AI Edits from How to Go From Guilt and Fear to Facilitating Change
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[00:00:00] In today's video, we are going to look at how our actions with our loved ones are typically filled by our own needs, and then we're gonna evaluate whether these needs are actually getting met and or are they contributing to the overall problem being fixed. We're often guilty of propping up our loved ones.
And this is out of fear and this is an out of anxiety. We do this in the following ways and I'm gonna read 'cause I have a lot to say today and I don't wanna leave anything out. But the ways that we do this propping are many, but they include providing housing, fixing problems, helping avoid problems, smoothing over problems, lying, covering for them.
Smoothing the way, acting like it's all okay and just ignoring the problem in general. Giving them money to make their lives possible, letting them work for us. And we see this a lot with, spouses working together and the one that's addicted is really dragging down, but the other one does all the work or parents who [00:01:00] have a kid working for them and who's not showing up or doing anything.
But we keep hiring them or keep letting them work and then letting them live with us despite not working or contributing. What this actually does to us, you guys, is it actually propagates anxiety because we worry that they won't change. We worry that this isn't enough. We worry about what we're doing and what outcome it's gonna have.
It gives us a very false sense of control, responsibility and safety. And then that makes us more anxious. 'cause now we're responsible for this other person's life. It builds resentment long term. It builds resentment, causes family issues. ~Other children don't like it when we're doing that. Spouses don't, just don't agree causes family issues for us.~
It makes us angry and taken advantage of and it uses so much of our emotional energy and time that is just begins we, we lose ourselves. And that's what we wanna look at today is re reclaiming ourselves because addiction is like lava. And it will just take and take. It'll take our loved one, it'll take our time, our money, our emotional resources, it'll take our lives.[00:02:00]
If we give it to it, it'll take our marriage. So I really wanna look at what we're doing and what the. ROI on that is, if you will. 'Cause ultimately what I prefer is to allow some unmanageability. It's very hard to do. I totally get that. More for some people than others. If you're very socially subtype, you're gonna really struggle with that.
If you're very self pre, you're not gonna struggle with it as much, but it's still very hard to do because we think it's really helping our anxiety and our situation to do it. But in the end, it's not. The first step to that is decide what we are the most sick and tired of doing. Most tired of and start there.
Just pick one thing and stop doing that one thing. As you master that, you'll get more and more skilled at it and you can go in and let some other end manageability happen if you need to. You've got to be able to evaluate your needs and the cost of doing business with addiction. ~And that's a phrase I don't ever think I've said before or heard before, but as I was thinking about this last night, I'm like.~
That's exactly what this is. The [00:03:00] emotional cost. The financial cost of doing business with addiction will take your job. It'll take everything. So you have to decide how much are you willing to give it or how much are you willing to let it take? You have to evaluate what it is, what is it that I need, and what am I doing to get that need met, and is it actually working?
If I'm terrified that my child will, deal drugs. So I'm going to give him money for drugs. We are not solving addiction, we are not getting anybody to see that this is not a good thing. But we are just frustrating ourselves. We are building resentment and we are enabling the disease. So our need to avoid is costing us.
So that's where I'm going with this today. Figure out if there's something you can do and see what else you can stop doing after that. You have to know that until we are sick and tired of being sick and tired and really mean it, addiction will thrive. When we stop and we change our, the way we're interacting with addiction, it [00:04:00] might stop the addiction.
There's zero guarantee on this, but until we do, there's no possibility. So I think that's the biggest thing to do, is recognize that. As long as I'm letting this, creating this manageability and building this life and taking care of the problems and funding it or whatever I'm doing, there's zero chance that my child is gonna have an epi, or my spouse is gonna have an epiphany and say, you know what?
~This isn't very wise. I should stop this. They're not. So ~sometimes you have to, I say this a lot, you have to go into this, I love this person so much that I'm gonna tolerate what I'm getting ready to create. In the hopes that this may lead to some level of sobriety. Otherwise, if I can't tolerate creating or allowing unmanageability, then I'm just feeding it.
And I think that's a really big thing to get your head around. But it is key to moving out of this phase. It'll take us. It'll take our kid, it'll take our other children. It'll take our marriage. So think about that. There are, and when we over love like [00:05:00] that, which is what I call over parenting, over loving is.
If you think about it from a chemical standpoint, when we over parent or over love, the other person's narrative is, I'm only functioning, or This is only happening because they're making it happen. And that is erosive of serotonin. And you guys know serotonin is one of the keys. To overcoming addiction.
If you don't have enough serotonin in your brain, which is a long-term pleasure chemical for pride, and if you're living at home alone, you're not doing a good job at work, but you're still getting paid. If you're taking money, if you're doing all the things we talked about at the very beginning, you don't have any pride.
~And so that guarantees. ~Chemically that addiction lives. Because if the brain doesn't have enough of those long-term pleasure chemicals below the line, it will keep going above the line. To get the dopamine that comes with drugs and alcohol, it has to, because our brain has to have these chemicals. So we don't have the good kind, which addiction makes sure we don't have, then we [00:06:00] will go get it.
So again, it's the, we're feeding the disease by. By allowing these, some of these things and not creating some unmanageability, it feels counterintuitive. I totally get it, but it is the way to, to try to shift the boat. If we don't, we're not gonna shift it at all. So the benefits to us by allowing unmanageability or creating it, whichever is the situation creating would be you can no longer live here.
~That's creating unmanageability, allowing it is to lie for their boss or. ~Had a client the other day that said a really good phrase. She said, I feel like I'm constantly putting a satin pillow in front of him so that nothing, he doesn't get hurt and nothing matters. And she didn't mean literally, but she meant like emotionally and by lying to his boss, things like that.
~She satin pillow in it. So ~other ways to create would be, not give them any more money. Allowing would be you don't go fix the problem at school. You don't all allow, you don't lie to the boss, you don't seek the boss out, you don't initiate a call. But if he says, why is he not at work? You don't say, oh, he has the flu.
You say he doesn't feel well. You'll have to talk to him about that. And again, like [00:07:00] that's allowing and there is a difference that it the same result, but sometimes it's easier. To start with allowing it versus creating it. But you, I promise you, if you do this, you will see some results, you'll see some shifting and it will feel better to you ~and you'll do more and more of it.~
I think the first thing I did was stop going to the school to meet with how to get him to do his work. I was like, I'm just gonna let that happen. I'm just know 'cause it's costing me emotional. It's costing me distress and it's costing me time for my job. So the other benefits that we can get from this are, it changes our relationship with addiction in general, which really does help us get back into that learning and planning phase.
We can look at addiction differently rather than that reeling phase, which is this incredibly fear-based and anxiety provoked, and it's just like we're just like this hamster on the wheel. This will change it back up into a more cognitive function, which is very helpful. It will decrease [00:08:00] fighting.
~Because you're not micromanaging. You need to get up and go to work. Don't you have a meeting? It's time to go to school. I've it. I've calling the lawyer like it is, it's gonna decrease all that. ~Most importantly though, is this flattens our emotional rollercoaster. And let's be real, you guys all know this.
You're on this call, you're living on an emotional rollercoaster, these huge highs and these huge lows. And there's this, oh, maybe he's done. Nope, he's not. Maybe this time it'll be the, no, he's not anything we can do to flatten that out is the secret for us. Less pain, less anxiety, less fear. And the whole point of allowing unmanageability is that it does flatten your rollercoaster.
It doesn't feel like it's going to, I understand that. You're like, no, I'll be so stressed out about where is he or what's he gonna do? You will be less stressed out than if it's in your home constantly. And the lying and the, all the things that go on with addiction are happening. Over and over and over, right there in your face.
It will flatten it out. It's not gonna, it's not gonna flatten it, but it's gonna flatten it out, okay? You're never gonna live with addiction, without some level of distress. Whether that's [00:09:00] sadness or fear, or anxiety, or anger. ~I talked to a woman today whose husband is a severe alcoholic and she's doing it all.~
Like so many of you guys are, rearing the children, working, covering for him at work. Going to school herself, like doing it all. And she just said, I'm just livid all the time. And that's just not a way to live. That's a bad emotional rollercoaster, especially for this woman. Like she's trying to take care of three little kids not being angry and it's really she's I've just done, at the end of the day, like I have to go to bed at seven because I'm so tired.
I think this is a really big topic. I think it warrants a lot of thought and are your, are, is what you're doing helping the situation or you, or is it just helping the addiction? I think that's your big decision making thing. Is it helping the addiction or is it helping me? If you decide to allow some unmanageability or create it, trust it.
Okay. Believe in it. Don't second guess yourself. And don't let them talk you out of it by saying I'll [00:10:00] go to detox or, and then calling that treatment. Okay, detox is not treatment. Or by promising to change. Don't do that. I'll change, like this will be the last day. Don't kick me out.
Just go with it. Trust it. 'cause otherwise you're gonna capitulate. And then we're back to square zero. We read this book, ~I don't know the name of it, ~years ago for the business. And it was talking about when you're changing and change is difficult. Big change is hard. I understand that. But this book used the metaphor of a, if you're in a sailboat, ~I don't know any of the sailboat words, ~but if you're in a sailboat and you're gonna turn, you have to tack or do something.
But what happens is the boat gets very close to the water. And then, and what happens with a lot of inexperienced sailors is as they getting in close to the water, they're thinking, oh, holy moly, I'm gonna be soaking wet, or we're gonna go over, and so they pull on the lines or whatever they do.
~To stop that, and then the boat just goes right back to where it was going. So we didn't make any change. ~The book was talking about, and we've learned this in this business, like there have been many times where we're like, oh, we gotta change course, but not Amber. She sticks with it and [00:11:00] she's sailboat.
Sailboat. So you may feel like, oh, this is going bad. This is not a good idea. This is a hold. You will see some change and then your boat will write. Then you'll go in a different direction. So remember that this is not going to be easy. This is not gonna be comfortable. No one's gonna like it, but at the end of the day, you'll feel better.
We have a fighting chance with addiction. You will have much more emotional energy left for yourself and other things in life that are important. ~All right, so I put a link in for the membership where we talk about this, if that's interesting. Or make a appointment with one of us or if you want our course Beyond Boundaries.~
~I also put a link in it. I was interviewed on a podcast that got dropped last weekend, so I haven't watched it yet 'cause I just haven't had time. But I thought it might be fun. So I'll put the link in. ~Okay. Let's see if we have any questions, and feel free to ask questions about this topic or something else.
All right. This is from Carl. My wife moved out five months ago and went no contact. I found it a month ago. She relapsed. She's just contacted me and wants to take it slowly with weekly 15 minute phone calls. Carl, do you want to do that would be my first question. He wants to know any advice? I also would like to know what she's [00:12:00] done about her addiction since the relapse and what her goal is in.
Okay. Yes. Is the answer. What her goal is in these 15 minute phone calls. If you do wanna do it, which you're answering, yes, then I think it's a great way to start. If they go south or they don't productive, then you can put 'em on pause or they could go well, and you could grow them. But I would wanna know what her goal is in that.
Is she trying to talk you into giving or something, letting her come back home, funding something, or is she humble and willing and just trying to do the right thing and stay in contact with you?
This is for Aisha. How do I know he relapsed or not? After six months? After 90 day rehab? He doesn't drug test and he has money and he can hide it very well. ~Oh yeah. That's an addiction for you. ~Typically you'll know if you really watch the behaviors. Are you seeing lying? Are you seeing unreliability?
Are you [00:13:00] seeing victim thinking? Are you having little fight picks of those behaviors? Are isolating no longer interested in things that we're interested in? No longer wanna sit down and watch a movie with you. A change in pattern would be, my fundamentally overall answer. But those four things I looked at, like unreliability, lying, isolation, those are signs of addiction.
You don't really need to drug test. You just need to watch for those signs.
Okay, Carl? ~She has not mentioned drinking to me yet other than she is doing it. She wants to feel that she can make it on her own. She was unemployed for two years. ~If, again, if the con, if the phone calls are, if they're, if she's sober and they're productive or enjoyable, then do them. If she's calling you 'cause she's drunk or she's trying to.
And prove to you that she's making it on her own, like then I don't know that they're gonna be good for you. I think you're just gonna have to decide, how do I feel about these calls? And then decide whether to continue them or not continue them. I would at least have one, unless you're just furious with her and you're like, no, I don't want to.
But I would try one and see how it feels to you. I'm a big believer of give [00:14:00] things a whirl. Feels good. Is fun, enjoyable, or beneficial? Do it again. If it's not, don't. I don't believe in acquired taste.
~Is that the last one? Oh, we'll give 'em a minute.~
~Wow. Okay. All right. ~So remember, is what I'm doing helping me? Or actually feeding addiction. And that's, it takes a lot of practice to look at that, but it is a huge thing to do and will help the situation overall if you can get a handle on that and change. ~Alright guys we'll see you next week. Thanks.~
~Bye-bye. ~Oh, Dale, wait. I'm staying. Dale said, I feel my wife is just pretending to recover to keep me in the house. ~Online apps. ~What does that mean? I do think there's a lot of pretending in addiction. There's a lot of promises. There's a lot of what I call box checking. There's a lot of.
~Kicking the can down the road. ~Like I'll show you this nice little piece of me. I've got a decline I was talking to last week, and her husband is on, she's on the edge of leaving him, and now he's love bombing her, but he's still drinking. So they will change their behavior when they think you're [00:15:00] about to get done.
So I don't just look, is this placating, is this action or is this words, I wouldn't respond to it per se. Like I wouldn't accuse her of just pretending. I would just know it and decide how do you want to handle it? Do you wanna continue with what, why? I guess I don't even know why. I guess she's trying to keep you from leaving, but if you think she's just placating pretending, like then just leave.
And if she isn't, then you won't feel like that. This would be my guess. Bear in mind that they do lie. Words do not mean anything in addiction. Promises mean nothing. In addiction, you're looking for actions and you're looking for behavioral changes like what we just talked about, like for positive patterns, for interaction, for humility, for willingness for joy, for being, living life without alcohol and having fun.
~So he says, so bringing up her drinking might be something I can do down the road because I would require her to be sober before she moves back in. Okay, good. Yeah. ~So I would be thinking like, how will that look? Will it be a sober link? Would it be [00:16:00] alcohol testing? And then you can, as you're getting there, you can put those out in the conversations of this is what it's gonna require for me to let you come back in.
Is. Not the lick in the promise of, I'm not drinking, but my actual knowledge that you're not drinking, and get a feel for how does she respond to that? Is there a lot of pushback? Then, she's not ready to come back. If there's a lot of, or even a little bit of a that's not something I wanna do, but okay.
~That's a positive response. ~And then do they actually do it? Do they sign up for it? Do they motivate it? Do they turn it on, get it going again, you want her, have it have been on the soberlink, if that's the condition you're gonna put out before she comes home. Not I'm gonna do it after I get home.
All right? That's important. What are some other ways to address the dopamine need? Normally we get dopamine from anything that comes with desire. So typically for all humans, it's food liquid when we're thirsty. For me it's when someone says, let's order a pizza. 'cause I really love pizza. My husband doesn't eat it.
~It's our new shoes. ~Dress a [00:17:00] movie visit with a. Friend painting, it's whatever your brain wants to do is how you're gonna get dopamine. Like you, you can get dopamine from a million things like some people get it from gardening. I do not. Some people get it from driving, some people get it from music, like you can get it.
But the secret to, in my opinion, for recovery, is to start to bring these things in as you are. Not drinking. 'cause otherwise you don't have a source for dopamine and your brain's gonna go right back to the drinking. So I have a client now that we're like, before he was really working on sobriety. I'm like.
Let's sign up for a woodworking class. Let's get some of the things that you like to do going so that as you give it up, you've got a source for it. And then it takes a minute for your brain to recognize that source is actually a good source. 'cause it's really been trained that the only thing is drugs or alcohol.
So anything that brings desired to us is what delivers dopamine. The problem [00:18:00] is with addiction is they have, I'm making these numbers up. ~They have. ~A thousand dopamine receptors in their brain when normally we should only have 10. And so a cheeseburger, a new dress, a visit from your friend is gonna fill those 10, right?
But it's not gonna fill a thousand. And so that's the problem with addiction. That's that term pleasure pathway gets hijacked, is that there's just too many dopamine receptors in the brain to be filled by. Sober life. And so that's why it takes time for those receptors to go to sleep. For the brain to get better and better starts at 30 to 45 days after not using anything at all, the brain will start to put some of those receptors to sleep.
After two weeks of not using the brain will start making dopamine again. 'cause during active addiction, it's like we had a math problem going on in this brain. We do not need any more dopamine to slow this roll because we got, we already have way too much coming in. ~So you have that two week window where they're pretty you.~
They don't feel well physically or emotionally 'cause they don't have much dopamine in their brain. That kicks in at two weeks and [00:19:00] 30 to 45 days. Their brain starts to put those receptors toge to sleep. And so that's when you see, like at 60 days, they start to say, I actually feel much better because my brain's making a normal amount of dopamine and I'm shrinking those receptors pretty exponentially quickly at the beginning.
And so I feel less revy. Jumpy, irritable because I'm getting enough of them filled that I can function. ~A good question. ~Leslie seems like spending money is one of the ways he's replacing the alcohol. The bigger the ticket item, the more Yes. So shopping is an addiction and it brings you dopamine just exactly like alcohol does.
All addictions come from dopamine or endorphins. Those addictions would be self-harming and anorexia. The rest of them all good dopamine. So that would be my guess is he just trying to fill those dopamine receptors in a more socially acceptable way, or even a way that you wouldn't squawk about as much.
It's super common with addiction for them to [00:20:00] swap one thing for the other. Because of that, it's just the brain. It's just the brain.
~You're welcome. All right guys. Thanks for the extra questions at the end and I think it'll be me again next week. The other two are out next week, but maybe not, maybe someone will join me. But anyway, have a great week and I'll see you next week. All right, bye-bye.~
