Do Addicts/Alcoholics Regret Losing You?
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[00:00:00] You pour your heart into them, your money, your time, your energy, your prayers, and sometimes it just doesn't seem to work and you have to make the decision to back up and save yourself, but you wonder. Do they regret it? Do they get it? Do they understand why I had to back up? Like, do they see the chaos this has caused at all?
Well, today we're going to answer that question for you right now, actually, and the answer is not really. Maybe a little bit eventually. And I know that's kind of a wishy-washy answer and I hate to give you wishy-washy counselor type answers. So I'm going to break it down for you and tell you a little bit more about what I'm saying and why I'm saying that.
But before I do want to just put a little disclaimer out there because I know people like to get all upset. When I say something, but. I'm not talking about any one specific person here. Obviously I can't read any one specific person's mind. , but the information I'm giving you , [00:01:00] is sort of like the collective data and information and experience I've had over 20 years of helping people who have addictions.
So what I can tell you about it is in general, when you. Like back up. Maybe you leave, maybe you ask them to leave, maybe you block their phone number. But basically you detach from this person in general. They don't feel like they regret it. They feel mad at you because when you have an addiction, You're sort of stuck in this self-pity and resentment mode, and that's part of the twisted thinking process.
Even if you don't have resentment towards the loved one who leaves, at the most, you have like a self-pity even of like, I can't even help it. And you feel sorry for yourself because of that. So in general, when the loved one leaves, they don't really regret it now. Eventually, if they get sober and their thinking clears, [00:02:00] eventually, a lot of them do regret it, and they can see things a lot more clearly, but in the moment at the time, and while they're still actively out there doing what they're doing, I'll be honest with you, they usually don't.
Now, sometimes they'll say they do, but they don't regret it or mean it or feel it the same way that you mean it. What they normally think is how unfair it is and how you're being unreasonable. You know, they tend to have thoughts about, why can't you just accept me for me?
Or, what's the big deal? This makes me happy. Why can't you just let me have this one thing? You know, I hear these kind of statements all the time. Or they think that you're just overreacting and you're making a big deal about something that's not really a big deal.
Or they think, I don't know what your problem is because I'm not hurting anybody but myself. It's my life. I can do what I want to. These are the kind of thoughts that they have or they have this thought of.[00:03:00] I know I'm messing up, but I'm going to get my life together and this is just temporary and just give me another chance.
I'm working on it. But I know that you didn't make the decision to back up lightly. No one does. I'm pretty sure that you spent a long time, usually for most people, years and years trying to help trying to get through to this person. Now I want you to know that. Even though I'm telling you what they think, what most of them think, and it's not pretty, and maybe it's not the answer that you want to hear.
I do also want to throw in that I'm not saying that because I think that people who have addictions are. Mean or lack empathy or anything like that. But the nature of addiction changes the brain in such a way that it doesn't allow you to feel connection the same way that you would normally. It doesn't allow you to have empathy the same way you would normally.
It doesn't allow you to experience joy and happiness. It's just their brain is functioning.[00:04:00] Very differently. They don't see things the way that you see things, and it's really hard to describe because it's like on one level they get it and on another level they totally don't get it. And it's like, They have both things happening in the brain at the same time, but there's no bridge of connection in between, and most of us have had a little piece of experience with this.
If we think back to it, like, you know, have you ever, maybe when you were younger and you were a teenager and you treated your parents really crappy, or you chose to run off with some boy, even though you know you hurt someone else or something like that. We've all had that experience where we were just so.
Hell bent on something like our mind made up and focused and determined, we're going to get what we're going to get. That it's like we have blinders on and we don't see the ramifications, the consequences of it. Like literally the part of the brain that allows you to weigh the consequences is impacted by the addiction.
, so it's like [00:05:00] they don't have that capacity. We talked about how if you're in a fight, flight or freeze state you lack the ability to feel true connection with other people, because you kind of have to be in this like, Optimal state of like calmness and safety to be able to really connect with other people in your life to be able to really feel empathy and have an exchange of feelings there.
And when you're in addiction, you're constantly not in that optimal zone. You're in flight. Flight or you're high, or you're in withdrawal or you're something and you really just have. Either no time in that zone or very little time in that zone. Occasionally depends on the substance. People will tell me, well, sometimes when my loved one gets high or they're drinking, they'll like, get really honest with me and we'll have these deep conversations and we'll connect.
And my thinking about why that happens is because with the [00:06:00] right amount of substance, that's when they get to that optimal zone. But it's very brief. A lot of times they miss that mark. It's like they , they overshoot it. And it doesn't last for very long because it's either too much or too little.
I don't stay in that sweet spot very much. I've heard this a lot of times, like, you know, when my husband's drinking he's actually nicer. And some of that's because when he is not drinking, he's in withdrawal. So just understanding the brain state will help you at least get a glimpse at why they feel and think what they feel and think.
Now a lot of times they'll regret like, Losing the benefits, , I don't know, like money or the place to live or the car or something like that. But mostly in order to protect themselves from feeling the shame and guilt over it, they turn it on you and they mostly resent you and feel mad at you.
And I know that's really hard to hear as a loved one, especially when you've. Towards your heart, your soul, your time, your money, everything into this [00:07:00] person. And you've tried like heck, but it just is the way it is. And another thing that I didn't mention about why they feel that way is because.
Usually, unless you've been watching like all these videos and getting yourself out of the bad guy roll like I tell you to do, usually by the time you back up and leave, it's been a lot of chaos, fighting, screaming, yelling, threatening ultimatums, nagging preaching, all this stuff, right? Begging and. They're just tired of you.
So that's another reason they don't regret it, because secretly in the back of their head, their addiction wants you to go away. Like it wants your money, it wants you to continue to enable, but it wants you to shut up and leave them alone. Like that's what the addiction says in the back of their head. So secretly sometimes kind of glad that you're gone.
And I know it hurts hard to say that because I know it hurts your heart to hear it, but. It's kind of true. It's one of the reasons why getting out of that bad eye roll works so effectively because then that little, you know, that addiction, that monster mouth, that little thing on your shoulder that's telling you a bunch of lies [00:08:00] can't really put you in that bad guy roll anymore.
So if you have done all the things like I teach you guys to do as the family members gotten out of the bag, guy roll, you've listened, you've lot of the consequences, stuff like that, and then it doesn't work. You have to leave. That is when they will sort of see it for what it is and regret it. But if you've left and it's been nothing but fighting and anger and they can still find a reason to blame you for everything, they're probably not going to regret it.
Now, like I said, most of the time when people sober up, their thinking gets a little bit more clear. And sometimes they'll say that to you or make an amends, and sometimes they won't. Sometimes it's hard for them to even admit it. But deep down inside they feel that and they know that but usually not till after they're sober.
What are your thoughts? Do you have any experience with this? All right, it's coming in the chat here.
Hey Kathy. Let's see. Kathy says, I have a grown son that went from being a responsible adult with an excellent job and a licensed plumber to selling meth and [00:09:00] addiction to meth. He doesn't treat me very good at all. Prayers. It's crazy. I know Kathy because it's like they're not the same person I.
And that's what's so maddening about it. And then occasionally you'll like get little tiny glimpses of the person and it makes it even harder because it's like, I know they're in there and I see them occasionally, but most of the time it's like they're a totally different human being. And I was having this conversation with someone just this week.
This was a spouse. And their addicted loved one had been doing really good for months and things were great and they were like, life was going on. And then that person relapsed and it's like it never happened. It's like everything they had said and believed before about, I know I have an alcohol problem, I don't ever want to drink again, and all that stuff.
Like totally gone like. Overnight. And it's amazing, even for me as a counselor, every time I see it, it blows my mind it's like, dude, yesterday you were in here saying this, and today you're in here saying this. And like, when you're talking to them, you know, they totally believe what they were saying yesterday.
And you [00:10:00] know, they totally believe what they're saying today. So it's just mind boggling to watch it happen and for it to happen. So. Quickly. Have you guys seen that? Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Either from personal experience or from watching it from the outside as a friend or a loved one, or even a counselor.
Let's see. SS says, mine told me that she doesn't regret what she did to me. Our entire relationship built on lies and gaslighting. Yet all I did was love her unconditionally. That's hard. That's like, you know, that's like a dagger in the heart. It's very painful to hear that. I'm sorry.
Hopefully someday maybe the person will get some insight and see things a little differently. Let's see. Jodi says, Mine called yesterday, after I disconnected over two months ago, told me the same old, and I refused to call 'em back and I'm holding my boundaries.
Good for you. If they're, you know, if they're reconnecting and they're just saying the same old thing, it's not going to be any different. I mean, it could be eventually, but when they're still saying the same old thing, it's not going to be different right now. I never [00:11:00] say that someone's never going to get better because people surprise me all the time.
People get better from addiction all the time. If they didn't, I wouldn't do this work. I wouldn't pour my heart into it if I didn't think people get better. But you can kind of tell like, are we on that path or we're not on that path. That's what Jodi's saying. She can say, oh, I can tell we're still not on that path.
And so Jodi's making a wise decision.
Cody says, I drink six to eight tall boys a day. And I can tell my girlfriend has had enough. I watch your channel all the time and you're spot on about everything. Cody, I think it takes a lot of humility to even watch this video, you know, to be able to look at yourself in the state you're in and say, I know I'm doing this.
And it's not the right thing. And I know I'm hurting my girlfriend. I mean, I have like mad respect for you for even watching this YouTube channel, because if you're watching this channel, then you have a good idea about what the family's going through. And so what that tells me is you've got some serious motivation to change that you actually get it and that you're insightful and that you do want to change.
[00:12:00] So my guess is you're pretty close. What's holding you back? Cody? Because if you're watching this channel, you want it to change because the things I say on here are not easy to hear. So it means you're willing to take a look at yourself. So what's keeping you stuck?
SS says this is in addition to the one comment we made earlier, I never got out into the bad guy role until we broke up and I realized she lied to me. Now, after reconnecting with my ex, I might subconsciously be wanting to stick around to see that regret. Ooh. That was also very insightful.
That's a mistake, and I can tell by reading it that you know that even as you're writing that you're saying, you know, maybe I'm just like, Keep on like staying close to this fire thinking it's going to change. Yeah, that's probably a mistake because it's just hurtful. Every day that goes by that it's not different.
My husband who is now locked up is begging me to say, but I'm so over it. I get it. Sometimes it feels like it's just too little, too late. What I can tell you if you're wondering is it sincere or not, you know, maybe sincere that they don't want you to leave, [00:13:00] but what you're looking for, isn't that what you're looking for is do you get it?
Do you have insight? Do you know what the problem is? Are you willing to take steps to fix it? Do you know what you need to do to fix it? That's what you need to be listening for. If you or anybody listening is considering, well, maybe they mean it. Then you need to be listening for that. It needs to be more than baby.
Please don't leave me. Okay? Because if not, it's going to be the same world. Same o who said that earlier? They're right.
Silent sister says, Hey, Amber, so grateful for you. It's so complex in our family, a lifetime of walking on both sides of the coin. I'm learning how to play addiction, chess. I like it. Well, from your tireless caring for this culture. Yes. It's a chess game. That's right. You get it. I love it. Five steps ahead.
Let's see. My son moved out and I have been able to stay positive until today. He's not graduating high school, but they will let him walk. I've been so mad at him and it came out today. I feel like I backtracked.
You know what, it's just grief [00:14:00] and it being graduation is a trigger. You guys know Campbell? She's our parent family coach. And I don't know if you guys have seen any of her videos, but she talks sometimes about when she was in the middle of it and her son, she had two sons that were going through it.
And the way she tells it, it's just funny. That's why I'm smiling, but she's like, dude, I hated everybody. She tells the story, she's like, I was at the Y on the treadmill. And I would look out the window and I would see like an old couple coming in looking happy, and I'd be like, I hate them because they're not going through this.
And I would see a young couple walking in and I would think, they don't even know they're not even there yet. And you know, you would get letters about your friends kids graduating or prom pictures or, and it just hits that button every time. And what that is, it's just grief. And I wouldn't say that you've backtracked, I'd say you're having a hard day for a good reason.
And it's a trigger and it's just a reminder of loss. And what it is it's. Loss of dream. That's what Campbell calls it. You know, it's that [00:15:00] reminder of the vision you had, that you poured your heart and your soul into this kid, and it's not working out the way you thought it would. And it's scary and it's sad, and it's a trigger.
Let's see here.
Alex says, my grown son is addicted, says he can stop anytime. Does skip a little? Treats me with respect. I have put him out of the house many times. I have a question. If he treats you with respect, why have you put him out of the house many times? I mean, I'm guessing there's a reason. I'm just wondering what it is.
Like, is he stealing, is he causing chaos in the house? I'm guessing there's probably some reason.
Lindsay says she knows what I'm talking about when I say those glimpses. Yeah, you see those little glimpses, you know it's them like you can feel it and then it just doesn't last long and it makes you crazy. I know.
Vicky says, I thought my loved one stepped away from meth a year ago, but I found out two days ago he's been using the whole year. I feel deceived, but I'm not beating myself up. Good for you, Vicky. I don't know if you saw last week's live video, but it was on betrayal trauma. If you didn't, you might want to take a [00:16:00] look at that, because probably a little bit of what you're experiencing right now, which is really crummy.
Karen says, so glad I tuned in. My son is getting out of jail and coming home Saturday. Again, I guess I better not expect anything new or have an honest to goodness talk with him about what I would like. I guess what I say to you, Karen is hopefully you've been talking to him like I When you say jail, I don't know if he's like just been in jail like.
Over the weekend or he is been in for a long time. If he's been in for a long time, I would assume you've had conversations with him. And you can tell when you talk to somebody if they've really had the change of heart, like they really get it more than just like they're talking the good talk. You know what I mean?
So you should know before he gets there what frame of mind he's in. And just one more thought, Karen is I have a video, I can't remember what it's called, but it's an older video of mine and it's about don't make a home contract, because I know you're probably tempted to like, when he gets home, we'll sit him down.
We'll talk to him about the rules. We'll tell 'em what's up and he better follow these rules or else don't do that. Watch that video. It'll [00:17:00] explain why they'll tell you what to do instead. All right. We have Lindsay hello. Hello? Yeah, you're here. Hi. Thanks for it what's on your mind today, Lindsey? Well, thank you for taking live, I'm really enjoying your videos. They've been such a helpful resource for me. You when you were bringing up about the glimpses that really struck home with me my husband's been dealing with an alcohol addiction and it's been wreaking havoc on our family.
Very recently married, and when you talked about glimpses, I found that throughout him, Going through his addiction and admitting the addiction and then going clean and sober. Cold Turkey, unfortunately, without any type of. Help through that process. But I would find that quite often I would get glimpses of him and think, okay, this time he's got it, everything's going to be okay.
But then I would find that very quickly those things would retreat back into old patterns within hours the next morning. And it was heartbreaking to go through that. It is, and in my mind, I know this is probably [00:18:00] sort of a morbid analogy, but in my mind it's. It's like they're possessed, like on the old possession movies and it's like sometimes you can tell you're talking to them and sometimes you can tell you're not talking to them.
You know what I mean? Right. It's just like, you know, let me talk to my loved one. You know, like, and you can see that addiction just arguing with you, you know, saying nasty things, all that stuff. And it's maddening. It really was, I began to question my sanity and would quite often ask him, you know, where's my husband?
And he's gone already. And I think that was the most heartbreaking part of it. He is just recently entered a 30 day in treatment patient facility. And so we are seeing changes there and that's great. I think a lot of it was underlying coping mechanisms of some and things of which alcohol was just a cover for that.
So your channel's really helped me to be able to understand that, but I'd never heard you talk about glimpses before. I'm like, oh my gosh, that's exactly what I've been going through. Yeah. It takes several running tries at this thing to really get [00:19:00] it right. So probably when he is had these moments and you get these glimpses and he's really being vulnerable or sharing with you.
You can see him. I don't want you to say, well, did I just fall for a crap? You can feel when someone's being legit with you. So exactly. When you say it's a glimpse and it's a glimpse because you can tell when they're just saying this stuff versus when they're being open with you. I can feel it in the office and I don't even know them as well as like, you know them, so.
Right. So it's true. It is. It's just that, it's not that they don't mean it, it's just that the. The brain chemistry's so far up and down and there's just so much more involved. But the fact that he's going to a 30 day program yeah, is a really good time because no one goes to a 30 day program unless they are like really trying, because that's a pretty big commitment.
You know, that's not, I'll go talk to this counselor one time. You know, that's like, I'm going to put a serious try into this. So that's really good time. Agreed. And the problem for me has been a lot of resentment. Been, I've been forced into the caregiver role or that's where I gravitate [00:20:00] to naturally. And I've been sort of all consumed with this.
And him even entering into the treatment program was sort of a last for me. I was like, okay, the wait list on our area for a public one is going to be 15 weeks. Our marriage won't survive that long. What are you going to do here? And he chose for that and he really is working that It's for me to build trust again.
I don't even know where to start. Yeah, well, I think that him going is a place to start, right? It's because it's going to help you know that he is serious and that he is trying. It doesn't mean that he is going to get it perfect, but it does probably mean that he really is trying and the fact that he's tried and failed several times before is actually good.
It's more likely that this 30 day will take, if he hadn't had a lot of trials before and he was in the 30 day, he'd probably have some bargaining left in there. Right, right. That's what I'm hoping. Yeah, that's what I think. Yeah. There was no other places to go. And I see that change in him and more and more I'm letting [00:21:00] go of things I need to control, you know, him. Treatment because that just hasn't been helpful. You know, he has to come to that on his own. It just wasn't in my timing and I've had to struggle with, you know, with pro that. Yeah. And I like what you said about because I think it's really true for a lot of us, is like, I'm in that caregiver role and that's what happens when you're like in the partner spousal, you get in this parentified zone.
And you start being like their mom or their dad instead of like their partner. It's really hard not to because it feels like you're dealing with a kid. Just be honest, you know? I get it. But that's what creates that good cop, right. You know, like, like you're the probation officer and they're like the probably or something, you know?
Yeah. And getting out of that. Yes, exactly. To tune in and own my part in things and having your resources has really helped me make sense of my world, because I've come to question everything. Yeah. So it's been helpful to be like, okay, this is actually typical, because to me, I feel insane, especially being able to try to explain this to other people.
Good luck, you know? Yeah. [00:22:00] It's like a whole different universe, isn't it? Yeah. Really is. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you Amber. I really appreciate. Thank you. Thanks for coming on and sharing that. And I feel pretty hopeful about your situation. I hope you do too. I kinda have that hope. It's a scary place.
Place for me with my own challenges with my mental health. It's deciding where my boundaries are and what I can continue to allow. So I'm working on that for 30 days. He's got it. I love it. Thank you, Lindsay.
Aaron says, Hey bro, I would be so grateful if you could make a video about when both spouses have an addiction and enable each other in their addictions and what to do. Aaron, I made this video. At least, it's like more than a year ago. I have to find it, but it was a video where I interviewed this couple who live in Canada and both of them had an opioid addiction and both of them got sober, which like literally I.
They like all the things I say can't happen. They totally did. It's a good video to watch. One of them used Suboxone and one of them used methadone. And that's kind of what I was talking about in the video is like this path versus this path. But they talk a lot [00:23:00] about the dynamics and how many times they tried, you know, and it didn't work before it did work.
And what it's like to be stuck in that, because if you both have addiction at the same time. Dude, that's really hard because it's like, You know, each one of you sitting there waiting for the other one to say, you know, it's like you make these promises, okay, we're not doing it again.
You know, you made this like team agreement, but then both of you're sitting there waiting for the other one to say, Hey, do you want to, and you just want like the other one to say it first, which I know, it's really hard. So. I used to say it probably can't happen, but you know what?
It can happen. But you're both going to have to put some serious work into it and you need some resources outside of each other. You know, you can't just be relying on each other to be the strong anchor because you're both struggling. So bring in some other supports that you each have individually so that if one of you goes down, the other one still has some people and vice versa.
Let's see here. Silent sister says, no one's quitting addictions until the desire for sobriety outweighs the desire for substance [00:24:00] people. Things can find some self-respect, worth and love. Nothing else matters more than the escape. Yeah I definitely think what you're talking about is those scales have to tip, you know, the cons have to outweigh the pros.
That's one of the things, you know, you have to get where it's like, this ain't working for me anymore. You know, it is costing me too much. That's one thing. And then the other thing, some second piece to it is you have to really understand. That you can't control it because even once you realize that the cons outweigh the pros, you still keep going through this process of thinking, if I could just do it this way, or what if I only do that or only on the weekends you go through all that bargaining where you're still trying to control it.
So it's the two pieces. One, it's not worth it anymore. It's messing my life up. Two I'm going to have to let it go completely because otherwise I'm going to stay on this chaos train. But you're right. Let's see.
Liliana says,
do they change that way of thinking when they are sober? My husband is one month sober, but still thinks and acts that way. Is there any [00:25:00] hope with time? Yes, there is hope with time and one month sober is really just like, Barely, you know, it's just like barely beginning for the brain. Chemicals to normalize.
The more you stay out of the bad guy role in the policing role, the faster they'll figure it out. And also if the person is you know, like attending a 12 step or attending some counseling or something like that, so that they're gaining some wisdom and insight, not just that they're like abstinent, but that they're working on it, that will also increase the chances.
Oh, let me say one more thing, Liliana. If the person that you're talking about, you know, this person has humility, like they can admit when they were wrong, like at least you saw it before the addiction, then they probably will. If this person, even with or without the addiction, doesn't really have humility and they don't admit on their own, there probably isn't going to happen sober or not.
So it's like, do they have the capacity that weighs into the formula?
Matt says, currently trying my best to get Al addiction, go back to drugs because of withdrawals, then I'm the bad guy. Subs don't [00:26:00] fully work, are scared to be stuck in withdrawals because switching between them both. So what you're saying, Matt, is like, you must have an opiate addiction and you're talking about Suboxone, so it's like you're going back and forth between the two.
I mean, the Suboxone should work. I mean, I've seen people who were using. Ridiculous amount, like crazy, ridiculous amounts and the Suboxone can stabilize it. So I would look at the dose and then I would look at taking it consistently. because what you may be doing, and it sounds like it's possible, Matt, and first lemme say this, I should have said this first.
I'm not a doctor, can't tell you what to take or not take. Like literally I have no medicine prescribing anything. So it's just a personal opinion. Okay. But. You're probably, and it sounds like you are worried that you're going to be dependent on the Suboxone, so maybe you're not taking it like you're supposed to or something like that.
And you're right, you will get dependent on the Suboxone, and I'm not saying it's for everyone. I'm not telling you should do it, it's just that you already are doing it. So if you're going to do it the right way, I guess is what I'm saying. Because it can stabilize [00:27:00] you, it can get you out of that like, Every four or five hour withdrawal cycle, which will allow you to get some things working in your life so that you can stabilize enough to eventually be able to come off of it.
And then the last thing, I have a video on the channel about Sublocade. I don't know if you know what that is, Matt, but it's like the injectable form of Suboxone. It last like a month and it seems like it's the newest thing out there, so. But it seems like people are able to come off of that easier than just the regular.
So check out that video if you want to. Let's see here.
Yvonne says, this resonates so much with me. I just had to kick out my loved one and now they are just standing by while the kids and I lose our house, and they blame me for it. Yeah, I mean, It is just hard as a loved one because you feel like you've done everything and you still get like the, all the blame, like it's still all your fault and it's just symptomatic of addiction.
Those of you who are in recovery or who are trying to get in [00:28:00] recovery, cause several of you I can see in the chat are who watched this channel. I can't tell you how much like respect I have for you because it's like you're willing to look at like, Hard stuff. If you can watch this channel, you can do recovery because listening to this video right here is painful and it's hard to hear.
It's hard to admit some of these things. So if you're watching it, I'm telling you right now, you have what it takes. because what it takes is humility and honesty and you're tolerating it. So, you're almost there. It takes a lot. Even for people in recovery who are already out of it, still takes a lot to be like, yep, the hell was me.
You know, it takes a lot of humility and willingness. Fresha says, Hey Amber. My husband says he needs help. He says he wants to change, but he even says he will go to rehab and told me to set it up when he is high, but the next morning he doesn't want to talk about it, but you can tell he is trying to stay clean until he relapses and one to two weeks later, you know what, it's probably those glimpses.
It's probably when you catch 'em in the right. [00:29:00] Level of being high, which sounds crazy. It is like their brain because it's on fire. When it's in withdrawal, when it's soothed enough, it almost feels like a moment of clarity there, but you know, then it, what's happening to your husband is like probably if you say he has that when he is high, but then he is like, you can tell he is trying to stay sober on his own for a while.
What is happening is he's not saying, nevermind, I'm going to use, he's saying, I can do this on my own, I can do this. I don't need to go to rehab. That's probably what's happening in your case and. People have to try to do it on their own. In fact, I have to suggest people try to do it on their own first before trying to go to rehab.
because no one wants to do that. But if you can't and there's a lot of reasons why maybe you can't, doesn't mean you don't mean it, or you're not strong, then you make the choice to go to rehab. So it sounds like maybe he's in that process and he's getting there.
Jodi says, is rock bottom different for everyone? Is it possible for someone to never see when they've actually hit rock bottom at this point? I'm not sure what it's going to take. Have you done a video on that? I [00:30:00] sure have. I have a lot of videos on rock bottom, and I'll give you the quick version, but you can see the long version on some of the other videos, but I don't believe in rock bottom.
Rock bottom is the idea that. If the consequences are bad enough, the person will stop using. Well, the definition of addiction is continued use despite consequences. Think about it. We see people lose their freedom, lose their kids, lose their home, shelter, jobs, money, dignity, everything, and they continue to use.
So if you're waiting for, if it gets bad enough, this person will stop. That's not exactly the case. There's a teeny grain of truth in that, and that grain of truth is usually after something kind of bad happens, the person might have one of these like moments of clarity I call it, where the window opens and they say, I need to change.
So sometimes the pain of that can cause us to rethink and to be open to change. But we have to take action in [00:31:00] that window moment for it to stick, even if we mean it. But actually in my experience, the worst the consequences get, the less likely because sometimes it's just so bad and you've just lost everything and you've dug a hole so deep, you just feel hopeless.
You just feel like you can never get out. And a lot of people that get that far in they just like, Reside themselves to like, this is just me. I'm just an addict. Like I'm just going to die of this thing. And they just like give into it. So I'm not a big weight to bottom kind of person. That's why this channel is called put show down as in you hit your bottom when you put your show down.
Yeah, you don't have to go way down. You can stop right now and be done and move forward. All you have to do is know that you will hit a bottom. Most people hit a bunch of bottoms before they stop, actually. So I hope that's helpful for you.
Let's see,
Robin says, so grateful for your videos. I'm working on getting out of the bag overall, the latest video on the Polyvagal Theory and Betrayal Trauma Work Change [00:32:00] works on a change of my heart. That's good. Yeah, those videos. I love the polyvagal because it kind of explains what's going on with them and I love the trauma the betrayal trauma, because it kind of explains what's going on with you and if you put those two things together, you start to make sense of it.
Right. Robin?
Acadia says, I can say the best change I saw was my husband's second round of 30 day inpatient. There have been some minor relapses, but the bounce back from those are so different than his previous tries. I love it. I'm so glad you said that because I. People out here there whose loved one has a lot of like on and off, they need to hear that.
It takes some on and off people. Like no one gets it in one try. If they do get it in one try, it probably wasn't really addiction. It takes some trial and error. So good for you guys both of you. I'm impressed.
Lathe says, my husband says he is been sober for 10 days, but still blames and is isolated. When will he come back from isolation? After he is recovered? If he's just 10 days sober, he is just barely feeling like a human being. [00:33:00] Like for those first seven days or so, you're like, Not good. You're sick. You could be really sick depending on what the substance was and how addicted you were.
But even if it's not like that, you're emotionally a disaster. You can't sleep. Your emotions are all over the place. So you need a good 10 days to even like, sort of be a human and start to think right again. So give him a little leeway. Give 'em some encouragement. You know, give him some extra like forgiveness for being grumpy or something.
because what I say to people, if they tell me their loved one's detoxing, but they've been pleasant and in a good mood and they're fine. I say they're not detoxing, they're lying to you. So if he's grumpy and he's isolated, probably is detoxing. Sir, look at it like a good sign.
Yvonne says, how long for the delusions to stop after quitting and do they have to be completely sober? So there's a couple questions there. I don't really know exactly what you mean when you say delusion. Because sometimes I'll say like, people and in stage addiction are delusional, as in they don't see the reality.
You see, like they see it totally different, but that's [00:34:00] different. When I say that it's really different than like, Delusional disorder, like the diagnosis, like paranoid or hallucinations. Like really see and believe things that are out there. So I don't know which one you mean by that.
If you mean the diagnosis kind, it can take weeks to months. But probably if they're using a substance that causes delusions like a stimulant or even marijuana it can take a while for that to clear. Do they have to be completely sober? That's a complicated answer, but if I gotta give you a simple answer, I'm going to say yes.
They need to be completely sober. Maria says, my spouse is an illegal immigrant. I got him into a program. He was there three weeks and left. Is that the type that does not believe in any type of programs that are out there for him? I tried to help him. It happens, a lot of times they get into programs. Usually if they make it three weeks, they'll make it longer.
because usually they, they want to run pretty quick in that first week. So it could mean a lot of different things. It could mean, [00:35:00] nevermind, forget this crap. Like the sobriety thing isn't for me. I want to go get messed up. It could mean okay, I'm sober, I got it. Like I got this. I don't need no help. It could mean a lot of different things, so I'd probably have to know like more details to tell you, you know.
A good opinion about what it means. And even if someone thinks like no program from can help me, like I wouldn't pay that much attention to that. because at some point everyone thinks that like, I got this, I don't need a program. Those programs aren't going to, I mean that's just big talk, so I don't pay that much attention to that.
I've heard a lot of people tell me, , especially young people, I never go to treatment. Every single one of them went. Sorry, big talk. Let's see here.
Aaron says, thank you for your advice. I have really learned a lot from your channel. I have binge watched almost every video you've made to help my husband find ways to get sober together. Thank you. I appreciate that. Good feedback. Is it helping? Like are you seeing any changes? Is the relationship getting better?
Relationship getting better is the first sign of change. So what that means is you've gotten out of the bad guy role. So I hope [00:36:00] you're at least to that part.
Melanie says, I'm 35 and was married 10 years to my first high school boyfriend. We divorced after he got his second DUI with all four kids with him. Oh, ouch. He sobered up and miraculously I took him back. He just relapse. Is that something that happens to most alcoholics for the rest of their life? It is not something that happens. It is something that happens to the most alcoholics. It is not something that happens for the rest of their life. It takes a lot of trial and error.
What happens is you get sober, and this happens literally every single time. Everybody's gotta do this a few times, Melanie, you get sober. And you're glad you're sober and you're feeling good and you're different and you're changed, and then enough time goes by and you convince yourself like, it's alright if I have a couple drinks, like I'll never go back drinking like I drink before.
You know? It's like vacation. I'll have a couple drinks. You talk yourself into what I call that, it'll be different this time. And guess what? It won't be different this time. And most people [00:37:00] have to learn that lesson like several times until they finally figure that out. Once they figure that out, the relapses usually stop.
So hopefully your person has already done that a few times and you get near the end of that. If it's the first time they've done that, you might have one or two more in there. So be warned.
Roman says, living with addiction is like living in the Twilight Zone. Suggestions for some people struggling with resentment take the time to learn about radical acceptance. Yes, that's a great suggestion. Radical acceptance is like a therapy concept. There's lots of good articles, books, and resources about that, so I agree, Robin, take a look at that.
Dr. Hint. Oh, this is a good, it hurts less, to be honest, when I'm high. That's interesting. I never thought about that, but it makes sense because it's like you can be honest, but you don't feel the shame because you're high. So it's almost like it allows you to say it. I didn't think about that, but I can see it.
It's a good point.
And you also said, Dr. Ren, I'm afraid to throw my drugs away, because that's just another part of the [00:38:00] cycle.
Sounds like a monster mouth to me. Dr. S I'm not sure if you see my video on Monster Mouse, but it's basically just like a metaphor or a way that I visualize like all these different thoughts that you have when you have an addiction. And so to me that's just like a monster mouth, like a little monster on your shoulder saying, well, don't other drugs away because you know, you've done that a hundred times before and it doesn't work anyway, so you might as well keep 'em because like it doesn't mean anything anyway, and you're just wasting these drugs.
To me, that's a monster mouth. But throwing the stuff away is probably a really good first step because I can promise you it doesn't work when you still have the drugs. So it might not work if you throw 'em away, but it definitely won't work if you don't throw 'em away.
So that's what I would tell that little monster mouth sometimes you gotta just argue with them and get rational with them. Monster mouths. Facebook user. Hey Amber. My boyfriend is in early recovery going on a month. I was hoping for some advice on how to be supportive and long distance. I wouldn't want to see him relapse.
There are days when he will take an hour to reply and it just [00:39:00] worries me and I don't want to be hovering. Yeah. I'm glad that you have insight. You're aware that like, Your anxiety's up. So you're probably like really hypervigilant and you're obviously aware of that because you're like looking at how long it's been since he responded to your message or something.
But I get that because it's a trigger because one of the big signs that someone's using is , they go m i a and they don't answer you for hours and days sometimes. And so when you it that time passes and you don't get that message, it's a trigger for you. So I'm impressed that you that you realize that.
Some of the things you can do to be supportive, and I know you can't really control it on the inside, but on the outside, don't be freaked out. Like if they tell you they had a bad day or they really wanted to use, or they had a craving or they saw it, your job is to just stay calm and cool and let them talk about it, and don't let it freak you out because if they're telling it to you, It means they don't want to do it.
, they may be saying, I want to use, but they're trying not to use if they're telling it to you. because if they were going to and they wanted to, they wouldn't be telling you that. So [00:40:00] just be calm. And just, you know, be positively reinforcing and don't talk about that all the time. Talk about a lot of other stuff.
So, you know, let them be the gas pedal on how much you talk about it. because too much talk about it is triggering for them. .
Let's see. Spaceman ceases. My dad is 70 and still won't stop. He's lost everything. Doesn't care. Yeah, that's kind of what I was talking about spaceman when I said sometimes if the consequences are too big, and I think the age thing also plays in because sometimes when I see older people, they're like, dude, I'm 70.
You know, I only got a little bit of life left, and they have all these like rationalizations and justifications about why, because they're older. Like it doesn't matter anyway. Which isn't true by the way, but it is definitely another one of those monster mouths that can get in there.
Dr. Renz said marijuana edibles are probably melting my brain. Yes, they very much probably are. I dunno if you've seen my videos on marijuana, but I think that's one of the harder addictions to treat. I'm not saying it's the hardest addiction to solve, but it's hard to treat. I can [00:41:00] tell you for sure.
ES says, if you're actually seeing something, if you're detoxing from alcohol, benzo need medical health. What ES is saying there is. It can be dangerous to just cold Turkey from alcohol and benzos. You can have hallucinations, you can have seizure, it can be life-threatening, dangerous. So if somebody's having a delusion and they're detoxing from alcohol or benzo, they need medical help.
And you're right. And that's good advice. I'm glad you said that DTS can be dangerous. Absolutely.
Lindsay says recently had a baby. She's five months old now, and my mother-in-law is struggling with alcoholism. My husband and I have asked that she not hold our baby when she is drinking. On Mother's Day, she continues to drink to the point of slurring her words and trying to hold our baby. We are frustrated and just.
Not want to be around her when she's drinking. My father-in-law continues to keep alcohol in the house and is angry at us for not coming around. They blame me and say they need to see our [00:42:00] baby.
What I would say to you, Lindsay, is this, if you know that your mother-in-law's an alcoholic, and what you're saying to her is, we don't want you to hold our baby when you've been drinking, you're being irrational. Not that you should let her hold her but if you're dealing with an alcoholic, she's either drinking or she's in withdrawal and in either state she's not great.
Kind of like. Unless Shannon, I say sometimes when people say their loved one's, like, I don't care what you do, but don't have drugs in this house.
And I'm like, dude, if someone's addicted to drugs, they're in your house. Like someone's addicted. It's not possible that they don't have 'em in the house. So, be reasonable. And you may want to change your boundary to, we're not comfortable leaving the mom-in-law.
Alone with the baby and like unless one of us are here or something like that. Because I'm not saying you shouldn't let her stand. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying to think that she's just not going to drink to hold the baby. It is just probably not going to work that way, Lindsay, because she's not going to be honest with herself.
She's going to say, well, I've only had two. Or maybe she only meant to have two, but then she had more, [00:43:00] or maybe she had two really fast and then they hit her. Like it's just such an imbalance in there that there's probably not a really great time for that.
All right. AV a very happy life. Says my mom went to rehab after years of chaos and I had pulled away, basically cut contact. It was only after I stopped trying to help her and others did too. That she got help. Yeah. It's kind of like when you back off, they can see it faster.
because what happens is they get so. Entrenched in power, struggling with you and arguing with you and defending their choices that look literally it. It slows down the change process. It keeps 'em in denial. So yeah, sometimes when we just sort of hands off it, they figure it out quicker. Not sometimes, like most of the time, I guess I'd say.
Thank you so much for those of you who joined us. I'm going to link up the polyvagal video and the betrayal trauma because we talked about that. Those are very good ones to watch in addition to this . Cause like I said, polyvagal will help you understand them and you and betrayal Trauma will definitely help you understand yourself if you're the family member.
