AI Edits from How to Respond When They Minimize, Make Excuses, or Deny the Problem
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[00:00:00] It's not that bad. I do a lot for this family. Why don't we talk about your problems? Those are the kinds of things you hear when you bring up something that's bothering you, and they've got an answer for every bit of it. And now, you respond to that by pulling out examples, and they're explaining why those examples don't count.
And before you know it, you're down some sort of irrelevant rabble-- rabbit hole. And trust me, they can do this all day long. It's like a deflection superpower. You're trying to figure out, "How did I get sucked into this every single time?" If you chase every comeback, you're gonna spend the next hour arguing, and if it's not arguing and fighting and yelling and screaming, somebody's gonna shut down completely.
A more useful question for you here is, what are they trying to get me to [00:01:00] understand with their comebacks? Because, "I do a lot for this family," gives you something different to work with than, "You can't tell me what to do." But you're still trying to make your point and explaining harder and harder, adding more and more examples, and you keep running smack into the wall like you're Wile E.
Coyote or something, right? It's just like they're the roadrunner and you're Wile E. Coyote. You just can't quite get them, right? I want you to get out of this cycle, right? Because there is a much better way to respond to their responses that's actually gonna keep the conversation moving. So in this video, I'm gonna try to be your personal translator here.
We're gonna sort their responses. We're gonna put them into four different categories to figure out what is the message underneath each one of the things that they're trying to say. And I'm gonna help you work through how to respond [00:02:00] without either of you feeling like you have to defend your entire existence.
And on top of that, you can do this while still addressing what's bothering you. You don't have to drop your concern out of the argument. Now, before we go further, this applies to whether you're dealing with drinking, drug use, gambling, or any other kind of pattern that's hurting your relationship. Put the exact situation that you're dealing with in the chat so I know.
What kind of situation are you trying to deal with? What brought you to this video to say? And if you want to, you can even put in there word for word what their line, their statement that they usually come to is. When you bring up concern, what is it that they say? All right, ~while you get that in the chat, ~let's go ahead and start with the first category of comebacks or excuses or whatever you wanna call them.
I call this category it's not that bad. As in, it's not that bad, you act like I'm a [00:03:00] terrible person This ca- this first category, this one, you're gonna hear things like, "I went to a meeting and I'm nothing like most of those people. I go to work. I pay my bills. I do a lot for this family." If you're hearing that kind of statement, the message that they're trying to communicate is this.
Ready? "You're not being fair to me. You're looking at this one thing and ignoring everything else about me." That's what they're trying to say when they say that. Sometimes you gotta ... it's it's hard enough to be a good listener, especially when we're in a tense situation in a conversation we've had a million times, but we gotta listen to what are they really trying to communicate, right?
And when they're saying those statements, any kind of version of, "It's not that bad," what they're saying is, "I feel like you're unfairly judging me, and you're not giving me credit for my good stuff." Now, when you hear this, you're [00:04:00] probably thinking that you're not ignoring the good things, right? But you're thinking that the good things don't make up for this problem right here that we're having.
And if you're thinking that, you're right. But what happens when you respond by listing everything that's wrong, they say, "You never give me any credit," and you come back with six more things that they've done badly. When you do that, you've just confirmed what they're trying to tell you. So if they're trying to say, "Give me some credit," then give them some credit, like real credit.
Talk about what they ~do, ~do well, right? What are they right about? "You're right. You work hard, and you do a lot for this family. I know I can count on you for a lot of things." If they're comparing themselves to someone else that has a more severe addiction problem or consequence, you can acknowledge that too, right?
"You're right. You haven't lost your job. You haven't had the kind of trouble [00:05:00] that other people have," ~or that guy in the meeting or whatever it is, right? ~You don't need to convince them that they're just as bad as somebody else. That's a competition that you're not gonna win because there's always somebody else they can compare themselves to that's worse.
And if you wanna do this effectively, if you wanna do it right, do not add the word yet, as in, "Okay, sure, you haven't lost your job yet." 'Cause when you do that, there goes all the credit, right? Now you're predicting their downfall. ~So what's true, actually true for a minute, right? ~You can recognize what their strengths are, and you can still have a concern.
~Both can be true at the same time. ~Then once you do that, bring it back to where this is affecting your relationship. This is where you can acknowledge what they're saying, give them some credit here, and then gently bring the conversation back. You can do it by saying something like, "I miss spending time with you in the evenings," or, "By the time we get a chance to wind down and sit together, you've had enough to drink that I feel like we can't really connect."
Or if this is your adult child you're dealing with, you can [00:06:00] say something like, "I know you're handling your job, and I'm glad that's going well. I miss doing things together. The last few times we've made plans, you canceled." Use whatever's actually happening in the relationship and keep it specific.
So you're kinda getting away from so much you're drinking, you're using what the problem is, and you're saying the problem that problem is causing, 'cause usually there's less to argument about that. You're giving them something they can respond to without first agreeing that they're a terrible spouse, a terrible son, a terrible wife, or the worst person to ever landed themselves in a 12-step meeting, right?
Not only do I not want you to say yet on the end of it, because that's like undoing everything you said, I-- please don't turn the acknowledgement into some kind of speed bump on your way to the complaint, right? ~You're a great provider, but when you do that, they know what's coming next. They're bracing for it.~
You actually have to mean the good part. Give it a little room, and then tell them what you miss, what hurts or what [00:07:00] you're concerned about. When you do this, they may still disagree. I'm not saying it's gonna make it perfectly, but you're giving the conversation like a better chance. You're not trying to find a sentence that forces them to agree.
~We build on this, this kind of concept here, we build on this with more advanced strategies in our denial breakthrough intensive. I'll tell you more about that later, but first, let's get you comfortable with these basics. ~Let's move on to category number two. This one is another response that can almost sound the same, but gives you a different piece of information.
~This is one... ~This is response that goes something like, "I work hard," or, "This is how I relax," or this-- "I do it for this reason or that reason." For you, it feels like an excuse, but what's really happening here is they're telling you what it does for them. That's why I call this category the I have a reason category.
Here are some more examples about how you might hear that, how it comes out. It sounds like I've been stressed. This helps me sleep. I work hard. I deserve to relax, right? These are all just different version of it helps me do [00:08:00] something. What they're trying to get you to understand is this does something for me.
You're asking me to give up something that helps Now I know your first response to that, I call it your sassy thought. I call this one your first thought. Never go with your first thought. Your first thought's probably gonna be, "Helps? Have you seen what this is doing? It's ruining everything," right?
But they're talking about the relief it gives them in that moment, right? It helps me relax, it helps me de-stress, whatever it is, and you're looking at everything that happens afterwards, so it's like a short-term, long-term kind of viewpoint. If you say, "That's just an excuse," they're gonna explain how stressed out they are.
And then if you say something like everybody has stress," now they need to convince you that you don't understand their stress. And then here we go, off again, right? You're gonna be right back in that rabbit hole. I don't want you to do that. Start by acknowledging the need. Acknowledging the [00:09:00] need, like with an empathy statement or something, is not saying I agree with how you're handling it.
It's just acknowledging the need, right? You have had a rough week. I understand wanting to come home and switch off. You can mean that part. ~You probably... ~you can say, "I get it. You probably do wanna switch off," or, "You do need some time to yourself," or, "You do need to relax," or, "You do deserve to have fun," right?
Those are legitimate needs. Once you do that, once you validate that, put the unresolved problem on the table and give them a chance to help you figure it out. Here's what that sounds like: "I want you to have time to relax. I'm just not sure how to get some time together when we can actually talk. What do you think?"
So they're saying, I need this for this reason. You're acknowledging that. You're validating that need, concern, whatever, frustration, whatever it is. And then you're saying that there's a conflict, right? ~You don't get into how much they're drinking, how much they're smoking, how much they're gambling. ~You're just saying that problem creates this other problem.
I'm not sure how to solve it. ~And you're saying that with some humility, right? ~And you're [00:10:00] just handing the problem back to them. I, I get that you wanna enjoy something you look forward to, I'm just not sure how to cover the bills when more money is going towards it than we planned.
Tone is really important here. You could say, "Do you have any thoughts about that? How can we handle that?" You're taking their reason seriously, and you're also asking them to think about the problem that their explanation hasn't solved, right? Because what they're saying is probably true, so you don't wanna argue with something that's true.
You're just never gonna win that. Because I need to relax still leaves room for needing to spend time together. I deserve fun still, there's still room for, but there's bills to pay. And you don't have to arrive with the whole solution already worked out. In fact, I really don't want you to do that because even if your solution's a good solution, if you're like, "This is what we gotta do," ~or, "This is the plan," ~they're just gonna immediately resist that because people don't like to be told what to do.
~We'll get to that one in a minute. ~But you're saying ba- [00:11:00] basically this is where we're stuck. We've decided what needs to happen, and now they get a chance to agree, and they can feel that, right? We're just saying this is the problem we're left with. Let's be a team here. Let's solve this problem.
And once you put that problem in front of them, now they can see where there's a conflict, right? Instead of feeling accused, instead of dismissing their concern. Try being genuinely curious about what they would suggest. ~This might be a little hard. Maybe you should practice it in the mirror, but ~try to be curious, right?
Give them a minute. Don't answer your own question because they've been quiet for three seconds. Just let it sit. Let it pause. Let the uncomfortable silence be there. If they offer an idea, hear it out. You can talk about whether it would address the concern immediately without immediately turning it into, "That's never gonna work," or, "Here's what you need to do," or, "Here's what I've decided."
And if they say something like, [00:12:00] "I don't know," which they might, right? Then you can say, "I don't have it figured out either." I'd like us to figure out some solution that works for both of us." Again, you're giving them the problem back. You're giving them something to think about. You don't have to settle the whole thing in one conversation.
Now, you can just acknowledge their reasons and still sit with, "Okay, but you don't get to tell me what to do." That's moving us to category number three. ~You know how I mentioned that while ago, the whole you're not the boss of me? ~This category, I'm gonna call it the let me make my own decisions category.
It sounds like, "Get off my back," or, "You're not my mother," or, "Why can't you just accept who I am?" When you hear those kind of statements, what the person's trying to communicate to you is, "I feel controlled. I need to make my own choices." They're asking for more autonomy or independence, right? When [00:13:00] that kind of thing becomes an argument, they get so focused on proving that you can't tell them what to do, ~that they actually get so distracted by that, ~that they don't even stop to ask themselves if they even want to do it anymore.
~I'm not kidding about this. ~People get locked into these power struggles, and they keep doing things they don't even wanna do just to prove that they can do them, right? They get caught up in the lying, the sneaking, the hiding, the power struggle, the being right, the not letting you to be the boss of them.
It's crazy, but we're all like that. We all have a need for autonomy, right? I have a client who just this week, they told me this story, and they gave me permission to share the story with you, right? So the story is this client, this person's early in their process of not drinking. It's been, like, a couple of weeks or whatever.
He and his family have went on this little, like, mini family vacay thing, and they had a really good time together. ~They were... ~They're on their way back home from this mini vacay, and on their drive home, my client, who was, like, the [00:14:00] husband, the dad, he was having some stomach issues, okay? ~We won't go into all that.~
~No need for that. ~But let's just say they were having to stop along the way at some gas stations. And he told me, honestly, that he had started to think about sneaking a beer. Not that he was lying about stomach issues, that was totally true, but it had occurred to him. In fact, he had started working out in his head how he could get away with this, and they were, like, pulling up to the gas station or whatever, and his wife started to say something along the lines of, "And don't try to go in there and sneak a beer while you're in there," which was actually w- exactly what he was thinking about doing.
Basically, she had called him out. But somewhere in that conversation, she stopped herself halfway through that, "Don't go in there and get a beer. Don't even think about it," whatever. And then she just gently said with no sarcasm, this is important, it's how she said it, is just, "Okay. Just do what you need to do.
I know you're not feeling well." She wasn't being sassy. She wasn't being [00:15:00] mean. It wasn't fine do whatever you want, right? It's not like that kinda thing, right? It was truly just, "Okay. I know you're not feeling well. We'll be out here. Do what you need to do." That one little statement, that one little U-turn she made from, "And don't even try to be sneaking a beer," to, "Okay.
I know you're not feeling good. Just do what you need to do," it snapped him out of it, right? He had a whole plan concocted. ~He'd been figuring out how to pull this off probably for the last 50 miles or something, right? Or maybe 100 miles. I don't know. ~But once she said that, he starts asking himself Why am I about to do this?
Like, why am I doing this? Do I really want to? Because when you have an addiction, you get in the habit of just trying to sneak whenever you can sneak, and it becomes so automatic that you don't even stop to question it. It's like, "Oh, opportunity," right? "I got to take it." It's just this automated process, right?
~And he was definitely stuck in that. ~He was insightful enough to realize that. But when she said that, he thought about the progress he'd made and the trust that they'd been building, and the fact that they just had a [00:16:00] wonderful weekend together. And he asked himself, did he want to risk messing that up for himself and everybody else?
And he decided that he didn't. His reason for not drinking, it's like his own motivations, his own reasons had a chance to come back into the conversation inside of his own head Now, I wouldn't turn her exact words into a line that everyone should use, the whole "Do what you need to do."
That's not the point, right? It can land differently depending on the tone, what's been happening between you, that kind of thing. ~The, but ~the point here is that I want you to notice that she didn't talk him through all the consequences, and he thought about it himself. She didn't make a threat. She didn't say something sassy.
~She didn't say, "I'm onto you" or whatever, right? ~That's what we're trying to give room for. We're trying to give room for their own motivations to kick back in. You can say, like really humbly and sincere, you can say, "You're right. It's your decision. I don't wanna be controlling. I'm just not sure how to bring up something that [00:17:00] worries me without making you feel criticized."
And then listen to what they said. ~So again, this is kinda the last one here, right? ~You're saying, "Yeah, you're right. You do need to be the boss of you." You're giving them the point that they're making that's true, and then you're kinda like handing them the problem back, right? If you say, "I'm just not sure how to bring these things up," or, "I don't wanna be controlling.
I'm just not sure what to do," and if you do that and then they say just never bring it up again," you don't really have to agree with that. It's you can say, "Okay, I can give you some space, but I do need us to have a way to talk about these things without us getting mad or without us getting to argument or without you feeling controlled," right?
Tone is really important how you do it. I want you to say it just like I'm saying it here. You leave the attitude out. Again, if you have to practice, practice, right? They get to make their own decisions, and you get to be honest ab- about you can make the decisions about your own, what you're gonna do, right?
They get to be the boss of them, and you get to be the boss of you. So don't get into this giant power struggle. [00:18:00] So when they say, "Why can't you just accept me the way I am?" There can be hurt underneath that statement. You can say, "I love you. I wanna spend time with you. That's why this bothers me." If you've been monitoring and reminding and bringing it up every day or every chance you, you get a moment to stab it in there You know, how-- You can just ad-admit that, right?
If you know that you've been taking every moment, you can say, "I have been bringing it up every time. I've been worried. I know I keep repeating myself, and I know it's not helping." When you do that, you're showing them that you can take responsibility. ~This is the last category. ~This is the fourth category of excuses in my translation for you here.
This is the one that will turn into an argument the fastest. When you try to bring up something, and then they say something along the lines of, "Oh, yeah? [00:19:00] You're not perfect either. What about you? What about all your flaws?" That's why I call this fourth category is called you're not perfect either.
They can say... it sounds like this: you're on the phone all the time," or, "What about the money that you spend?" Or, "You weren't complaining when you were drinking with me." And now, when that happens, you wanna explain that your thing is completely different than their thing. You've got context.
You've got reasons, right? Does that sound familiar? Because it makes you defensive, just like it makes them defensive. That's why this can turn into a competition very easily. It's a competition over who's allowed to be upset. Whoever has the fewer flaws gets to bring up the concern, right? ~Good luck with that whole competition.~
~It's not gonna get you anywhere. I promise you ~The message I want you to listen for when you hear that kind of thing is that you can take responsibility too. ~I don't, they're saying, "I don't wanna be the only person called out," essentially that's what they're saying, that's what the message is.~
So ask yourself when they say that, is there something true about what they're saying? If there is, [00:20:00] just own it, right? A lot of times they're bringing up your flaws to just deflect the conversation, but the best way to not get off track is just to own it, to say "You're right, I've been on the phone a lot when we're together," or, "I can see why that bothers you," or, "I'll put it away while we're having dinner," right?
If they're calling you out about something. Give them something real. Not a fake apology, something real. Don't bring in the sass. Don't bring in thought number one, which sounds something like sorry, I'm not perfect," with your head shaking and all that. Don't do that. It's not gonna work. It's...
~That's just gonna keep the fight going, right? ~And don't immediately add, "But at least I don't do what you do," right? Because when you do that, you're, like I said, you're just keeping the argument going, and you're so close. You almost took responsibility, you just did it with too much sass. You can acknowledge their concern and still have one of your own, right?
Just say, "Yeah, I'm willing to work on that. I'd like us to be able to talk about what's bothering us both." If they have a legitimate [00:21:00] concern, even if they brought it up just to get the attention off of themselves, ~which is probably the case, right? ~You don't have to decide whether their motive was pure before you listen, and you don't have to agree to something that isn't true.
If they say, "You're the reason I drink," you can say "I'm willing to talk about the things that I've done, but I don't agree that I'm responsible for your drinking," right? I'm not telling you to own something that isn't yours to own, right? I'm just saying acknowledge their point. You don't have to stay on their point.
You don't have to go down a huge rabbit hole about it, but acknowledge it. Acknowledging it will actually help them move past it. If you don't acknowledge it, they're gonna stay stuck on it. They're either gonna keep bringing up things to pull you into an argument, or they're just gonna shut down in their own head because they feel like you're not hearing them, you're not taking responsibility for your side, so they just shut you out, right?
Now, once you do that, then you have to follow through on whatever you said you were gonna work on. If you want accountability in the relationship, give them an example [00:22:00] of behavior change that they can actually see, right? Do what you're asking them to do Then you're also allowed to return to the initial concern that you brought up.
~I wanna make sure we come back to what happened last night, too. We haven't figured that part out. ~Say it like you wanna solve the problem together. If it comes out like, "Nice try, you're not getting out of this," right? I know that this is just a deflection or whatever, you're just gonna be right back in the fight.
Don't do that. Now, they can... We've talked about the four categories, right? But it's not just like they have one category, right? They can move through all the categories in one conversation, especially if they're, like, ninja good at deflection, right? It's not that bad. I've been stressed. You can't tell me what to do.
~What about you? You're not perfect either. ~If they do that, if they pull out all the ninja karate moves right there or whatever, you don't have to chase every single one of these. I just want you to get the philosophy here of just stop and ask yourself what they're... what's the underlying message that they're trying to communicate here.
Is it [00:23:00] give me some credit, acknowledge what they're doing right? Is it that they have some legitimate reason? You show that you understand that they have a need, and then ask them how to solve the problem that's still there. If it's let me make my own decisions, give them room to make their own choice. If it's you're not perfect either, just take responsibility for what's yours.
~That's the fastest way to move past that. ~And above all else watch your tone. The exact words can come out sounding caring or sarcastic, like you're setting a trap. Like the example I told you about my client, the whole do what you need to do is totally different depending on how you say it. Do what you need to do versus I know you feel bad, just do what you need to do.
We're out here, right? Same statement, whole different message, right? So you're just trying to understand them well enough to have a useful conversation. You still get to have concerns. You don't have to let the whole thing deflect you off of it. ~Now, if you're realizing as you're listening to this how often you get pulled into the argument, put a little shovel emoji in the dis- in the chat or in the comments.~
It's like I want you to put it in there 'cause it's a [00:24:00] symbol of you putting your shovel down. You're gonna quit digging this hole. This is you saying, "Okay, Amber, I know I can get sucked into this. I get pulled into this. I'm giving my shovel, shovel. I'm gonna quit digging the hole." So put a shovel. If you can't find your shovel emoji or you're not on your phone or something, just write the word shovel, right?
We've all had that moment, right? The key here is not let me show you more evidence. The key here is not let me try to explain it more and more way. That's how you keep digging, right? ~And if you want the more advanced strategies that we're talking about, I've given you a lot here, right? I don't wanna overwhelm you.~
You need to get these basics down first. But if you do wanna learn some more advanced strategies, we talk about those strategies in the denial breakthrough, including how to connect the conversations to things that they actually wanna change. Because you can give them more reasons for why you want things to be different, but that can only take you so far, right?
You want them thinking about their own reasons for change, 'cause that's what [00:25:00] makes people not just change, but that's what makes the change stick. Like in the client story that I shared with you, right? He started thinking about his own reasons. He let himself get out of that power struggle, out of that automatic, "Oh, I have an opportunity, I need to take it" sneaky thought, right?
And they it allowed him to step back and think, "Okay, what's going on here? Why am I doing this? This is stupid," right? "We've had a wonderful weekend. If I go and do this, it's gonna start an argument, and then every time we remember this weekend, that's what we're gonna remember. It literally would undo all the fun we had."
And he brought that to me himself right? He had thought this through. He was super insightful about it, right? Now, we do the intensive about every eight to 10 weeks or so. Depending on when you're watching this, like if you're watching this live right now or you're watching this soon after it came out, the next intensive is October 19th through the 22nd.
It's four days of live online coaching where we go in depth into these things even more, and it's more about finding their motivation and pulling it forward, [00:26:00] right? These are basic strategies on how to handle these conversations that don't turn into a fight, and that's more of how do I get them from here, from, either full denial or half denial or whatever it is, all the way to having their own reasons to wanna change.
If you're watching this later on and it's past that October deadline, we do have it every eight to 10 weeks. So just go ahead and you can click the link in the description, and it'll pull up the page, and it'll tell you when the next one is. ~We're gonna work on how to get past denial, how to lower their defenses, how to spark their...~
~find and spark their motivation that they have within them. ~And then finally, on day four, we talk about how to open the door to change and how to apply that all specifically to your person, their personality, their quirks, their strengths, their weaknesses, that kind of thing. It's about what matters to them, what makes them defensive.
How do you bring up something in a way that they can actually hear you? So if you're tired of having the same conversation and end up in the same place, the link is in the description. ~You-- But ~you can start now just by practicing what we covered today in this conversation. Just pick one thing. Give them genuine [00:27:00] credit, right?
Own your part. Let them answer without jumping in. The best way to be heard is to hear the other person, and this is how you hear them more deeply. What is the underlying message? What are they trying to say to me here? Once you can translate that, now you know how to respond. Now, for those of you who are watching live, ~we're getting to the point where ~I wanna listen to what you have.
Join the conversation. ~I see a lot of messages there. Brie is back there in the background moderating for us. Wanna hear about your experiences with this, your questions, your concerns. So ~put it in the chat, and Brie's gonna put them right up here on the screen for me. All right, Brie. We got anything good back there?
All right. Glock23Northerner says, "How does this change if they're not in recovery?" That's what we're talking about. This is if they're not in recovery. Like all these examples today, most-- These had to do with you're concerned about a behavior, whatever that is, addiction or whatever problematic behavior is going on, right?
Maybe it's your bestie, they're in a bad relationship or whatever. You're bringing it up. This is about how do I move someone into thinking about changing the problem? How do I bring up my [00:28:00] concerns without making them defensive? So these are the strategies for when they're not in recovery. ~And also I will add this, like if they are in recovery, you still have concerns, right?~
Still problems that come up. This is still the strategy to use. So whether they are or they're not, do it the way I'm telling you to do it. I'm not saying it's gonna go perfect, but I will say it's gonna go a lot better than the other way. All right. Toady49 says, "What do you do if they reply with, 'I don't know,' when you ask them what would be a good time to talk about some important stuff," right?
So again, let's go back to what does that message say, "I don't know," right? What are they trying to communicate? I think probably in this example here, they're trying to communicate "I'm scared of this conversation," or at least "I don't wanna commit to a time." If they say, "I don't know," then you can offer a suggestion.
You can say would it be, would it be a good time to talk after dinner tomorrow? Or do we need to wait till after football practice?" Whatever. Give two choices or an option there and let them pick, 'cause sometimes people don't know if [00:29:00] you give them like a multiple choice, a true or false or something, it's easier to pick.
So that's what I would do next. Mike says, "So much of recovery requires rational decisions and rational thought. How do we help a loved one when they are at m- in the midst of their substance and they're irrational?" ~That's a really good question, right? ~If someone's like super drunk, the goal when someone's super drunk is just to not have the conversation then because they may not remember it, because they're not in their reasonable thinking, right?
~And i- it's just not gonna be good. So if they're super high, super messed up, just don't even attempt the conversation then. ~But when they're not high, or I know sometimes some of your people are like always messed up, so you might have to pick a point in the day when they're less messed up, which I know sounds crazy, but sometimes that's the situation you're in.
And this is actually how you help someone have a rational conversation. What you're trying to do is you're trying to have a conversation while bypassing defensiveness, 'cause those comebacks, those excuses, those [00:30:00] minimizations, those are all just defensiveness, right? And not stepping on people's defensiveness will help them move into their rational
CJ says, "My loved one is in recovery from her drug of choice, but I think she traded one drug from another. She's on methadone eight plus years, but still doesn't have take home. She must be testing positive for something." Now what do I do? Okay. So my first thought to this, CJ, is rather than trying to speculate on why she hasn't gotten a take home, which I understand why you're doing that, because normally you do it for a while and they give you more trust, they give you more than one day at a time, two days or three days or a week or whatever.
I get what you're saying, and you might be right. But ~in trying... ~I wouldn't get into that whole mess ~of that. ~As far as is she in recovery or not? Is her life stabilizing? Is this person moving into [00:31:00] functional? Are they working? Are they doing better, right? Keep it on what's going on in their life instead of fixating on what are they showing positive for, why they haven't gotten the take home and that kind of thing.
And if there is still an issue, don't speculate, don't accuse, just bring up whatever the issue is in just the way that we talked about, right? If they're not working, then talk about how can we get you back more independent, right? Which is a good way of saying how do we get you working without sounding accusatory.
It's all about not hitting those defensive buttons, right? So hopefully that helps you. ~If they're better. ~If they're functioning and they're doing great, they're doing great, so don't worry about it, right? Don't make a problem where there's not a problem
Joni says, "Any tips for not reacting emotionally when they relapse, try to bait you into a fight, or just bite my tongue in general? I feel like my initial response, I usually regret it." This is super insightful, [00:32:00] Joni, and this happens all the time, and I do have a whole playlist about relapse, and there's a bunch of videos in there about how to handle relapse if you're the family member.
But you're right. The goal here is not to get into a fight. It's about damage control. ~But I hear what you're saying. ~Sometimes they try to pull you into a fight because for a lot of reasons, but mostly because they've fallen back into their old behavior and they're trying to make you fall back into your old behavior.
I call it not getting back on the rollercoaster. Just because they did doesn't mean you have to. So that's your main job. Just try to avoid the conversation. Use your normal techniques. If that doesn't work, then just say what you think is happening, which is not that I think you're using, but that it feels like you're trying to pick a fight with me.
~What's going on? ~So first just try to like not step on any landmines, and then if you can't and they're just like following you around the house, like literally... And I've had clients do this. Like I've literally had sessions where I'm ~like, this client, ~like maybe I haven't seen them six months and it's been great and we have all this great rapport and we have all these conversations, and they come in one day, this has happened to me a lot of times, ~and I'm, ~and they're like saying [00:33:00] all these things trying to get me to argue with them and I can feel it.
And when they do that, a lot of times what I do in that situation is I'll say, "I feel like today is like a rough day. Today's not a great day to talk about this. I'm gonna give you a do-over. I got an opening on Friday. Let's bring you back in on Friday. Let's do this again because I can tell you're stressed out today.
You're tired. You're just not in the mood for this, and I get it." Do-over, right? So I'll just try to get out of the conversation. So that's plan number one. If that doesn't work, then just say, "Hey, are you trying to pick a fight with me? What's going on?" It's a process comment
Kathy says, "How does it become more important than anything else, including relationship with their wife? 20 years of no sex. How? I beg and plead and then give up. Before you know it, it's been forever." It becomes more important than everything else slowly over time, like you're talking about, like over the course of time.
At the moment, it doesn't feel like they're making a choice. They don't feel like I'm choosing this drug or money [00:34:00] or whatever it is over my spouse. In their mind, it feels like they shouldn't have to pick right? So that's part of it, right? But this thing, as far as how addiction works, if it's gotten to the point there's 20 years of no sex, I know this is crude, but sometimes how I measure how addicted someone is, especially if it's a guy, especially if it's a younger guy, and they're just not even interested in sex or dating, it's like, dude, that's how I know you're like, it's really bad.
That means that they don't get any dopamine, any pleasure, any joy, any of those like normal brain rewards from any regular thing, right? And that's bad because it means it's to the point it's overridden our like natural reproduction instincts, which are pretty strong, right? Especially for guys.
It just tells me how bad it is. ~So that as far as how it ends up that way, we can look at the biology. I've got videos on the science of it. That's how it gets there. ~As far as how do you respond to that, it's a different subject area. But mostly what works best is if you have empathy for their situation.
Again, it's something we talk about in the denial breakthrough. I call it like, don't talk to them about how you feel, talk to them about how they [00:35:00] feel. Bring out their own frustrations, their own motivations inside them. ~I hope that helps a little bit. ~Karen says, "How do we motivate to do-- them to do things they used to love, but just binge-watch Netflix and other TV shows?"
This is another really good question, and it relates a lot to what the last person was saying, which is they're not motivated to do anything anymore. And that is because their brain doesn't register those rewards anymore. They literally don't get the dopamine response from regular things they used to do anymore.
So you can encourage them to do those things all day long, and they might do them just to get you off of their back, but they can't experience the joy in that. So you can come at that one of two ways. You can say, "Gosh, you used to really love doing that. You don't even do that much anymore."
So what you're doing is you're just bringing that issue to the surface without trying to tell them how to solve it, without trying to tell them why that is. You don't have to give them the brain talk. Just bring that problem to the surface, 'cause at least it's gonna make them [00:36:00] think, "Yeah, I did used to love doing that anymore," right?
And they may have a million excuses to how they say it to you, but deep down inside, they know something's going on 'cause it, it brings that little seed of truth up to the surface. ~You can do that. ~But just trying to... if they used to be a runner and now they don't run, if they used to fish, w-whatever it is, they used to do Pinterest crafts and they don't care, just trying to get them to do those things is not gonna be effective, 'cause literally they don't have the brain neurobiology to experience joy from those things anymore.
All right. Brie says we're to the end of our time. You guys are awesome. You brought me really good questions as usual. ~I feel like the longer I do this, the harder the questions I get in these Lives, which just tells me you guys are getting smarter and smarter, so I love it. You guys are awesome. ~And again, the link to Denial Breakthrough is in the description below if you wanna check that out.
And I will see you guys back here next week. We're live every Thursday at 1:00. If you're watching the playback but you wanna be on live, it's Thursdays at 1:00 PM Eastern right here on the channel. We're live. And we also release videos every Tuesday. So I'll see you guys soon. Bye, [00:37:00] everybody.
