Why People Get Defensive (And Why Pushing Harder Usually Makes It Worse)

Maybe you're trying to tell your spouse their drinking has become a problem.

Maybe you're trying to tell your partner your relationship isn't healthy anymore.

Maybe you're trying to convince the other parent that your child needs help.

Or maybe you're trying to point out something the whole family can see, but nobody wants to talk about.

Whatever the situation, the conversation usually goes the same way.

You bring it up.

They get defensive.

They shut down.

They get angry.

They criticize your tone instead of responding to what you're saying.

And before long, you're sitting there wondering:

"Why won't they just listen?"

If you've ever found yourself asking that question, you're not alone.

In fact, most people make the exact same mistake when someone won't hear them.

They assume they just haven't found the right words yet.

Better Words Aren't Always Better Communication

When someone resists what...

Why Do I Keep Lying About My Drinking? The Truth About Addiction, Shame, and Your Brain

If you’re here, you’ve probably looked someone you love in the eye and lied about your drinking, using, or other addictive behavior.

Maybe you said you only had two drinks when it was eight.
Maybe you promised you were done.
Maybe you hid bottles.
Maybe you had entire conversations you don’t even remember.

And maybe the worst part?

Sometimes you actually believed what you were saying.

Or maybe you knew they could see right through you — but you said it anyway because what else were you supposed to say?

If you’re sitting there thinking,
“I don’t even know who I am anymore,”
this is for you.

You are not a monster.
You are not evil.
And you are not beyond help.

But something is happening in your brain that makes honesty — especially with yourself — incredibly hard.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on.

The Moment Before You Drink (Where the Cycle Actually Begins)

Addiction doesn’t start with...

People frequently discuss the low success rate of addiction treatment centers, which is generally below 20%. This seems insufficient, especially considering the high cost of these centers. However, the issue is not that their programs are ineffective or provide poor guidance.

Addiction treatment centers may have the necessary counselors and resources, but their success rates in achieving long-term recovery are low. This is because they often neglect the most crucial factor for long-term recovery.

That factor is motivation.

Addiction treatment centers can improve their ability to address an individual's motivation to recover by avoiding the assumption that every patient is inherently motivated to be there. Additionally, staff should not accept that they cannot assist someone until they are completely committed to recovery.

If someone is not benefiting from addiction treatment, it may be because they are not fully committed to sobriety. However, there is a specific rationale behind...

After working in addiction and recovery treatment for almost 20 years, there are some not-so-pretty truths about the behind-the-scenes of the addiction treatment industry.
I want to help you understand this to be better equipped to pick the right help for you or a loved one.

The Diverse Treatment Options
One of the first things I want you to know is that there are different types of addiction treatment, from counseling to psychiatry, intensive outpatient programs, partial hospitalization programs, sober living, detox, recovery communities, and not-for-profit programs.
The first thing you need to do is educate yourself about what kind of options are out there.
When someone is ready to get help, they jump at whatever option is right in front of them.
I see this scenario play out often, and they usually don't make strategic decisions, which can waste a lot of time and money.
You only get so many shots at this and there are pros and cons to every single option.

I wrote an insider's guide on ...