How Long Does It Take To Get Someone Out Of Denial About Their Addiction?
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[00:00:00] how long does it take to get someone out of denial? As that really depends on where they're at in their stages of denial. Yes, denial isn't a black or white issue, like someone's in denial or they're not. There's actually little like layers of it and people tend to have to go through every single one of the layers to Come out the other side and actually fully realize the reality of the situation.
So I'm going to talk to you about what those stages are and how to think about helping someone move from one stage to the next, because there are things you can do to help this denial process go a little faster. You can't make it go away immediately, but you can speed it up is what I like to say.
And then we're also going to talk a little bit about. What is the overall general messaging that you should be thinking about when trying to help somebody who has an addiction, when you're trying to be supportive and caring, what's the overall messages that you want to [00:01:00] send because so often when we're In this with a family member and we're really scared and we're really angry and what they're doing is messing up our lives we get so upset and emotionally reactive that we do all the wrong things we start telling them things like You're never going to beat this you always say it's going to be different.
It's never going to be different and then we The worst thing is, what's different this time? We've said that, right? I've said that. But I've tried to make myself stop saying that. Because then the person, you literally put doubt in that person's mind, who maybe is actually even thinking about trying it.
They're like, I don't know. I always fail, don't I? So you do not want to send these messages. Every time you do that, you're sending like these subconscious planting these little seeds in their head, that they're not going to beat it. We're not going to do that. That's not the, that's not helpful. So let's take a look at those stages of denial before we go much further.
Believe it or not, someone that's in like full denial, like I don't have a problem at all, that's [00:02:00] actually the easiest stage to deal with. I know you probably think that would be the hardest stage, but I think that's the easiest stage because It's really clear how to get someone out of that. I'm going to tell you, so hang in there.
It's when we get down to these later stages, this number four and number five, that's a little tricky. And especially when someone gets in number five, it can be, that can be so far into it, it's are they going to come out of it? That to me is the scariest one. So this first level, we're going to start up here, I'm going to call this full out, complete denial.
I do not have a problem. Y'all people are crazy. I don't even know what y'all are talking about. Like I barely even drink or I do that. Yeah, but everyone does that or whatever, they have this like complete, not even it's a little problem, like completely, it is not a problem at all. That actually is the easiest one to deal with because all you have to do to fix that one is step out of the way.
Literally, you don't even have to do anything except stop doing anything that you might be doing to help fix [00:03:00] any problems that addictive behavior could be causing. Once they start to see that those problems begin to show up, they will start to connect the dot. That, okay whatever this is.
It's causing some problems and then eventually if you'll do that long enough, they'll move into this Second stage and these aren't formal stages. Like I don't think you can find them in an addiction book anywhere I made these names of these stages up because I've been doing this for 20 years and Usually especially in private practice people that come in my office are usually in some level of denial and I've had to figure out There's categories so you can figure out how to work with each one.
So this second level I'm just going to call it like minimization. So it's okay, yeah. Like occasionally my drinking gets out of hand. Okay. Maybe I, partied too much the past six months, my dad just died or something like that. So there's a tiny little acknowledgement that there's a problem, but it's minimized.
That's why I call it this, the minimization stage. And they've in their mind, it's okay, yeah, like [00:04:00] that got out of hand those couple of times one or two times or for that little short period But I got this under control or it's going to get back under control. So there's still like a lack of Understanding the depth and the breadth of the issue then it oh, let me say this one another version a sort of a I don't know, level 2.
5? Man, now I've got little sub levels. Under minimization, I forgot to say this was a half step here, is this, okay, I got a problem, but I'm not as bad as those other people. I went to some meeting and I'll tell you what, them people done some bad stuff. I'm not nearly that bad. So there's the, it was just a phase, just the, like random bad things happen level.
And then there's okay, but it's not as bad as XRZ. I don't hit my wife. I've never pawned anything. I don't steal things, just Oh yeah. This is a halfway minimization here. And. You might be surprised at how you need to handle this one. How you need to handle that one is you need to say I know you're right What you're going to want to do when you hear someone say that is you're going to want to Go into like [00:05:00] lecture mode or scare tactic mode and you're going to want to say Oh, no, it's bad you know You just want to give them this whole lecture because you're trying to Force them to see it faster.
But the more directly you come at denial, the stronger it gets in my mind. It's this force field between you and the person really. Actually, it's a force field between that person and reality, but when you're working with this person and trying to get them to see something, and if you start to attack this force field, it's going to get stronger and.
It might be helpful for you to also remember that this is a defense mechanism, which means denial is some sort of psychological protective thing that's happening. What it means is their ego isn't ready to see it. And so even if you could Rip someone's denial down, which doesn't usually work. If you could just bust through it with a tank or something.
They might fall apart. Some people, when I'm working with them, it's like I want them to see it's bad, but I don't, [00:06:00] I actually don't want them to see how bad it is because that could scare them so bad they would never come out.
So it's just a balance. We'll talk more about that balance in just a second. Stage number three is called I could do it myself. So in this stage, the person's yes, this is definitely a problem. I may not be like the worst addict out there, but it's definitely a problem, but I can totally do this myself.
So now we're moving into an acknowledgement that there is a problem, but there's a lack of awareness about exactly what it's going to take to fix the problem. So as you can see, it's we're peeling back these layers of force field here. And now we're somewhere in the middle, which is, I don't know how talking to some stranger.
Counselor person is possibly going to help me beat an addiction, which actually I can follow that line of thinking It is hard to wrap your mind around that And I definitely don't know why talking about my problem in front of a group of strangers is going to be helpful and so it's like I don't need all that.[00:07:00]
I just need to Toughen up. I just need to get my act together and have more willpower There's a little truth in that, but most people don't realize how many things that they need to change in their life, like logistically, people, places, and things. That's the first level of simple changes that have to be made.
And then don't even get me started on the depth of the psychological. Things that have to be changed in order to can to get yourself out of an addiction and stay out of an addiction Because it's not just the substance the thing the behavior or whatever as that addiction has gone on and on you have wrapped So many psychological defense mechanisms around that Rationalizations, justifications, resentments, grudges, you've got that little addiction is like this little seed inside and it's got this infection of psychology around it.
And if you don't deal with that stuff and a lot of people talk about it can be trauma and it could, but that's not there for everyone. That's another [00:08:00] video. We'll talk about that some other time, but I'll tell you what is there for everyone. It's this like psychological. infection. And it's because in order to have maintained that addiction for as long as you did, you've had to convince yourself of some things that aren't true.
And you've had to develop these ways of decision making and stuff like that, , that are now really just habit. And so even when you take the addiction out, You don't mean to but you fall back into those old habit ways of thinking like for let me give you an example One of the things people with addictions do is they have to have a bad guy They got to have a villain in the story that villain is usually the person closest to them It's usually the parent or the spouse or the roommate the person I live with it is the person that sort of knows them the best it's that person because That's the person that knows what's up.
That's the person that knows more of the truth. And that person is usually the one that's like trying to force them out of denial. So you've got this. Addicted [00:09:00] person and then you got this villain and I don't mean they're really a villain like they usually love this person Loves them back, but there's a real contentious thing going on here and sometimes consciously sometimes subconsciously But nonetheless this will happen the addicted person will start fights with this other person.
They will set this other person up to Act like a crazy controlling person. They will in their mind, they have these narrative set about the way things work and they will subconsciously be recreating that scenario over and over most of the time, not realizing it, but they will. And so that's what I mean when I say understanding there's a problem.
Is actually not as hard as understanding the depth of everything that's going to have to happen to get you out of this. Like you're literally going to have to change where you go, what you do, how you have fun, how you interact, you're going to have to change. Sometimes you have to like physically change your location, but you're going to have to.
address and assess all those Mental psychological layers. That's where the counseling [00:10:00] actually comes in or the help You know when people say you can't do it by yourself and you need outside help That's actually where that comes in It really doesn't have anything to do with some kind of outside help making you not engage in addictive behavior what's a counselor going to do to make someone not drink?
Nothing, no, there's nothing anybody can do to make that happen, even a sponsor, anybody. But what the support people can bring, whether that's a support group, a counselor, a sponsor, recovery coach, whoever that is, is they can help you to unravel that infection of psychological defense mechanisms that we were talking about a second ago.
Now. These next two. I think they're a little harder. Those first three, I know as a family member, it's maddening when you see that and it makes you feel crazy. But when I see that, it does scare me because I know exactly where we're at and I know what needs to happen to get us through those.
So what needs to happen when someone minimizes it and says something like, I'm not that bad, you say, I know you're right. So glad that you are catching on to this [00:11:00] before you get that bad. Because when they say that, there's usually some truth in it. So don't argue with them. Say you're right. When someone says I can do it myself, guess what?
Don't argue with them. Say you're right. Say, okay, what's the plan? And let them come up with a plan and let them try doing it their self, and then guess what? When it doesn't work, usually they have to try that 3 or 4, sometimes 5 times, the by themselves thing. Then, they'll be out of denial about that. The way you get someone out of denial isn't you tell them the answer.
You cannot tell them the answer, and you definitely can't push the answer on them. You... Let them figure it out faster by saying, yeah, you're right. Let's try that. The faster you do that, the faster they'll get out. This next level is difficult. And that is once they figured out I've got a problem, I can't fix it.
Myself is bad. I have alcoholism. I have addiction. I'm really like, this is a big deal. Then they'll move into this stage of that's just who I am. That's what I'm naming this [00:12:00] stage. That's just who I am. So they've just. Decided that it's just their identity i'm just that guy that drinks too much.
I'm just that i'm just the pothead living in his mom's basement They just take it on as who they are and sometimes they'll even take it on with a sense of pride now underneath that there is some Negative feeling shame and guilt but a lot of times the way that will present that is pride how many times have you heard people?
Brag about being able to drink someone else under the table, and they'll say, Oh, you're a lightweight. Like it's a badge of honor. The person that can drink the other person on the table. That is the person with the problem,
once you get to that point where you take it on as your identity, then you take that pride and you just hang on to it so that's hard to get through because sometimes people even.
really do come to the identity especially if they're young, like a teenager or a young adult they may still be perceiving that as a kind of a cool identity to have. And so they may cling to it. And a lot of times when I deal with young people,[00:13:00] They'll get to the point where they're really ready to let go of the substance or the addiction long before they get to the point that they're ready to let go of the image and the lifestyle because that for young people, a lot of times that is the major pull more than the substance.
It's being this cool kid. It's this. lifestyle image, which usually isn't true, but this thing they have in their head about who it makes them and they don't want to let go of that. Now this last one, the number four is hard to deal with, but it can be dealt with.
But this last one is really tough. This is the one that I don't know that you can get everyone out of. This last stage of denial, I'm going to call it, I'm too far gone. So this is a full recognition of, I have a problem. This is like the other end of it. This is I have a problem. In fact, I'm like the worst addict in the room.
Not, I'm not as bad as those but now it's no I know i'm the worst one in the room like I can't get better that one is very hard to pull out of because The number four level it's just who I am. There's like this [00:14:00] pride thing in it this level There's almost like this hopelessness despair kind of feeling in it.
And that one I think is the most difficult this one is almost like This person has put themselves on hospice. This person has just given into it completely. And a lot of times a person that's in this far level
it's not so much they have a plan and they're going to do something, but more they don't really care if they wake up. So , when you're talking to this person about how dangerous whatever they're doing is, you might as well be beating your head against the wall. Because it's not that they don't know it's dangerous, they don't care.
Because at this point they're so miserable, they're so depressed, they're so anxious, they've dug such a deep hole, they've burned so many ridges with the people around them, like they can't see a way out. Now, with addiction, There's always a way out, but it is harder. The deeper you go into it, especially the more bridges you burn, because as you're going through those other four stages, you're burning bridges because the [00:15:00] people around you are going to start trying to get you to see it and trying to help you and bailing you out of trouble here and there.
And Encouraging you along, but then, you reject those people. You don't listen to those people. You say, leave me alone. You say, you don't know what you're talking about. Sometimes you take advantage of those people and one by one, all of your whole family, friends, support network began to just fall away by the wayside.
And by the time you get down here in level number five, you may still have some friends, but they're probably in that same stage as you are. And so I don't even know that you could call it friends using buddy. I don't know. You get each other but you're so addicted to , whatever the thing is. There's not a lot left to give to any kind of friendship.
So there may be a little loyalty or something there but it's hard because neither one of you can put anything ahead of the addiction because it's just that far gone to me. That is. The really difficult one. Sometimes when you have someone in that phase of it, [00:16:00] I think that's when you need to skip the Amber videos.
I know I said, I can't believe I said that. Skip the Amber videos. That's true. You need to skip my technique and you need to go to whatever you need to go to. And sometimes that means. The person gets arrested. I'm not saying you have to get them arrested. I'm just saying sometimes I thought that's what it means Sometimes it means the person gets committed to treatment or some whatever because this person is Literally at the terminal stage of it and they don't have this thing inside To even want to get better and that's what I mean when I say that like I don't have problem That's easily fixed.
Guess what? Everybody gets past that Because it becomes clear, you can no longer hide from it. And so it's this stage that's the most difficult. Now, I told you, I was going to tell you a little bit about the messaging that I want you to be not just sending to them, but also believing yourself because messaging doesn't work if you don't believe it.
It just sounds weird or corny or [00:17:00] fake. So you have to really believe this. And I think you probably do deep down inside, you just get angry at the person and you just say the negative things because you just want them to wake up and see reality. It's not going to make them wake up. It's this weird balance between getting someone to see. Dude, you got a problem? It is bad. In fact, you about to ruin your whole life. So you gotta at some point, they gotta see the depth of it. But at the same time,
it will help them see the depth of it faster if you can present it in such a way that let's see, protects their ego in some way. So it's dude, you got a bad boy. Wow. I can't believe your wife's not left you already. That might be something I would say. And then I would say, but you know what?
This happens to everyone. Everyone has an addiction, which I do believe, which is true. Like we all have counterproductive habits. So you gotta help them to see it, but also help them to not feel judged by it, because the more. Shame and [00:18:00] guilt, the more judgment they feel, they'll either get that denial shield thing back up or they'll just go into this hopelessness stage.
And that is definitely not where you want them to go. So it's a balance of this is a big deal. It's not a big deal. You got to find the thing in there because once they can see that it is severe enough that they need to take action, but not so severe that they. That they can't like you got to help them know that they're totally capable of it's understandable.
They ended up in a situation which it is That's the good balance that you want to have and then you want to have this messaging of You got this, which is the opposite of, you always say that you've said, you're sorry, a hundred times. What's different this time? None of those messages, none of them.
I'm serious because in their mind. They may be like. Really stoked and really mean it this time and then you're saying that and they don't have an answer and then crushes their like Little spirit that's trying to do good. So don't say that [00:19:00] you want to say you got this and you want to Help them see their strength inside and if you're close to this person, you know them Then you probably can think of some real life examples of some hard crap They've done like some Life things that have happened where they showed courage or resiliency or stick with it ness.
Anything like that. And it has to be real examples. It has to be more than you can do it. It has to be real. And you got to know someone well enough to know those real things to say, to help them be like, Oh yeah, I did do that.
, that will help them. It's like you have to pump them up at the same time that you help them see the severity of the problem. That is the combination that will allow someone to start taking action because it's the I get it's a problem and I'm strong enough to fix it.
And then lastly, the other message that I try to remember to throw in regularly, especially in those like early days where it's really hard and it sucks. It's, it gets worse when they first get sober, it gets [00:20:00] worse before it's better. So in those early days when they're really squirmy and they're like, I just don't, I just don't even know if I can do this.
This is hard. Every day is hard. Then I try to remind them of what's on the other side and how far they are from it because they're usually closer than they think to getting over to the good side. And I try to remind them of How much better life is going to be over there. Now, most of the time, when I first started doing this, they don't really believe me, but it's still helpful to hear.
But as they go along and I continue to say, Oh, like you're on this many weeks by this way, this was going to happen. And it's going to be great. Like you're literally going to have this thought right here. And then they start to see that there is light at the end of that tunnel. So hopefully.
You don't have to say these exact statements. You have to make it work for who you are. These are the kinds of statements that I make, but the balancing act is the concept it's yes. This is really bad, but Hey. It happens. Mixed with a you got this [00:21:00] and it is going to be better.
That is the messaging, that is the support messaging that you need to have. All right chip says what is an easy way to ask them , what stage are they at, what questions are okay that won't push them away or shut them down.
I've never really asked a question because , first of all, I made these stages up, so there's no way they're even going to be there. It's going to be like, what are you even talking about? So you can't really ask them what stage you're at. But if you just listen to the statements that they make, you'll know.
So if the topic comes up at all, they'll start making those statements and then you'll know exactly where they are. You don't really have to question it. You just have to yeah. Stand by and watch and you'll see what's happening.
Hey, Irma, amber, word of advice. My son is going to rehab this coming Friday. Should I, or should I not say anything to him? I think there's more to that. I would like to say something like, don't give up on yourself. Believe in yourself too. Do you? I think that's right. In a lot of ways what you're saying there fits with the [00:22:00] balancing of statements here The kind of thoughts and beliefs you want to portray So you're right on target with that, but I don't want you to do it in a mom corny way I'm a mom too.
Totally guilty of this. Don't be Heavy about it. Don't be like I love you so much. You can don't don't be all mommish be Either casual or upbeat or funny, if, depend on your own personality, but bringing it up because this person, if they're going to, to treatment, they're going to be anxious.
They're going to be uncomfortable. They're going to be in a bad mood. They're going to be irritable. They might be in withdrawal. They're not going to be in a good state and they don't want, I know you're just trying to say, I love you, but. Most people don't want like a bunch of heavy, they don't want a heavy conversation.
Like it's just, once you get to the point, you're literally on your way to treatment. It's just you're standing on the high dive and you don't even want to think about just close your eyes and jump. So I you can not bring it up at all if you want to. One of the things you could do is just be casual and comfortable and regular [00:23:00] and try not to make everything so heavy.
That would actually be helpful. Your son knows that you love him. Your son knows that you believe in him. Your son knows all these things that you want to say. So what you can do is you can just be helpful by helping that. Anxiety and that uncomfortableness of this holy crap. What's about to happen feeling?
, let's see, ex girlfriend just got out of six weeks of treatment. During treatment she asked for no contact when she gets out to focus on her recovery. How soon is it okay to try to reconnect and rebuild a relationship? That's really going to be up to her. My guess is That she's saying no contact because she wants some distance from you.
Yes when you go to treatment, your treatment counselors and stuff will tell you things like no relationships this that and the other for this long. I haven't, no one listens to that. So maybe she's just being like hardcore by the rules but she's thinking like I just need some time and so I don't know what that.
My guess is she'll reach out to you.
[00:24:00] Renee says, Do they deep down know that they have a problem but don't want to admit it? Sometimes it depends on circumstance. They know they deep down know it's a problem long before they will admit it to you. But there is a period where they really for real are in that stage. When I talked about I don't have a problem, especially if they're younger as in a teenager in their twenties or in college where everybody's.
Everybody else is probably not doing it the way they're doing it, but everybody else is doing it a lot. So they really think you're crazy. So in that stage, they really don't know it, but. Most of the time, they are moving through these stages in their own head. Months and months before they'll tell it to you.
Moonsong says, My daughter is three weeks sober today. Hey, alright. It's the longest she's been sober. She's still saying she hopes to be able to drink socially someday. That worries me and I don't know what to say.
It should worry you. That's not helpful, is it, Moonsong? I'm supposed to make you feel better. What that tells me is she has that,[00:25:00] in recovery they might call it a reservation, in the back of her head. And at some point she's going to try to drink socially. Okay? Like it's, it is going to happen. And it's okay.
Here's, in the meantime, what I want you to do is just hope she gets as long as possible without drinking. I mean if she's three weeks sober today, she is literally... Barely. And I don't even know what she's using. So I'm guessing here at the point of starting to feel better. So what you want to do is , you want her to get as long as she can get before she tries the social drinking thing.
You want her to get to the point that she does it long enough that her life gets better. She feels physically better. Her relationships are better. So that when she goes back to social drinking, which is coming and it. Doesn't work, which it won't. She'll know it quickly and she'll recognize. Hey, actually it was actually better on that side of the fence I think I'll go back over there because yeah, I remember this feeling not so great.
So your goal I don't want you to freak out. Everybody does that. I'm telling you. I've [00:26:00] not dealt with anybody who didn't so It's just part of the phases. Don't try to make it not happen. Let's just get through it Faster, but you want to hopefully she'll get as much clean time as possible after she gets 30 days or so She'll start to feel a little better and that's where you want to get at least to that much
Nancy Question my son is 34 and he says he is an addict and will probably always need a substance He uses fentanyl and I always struggle to respond except to truly listen when he says it. Yeah. So it sounds Nancy like he's in one of these like four, maybe even five stages where he's given into it.
If it were my son, and he was 34, and he was using fentanyl, and he says he's just always going to need something, I would probably look at some kind of medication maintenance. Because he's in that stage of just like totally giving into it, and he's not even ready to consider the idea of not needing a substance, and fentanyl is so dangerous, which I know has to scare you out of your mind.
If it were my [00:27:00] son I would probably go medication assisted treatment. Which is subs, if that, the other person that was asking that. Annalisa, my daughter is in the far level of addiction. She's been in five treatments since April. My struggle is, do we turn her in to serve her warrants, if we find her and save her life, or do we try another treatment?
Will she go to another treatment? Cause it sounds to me like what you're saying. Annalisa is that you you don't even know where she's at because it says if we find her I wouldn't intervene if she was going to get arrested. I wouldn't go hire a fancy pants lawyer to get her out of it because, it would literally be safe for her being in there.
And I know y'all are going to say, everyone uses in jail, and yes they do, but probably not to the level that Annalisa's using right now, so I wouldn't stop her from going to jail. I don't know for sure if I would call and have the warrants served on her. When someone's at this level of it, I'm not adamantly [00:28:00] against it.
If she's in this level five of it's just who I am and it's probably going to kill me level then. At that point, that's , when I said earlier, Annalisa, like that's when you don't even listen to Amber videos, like you do what you got to do. So I wouldn't be opposed to you doing that at that level.
If you, but if you're watching this and you're looking at Annalisa's question and your loved one is at stage one, two or three, and then you tell their probation officer or you get them arrested, you just set the denial levels back by three years. So if you're a person, if they know you did it. Because they will never learn the lesson.
They will always blame you. If you get them arrested and they know that you did it. If your loved one is at the early levels, don't do that. If your loved one is at Annalisa's... level, you do what you gotta do.
Chrissy, how many clients that get pancreatitis and this keeps them sober? He went through hell in the hospital and I feel like it was the only thing to keep him sober. I don't [00:29:00] have an answer for how many clients but I have seen this happen before. Number one because they're so sick and they're in the hospital and literally they have to detox while they're there because they're in the hospital because they're so sick they can't leave.
So sometimes that just gets them clean and sober because of the medical condition. And then if they realize that they have the pancreatitis because of the substance use or the addiction, then that might be enough to keep them away from it after they get sober. The crazy thing, Chrissy, is a lot of times people can have these medical things like gout and some of these other things that are very clear to the family members The addiction is causing that and they will swear up and down.
It's not the addiction. That's them levels of denial And so they'll say no that's because whatever that's not because of that. That's my genetics. My daddy had that they'll say anything So if they realize that it's that and pancreatitis is very painful
Vicki, is there a timetable for how long five years of meth smoking takes to get out of a body? No, I don't really know of a timetable. I can tell you [00:30:00] that from like brain scan imaging research, it does take the brain longer to heal from meth, and in some extreme cases, it may not go on. All the way back, but for the most part it goes back.
But when I get these questions like this, like even when people say how long before I'm like back to normal, and then people say it could be a year. It could be a year and a half. It makes me nervous. Some people say that because, okay, it might be. a year or a year and a half until you're like a hundred percent, but it is probably 30 or 60 days until you're pretty good.
Cause I think when people hear a year and a half, they think it's going to be that miserable that long. And then they're like, Oh my God, I can't do that. And that's not really accurate. It just gets a little better and a little better.
Priscilla, how do I undo a major blow up that I caused? Without knowing the details of it, I say you just admit it and apologize. I don't know what you did, but you can just say, Whatever happened, I didn't handle that well. I know I lost it. I said some things I didn't mean. [00:31:00] Whatever happened, and say, I'm going to try to do better. And then, so you're going to say, you want to, it's more than an apology. You want to say, acknowledge what you did, acknowledge how what you did impacted that other person and have some kind of insight or statement about how you're going to work on that and do better. And communicate that you're taking care of it so it doesn't happen again.
Kristen says, when we give encouragement and praise during active addiction, doesn't that feel like positive reinforcement and feed the addicts narrative that things are all good and c I can do X and B high? I got this. That's a really great question because I get that question from time to time.
But no, I don't really think it does that. What it does is it allows the person. To take a look at their problem without focusing on you being a jerk. Number one. So then they start self reflecting more and Actually, they actually feel guilty Because they know that you think you know, you're saying oh you did so great the other day But they know that what really lied to you and they [00:32:00] were drunk when they did that or whatever was happening and that guilt Starts to kick in now.
They're not going to tell you that But in the long run, you're not going to hurt Occasionally in a short run the only time I've ever seen it hurt And it doesn't last long. It's like in the, in a situation where I see a lot of husbands. So immediately I think of all these, like somebody relapses, it's usually somebody's husband.
And and the spouse doesn't know it yet. And the spouse is going along fine. And they will think to themselves, see. They don't even know it. It doesn't impact them. They don't even know I was doing that. It's fine. That's what they'll say at first until about five minutes later when it gets unmanageable and then it comes out and then we get back to the same place we were before.
How can you Love them and detach with love. You know that detach with love? I said, Alan, I'm saying it sounds so counselory. Sometimes I roll my eyes at our own recovery type statements. It's what does that mean? I'm with you, Tammy. It's really [00:33:00] hard to detach with love when they're in your house.
So when, if they live in your house, you do the best you can, you take breaks, you try to get some distance and not have that front row seat. If you're trying to detach and deal with self care, it's easier for you if they're not in your house. So taking care of your own needs will help you to detach with love because if you're literally suffering and suffering because they won't do anything, it's going to be really hard for you to detach from that.
CCV. My husband relapsed after two successful months on Soberlink. Some emotional family situations triggered him. How can I help him get back on track? I don't know how long the relapse is. It's gone on if it's like literally happened and it was like Yesterday, then you move into damage control mode.
If it's been happening and it's been going on for like days or even weeks, then probably what you're going to [00:34:00] have to do is. Probably that means that person is moving backwards in those stages of denial, which is so frustrating. I know, but you're going to have to back up and do all those things I tell you to do in the earlier stages, which I know sucks to have to go back.
But if you'll do that, like figure out are they in denial? Are they saying? Are they saying to themselves after this relapse, are they saying, it's really not that big a deal, it was just two beers at dinner. Minimization, you go back to those techniques. Are they saying, oh my gosh, I'm never going to get this better, I always relapse, and then they moved into that number five.
If you can get a gauge on what their thinking is about the relapse, you want to interact with it on whatever level they're at.
