AI Edits from They Admit Thereâs a ProblemâSo Why Wonât They Get Help?
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[00:00:00] For months, sometimes years, you've been watching this happen, and you notice the drinking is getting heavier, or the pills are disappearing faster than they should, or they are high when they swear they're not. They're sleeping all day, up all night, missing work, running out of money, disappearing for hours, making promises and acting like the promises never happened.
And every time you bring it up, somehow the conversation gets turned back on you "You're exaggerating," or, "It's not that bad," or, "I wasn't even that high," or, "It's prescribed. Weed is legal. I only do it on the weekends. Everybody drinks. You're just looking for a reason to be mad." Or then there's the classic, "The real problem is that you're obsessed with what I'm doing."
And now you're not only worried about what's happening, you're also defending your own perception of reality, and that will make you feel crazy. You start second-guessing yourself. Maybe I am watching too closely. I probably brought it up at the wrong time. [00:01:00] I sounded too harsh. I should have waited until tomorrow.
Maybe I need more proof Am I making too much of this? And then something else happens. They wreck the car, they miss work again, you find the pills, they disappear for half the night, somebody else notices, and you're right back to, "Nope, I'm not imagining this." That back and forth will wear you out, and after a while, you're not just trying to deal with the substance use, you're trying to get both of you to agree on what is obviously happening, that it is actually happening.
And then one day they say it, maybe after a bad night, maybe after a consequence. Maybe they just look exhausted and say, "Yeah, I know this has gotten bad," or, "I know I'm using too much," or, "I know I can't keep doing this. I think I have a problem." And if you're the family [00:02:00] member, ~oh my God, ~finally, for once, you're not arguing about whether the sky is blue.
They see it, they said it, and you didn't have to produce screenshots, empty bottles, pharmacy records, bank statements, Ring camera footage, and a PowerPoint presentation with exhibits A through Q. They admitted it. Of course, your brain goes, "Okay, now we can do something. Who do we call? Do they need a counselor?
Should we talk to their doctor? Do they need detox? What treatment programs are nearby? Should I place that call to my friend, to that place that fr- friend told me about?" You have been ready for this conversation for a very long time, and this is the point where a lot of people accidentally blow up all the progress that was just made.
You've waited forever for them to finally crack the door open. When that [00:03:00] happens, ~please, for the love of all that's holy, ~please do not come barreling through it with a suitcase and a handful of treatment brochures. Now, before we go any further, you need to figure out what they're actually saying. Like when they say, "I know this is a problem," that could actually mean a lot of things.
People say a lot of d- mean a lot of different things when they say that. They might mean, "Yeah, I know this is getting out of hand." They may mean, "I know I need to cut back." They may mean, "I know I need to stop." Or they may be finally getting close to, "Please get me an admissions appointment. I need major help All three of those statements are completely different things.
It's the interpretation of what did it mean when they said, "Yes, I know I have a problem." So if you hear that kind of statement, when they finally admit it, here's the rule. [00:04:00] Absolutely no pouncing. Do not hear one little admission and immediately launch into the full recovery response team. They crack the door open two inches, and the whole family comes flying through it.
And yes, we're gonna have a little humor today. We're gonna have a little fun with it because families can get very creative with their pouncing Actually, if you already know you're a pouncer, go ahead and put a shovel emoji in the chat. If you can't find the shovel emoji, just type the word shovel, right?
That's you putting your shovel down. No barreling through the door, no packing the suitcase, no recovery SWAT team. We're gonna learn how to keep them moving without scaring them backwards. ~You've probably, if you've watched much of my videos, ~you've probably heard me talk about the stages of change before, and you've definitely heard me say that you [00:05:00] have to match your response to the stage of change your loved one is actually in, and I still believe that, but the more I think about it, the more I don't think the traditional stages do a good job of capturing all the little psychological shifts that people actually go through in real life.
~The office... The official model, actually, ~the official model from, I h- I can never say this name, but it's Pro- Prochaska and DiClemente model. ~That's the those are the people that came up with this, right? ~The official ones are pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance. It's all very clitic- clinical, very organized, very first we do this, and then we nicely move over here.
But that's not how it actually looks when it's in someone's actual house. ~Now, I'm not sure the ASAM, that is the Addiction So- Society, that's the Addiction Society of Addiction Medicine or something like that, is sitting around waiting for my suggested revisions. I'll keep checking my phone.~
~Maybe they'll call, and they'll be like, "Amber, what do you think they should be?" But ~because this is my channel, I'm gonna explain it the way that I actually see it play out. Because I don't even think these of... These as like clean stages. I think of them more like phases of thinking, and people [00:06:00] slop back and forth through them all the time.
Here's what it sounds like in real life. It starts with, "I don't have a problem at all. Y'all are crazy." And then it's everybody else is overreacting. The spouse is controlling. The parents are dramatic. The boss is unfair. The DUI was bad luck. Nothing to see here. And then we move into, "Okay, fine. Maybe there's a problem, but it's not that bad."
Now, we've made some progress from y'all are crazy to it's a problem but it's not that bad. At least they're admitting something. But we're nowhere near, "Please find me a treatment center." Then once we get into that level that it's not that bad level, we move into, "Yeah, it's becoming a problem, but I can figure this out myself."
Super common, right? Especially with people who are competent in other parts of their life. Their brain tells them, it says, "I've solved harder problems than this. I can solve this, too." [00:07:00] And then we move into the I just need to cut back error. Okay, only weekends, no liquor, no using before 5:00. I'll stop buying it.
I'll only take what's prescribed. In fact, I want you to hold my medicine and only dole it out to me exactly what I'm supposed to have. I'm gonna put some rules around this thing and get it back under control. Then once we try all that, we move to the next phase, and it's some version of, "I probably need to stop for a while and reset," like 30 days off or Dry January, or they...
maybe they take off a few weeks. They're gonna let their tolerance come back down, clear their head, prove to myself that I can stop. And then somewhere in, in all of that, you often get, "I still don't understand why everybody's making such a big freaking deal about it. I'm only hurting [00:08:00] myself." Which, by the way, usually causes the family member watching to yell, right?
~You probably wanna yell at the screen right now and be like, "Oh, really? It doesn't hurt anybody but you," right? ~I get it. It's not accurate, but it is a thought that they have. So fair enough Then even after all that trial and error, enough rules, enough resets, enough this time I'll do it differently, they start bumping into more and more of an uncomfortable realization.
And it sounds, if you could hear it inside someone's head, sounds something like this. It sounds like, "Shit, I guess those treatment people were right. Every time I try to make this work, eventually I end up right back in the same old place." That's a big psychological shift. Now we're moving away from, how do I do this successfully toward maybe I can't make this work anymore.
Then you start hearing, "I'm done. I'm tired of this ruining my life," [00:09:00] and they stop maybe for three days, maybe for three months, and then it starts again. And eventually it brings them to, "I really wanna be done with this. Why can't I leave it alone? Why do I always go back?" When we get to that thought, now we're finally getting somewhere, because now the problem is no longer, do I have a problem?
It's not even, do I need to stop? Now it's, why can't I make it stick? And eventually, hopefully we get to, ~here's the one you're waiting for. You ready, family members? Here's the one. It's, "Okay,~ fine. I'll talk to that counselor," or even better they'll say, "Okay, fine. I'll talk to that shovel lady that you've been pestering me about."
~If so, welcome. I've been expecting you. ~Now, that process we just talked about is much closer to what actually happens psychologically, not five perfectly separated boxes, more like a whole series of internal negotiations. And at every one of those points, the people around [00:10:00] them have the opportunity to do one of two things.
You can help them move forward, or you can accidentally s- send them flying backwards into defensiveness And guess what sends people backwards really fast? Pouncing. Your loved one says, "Okay, maybe this is becoming a problem," and you hear, "I'm ready for rehab." No. Slow down here. Before you decide what your next move is, you need to figure out which version of I have a problem you're actually hearing.
So let's start way back here. I don't have a problem, y'all are crazy. At this point you're getting you're exaggerating, everybody does this, you're controlling, my boss is out for me, that DUI could happen to anybody. Everybody has an explanation, and conveniently, none of those explanations require them to change anything.
Then eventually something shifts. Maybe [00:11:00] enough consequences stack up. Maybe they scare themselves. Maybe somebody they respect says something. Maybe they wake up in the morning and for five minutes they can see it without immediately defending it. Okay, yeah, I probably do have a problem. Now listen, this is where I need you to resist every single impulse inside of your body, because in your head it's gonna be something like, "Thank you, I have been waiting for this for three years."
And I know you have been saying it and waiting for it for three years. You deserve a plaque. We'll order it later. But right now your job is to figure out what exactly do they mean by problem. It could mean I'm drinking more than I should. They could mean my spouse is about to leave me. They could mean I'm s- I scared myself last night.
They could mean I need to make a few changes. So instead of pouncing, [00:12:00] you have to get curious. ~Y- ~here's what I want you to say if you hear a statement like that. I want you to say, "What makes you say that?" You can stop and write that down if you want to, but you wanna get more clarity on what they mean when they're saying that, 'cause they're saying it and you're hearing something different, right?
'Cause you've been waiting and you're like, "Okay, this is it, it's go mode." And this is the hard part. After you say, "What's making you say that?" You shut up. You say nothing. Zip it, lock it. Don't say a word, and let them answer, okay? If they say, "I just don't like who I've been lately," don't... You still, no pouncing.
Don't immediately say, "Exactly, and remember Christmas and your sister said the same thing?" None of that. You're not pouncing. Still no pouncing. Just stay there. What makes you say that? And then let them keep going. You want them to hear themselves talk about the problem. [00:13:00] They've already spent plenty of time hearing you talk about the problem, but this is different, right?
If you can keep yourself from jumping in there and finishing the argument for them, they start building the case themselves, and that's exactly where we want them And I'm curious if your loved one has ever admitted there's a problem and then seemed to walk it back later. If that's the case, if you've ever had that, it's like they admitted it, they seemed like they were in the action stage, and then they started backtracking it, put a yes in the chat, ~'cause I wanna see how common this pattern is.~
~I have a feeling that it's real common. ~Then comes the next phase. Okay, I have a problem, but I can't handle it. Now we enter the wonderful world of bargaining, and honestly, this phase can hang around for a while. It can last years sometimes. The phase of the I just need to cut back phase. The I'm no drinking during the week.
I'm done with liquor. I'm only going on weekends. I'm gonna let [00:14:00] you keep the pills and hand me exactly what I'm supposed to have. I'm gonna stay away from those friends. I need a month off to reset. And when that happens, the family-- If you're the family member, this can make you wanna bang your head against the wall because you're thinking, "We've done that before."
And your instinct is to say that, right? Your instinct is to say, "Hey, we've done that before." You wanna say, "That's not gonna work," which may be completely true, but here comes the pounce. They have finally moved from nothing is wrong to something needs to change, and we respond with, "Nope, wrong answer."
You can see why that goes badly. What they're really trying to solve in that phase is something more like, how do I keep this thing that gives me so much relief or helps me in some way without blowing everything up? That's the problem that they're [00:15:00] working on. They're not trying to figure out how to live without it just yet when they're in that phase.
They're trying to figure out how to keep the benefit without the damage or the consequence, right? And no, you don't have to pretend every cutback plan is brilliant. You also don't have to immediately shoot holes in it. Instead, when you hear those, what I call the bargaining statements, the cutback statements, I want you to reinforce the part that actually deserves reinforcement, like positively reinforce.
They're acknowledging the problem, and they're committing to do something about it. That's the part, right? You might say, "I'm glad you're taking this seriously." Or you can say, "I can tell you really wanna get a handle on this." Or even, "I know you're gonna figure this thing out Notice what those statements are not saying.
They're not saying, "Yes, weekends only drinking is definitely the answer." You're reinforcing [00:16:00] that they see the problem, that they care about fixing it, and you're reinforcing that you believe they're capable of figuring out what it's gonna take. That gives them room to test their own theory without having to defend the behaviors or the addiction to you, right?
The second you come in with, "That'll never work," their brain gets a brand new assignment. Instead of figuring out what they need to do, their brand new assignment their brain goes on is prove you wrong. Congratulations if you're there because you've accidentally become the motivational engine behind their cut back plan, ~and this is some Olympic medal pouncing right here, okay?~
They need to discover for themselves even with all these rules, I keep ending back up right here in the same spot." Bingo. When you hear that, ~that's the one you've been waiting for. ~That's the big one. And still, when you hear it, no pouncing. This realization is [00:17:00] scary for them. So keep your little celebration dance secretly in your head, right?
You're not done yet, but we're getting really close. Now, they're starting to ask themself a much harder question. ~They're solving a different problem at this point. ~The question is what if I actually need to stop completely? Even when we get there, though, there's still one more little bargain stop along the way, and that one is some version of this.
"I don't need to quit. I just need to stop for a little while, 30 days, 90 days, get my tolerance down," people call it a tolerance break, "clear my head, and reset." And underneath that plan, there's still hope that they can take that little reset break, and then they can go back, and they'll do it differently.
And they stop. They feel better. Everybody relaxes, and after a while, you think, "See? It's finally better." ~And they think, "See? I'm fine now." ~So because they feel so [00:18:00] much better, everything's calmer, they go back. Maybe cautiously at first, but eventually, here we are again, and this is where the next realization starts forming.
The one that says, "Oh, shit, this problem that I haven't been taking a long enough break, that's not the problem anymore. The problem is maybe I actually need to be done with this thing." That's how you get to sobriety, people. When you hear that, now we're at bingo. We've crossed the line from I need to reset into I may actually need to get sober.
And this is where the whole thing starts to feel a lot more real. Up until now, they're trying to figure out, "How do I make this work? How do I drink without destroying my marriage? How do I use without losing my job? How do I take the pills without getting myself in trouble? How do I keep the [00:19:00] thing..." ~Oh, I lost my notes here.~
"How do I keep the thing that's been helping me calm down, sleep, socialize, escape, feel normal? Whatever it does for me, I wanna keep that, right? I just wanna do it without blowing up my life." ~That phase lasts a while, but ~now we're starting to bump into, "I don't think I can." That's a realization. Now we're not talking about changing the rules anymore.
We're talking about losing something they rely on. From your side, you're thinking, "Good. Finally, stop. We're gonna stop doing the thing that's destroying you, me, us, and everything else." From their side, it feels more like, "Wait, you're telling me I have to give up the thing that I use when I'm stressed, the thing that I use to shut my brain off, the thing that I do with my friends, the thing I look forward to at the end of the day ~forever?"~
~You guys like the movie Sandlot? That's my favorite movie. When I say forever, I always think about that scene in Sandlot where he goes, "Forever."~ That's probably how it plays in their head when they're coming to that realization. That's gonna send people into panic. So when they [00:20:00] say, "I think I need to stop," keep it cool, okay?
Play it cool. Please do not answer with, "Yes, exactly. ~Forever. Finally, you get it." ~That's pouncing. They may be able to accept that they need to stop long before they can emotionally swallow, "I can never do this again ~for the rest of my life." ~And honestly, they don't even need to solve forever today. We don't even encourage people to try to think about that because it just freaks them out, right?
They need to start solving a different problem, right? They need to figure out how to get stopped, ~and that's... ~and what keeps pulling them backwards. This is the point where you also see people stop for a while, the three days, the two weeks, a month, several months, and for a while everybody breathes. Now, I want to tell you, there's a difference between taking the tolerance break and the I stopped for a while, and then I went back.
~The, ~the difference is what was the thinking at the time? Was the thinking, "I'm gonna take a break and I know I'm gonna go back," or was the thinking [00:21:00] at the time I'm done with this. I gotta be done," and then I relapse back because it's really two different phases. ~And that's what I mean when I say you really gotta get clarity on what they're actually saying to you, right?~
The person may be thinking, "What's wrong with me? I meant to do this," which when they're in that relapsing state. And a lot of time they did mean it. When they said, "I'm done," they were done. They just haven't figured out how to stay done, and that's where the next psychological shift comes from. That's the one we're waiting for.
Not should I stop, but I want to stop. Why the hell do I keep going back? ~That's when we're getting really close to what you've been waiting on as the family member. ~This phase is completely different from the earlier ones. Now they're not arguing with you about whether or not it's a problem. ~They're not trying to convince themselves that only on weekends is gonna solve it.~
~They're not doing the 30-day reset so they can go back and manage it better. ~They actually want to be done, and they stop for a few days, a few weeks, maybe a few months, and then something happens: stress, loneliness, tired, boredom, a fight, a celebration, a vacation, or honestly just nothing dramatic at all.
But they just start thinking about it again, and eventually they go back. [00:22:00] That's a different conversation in their head. ~It's not, "Do I really have a problem?" ~It's, "What the hell is wrong with me? I said I was done That thought hits differently. It's a different phase. They really did want to stop, and now they're figuring out that wanting to be sober and knowing how to stay sober requires a different skill.
This is where shame can really come roaring back into the picture. They're thinking I said I, I should be able to do this. Why am I so weak? I made it six weeks. Why did I screw this up?" And when you're watching this from the family side, your nervous system, it gets ready, it wants to pounce again.
It's really that fight or flight. It's the pounce reflex, right? You- your adrenaline's pumping and you feel like, "Okay, I got the window, I got to act." And you're thinking, "This is why you need treatment." Easy now. ~Put your treatment brochures back in the secret desk drawer, right? ~This is not the moment to say any version of I told you even if you've been telling them that same thing since the dinosaurs were here, [00:23:00] okay?
What we want to reinforce when we're at this phase, this I'm really trying to quit and I'm falling back, is we're trying to reinforce that they're trying. This is where empathy, encouragement, and a vote of confidence can go a long way. You might say, "You've been doing really good," right? "This is just a mess-up.
~You've been on the right track." ~You might say, "I know how committed you are to this." You might say, "This is hard, but you're figuring it out." Or you can say, "I can see how much you want this. Don't give up on yourself." And it's hard to do in that moment because you're devastated, maybe more devastated than they are.
And when you say these things, these encouraging statements, ~I don't want you to ~you're not pretending that setback didn't happen. You're reminding them that the setback doesn't erase all the progress they made, because that keeps them in the I need to figure this out phase instead of screw it, I already failed.
If you [00:24:00] ever had an instinct to jump in with, "See, that's exactly what I told you would happen," ~have you ever had that instinct? ~Go ahead and put a little shovel in the chat. ~If I weren't busy talking to you, I'd put my own little shovels in the chat, because ~you need to put the shovels down. We're learning about restraint today.
Eventually, after enough rounds of I got this, I can stop, I just need to try harder, this time is different, they'll start getting tired. Tired of starting over, tired of making the same promise, tired of feeling good for a few weeks and then ending right back up in the same hell, right? Eventually you hear something different.
~Ready? This is the one you've been waiting for. Here it comes. ~You might hear, "Maybe I should talk to somebody," or, "What was the name of that counselor you mentioned?" Or, "Maybe I need some help detoxing." And this is the statement that you thought you were hearing those other times, right? This is a, "Okay, I got to stop.
I've tried all the things I know how to try. I'm going to need something else to help me figure this out." ~This is when- ~This is [00:25:00] also another pouncing moment, and you always got to play it cool. What you want to do in this moment is make those help options feel smaller and safer and less dramatic.
~Whatever you do not turn, maybe I should talk to somebody into great, I found a 90-day program in Arizona. ~Slow down. Help should feel like something they can actually picture themselves doing, and the easiest way to do that is to connect it to who they already are. Maybe th- maybe they've told you that they hate groups.
Okay, then don't immediately start selling them on meetings. You might say, "Yeah, I know groups aren't your thing. One-on-one might suit you better." Maybe they hate anything that feels like overly emotional or touchy-feely. Like they're like, "I don't believe in that counseling crap," okay? You could say, "You'd probably do somebody...
~w- better with somebody that's like super direct and practical and just says it like it is." ~Maybe they're a really private person. You don't have to tell the world anything. You could just start by talking to one person. You could just start by listening to a podcast or reading this book You'd probably [00:26:00] like somebody who could help you understand what's actually happening so you can get your head wrapped around it, maybe the science of it.
Maybe they've said, "I'm not going to rehab." Don't panic. It's fine. You don't have to argue with that right now. You can say, "Okay, would you be willing to do X, Y, or Z?" And try to connect it to something that fits with their personality or at least doesn't sledgehammer their fears. The questions the question they're asking themselves about getting help, it's a lot less scary.
Y- you wanna play it cool. You wanna almost minimize it. "Okay we'll just get you in with this person. We'll just get you in detox. You'll be in there five days. You'll be out and we'll be back on track," right? This phase is not about convincing them to embrace every form of recovery help. It's n- it's about helping them think, "Maybe there's one version of help that I could actually tolerate."
Casual is your friend here. Not, "You need to get evaluated," more like, "Why don't we just find somebody you [00:27:00] like and have a conversation?" Not, "You need a recovery program," more like, "Let's see what options are out there and find something that fits you." Not, "You need support." I know that sounds nice, but it feels a little degrading, right?
It's more like, "You've been trying to muscle your way through this for a long time. Maybe it's easier to start with somebody in your corner, or maybe you need a little medical help to actually stop," right? "Maybe you just need some help s- getting sleep at night so you can detox," whatever. Now that help doesn't sound like a punishment.
It doesn't sound like surrender. It doesn't sound like, "Congratulations, now you're officially a recovery person." It sounds like the next reasonable thing to try, and if they say, "Okay, I'd be willing to talk to someone," keep your cool. No victory parade, no group text to the family, ~no suitcase magically appearing by the front door, ~just, "Okay, let's find somebody who you think is a good fit," or, [00:28:00] "What do you think about X, Y, or Z?"
And super casual, s- not forceful. That's how you get them to c- commit to the next step because it, the next step feels easier. Now, look at the whole progression, right? We went from, "Y'all are crazy. I don't have a problem," to, "Okay, maybe there's a problem," to, "I can fix it myself," to, "I just need to cut back," to, "I need to take a break and reset," to, "Holy crap, every time I try to do this, it doesn't work.
Maybe it works for a little while, but it always blows up on me After we go through all that, then they start thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna have to give this up. I actually need to get sober." And then when they're actually really for reals trying to get sober and ~they, ~if they're not able to do that, they really wanna be done, and then they start asking, "Okay, there's something I haven't figured out here," that's when we get to the point where someone's like, "Okay, fine.
Maybe I need some help." It's a lot of [00:29:00] psychological movement, and the family tends to make the predictable mistake through the entire process. You keep talking to the phase that you want them to be in instead of the phase that they're actually in. So many families start talking about help and treatment and saying, "You need to talk to someone, and you can't do this by yourself," when people are way back in those early stages ~When, maybe it's a problem and your res- is not, "I'm ready to quit.~
~I'm gonna cut back. I've accepted abstinence." ~They say, "I think I need to stop," and you respond to, "I'm ready for treatment." And then everybody gets frustrated. You're thinking, "Why are you backing up?" They're thinking, "Why are you 10 miles ahead of me?" That's what I'm calling pouncing. You don't need to convince them of the next conclusion.
Your job is to make it easier for them to keep thinking. At the beginning, get curious. When they start bargaining, reinforce the fact that they're taking the problem seriously. When they realize they may need some help to stop, to actually stay stopped, don't make forever sound [00:30:00] like a prison sentence.
When they stumble trying to get sober, give them empathy, encouragement, and some kind of vote of confidence. And when they become open to help, make it feel normal, casual, and if possible, tailored to them in some kind of way. You're basically... Your job as a family member, you're just trying to keep the, the runway clear.
They still have to land the plane, okay? And yes, I know how annoying that is. ~You've been standing there waving your little orange flag thing for three years, okay, or more, maybe more than three years. ~But dr- but dragging the plane down the runway generally is frowned upon, okay? And it doesn't work. So when you hear progress, don't immediately ask, "How do I get them to the next phase?"
Ask, "What response will make it easier for them to keep going from where they are right now?" If you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, I've been responding to where I want them to be and not to where they are," put your little shovel emoji in the chat. That's the whole [00:31:00] exercise today. Notice when you're about to grab that shovel and put it back down.
~Now, if you want more help figuring out how to customize your responses to your loved one's personality, motivations, fears, and preferences, check out our Denial Breakthrough Intensive. We run it every eight or nine, sometimes 10 weeks or so If you're watching this right now in real time, the next one's coming up soon.~
The next one's coming up October the 19th to the 22nd. If you're watching the replay, ~who knows what amount of time later, just look- ~click the link in the description. It'll take you to the page. It'll tell you when the next one is available. Like I said, we run it every so many weeks. In that intensive, we get a lot more specific about your person.
There's no magical sentence that works on everybody. One person might be highly independent and immediately pushes back if they feel managed. Another person might be drowning in shame and shuts down the second they feel criticized. Another person responds to logic. Another person responds to autonomy, like they wanna, have their own say in it.
Another person needs hope before they can look honestly at the problem. ~All of that can help you customize your responses. ~We look at things like what motivates them, what scares them, what do they value about themselves, what kind of help would they actually consider, what makes them dig their heels in, what gets them talking [00:32:00] instead of defending.
That way you can start matching your strategy to both where they are in the process, ~like we just talked about, ~but also who they are as a person. That's how you stop wasting months having the same old argument. Instead of repeatedly triggering defensiveness, you're helping them work through these realizations faster from, "Okay, maybe there's a problem.
Maybe these rules aren't working. Maybe I really do need to stop. Why can't I stay stopped?" You can't force somebody through all of those phases, but you can absolutely make it easier or harder for them to move through them. And way too often, families accidentally make it harder because they're using a strategy that doesn't fit where the person is that's actually standing in front of them, ~and sometimes when you hear those vague statements, you gotta get clarity on it.~
Those are the kinds of things we work through in the Denial Breakthrough Intensive. It's about how do you talk to your loved one, how do you help them move through the process. [00:33:00] I put the link in the description. ~I'll also, afterwards, I'll put it in the comment. I'll pin a comment so you have the link. ~And there's also other resources in there if you need those.
Now, ~we're about to the point in this where ~Brie is back there behind the scenes moderating the chat. ~If you're watching live... First of all, ~if you're watching live, thank you. I know we had some technical difficulties at the beginning and we started a little late. My ginormous apologies. My computer made me shut down and update right when I was trying to go live, and that's my new computer.
~It's annoying. I'll get over it. Thanks for hanging in with me. ~All right, Brie, do we have any questions, comments? ~Do we have any shovels in the chat? What do we got going on in there? All right, ~Psych6920 says, "My loved one's been inpatient for two weeks and is talking about coming home, and said he's scared we'll be upset if he relapses.
How should I react or not say to get him to stay, or should I let him?" Okay, so you're giving me several pieces here. So they're inpatient. I think what you're saying is they wanna come home early. I'm getting the impression that they're supposed to stay longer, and they're wanting to come home early, but then they're saying that you'll be upset if they relapse.[00:34:00]
And but your question is how do you get them to stay longer? Sometimes when it's a matter of getting them to stay in treatment, you're just kinda one day at a timing it and you just hold your line. I'd have to hear more about circumstances 'cause ~sometimes it's ~Sometimes it's just "Okay, but I'm not gonna come pick you up."
Sometimes it's more like an encouragement thing, that kinda thing. And I don't even know what treatment episode this is. Is this the first one? Is this the 10th one? 'Cause those kinda things matter, too, right? I've got an old video I did way back called Things Your Loved One Will Say to Get Out of Treatment, and it literally goes through all the stuff like "These people in here are a lot worse than me," or, "They're not even feeding me," or, "All they do is put you on more drugs around here.
They're making the problem worse." Like they... there's a a set of really common standard things that people say to their loved ones that convince them to get them out of treatment early. ~It's a old one, but if you dig way back, you can find it. ~As far as if they relapse what you wanna say if someone relapses, you don't wanna talk to them about how you feel about it.
You wanna get them to talk about how [00:35:00] they feel about it. That's a lot of what we talk about in the denial breakthrough is stop talking to them about your feelings. The goal is to get them to talk about their feelings 'cause you know what? The thing of it is they're gonna be upset when they relapse.
And if you can get them to process that they're upset, their upsetness is a lot more likely to get them to pull it back together and get back on track than your upsetness. Your upsetness is just more likely to make them power struggle with you or hide from you or something like that. So I hope that helps.
Leslie says, "He said he would take a break from me because I'm sick, and I begged again, but he drank seven days that week. What can I say or should I do? I know my actions were wrong. New at this." ~Hey, Leslie. I think your profile name is... At least I don't recognize it. If you're new here, welcome to our community.~
~We're glad you're here. ~Sometimes when you come to this, "Okay, I'll stop for you," a lot of other people will tell you they can't stop for you or whatever. If someone says they'll stop for you, you say, "That would be awesome. Thank you. Oh my [00:36:00] gosh, that'd make my life so much better. It means the world to me."
You take them up on their offer, okay? So don't do this you-have-to-do-it-for-yourself sort of thing. But he's telling you he'll stop for you, but then he drank seven days that week. That may not necessarily mean that he didn't mean it. It could mean that he can't stop, especially if he drank every single one of those days.
He didn't even make it any of the days. It could mean he just said whatever to get you off his back or whatever he thought you wanted to hear or something like that, but it could just also mean that it's like a learning lesson of "I said I would. I meant it, but then I didn't." And I'm not sure what you mean when you say your actions are wrong.
Your actions were probably natural and valid. ~All the things that family members do are completely fair, valid, natural reactions. ~It's just that sometimes they're just not that effective, and that's what we talk about here on the channel, ~so we're glad you're here.~
Mike says, "How do I inspire hope? My loved one is relapsed again, and he no longer has rehab available to him, depending upon the county resources, which may [00:37:00] be adequate and are not immediately available." Since you're saying that your loved one's in a relapse, that makes me think that your loved one had some sober time.
~And so just because... ~And I don't know how long the relapse is, but especially if it's a new relapse like they've been doing really good and then they fell back, I would not immediately say you need to go back to treatment anyway because they've al- he's already been to treatment. It sounds like he probably knows all that.
~I would even say, "Hey, you probably know everything they're gonna say. You could probably teach those classes." And they're gonna be like, "Yeah, I could." So I wouldn't necessarily go with that. ~I would say you were sober for 60 days, three weeks," I don't know, three years, however long it was. "You've-- Clearly you do know how to do this, right?
Whatever you were doing was working for you. Let's go back to doing that." So that's how I would be hopeful, and I would get them to see, instead of focusing on I messed it up, I would get them to focus on, dude, I was doing it right for a really long time. I got all these days in a row. So get them to refocus back on what was going right.
That's how you get someone in a more hopeful stance.
Nancy says, "What do you do when someone knows they have a drinking [00:38:00] problem, are an alcoholic, but doesn't believe anything or anyone can help them quit?" It's, this is another one of those statements, Nancy, about okay, they're saying that, but what do they really mean? I, if this person was sitting in front of me, I would say, "What makes you say that?"
Or, "What do you mean?" Or, "Tell me more." Because maybe it's like I tried this and this, and it didn't work." And then my next question might be on a scale of one to 10, how hard did you try to make that work?" And they're like I probably try a level four." Okay. 'Cause sometimes it's they've they think they've tried, and maybe they have, maybe they've half-measure tried or whatever.
Or sometimes they're just saying that because it's almost more like a self-pity statement of letting themself off the hook. You hear it in other versions like, "It's just who I am. Just, I'm just an addict or an alcoholic. You're just gonna have to accept it. Accept me for me." And it's really just them letting themselves off the [00:39:00] hook for doing anything about it because they're just like, "I'll..."
They're just throwing their hands up in the air, whether it's because somebody can't help them or it's just who they are or whatever. And that, for me, I think is actually harder to deal with than denial. Denial eventually will cure itself because eventually you can't deny any longer. It's just so clear.
But those other things where you can't... I can't be helped or this or that, that can mean a lot of things. And also depending on their personality if this was my client and I've been seeing them a while, and they were, and I had a good relationship with them, I might say, "Oh, dude, stop with that crap.
Stop with that self-pity crap. You're just letting yourself off the hook, not even going for it." I might say it funny or sassy, but you really have to know where you're at in your relationship with them, nancy, if I knew more, I could probably give you a more specific answer. But like I said, these statements can mean different little versions, so it's hard to say Lisa says, [00:40:00] "So when they say, 'I need help,' we should help even if they have done it s- this several times?"
Yeah, when someone says they need help or, my rule is if someone tells me they need treatment, I don't question it because it probably took them a long time to work up to saying that. So if they're saying, "I need help," like I need I don't know, to go to treatment or I need a counselor or something, you can help with that.
But if they're saying to you, "I need help," because I don't know, I don't know your situation, Lisa. Let's say this is your partner and whatever's happened and you made them move out or you moved out or something like that, and they're just saying, "I need help. I can't do this by myself," as a way to make you come back in and fix it or hold you responsible for it, that's different.
So again, it's what does I need help mean, right? I need help with what? Are they saying they want you to manage their recovery? Is it a way of guilting you back in or are they saying, "I need [00:41:00] help"? If they're saying I need help then yeah, ask them what kind of help that would be helpful.
What have you tried before? What's worked and what didn't work? And let them do a little steering of what kind of help. ~All right. Brie says we're to the end of our time. Thank you s- all of you who showed up and were here with me live. ~Thank you to all of you who are watching the replay. Please join the conversation.
Put your little shovels in the chat or in the comments. ~I look at every single comment that gets left. ~If you want to join the conversation and you're watching on the replay, we're live every Thursday at 1:00 PM Eastern. ~We'd love to have you here. ~We also release videos on Tuesday. And thank you to all of you who subscribe to this channel, who like these videos, who interact with me in the chat, show up live.
Every one of those ways that you engage help the channel but also help other people find this help because it tells the algorithm that this is helpful information and they'll put it in front of more people and so you're helping spread recovery when you do that. So I just want to say thank you and I appreciate it and I'll see you guys again next week.
Bye everybody.
