just a shy person and you don't wanna talk about all your business in front of everybody.
Did you know that most addiction treatment, the majority of addiction treatment is done in group settings. So even if it's just community support group, even if it's a group at your church, even if it's inpatient treatment. Almost all of it is done in a group setting. And tomorrow I'm gonna do a special I, we're gonna talk about group settings what's really good about 'em and what makes 'em not the best fit for everybody.
So we'll go into that specifically a little bit more tomorrow. But you could imagine that it's hard to talk about all your most private, [00:07:00] most uncomfortable personal business in front of a lot of people. A lot of people, even if they can get to meetings and get to group therapy and stuff like that, they don't wanna share because they, maybe they have some social anxiety, maybe they just don't wanna talk about it in front of everyone.
It's hard for some people to talk about it, even just one-to-one with like their own personal counselor. I promise you that because I see people every day for addiction one-on-one, and I promise you, none of them tell me the whole story. None of them. And I don't blame them. And I get it because sometimes it's embarrassing.
Sometimes you're just ashamed. Sometimes you just are afraid.
Even if I could be as nice as I can be, you just don't wanna tell it because saying it out loud. Just sucks. It's not even so much about what I'm gonna say or what I'm gonna think. It's about like literally saying the words out loud of the things that you're most shameful and uncomfortable about. You don't want to feel your own anxiety, shame, guilt, [00:08:00] nasty feelings bubble up just from talking about it.
Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't. I think that it is helpful to do that, even if it is uncomfortable, but that stops a lot of people from. Talking about the things that they need to talk about. So you can see there's a lot of barriers here. Even for things like I see this one a lot, even for people that are in coaching with me
maybe they're going to 12 step meetings and they want to get a sponsor. The whole idea of asking someone to be their sponsor for some people feels so. Intimidating. It's honestly, it's kinda like asking someone out on a date. It's really intimidating. It's oh, will you be my sponsor?
And I have heard stories where, it's uncomfortable enough to ask someone where they actually get turned down. Now, I always warn people about this because there's a lot of reasons why someone might say, Hey, I can't be, they're not usually mean about it. They usually say, I can't, but let me tell you somebody else.
But still, it takes up a lot of [00:09:00] courage. You have to work up a lot of courage to even ask. And so sometimes if people have too many sponsees, they won't take on someone. Sometimes if someone doesn't feel they have enough recovery time, they won't take on someone. Sometimes if someone feels like they have too much.
Stuff going on in their own life and they know they won't have time to dedicate to someone to really be, there for them. Like they need to, they won't take. So there's a lot of really good reasons why someone would say no. It's not quite like a date. Like they're thinking, Ooh, I don't wanna talk to you or whatever.
There are other reasons that are more practical, but. It's a lot to work up the courage to ask someone. And then you ask someone who wants to be your sponsor, and then you gotta call them and you gotta chase them down and you gotta say, Hey, will you work this day with me? And you gotta get in again to all your most personal, deepest, darkest secrets in that.
I have a lot of clients who really struggle with the whole sponsor thing because of that very thing. They've been gonna meetings, they've even identified some people they think might be a good sponsor, but the whole asking someone to be the sponsor can be.
It can be scary, [00:10:00] right? If you've ever had that experience, put the little hand emoji in the comments or in the chat. And that goes the same if you're a family member in recovery, right? Because family members, they go to meetings too, and the sponsorship game is just the same, right? And sometimes you just, you don't wanna ask.
Another reason why people resist talking to a sponsor or counselor or coach is because they don't wanna. Get themselves in a position where they feel pressured into taking some kind of step they don't wanna take, whether it's family recovery, personal recovery, it doesn't matter what the addiction is because in almost any situation with addiction, we all have some ambivalence and ambivalence, just fancy word for mixed feelings.
We feel this way and we feel this way, and we're not really sure what we wanna do about it yet. And we're. Reluctant to talking about it because we don't want someone to start pushing us towards something that we're not ready to [00:11:00] do. So as you can see, this is the tip of the iceberg of logistical, practical reasons why people don't get the help that they need.
And that's what I wanna talk to you about today, which is what I think is probably the newest tool in addiction recovery that is going to break through those barriers the fastest possible, and that is ai, artificial intelligence. If you've. Ever had any experience talking to chat, GTP about anything?
It's like right there on my sidebar, on my little laptop. It's just when I got the internet up I got chat GT P right there on the side. 'cause I'm going back and forth. In fact, I talk to AI these days a lot more than I'm on the internet.
I have multiple AI programs that I personally use every day in my life to help me figure stuff out. For me it feels like with ai, I can take what I could normally do at this fast of a pace, like [00:12:00] really slow. And I, with ai, I can put it on maximum overdrive. If I need to have a hard conversation with someone, I'll say.
Here's this hard conversation I need to have. Here are the points I wanna make. Here's the points I think they're gonna make. Tell 'em what I should say. It'll tell me what to say. Maybe I gotta write a letter for someone going to court.
And those of you that know may know me, I'm not fancy, I don't know fancy words. I can't spell, I don't know how to talk fancy talk. And I gotta write like a fancy professional looking letter for someone that I wanna look really good 'cause they're going to court and I'm like in their corner, I'll say.
Help me write this letter and make it sound good. And here's the points I want you to put in there. And it'll come out and I'll be like, dang, that sounds good. I feel all good about it because AI helped me. And you may be thinking I don't know which is, I don't use any of that, but you actually probably do.
You use AI in little small ways every day. You just don't even realize that you're using ai. When I was getting ready to make this video, I went on and I asked Amber ai, I said Amber ai, help me explain what AI is for someone who doesn't really understand ai. And [00:13:00] she gave me a really good answer.
In fact, I'll show it to you right here on the screen. I'll let Amber AI tell you herself the answer that question. 'cause she did it way better than I did it naturally. All right, I'm gonna put this up on my screen for you here. You can see right here. I ask Ambry, I can you explain AI to someone who doesn't really understand it?
Let's see what she has to say about it.
All right, so let's break this down in a way that's super simple and relatable. AI or artificial intelligence is basically like a really smart computer program that can learn and make decisions. Think of it like this. If a regular computer is like a calculator, it follows exact instructions to solve a problem.
AI is more like a really clever assistant. For example, when you use something like Google Maps, it's not just giving you directions. It's analyzing traffic patterns, figuring out the fastest route, and even adjusting if there's an accident ahead that's AI at work, or think about Netflix recommending shows you might like.
It's not magic. It's [00:14:00] AI learning your preferences based on what you've watched before. In the case of Amber ai, it's like having a recovery coach in your pocket. It's been trained on everything. So when you ask it a question, it's not just spitting out random advice, it's tailoring its response to your specific situation, just like I would if we were sitting down together.
It's personal, it's private, and it's always there when you need it. Does that help make it a little clearer? All right. What do you guys think? I think Amber, I did a better job of explaining it than I do, and one of the things, I just think it's funny 'cause Amber, I is trained on all my philosophies and strategies and I'm like, how's she better at it than me?
When you watch those sci-fi movies that are like everywhere these days, they're always like smarter, better, and faster, right?
That's not really the case with Amber AI or any of the AI that I know of. On the movies, a lot of people are really scared of it, but you've actually been using it for a long [00:15:00] time. I really like the example she gave about like Google Maps, because what AI does is like when you go to Google and you type in I want information about a certain plant. You want a plant in your yard to spring. It'll basically take those keywords and it'll pull up 10,000 articles or places on the internet where you can read about it, right? AI is a million times more powerful than that because AI's gonna say tell me what region you live in.
Are you really good at plants? Or You're not good at plants? Like it's gonna take in a lot of data and then help you come up with answers. And then not only that, but you can go back and forth with it. You could say I don't think so. 'cause I really wanted something that flowers or blooms, that's pink or whatever.
And it will narrow down, and it learns from you as you have this ongoing conversation. And that's what I love about AI is that it's there for you. It breaks these barriers. Some AI is free.
But even other ais it's [00:16:00] comparatively pennies on the dollar compared to what it would cost you to. Talk to someone professionally to get to treatment, to do intensive outpatient, and I'm not even saying that you shouldn't do those things. Maybe you're doing those things and you want AI in the mix as well, which I think is a great way to use it as a supplement.
I'm not saying you, you can just completely use it instead, but if you're one of these people who maybe you're. Wanting to take some steps or maybe just wanting some help to help a loved one, but you don't wanna pay a big consultation fee, or you don't wanna wait seven or 10 days for an appointment because you got an issue that happened right now and you need to deal with it like yesterday and you wanna know what to do.
This AI process is a perfect resource for you. When you have that moment of clarity, when you're ready and you decide to do something, you can access it immediately. You don't have to wait for the appointments. It's not a ton of money. You don't have to worry about. Being [00:17:00] judged or embarrassed because this is not a human being that's judging you.
That's one of the things I really like. I find that I tellis the ones that I use, things that I probably wouldn't ask in real life in person, because I might feel embarrassed to ask the question or I might feel awkward because I don't know some certain piece of information.
And so I find that I'm a lot more. Open with it and you have privacy because it's not like you're sharing in front of some big group of people. I just think that AI is the thing that's gonna break so many barriers and help people that want help and help them in the way that they want it tailored to their situation, which is why I created Amber AI now.
The difference in Amber AI and maybe chat GTP, is that she's trained on my philosophies. All of the videos I've ever made, all the content I've ever written, every blog post I've ever made, every online course, every downloadable, every workbook, every everything I've ever made is fed [00:18:00] into Amber ai.
And she uses that information to learn from. And then she takes all of that. She's interacting with the information you're giving her, and she's pulling in all the facts about your situation.
The personalities involved, the resources involved, the limitations involved, all of the things that you're dealing with, your emotions that are involved are taken into account to help. Come up with solutions for you. You can even use her to write out difficult conversations you need to have or text message or give you a list or help you think through resources.
I'm telling you, I've had a group of beta testers in there and they are using ai like the ones that are using it. They're in there using it like every day back and forth. They're talking to her and the conversations they have with her. Reach way beyond just recovery stuff, but it's pretty cool. They talk about relationships, they talk about work and everything because you just feel open.
And when you're talking to a person in real life or in a group you're [00:19:00] always worried like, am I monopolizing their time? Is it my turn to speak up in the group? And it's just this awkward, and then you talk and the other person talks at the same time, then you feel awkward and uncomfortable.
It's just, there's so many little things that you don't have to worry about when you're talking to any kind of ai, but especially with Ambria, she remembers the conversation you've had with her before. So just if you were talking to me and we got to know each other, you wouldn't have to start from scratch every time because I'm tracking the conversation here.
I'm on board. I remember what you've told me in the past, and I'm calculating all of that into our current and future conversations. That's what Amber AI does now. Just think about a situation or I was just thinking about a situation as I was preparing to make this video, I was thinking about a case that I had this was last year actually.
I had this case. This is not his name, but we're gonna call him Mark for. And Mark was a pharmacist in the [00:20:00] community where he lived, but he lived in one of these like really small communities where everybody knows everybody else. And it was like this family owned business and his like, dad has started the pharmacy and now he owns a pharmacy and his dad's retired, but he's the only pharmacist.
And he realized that he had trouble with alcohol and he wanted to get help, but he couldn't really go away to treatment because. If he didn't show up to work, the whole business didn't run. The whole business might go under, like there was some, for real legitimate reasons why Mark couldn't just.
Take off 30 days and go to treatment somewhere. But beyond that, he was even scared about going to an AA meeting because he felt like everyone in the community knew him. Am I gonna ruin my professional reputation? Am I gonna lose my like professional license if I go to these meetings and talk?
There was a lot of very legitimate fears about seeking help. In [00:21:00] fact, later this month I've got a video coming out about, it's specifically about, how healthcare workers face some additional challenges from getting help because of this whole like professional licensing thing. So keep your eye for that.
And so Mark was facing a lot of these challenges. Now, this was before AI was super popular, so it wasn't an option for him, but man, if it would've been, would that not have broke some of those walls down?
A big piece of recovery in my mind you guys hear me talk about all the time is connection. And I do think that having peer support, having a coach, having a counselor, having all these support is super important. And I don't think AI is ever gonna take that over and make it to where you don't need those things.
But what I do think it is that it's a solution to help you think through something. In the moment while it's happening where you don't feel judged, where you can go back and forth as long as you want to, like a great sounding board that understands you, [00:22:00] understands the concepts of addiction, of recovery, of relationships, of communication, to help you think through how to deal with everyday life obstacles.
How do I get started? What's the best way for me to stop drinking? That's probably what Mark would've asked if AI would've been around back then. We're gonna take some questions and some comments here in just a second. But I am gonna be coming on several times this week.
I'm always live on Thursdays and I'll be live on this Thursday at one, like I always am,
specific things that have to do with ai. Like I said, tomorrow we're gonna talk about group and privacy and just some of the reasons why group recovery isn't the best for everyone. I'm not against it. I love it. I've ran groups forever and ever, but I can definitely see why there's a lot of barriers.
First one is really hard to get people to go really hard. For lots of reasons and we'll talk about all that tomorrow. If you're interested in that, you wanna know more about that. I will be same time tomorrow night, which is eight Eastern 'cause I'm in the Eastern. So let's take some [00:23:00] questions, some comments.
I have put the link to learn more about Amber ai. Let's see here. Nicole says, and it's frustrating when rehabs aren't available or hospitals won't admit people because they're not drunk.
Oh my gosh, Nicole. I know. And when you go to rehab, if you're too drunk, lemme tell you this, 'cause I worked in rehab for a long time. If I worked in detox, if you're too intoxicated, like if your level's like scary, high rehab won't admit you because they're gonna send you to the er. Because they're like, dude, this person might die of alcohol poisoning or something like that.
So if you're too medically complicated rehab won't even accept you. But if you don't come in intoxicated and you haven't drank today, or maybe you decided to quit and you didn't drink yesterday and you didn't drink today, they'll be like, oh, you haven't drank two days. You probably don't even need rehab.
I've had a lot of people turned away for that reason. It's are you kidding me? The person finally decides they want help. They reach out, they call the insurance company. They do all the things. They [00:24:00] go through the assessment, and then they're like, oh, you're not bad enough to be here.
If somebody is talking to the rehab facility doing an intake assessment, they need to be there. People don't accidentally show up to try to get into rehab, who don't need to be there. Trust me, it's the last place they wanna be. They've done a lot of thinking about it.
They've tried a lot of other things, and if there was another option, they wouldn't be there. So I think it's ridiculous. All right, let's see what Marilyn has to say. Marilyn says. How should I get my alcoholic husband to do rehab?
He goes to AA meetings, but is still actively drinking. This is a really great question, and we teach these things in our invisible intervention course where it's like, how do I. Structure conversations in a way that leads people to where they wanna go.
So what I would say is, if your husband's in AA and he is still actively drinking, it could mean several scenarios. It could either mean that he has no intention to stop or slow down or quit. He's just going to get people off his [00:25:00] behind. That could be it, right? But that's not always it.
It could be that he is going to AA and he really wants to stop or fix the situation, but he can't stop drinking because maybe he needs medical detox or something like that. Maybe it is like a physical I can't do it kind of issue. Or it could be somewhere in between. It could be that he's in like a bargaining stage and he's yes, I know I've got a problem and I need to do something about it, but I don't wanna quit completely.
I just wanna slow down. Some people actually go to addiction treatment or AA or get help to learn how to rein it in to manage it. I'm gonna tell you a little secret that you probably already know, Marilyn, that doesn't work so good.
Overall, it's a good indicator that they're trying to get better. So what you wanna do, Marilyn, is you want to make sure that you positively reinforce any of the right steps that they're taking. Like for example, if you think your husband is still dreaming, because he, [00:26:00] in that bargaining stage. You're gonna wanna your instinct is gonna be to be like, look, that's not working.
Don't do that though, 'cause that won't work. What you wanna do is positively reinforce and you just wanna ask.
Questions and have conversations in such a way that will help your husband to figure it out faster. If you're talking tomb ai, you could say. How long has it been going on? What are the things they've tried? Why do you think the alcohol is still in play? What's the personalities like? Are there any outside consequences? These are all the different pieces of information that you could sort and get so much of a better answer, like from.
A session or a consultation or an ambria visit, but those are just my initial thoughts on why someone could be going and not making progress. If you think, Marilyn, that your husband is just going to the meetings just to check a box to get you or somebody else, maybe there's a legal charge or something off of his.
Case or something. Then what that means is that we've pushed someone to take a step before they're outta denial, before they realize they need to take a step. So we've put [00:27:00] the cart before the horse, and so if that's the case, Marilyn, then what we need to do is back up and not talk about going to rehab, not talk about going to AA and use the techniques that I teach as far as getting someone outta denial.
'cause that's probably the. Number one mistake that families make is they start pushing a person to get help before the person realizes that they have a problem or that they need help, and you end up paying for a lot of treatment, going to a lot of meetings, and it doesn't work because the person's it's ridiculous.
I don't even need this. Christopher says, shame is absolutely a bear. Couldn't agree more. Yeah, it definitely is. I'm telling you, Christopher, like I know that the people I see don't even tell me the whole story, you know how I know it.
Because their families usually see one of the family counselors and they'll always be like, do they tell you and I'll be like, no, they didn't tell me and so luckily I don't really need to know all the dirty down details of it to help someone. As long as a person's telling me I've got this problem and I'm getting the big pieces of the puzzle, I don't always need all the [00:28:00] teeny, tiny pieces of it because I know what kind of things happen in active addiction.
And it's just embarrassing to say, but talking to an ai, it really alleviates that you don't have to worry about it, which just takes one of those barriers away. Meta AI is my best friend. I'm telling you, if you haven't been using any of these little chat ai, you're missing out.
I'm not even just talking about for recovery, I'm just talking about in regular life. I'm a huge fan. Like I hardly even Google anything anymore. I'm like, what's the point? I don't wanna go through 500 articles to maybe eventually find the answer to what I'm looking for. It's skip that.
Let's talk to an ai. Let's get there a thousand times faster. Hey, Jade. Hey Sharon. Thank you for the sweet compliment, Daisy. This is your first live stream. I'm glad you made it. I decided to put it at night for a reason. 'cause I know I usually live stream during the day and I'm like, a lot of people work.
Can multiple people use Ambra at [00:29:00] some time? I'm glad you asked this, Jody. A bazillion people can use ambre at the same time.
In fact, that's the whole thing is that ambre I can be talking to as many people as want to be talking to her at the same time. 'cause you know what, sometimes we need a little advice and we need a little help at a time when it's not convenient. Like on a weekend or at two o'clock in the morning when the, what hits the fan?
So that's what I love about it. Always available. Just doesn't get tired. She doesn't need a break, she doesn't need caffeine. She's like me on steroids and lots of amphetamines or something. 'cause never gets tired. Can I put the link in the chat? Let me see. Let me see if I can grab that for you.
Katie, I'm excited about Ambre AI too. I'm glad you're excited with me, Leslie. This is your first live welcome, welcome. Donald says, my girlfriend is a people pleaser. That video was spot on. She says she's ashamed of her addiction. Is ashamed of the way I.
She [00:30:00] has been treating our relationship. It's probably nice to hear that your girlfriend has some insight and some humility and wants to get better, but yeah, it's uncomfortable. It's embarrassing even when you're talking to someone and you know they're not judging you, the thing of it is you're judging yourself is what it is.
And so it's just brings up all those uncomfortable emotions, which is what happens when you get honest with yourself and you start looking at the truth. It's, it makes you squirmy.
Paisley says, how do you get someone to stop drinking before passing out in the parking lot? The car is at the bar. I'm not a hundred percent sure Paisley. If you mean like how do I get someone to stop drinking before they're too drunk to drive home? If they're an alcoholic, I would say good luck to that. What you wanna focus on is more how do I get them to see this whole drinking thing is a problem and how do I get them to stop drinking?
Like completely not what probably won't work is how do I get someone to drink less or how do I get someone [00:31:00] to slow down? Or how do I get someone to make a better decision about driving once they're drunk? But once it's already in play, it's very difficult to stop once they're already at the bar.
So the question is how do I get them to knock? Go to the bar and there's a long answer to that, but it is right here on the YouTube channel. I would probably, listening to this, I would think that your person's in denial. So I would start with the playlist. How do I get someone outta denial? Or you can talk to Ambre and you can feed all of the details more than just the one sentence into there, and she can help you figure that out step by step.
Leslie says, so appreciative. My loved one knows about his issue, but has given up on quitting. I am learning your method of letting him learn it. It's so hard because I'm a manager. Detaching is super hard. It really is, Leslie, and it's been a hard lesson for me to learn, even as an addiction counselor, because I get invested in people too, ~and I really wanted people to figure it out faster too.~
~But. ~Luckily, I've done this so long that I have faith in the process. I know how it's gonna go, and it's like I've [00:32:00] driven down this scary road so many times that you do get a little bit more faith in it. And hopefully if you're trying some of these methods and you're getting even just a little bit of change talk and positive result, and the relationships get better, you start to believe in it more and it gets easier and easier.
You're still managing Leslie, you're just managing with more powerful tools indirectly works better.
All right. Let's see. Coltrane and Rain says, is it bad that I don't want my addicted loved one to get outta rehab? It's been five weeks. I'm just tired of endless circle. I don't think it's bad at all. I think that is quite common. And if you guys can relate to what she is saying here, raise your little hand in the chat.
'cause I promise you're not alone because it probably took you. A long months or years to get that person in rehab and it was probably wreaking havoc on your life the whole time. And this is probably the first time you've been able to sleep good at night and just [00:33:00] relax and let your fight or flight turn off and just freaking breathe.
We get you. We understand. They are gonna come back eventually, but I totally get where you're coming from. In fact, if you feel like you think you feel bad. Like a lot of people feel like that when their loved one gets arrested. So because it's finally I can sleep at night 'cause I know that they're safe because that's how bad and scary it gets.
No, I don't think that's bad at all. In fact, I think it's a normal reaction to want and need a break. Totally relatable. Christine, I'm glad you found my page too. I'm so glad you're here. The car is the bar. Hold on. That's what Paisley's trying to clarify for me here. The car is the bar.
How can you get someone to stop drinking before passing out in the parking lot? They don't go to the bar, they go to the car and drink. A lot of my people that have drinking problems, they all drink in the car, especially if their partner or spouse or whatever is on their case about drinking.
'cause they [00:34:00] move to the sneak drinking. And so what they're trying to do is get away with it. And a lot of times that's in the car. It's on the way home from work. It's let me stop in the neighborhood, up at the park, the pavilion, the pool or something like that. Then we have some drinks there.
So I normally only drive one street to get home. That's exactly what happens when people start sneak drinking. It becomes always drinking and driving. I know that is scary. I am not promoting that at all. One thing that you can do Paisley, is if the person is trying to sneak drink because they know you disapprove, then what you may have to do, and this still may not work, but what you may have to do is you may have to say, look, I know you're gonna drink just.
Just drink here. And so they're not hiding it. 'cause the hiding definitely leads to the car. But you gotta be prepared for then they're just gonna drink out in the open. And you may not want them to do that. You may need a different situation, but that's exactly what happens when people start sneak drinking.
Husband didn't want rehab or AA for privacy. Think I pushed him to work with a doctor one-on-one in marital counseling before he was ready in [00:35:00] finding your channel.
He's still actively drinking in denial. I saw right. Mc. You got, they're still alive. They're still in the game. You're here another day, right? I mess it up all the time. Sometimes I push people and luckily I get another chance at it. So it's all right.
You've got 'em in some counseling and some one-on-one, and you're watching the channel. You're learning techniques, and once you learn all these strategies he's done for, it's just a matter of time because now you got the superpower. So you got this.
Our addicted loved one has struggled with alcohol addiction for years. He's lost several jobs and a girlfriend because of it. He finally decided to join the Marine Corps in hopes of that helping the drink. He did 13 weeks of bootcamp successfully, and then he came home on a break and
all hell broke loose. Two inpatient treatments, finally separated from the Marines because of it. Yes, so this person, your person, I think it's your son maybe. Knew they had a substance abuse [00:36:00] problem and this is very similar to what I call or what not I call, but it's a common recovery term.
It's called the geographical cure. It's if I just get outta this town, outta the school away from these bad influences, a fresh start, I can nip this problem and I can get it under control and. As you could imagine, that doesn't really work. You cannot outrun your problems, whether it's drinking or any other problem that you have.
Now, sometimes I will say that, geographical cure can work if you do some other things along with it. If you're in recovery, you're gonna meetings, you're getting some help and you change your situation or location. The combination of the things can work,
is it gonna work? And definitely it's not gonna work to outrun it to the Marines. 'cause guess what the Marines love to do. They love to drink. And so I would imagine it would make it worse, but. The fact that they were trying to fix the problem that way. It's a bargain. It's what I call bargaining. I talk about bargainings all the time on this channel.
And so it's, even though it's not the right answer, the fact that they're looking for an answer I see as a [00:37:00] very positive step. And people are gonna try a lot of wrong answers before they find the right one. And that's okay. It means we're in the process. And it sounds like he tried that it didn't work, and then he went to treatment and he gained enough insight to separate from the Marines.
'cause he said, I can't do this and be in the Marines 'cause. It's a drinking party in there. Paisley says this is the drinking in the car. He's not sneak drinking. He thinks he's above the law and superhuman and can handle it. My guess is he probably does think he's superhuman and can handle it because he's been doing it so often. You get overconfident and you, and it just becomes your norm and you just like literally do it so regularly and everyone you know does it that you forget.
It's out of bounds. But my guess is it's not just that, that I think there's probably some sneaking because why wouldn't he just drink in the house? Maybe he's drinking in the house and he's drinking on the way home too. But if they're parking their car and drinking somewhere, I feel like there's a little bit of sneak in that I could be wrong.
But otherwise, why wouldn't you just drink in the house, in the air conditioning where it's more comfortable. Christine says sober nine days and [00:38:00] working full-time. I'm trying to be a cheerleader for him. That's fantastic. Good for you. Here's a really good question. Do I need to put relationship issues on hold, trust and unreliability while my loved one is working on his addiction?
I think that. The more that your loved one works on the addiction, the better the trust and the reliability issues are gonna get. My guess is the addiction is the root cause of them. Probably what you're really asking me is, should I put on hold bringing it up? And the answer to that is yes.
You should put on hold bringing it up. I would find other ways to address those issues because, and this just comes from years of seeing the person with the addiction, what they feel like is that their loved one in their family is never gonna get over it.
They're constantly bringing it up. And so even when you try to bring up the conversation, when they're doing really good, they can get defensive or avoidant. The best thing to do MKR is to ask for what you need instead of trying to bring up the topic. And what I mean by that is to say something along the [00:39:00] lines of, Hey, it really helps me when you let me know what time you're coming home.
It really helps me if X, Y, or Z. Just ask for what you need to help your trust and reliability heal, as opposed to wanting to bring up what's happened in the past or get 'em to talk about it. It works a lot better. Especially if they're really are trying, they do want to make it better. They just don't want to feel that heat of that shame boil up when you want to talk about it, but they do wanna fix it.
So talk about it in a proactive way, in a fixing way instead of let me bring up your mistakes way and that'll help you heal it faster.
ET phone home. He did finally go to rehab and is in there now, but I have no interest in going through any of it ever again. I will not go back jameson. It's sad, but sometimes it's just too little, too late
still hopeful for them in their recovery. That's why you're probably watching this channel. But you can be done for yourself personally, and I certainly understand. Here we go. Christine says, our 22-year-old son has been in treatment now [00:40:00] and now in sober living. He is now doing only three days per week and has more downtime. How long should he stay in sober living? What do the statistics show the longer the better. I like to think about having a baby in the belly.
The longer they're in the little oven to cook, the better. So as long as you can reasonably, the family can reasonably afforded, I don't know. If it's expensive for him to be there and he's willing to stay then that's great. And then what I think works best for young adults, especially Christine, is instead of getting outta sober living and coming back home, which I'm not a fan of, is to maybe find someone else who's in recovery as a roommate and kind of launch out into young adult life and hopefully still in the same community where they're in sober living because they already have like recovery supports and probably meetings and recovery friends and all that stuff established, and it's really hard to move to a different community and put all that stuff back in place.
Statistically, and just in my own [00:41:00] experience, I think it works best when they do move out to find someone else, a young adult in recovery, and stay connected to those recovery supports that they've built. Because keeping the momentum is so much easier than having to be the new kid at different meetings and get a new sponsor and a new counselor.
If you can keep going, what's working, then do that. Donald says, how can I be supportive and present in my loved one's life when their addiction is saying, leave me alone. This is a really good question, Donald, and to give you the best answer, I would need more information. Do they mean leave me alone about my addiction, or do they just mean leave me alone?
I don't want to talk to you, period. Because sometimes that's the case. If they're saying, don't talk to me, don't call me. Don't text me. Do not communicate with me, then you have to listen to that boundary. You always have to listen to a boundary. Someone sets with you and they say, stop reaching out to me.
That's probably not the case, it's I don't wanna talk about the addiction. They just don't wanna talk about that uncomfortable topic. That's my guess. That's usually the case. [00:42:00] And what you wanna do then is just create some trust and credibility, Donald 'em, where you're just able to have conversations with them about anything.
That, that are safe topics. And so what you're doing, like when I get new clients that I know are really nervous, I'll just talk to 'em about safe topics until there's enough comfortability, right? Until I've built some trust and credibility so if they won't talk to you about serious stuff back up and just give them to talk to you about anything.
Not responding to calls or text. There's not a lot you can do when they won't respond to calls or text if you want to. Every now and then you can send just a nice message and I would probably keep it light and just like maybe if you have an inside joke or Hey, I saw this funny meme and I thought of you, or you're not gonna believe what Aunt Rita said last week.
She said that thing, 'cause you have all these inside just trying to. Keep some kind, just you're just trying to let them know that the door is open and it doesn't have to be a heavy conversation. Now, some people will tell you to send a message every now and then. It [00:43:00] says, I love you and I'm praying for you, and I'm thinking for you.
And you can do that if you think your loved one will respond to that. A lot of people that will trigger their button because it's too direct. And so you, that's where I want you to think about your specific loved one, Donald and decide their personality, and what's the best, but I wouldn't do it very much because the harder you push, the harder they may clam up.
But if you're just saying, I just want them to know that this door's open and I love them, then. You can say it without being super, especially if it's, if your person is a guy, like maybe you just wanna say it without being super smushy. I deal mostly with guys and if you use humor and you're light, you can actually get them to talk about really hard stuff as long as they don't feel like you're trying to really press on those deep emotions.
