AI Edits from Alcohol Broke Us...Can We Fix It_
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[00:00:00] When one person in a relationship develops an alcohol problem, it's almost like alcohol becomes a third person in the relationship. At least the dynamic tends to fall out that way because what happens is as someone is developing an alcohol use disorder, they become increasingly attached to the alcohol and decreasingly attached.
~I dunno if I'm saying that right, ~to their. Partner. And as that shift is happening, obviously the partner can sense that is happening and naturally the partner to the one who has the drinking problem becomes more and more. Desperate, upset, angry, resentful, all the things ~about the, ~about what is happening.
And when that partner feels that way, they frequently deal with that feeling by~ chasing behaviors and ~chasing behaviors. Includes lots of things can include, spying can include nagging, [00:01:00] can include ultimatums. All the things where it's like the desperation of the one partner starts to try to fix the issue or try to get the other person to first see the issue.
And secondly, get help for the issue. But the more that cycle goes on, the more the dynamics of the relationship. Get out of balance. And it's so much so that even after a person gets sober sometimes there's so much damage in a relationship that the relationship ~d ~won't even go back together after the alcohol's out of the picture because there's so much hurt, there's so much destruction, resentment, guilt, shame on both sides.
That they can't even get out of the relational dynamic cycle even after the alcohol is out of the picture. And that happens for a lot of reasons. It's a domino effect. Because as a person becomes more attached to the alcohol and that partner is chasing [00:02:00] them frequently what happens is that they start to hide.
So the partner starts to chase and the other person starts to hide in various ways, like in the obvious ways. Like they had their alcohol, right? Like they had it. In the car all over the house. They hide it in different places, but other ways they hide it is, it's a little bit more subtle. Like for example, even if they're openly drinking in front of their partner, they're probably sneak drinking even more behind their partner's back.
And the partner knows that, but has trouble proving it. So then they get into this cycle of trying to prove that they know that. The other person is drinking or drinking more than they say or whatever, and then this cat and mouse situation just gets bigger and more complicated as we go and layer on top of that as if that's not enough complications.
~Layer on the top of that. And ~when this couple starts to have this friction, everyone else. That surrounds [00:03:00] the couple, whether that's family members, children, friends, ~it, ~they start to take sides. So it's like this war between the couple and then everybody starts to align with what side. They feel is right or whatever.
And so it, then, it's more than just the couple at each other. It's these whole teams of people that are in disagreement and we'll start to sabotage each other and start to do even vengeful, hurtful things to one another. And it's a very tough cycle to get outta, and you could imagine after years of that going on, what happens to the trust and the positive feelings.
It just erodes and erodes until sometimes there's nothing left. I've seen alcohol absolutely destroy relationships beyond repair. ~And I've seen alcohol take it to the brink and and are some people are able to make it back. ~And it usually happens at the moment where I think this is done, this is over.
This relationship cannot take anymore. ~It's interesting to me 'cause it feels like right when we get to that point, that's when things will sometimes start to turn around. ~And so [00:04:00] in this video I want to talk about. How to get that situation to turn around, how to get your relationship back on track after alcohol has come in and destroyed it.
How to get yourself out of this cat and mouse game because as you're playing that game, ~one of the part, ~one of the partners becomes more like a parent and that throws off the romantic dynamic between the couple because one partner is trying to. Control the situation or fix the situation. And not only that, but they're also ~trying to or having to more than trying to, ~having to pick up and take care of a lot of the responsibilities ~that, ~that the person with the alcohol problem is dropping, whether that's household responsibilities, paying bills, taking care of kids, just taking care of the relationship.
And so the power dynamic shifts and one person gets in this parentified role and this other. Person gets in this role. That's like the scapegoat role is like the bad kid role that now their mission [00:05:00] is to get away with whatever they're gonna get away with. ~And ~the sad thing about that whole situation is that the person that's struggling with the alcohol problem, they get so caught up in trying to get away with it that.
It blocks them from being able to see the problem and blocks 'em from being able to even make the decision to stop. Because a lot of times when I get people they've already realized they don't even like to drink anymore. It doesn't even work good for them anymore. They're sick of the cycle, but they're so caught in this defensiveness against their partner that it blocks their vision and it blocks their ability because ~it becomes, ~your pride gets in the way.
~And ~pride starts to get in the way on both sides. You start trying to prove these things about each other. You're trying to prove that one of you is an alcoholic. You try to prove that you know what's really going on. And then on the other side, you're trying to prove that your partner [00:06:00] is a controlling, nagging maniac.
And usually both sides are tricky. Usually both people are right to some degree. What you have to do to get out of this cycle, you have to get out of this blaming the person mindset and switch to a understanding it as an objective problem. Like sometimes it's helpful to blame the disease of alcoholism, ~if you wanna call it that.~
Blame the alcohol versus blame the person ~because. And the reason why, not only does this help to get out, but the reason why it's legitimate thing to do is ~because. It's so predictable. What happens to people when they develop an alcohol problem? I can tell you the behaviors that are going to happen, like 1, 2, 3, 4, A, B, C, D, without knowing the person, without knowing how old they are, their background their family history, how much money they have, their race, anything, because that's what alcoholism does to people.
It causes you to [00:07:00] think and behave in a certain very predictable way. And guess what else? When you have an alcoholic or addicted spouse, you start to also behave in a very predictable way. And so ~when, once you can realize that, ~once you can realize that the behaviors are a symptom of the alcohol problem on both sides, and you can separate that from how you view that other person. Now you have the beginnings of the ability to heal the trust, and it is a decision that you make. It's a conscious decision that you make to, let go of your right to revenge about whatever it is that you believe this person has done against you. If you want the relationship to survive, you have to be willing to.
Move [00:08:00] forward from all the hurt and the damage and it's easy to clinging onto that, especially, when you're moving forward in the relationship and, some new regular couples issue pops up and gets in the way. ~It's immediately we go back into those old roles and those old mindsets, even if alcohol's not in the picture.~
~This idea of. ~This power dynamic being off kilter, this lack of trust, this power struggle basically between the two people. Another piece of that dynamic is all too often the person with the substance abuse problem in this situation, alcohol, one of the things that they do is they develop this fantasy about.
Being a being single or free, or at least just being free of the, what they perceive as the controlling behavior of the other person. And they start to think, maybe I would be better off if I weren't in this relationship. Maybe I'm with the wrong person. It just isn't meant to be. ~Maybe. ~Life would be better, easier, or whatever without this person.
And that again is the addiction in your ear? Because [00:09:00] it's this other person that keeps any amount of gait on the addiction so that addiction wants to run off this other person. And that's why I say it becomes like this third person in the relationship because there is this fantasy of, man, if I could just get rid of this person over here.
And I could just run off and be this fantasy of me drinking like I wanna drink and no one interfering in my way. It's very similar to if the, if somebody was having an affair, right? It's this fantasy of how can I just. Make this person this issue, this dynamic, go away. And there's a lot of magical thinking involved in that.
Sometimes people tell themselves, if I weren't with that person and they weren't nagging me on all my case all the time, I probably wouldn't drink ~sometimes. That's the fantasy I. ~Sometimes the fantasy is more like if I didn't have the other person on my case and nagging me all the time, then I can just drink what like I wanna drink and everybody can leave me alone and everything will be fine.
Because the real problem is [00:10:00] this other person's reaction to the drinking. And so all of this magical thinking happens and when the family member starts to. Come at the person with a substance abuse problem with the, you need to pick and the ultimatums and the why do you love alcohol more than me?
They don't always say it. But they're pretty much always thinking it is that they do pick alcohol over you. And the reason is it's not just because they're so addicted to it. It's because of all the relational dynamics that have taken place, usually over the course of years to get to that point where.
They don't like you anymore. Just like you don't like them anymore. And so when you throw out the ultimatums and you throw out the, maybe you'd be better off if I left. ~Don't be surprised if you don't get, ~don't be surprised if they don't fight you about it. If they just let it happen.
Especially if you're dealing with somebody who's very [00:11:00] conflict avoidant. ~Then. ~A lot of times a conflict avoidant person has been having this fantasy, has been wanting to exit, but they don't wanna say it. And so they start to sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously, ~run sabotage, I can't think of the word, ~sabotage the relationship, hoping that you'll get mad enough and leave.
So that's another reason why those ultimatum, that draw, drawing the line in the sand thing doesn't work. At least it doesn't work if you, if the partner is still perceived as the bad guy because the other person just wants the bad guy to go away, essentially. Now, I had this moment last week where it dawned on me.
I'd had several clients. I, it was for one of my. Days where I see clients on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and because I see clients all just in two days I see a lot of them on those days and I realized all of a sudden that I had [00:12:00] talked to several clients, all, I think it was like last, it was like on a Tuesday or something, who.
Told me how great their spouse was. I didn't even know what to say. ~I didn't even know what to do. And so I'm like, I'm not, I'm so not even used to this. And ~they're telling me how guilty they feel for what they've put their partner through and how they don't wanna lose their partner ~and. ~They're so upset with themselves and they got to figure out this alcohol problem because they don't wanna lose their partner.
That is such a 180 degrees difference from what normally happens. It's like mind blowing on my end to hear and to see, and I know exactly what has happened when someone is telling me something like that. It means that the partner has figured out how to get themselves outta that bad guy role.
And when you get outta that bad guy role, the person starts to see things more clearly and their own natural regret, remorse, guilt, their own natural [00:13:00] sort of self-monitoring will kick in most of the time. And they'll start to see man, that. I have been treating this person badly. Now, ~it doesn't get, ~it doesn't happen immediately.
~It's not like day one when you get outta the bad add roll that happens. ~It happens over a course of time where it's like the person with the alcohol problem experiences these negative moments or consequences or whatever you want to, bottoms, whatever you wanna call them. And if the partner is not in the way or in that role or perceived role of playing the bad guy, then.
They have to like. Think about what they did. It reminds me of when you're young or something and your parent says, go to your room and think about what you did. It's like the worst, right? Whereas if the parent comes in and is just like yelling and screaming and threatening and putting out all these like punishments and all that kind of stuff.
All you're thinking at that point is how unfair. What a ridiculous rule this is how [00:14:00] you're uptight, how you don't understand me. You see the difference. It's like it allows the person to actually learn from their own. Mistake, right? And actually be able to own that mistake and then be able to make the decision to do something differently.
So I just wanna say you guys, they're out there watching right now, especially guys, you're watching live, you're watching the playback. You guys are getting it. And I can tell just by what I'm hearing on my end and I only, I'm seeing the tip of the iceberg of what you guys are doing.
I only have a few clients, so I don't see the massive shifts that I know are going on. And it's if I'm just getting this big of a sample size and in one day I had multiple people talking to me about their partners. With genuine regret and not blaming their partners. I just can't tell you how different that is [00:15:00] than what I normally hear and how the success rate shifts dramatically.
I. Because you know how people always say they have to want it? This is how you get someone to want it, is you stop trying to force it and you get yourself outta that bag, Adderall, and then all of a sudden they feel differently about it and they feel differently about you and you when you can both have empathy for the other person that.
Creates the foundation that will start the trust in the healing process. So being able to have empathy instead of only judgment towards the other person. It doesn't matter which side you're on of this equation, it is gonna help you see things through their lens, obviously, and it's gonna help you to take more accountability on your own end ~when you do that.~
So I hear it these [00:16:00] days when I'm talking to clients, like the clients that I have in our strength-based recovery. I can hear it in what they're telling me. I can tell that the partner got their own recovery going months and months before I talked to this person, usually. And they've laid the groundwork not only for their own relationship to heal and not only for this person to decide to get better but it's like you've.
Paved the way for this, the person with the alcohol problem sometimes to get better. So it's like when they come see me, it's like we get right down to business and it's so cool. Like we can get down to solving the problem versus complaining about the partner, which is where so many people get stuck. And I just wanna say I'm impressed with you guys.
Because I can tell that you're doing your homework and it's working on both sides and you're having empathy for each other. You're still mad at each other, you're still frustrated at some things that have happened, but you have some level of understanding about maybe why the person made the choice that they made or acted the way they did.
~And I'm not saying that. ~You should just put up [00:17:00] with anything or forgive anything. I have videos about that, about where the line in the sand is but if you want to get better, you're both gonna have to make a decision to have empathy and choose not to throw it in that other person's face, whether they deserve it or not.
It is a choice that you make, and it's not even a choice that you make one time. It's a choice that you're gonna make ~multiple, ~many times because it's so tempting. But as soon as you do that, I call that a relapse. As soon as you relapse back into your old relationship dynamic of behavior, whether the substance is there or not, when you start getting back into that cat and mouse power struggle thing, your relationship is in a relapse.
And when one person goes back to their own behavior, the other person goes back to their own behavior. Almost immediately because it's hardwired in at that point. ~It's ~it's like once you learn to ride a bike or something, it's oh, we're back in this deal. [00:18:00] And it's hard because you can see couples shift back into that all dynamic in a millisecond, right?
Because we talk about triggers for drinking and stuff, but we don't talk enough about triggers for the. For the person in the relational dynamic triggers of maybe somebody did something that reminded you of the old cycles you used to get in, and now all of a sudden you're falling back into your old behavioral patterns and it's just so freaking hard to get out of, and it's about resisting that urge.
To slide back into the old ways of handling things, whether that's resisting the urge to slide back into yelling, screaming, controlling, or resisting the urge to slide back into avoiding and shutting down and lying and secret keeping whatever your old pattern is, ~and it can fall into. A lot of different ways.~
Maybe your old pattern is to get mad and leave and go MIA for four days or to get mad and leave and go stay at your sister's for three days or [00:19:00] whatever it is. That is your old pattern. If you're gonna ha let the relationship heal, you've gotta make a commitment not to, just not going back to the substance, but not going back to treating each other in this power struggle kind of way.
~And. ~Forgiveness of what's happened in the past and even little lapses that could happen going forward, relationally, little lapses that happen if you under, if you understand this dynamic, you've been caught in this dynamic on either side and you're watching this video write the word me in the comment box or in the chat box so I know that I'm talking to the right people and that y'all are following what I'm saying.
~One of the ~one of the things that you can do to bring trust back. The quickest is to put some accountability in back into the relationship and the accountability in a way that takes it out of the spouse's role. So what you wanna do is you don't want the spouse to [00:20:00] be the one that's constantly having to monitor check control, because as long as the spouse is having to do that, you stay in this parent child dynamic.
And then there's resentment on both. Sides. And as long as that resentment lives, there's this passive aggressiveness or direct aggressiveness, one or the other coming towards each other because the one in the parentified role doesn't like being in the parentified role. They don't wanna be the cop role.
And the one in the other side, they don't like that either. They don't wanna be controlled, they don't wanna be treated like a child. And you cannot get back into a partnership ~when the. ~When the dynamic is like this one side or the other side, and so putting some other things in place, either some systems in place or something else in place to create that accountability.
~Somewhere outside of, ~let somebody else be the probation officer. ~I. ~In the early recovery, whether that's the person's counselor, coach, whatever, let someone else [00:21:00] be the accountability person, or in the situation when the addiction is alcohol. The thing that I like to use most, guess what I'm gonna say, some of you might know Sober Link.
It's my favorite tool for taking the accountability off of the spouse or partner's role. We try really hard to get the partners out of that probation officer role because it keeps you in the bad guy, role number one and number two, ~it. ~It just keeps you in this parent child dynamic and that's not healthy relationship.
You cannot be in a healthier ~relat. ~Relationship when you've got that kind of situation going on or there's not mutual respect for each other. In order for the partner though, to get out of that role, sometimes in order for them to let go of those reigns they need something that gives them some kind of reassurance, and that's one of the things that Soberlink does so well.
If you haven't heard me talk about Soberlink before, is basically I'm gonna show it to you here. I'm gonna show you one. It's an [00:22:00] alcohol monitoring device. Actually I shouldn't say just device because it's an alcohol monitoring system more than device. ~'cause you can get alcohol breathalyzer anywhere ranging in price from anything.~
This is what a soberlink looks like. It's about the size of your phone. Let's see. Yeah, so you're smaller than your phone, but it's wider. And the way it works is you and your accountability person, whoever that is for you, hopefully. Not your partner. Sometimes it does have to be the partner, but hopefully not.
You set up a schedule for when you want to be tested, and the goal of Soberlink isn't to catch someone being bad. The goal of Soberlink is to prevent. Relapse and more importantly, to rebuild trust with the parents. So some clients I have, they do soberlink purely because it helps them make the decision to not drink.
And some clients I have, they do soberlink because ~they're for their sake of their relationship because. Their relation, ~their partner needs that peace of mind to know that it's being handled. And that allows the partner to let go of all the snooping and the spying and the controlling kind of thing. So once you set [00:23:00] up this schedule for when the person's gonna be tested, they get a text message.
It just says, Hey, you have a test and I usually advise, put. You're making an agreement with the person of what the schedule's gonna be like. You're not trying to catch them, you're not trying to trick them or throw them off, like they know that they're gonna be tested at whatever time. And the recommendation and the research shows that three times a day is.
Is the optimal point. So when I use Soberlink with clients, I like to do it in the morning when they wake up right before bed, and then somewhere in the middle of the day that works for their schedule. And it can be different on different days. If a person works on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and they need a certain schedule on this day, but a different schedule on the weekends, or they sleep in on the weekends or whatever, all of that can be arranged and changed as needed.
If someone's gone on a work trip or vacation and the schedule needs to change, that's fine too. But they know they're gonna be tested at a certain time and then they take their test, which takes all of. One minute. [00:24:00] You can take this device wherever you have a whole hour window to do it. So if you're in the middle of a meeting, in the middle of a class, in a situation in the middle of a restaurant where you can't just take it right that second, as soon as you get the text, it's no big deal.
You wait for a optimal time within the hour, you excuse yourself. You go to the restroom, you take the test. No one ever knows it happens and it's over. And the thing that makes it a system is not only the schedule in place, but if the person misses it, if they're positive. They're late, then their accountability person gets a message and that just lets 'em know they missed the test or they're positive or whatever.
Now there are other systems out there ~that, ~that do alcohol monitoring, but Soberlink is the most tamperproof system that's out there because it ~has this facial recognition in it. That's part of the reason is ~has this facial recognition in it, ~and ~you can't. Cheat it. If you tried to have someone else take the test, it's gonna pick that up.
If you tried to get air into the device some other way, other than this way right here blowing into the device with your mouth, it's gonna pick that up. It's [00:25:00] gonna know it. And so it, all of that allows the partner to have this sense of peace of mind and relief. 'cause I know it's being handled ~and I, without this is the tool that I've seen get.~
Partners relationships outta that power struggle dynamic the quickest because it ~almost ~fixes the dynamic almost immediately. And ~it, because ~it allows both people to ~now ~move back into being independent. Adults who have freedoms can go to target by themselves. ~It's ~we can get outta this babysitting kind of situation and that allows.
Room and the space for the relationship to heal. So if you wanna know more about Soberlink, ~I'm gonna, ~I've put the link in the description of this video for you, and if you follow that link, you'll go to that site ~and I go, I'll end into soberlink all the behind scenes of how it works, ~and you can see how the scheduling works and all that kinda stuff.
And then also ~too ~if you use that link~ I think ~for people that come from this channel that use that link, you get 50% off, which is a lot. So use the link, go and figure out more about it. Even if you're not sure you're ready, at least just go learn what it [00:26:00] is, because I'm telling you, ~it, ~it helps people to get sober.
And I videos were talking about that, but it helps the trust come back super fast because it immediately allows someone to let go of it and because it's soberlink and you know it's tamperproof, you. You can rest easy, not worrying that the person's trying to trick it. Now, one of the things that I tell partners is anyways, whether they're on a sober link or not, like you don't have to chase addiction.
You don't have to spy it out. You don't have to know the second a person messes up, because if it is addiction, it will show itself. The unmanageability will surface relatively quickly. You don't have to chase it down. I tell people, just let go of it. ~Don't worry. You don't have to be constantly looking for it.~
It's gonna put itself right in front of your face in a way that you could never possibly miss it, I promise. 'cause that's what always happens, so you don't have to chase it. ~But even knowing that, I know some of you have a hard time letting that go. ~You have this. Illusion that [00:27:00] somehow catching it or, knowing the second it happens is protecting yourself somehow, which it really isn't.
That's why you really want to prevent it, not catch it. You're not trying to catch someone being bad because what are you gonna do at that point? Yeah, I mean at that point you gotta go into like damage control mode, but it's hard to put the lid back on the container once it's off. ~And so you wanna.~
Prevent the lid from coming off, not catch them with the lid off. So when you get in that kind of mindset, you're moving more into this teammate kind of role and it's together we're beating this issue instead of trying to beat the other person. It's just a bad place to be 'em. And I've seen couples get stuck in it for years and years, and it is misery for both people and everybody else that.
Loves them. It's just misery. And I highly suggest you get outta that pattern one way or the other. If you're in this alcohol relationship dynamic. In just a second, we're gonna take some [00:28:00] questions and some comments.
Isha says, are you for marriage counseling during alcoholism? Don't know how to get out of the bad guy. Roll. Have you ever seen it? Possible for a wife to do. Okay, so there's a few, there's a couple questions here, so I'll answer the first one first, which is about marriage counseling during alcoholism.
I can't say that it's never helpful, but I've seen it backfire in a lot of situations because. What ends up happening is either, like sometimes the person with the alcohol problem will say something like, look, if we're gonna go and that's all you're gonna talk about is the alcohol, then I'm not gonna go.
And so if you go ~and you talk about other things ~and you're not talking about the alcohol, then what's the point? ~Because now we're just chasing all the wrong leads. ~So that can happen. The other thing that happens is you go, and then you're talking about the alcohol all the time. And a person that has the alcohol issue feels they're in the principal's office basically, and that they're in trouble and they usually just stop going. ~So it's if it gets talked about it, it sometimes doesn't go well. ~If it doesn't get talked about, it definitely doesn't go well, and it doesn't really get anywhere anyways. And if you're in the [00:29:00] relationship and you're trying to solve all these relational issues without trying to solve the alcohol issue, you're just not gonna get anywhere.
It's just not. You, this is not gonna work for all the reasons why you might think so. Normally, if unless you're doing it maybe simultaneously as working the alcohol problem or something like that then it can be helpful. But just to try to fix the relationship without trying to fix the alcohol problem I think that's a waste of time.
~Now the sec, the other part of this question is, dunno how to get outta the bag. Adderall, have you ever seen it impossible for a wife to do. ~Yes, I have seen it be impossible for the spouse to do, and that can be for a couple reasons. One could be because there's so much hurt and trauma and water under the bridge that like the spouse just cannot stop engaging in the bad guy.
Behaviors like, because it's just. It's just too much. And then other times it's just because the person with the alcohol problem refuses to let the partner out of the bag guy roll. Even when they stop doing the bag guy things, they just refuse to see [00:30:00] that the person has changed. So yeah I've seen that happen for lots of reasons.
~Yes.~
And, aya says, I don't know if I'm saying that it's a new name. Hey, welcome to our channel. Welcome to Live. Asaya says, even after forgetting everything does a new thing to make me more mad, how do I deal with that? That's a good question, because what happens when they do a new thing? Is it.
It triggers up and it adds on to the past things. It's like you move on, but then something else happens, right? ~It's yeah, I can move on. ~But when they relapse, we're right back in. ~It, ~it's hard, but if you can contain it and keep the current thing just to the current thing, without attaching everything from the past, you'll be more in your logical state of mind and you're more likely to be able to communicate more effectively and work through it.
But it's a choice that you make. ~It is a, just ~it's a choice people make when they're in recovery to not go to the bar. It's a choice that you make to not go into what I call the pit. Go into your own head and start remembering all the bad [00:31:00] things and working yourself up. You have to choose, and it's tempting.
It's like a itch that you really wanna itch. It's a choice you make not to go down into that rabbit hole, not just the choice to not say the things but it starts with a choice for you not to let your yourself go into the thinking rabbit hole. Because if you go in there too far, you're gonna say it.
I don't care if you want to or not, because you're gonna be so worked up.
Debbie says, in the case where both people are alcoholic and one quits, what's their chances of making it? Sometimes one person quits before the other person and that can work out if one person quits and the other person never quits. I don't really know statistically what the chances of the people staying together are, but I can tell you that the relationship will be an unhappy one.
So I don't know whether they're gonna break up or not, but I can promise you unless both people start working on it, is it's gonna be unhappy whether they stay or they don't [00:32:00] stay. What's really funny, Debbie, about this situation is. Even when both people have had an alcohol problem and one gets out of it, guess what the person in recovery does?
They do all the same things. They do all the bad guy things, even though they know it didn't work when someone's doing it with them. It's just really interesting and that's why I say it's symptomatic. So being mad at your partner, whether the alcohol side or the partner side, I'm telling you it's, it is a symptom of the problem.
It happens. Yeah, always you get into that role, even when you're in recovery yourself. You'll find yourself in the spying and the controlling and doing all the things that you know in your heart doesn't work. What else we got, Brie. Emily says, my husband was in a cycle of being able to get sober throughout the week, but still getting very drunk every day of the weekend.
His tendency to save that take me a few days to recover from. I lost my cool [00:33:00] after last weekend and he's gone back to drinking every day of the week. Do you think that we'll be able to get back on track of making real progress fairly quickly or are we back to square one? ~I feel like we're friends again, but now.~
~I might be back in the bag Roll. Okay. That was a long one. I gotta process that for a second. Okay. ~Your partner has an alcohol problem and they had gotten into a item where they weren't drinking there in the week and they were only drinking on the weekends. And that, that a lot of times is a bargain.
So if you've heard me, Emily, talk about. Bargaining in any of my videos I talk about a lot, but it's an action step. It usually doesn't work, but it is an attempt to fix the problem. But you're right, you make a really good point, Emily, in that even if the person can keep it to the weekends, number one, it's gonna be a lot during the weekends and they're gonna be feeling crappy for Monday and Tuesday, probably.
And so it's like from the partner's point of view, it's you're out of commission Friday, Saturday. Sunday, Tuesday. Is [00:34:00] that really getting us in the relationship on track? Do I feel like I have a partner when it's really five days that you're outta commission? 'cause you're drunk three of the days and you're feeling terrible two of the days.
And so when you're in that stage of trying to convince yourself I'm not drinking during the week, I'm only drinking on the weekends, then you're probably not being a hundred percent honest with yourself. I can't tell you how many clients I've had. ~They, and they talk about this and it's ~you can hear the pain in their voice and they talk about the Sundays, what happens to people on Sundays where they're trying to pull it back together.
'cause they know they have to go to work on Mondays, it's like the worst day of the week. And they talk about how painful it is. The Sunday blues of trying to like, get over the hangover, not drink, get back on track. It's a terrible, awful feeling. It's bad. Do. I think you can get back to square one. If you feel like you're best friends again, then something in the relationship is still in play [00:35:00] and you might've lost your cool and you might've gotten into the bag roll, but I would do, if I were you, is I would just acknowledge that and say that.
Say, hey. I know ~that I, not ~that you were in the wrong, but more that maybe you handled it away. You wished you hadn't, that you lost your cool. The part about losing your cool, you can say, Hey, I did not communicate very and I. Really regret it. And I know that you really had made a lot of progress and you really had gotten it to where you weren't drinking during the week.
So own the part, you can still say the, your point of view about feeling but for you, it feels like it's five days and not three days or whatever, but the tone. So you're acknowledging that you didn't communicate your thought in a good way. And that helps because you're showing humility and vulnerability.
The other person shows is usually. Almost all the time, they start to show some humility and vulnerability too, and then they'll be able to see your point of view. So yeah, you can get back out of that fairly quickly if you follow those steps, it's probably [00:36:00] the quickest way back out.
I, Dale says, can I, can marriage counseling be a tool to get a loved one to address the addiction or help get out of the denial stage? I am sure it can be Dale, but it's that the question that we had earlier about is it helpful? A lot of times it just makes a person more defensive because now they're getting in trouble and they're getting in trouble in front of someone else, and so that never feels good. ~I guess it could be helpful.~
I've seen it be not helpful more times than I've seen it be helpful. I guess that's my answer. ~So I'm, ~if you had the right person, counselor, it might could be, ~but. ~But usually it works better in other ways. In our office, ~we like to do, ~we like to deal with families, but we like to give each person their own counselor ~so that, or their own coach, ~so that they have the privacy to say what they wanna say without worried they're gonna upset or hurt the other person.
But then the two coaches work together to help the couple and the relationship move back into a together place. But a lot of times there's so many hurt [00:37:00] feelings and resentments and stuff like that, that it's just either the two people get in the same room and no one says it because they don't wanna get in, fight in front of the counselor, or they do say it and they get in a big fight in front of the counselor and then they leave feeling madder than they were when they came.
And then they're like, why are we doing this? Why are we paying this money? So be careful with it, is what I'm saying. ~Bureaus. That's a new name too. Hey, welcome to our live. I don't think I've seen that profile name before. It says, ~how many chances can you give to allow for change, broken promises, hope shattered, rather than getting out to save yourself and your children?
That's a really great question, and I don't have a number for you. But I'll tell you that, when you get there. The suggestion I do have for you is not to set a number on it especially to the other person. Don't say if you drink one more time, that's it. I'm over. Because you end up backing yourself into corner.
I got videos where I talk about that. I also have a video that is called Window Walk Away and that's the video that you need to watch. 'Cause it talks about when these four things are happening and they're not getting better, [00:38:00] it's probably a time to. To consider doing something else. So check that video out.
But it's not a number of like relapses. It's the, it's four specific situations that you need to back away from. Check that video out. I think it'll help you.
DEP says, I just started reading Beyond Addiction. Which is, for those of you who don't know, it's the book that's about the craft method. He is in counseling and making progress. He's not sober yet, but working on it. PTL. Any tips? What does PTL stand for? ~Brie, I'm not cool. Pretty what? I dunno. ~Okay. I don't even know any tips on how I can regulate my energy and response when he drinks?
I love, this is a really good question and the reason I love this so much is 'cause you're saying how, oh, praise the Lord. I didn't know that. Thank you very the reason I like that question so much is because you're saying, how do I regulate my energy? Which is even better than, how do I even respond to this person?
Because you're recognizing what your own triggers and what's [00:39:00] happening to you emotionally. One thing is to not go into the rabbit hole, into the catastrophe, thinking the best that you can, the more you let yourself go into that. Spiral of negative thinking, the worse your energy's gonna get and the harder it is to come out of the pit.
The other thing you can do is when someone's in the bargaining stage, which it sounds like maybe your person is, 'cause you're saying they're still drinking, but they're working on it. You want the mess ups to happen because it's, when they figure out that the bargains aren't gonna work, that's what gets 'em to the point that they wanna stop completely.
Actually when they, say, okay, I'm just gonna only drink four beers and I'm not gonna drink more than that, and they end up drinking six or a 10 and they act a fool or something. In your mind, you should be thinking yes, because now we're getting there. What you really want is you really want it to happen quickly, and once you have that mindset shift, your whole energy will shift about it.
'cause [00:40:00] you'll see it as progress and not backwards movement. . As always, there are lots of resources and description.
The stuff about sober links in there. I'm telling you guys, if there's one thing to put relationships back together it's literally this. If it was marriage counseling or this people, if it was counseling or this, it's this. I'm telling you, I'm serious. That's my recommendation.
~Check it out. ~All right everybody. I'll see you next week. We are always live every Thursday if you're watching the playback, and we would love for you to join us and be in the chat. See you guys soon. Bye everybody.
