The NO B.S. Way to Get (and Stay) Sober
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[00:00:00] When you're ready to make a change and get sober these are the steps that you need to take now I know that you've probably taken some steps in the past maybe you've had some sober time here and there but it's not working for you if you've had a lot of slips and falls and ups and downs it's probably because you're not fully doing one of these three steps
I'm about to tell you in old school recovery they call it half measures when you're doing some of the things but not all of the things and I found that deep deep down inside most people know what actions that they're not taking that they need to be taking in order to really get this out of your life forever
I think it's kind of helpful to think of it like a bad relationship imagine you're in a bad toxic abusive terrible relationship and you need to get out of it if you think about the steps that you would need to take in order to do that and apply them here You have the [00:01:00] right formula or pretty close to the right formula because essentially an addiction really is a bad abusive relationship
maybe it started out good maybe it was all wonderful in the beginning but somewhere in there it got toxic and that's where you're at so the very very first step that you need to take and you really need to spend some time on this is you need to really get very honest with yourself about this relationship you have with this substance
stop fantasizing about it stop minimizing the problems go back to that abusive bad relationship scenario stop telling yourself it's going to be different this time and all that stuff you got to get really honest with what is this addiction doing to you what is it doing for you and what is it doing to the people around you
if you are still holding on to any kind of thought of this substance this behavior [00:02:00] whatever the situation is still giving you some kind of positive something in your life then what happens is it leads you to go back because you feel like you're missing out on something that you want so as long as you have this addictive thing in your head as positive like it does this great thing for me or does that great thing for me then you're going to feel like you're missing out or you're going to feel like you're depriving yourself
but when you really look closely at what's happening you'll see that there is no positive and whatever positive they there was probably a very long time ago and at this point by the time you're watching this video it's not doing anything good for you anymore the only good that it might be doing is alleviating the withdrawal cycle so you might feel like it alleviates your anxiety or stress or something like that but probably what is really happening there is it's just alleviating those anxiety sleeplessness [00:03:00] those withdrawal symptoms
that are really only there because of the addiction so that's where it gets sneaky it makes you think it's helpful yeah it's helpful you feel better when you do it but you feel better because you're in withdrawal from not doing it so you got to get real honest with yourself and stop pretending that there's something positive
there because that's what's making you go back because even when you can acknowledge all the consequences and the bad things that are happening because of your relationship with this addiction if you still think there's something positive there then what happens is you try to figure out how to keep the positive but avoid the negative
you try to find the loophole you try to figure out how can I keep this relationship in my life but not really let it go which leads me to step number two for people who are like really serious and ready to be done with the BS about it and get down to business make a change put your life and your family back on track
step number two [00:04:00] is you need to make the decision to get rid of it completely what a lot of times we wan Still be friends if you think of it in a relationship kind of way like okay we're breaking up but we can still be friends and I could still call you up and talk to you every now and then or I could still be around you and it's not going to bother me
no when you are getting out of a toxic nasty mess of a relationship you're going to have to cut it off not do less of it not spend less time with you like cut it off completely and there's a lot of things involved in that when I say that I mean stop convincing yourself you're going to do it less that's not going to work
it's like convincing yourself you're in a bad abusive relationship that you're going to somehow change something and it's going to stop being abusive it's not going to it it is going to continue down that path so you got to remind yourself that no like it's got to be complete break not do it less not manage [00:05:00] it different none of that
you got to make a clean break but not only that but you also have to get it out of your life and all the other ways so if we go back to the relationship metaphor you need to take the pictures out of the frames you need to get rid of the stuff you had together you need to delete all those pictures that are on your phone or at least put them somewhere where you can't get ahold of them
get rid of all the reminders and so when it comes to addiction that means getting rid of the paraphernalia getting rid of Extra substances that you still have I mean I can't tell you how many times I hear people make excuses for if they're addicted to a substance for keeping that substance like in their house
come on now you know that's a bunch of bs stop that's ridiculous eventually you might be able to be around whatever that thing is and it not bother you that is that's a real thing but that's probably not going to happen for you in the early stages think about what you're still keeping [00:06:00] around and I know you're going to have a million excuses for keeping the reminders around the paraphernalia around the substance around the access around if it's gambling and you're keeping the apps on your phone are you crazy
are you silly if it's pornography and you're keeping your subscriptions up and you're keeping apps and all that kinda stuff you know that's not going to work you're not being serious about it when you do that because what you're doing is you're leaving number one a lot of triggers which you're going to make it a lot harder
and number two you're leaving like this big safety net in place is what you're really doing Now you're going to have a million reasons to convince yourself why you don't need to get rid of this or that or the other But you're lying to yourself you're rationalizing and you're justifying because if you've done step one properly and you've gotten really honest with yourself about what this substance is doing for you to you and to the other people then you're going to get very serious about removing it from your life because you're going to be honest with the magnitude [00:07:00] of the problem and you're going to make whatever changes you need to make
in order to make that possible so get rid of it get rid of the reminders get rid of the access to it make it really hard for you to get ahold of it if it's a substance put as much time and block between you and that thing as absolute possible if it was a bad relationship like a bad girlfriend or boyfriend you would block them from your phone
Why you would block them from your phone and not just tell yourself you're not going to answer their calls cause you know you're going to break down and answer their calls same thing here you've done that before right if you think about relationship you've done the thing where you've been like I'm just not going to answer their calls
If you see that number you're probably going to answer it and if you don't answer the call they're going to send you enough text one of them text message is going to instigate you to the point you're going to say something back and you're going to re-engage so be honest with yourself block it like a relationship like [00:08:00] block it from Facebook from phone from everything
get away from the access to it as far as you can get at least for the first like three months okay now the third step is the one where pretty much all the action comes in the third step really involves a lot of little smaller steps and this is where it can kind of differ a little bit for each person but you know deep down inside what you need to do when the third step is all about do whatever you need to do
to make it possible and I can tell you the typical things that you need to do we've already done the one of them in step two which is get far away from it the other thing you need to do is you need to set up some kind of accountability for yourself you need to I call it come out of the recovery closet
you need to tell other people not everyone but the important ones what your new plan is and I know again you got a [00:09:00] million reasons why you don't want to do that I just don't want people in my business or I don't want my work found out or this or that or the other in a lot of cases In most cases eventually addiction is life or death
we're talking about life or death and if you're not to the life or death part yet you are to the like good life or terrible life part okay so even if you don't feel like it's going to kill you it's probably ruin your finances your relationships and hurting all the people around you so this is serious is what I'm saying
so do what it takes and telling the people you need to tell is important who do you need to tell you need to tell the people that you would likely engage in that behavior or use that substance with if you didn't otherwise tell them so if you've got a drinking buddy if you meet your brother and y'all go do things together whatever the thing is if you need to tell the people that can hold you accountable and when you're not telling them and you're giving [00:10:00] yourself a reason or an excuse a rationalization not to tell them
You're lying to yourself because you may say it's none of their business or this or that or I've even heard people say well I need to do this on my own because like that's the only way it really works that's not true telling other people is doing it on your own
telling the other people is taking the necessary action steps to make sure I that you're done with this thing you're going to say that those are reasons you're not telling the other people but the real reason you're not telling other people is because you might change your mind and you don't want to tell your drinking buddies that you're not drinking anymore because you might want to go drink with them
and what you do when you don't tell is you leave it as an option on the table and when you leave it as an option on the table it makes it really tempting and it makes it actually harder to stay sober and not go back because it's still an option it kind of goes back into that category of step number two which is get distance from it
so creating that accountability telling the people I'm not saying you have to tell everybody at [00:11:00] your workplace but like let's say you're a business person and your thing is you drink too much and you and some other workmates you guys have to go out to these like sales conventions or these networking things or you have to take clients out and you know you would normally drink
in those situations find another person there and tell them Hey I'm not drinking anymore and if you're not ready to tell them everything about all the reasons why I'm going to give you a little tiny cushion on that tell them whatever you want to tell them about why but at least tell them that you're not doing it anymore
and it's better if you tell them all the reasons why because that's even more accountability but if you can't do that at least tell them Hey I'm not drinking anymore I'm not smoking anymore I'm not gambling anymore whatever it is be honest and upfront about it Obviously staying away from the people places and things as much as possible
and that sounds simple and it sounds like okay Amber that's the obvious like we all know that but you're probably not being successful with your efforts to [00:12:00] get and stay sober probably one of the things you're doing is hanging on to one person or more but at least one person place or thing that you know you need to get rid of and you're making excuses about why I keep them in your life
right it's like I'm trying to quit drinking but my roommate I those parties every night I know it's your roommate I know it's going to be a pain in the butt to move it's going to cost money it's not going to be easy but you got to do what you got to do because if you don't you're not being honest with yourself
You're trying to keep something there a lot of times it's a romantic relationship or it's a family member that you feel really bad for distancing yourself from but you've got to put that distance there and it's not about thinking that other person's bad that's not it at all
you're not saying oh you're a loser or whatever I'm not around you you're saying like I'm trying to make this big change in my life and so I have to get distance from it and in some of those situations it is kind of important to have a conversation and say Hey man you might not see me around as [00:13:00] much because I'm doing this or that
it's nothing personal it's just this or whatever and then other times you just need to ghost them and In your heart of hearts which one is which there may be even special occasions or work functions or events that you need to choose not to go to yes you can make a million reasons it's grandma's last Christmas
It's important work event my boss is going to be there I need to network but you have to put your recovery the staying sober part first and foremost for the first long while if it's going to work don't put yourself in those situations the other action step that you need to take pretty quickly once you've made this decision that you want to get sober for real is you want to
put some things in place to keep you on track so so far what we've talked about is getting rid of things that are going to take you off track people places things bad ideas and thinking and all that kinda stuff but you also need to put [00:14:00] other things in place that are pulling you in the right direction
these are action steps think about all the times you tried to get sober and you decided you were going to do it yourself and not tell anyone what happens it's too tempting because it's only you holding you accountable and it is way way too hard because even if you mean it you're going to have a bad day one day you're going to have low willpower
\ You're going to get a case of the "F it's" or whatever so that's why you need to be open I call it turn the light on to addiction because it only lives in the darkness but put those other things in place that keep you thinking right it could be going to counseling it could be going to support group meetings
it could be coaching it could be podcast it could be videos it could be books it could be any type of influence you're looking for influence here to keep your head on straight let's say if you're going to go on a diet or do a big exercise routine you might read exercise magazines you might watch diet videos you might [00:15:00] look at nutrition stuff online because you're putting that influence
and the more regularly you have that influence The more likely you are to stay on track because it's go in the right mindset remembering what we tend to forget which is the bad things or the reasons why we're making this change so take action steps
the big things I see people do wrong are this they tell themselves they're going to cut it back or they're going to stop for a little while doesn't work they decide they're going to try to do it themselves and not include any other people not tell anybody else not get any outside influence nothing they're just going to do it all themselves
and the third huge mistake I see people make is they make a decision and they mean it in the moment in the day but they don't change anything else and they don't take any of these action steps and they think okay I'm just going to be done doing a substance but I don't need to get help I don't need to do any of these things
I don't need to change any things I don't need to [00:16:00] stop going certain places I'm just going to not do that same thing anymore that's ridiculous it's not going to work that way I know you mean it I know you mean it when you're thinking it and you're saying it it sounds good on the surface but if you have an addiction it's been going on long enough that it's pretty hardwired in you and you're going to have to take some very active strategic steps
otherwise you're just going to fall back into the old habits and not mean to I mean literally a lot of people will relapse without even thinking like they could just Walk into the restaurant and they've just ordered a drink before they've even thought about it or their buddy texted them and they met their they literally it's like what the heck happened
because you can so easily get on autopilot you got to turn the autopilot off and put strategic decisions about how you're going to structure your day who you're going to be around what things you're going to listen to and put into your life you probably want to avoid watching Movies that glorify drug and alcohol use all these things these are steps you [00:17:00] need to take
and they seem small but they're big they're necessary they're essential because most people rationalize and justify why not do these small little things which are literally the basic things that you have got to do to break an addiction they're so basic but we all have a million reasons why we think we don't need to do this one thing
and in your heart of hearts that's why I haven't been working for you it's because you keep going to that one place it's because you're not deleting the app it's because you're keeping that person in your life it's because you keep convincing yourself that you're going to learn to manage it somehow
it's because you keep lying to yourself that there is some positive benefit left in that relationship with that addiction and it's just not true anymore I know you remember when it was good I'm not saying it was never good I'm saying it's not good now or you wouldn't be thinking about being done
you wouldn't have tried 10 times to get out of it you wouldn't be watching this video so get real and get honest with yourself [00:18:00] recently I've had probably three or four coaching sessions with people actually that Made their own appointment to work on addiction because you guys know I say all the time most of the time
it's the family member that comes to us and then eventually like the person comes to us lately I've had a good amount of people just say Hey I've been watched your videos I just want your help I'm trying to get sober and they're serious they brought them their own selves
they weren't drug in by anybody else or anything like I know that they mean it and they're saying I just keep slipping I don't know why I really want to be done with this but in the same breath I'll usually ask this question just say well Why is it a problem or why do you need to stop doing it
and they'll say well this bad thing happened I had a du I I had a wreck I'm not being nice to my spouse all these things they'll be able to tell me these consequences which is why they want to stop but they'll also throw in these little statements like Oh yeah I'm definitely an alcoholic and I'll be like how do you know you're alcoholic
they'll tell me all those consequences they said but I'm not one of them fall down drunk [00:19:00] alcoholics and that when I hear that's in my mind it's like there it is that's why this person keeps relapsing me is because there's another thought process that goes with the I'm not a fall down drunk alcoholic or I'm not that bad of a drug addict or I'm not like using those drugs I'm just like doing this over here or whatever
I'm not doing it every day you so what you're doing is you're saying yeah I'm an addict yeah I'm an alcoholic I need to stop because causing bad things but I'm not that bad that's very important because the I'm not that bad what that does is it leaves room for I can learn to manage this somehow that thought right there is the crack in the armor in the dam that is allowing you to lapse back over and over again
because on one hand you're like yeah I know that this is a problem for me but on the other hand it's like but I'm not like real bad like some of those people and that thought is letting in the opportunity because eventually you're going to convince yourself that now that you've been away from him for 30 days you've reset your [00:20:00] brain and you can do it again
you just won't let it get out of control or now you can do this substance as long as you don't do that substance that's where the problem is and I've had a lot of people do that lately A lot of people that have called me and said Hey I want to stop drinking I want to stop doing this or that or the other
and I'll say why and they'll tell me reasons but then they'll also tell me how their life is really good and they're functioning and they're doing all these wonderful things and yeah they're an alcoholic but they're pretty functional and it's not that bad and there's some truth in that
there may be some truth in that some of the big horrible things haven't happened to them yet they still have a job they're not in prison or something like that but the correct thought there is I'm not a fall down drunk yet but I will be if you want to put in there I'm not this yet then I'm okay with it
as long as you know you will be and that there's no like loophole around that because when people are still sort of functional or whatever it's just so easy to convince yourself that well I'm not a real addict or alcoholic which [00:21:00] means I don't have to quit completely that's what that's about
if you're having trouble that's the first place I'd look what is your thought process around that how are you convincing yourself that you're either going to manage it differently how are you convincing yourself that you're going to be able to go to these places or keep these people in your life and it's not going to trip you up
this is where the rationalization gets in and the stronger your desire for sobriety is and the more like You really mean it and you're committed the more sneaky this addiction will get it'll stop trying to get you to use or drink or whatever right out the gate it'll just try to talk you into getting close to it
always say it'll talk you into go visit your cousin Ray you know because he is your boy and you hadn't seen him in a bunch of years and it's his birthday and you don't want him to think you know that you're being rude you'll convince yourself why you need to put yourself in a bad situation
if addiction can't get you to use today it'll get you to get a step closer and a step closer it'll get you to start stopping at [00:22:00] that grocery store that's right by that place where you used to get what you used to get because if it can get you close it knows that one day you're going to have bad day and your willpower is going to be low and you're going to be weak and your defenses are going to be down
and if it's got you in the right place at the right time you're done for and there's this sneaky little Little tiny thing in the back of your head that kind of secretly wants the opportunity to slide back and so that's another reason why you're keeping this people place thing whatever it is in your life and not getting rid of it
this is about honesty this is about humility and the willingness to do what you've got to do to get on the other side of it good news is totally worth it good news is it gets easier and easier so pretty much everybody I've ever dealt with that got on the other side of this felt better
like I can literally look at them within weeks of making this choice [00:23:00] and they look like different people and their vibe is like a different person and they're things are better for people usually within weeks and from that point it gets better and better and you become More and more glad that you did that
some of you may have been sober long enough periods long enough that you've experienced that and you know what I'm talking about but somewhere back in your head you convinced yourself to undo one of these things I just told you you convinced yourself that whatever that thing was still positive
you convinced yourself that it's okay to go on that cruise because you've been planning this vacation for a while and I know you're only four weeks sober but you know you you pay for the cruise you need to go on it and you're trying to quit drinking the rationalizations that's what you've got to catch and stop
All right Steph I see you have a question here would it be beneficial to ask these things to someone in pre-contemplation like if you're honest with yourself can you see anything positive from using the substance no I would definitely not ask that question from someone that's in a [00:24:00] pre-contemplative state
now a little like variance on that question that you might could ask would be something like this like like a lot of times people say Dude I've never quit drinking I love to drink or I love to smoke or whatever it is that they're doing and when they say stuff like that you're going to want to tell them all the reasons why
They shouldn't do it don't do that what you can say is you can say is there anything about it you don't like because usually there's something about it that they don't like and you say it sort of casual not pointed not overly serious but you can slide that question in which is kind of like this question but it'll work better if you word it different
If you have someone who's already in contemplation then you can help them think this through by asking them questions like what are the reasons why you want to stop because then they'll start talking about them and ask them more questions about those and then more questions about those
and what you're doing is you're helping them really sort of build a solid understanding about what it's doing for them to them and to the people around them hopefully that helps shayla says how far do I [00:25:00] go with the legal consequences to hold my love on accountable meth use we share an infant he broke my ribs I pressed charges
he's scared and he wants me to drop them
when I first read your question my first thought was you're not in control of the legal consequences but then I kept reading here Shayla and I see what you're saying which is you've pressed charges I watch a lot of true crime Shayla and every time you see this like this domestic violence thing end badly it's like there was charges and the cops were called and the person dropped them
and some states they won't even let you drop them I don't even know what states you're in but in some states they've got new laws where they won't let you drop them and it's kind of a good thing actually to me if he broke your S that is serious I mean to me you need to let
that play out letting him off of the hook for that I know he probably is sorry I know he probably regrets it I know he he probably means it when he says it's never go he probably and I know he is saying all those things I know he means it but it [00:26:00] is going to happen again if he continues to do the math
and so in your situation it needs to be he needs to be already off of the substance for a long time and doing much better before you put yourself in jeopardy you've got an infant
You just can't do that so you can kind of go back to those three steps that I said earlier for getting sober and apply them to yourself in relationship to the relationship you have right here you can care about them you can support them but breaking ribs is very serious and in my mind if they got charges they deserve to get those charges let's see here
karen's got a question daughter sober for 50 days has been buying non-alcoholic beverages mocktails this is a good question Karen I get this one a lot
for years and years my answer was always this is a bad idea because it tastes like alcohol a lot of times smells like alcohol feels like it in your hand sounds like it when you open it like there's so many senses [00:27:00] involved with triggers so many reminders that it activates that craving part of the brain
So I do think that can be risky and I think you got to weigh the pros and cons I'm not as one-sided as I used to be on it because over the years I have had a lot of clients who told me that it actually was very helpful so when I'm working with clients who say should I order an non-alcoholic this or whatever then I say you're going to have to
pay very close attention to how much it triggers you for some people it makes them feel better especially in a social situation when they can have a drink in their hand that looks like a regular drink and they just don't feel awkward but for other people it's just going to make you want the real deal
so I guess it's up to the individual but I encourage people to pay close attention because it is it can be very triggering
let's see mama Ichi Designs how do you help someone on dialysis not drink I don't know that my answer to that would be any different than my answer for any other circumstance it feels like it'd be different because [00:28:00] the situation is more dire and I wish I could say
that there's other strategies you could use but the strategies that I teach on this channel are the most effective ones regardless of the stage if you follow the steps that we teach on this channel those are the steps if you're in our Invisible intervention program that outlines for you step by step how to help someone get sober even someone that's in denial let's see here
Steph says thank you so much Amber for your free content I noticed an almost immediate change in myself and my spouse when I started implementing what you teach I now have hope hey that's awesome thank you for sharing that and I'm so glad that you're seeing results
I feel like usually if from the family member perspective if you start to do these things that I teach you The addiction may not go away immediately but the situation starts to get better pretty quickly and the addiction part eventually comes but the relationship starts to get better first and then the addiction part
So glad to hear you're having good results and thank you for sharing that
Let's see bianca has a question[00:29:00] hey Amber can you gimme some advice on how I can stop having so much resentment and paranoid about everything my husband does
I try to calm my anxiety but I don't believe anything he says that's a complicated question Bianca because I going through that with a loved one can be very traumatizing and some people develop anxiety that's almost like trauma symptoms so I don't know what level yours is but the first thing I would do in your situation is I would stop worrying about whether or not you can believe them
when you're in that state of mind where you're trying to figure out like is he lying he is telling the truth you're just going to make yourself crazy and that keeps your anxiety up and that keeps you in the like snooping spying zone which isn't good for the relationship you don't have to worry too much about telling the truth because if it's addiction it'll show itself
even with my client I don't worry too much if they're telling me the truth I mean honestly I usually kinda know because we're talking to their family members too so I usually kind of know what's going on in the background for the most part but [00:30:00] can I be lied to of course I can be lied to can I be tricked
I can definitely be tricked but I don't worry about it and the reason I don't worry about it is because I know that if there's sketchy it's going to come it's going to show itself like I you don't have to dig for it or look for it their own lies will come to the surface I promise and so if you can have faith in that process Bianca and you know that
It will work its way to the top then you don't feel so stressed about finding it and proving it one way or the other you don't have to addiction shows itself that's what makes it addiction it's because of all that unmanageability it always surfaces every time
Let's see here my husband will go months and then all of a sudden he relapses he still doesn't know how it happens I believe him I think it happens so quick he doesn't know but Dane figure it out how I have seen Jessica we talked about a little bit earlier sometimes people do realize almost in
automatic zone especially if it's like alcohol or [00:31:00] something that's just like easily there that you could just pick up and start drinking without even thinking like out of habit if it's drugs and there's a lot more steps involved in getting access to it then I don't know if I believe that it's that automatic
he doesn't know how usually though there's a vulnerability there that makes you open to it so I would look back through these three things that we just talked about and see which of these three things isn't tight isn't fully in place where is there a rationalization or a justification to get close to it or something like that
where is he making himself vulnerable that's where I would look
jen says how do you get over an addiction to a person my boyfriend of seven years is a fentanyl addict and is in complete denial I'm having a hard time giving up on him well some of the reason why you might be having a hard time could be I mean even when you're using the word Jen giving up on him probably makes you feel I
guilty like of course there's this part of like I miss him I love [00:32:00] him I want to be around him but now you're adding in a part of give up on him which makes you feel bad and especially I don't know anything about your situation Jim but especially if this person is like burned bridges with everyone else and you feel like you're one of the last ties to anything good then you feel like this pressure to stay there because you feel like you're last thing
so I want you to change those words from give up on him to give him some space or give yourself some space because you don't have to give up to back up and give space but if you want to get over someone you have to stop feeding the obsessive thoughts that you have it's actually the very same process as what the addictive person has to do to give up their addiction
it's stop going in the rabbit hole stop thinking about it stop checking in the apps and snooping and sneaking and spying and asking after and all that kinda stuff you're just feeding that obsession in your own brain you're going to have to redirect your thinking and get some distance and the more you can do that the faster you'll heal
[00:33:00] gail says do you feel most addiction stems from trauma how do I best support my ah coming out of rehab Last time it only lasted 48 hours a lot of people in this field will say that all addiction comes from trauma I'm not as big a believer in that as a lot of people I do think trauma will set you up for addiction so I think you're a lot more likely to have addiction if you have trauma than like the general population
but there's a lot of people I've worked with who have real deal addictions who don't have any significant trauma in their past and I know that the word trauma is so broad now that you could look at anybody's life and find some difficult life-changing experience that they've been through but what I'm saying is do they have trauma
does everyone have trauma like more than just you could look at your life my life anybody's life and say trauma I don't think so I know everybody's had bad experiences and you could if you look hard enough you can find something to say yeah that's the trauma that's causing it but I don't [00:34:00] think so
some people develop addictions because they put an addictive chemical in their body long enough they get addicted to it If you think about cigarette smoking we don't have the idea that you need to have trauma in your past to get addicted to cigarettes right we have the idea that if you smoke enough of them you're going to get addicted to them right
Can trauma set you up yes are you more likely yes does everyone no now if you use long enough you probably will have some significant trauma because the addictive process causes trauma you're in bad situations bad things happen you do bad things you lose things and all of those things can cause trauma but sometimes the trauma comes after the addiction
that's a really great question I'm glad you asked it married a long time I like that username says he can control the alcohol he thinks he doesn't do anything horrible but he has had a stroke and doesn't believe it was the alcohol I didn't know he was one how is that possible this is kind of to me it sounds like he is in one of those situations where it's like when you say he doesn't do anything [00:35:00] horrible it makes me think that it's probably fairly functioning but you can rationalize anything I've had people tell me I'm not an alcoholic I've never beat my wife
I'm like what that's ridiculous I'm not a drug addict I've never pawned anything before I'm like what it's not that's not in the DSM criteria there's always a way to say I'm not this bad or I'm not that bad I don't really have an addiction now I'm telling you that doesn't mean that I think you should go and tell him what I just said
that's not what I'm saying don't do that I'm just telling you that's a rationalization and the stroke I've seen people with like very serious medical problems that were definitely stemming from their addiction but there's always a way to say no it's not really the drinking it's not really the drugs
it was this or that or the other there's a way to excuse away most things until your cirrhosis of the liver or something like that so bad that you just cannot deny it and it can't possibly be from something else and then the rationalization is well I've already ruined it anyway or I'm so far in I can't stop
so then the rationalization just [00:36:00] changes from it's not the substance to I can't help it so it's tricky as far as what you do if he thinks he can control it you have to let him work through those bargaining stages
