Building Lasting Change: Transforming Your Life for Good
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[00:00:00] If you're trying to make a change in your life, and you just can't seem to make it last, like you can do good for a little while, but you keep falling back, you probably think it's because it's a habit, or just some sort of behavior cycle that you can't break. But if you've tried really hard and it's not working, it's probably a little deeper than that.
That's what we're going to talk about I have some really good stories and a lot of great examples because what we're going to be talking about, it is more in depth. Get ready, you may want to take some notes if you want to, I want you to put your thinking brain on here, but if you're not making the progress you want, it's probably because you're not dealing with some sort of limiting belief, and you're not changing the core of who you are, because big changes in life are more than about what Changing a behavior if you've got a destructive behavior pattern, we all have 1 or 2 of those that you're trying to change.
It's probably pretty hardwired in and it's probably tied to [00:01:00] some deeply ingrained thoughts and beliefs about yourself about the world about what's possible. And , you're not going to get. the transformation you're looking for until you confront these beliefs. Now, these could be any number of limiting beliefs, but I'm going to give you a bunch of examples in four different categories, like the four big categories.
We're going to go through those. I'm going to give you some examples and hopefully that will prompt you to start being able to identify and figure out what your own limiting beliefs are that are keeping you stuck. If you've ever had one of those I call it like, a light bulb moment where all of a sudden Somebody says something you read something you hear something you're in a video whatever And then it's like a light bulb goes off in your head and something Shifts and everything looks different to you than it looked before and you just feel completely different because of it That's what i'm talking about.
It's a light bulb moment and probably what's happening there is like you learn something that totally shifted [00:02:00] Your perspective on something important. And it's like amazing how much change happens in that one moment. Having worked with people for years and years who are making big changes, everyone talks about it's the rock bottom, it's the, this, it's the not, it's the light bulb moment, right?
It's the, once you start to see things differently, it's all different from there. And actually, once you have that moment and that shift. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's way easier than what's been happening. I'm not saying there's no struggle, but it won't feel nearly as tough as it used to feel. So identifying this thought process and this belief that's holding you back is super, uber important.
We're going to look at four categories today. We're going to look at relationships, self, money, and of course, because this is an addiction recovery channel, we're going to look at irrational thoughts related to addiction that could be keeping you stuck. All right, so we'll start out with relationships because if our relationships aren't right, [00:03:00] nothing's right?
If our relationships aren't right, we don't function. We're upset. There's drama holding us back and a lot of that drama comes from us inside of our own head. We keep ourselves stuck with. Resentment and frustration and most of that comes from us. I know other people can be aggravated.
I'm not saying other people don't do anything wrong. I'm just saying the aggravation comes from inside of us and I want to help you understand why. For example, I know you've heard this before, but you might not have like completely digested it. The idea that other people are not responsible for your feelings.
Which also is true in reverse. You are not responsible for other people's feelings now I don't say that in the way that like some people say you shouldn't care what anyone thinks ever You can just walk around the earth and say and do whatever and be hurtful or rude or controlling or mean or whatever That's not what i'm saying.
I'm saying When, your intentions are good and, you're[00:04:00] not behaving in a mean or cruel way to someone, if they interpret something. In some kind of way, and that makes them feel some kind of way. That's not on you. And the same thing for you. We do that sometimes to other people and I want you to keep listening because I'm going to give you a really good example of a situation just like this.
I think it's going to make it all come into focus for you. Another thing that can get you really tied up in a bad place when it comes to relationships. Is any kind of shoulds or ought tos that you could be holding on to? I know that seems a little bit confusing. Growing up, we learn lessons from our mama, our grandmama, our best friends, and all these people, and, our ministers, whoever in our life, and about the way the world's supposed to work, about the way people should and shouldn't act, and all that kind of stuff.
And so These things become so wired into us they're very subconscious. We think people should do certain things and they shouldn't do certain things. And the problem with that is when people act outside of[00:05:00] our shoulds and shouldn'ts, we get real upset because they're breaking this rule, this universal law.
It's actually not really a law. It's actually not really a rule. There's really no such thing as shoulds and shouldn'ts. There's behaviors that are more effective and less effective. But there's no such thing as someone should or shouldn't do something any kind of certain way. And when you have a lot of that built up and people don't abide by those, you're going to find yourself real upset, especially if you're the kind of person that feels like there's like a right way and a wrong way to do something.
You're going to find this button gets pushed in your life. And when you let go of that, you will release so much stress. You will free yourself up like the things that used to bother you so much before will no longer bother you now Also with the shoulds is the oughts. I don't know if they say that Oh, we're everywhere in the country like we say in the south, but [00:06:00] you ought to do this and you ought not do that It's another version of should.
Okay. And if you have a lot of ought tos and ought nots, shoulds and should nots, when you feel yourself having a thought like that, I want you to confront it. A thought that occurs to me sometimes that I have to fight with a lot is people should talk to mom and daddy with respect, and they ought not be using attitude when they talk to their mom and daddy.
Now that's one of the things that when I see happen, boy, it will just climb all over me. And I was even like that as a teenager, when I would see my friends talk to their parents nasty. It just didn't work for me. Even if I'm in session and it's my client, usually it's my client. Talking to their parents nasty, I'm like, oh no, I can't even defend you.
Even if you're my own client, we do that because it just hits a button in me because I don't know that I was ever told that. I may have been told that, but I definitely learned that somewhere along the way, like out of bounds, uncool. It's just not cool. So it's one of the things that if my son does, it'll hit my button faster than anything.
And I'm probably like one of the most permissive parents that you've ever met. I know y'all probably don't think so because I'm a addiction counselor, [00:07:00] but it's true. Ask anyone that knows me. Ask all my kids, friends, parents, but the attitude and the sassiness, that'll get me because I have it in my head as shoulds and ought tos and ought not, and it's not necessarily the case.
Now, let me give you an example that really is going to clarify for you what I mean when I say you can't be responsible for other. People's feelings and behaviors. All right.
I got this message that got sent to me Via facebook this week and I didn't respond to it. It's not a nice message just warning, it's not a nice message I didn't respond to it. I just let it sit I definitely felt defensive when I read it and about every second sentence or so when I read it I'm I want to have a sassy talk back to it, but i'm not gonna do that But you guys feel free to do that if you want to earlier this week.
I posted in the community section on YouTube. I posted this comment that I had gotten last week or something like that. And I, and basically, I just put it up and I said, what would you say, or how would you respond to this? [00:08:00] And all you guys jumped on there and then you said all these things, which were like, so much better comebacks than I could count.
It was so fabulous. I didn't respond to that person's comment, but just hearing you guys say it, I felt totally vindicated. I just lived vicariously through you guys. Alright, so here's this message that I got. The person sent me a message says, My daughter who is trying to recover from her relationship with an addict and the loss of a friend has been watching your YouTube videos for therapy.
She's had me watch them too because of what you say, and now she has it in her head that her parents are the problem. She disregards all of her own actions, most of them aggressive and mean, and blames it all on us. and uses your YouTubes as ammunition. You like to talk, but you don't ever consider that your advice backfires.
It does, all caps. We were good until she started watching your videos. You are a hack and you should be ashamed of yourself. BTW, she refuses to acknowledge her drug use. She says it's the way she copes with us. I say that's BS. [00:09:00] Her drug use is her attempt at dealing with the addict that she fell in love with and couldn't handle what he was doing to himself.
Any chance I get, I will shout from the rooftops that you do not know what you are talking about. Have you ever been in these positions? That you love to give advice on. Doubtful. All in capital letters. That's the message that I got. As you can imagine, I had a lot of defensive thoughts about that. What I see here is I see here that somebody that's upset because a relationship is not going well, an important relationship is not going well, her relationship with her daughter.
But she's blaming that on me. And if you, those of you that have seen my videos, you know that like literally this is the opposite of what I teach in my videos. I tell families all the time that if someone has an addiction, they're going to split. They're going to make you the bad guy.
They're going to vilify you. And that is exactly what's happening here. At least that's what this person is describing. I don't I can't really no, for sure. I don't know these people at all. [00:10:00] So you've got somebody who's like projecting all of that frustration on me. Now I can't, I'm not going to take ownership of that because number one, that's not what I talk about in my videos.
And if this person had watched my videos, they would know that actually my messages are the exact opposite. I don't blame families. I do empower families, that there are some things you can do that are more effective and less effective. No way ever did I blame, do I blame families? And also pretty regularly tell you guys, don't use my videos.
As a weapon, that's not what they're intended to do. If you want someone in your life to watch a video of mine, find something, a video that I say they're going to agree with. Don't find some video of mine and use it as a weapon to be hurtful towards somebody.
At least, I can't stop you from doing it, but I'm going to ask you. You guys let me know what you think about that. In the comments, if you want to and put a little emoji beside it. So I'll know that you're that you are responding to that a little face emoji or something. Now, that's an example of how someone negatively project something on you.
But I want you guys to keep watching to the end because I actually have some [00:11:00] really good messages that I've received lately that are the opposite of that to show you how, people are going to take what you say, how they want to take it sometimes. And I'm going to share those with you.
They're very heartwarming. I'll have to try not to tear up, but I'm going to share those with you too. So that way we get in on it. Now, let's move on to some limiting beliefs that you could be having about yourself that could be holding you back in ways that you don't want to be held back. Maybe you want to do something big in your life, but you're telling yourself, I don't know how to, or I'm not good at that.
The thing of it is everything you do right now and everything that you're good at right now. There was a time when you couldn't do that and you didn't know how to do that and you weren't good at it. So telling yourself I can't do something because I don't know how to do that is silly Because
we never have a skill until we practice the skill You didn't know how to read until you learned how to read didn't know how to ride a bike Until you learned how to ride a bike, right?
You didn't know how to use the internet until you learned to use the internet So don't hold [00:12:00] yourself back With the thought of I'm not good at something. You're not good at it because you haven't practiced it enough or done it enough. Now, if it's something you don't care about being good at, and you don't want to learn, then who cares?
Don't learn it. Don't waste your time on it. But if something that you really want in your life and you're letting this idea that I'm not good at that hold you back. That's silly. For example when I first started thinking about doing online Videos and stuff like way back before I even started making youtube videos.
I was having a thought and I thought I don't know anything about technology Counselors don't they're not i. t people for the most part true at the time I didn't even know how to put music on my iPhone. That was the time when you had to like, download music on your iPhone. The only thing I had to do was ask my husband like, Hey babe, can you put this song on my phone?
But, I found myself thinking that thought. I literally can remember where I was at when I was having this like, conversation with myself. I was walking in my neighborhood and I thought. I'm not gonna let that stop me. That's dumb. If you can learn to do it, I can learn to do it. And I figured out all this IT stuff.
It can be learned. Another thought that [00:13:00] you could be have that's irrational, that's a limiting belief that could be holding you back is , any version of my past. It's broken me. I always mess things up because whatever bad thing has happened to me in my past. And I'm not trying to say that bad things haven't happened to you.
Bad things have happened to all of us. But I would venture to say that whatever those bad things that have happened to you, You have some kind of gift or unique perspective, part of your greatness is connected to whatever that bad thing was that happened to you you had to grow special insight ability skills, in order to overcome that.
Instead of thinking to yourself. I can't because I'm broken. I want you to say Actually, I have this gift because of that broken piece It's very similar like you hear about people who have disabilities like if you can't see your hearing is probably stronger It works the same way even with these emotional things.
You just have to look for it and find the ways that whatever that thing is that [00:14:00] has happened to you actually makes you stronger in some way or department. You can succeed because of it. Now another one that's very common is, I can't because I don't have time. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this one because We all know that you have time for whatever you make time for you may have to rearrange.
You may be a busy person. You may have 5 jobs or 5 kids or whatever it is. But I don't have time usually means it's not high enough on my priority list. So whenever you're having that thought, I don't have time. I want you to convert and translate that thought into, is it high enough on my priority list?
Do I want it to be high enough on my priority list? Because it's perfectly fine to say, no, it's not really. Up there enough for me to make time for it. That's okay to do something that you really want. You can't use an excuse of I don't have time. Another limiting belief and hold you back. Is this belief about I need to be balanced.
I don't really believe in [00:15:00] that if there's something in your life, that's not where you want it to be. If for example, if your relationship is in a mess, if your finances are in a mess, if your self is in a mess, you can't fix that and be balanced at the same time. Any area that you're trying to grow in, you're going to have to put.
Extra additional effort and energy and resources into in order to get that area up to part of where you want it to be. Now, there may be seasons in life where things are going okay for you and you are more balanced, but sometimes you're trying to accomplish something great. And people will tell you, oh, you're working too hard.
You're obsessed. You're this, you're that. I don't want to throw you off. No one ever did anything great being balanced, I promise you. Now I would say there are some things you put your time and energy into that are not productive, that are harming you and not helping you. But, this idea of I need to be balanced and I need to like, be good at every single thing, like I need to like, be sure I'm like [00:16:00] a good mom, and I'm good at my career, and I keep my house perfect, and I cook all the meals from scratch, and they're really healthy, and I do meal prep, and I walk the dog every day.
That trying to balance all those things, you're never going to be great in any of those things. So you got to decide what am I okay with either letting go or having someone else do it? But the idea of letting go of that balance and feeling like you need to do everything and your attention needs to be equally divided, it's irrational, right?
You'll hold yourself back because you'll feel yourself growing or focusing on some area that you want to and then you'll make yourself feel guilty about it. Don't do that, because that's the only way you're ever going to get those areas that aren't where you want them to be where you want them to be.
Another self thought that could really be holding you back is a thought about. Self confidence, you could be telling yourself. I'm just not confident enough. I don't have the confidence to pull something like that off. The thing about confidence is you aren't ever going to feel [00:17:00] confident about anything until you feel confident doing it.
And that's not going to happen before you do it. You're going to have to do whatever it is that you want to do long enough, and you're going to have to do it crappy, and you're going to have to mess it up. Long enough that you get confident at it and then the confidence comes if you want to be a singer You can't sit around and wait till you feel confident enough to go sing.
It's not gonna happen people You're gonna have to sing enough times long enough Even when you feel insecure about it, even when you feel unconfident about it Until the confidence comes, so it's action before feeling. Don't wait for that confidence to come. It'll come after you get good at it. Not before.
Let's see. I'm going to move here. I'm going to share another
message that I got that kind of reminds me of this. Confidence self belief kind of thing. This actually came to me yesterday in an email consult. Somebody had filled out the form and requested an email consult on our website. And when you do an email consult, there's a few questions you answer.
You tell me [00:18:00] the backstory. You tell me your question. And then if there's anything else I need to know, we answer you back. Here's what I got in this email consult. And I did get permission to read this to you guys
the email consult said, Hi Amber, I'm reaching out for your insight on how you and your programs can best help me and my family. I'm 64 years old and I've been married for 38 years. I've used drugs and alcohol for most of my adult life. Recent events have brought out my realization, with my wife's hard truth, that I am an addict.
I've abstained from using drugs and alcohol for parts of my life. I know the addictive behaviors are still there. While I have gone to counseling a few times over the years, I have never addressed the addiction problem. Thankfully, my wife found your videos on YouTube and both she and I have been watching many of them over the past week or so.
We have been watching them separate and discussing them afterwards. My behaviors towards my wife and her as a long term codependent have put her in a hole and I have kept her there. [00:19:00] I want to do whatever I can to change so she can get out of the hole and get her life back. I have said I would change my behavior over the years, but it has been short lived at best.
I know I can abstain from the substance use. I've done it at times in my life. It is the destructive self centered behaviors that I want to change. There are many wrongs I need to make right. I owe it to my wife and my kids and myself to change. I pray it's not too late. I want to find people who can help me gain insight and change, and I want to find people who can help my wife in the process.
It seems you and your team might be the resource for that. I'm not sure how much I need to share in my initial email, but my actions and behaviors are too many to list. 38 years of abuse that my wife has endured is overwhelming for her. I want her to get to the point that Where this does not define me as a person, the reason I'm reading this to you is because you can tell from reading this person has had a heart shift.
This person has had a mind shift after all [00:20:00] these years. Why is it that this person decided or not really decided, but open themselves to seeing their situation. Differently. I don't know about you, but when I read this, I can really feel like a genuineness, a humility, a willingness, and most of all, a readiness to make change.
Now, I can also tell when I read this, the person is a little bit stuck on. I've tried in the past, but I haven't done good and the addictive behavior is still there. And why do I keep falling back? I don't know because I'm literally told you everything I know about this person because I haven't met them before.
But my guess is. Is that it was this heart shift. It was this mind shift. It was some sort of limiting or irrational belief that was holding this person back. And probably that was about some kind of limiting or irrational belief about addiction. So let's take a look at those.
And as we look at them, maybe you can think to yourself if you have any of [00:21:00] these, or you can think to yourself, maybe which one of these might have held this person back past and what light bulb came on and what helped this person shift to be not only being able to see. That I have an addiction, but being able to see that I want to get better, being able to see that I can get better, being able to acknowledge how their behavior has affected someone that they love.
That's a lot of light bulbs. That's an amazing amount of humility and willingness. And my guess is, I don't know, my guess is some of that probably had to do with the wife. There may have been years and years that this wife thought he should do this and he ought not do that. Why can't he see that he has an addiction?
And once she stopped thinking that and just backed up instead of saying he should or ought to or all this or all that and let that go and then try to figure out, okay, what might help what's going to be more effective and less effective. It lets the light bulb come on and we get more and more messages like [00:22:00] this notes like this 1st time consultations like this.
It's really quite amazing. For those of you who are thinking, my spouse or kid has been, using for 20 years. There's no way they're ever going to change. They don't think they have a self abuse problem. When you see something like this, which we see every day, it makes you a believer that it's not too late.
People can see it. They can figure it out. And when that light bulb comes on, everything shifts. I'm not saying everything fixes overnight. But everything shifts in that perspective, which then opens up all kinds of avenues towards healing. So let's take a look at those addiction related limiting beliefs.
I'm going to give you some common ones. One of the irrational limiting beliefs is...
I deserve it. Not I deserve it as in I deserve the bad things, but I deserve it as in I'm a grown man. I deserve to be able to have some drinks or I'm a college kid. I deserve to be able to go out and party because that's what everyone does.
And anytime you're having that thought it's an irrational belief, and because you're stuck thinking [00:23:00] that, you're not going to change that behavior. It's it's a feeling of. It's some sort of right or entitlement that you have I should be able to do this what everyone gets to do. This is my way of having fun or relaxing or being a kid or whatever rationalization you're using there.
Another 1 that I hear a lot is I'm not hurting anyone else. I'm just going to call false on that 1. If you're a human being, you're connected to somebody else some way, somehow. And when you. engage in the kind of addictive behaviors that we talk about on this channel, your decisions impact someone else.
So even if you think I deserve it, which I've already told you is silly. Even if you're thinking that, think do they deserve it, right? If you're thinking I'm a college kid, every college kid gets to party and have fun. Really well do your parents deserve to have to pay for, you to keep taking semesters over and over when you fail?
These are the kind of thoughts that you have to confront. You have to get really [00:24:00] honest with yourself. If there's something in your life that you wanna change, that you know needs to make a change, It's probably because you're not being honest with yourself somewhere. And that's what today's all about.
It's about identifying those places where we might be, and we'll dishonest with ourselves. Here's a big one. It's totally not true, but you hear it all the time. It's fun. If it's an addiction, it's not fun. Or at least what I'll say, if it's an addiction, the unfun part. is way bigger than the fun. That's what makes it addiction.
The consequences outweigh the benefit. That's why it is an addiction. It's like the definition of it. So if you're having trouble figuring that out for yourself and weighing the fun versus consequences or whatever think harder about it. . When you're looking at addictive behavior, there may be some ghost fees in there that you're not calculating in to your. Formula when you're thinking about is this fun? Is it not?
Is this helpful productive thing for me to do or not? Another version of that is it helps me. They [00:25:00] refer back to the last 1. it's very similar something. I hear some people say a lot is something's going to kill me anyways. That's one of those limiting beliefs. One of the things that I would say to confront that is, okay, but do you have to kill five people with you along the way?
Because probably if you're killing yourself with an addiction, you're hurting a lot of people along the way with you. So that's where I think it comes into, you really need to get honest with yourself. And then of course there's like the good old classic one of everyone does it. Which isn't true and even if it was true still not a good reason.
I'm going to save our last little message for the very last. It's a really good one but before we do that, we're going to move on to money irrational beliefs because a lot of you probably do have goals or things in your life that you want to accomplish That are related to career or finance or money somehow And I find that probably of the limiting beliefs people have, there's more about money than probably anything else.
The number one limiting belief that you hear almost all the time about money is you hear people [00:26:00] say, I don't care about money. That's ridiculous. And what I would say to that is why do you go spend 40 or 60 hours of your week doing something in order to earn that money? You don't care about because it's not true.
Everyone cares about money, but people think you're not supposed to care about money and that limiting belief comes to an even deeper limiting belief in that. People think that money is evil, corrupts you somehow, and that's just not true at all. Money is not evil. It doesn't corrupt you. Now, you can do evil things with money if you're an evil person, you can use money for not great ways.
You can let money corrupt you, but money itself is not evil. And wanting to make money and build a career or build a life isn't a bad thing in of itself. And I wouldn't let that stop you from going after what you want because what's really going on there is this, that's a fear about what other people think about [00:27:00] you.
You are not going to be honest to yourself. You're not going to let yourself go after what you want because you think makes you a bad person and you're holding yourself back because of that. Subconsciously, which I'm telling you, it's just not true. Think of all the wonderful things that money does, right?
For example, when I was making my notes for today, it came into my mind. I remember, I can't remember when it was, but I was watching this documentary on Bill Gates. We all know Bill Gates has tons of money, right? In a documentary, Bill Gates spends, like, all of his time and energy trying to figure out, and all of his money, trying to figure out how to have effective and efficient waste management services in these countries.
That don't have clean water. He literally spends all of his money and time and like brain power, trying to solve this problem so that in these countries that are very impoverished, they're having an effective way to eliminate waste, like oil it. And that's, it may seem like, wow, that's what he spends his time.
He's like a tech genius and he's figuring that out. That [00:28:00] is such a massive way to create change in the world. It's not sexy problem to solve, right? But it's a massive human problem and he's taking all of that power that he has all those resources that he has to solving that problem. There's nothing evil about that.
So we have to, get rid of that thought, other thoughts about money are I just want enough to be comfortable again. That's not an honest thought. That's a thought about what will other people think of me if I want more than that. And that also connects to another learning belief about money, which is.
This one's usually subconscious you have to really dig in deep to see if you have this one And there's this thought of there's a limit on the amount of resources out there, whether it's money, food, clothes, whatever. There's like this finite amount of it out there And if you take too much of it, then someone else doesn't have enough And so then that on a subconscious level makes you feel guilty which holds you back, but that's not true There's unlimited [00:29:00] amounts of resources and the great thing about money and resources and creativity is you put the two things together and you multiply the resources and you make more of it and you make more resources to help.
For example, if you're an entrepreneur, you work really hard to make money and you help some people somewhere with some kind of service. That's what entrepreneur is and you help provide. Businesses, which employ people, and that helps their family. So this idea that there's like a selfishness or a guilt associated with money.
If you have career goals, money goals or financial goals, and you feel like you're being held back. I would dig in deep in this money issue. See if you can find where you're limiting belief is another 1 that I hear a lot is I can't afford it again. That goes to a limiting belief about the availability of resources.
It's a lack of either creativity or it's some sort of way you're holding yourself back. Sometimes it's a matter of prioritizing like the time. It's just not where I want to put my money, which is totally fine. I [00:30:00] can't afford it and I don't want it. It's two different things. It's totally fine to be like, I don't want it, or at least I don't want it that bad or I don't really care that much about it.
Completely fine. Another one I hear that kind of irks me a little bit. Sometimes it's like, When you hear people talk about like being entitled on being given money like i've heard young people say usually they're my clients say things like My parents have plenty of money. Why shouldn't they just pay for that?
That's their money And they're like they spend it on this and that and they bought themselves like cars I'm like, you're not owed that money You hear it like that in that like young person immature way, but you also hear it People talk about whatever they get paid at their job, and sometimes I hear people say that guy over there.
He makes like 3 times as much as me. He doesn't even have a family. He just has his own self and he just goes on vacations. And I'm the 1 over here with 5 kids and 2 ex wives and 3 dogs to take care of. I should have got the race. That's ridiculous, people. The amount of money you get paid at a job should be fairly proportionate to the amount of value you bring to the business.
Not how long you've been there, not how many bills you [00:31:00] have. That's, these are these irrational beliefs that can keep you stuck. Now, if you're working somewhere and they don't pay you appropriately, then leave. Then prove your value and ask for more money. Then go somewhere else. Start your own thing.
But this idea of they should pay you more, that's one of them shoulds. You got to find it. You got to call it out and confront it. It's going to keep you stuck. Let's see. Let's move on to our last little message. It's a really good one. You're going to want to hear it. And then if we have time, we'll take some questions.
Let's read this last message.
It says, I'm writing to say thank you for pulling me out of the darkness of alcohol. I'm 52 years old and I've been drinking a bottle of wine every day for seven years. I had a health scare this year and I tried to quit, but I could only make it five to ten days max. I remember thinking, I'm just going to drink like this until I die.
I had totally given up, and then I stumbled across your video titled, What's it really like to get sober? The No BS Guide.[00:32:00] Something just click. There's no other way to describe it. I could see... and name addiction for the first time. Today, I'm 72 days with no drinking and I never and never, as in all cows, want to go back to that place.
I'm using the strategies to stay ahead and when I have a bad day, I just remember your words. It will get better, I promise. Thank you for being you and for helping people see the light sending love to you all. Now, isn't that a nice message first of all? Like it makes my heart swell up and my eyes get teary But the thing I love about this as you can see this is a light bulb moment, right?
This is what happened for this person is a shift in thinking Suddenly I could see this problem differently because I could see it from a different perspective The solutions opened up for me, and that's what I mean. You can see this person says I try to stop, but I couldn't make it very long.
It's literally usually just[00:33:00] some belief thought process or roadblock or stuckness, but it's usually psychological and not all of those other things that we think are getting in our way. It's not that we can't do it. It's not yeah. Somebody else in our way, somehow we're keeping ourselves stuck. And if you feel stuck in something, I want you to look deep inside and find where your irrational, limiting beliefs and thoughts are, because to really make a change, it's not about changing a habit.
It's really not. It's about changing who you are as a person. If you want to do differently, you have to be differently. If you want to be. Bill Gates rich, which is awesome. Go for it. Then you have to become that person not you have to like, change a certain habit. You have to change who you are from the core and on inside.
And this identifying where you're stuck is the 1st. Step of that, if you want to be [00:34:00] sober, then you have to think how sober people think, how do they feel, how they behave, what are they like, and you have to become a sober person and the behaviors and the feelings will come after that. It's a deep change.
We have a couple good questions on here. Question, Debbie. How do you tell when you've crossed the line into obsession? Addiction to fixing of a problem. I was accused by a friend of being obsessed with working out. That's actually a really good question because that's a really good example, Debbie, of what we're talking about today.
You've got to ask yourself, is it working for you or against you? You can be addicted to exercise. It's true. I've seen it. You can get so addicted to it that your life is falling apart that your physical health is actually getting worse and worse because you're obsessed with it. That's the line where...
you cross where it's not helpful for you. So it could be that, or it could be that whatever you're doing, you're exercising makes this [00:35:00] other person in your life feel guilty or feel bad. Or maybe they just feel left out because you're busy all the time or something like that. And that's really not a you thing.
That's a them thing. And that's where you got to really look inside and get honest with yourself. Is there any truth in that? If there is, let's pull it out on the table and deal with it. Or is this something else going on with someone else? Is this person putting a should on me? And do I want that?
Good question. Let's see. Hubs will talk mean and then say, I should never take anything as mean because he loves me. That's the line of his responsibility versus the way I'm taking what he says. What's the line between his? Responsibility and the way I'm taking it says if somebody's saying mean things to you and they're being mean You know, there's there is a pretty clear difference, but you can't be really nasty to somebody You know, I can't go slap somebody in the face and then tell them like quit being a wimp.
That's ridiculous, right? So you got to ask yourself [00:36:00] like where is the line between his responsibility and my responsibility? I would say, you know your responsibility and it is If he's treating you mean and you're subjecting yourself to that over and over, maybe that's where your responsibility is.
Not that you shouldn't interpret it that way, but maybe you shouldn't put up with it or something like that. But that's where you gotta really look inside. You can't act nasty and then tell the other person that's your, their fault. That's your self responsibility. But if I'm making YouTube videos to help people and someone else out there takes it as me ruining their family, that's them, like that's the difference.
And I says question. What about my big emotions that come up when my loved one doesn't respect a boundary that I have set? I can't help but get emotional and feel resentful when I have to enact the boundary. That's a really good question. Sometimes , we want our partner to do something maybe it's just a regular thing. We want them to take out the trash and they don't take out the trash and they're like, you're not respecting my boundary.
That's [00:37:00] really your request. And then if you have a bunch of requests. But if you have them in your head that it's a boundary and they're not doing it, then you're going to be frustrated. And sometimes if you just put it over into the category of it's actually a request. A boundary is something protective of yourself I'm going to make sure I have enough money in the bank to pay my mortgage.
I am not going to stay in a relationship where somebody is mean and nasty and abusive to me. I am not going to ride in the car with someone that I feel is unsafe or intoxicated. Those are boundaries. It usually has to do with safety, wellness, being okay in some way. Other things that we get frustrated.
About sometimes we call them boundaries, but they're like more like request and so separating those 2 out may help you to some degree. You're not going to love it. When they don't do what you request they do. I'm not, you're not gonna feel great about it, but if you try to put like a consequence, if you try to say, if you don't take out the trash, [00:38:00] I'm going to do X, Y, or Z, then you're really going to be frustrated because then you put yourself, because what you're saying is I feel upset when I have to hold the boundary.
That's what I think you're saying. And so if you put A boundary, a consequence, if this, then that, with everything, you are going to wear yourself out and it's exhausting.
What about the excuse, I'm too old to change, or at 60, I don't have that many years left, so why go through the work it gets over? That's a really good one, right? Both of the messages that I read you today were from people over 60. So I say that's a bunch of bull. You want your last years to be crappy? You want your last years to make everyone else's?
Crappy? Let's be real. Stop putting yourself off the hook. Cannery, what are good ways to remind yourself of the ghost fees that come with addiction, but more so addictive behaviors? I think you really have to like, I can tell you some really common ones, right? Like damaged relationships, damaged self esteem damaged career, damaged finances.
Those are ones [00:39:00] you can see. You can see those impacts in almost any addiction. But there are some real subtle ones that may be very specific to you. Not feeling great, high blood pressure, being more anxious. I'm not having the energy, not being motivated, not having the energy to go after what I want, not being the best father or mother or parent that I can be.
You have to really look at what's really the cost. And when you look at it, those costs are going to far outweigh the benefit.
How can I rebuild trust in myself and my own judgment? After my addict fiance died from an overdose, he lied so much and did terrible things, but I loved him. I don't know if I can ever trust again. Lauren, I think that
I'm trying to think through how I want to answer this for you because I want to give you this is a honest, really good question. So I want to give you an honest answer. I think that. It's okay not to trust right out the gate. It doesn't mean you have to act on that distrust, but for you let's say you're dating [00:40:00] someone again and you don't trust them you're trying to learn to trust them.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to dig through their phone, put spy software on their car or whatever you don't have to behave in that distrustful way, but you also can be realistic with yourself. And make sure that you do get to know someone about what's going on. But my guess is what you're saying is really more about I don't trust myself to hold a healthy boundary with someone and that probably, if you're having trouble doing that, probably goes back to one of these other deeper things like maybe you have a thought in there, if I'm being mean, if I hold a healthy boundary, is that what's keeping you away?
Because if you're having trouble doing that, that could lead to you not feeling like you trust yourself. Because you feel like you betray yourself by not holding the healthy boundary. Is it truly really that you Don't see it or is it that you didn't want to see it? And maybe it's true that you didn't see it for a while because people can hide those addictions for so long But once that happens to you once it becomes so hyper vigilant [00:41:00] in your mind that you really almost can't miss it I know you can miss it for a while the first time but It's hard to miss it after that even when you're trying not to see it.
So if it's happened to you once, it's going to be really high up on your radar. You can trust that.
What are your thoughts about forcing treatment such as residential treatment on my adolescent? I have mixed thoughts about it. That's a really hard question that there's not a great answer to. In some ways, I'm not opposed to it at all. Even with an adult, when someone is killing themselves and they're killing everyone around them.
I don't have a problem with it morally or ethically. And if it's a young person, a teenager, then you may have to do what you need to do to keep them safe. But I do think that it's wise to weigh in. No one's ever going to want to go to treatment. I don't care if they want to go.
That's not the thing. Does this person realize that they have a problem on some level big enough that if you forced them in there, and they were in there long enough that it might take because if you're dealing with a 14 year old [00:42:00] who is like smoking weed all the time or something, they literally think you are being ridiculous.
There is 0 clue in their head that it is a problem. They're not even close to the contemplative stage of change. I'm not saying you shouldn't force some treatment because if whatever they're doing is so reckless that they may die before their brain can mature enough to figure it out, then, do it, but if you can wait until the point that the consequences start to outweigh the benefits, then when you do force them in there, it has a lot more likely chance to take.
I'm not saying wait till they say that they're a drug addict and they need to go. I'm saying wait till at least, that they know it's a problem, whether they want to say it out loud or not.
I don't want to abandon people who need help. I'm a rescuer. There it is, Lauren. I love it. You identified your thought. So it's really not that you can't see what's happening. It's it's a limiting belief about feeling guilty for not fixing other people's problem. That's where your thought is.
Nancy says my son [00:43:00] said he can't imagine a life without drugs. I was at a loss of response and I froze. How can I revisit this with him? I probably wouldn't bring it up out of nowhere. Missed your moment, but you'll get another moment. So don't worry Nancy, but I would just ask him some more about that.
If you get that moment again tell me more about that. Usually that happens because. When they're sober, when you deal with someone in active addiction, and they're sober, they're miserable. They're in withdrawal. They're irritable. They're anxious. They can't sleep. They have no coping skills. They can't feel joy with anything else.
Yeah, imagining life without drugs or whatever they're addicted to sounds terrible, but they don't have a very accurate picture. of what that life would look like. So sometimes that's the thing. And sometimes they're just telling you that as emotional blackmail. Like sometimes they're just saying that so you get off their case because you think, oh my gosh, they can't live without it.
They might hurt themselves. You have to dig through what you think is really going on.
