Things People With Addictions Say to Try and Gaslight You 😫
If you have an addicted loved one and hear any of these statements, you are being manipulated.
We're going to look at gaslighting from the loved one's perspective. If you have an addicted loved one and say things like this to you, this is gaslighting.
If you've never heard that term before, it's where someone purposefully makes you feel like you're crazy.
There are a lot of ways this happens. Let's start with like the classic of all classics.
#1
Let's say that you find drugs, alcohol, paraphernalia, whatever it is. You confront your loved one with it. They're going to say, "I forgot about that. That's been there forever!" or "That's my friends, it's not even mine!"
That is super classic.
You probably already know that's not true because you probably looked in that spot recently and knew it wasn't there, but they're going to make you doubt your sanity by telling you that. Then you're going to think, well, maybe it is old, and you're going to question. Before you know it, you're down this other rabbit hole, questioning your sanity. You feel like you're the bad guy, which is the purpose of this manipulation.
Their goal is to shift it off them and onto you, deflecting the energy.
#2
"You knew I was like this when you met me. You knew I liked to drink when we got married!" Or another version might be, "I told you I've had addiction problems in my past." They make you feel like you're crazy. Like you had an informed consent walking into this.
Even if they had a history of addiction, you probably didn't understand the magnitude.
Again, this is a deflection designed to throw you off base.
A lot of these that I'm going to name for you have a tiny little bit of truth or merit in them, which gives it gaslighting power because you stop and you think, well, I guess they did tell me that. Well, I did know that. But you know that this is an exaggeration. It's out of context, and you know, it is being used as a statement to deflect the conversation.
#3
"You're the only one who feels this way. You're so uptight. Like no one else thinks this is a problem, except you." These versions make you think it's you, not them, or not the addiction.
#4
"It's not me that's changed. It's you. We used to go out and have fun together. Now, you decide that you want to be a Saint and sit at home and never do anything. You don't want me to have a life, and you're blaming me and saying there's something wrong with me."
Again, this might have a teensy bit of merit. Maybe you did go out and party it up just like the other person. However, in life, there are normal developmental stages. When you get older, it's not appropriate to be living like a rockstar. It's not an unreasonable expectation.
#5 is a biggie.
"It's because you're so controlling, nagging, preaching. It's the whole reason I drink or use. It's because of you! You drive me crazy."
Once again, placing the blame on you.
Now I do have videos on my channel for family members about how being controlling can be pretty counterproductive. You probably should go about it differently. However, it's still unfair to make it your fault.
#6
When you've caught somebody with something they shouldn't have or being somewhere they shouldn't be, the person will often tell you, "I already told you about that. You never even listen to me. I told you last week I was going out to have some drinks." It makes you think? Like, did I already know about that? Maybe they did tell me that, and they'll be so convincing?
#7
"You're turning everyone against me. You talk to everybody else and tell them what's going on. You're just trying to turn everyone against me. What is your problem? Are you trying to run my life and humiliate me now?"
I have some videos that will tell you that you probably shouldn't be going around talking to everyone else about the problem. It's not the best strategy.
However, they can't make it your fault.
#8
"you are a paranoid lunatic. You are constantly trying to catch me in a lie. Like, is that your whole life's mission? Like that's what you do all day. You go around and snoop my stuff and try to catch me doing something wrong. Don't you have better things to do?"
There might be a little truth in that you might've turned into a paranoid lunatic, but there's probably some good reason why you turned into a paranoid lunatic.
Takeaway
If you're stuck in a situation like this and want to know how to identify it and get out of it, I've got two things for you:
There are a lot of FREE resources that are designed specifically for family members or people who have loved ones struggling with addiction.
Secondly, this video is to help you understand even more in-depth ways to identify manipulation and what to do.
Amber Hollingsworth
Watch these videos next:
5 Ways You Could Be Enabling Someone Else's Addiction!
Real-Life Examples of What To Do When Someone Is Breaking Your Boundaries!
