AI Edits from When to Cut Ties with an Addict_Alcoholic (1)
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[00:00:00] When you love someone with an addiction, there is this ever-present question hanging in the air, the question about how much longer you should stay and keep trying. It doesn't matter if it's your partner, your parent, your son, or your sister. If you have an addicted loved one, you've been battling over this, and you may come back to it every day or maybe even more than once a day.
It seems like this question hovers in the background of pretty much everything. I know it's easy for other people to tell you, "Just cut ties." They love you. They don't wanna see you get hurt. They just want it to stop. You might have even stopped telling other people what's going on because you don't wanna feel like that you're being judged if you don't leave.
The problem is, it's really a hard thing to understand unless you've actually been through it because these kinds of relational dynamics are super complicated. [00:01:00] Now, most of you, if you've been following my content for a while, you know that I am a big advocate for families to help their addicted loved one.
I feel like I am constantly encouraging you to be more empathetic and be patient. But I also know from first-hand experience that letting go is sometimes the right call and ~it's what you need to do about, or ~it's what you need to do. I have a sister ~that I don't talk about a lot, I don't talk about the situation a lot, ~who struggles with a, with addiction, and it took me years and years to get to the point where I was ready to cut ties.
It was a struggle for a long time. I stayed stuck in the cycles, the ups and down emotions. I was helping her financially more than I wanted to. There were kids involved, which really complicated things. But eventually there, there was a final straw that made me decide that this isn't working anymore.
It wasn't helping her, it wasn't helping my nieces and nephews, and [00:02:00] it certainly wasn't helping me. In fact, part of the decision came from the fact that I realized that my staying in that situation with this person was hurting my own family, like my husband because it was taking away from what we have in order to do that.
I know it's a hard decision, but sometimes it's what you need to do for yourself. Now, I can't tell you an exact line, if this happens, then leave, because that's not possible. Nobody can do that for you. But I can give you a framework. I'm gonna give you 10 questions to ask yourself, and these 10 questions are gonna help you get clarity on where you're at with this situation.
And you can come back to these questions any time because your situation changes and the answers to these might change. But before we get into what those 10 questions are, I want you [00:03:00] to keep something in mind as we go through that list. Because pretty much everything in the list happens in almost all relationships with an addictive person, so it's not like a yes or no kind of checklist.
As you listen to each one of these questions, I want you to also think about not just is this happening, but what is the frequency of which it's happening? Does it happen sometimes or is it like the default? And what is the trajectory of these things? Is it back and forth? Does it get better? Or is it just continuously, consistently getting worse?
The first question, and possibly even the most important question that I want you to ask yourself is, what's the primary emotional reason why you're staying in this relationship with this person? Is it love? Is it guilt? Is it loyalty? Is it just obligation? Or are you staying because you feel like logistically you [00:04:00] can't get out?
Maybe you rely on this person for financial support or you don't have anywhere to go. What's the primary emotional reason that keeps you stuck? Because honestly, our emotions are what drives our behavior. What's keeping you there is some kind of feeling state, and I want you to figure out what that is.
Now, the second question that I think is a biggie, especially for those of you who are in a partnership like a romantic relationship or you're married to someone with an addiction is, ask yourself this, and this applies to all relationships, but just particularly to partnerships, but if they got sober tomorrow, could you really reengage with them?
Or is there too much water under the bridge? Because I've seen this happen in our practice a lot, like the person finally gets sober, but there's just been so much damage, so much like destruction of trust, betrayal, [00:05:00] hurt feelings that you just can't get past it. Even when the person gets sober, the relationship is still terrible and it's not serving either person.
So I think that's something you gotta get really honest with yourself about. And that kind of leads me to the third question, which is, are there real feelings of affection left in this relationship? Or am I just continuing this relationship because of guilt or obligation or fear or something like that?
Is there real connection left? Or is there something here in this relationship that's worth continuing to fight for? Now, this fourth question is huge, and you've heard me talk about this one maybe in other videos, but I really want you to come back to this question a lot, okay? Because I know this is something that you struggle with if you have an addicted loved one.
The question is, have [00:06:00] you completely lost yourself and that to the point that no matter how hard you try, it's like you can't get yourself back? And what I mean by that is has it messed with you so much that you're not the same person and you don't like this person who you are? Do you, Are you constantly angry all the time?
Are you constantly so hypervigilant that your anxiety is just on full blast nonstop, and you're driving the people around you crazy and driving yourself crazy with it, right? When you look in the mirror, can you even recognize yourself anymore? Now, I know there are days like that happen, but I'm talking about okay, you recognize this, you've tried, you've done the ANR techniques, maybe you've talked to Kevin Campbell, but you just can't get yourself back together, and it's causing you so much trauma anxiety.
I like to say, if you're in a really close relationship with someone [00:07:00] with a substance use disorder or an addiction, you're gonna develop an anxiety disorder problem, right? That's not officially in the clinical diagnostic book or whatever of diagnosis, but I feel like it, it usually hovers somewhere between post-traumatic stress disorder.
It's like a complicated or complex PTSD and obsessive compulsive disorder, 'cause a lot of times you can get in that pattern of constantly checking, whether that's checking the bank account, looking at them on the, the GPS app that, that you have that tells you where they are smelling their breath, following up to find out if they went to a meeting.
Are you constantly... It can be checking, like ~people can get addict- not addictive, but ~people can have OCD about checking the stove, did I turn it off? That kind of thing can happen to you when you have an addicted loved one because it's coming from a place of constant fear, right? And it's a look for reassurance or it's a look to make sure that you're not being lied to.
And it can take over your life to the point that you don't even like to leave the house because- You [00:08:00] feel like you either need to be there to babysit, or if they're not there, you need to be there to be collecting the evidence and snooping around because they're not there. And when you've lost yourself, ~you've quit all of your life, ~and you've tried to get it back, that's a big sign and symptom that I want you to pay attention to because it might mean it's time to, to break away, to cut ties.
The next question I want you to ask yourself is, ~and this is one I haven't talked about in the past, but I want you to think about, ~is this person actively and consistently pushing you away, right? ~Now, I'm not talking about like I try to talk to them about the problem and they're avoidant and they start arguing or they shut down.~
I'm talking about whether it's about this topic of the addiction or not they're literally telling you, "Don't talk to me. I don't wanna be around you. Don't call me." "I hate you." They're just pushing you away, like in every way possible. ~Sometimes... And ~maybe they're even being mean about it, right?
That is a boundary that they're having, that they're trying to set, and even if you don't like the boundary, if you don't think it's fair, I think you need to listen to that. [00:09:00] Even if it's not being directly communicated, but you get the impression that they don't want your help, I would listen to that. Because when that's happening, what's going on there is usually contempt, and those of you who know anything about like couples counseling or relational stuff, you've probably heard of the Gottmans.
It's like the married couple, the man and wife, who are couples therapist and researchers. They have more research on romantic relationships, like couple relationships, than anyone in the world, and they developed this thing they call the Four Horsemen, which basically are the four huge predictors that a relationship will end in divorce.
And one of the biggies on there is contempt, and that's what's happening when someone is constantly pushing you away. Do you feel like you feel contemptuous of this person consistently? Of course you might feel that way sometimes and then it gets better, but like you feel that way a lot.
Do you get the impression that they feel that way about you consistently, [00:10:00] right? That's a sign that this relationship is falling apart. Another question I want you to ask yourself is the contact that I have with this person purely transactional? Meaning- Is there any real relationship here, or is it like I only hear from them when they want something from me, when they need something, and as soon as they get it, they're out?
They don't call to see how my day was. They don't send me happy birthday cards. They don't say, "What's going on with your kids?" Literally, it's just transactional. And because that's a pretty good clue that you're just being used, and that's gonna lead you to resentment. And if you're being used for money, it could lead you into financial trouble.
So ask yourself that question. Are they only in a relationship with me to get something out of it, right? Is there any real relationship there? Now, the next question [00:11:00] is a big one, and you have heard me talk about this before, but I feel like I have to put it in here all the time because it's such a big, important thing, and that is, is there a real physical, emotional, or financial safety issue going on?
Are you being abused? And I know that this can be a little bit hard to measure because if you're in a relationship with someone who has an addiction, chances are you feel like you're not being treated well, right? And that happens on a continuum, of course, right? And it's hard to know. It's not like there's an exact line in the sand, but if you feel like you're not physically, emotionally, or financially safe, that's where you gotta take all the advice Amber gives you and throw it out the door and deal with the safety issue first.
Safety always comes before what's therapeutic, ~'cause what I... The advice I give you guys is what I would call therapeutic. What's best for the relationship? What's the way to get through to someone? Psychology stuff. ~But safety comes before that. So never, ever ignore that. Now, if you're in a partnership with someone who has an addiction of any sort, ~if it's, if they have an addiction or they drink too much or whatever, ~one of your [00:12:00] concerns related to safety probably has to do with the kids, ~ex- ~if you have kids in the house.
~And the... ~You get really caught in this dilemma because you think, "Yeah, it's not good here, but at least I'm here with my kids to watch over them and make sure they're okay." And you're thinking to yourself "What's gonna happen if I divorce this person, and then I have to share custody, and then they're with them every other weekend or every weekend or, for week-long breaks and stuff like that, and you're not there?"
So you could be staying in a relationship because you feel like there is a safety concern and that safety concern might be worse if you were to split up, and that's a real legitimate fear and concern. ~That's a real thing. ~If you are in that situation And you do end up in a position where you need to divorce someone that has a substance abuse problem, then I strongly recommend that you have it written into the divorce custody papers, whatever, that there's some [00:13:00] kind of consistent ongoing monitoring because it's the best way for you to be able to look out for the safety of your kids.
So if it's alcohol you need to be looking into Soberlink, right? If you've heard me talk about Soberlink before, you know I'm a huge fan, but it's the alcohol monitoring I wanna say device, but it's really a system, right? 'Cause you can get a breathalyzer anywhere. But i- this is a whole system that works really well, particularly in these kinds of situations because you can't cheat Soberlink.
Like with pretty much all the other programs you can cheat them, but y- with Soberlink, it's got the facial recognition, and that facial recognition is built into the device. You see sometimes some of these other devices, they run off of apps, and it may say facial recognition, and I don't wanna go into it too much because people might be listening and now they're gonna learn how to cheat it.
~But what I wanna say is there's ways to... easier ways to cheat them. ~Soberlink is e- it's pretty locked down. The only way you're gonna be able to cheat it is just to not take your test, and then it says that you didn't take your test, so it's not really cheating because [00:14:00] the answer is obvious, right?
And you can have that. I've seen that in situations where people are separating and there is an alcohol question in the mix. If you're the person that's being accused of having an alcohol problem, then you ask for the Soberlink because this is your way to protect yourself. Y- this'll help keep you out of the whole like supervised visitation thing.
So it's a way to feel more comfortable with having your kids in your partner's care if you're not there. It basically works, it's set up on a system where the person gets prompted a certain amount of times a day and you or the person can pick how many times a day that is. Usually, the recommendation is three times a day.
That's... When I have people on Soberlink it's almost always three times a day. And they get a message that reminds them to take the test, and if they're late or they miss it or they're positive, then their their sober partner gets a message. And that sober partner can be anyone. It can be their counselor, [00:15:00] their sponsor.
~It could be you if that's the way you have it written up. ~And it keeps a legitimate record that you can even pull that has every test, what time their picture, all that facial recognition. This is probably the best way to keep your kids safe. If it's drugs that are in the mix and it's not alcohol, there are other recovery monitoring programs and you can look into those like the sort of like the being pulled for random drug screens kind of thing.
Because I know that the safety issue isn't just as simple as me saying, "If there's a safety issue, leave," because if there's kids involved leaving could increase the safety issue, and you need some ways to put some protections in place for that. Now let's move back onto our questions 'cause I'm gonna forget and lose my place, but the number eight question is, ha- is it to the point where you're the only thing standing in the way between them and real consequences?
Are you in a position where you're holding their whole life together [00:16:00] and you know that by doing that, you're, like, prolonging the situation because it's keeping them in denial? They're not even functioning. They're not working. They... They're not even helping around the house. You can't trust them to help watch the kids.
Literally, you're, you can't even rely on them for anything, and you're holding it all together. You're juggling all the balls. That's something I want you to stop and think about. ~And this question actually connects to a lot of the other questions, right? ~Is if that is the case, then you gotta go back to questions like one and two and three.
What's the primary emotion that's keeping me here? Is it obligation? Is it guilt? These are the kinds of things that you need to be asking yourself, not just for them. It's not... This question isn't about I need to cut ties with them because I'm enabling them and I need them to suffer more.
~It's... ~The way I'm asking you this question is more about if you're the one that's literally doing everything, that's gonna bring you into a bad place where you're gonna feel like you're losing yourself, right? And [00:17:00] so you gotta ask yourself, I'm holding it all together. How's that affecting me and how's that affecting them, right?
Now, the next question I want you to ask yourself is, are you having physical health problems? Because you may not know this and you may not connect the two things, but when you're under chronic stress like that, you will start to have a lot of physical medical problems. And I'm not saying in your mind, like they're somatic, like you're making them up.
I'm talking about your body starts to break down. Or if you get sick, you can't heal correctly. You may get diagnosed with a, some kind of disorder a lot, especially the ones that have to do with healing and inflammation and that kind of thing, that you're absolutely are gonna be impacted by carrying this chronic stress day after day.
You will feel it in your body. If [00:18:00] you've experienced that, put that in the chat or the comments, ~'cause I, I think it's good for people to recognize, ~'cause they don't recognize. They may f- they may think, "Yes, I have all this stress and I'm having this medical problem," but they're not connecting the dots between the two things, and that medical problem probably isn't gonna get better as long as you're in that situation, because your body can't heal because your body is literally not functioning properly.
~It's not made... ~You're not made to stay in a fight or flight response all the time. And then the number 10 question comes back to, are the kids, ~if it, ~if there are kids involved, are they being affected in ways that go beyond this isn't an ideal situation? Like ~I, ~I get it that if there's an addiction and there's kids involved, it's never an ideal situation, ~right?~
~I get that, ~right? But I'm talking about are the kids being affected in a big, huge way? You cannot ignore that, right? And maybe it's like not that they're being physically abused or something, but you can see that your kid is stressed out, that your kid is having medical [00:19:00] problems, that your kid is taking on this like super parentified role where they're living in that hypervigilant state.
Those kind of things count too. ~You can't disqualify that. ~A lot of times if it's let's say you're a parent and the loved one with an addiction is one of your children, the other children could be suffering. So when I say kids, it could be your kids, but it could also be like the siblings of the addicted person.
~It doesn't have to be that the parent has the addiction. ~Because addiction impacts whole family systems, not just the person, and you gotta be honest with yourself about that. Now, I know that these are complex questions and it's really hard to figure out where you're at on that, and it can change from day to day, but when you're a- asking yourself these questions on a regular basis and you're constantly coming up with the answers that indicate that it's time to go consistently, that's a good sign that it's time to go.
You don't make the decision to go in the heat of the moment. You don't make it out of a frustration or [00:20:00] anger or something that happened, because if you make the decision in that moment, those like really intense, highly emotionally charged moments, ~you're gonna retract your... ~You're gonna go back on your decision when the feeling goes away, 'cause you're making it because of a in-the-moment feeling, and once you're over that and you're not as angry, four days later or whatever, then you're gonna go back on your decision.
You'll know you're there when you're like chronically, consistently feeling like that. And it's not even a heat of the moment decision you're making When you get out of a relationship with an addict, a l- a lot of times that requires some strategy and planning and thought. It's not just a, "Okay," "That's it.
N- I'm not taking your calls anymore," 'cause it's not that simple. If you're living with this person, it's very complicated, even if you're just tied in with this person a lot, even if they're not living with you. But there's a lot of people in common or logistics in common. You may have to make a plan for how to leave.
And there is a video on this channel about, I think it's called When and How to Leave Someone With an Addiction. And so if you're in that situation, you might wanna [00:21:00] check that out. If you're struggling with these kind of questions and you can't figure out if your person has any chance of getting better, is it just a hopeless situation, and you want some help figuring out what your next move is, you can always book a call with me or anyone on my team, and we can help you think that through.
One of the things that I'm pretty good at is ~I'm pretty good at, ~like, when I hear your story, a lot of times I can pick up on signs that are actually really positive signs. Even when someone isn't saying out loud their change talk, a lot of times there's more subtle cues, like certain behaviors and certain things are happening that I might, you might tell me and I might say, "Actually, I think this person might be pretty close, and so let's give it, let's give it a few more minutes," kind of thing.
I can't predict in the end, in the grand scheme of things, who's gonna get sober forever and who isn't, but I can tell you if we're on that path right now. I can tell you how far away f- we are from it in that moment usually. ~And if you need some help thinking through that schedule an appointment.~
You don't have to have [00:22:00] ongoing appointments. It can be, like, a one-time consultation session where you just need some help thinking through. Do I need to give this some more time? Are there things I can do to put this relationship back on track that I haven't done yet? Those kind of things. Because if or when or whatever, if you make that decision that you have to leave, I want you to make it from a solid place so that you're not agonizing over it, and you're not quest- second-guessing yourself over it all the time and feeling guilty.
You need to leave when ~you're solidly ~you're asking yourself those questions and your answers are solid and consistent. And if I can help you do that, whether that's stay, go for now or whatever, then I'll be happy to do that, and Kim and Campbell will, too. Some other things I want you to keep in mind about this is that you don't have to make a permanent decision.
Even if you come to the idea that I gotta cut ties for now, you can add the "for now" on there. ~And that doesn't mean you... ~This isn't about what you say to that person, but I'm just saying for yourself. And it doesn't mean that you [00:23:00] don't love them, and it doesn't mean that you don't want them to get better, and it doesn't mean Any of that stuff, that you're cold, that you're uncaring or whatever, sometimes this is like a situation where it's if you don't let go, you're both gonna drown, okay?
And so don't guilt yourself over that. Get yourself clarity on this. Think through the situation before you do it. Don't make it in an impulsive moment. You'll take it back. You'll regret it. They'll use it against you, and then all the boundaries you try to set, they, they won't believe you. They'll just keep running over you and all that kind of thing, ~we are about to the point in this video, if you're watching live, where we're gonna take questions, comments, concerns. ~I wanna hear from you. You showed up live here for a reason, and I appreciate you being here, and I'm here for you to answer your questions, to get your feedback and your comments. Because I know that all of you are in various places in this continuum of stay and go, and I know that this is a question in the back of your mind all the time because you feel guilty for staying, you feel guilty for going, and you're in a rock and a hard place, and I [00:24:00] get that there's no easy decision to be made here.
All right, Brie. While they're getting their questions up here, I will tell you there are resources in the description, if you are in a separation situation, Soberlink, it is in there. Soberlink is my number one pick. If you're deciding, "Okay, I'm gonna give them one more chance," and the problem is alcohol, Soberlink might make you feel more secure about that, so that you can build some trust faster.
So that's ~in the description. Being able to set up an appointment, all those things are ~in the description. Oh, and one other really good resource for you is Kim and Campbell have a online program called Beyond Boundaries, because sometimes you're in a situation where you can't cut ties e- either because you logistically can't or you just can't emotionally do it, but you gotta come to terms with the fact they have this addiction.
You've kinda let go of the fact that it's gonna get better, but you're stuck in it. Like, how do you emotionally deal with that? Like, how do you get yourself in a place where you can be okay with whatever happens? That's [00:25:00] what their Beyond Bound- Beyond Boundaries program's about. So I'll go back and put that in the description for you, too, because that's kinda like a third option, stay, go, or somewhere in the middle.
~All right, Brie, do we have some good questions and comments back there?~
~All right. ~Sarah says, "Does this apply to kids as well as an addicted adult child?" ~Good, 'cause that was gonna be my question back to you, Sarah. ~I was gonna say when you say kid, do you mean a minor, or do you mean like an adult child? Yes, this applies to adult children as well. You- even when you're the parent, I think it's harder to make the decision to cut ties than it is if you're any other kind of relationship.
But even as a parent, at some point you gotta decide, is this gonna drown us both? Is this relationship even helping them anymore? So yeah, I think it a- applies to that.
Let's see. Our next question from J.A. Miller is, "My husband with alcohol use disorder has finally had it and agreed to shutting the door on drinking." ~That's fantastic. Awesome. ~Okay. "What are other ways he can stay accountable other than Soberlink? It's not in our [00:26:00] budget. He is open to suggestions." Other ways of staying accountable is just, one way to be accountable is let's say the person has to go to a work event, and they're gonna be gone for a big weekl- or weekend, long weekend workshop or something like that, and you know there's gonna be drinking there.
One of the things I suggest to my clients is you need to tell at least one person that you're not drinking. Because if you go to that and everybody's drinking or whatever, and you're keeping it in the back of your mind, and you're like I'm not gonna drink," but it's a secret, you're leaving it on the table.
So the temptation is a lot more there than if someone knows. So there are other ways, you can tell your loved ones "If you see me doing this or this, ask me about it. If I'm on this street right here, it's not a good sign." You can put all that on the table to hold yourself accountable in those kind of ways, and I suggest you do all those anyway, whether s- even if you are on Soberlink, y- you should do that as much as possible.
There are other systems out there that are [00:27:00] alcohol monitoring systems. And they are good. I think Soberlink is the gold standard, but I totally get it. Sometimes if it's out of your budget, it's out of your budget. I totally get that. So you can definitely look into that. But I love the fact that he's finally a- and I love how you said it, agreed to shutting the door on drinking.
To me, that feels... I don't know, something about the way you said it feels like final. Like the door is shut. Like it's not cracked. It's not bargaining. It's like shutting the door. I love that. I think that's fantastic. Congrats.
All right. Debbie says, "When you don't have the option to leave, how do you handle the day-to-day? I know I'm not supposed to nag, judge, et cetera, but when I know he's coming home drunk and drove, I have trouble being detached." Y- yeah, because in your mind, I'm sure you have- About a bazillion emotions that go through your mind when you know he's coming home drunk, and he drove himself home drunk, right?
You have anger, you have fear, [00:28:00] you have guilt, if he gets in a wreck and kills somebody, is that gonna be on me? What I'm gonna tell you is emotionally, you need to let go of what could or couldn't happen if he's on the road. If something bad were to happen, that's not on you. Even if you guys got in a big fight, he was drunk, he walked out the door, and he left in his car, I don't want you to wrestle the keys out of his hand because it won't work.
It could put you in an unsafe situation, and it's not on you, right? It's not because of you. You're not responsible for that. If it's put your kids in the car with him, I think maybe I would... ~I r- ~I would wrestle the keys in that situation, but other than that, I wouldn't. And that's not on you. So you need to let go of the feeling of responsibility over that and release that, and that might help you with dealing with that particular situation.
But I know it's more com- It's not just the fact that he's coming home drunk and driving. It's the fact that he's [00:29:00] coming home drunk, and I don't know what he's like drunk, but it's probably not fun for you, right? ~I get that there are feelings. ~What I can tell you is when you make the relationship better, even if it doesn't make them stop that behavior immediately, it almost always makes them more tolerable of a person because they're not fighting against you all the time and there's not so much animosity.
And so even if you're not trying to fix him, even if you're, feel like you can't leave, I would still work on that relational piece and get out of the power struggle with him because it'll make your life better. They'll, he'll respond to you better. Hope that helps you. And again, that might be a situation where the Beyond Boundaries comes in, 'cause sometimes you're in a situation like that.
Moonlight1967 says, "My son entered a program. How can I motivate him to stay there as long as he can?" ~Looks like there might be more to that. I... What's the rest of that?~
~There's not more? Okay, Bre, I just thought there was more. It looked like it cut off or something. ~Oh, here it is. "How can I motivate him to stay for the full duration without making him feel he isn't welcome back [00:30:00] home?"
~Oh, wait, it's four or five months. Hold on, there's more. ~Started a program. He has the option to stay for four or five months. How can I motivate him to stay? ~I don't know how long he's been in the program. ~Usually, at some point in a longer program like that- There's a lot of wanting to leave. It either happens right at the very beginning, they're there and it's those first few days and they're calling you, begging you to come get them, or occasionally they do okay and then they get a few weeks in and then all of a sudden something happens and they have a run reflex for whatever reason.
Maybe they don't like somebody that's in the program, whatever, and they have that. But at some point you can come up against this wall that you're talking about. ~If you're, ~if he's not actively trying to leave or come home right now, then you just wanna reinforce the decision that he's making, and positive reinforcement.
Not overly 'cause you can overdo it and that just feels icky. So you can just positively reinforce. If he starts actively wanting to leave, then... and he's asking you to come get him, what I like to do in that situation is put it back on the treatment team. "Hey, if your counselor feels like you're ready [00:31:00] to go and this is a good idea, I'll come and get you."
And that helps to keep you a little bit out of that bad guy role, and 'cause you just kinda keep going back to this, saying the same thing. "We're gonna go with what the treatment team says." And that's a little bit of a way to kinda hold that boundary without feeling like as much of the villain.
~And I don't even know, 'cause when I first read this question, my, my thought was four or five months I don't... Our recommendation is usually not to bring them back home even if they finish the treatment program. So I'm thinking, even in four or five months when he's finished the program, if he's an adult child and I don't know that, he could be 15 for all I know.~
But if he's an adult child, then you need to be having that conversation at some point. Not immediately. Let him get in a rhythm and be in a better space, and ask their counselor when's a good time to have that conversation. But bringing him back home is usually always a bad idea because it puts you and them back in a old role of, you're not gonna be able to help it.
You're gonna be hypervigilant and watching everything they do, and that's not gonna feel good to them, and you're gonna be aware when they're not doing their recovery plan or they're sleeping in all day or whatever. It's gonna create a tension that's not good for either of you. So if there's a way for them not to come back home, that is our suggestion.
Not that you're trying to leave him homeless, but what you want is a good [00:32:00] transition plan. Sober living and then maybe a roommate in recovery. You want a launch program regardless, maybe if they know that's the case, that there's not gonna be a come back home thing, ~that, ~that might actually help.
Grace says, "I've asked for time where we don't communicate after many years of emotional abuse and broken promises. But I'm struggling with the fact that he's alone and isolated." So this is guilt, right? What's your you're feeling guilty for how that's impacting- Him, but you know that you absolutely need this, 'cause the way you started this question was after years of emotional abuse and broken promises.
So it sounds to me like even when you're putting yourself in the position to be there for him, it clearly wasn't fixing it and helping. And when you're in active addiction you can be in a room full of everybody that loves you, and you're gonna feel alone and isolated because it's an [00:33:00] isolating place to be because you're constantly keeping secrets.
And yeah, you can have banter with people. You can look on the outside like the relationship's fine and things are functioning properly, but on the inside, when you have an addiction, you're always feeling alone and isolated. So I don't... ~I know that might not help you feel better, but I guess what I'm saying is ~you're subjecting yourself to abuse isn't necessarily fixing that problem, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
TXMotoMan says, "My wife and I have been married 33 years, and the last 14 have been trying to help her battle addiction, but she keeps going back and trying to bargain with alcohol. She's two months in rehab. Not sure what to do. Is Beyond Boundaries good for me while my spouse is in rehab?" I think anything you can do to work on yourself while your spouse is in rehab is good, so I'm gonna give a yes to that because getting yourself in an emotional regulated place, regardless of what [00:34:00] happens next, is definitely the right thing to do.
As far as what to do next, I need some more specifics about what do you mean what to do next? Is she calling wanting to come home? Is she... Is it seem like right now she's in a good state? What's the history? Specifically, what is the right now question you're dealing with?
Soberlink would also be what I would advise as a transition plan. If that's an option when she comes back home, I would be negotiating Soberlink into that conversation if I were you.
~All right. ~Next question is, "I was trying to reconnect with alcoholic twin whom I had detached from. Wanted to be strategic. Today, in response to my third reach out text, she brought up past hurt and falsely accused me. I didn't jade. I, Seems like she isn't ready to reconnect." I think you're gonna, and I don't know enough context here, but I think you're gonna have to [00:35:00] decide is the person saying that to you to be mean and push you away?
It goes back to that question are they- pushing you away on purpose, like they're just saying mean things to you? Or is it in their mind they truly feel hurt, right? If that's the case and you're trying to repair the relationship you might not agree with their perspective on things, but you can have empathy for their feeling, and so you can connect with them on, "I don't want you to feel that way," "Can we make that better?"
You can do that without conceding to the fact that you did whatever you're being accused of. Because if you've been around watching my videos for a while, you know that there's a villain in every addiction story, right? And the resentment, the self-pity, that's a common, like pretty much always there symptom of addiction.
So I'm not surprised that's happening, and it doesn't mean that they're viewing it accurately. But if you wanna reconnect with this person you're probably gonna have to figure out how to repair whatever that damage, whether it was real or perceived, to fix [00:36:00] it.
All right. Brie says that we're running out of time for today. So I wanna say thank you to everyone who showed up here live or who watched on the playback. ~I know you can't always come live. You're working, you got a life, stuff like that. ~Thank you so much for coming, watching, commenting. Share this video if you think it would help someone.
~Give it a that helps us. ~And I'll see you guys next Thursday. We're live every Thursday at 1:00. ~It'll be me again next week, Thursday. ~And we also release videos on Tuesday, and the links to all those resources you might need they will be in the description. All right, I'll see you soon. Bye, everybody.
