Important Do's and Don't For Helping Someone With A Drinking Problem
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[00:00:00] we've been getting this question a lot in our members only group. In fact, yesterday we did our live members call and this question actually came up and it was worded differently, but it kept coming up a little differently, which is sort of like, how do I help support my alcoholic loved one?
And not only is it coming up in our members group where people are asking questions about it, but also. It's been coming up in session a lot for me. So I'm getting the questions from the family side and I'm getting the complaints from the client side as far as the person who's struggling with alcoholism, they're talking to me about, Hey, my family, they're doing this and it's making it worse.
So I thought I would hop on here and explain to you, answer some of these questions for you about what's helpful and what's not. And one of the big. Questions right out of the gate that comes up over and over again is it okay to drink in front of my [00:01:00] alcoholic loved one? And the answer to that depends on where they're at in their stages of change.
So I want to go through that and explain to you if your loved ones at whatever the point is, so you know exactly what is probably the best protocol to do. Okay. If your loved one is alcoholic, but they're not working on that and maybe they don't even think they have alcoholism how do you support them and specifically do you drink in front of them? If that person who has an alcohol problem knows that you think they have an alcohol problem and they're still actively drinking, if you normally drink in front of them and then you stop drinking in front of them,
they're going to see that as a dig or as. A comment, even though you're not saying anything, they're going to get the hint that that you're putting this judgment on them or that you're trying to role model good behavior or something, which is just going to come across. Not so [00:02:00] great with them.
So I don't think modifying your own drinking around someone who is actively drinking is all that helpful, other than I would say you don't want to be binge drinking and going crazy and like encouraging it and like making their drinking worse. As long as you're not doing that, if you're just having a glass of wine or whatever at dinner in front of them or the, you take a beer out of the fridge or whatever.
That's perfectly fine because if you change your behavior, they're going to see it as a comment. So if they're not changing it, they're not trying to stop drinking yet. I want you to pretty much stay the same with the exception of no egging it on no, like making it worse. If your loved one is in like the beginning stages of change, and by beginning I mean probably Day zero of being sober to six months, maybe even to a year of being sober, then I think that you shouldn't.
I don't think it's helpful for you to drink in front of your [00:03:00] loved one. Now, a lot of times the person with the alcohol problem, they're not going to want to say that to you for a couple of reasons. Well, one reason is because they feel kind of bad okay, I know I have this problem and I can't do it, but I don't want to, ruin everyone else's time or make them miss out.
So a lot of times they won't tell you how. Frustrating it is to watch you drink. And then another reason why they don't always tell you is because they may be also like keeping it in the back of their mind. Consciously, subconsciously as an excuse to hold against you later. Oh, well you drink.
And if they're struggling to stay sober and they're drinking in front of them, They're mentally holding it against you. Because they, even if they're telling you it's okay, that it's fine if you drink they're probably projecting that frustration onto you because they're struggling on the inside and they really want to drink and being around you, drinking is a [00:04:00] trigger for them.
So I really feel like the best advice in those first months. Is to not drink around them. It doesn't mean you can't drink at all, but don't have it in the house for sure. And if you've got to go somewhere like it's a special occasion, like a wedding or a concert or I don't know, something that you have to go to and you know there's going to be a lot of drinking, be mindful of that on your addicted loved one because a lot of times, They just don't want to say anything.
They don't want to be the Debbie Downer. They don't want to make you uncomfortable. They don't want to make everyone else uncomfortable. So they'll try to go along with it and they'll put themselves in these bad situations and it is very triggering. Just being around it, seeing it, smelling it, hearing you open the top, all of that stuff is very triggering in those first few months.
And even when the alcohol itself isn't all that triggering, the, I'm missing out feeling. Is probably triggering. Or there's this other feeling that happens, which [00:05:00] can also be a trigger, which is I don't even know how to interact anymore because I'm not drinking. And so there's a little bit of like social anxiety around being around other people drinking because you, you feel like an outsider, you feel different, you're wondering what people are thinking about you.
So you have this anxiety going on and that anxiety is a trigger. So in about 150 ways, it's problematic now. Sometimes people in these early stages, they'll say, no, for real, it really doesn't bother me. It's fine. But I still want you to think carefully about doing this. And I have met families who are like angry or upset because they don't want to modify their lifestyle because the one person has the alcohol problem.
And what I would say to you is, If them fixing their alcohol problem is important to you, because oftentimes it is. Then you need to suck it up and be supportive that's just all there is to it. Because a lot of times I see this dynamic, like maybe it's like a husband and a wife or something like that, and [00:06:00] both of them drink, one of them drinks way more problematically than the other one.
And so they're always getting complained at, and griped at and fussed at and you need to stop drinking and this and that and the other. But then secretly, They don't want to stop their drinking either, and to the extent that even though they know that's probably compromised and their loved one being able to stop drinking, they want to continue to do it, which I would say is a criteria of a problem.
I'm not saying it's full blown problem, but I'm saying like when you're harping on this person to quit drinking, but you're not willing to, not drink around them for the next whatever to support them, then there's a problem going on with your drinking and. It's very common that multiple people in a house or in a family have problem with drinking.
It's just that one person's is so far off the chart. It takes precedent. And then while that's happening, Everybody else's drinking looks like way better in comparison. But what you find is you take that sort of in counseling where [00:07:00] they call it like the identified patient or whatever, or sometimes call it the scapegoat.
The scapegoat. You take that drinking out or whatever, and then the spotlight kind of like starts to show up some other issues in the family. So, My advice is just don't do it. And especially if you're going to ignore my advice, which I don't suggest you do, but if you're going to do it, definitely don't drink their favorite thing in front of him.
Some, for some people like I had a guy who was early in recovery and he says to me he is like, Oh my gosh, my wife has those white claws in the fridge. He said, but I swear to you, like I would never drink one. I was like, the thought of it just makes me want to ugh, gross or whatever. And it really wasn't that big of a trigger.
But he even said to me, but if she had this in there, it would be a problem. So don't do it. And if you're going to do it, don't do like the one, the thing that you know is going to like really be tempting. And if you're listening to this and you might be having this thought, because this is a common reaction to this conversation, is, well, they're going to be able to get it [00:08:00] anywhere.
Why is it my job to stop them? It's not your job to stop them, it's not, it's just your job to support them and not make it harder than it has to be. And when you have alcohol in the house, it's really freaking hard because. It's like talking to you. Yes, I know they could get in their car and go, a mile down the street and get it if they wanted to.
But in your home, I feel like it should be a safe place where you can like rest and relax and get your guard down a little bit and not have to be like light knuckling it all the time because it's your home. And when it's in the home it means. Literally every minute of every day you are having to remake the decision over and over.
Don't go in there and open that bottle or whatever it is, and you're really burning through that. That person is really burning through their willpower at a very rapid rate when it's in the house and they're resisting all the time. So I, yes, I have seen people get sober with alcohol in the house.
I'm not saying it can't be done, I'm just saying don't make it harder than it has to be. All right, so if your loved one as in a later [00:09:00] stage of sobriety Meaning, like they're pretty solid with their sobriety past, like a year, maybe past six months or so. But you know, they're doing good and they feel good and then they don't feel so vulnerable.
Then I think you should ask them how they feel about it. And most of the time they're going to tell you. It doesn't bother them to see you drink. Sometimes they'll tell you, well, it doesn't bother me to see you drink a couple of glasses, wine. But it does bother me if. X, Y or Z happens, or if you're drinking this or if it's every day or something.
A lot of times by the time they get that much sobriety recovery they know themselves better. They're feel a little bit easier about being vulnerable with you that way and honest and sharing those kind of things. So just ask them how they feel about it. And then what goes along with that very frequently is What about like family special occasions?
Should we allow alcohol to be at the family Christmas or the Thanksgiving or the, the event, and I go back to these rules, I just told you, if the person's in early [00:10:00] recovery, just don't. Don't even ask them the question because then you're putting them in a position to have to say, no, I don't want you to drink.
Which would make them feel crappy or, yeah, that's fine. And they know that's not going to work out good either. So if it's in those first six months to a year. It's perfectly fine to say, Hey, family Christmas at grandma's this year, b t w, we're not drinking. It's okay. And if people can't handle that and they freak out because of that, guess what that means?
They need to start watching some of these videos probably, right? Because anybody that doesn't have a problem with alcohol is going to be okay with getting through one day without having alcohol at the event. So it's perfectly fine to do that. And later stages, people are just easier to say. Now, we'll tell you this about people in later stages of sobriety, recovery.
They're probably not going to enjoy being. In situations or going to activities where it's all about the drinking. It's not so much that it makes them want to [00:11:00] drink anymore, but it's just not that fun. Think about it. It's not that fun to be around a bunch of drunk people when you're not drunk. It's fun for 15 or 20 minutes and then it's kind of like super annoying.
So keep that in mind when you're asking them to come along to things and. One solution to that's helpful for a lot of people is have an exit plan. And if you've got to go to a function that has a lot of drinking, then sell the person. Say, Hey, if you don't like it, if you're bored, if you're triggered, give me the code word, give me the laser, look across the room and I'll get you out of here.
Or go ahead and preemptively give an excuse why you can't stay that long. Because sometimes it's okay for them to be in that environment for a short period of time But not for long periods of time, like I said, is it could either trigger them to want to drink or it's just not fun and it's just annoying and boring.
I mean, you know that you've been sober, you've been around people that were drunk before and it's okay for a short time, but then, they think they're super funny and they're not, and all that kind of stuff. So you know how [00:12:00] that is. So that's my advice on. Whether or not it's okay to drink in front of someone who has an alcohol problem.
Now you can take everything that I just told you. And you can apply that to any addiction. So just take the word alcohol out, insert your new word, whatever that addiction is and that will work for you. It's just the alcohol is the one I get asked about most commonly. Now I want to talk about some other things that are important as far as supporting someone who has an alcohol problem or an addiction to anything.
But one of the other big questions that comes up a lot, is should we bring it up? And the answer to that is yes and no. You don't want to be awkwardly like avoiding the topic and being all weird about it. So bringing it to the surface and just talking about it like casually quickly for a short period of time actually relieves the tension about the uncomfortableness because a lot of times the person who's, especially the person who's newly not drinking [00:13:00] more than they're worried about craving alcohol.
I'm serious here. More than they're worried about drinking. They're worried about what you think about the fact that they're not drinking. I know you probably think that's crazy, but it is. It's pretty universal and almost everyone goes through that phase where they feel really awkward because they've always been this other person and now they know they're not being that person.
And that it's weird because you're like, is that weird for everyone else? Or what are they thinking? Or do they notice or whatever. So bringing it up is totally fine, you just don't want to. Especially if it's like a social event, get into a really serious, long, heavy conversation about it. Unless they just seem to want to and you want to as well.
But it kind of clears the air that way they're not wondering what you're thinking and vice versa. So, but, As far as like just bringing it up with your loved one asking questions like, how are you doing okay? Those kind of questions because your loved one knows that. What you're really asking them is, are you still sober?
Are you behaving? And that feels really awkward. So if you're going to [00:14:00] bring it up, don't be awkward about it. Just say it and just be like normal about it. because what they want more than anything is just to be normal. They don't want to be treated like an alien or like a weirdo from outer space and be different all of a sudden.
Now over time, as they're sober for a while, they'll get more and more comfortable with the fact that they don't drink, they don't care, who knows? They're proud of the fact they don't drink, they're glad they don't drink and it doesn't bother them. But in those early days, it's just weird and.
Uncomfortable and they're sitting there thinking who else knows? If you're at the family event, your wife knows, but did your wife tell her sister and your grandma and all? And so you just have this like paranoid feeling. So just bring it to the surface so that they know what is happening.
And so that, and also so that they have some say in how to handle these types of social events. Let's take some of your questions, some of your comments and feedback. Let's see here.
Anne says, filed for divorce after 30 years. Husband went to treatment for [00:15:00] two weeks and his home working program now he wants me to give him a chance.
30 year merry-go-round. This happens a lot, and especially in marriages, a lot of times it feels like too little, too late and only you know, if you're to that point, like only you know in your heart ask yourself this. If he turned it around completely, could you move forward? Because sometimes there's been so much water in the bridge.
You just know, you just can't go back. Like it's just too much pain, too much stuff in there, and you know you can't, so if you know that, then that answer is clear. If you are thinking, well, if he really turned it around I really don't want to get a divorce, I just want him to fix his problem, then what I would say to you is give it some time.
So, two weeks, going to treatment and having two weeks after, that's great. That's a good sign. We're on the right path. But I would want to see like longer than that. And so if the person is wanting an answer, [00:16:00] then you can say something like, yeah, I'm super excited that you're getting sober.
And I think maybe things could change. Let's see what happens. But no promises if you're living separate, like no moving back in yet or anything like that. Give it some time to see how things. Work out. Otherwise you're going to be back in the same spot. But you already knew that. All right, here we go.
Debbie says, I believe this holds true for any instance where one person is trying to make a positive life change and the other is constantly eating, drinking, or doing the thing right in front of them. Not to mention offering the person the thing. The ultimate sabotage. Yeah, that's the thing. It reminds me, Debbie, of this little young guy that I've been seeing off and on for a long time.
And he's got a problem with alcohol and various other substances. And of course, he is not acting right and his parents are bringing him to see me and I'm working on him, but, Every other weekend he is like with his dad, who's [00:17:00] like partying with him, and I'm sitting there thinking, why are you paying me?
What do you want me to do? What, why I mean I only him feel like you're wasting your money. Like it's just so frustrating. That young guy though eventually figures out how to hold his own even with his dad. But it's taken a lot of years and a lot of unnecessary pain for that to happen.
We've seen that a lot. Parents like wanting their kid and spouses, here's what happens, the parent or the spouse, it's like you want the other person to stop acting like an addict and stop doing all the other things, but you don't necessarily really want the person to quit drinking or quit using the drug because you the fun associated with it.
You, but you want them to manage it. This happens to my family. My granddad married to multiple alcoholic women, but the one that I remember the most, which there's a long story behind that, but the lady he was married to most of my life was actually my babysitter Rose. Little long, complicated family drama story there.
I'll tell y'all one day, but she was [00:18:00] quite a bit younger than him, and she was alcoholic and he kept sending her to treatment and bringing her home. But I'm telling you, in the upstairs of their house, they had a bar room, like a whole room. It was literally a bar, and it was just like constantly drinking and constant partying going on over there, but then mad at her because she kept relapsing.
And I'm like, even as like a young person long before I was an addiction counselor, I'm like That doesn't work, that's not very smart because what's really going on for the parent or for the spouse or for the family members, it's like, why can't you just control your stuff? And so you're setting them up for failure because you're, when you're thinking that you are not understanding the nature of addiction, because it's not going to work that way.
Let's see here. Nancy says it feels hypocritical and a bit cruel if we don't want someone to drink in front of them. Agreed. Essentially, like if you're the person that's been like, and oftentimes it is harping on the other person you have to deal with this. You got to stop drinking, you got to go to treatment or whatever.
But then you're continuing to do it. Yeah. It's not the best move. Jennifer says, [00:19:00] just be compassionate. It is better to not drink in front of them, in my opinion. Yeah, I mean, it's just simple, right? You don't be weird about not drinking. But yeah, be compassionate, be empathetic. Baby says, can you do a video on how to deal or interact with them when they are drunk?
I did have a video on the channel BB about how to interact with somebody who's like an angry drunk. If you want to find that specifically. But in general, I say don't interact with them. Try to just, I call it being neutral, but try to just remove yourself. Don't be angry. Definitely don't start a conversation about their drinking while they're drunk.
Do not do that. But yeah. I would just try to step back and most of the time cases that works, but sometimes in some situations, the person that's drunk, like one of the things they want to do is talk to you and be around you or start something with you or whatever. And it's very, difficult in that situation.
2 27 says, how do I support his lack of drinking, but he's not engaged in life? Do I heavily reinforce that he is [00:20:00] not drinking, but he's on the couch eating and sleeping all day, not talking grumpy, no motivation. Yes. The answer, the simple answer to that question is, yes, you happily support that he's not drinking, because it could be a lot worse.
But I think what you're really asking me is how do I engage that person in life? And what you do is you make that engagement as engaging as, and fun and rewarding as possible. So, If he's laying on the couch, the one tactic you could take is say, get out there. Live your life. Let's go do this, let's do that.
You're always laying around. It's not that motivating. But if and when the person does get out and do something and you positively reinforce it, and you're really fun to engage with, and you make sure that you know that they're having a decent time, then you're just. Rewarding. They're getting that dopamine reward for doing the other things.
And that will naturally lead to doing other things. And I don't know how long this person has been sober, the one that you're talking about here, 2 27. But if it's like really early days, they probably feel [00:21:00] really crappy. They definitely don't feel like doing anything, and they might not have even got that capacity to enjoy things back yet.
I'm talking about like in those first few. Weeks and sometimes a couple of months. So if it's been longer than that, that would draw, that stabilization part should be quite a bit better. You just want to reinforce them being active and engaged. If you, if they're sober, but then they're laying around not doing anything, and then you're all of a sudden on them about it, the thought they're going to have is, oh my gosh, it's never enough for you.
You're always upset with me about something. So, it's a thin line there, so be careful with it.
Saska says. My husband was sober for a couple months.
We went to a restaurant with friends. I drank a non-alcoholic beer with him, but the others drank wine. He looked so sorry for himself, which kind of irritated me. He was probably feeling kind of uncomfortable and I could see why he might feel uncomfortable and kind of irritated or whatever.
So, I love the fact that you supported him and that you drank an [00:22:00] non-alcoholic beer with him. And I think that that's important. You're standing by them and it's a show of support. So not only is it just helpful that you're not triggering them, but it's a kindness that you're doing.
Laia says how to support him to start work. I don't know for sure Laia, if you're asking like, how do I encourage them to either get a job or go back to work or if more of what you're asking is more like they're going back to work. What can I do to be helpful? I think that I think that working is a good, healthy thing to do.
There are a few jobs that I don't necessarily recommend. The list is longer than this, but my shortlist is, I tell my clients, I'm like, well, I don't think it's wise to work in a restaurant. I don't think it's wise to work in construction and I don't think it's wise to be a rockstar. Cause those are really high risk.
Obviously partying can be anywhere, but those professions are just really high risk for it. So, other than that, you just want to encourage them and them [00:23:00] being busy and having structure and accountability and routine and purpose is an important, healthy thing for their recovery.
So, and , it just makes you feel better about yourself to be productive and doing stuff. Let's see. Do I have any experience working with anyone addicted Toum? Yes, I have. I've had several people. The ones that I've had have been. Pretty smart, like professional kind of guys who actually brought themselves to treatment with me.
This was back when I was doing i o p for that drug specifically. Like that was the drug of choice. And then other times I've dealt with people who were coming off of some other kind of drug and then they were using that to help make it easier and then that became a problem. So I've seen it both ways.
But yes, it's addictive. Yes, it can be problematic. And I have a video on this channel all about it if you want to take a look at it.
Let's see what Luana says. I'm having a hard time with him with the beginning of sobriety because his uncle is an alcoholic and he hangs out with him. I told him he must be in a [00:24:00] program. Yes. And abuse and AA now. All right, Lynn, I'm going to have to get a little, are we, I don't advise that you tell someone that they must be in a program.
It usually doesn't work well, and I like to say like you can sometimes. Kind of force compliance, but you can't force recovery. You can encourage it you can support it, but making it a requirement, a lot of times backfires because the person either lies about doing it or. They go, but they don't, their like heart's not in it.
So they're literally sitting in like the support meeting or whatever it is, thinking about how ridiculous it is and how they're not even like those people and they're like finding every reason not to engage with it. And sometimes, early on, if you like, for example, if you force people to go to 12 step meetings or something and it's early in their addiction and they have that bad experience with it, later on.
When they probably would've been more open to it and ready to use it. They've already had this negative experience, so they've already ruled it out [00:25:00] as an option in their head. So I always say be careful with with that requirement. , if you're going to make requirements around it, which I don't really suggest, then make it around the problematic behaviors that actually are causing the problem.
You can't be getting angry involved in this house. You can't be stealing stuff like that. Those are decent boundaries right there.
Crystal says, if a person wants to taper or detox at home, do you help them in those instances? The first thing I need to tell you is , if you're. Detoxing from alcohol, that can be dangerous. So I always suggest, even if you're going to do it at home, at least just at least go see your primary care doctor and say, Hey, this is what I'm doing.
Am I good to do that? And they'll either say yes or I don't think that's safe. And then sometimes if they're worried, they'll even give you some medication to help you do that. So if the person's drinking a lot and they're like really alcohol dependent, then please be safe without it if they insist on doing it.
I think it's okay to support them, but [00:26:00] sometimes they'll do this thing where they'll say, all right, I'm going to taper off alcohol. I'm going to buy this que of beer, whatever it is, I'm going to give them all to you and I want you to just give me two of them every day.
And I think that's really, That doesn't usually work out good because they get mad, they want more, it's put you in the bag, eye roll, you're having to police it, this and that. So if they're expecting you to be in charge of detoxing or taper them, I'd probably stay away from that. If they're doing that themselves and you're just bringing them some chicken soup and saying, Hey, I'm thinking about you, I'm proud of you.
If that's what you mean by support. Yeah, do that.
Lisa says, I quit drinking for personal reasons. My husband would use it against me, calling me, stuck up saying, I think I'm better than him because of it. I never held it against him when he drank. Yeah, you'll see that especially in someone else that has a drinking problem, like it'll make them angry that you don't drink.
And I say that too. A lot of my people who are just early getting sober, I'm like, no one cares that you don't [00:27:00] drink except other people who have an alcohol problem. Because it, what happens is it makes them feel guilty. It's like a constant reminder. I mean, it's kinda it's not that different than If you go to a restaurant and you're with a bunch of friends and you order like a giant cheeseburger and they order like a salad with no dressing, and then you feel awkward and uncomfortable that it's triggering that feeling in them, and then he's just sort of projecting that onto you and trying to make you feel guilty about it.
That's what people are so peer pressury about drinking. And I don't just mean kids. I think kids are actually less peer pressury about drinking. Adults are the worst. Like they'll nag you, they'll ask you over and over. They'll make fun of you. They'll do all these things. It's because it makes them feel better for you to be drinking.
C says, My husband has a first appointment with you in a couple of weeks. What should I expect? He's an alcoholic. It's hard to say what to expect. Are you asking like what to expect? Like how he, will he react to the appointment or are you asking more like what to [00:28:00] expect as far as like how long does it typically take to make change?
If you're asking the second thing, it depends on what stage of change he is. When we start, sometimes when I start with people, they're like in, the fancy word is called pre-contemplation. Fancy for denial, and that usually means we're going to talk for weeks and maybe even a few months to get through, out of denial into an action stage of change.
So if that's the case, you can expect for there to be a lot of ups and downs. If they're already in the action stage of change, then things move pretty quickly. So it kind of depends on where they're at when they come in general. One of the things that we're pretty good at in the office is engaging people.
So even people who are fairly reluctant about coming, my main goal is to make it be a good experience for them, to make them feel heard and to make it feel not awful, and to make it feel like, okay, I don't dread having to go. That's my goal when I talk to someone new. This is the most important goal, more important than the others.
C V says, my husband is a [00:29:00] functioning alcoholic. He has quit and relapsed often. He has no program like meetings or soberlink to sustain his sobriety, he needs accountability. What can I say to help his sobriety stick.
It's sometimes hard to answer the CCP without all the background information, because immediately I think of like several different scenarios that could be happening. It could be in that bargaining phase, which sounds like it probably is to some degree, but. If part one of the bargains is I can do this without telling anyone.
That's one of the bargains. You know how I talk a lot about I'm going to drink less or I'm only going to drink on weekends or special occasions. One of the bargains is I'm going to get sober, but I'm not going to tell anybody. I'm going to get sober. And while I don't think you have to tell everyone your business, you don't have to stop people on the street and tell them.
There are some key people that you need to tell and oftentimes and people will say, well, the stigma, if you ask them why they're not, I don't want people to judge me this and that, but lemme tell you what's really happening. They don't want to tell them because it might change their mind. It's if I tell [00:30:00] my best friend, I'm not drinking, my best friend's going to stop inviting me out for drinks and I'm not sure I want that yet.
So it could be like a bargaining thing. Usually people eventually sort of work through that and figure that out, or if they don't work through that and figure it out, the alcohol problem shows itself quite clear, and then everyone does know it because it's just out there, so it will resolve one way or the other usually.
Norman says, what are your thoughts on having a loved one arrested on a warrant when they were spiraling down work in their drug addiction? Jail has been the only successful way to detox in the past. Sometimes I have parents ask me this question, Norman Hey I got some buddies in the police department, like I could get my kid arrested and picked up.
And what I'll say to this is it's much better if it happens naturally and it doesn't come from you. And if it does come from you as in like you called the probation officer or you like called a friend and how it happened, then you have better make. Darn sure they never find [00:31:00] it out. Seriously. If they find it out, they will literally spend the next 10 or 20 years being mad at you about it and blaming you, and therefore not addressing their addiction.
So they will not see that they were breaking a lot. Well, it wouldn't even matter what they got arrested for. They could be like having Pounds and pounds of drugs in the car or something, they will not see that they shouldn't have been doing that. What they will see is, I can't believe you did this to me, and they will hang onto that resentment forever.
So, I think it's better for it to happen naturally without you making it happen. But if you are going to do that, please listen to me and you better make sure they never find it out, because that will cause more harm than good.
Let's see here. I have four children and my husband the youngest is only eight weeks old. I'm going through postpartum while my husband is hooked on CRAO and alcohol. I think I need to leave for my mental health right now.
I can't really tell you for sure if you need to leave, I know, what being addicted to alcohol and cradle looks like, but what behaviors, what problematic [00:32:00] behaviors are happening because of that. I do have a video a on it's called like When to walk away from someone who has an addiction, and I think another one that's called Four Reasons to leave a relationship with someone else's addiction.
And it kind of helps you make that decision about if these things are happening, these are big signs that it's time to go and it helps to clarify it a little bit.
All right, Karen. Daughter is 40 days sober, is an alcoholic. Had a P test that came back positive for benzos, which she doesn't take swab. Came back. Counselor didn't believe her. Now she doesn't want to continue there. That's complicated because it's hard to say. I mean, as an addiction counselor, you're, you definitely have the sketch.
I mean, you deal with people who are being dishonest all the time. So your first belief is they're going to be dishonest. What I do in a situation like that, like if, and I've sh drugg tested thousands of people over my career I mean, so much so that you could just hand me a cup of pee. I don't even flinch, like just so used to it.
[00:33:00] But As I say, okay, might be wrong. Let's just do it again. That's it. Like I don't argue with them, and it could be wrong. I have had false positives before. Not very often, but it does happen. I said, let's just do it again, and if it's on there again. It's really hard to justify that what usually will happen if the person really didn't do it and you say, well, let's just do it again.
It could be wrong. Like it could be a false positive. They'll start making excuses to not take the test, the second test. So they'll either say, well, I can't pee right now, or they'll say, This is dumb. Why can't you just trust me? They'll start the fight to not take it. They'll try to get out of taking the test.
If they really didn't do it, then they'll say, yes, please. Thank you. That would be super helpful. And they'll want to take the test because they'll want to prove it. So that's the way I handle that. So I don't know if that counselor did that or not. They may very well have, but it could also mean that your daughter did do that because benzos is pretty much the same thing as alcohol just in pill form.
And then she's using that basically [00:34:00] could be that she got caught and she's using that as a reason to not go back to that program. So it could be either way. One of the things you could do is you could say, Hey, do you want to take a test? We'll get it cleared up because you can even say, Hey, it's not fair to be accused of it when you didn't do it.
Let's prove it. Give a test backup. Test confirmation test.
Oh a, this is the one you said that you have the little, the young child. I want to move out and live with family in another state, but I feel so bad if he doesn't get to see his children. But seeing his addiction battle is making me so depressed and stresses mom. I mean, I could definitely hear you, especially because you're saying you have postpartum you're taking care of little kid, you have other kids to take care of and.
If I put myself in your shoes, my thought would be something along the lines of, dude, I'm taking care of enough people here. I don't need to be taking care of you too. You, I need you to be helping. That would be the thought that I'd be having, sir. I can understand where you're coming from.
Naza says, I have a son, 31 years old, drug addict. I sent him to rehab in California. He did rehab for six months. [00:35:00] He laughs and decided to stay homeless in California and Los Angeles right now. You. I bet you meant he left. He left and decided to stay homeless. That's really hard and I've seen that a lot.
And you especially see that, like I hear parents talk about this, especially in that area because and I've, I don't know if this is true cause I don't live in that area, but this is what I've been told no when the weather's pretty mild, so it's slightly more comfortable than maybe other places to be homeless.
And there's like a whole. Culture and community of homelessness. So it's almost just like easier than you might think to live that, that kind of lifestyle. But it's, it is super frustrating as from the parent's point of view. It's are you serious? Like literally you want this so important to you.
You're willing to be homeless for it, and that's the nature of addiction.
Latha says, my husband and I were separated since six months. He says he is sober and he says he is sober for two weeks. He wants to meet us in a week. Do I give him more time or [00:36:00] can the kids and I meet him or is it too early? No, I mean, it's not too early to meet them. I mean, it. If you're separated, it might be too early to move back in together and start operating as a family, but to go have lunch and go see them and go hang out, you should be doing that because you need that to get your eyeball on it and see if they're really doing good and they need that because they need your support and encouragement.
So no, I don't think it's too early to go meet someone.
Emily says my son doesn't live with me is the invisible intervention. The best place to start drug of choice is marijuana. Good question.
That teaches family members how to get someone out of denial and taking steps towards change. It's very effective, but it is most effective if the person lives with you. It can be effective if the person doesn't live with you. If you have like regular, ongoing communication, like if you still talk to them a lot and you still have a relationship where things are happening because the key is that you have to have the relationship with them.
So is if the relationship is there and you talk to them frequently and often,[00:37:00] then the principals could work. Sometimes people ask me about invisible intervention and, but you know, there's, their kid is like what you're saying, homeless in LA and they haven't talked to them in six months.
It's not going to help you then because it's relationship based. Yeah. My boyfriend and I were great. His mom is a drug addict and dad an alcoholic. He drank beer often, but two weeks ago, he completely ghosted me and went on a bender. I'm confused. He's never done that before. I don't know how long you've been with your boyfriend, and certainly people can go. It sounds to me like what you're saying is.
I call it going to Mia, can't get ahold of them for a day or two or a week or something like that. It sounds like that's what you're saying. That can definitely happen with alcohol, but it's more prone to happen with other drugs. There are some drugs that just tend to lend themselves to that, like crack cocaine, like meth, stuff like that where they're just sort of.
Gone. Like I said, alcohol can do that, but I see that more frequently with other drugs. But don't let that freak you out. I'm not saying that's happening, I'm just commenting on it. Nancy says she lives in Los Angeles [00:38:00] and addiction community's very big. Yeah. It's almost like too big and comfortable and it makes it more attempting just to do that.
Our other says, can you help please with suggestions for estate planning, trust language? I don't know what's reasonable, attainable goals to include for my loved one. I think what you're asking, and we've run into this before like someone's going to get an inheritance or something like that.
Someone has an addiction, which can be very dangerous. And so I do think it is smart to do what you're saying, which is set up some kind of either trustee or Limitations on how much they can get at once or limitations on what it can be used for or something like that. I can't really give you a lot of that language that you want because you need somebody who's like a professional at doing that.
But what I can tell you is it is smart to be thinking like that because given someone who has an addiction, a big old chunk of money, if someone's been sober for 20 years, that's different. But like someone who's either actively using or is newly sober and they run into a bunch of money, That's [00:39:00] dangerous.
So it's smart of you to be thinking about that.
See, we have a question from Suzanne. My son is in bed all day and seems unable to function on any level. How do I handle this? He lives with us. I don't know, Suzanne, if your son is in an active addiction or an early sobriety, and I don't know how old your son is, but I'm assuming that you're talking about like a young adult son, like somebody 18 or over, and I think it is.
Reasonable. If you're telling me that, if you're talking about a young adult I don't think you should say you can't stay in bed all day, or you have to be up at this time because that's their side of the street. What I do think you can say is, Hey, like you're an adult and you need to contribute.
Don't say, You have to get a job. That's their street. Do say, Hey, you need to contribute X amount of dollars a month to the household, for rent or something like that. So, Instead of trying to control their behavior, you, it's more about focusing on your side of the street. And if they tell you [00:40:00] for whatever reason that they just can't do that, like they're so depressed or medical problem or something, then say, okay, I understand that.
Then I expect for you to do something about that issue because it's not okay to be a non, just be a non-functioning adult person. I know that's a complicated question, but that's the simple answer. I'll tell you who's really good at that, Suzanne, and that's Campbell. She's our parent coach, and it's one of her expertise.
She's really good at it. And so if you're really ready to do something about that, you should be talking to Campbell.
All right everybody. I will see you guys next Thursday. In fact, we have an addictionologist, a doctor specializing in addiction named Dr. Brian Jackson, who's going to be on with us. So make sure you show up and bring some really good questions for him. I'll see you guys next week
