Overcome Any Addiction On Your Own
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[00:00:00] Yes of course it is possible to get sober on your own yeah you can beat any addiction on your own in fact it's pretty much the only way to do it is on your own because the truth of it is no one can do it for you you are the one ultimately that has to make the choices you are the one that has to put in the work put in the time and
go through the struggle that gets you from where you are to where you wan t to be now there are other people that can help from the sidelines but you're the one that has to do the work and I hear all the time from family members you know my loved one says yes I have a problem but you know I can deal with this on my own
and they say is that really possible and I say sure of course anyone can deal with something on their own but I think we need to dig into it a little bit further because what does that really even mean on your own in my [00:01:00] mind like I said that's the only way to do it is on your own because you're the only one that can do it
so a lot of times when people say I want to do it on my own it means something else other than I want to do it on my own we're going to talk about that in just a second we're going to talk about what people usually mean when they say do it on my own versus in reality and if that's what you mean when you're saying I want to do it on my own you know can people get sober without going to treatment most people get sober without going to treatment so without a doubt it is possible to get sober without going to treatment there are some people who that would probably be the best avenue to go down is to go to some kind of treatment especially if
the addiction is to the point that it's you're so physically dependent you can't stop or the environment that you live in just is not conducive for recovery like maybe you live with people who continue the behavior that you're trying to stop those are the kind of situations where it might be to your benefit to go to treatment but it is definitely [00:02:00] possible to get sober without going to treatment
in fact that's most people do now if when you say I want to do it on my own you mean t any outside input whatsoever at all I mean could you do that maybe probably but why would you want to do that we're coming back to that so hang on to that thought when you say no outside input at all do you mean like I'm not going to read a book read a pamphlet watch a video talk to anyone whatsoever about it
like literally I don't want to have any outside influence no advice no nothing from anywhere do it on my own then I think usually when people say that it means something different and that's what I meant when I said like a lot of times it doesn't really mean that it just sounds like that sometimes when people say I want to do it on my own the translation of that is get off my back
I'm a grown person I'm going to do whatever I want I will figure out what I need to do on my own totally [00:03:00] fair but when someone is unwilling to get any output like literally they won't watch a 30 second video on it or something then that usually doesn't mean like I got this I can do this I just don't want to go to treatment which is like a common response
it means it's just a polite way of getting you to hush up and go away now why would someone say that why would someone be like that it could just mean that they're just not ready to make that change and just because someone in that position today doesn't mean they'll always be in that position
in fact everyone I've ever dealt with has been in that position at some point like shut up go away don't bother me in fact most people at some point say I'm never going to change this stupid I like it like and they'll I call it big talk they'll big talk all over the place and it doesn't bother me one bit because everybody's been down the big top row before
It doesn't mean anything it just means that's how they feel today but that changes over time now another thing sometimes that people mean when they say that is I'm afraid that if I involve other [00:04:00] people in this process that they'll push me to do something that I don't want to do or push me too fast
so a lot of times when people say I'm going to do it on my own what they're really saying is I'm too scared to let anyone else get involved because I'm afraid they'll take over the driver's seat and I won't have any control over my own life and that's an honest you know valid I guess I would say feeling especially when you're having to make a big change in your life and you feel scared
like what if someone pushes me faster than I'm willing to go what if they make me do things that I don't wan and that's another reason why people say the thing like I want to do it on my own but the thing to remember if this is the situation you're in if you're feeling that way which like I said is totally valid is
if you're a grownup in fact if you're more than 16 you don't even have to be a grownup if you're more than 16 years old and you live in the United States no one can make you go to treatment no one can make you do anything like even in the worst case situation where you get yourself committed to [00:05:00] some kinda treatment it's usually only for five days
and even if that they can't make you do anything other than be in the treatment center so There's real no real fear here to be had now people can you know suggest you do certain things or advise you do certain things or maybe even harp on your back about it a lot but no one else has the power to make you do anything else
so I think remembering that you are always the one in the driver's seat might help to alleviate some of that fear about because it's like a fear of letting go of the control but you never are not in control of the decisions of what you do and how fast you do it
you're always in the driver's seat no matter what the other thing that people sometimes mean when they say I'm going to do it on my own they may mean like I'm really going to make the changes but I feel too embarrassed to bring anyone from the outside into the situation whether that's like a counselor a coach [00:06:00] meetings like an i o P program anything like that
maybe they're afraid they're going to see other people that they know in the community if they go into treatment or something like that or if they get some kind of help and that's also another you know pretty common fairly valid thing that they're thinking that I'm going to do this they're sincere in it but I don't want anyone else to know about it
because they feel embarrassed the thing that you might be missing if this is what you're thinking about the situation is I don't want anyone else to know is if you have an addiction that's bad enough to need outside help other people already know I know that's not the best news ever but other people already know and in fact the most important people already know
the most important people are the closest people to you the people that love you the most who care about you the most who are in your daily life the most they already know is it really more embarrassing to say Hey I've got this issue and I need some help with it or is it more embarrassing to [00:07:00] continue down this path where other people and people in the community people at your work people in your family people at your school know that you are self-destructing
think of all the humiliating and embarrassing things addiction makes you do on the regular I was talking to a client earlier today he was talking about how humiliated he feels every time he drinks he embarrasses himself and he's mortified by his behavior you got you know what I'm talking about
you know addiction has made you do things that you feel embarrassed about ashamed about and humiliated about is opening up and telling someone else Hey I'm changing this thing in my life really more embarrassing and humiliating than that I don't think so because at the most it's embarrassing for like five minutes and it's over
and when we really get rational in our thinking here about that it removes that roadblock because addiction is [00:08:00] tricky and it's sneaky and it can lie to you now all that being said here's what I really want to say about it if you truly are of the mindset that you want to do this completed by yourself
like the no input kind of way like the no nothing am I saying you can't do it of course I'm not saying you can't do it but I'm saying why would you want to do that I could say I'm going to build a house I'm going to do it on my own and I don't want no help I could do that right wouldn't be very smart
I'd have to be stupid even if I already knew how to build a house it wouldn't be very smart for me to say I'm going to do it on my own it doesn't make any sense if I don't know how to do taxes I could say I'm going to do it on my own in my case I could tell you it's not very smart you probably wouldn't take that stance with anything else in your life
any other big endeavor that you wanted to take on you would think yeah I need some help I need some advice I need to at least research and know what I'm doing I need to read a book at bare minimum if you're going to [00:09:00] make a big change and you wouldn't think a thing about it and you shouldn't think a thing about it because even if you can figure it out which trial and error you can figure it out
I've done a lot of figuring out trial and error but why put yourself through the misery of that I could say I'm going to build this house by myself and I could refuse to watch a video I could refuse to read a book and I might eventually figured out but dang how long is it going to take me
it's going to take me about 20 times longer than it would've taken me if I would've just reached out to someone anyone who knew how to do it and got some advice about it now does that mean I'm not doing it on my own reaching out and getting some advice about it no it doesn't mean I'm not doing it on my own
I still got to do it but I would be an idiot to not reach out to someone else who's done it before I could find somebody who's done it a thousand times before even better and they could tell me exactly what to do I'm still doing it on my own but the likelihood that I'm going to get it done goes up a [00:10:00] lot and the time it's going to take for me to get it done is going to decrease drastically because if you are just insistent on not listening to anyone else about how to get sober you're just making it thousand times harder than it has to be
truly just like anything else if you were going to try to do something in your life that you hadn't really done before or maybe you'd tried to do it but you'd been unsuccessful at it you've never really done it very well before you you wouldn't be saying that you wouldn't be saying I'm not going to get any input from any outside source you would think no dude I don't want to make all those mistakes especially when it comes to addiction recovery because it's not just that it's going to take you longer
every single mistake that you make every time that it doesn't work there is mega consequences for it and sometimes the consequence is you don't get another chance to figure it out maybe you don't get another chance because your family decides they're done with you you don't get another [00:11:00] chance because you overdosed
you don't get another chance to figure it out because you lose your job do you really want to risk all that by holding onto your pride and saying I don't want to have any outside influence I'm not telling you that you have to go to treatment but I am telling you that you need some kind of outside influence
you need some advice some learning some knowledge from somewhere because conquering addiction is very counterintuitive it's not like your iPhone where you can punch buttons long enough and you can figure it out because that's kind of intuitive you know little pictures and stuff that's not the way sobriety works
in fact it's like what you think is going to work is usually not the thing that's going to work it's the opposite of that so why not save yourself the pain and the misery and the time do you really want to fail at this for the next 15 years or would you rather get on the fast track figure out how it's done make all the right chess moves and be done with it so you can move on with your life
and I'm [00:12:00] saying that to those of you who truly want to get better when you're saying I want to do it on my own but maybe you're refusing to let some kind of outside influence come in for some reason I mean listen to a podcast go to a meeting get a sponsor if you want to get a coach do something to get some kind of influence in so that you don't have to
continue to make mistakes and continue to pay the price because I promise you the longer addiction goes the higher the price becomes it gets bigger and bigger and I know you guys know what I'm talking about like the losses get bigger the shame gets more the financial damage it only grows it doesn't ever plateau
it doesn't level off it only ever gets worse so Why waste the time please allow some kind of outside influence to get into your life even if you don't even want to go and talk to a counselor which by the way is kind of silly if you don't even want to talk to a coach you need to really ask yourself [00:13:00] why
is it because I really don't want to do it and I'm just lying is it because I feel embarrassed about it if it's because I feel embarrassed like is that the thing I should feel embarrassed about what is it is it because I'm afraid that I won't be in control and they'll make me do something I don't want to do
listen if you've got an addiction other people have done tried to make you do things you didn't want to do and it didn't work so you should know you are powerful enough and strong enough because you know everybody's been on a case trying to make you do stuff and it hasn't worked one single bit so if someone tries to make you do something you don't wan So what You've got the power over that you know that you've been stubborn headed this far
you could be stubborn headed then so those fears are fairly irrational when you really look at them truthfully and honestly through that truth lens heck if you're too scared to open up to someone else about it and you want to get better and you really mean it go into the description and get access to my free 30 day Jumpstart program
it's just a series of videos that come to you and give you advice and keep you motivated and help you overcome roadblocks[00:14:00] and you'll never have to talk to anybody about it it is literally an automated process that just happens it doesn't cost you a thing there's no reason for you not to do something like that
And there's a million other things out there like that as well so What do you really mean when you say do it on my own why are you saying do it on my own are your thoughts rational and clear or is your pride getting in your way is the addiction trying to trick you with that kind of thinking
would you really choose to do anything else that you hadn't done or been successful about on your own I mean me when I'm doing something new which is pretty regular because I'm just like that next in kind of personality that addicted kind of personality that's me so I'm always getting into something new totally out in the deep end of the water without a life jacket
and when that happens to me I started reading every book listening to every video every podcast any person I know I desperately start to [00:15:00] consume information and figure out how in fact I've been trying to figure out how to do this YouTube thing for the past several years and I've paid for so many classes like in the past year I've paid
$1200 for a class $5000 for a class on YouTube and you know why because this is important to me it's important to me because it's important to you and I know that having this information can change not just the addict's life that's not even it for me it's because it changes entire families and because it changes families for generations
you know if these videos have any influence and help somebody's mother and wife or husband and father get sober that doesn't just change their life the one that gets sober that changes everybody's life changes those kids lives it changes how those kids will parent their kids
it's important when you make this change it's important it's more than just you at stake [00:16:00] here so if I'm willing to put in tons and tons of time and money and energy into figuring out how to give you the information and there are a lot of other people out there too I'm not the only place to get information
trust me there's a ton of other people out there a ton of other resources ton of other people that know a lot about getting sober if we're willing to put in the time when necessary to get help to figure out how to help you do not let your ego get in the way of you making this change because it's huge
it'll change your life for the better and it'll change the lives of all the people around you for the better people you work with people in your family your children your grandchildren your siblings it's massive how many of you out there have been impacted by someone else's addiction and it is still impacting you today and maybe even happened like years ago
If your life is changed because of someone else's addiction I everyone in my life's been addicted and I can tell you that has had a major impact on my [00:17:00] life some negative and some positive
nonetheless one addictive person impacts about 10 other people and that's on the low side so it's a big choice do you really want to be trying to do that without any advice or help whatsoever it just doesn't make any rational sense so why are you saying that and what do you mean when you're saying that if you mean I don't want to go to treatment then Okay
let's figure out how to do that right I wanted to figure out how to start a business and start a YouTube channel but I didn't want to go back and get another master's degree in business school I didn't have to do that but in order to not do that I had to do a whole lot of learning and investigating on my own
and so yeah of course it can be done of course you can get sober without going to treatment can you get recovery without having any outside influence maybe but it don't look good and it's going to take you a really long time and I don't advise it just like I wouldn't advise anybody else to take on any other big major thing in their life without getting some outside advice and help
there's no shame in that trust me
Jennifer [00:18:00] says there's a fine line between supporting and pushing and sometimes moves depending on the addictive ones mood yeah there is a fine line between supporting and pushing assure anybody out there who maybe has an addiction that's scared to be pushed
trust me you can't be pushed into anything you don't want to be and whoever it is that's doing that you can choose to disconnect from them at any point cause I just want to reassure you that you are always in the driver's seat like the only time you are not in the driver's seat completely isn't if you are committed to treatment
and that can only happen in the most serious of situations and that can only happen temporarily if you're in the United States it is hard to get it to happen so I can promise I've worked in hospitals where that used to happen I used to be part of the team that did the examinations that decided if people could be let off a commitment and that kind of thing
so it it is not likely to happen you are in control let's see I
this is a question lori says what does drinking is part of my personality mean for most people who have a drinking problem it has become such [00:19:00] a ingrained part of who they are that they have made it part of their personality they're the like Mr fun party guy or whatever it is so yes that's probably true but that's not permanent
so why is the person saying that to you a lot of times people are just as scared to let go of the identity and the image as much as they are of the substance a lot of times people are really scared for people to know that they don't drink anymore because they feel embarrassed because they've been so boastful and open and honest about it that it feels kind of embarrassing now to come back and say yeah I made that big change
It's never as hard as people think it is though people almost always respond positively to it the only people that don't respond positively to it are the other people that have alcohol problem so and that shouldn't make you feel bad because you know they're where you were at Analise says My daughter has expressed daily wanting to quit hard drugs but her brain [00:20:00] is rewired
the addiction is strong she has been in treatments and said she can't sit in groups for seven hours again so sad if your daughter has been in several treatments she probably knows what she needs to do she needs to put those things in place can she get better without seven hours of sitting in groups a day
of course she can she could probably sit in there and teach those groups so what is it about that is that that she needs is it that she needs the structure and accountability is it that she needs to be completely cut off from the access of getting it because if if she has the opportunity she's going to do it
There if there's something about the treatment that she needs maybe she can figure out what is the thing about it that I need the most and can I get it without having to sit in groups for seven hours probably if there's a certain thing that you just don't want to do in your recovery like I just don't want to tell everybody every bad thing I've done
can you get recovery without doing that yeah probably as long as you're open to [00:21:00] having some kind of influence you're going to be all right let's see here star says blows my sober mind how my addicted husband or alcoholic husband has a large collection must be alcoholic husband of empty vodka bottles hidden in the barn
I can't wrap my head around his continuing to pile them up is he embarrassed to toss them yes yes he is embarrassed to toss them and he might even think that you don't know that they're out there a lot of times they'll sort of hide the empties thinking that they'll get rid of them like When you're not looking or right before trash day or they're going to take them off to the recycled place their self or whatever
but yeah they that's what it is they're embarrassed about getting rid of them so they're stacking them up and hiding them that's a very common thing
don says love you so much hey love you back I have been having a very hard time one of your videos helped me stay sane had to watch him walk away with his belongings in a buggy he stole over $600 in three days
I'm [00:22:00] dying Don I think and I'm going to do a video about this soon but the words you use in your head and when you write them down and out loud to other people I'm dying I just want you to be careful because words are powerful and even when I talk to my clients and they use big giant especially negative words I say okay let's look at that word right
like if they say I can't do something or if they say I always mess it up or something like that I like to look at it's called cognitive therapy so I would just encourage you to be careful with your words there to make yourself feel better I guess is what I'm saying I totally get it But even if you took the word I'm dying down to I'm worried that would help if you wanted to be even better with your words to help yourself you could say I'm hopeful right changing your words will change the way you feel it will change your outlook and changing the way you feel changes how you act which changes your outcome changes the energy you put out
it changes everything around you which can get you a different outcome so be careful with your [00:23:00] words because it controls how you feel which controls your energy which controls your outcome I know that's kinda like a long formula there
let's see here
asher says my addictive boyfriend officially chose alcohol and moved out yesterday he said he was taking necessities only and would be back for the rest of course all the vodka bottles are gone it says something right takes the necessities only but the vodka's gone yeah it definitely speaks to what what's happening
I don't know if you've seen this or not Asher I did a video a while back saying why do people with addictions choose their addictions over their families their loved ones if you haven't seen that you might want to take a look at it might help you understand what's happening there which might help you feel a little better
janet says I hope I can get my son to take this seriously and accept help I hope so too and if you're watching these videos and you're interacting with him and the ways that we teach the chances of him doing that go way up you change your energy it will change your outcome even the outcome of your relationship with [00:24:00] your son and what's going on with him
demolition says spending 100 days in treatment and outpatient recovery changed my life tried on my own unsuccessfully because I didn't want to admit I had a problem now 450 days sober I love that you said that so it's like I tried on my own because I didn't want to admit I had a problem so if you can't admit I think that's just such a good point you're making because if it's like I can't acknowledge I have a problem then what's the chances of my trying to solve it on my own going to be Right
not that great so it's a great example of what I was talking about like a lot of times when people say I want to do it on my own it doesn't really mean what they're saying it means something else it could mean I'm embarrassed it could mean I don't believe I need to change it could mean I'm scared but a lot of times it means something deeper than what it seems like
here's a question from Anne they are saying they want help but doing nothing to stop and sneaking daily how do you address that I we just talked about this in our membership group yesterday we had a [00:25:00] live call once a month we meet with our members only and they send in questions and we answer them and we had a question like this
When people say I want help but then they're not taking the steps what you can do when someone says I want help then I want you to be prepared behind the scenes with some kind of help options and I want you to help put those options in place because a lot of times an addictive person they mean it when they say it but that little window doesn't last very long
and a lot of times they don't have the resiliency to go through all the steps to get the help like to make the phone calls to ask the questions to check the insurance to find out the options it's a pain in the butt for anybody and so if you're feeling a little ambivalent about it and you're kind of scared anyway and it's a big pain in the butt and you got to make 400 phone calls to make it happen the chances aren't as good
I know other people out there in the addiction recovery world they'll say they need to make the calls themselves I disagree they need to agree to get help they don't even have to say I want help [00:26:00] they just have to say I'll get help so what you might can help in that process you know by saying something like Hey I know this lady who has some videos on YouTube
can I send them to you or can I know a counselor who's on your insurance plan I've heard really good things about them could I call them up or the questions or the things you might want to know so you can maybe assist and go ahead and get those things moving if you have a loved one who's telling you they're not going to get help and they don't have a problem I want you to be doing this behind the scenes anyway
I want you to be doing the research because one day they're going to come to you and they're going to say that and I want you to be ready to act quickly when that happens although I want you to act quickly I want you to be calm and cool about it though because if you start pushing like real hard too fast you're going to hit that like
I'm scared to be out of the driver's seat button so you got to be super cool let them know they're still in the driver's seat but be of assistant I call it it's like opening the doors they're saying yes I want to go and all you're doing is walking in front you're just opening the doors that's all you're doing
they got to step through it you're just helping open the doors so that nothing's in their way
married a long time says I know you don't want us to share these videos but [00:27:00] they're so on point how can we get them to watch them that's a good question I get this all the time I'm glad you're asking I always love for you guys to share my videos love it because it helps me with my mission to help other people
so not only helping me you're helping lots of other people when you do that when you share when you subscribe when you hit the like button you are helping spread the mission and you're helping make sure that you get access to all the videos I'm like but what married a long time is saying is I do frequently say I don't want you to share my videos
in a way that feels like a jab at someone so the way you do it that's actually helpful is you find one of my videos that you know a person will like totally agree with and be down with because I got a lot of videos like I got a lot of videos talking about what the families do wrong find one of them videos and send that video
like I watched this video and Amber was saying I was doing all this and this wrong and like watch it she's saying like me trying to control you is wrong and then they're going to be like yeah I agree with that woman and then maybe a day or two later say I [00:28:00] saw this another video Amber made and find another one that they're going to agree with and send it along
and then what's going to happen is they're going to watch a couple videos and then my videos start showing up in their feed and they're like if they go on YouTube and then they might click on some of those other videos and because they already have some trust in what I'm saying they will have trust built by the time they get to the things that I say that are harder to hear
it is literally the exact same process I teach you to do with your loved one listen and be empathetic and build trust before you ever actually push or say anything hard so do the same thing with the videos same process
and always ask Hey you know I saw this thing would you mind if I sent it to you would you be willing to take a look at it would you be willing to let me know what you thought about it is this woman full of crap does she know what she's talking about saying it in a way that makes them feel in the driver's seat will make it more likely that they'll open the door and let that in
Is it Moura says hello from Portugal hey from Portugal been binge watching your videos as I had an alcoholic male friend I have distanced myself as he is a narcissistic person is that alcohol or his [00:29:00] personality that's another really good question Moura and I actually have two videos specifically that talk about how to figure that out
If you go on my channel or you can even just like search them up but I think they're called something like is it addiction or is it narcissism or is it both I think that's the name of one of them and it'll tell you how to figure that out because addiction makes people act narcissistic sometimes and behave but there's a big difference between someone that looks narcissistic because they're addicted and someone who's really has like For real narcissistic personality disorder and it's a smart thing to figure out because one of those things can be fixed and one of those things cannot
so if you're deciding how much time and effort to put into a relationship and you're not sure which one it is it would be well worth your time to figure that out so very smart question here's a question from Curtis
so if I realize I have a problem and I know what I need to do and I put a foot forward and then fall back how can I keep the steps going forward that is also another [00:30:00] really good question I think first thing you got to do is damage control when you have a slip back because a lot of times when you slip back you can tell yourself things like I screwed it up
I ruined it you know maybe I had 60 days sober and now I'm back to day one that's not true you can't undo your day sober you can't undo your positive steps in the right direction so what you do is you just get back up as quickly as possible you dust yourself off you learn from it and you move forward
and if you're not sure what to learn from it move forward that's where maybe you could like Do some research which is exactly what you're doing right here just sitting here asking this question is doing research and getting some advice and feedback figure out you know what made me fall learn my lesson and move forward
it is a learning process there will be some back and forth in the process and you will figure it out as long as you are continuing to get back up and you're continuing to learn and grow as a person you're going to figure it out
Curtis I do have some videos about relapse which might help you if you're talking about those steps backward if that's what you mean [00:31:00] by that
threaded says is it okay to drink with your boyfriend if they started drinking again after four months on a monitor that's another really good question if your person if you're like let's say you have a person in your life who's alcoholic there is always this question of do I drink with them
if they are telling you that they don't have a problem and they're not trying to stop or slow down then I don't see any reason for you not to drink with them I don't think you should like egg it on or make it worse or you know be like really encourage him to drink too much but sometimes if that person is not in the mindset of trying to change and they know you normally drink and then you stop drinking in front of them they almost see that as a poke or an insult
I wouldn't over drink with them but I wouldn't change your behavior so much as a way of making a statement to them now if they're trying to do better with alcohol and they're trying to stay sober or they're trying to drink [00:32:00] less that is a reason to not drink in front of them because they're going to see that as supportive
so it's how they interpret it do they see it as supportive or do they see it as a dig if they're going to see it as a dig it's not helpful in fact sometimes it makes them mad sometimes it makes them want to drink more cause like Screw you I know what you're trying to say and I'm just going to try to make you mad back they feel guilty about it and they try to hurt you back
Here's a good question my addicted son is saying he doesn't need help but he ruined the whole house atmosphere it's affecting my daughter too how do I handle this great question is he saying I don't need help because he doesn't think he has a problem
is he saying he doesn't want help because he's going to do it on his own I think maybe he's saying I don't want help because I don't think I have a problem if that's the case you don't need to talk to them anything about getting help you need to back up and meet them where they're at which is they think they don't have a problem and there are certain steps that you need to take to help them realize that they have a problem
the biggest step [00:33:00] of which is don't fix any of the messes don't fix their problems and the other piece of that is don't also don't be the bad guy don't let them make you out to be the problem when you can do that's going to help them figure that out faster have ton of videos on the channel about that
look for the playlist called how to Get Someone Out of Denial if that's the case
this is another hard question here how do you get through to an addict in stages of long-term addiction while trying to get custody of your kids you probably don't you're trying to accomplish two things at once which is trying to accomplish keeping the kids safe and doing whatever you need to do to keep some kids safe
If the safety is an issue if that's really a concern then you need to put that first but you're probably not going to be able to stay out of the bad guy role and do that at the same time I mean it could be done if you have a really good relationship with that person already and they're in agreement
but you probably I can't be the good guy be the support person and then also be trying to get custody of their kids if [00:34:00] that's what you're saying I think that's what you're saying so you're going to have to prioritize one over the other if safety's an issue then you prioritize the kids over
if safety is not an issue for the kids then you can go back and prioritize getting that person out of denial first good question though
elizabeth says my husband agreed to try Soberlink as part of marriage therapy but then basically never did the test made excuses didn't help do you recommend Soberlink for trust building and therapy yes I do recommend Soberlink may have seen me do videos about Soberlink I am a huge fan
SoberLink is an alcohol monitoring program it's a device but it's more than just like a breathalyzer like you can get anywhere it's a whole program I'm a big fan but somebody already needs to be sober to be on it or at least have made the decision that they're going to be sober if someone is still actively drinking and then they get on it and they're not even off to any start at all then you might see that
they're making excuses or whatever if someone's not [00:35:00] taking their tests that's a positive all there is to it and so if it's consistently not working then I say stop doing it
the reason is because The longer you let it go and it doesn't work it is becoming a more ineffective tool and I would stop it and then go back to it if he got to a different stage of it and he was more ready I've had people do that several times I've got a person on Soberlink right now who was on Soberlink twice before and it didn't work and now it's working really good
and he says if it weren't for this Soberlink this is the thing that's making the difference if it weren't for this I wouldn't be doing this so you want to sort of know when to play that card I guess is what I would say
david says my wife filed for divorce after 25 years she's an alcoholic and I believe if she didn't drink our marriage could be saved is there any way of getting through to her that the alcohol's controlling her I'm sorry to hear that David you also I know I mentioned it earlier to someone like if you haven't seen that video what the heck they [00:36:00] left me like the addictive person left the sober person which sounds like maybe what you're dealing with and it kind of explains that and why that might help can you get through to her
basically if you're divorced if you're going through a divorce or you are divorced or whatever and you still have a somewhat friendly relationship and you want to help get her out of denial then yeah you can still use all the same steps that I normally teach and a lot of times the person's in the denial because they blame the spouse
most of the time that's the case and so you stepping out of the bad guy role and then you're not even there and then the problem still continues is sometimes helpful for them to see hey I guess it wasn't just him maybe it is alcohol but that may take a while
here's a question is the alcoholic in denial if they want to cut down but they don't want to become sober thank you for all your videos hey thank you for this sweet comment yeah I would say probably some level of denial I have some videos about different kinds of denial there's like the kind that most people think of which is like I don't have a problem at [00:37:00] all
you people are crazy like I'm totally fine that kind of denial like full denial and then there's a okay I got a problem but it's not that bad kind of denial and then there's the okay like this is a bad problem but I can do it on my own kind denial which we're talking about today and one of the kinds is like okay yeah it's a problem but I need to like cut it back
that's sort of that second level which is I have a problem but it's not that bad and those are phases that everyone goes through as they're coming out denial so that's a phase of coming out of denial I guess is what I would say they're not all the way out they're halfway out
kim says do I believe in functional alcoholic I'll give you the quick take on it but a functional alcoholic is just someone in an earlier stage of alcoholism it's like someone that has stage two cancer it's it it's just yes they have the problem but they just haven't lost everything yet and they're still pretending that's the short answer hope that's at least a little helpful
I will put up more resources for you on how to[00:38:00] get sober on your own without having to go to treatment which is fine so that you can not have to go through all those painful ups and downs and take years and years when you can get this done quicker
Thanks everybody I'll see you next time
