Boundaries 101: How to Love an Addict Without Burning Out
Setting Boundaries with a Loved One Struggling with Addiction: Avoid These 3 Common Mistakes
Loving someone with an addiction is incredibly difficult and heartbreaking. Of course, you want to help them, but you also have to protect yourself. And as you probably already know, that can be very, very challenging. Keep reading to discover crucial tips on avoiding the top three most common boundary mistakes—and what to do instead.
These top three boundary mistakes might not be what you’re expecting, so stay with me—there’s logic behind them.
Boundary Mistake #1: Setting Too Many Boundaries
When you love someone with an addiction, their substance use impacts not just them but you, too. It’s completely natural to want to control their behavior in an attempt to shield yourself from the chaos. This often leads to setting too many boundaries—rules about what they can and cannot do, expecting them to comply.
But here’s the catch: boundaries are about what you will and won’t accept, not about controlling someone else’s behavior. When you try to enforce too many boundaries, you enter a power struggle that usually leaves you frustrated, exhausted, and ineffective.
The Problem with Setting Boundaries You Can’t Enforce
A classic example? Saying, If I find alcohol or drugs in this house one more time, you’re out! The reality is that if you’re allowing someone with an addiction to live in your home, they are going to bring substances in, maybe not inside the house, but in their car, the backyard, or somewhere else nearby.
When you set a boundary like this but don’t follow through, your credibility is weakened. And if you do enforce it, you may find yourself making a decision you weren’t truly ready for.
What to Do Instead:
Set flexible but firm boundaries that focus on your well-being rather than attempting to control their actions. For example:
๐ “I know you’re working through some things, and I believe you’ll figure it out. But if the situation starts to negatively impact my life or others in this house, I will have to take action.”
This approach allows you to assess each situation individually without feeling locked into an all-or-nothing response.
Boundary Mistake #2: Setting Boundaries in Anger
This mistake is incredibly common, and it makes sense why. When someone you love struggles with addiction, you often feel a mix of frustration, hurt, and exhaustion. After repeatedly watching them break promises and cross lines, it’s easy to snap and set a hard boundary in a moment of anger.
The problem? When you communicate boundaries from a place of anger, the other person’s fight-or-flight response kicks in. Instead of hearing your message, they become defensive and dig their heels in.
What to Do Instead:
Yes, you may need to reach a breaking point before setting a boundary—but don’t communicate it in anger. Take time to calm down first, then express it in a neutral and firm way.
๐ Instead of shouting, “That’s it! I’m done! You’re out of here!” try saying, “I’ve thought a lot about this, and I need to make a change for my own well-being. Moving forward, I can’t allow XYZ to happen anymore.”
When you present boundaries calmly, they are far more likely to be respected (even if the other person doesn’t like them).
Boundary Mistake #3: Lacking Empathy When Setting Boundaries
Boundaries can feel like ultimatums, but they don’t have to be harsh. One of the biggest mistakes people make is failing to acknowledge the impact a boundary will have on the person with addiction.
What to Do Instead:
A little empathy goes a long way. Before stating a boundary, acknowledge how it may affect them:
๐ “I know this is going to be really hard for you, and I wish things were different. But I have to make this decision for my own health and well-being.”
This doesn’t mean bending your boundaries or making exceptions—it simply means recognizing their struggle. When people feel heard and understood, they are less likely to resist or react with hostility.
Bonus Mistake: Expecting Them to Like Your Boundaries
You don’t like setting boundaries, and they’re definitely not going to like them either. And that’s okay.
Too often, people set a boundary and then get upset when their loved one reacts negatively. But let’s be real: nobody likes rules and limitations. Instead of expecting an agreement, prepare for pushback.
You can make boundaries easier to accept by avoiding anger and showing empathy, but at the end of the day, you need to hold firm—even if they don’t like it.
Final Thoughts: When (and How) to Set Boundaries
Not everything requires a hard boundary. My colleague, Kim (a family recovery specialist), breaks it down into three categories:
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Boundaries – Limits that protect your well-being (“I will not give you money.”)
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Requests – Asking someone to change behavior (“I’d appreciate it if you let me know when you’ll be home.”)
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Information Updates – Keeping someone in the loop without expectations (“I won’t be available to talk after 9 PM.”)
Understanding these differences helps prevent boundary overload and allows you to focus on what truly matters—your own well-being and peace of mind.
Amber Hollingsworth
The Truth About Alcohol and Anxiety: Breaking the Cycle
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