Why do addicts push you away
===
[00:00:00] You love them, you care about them, you do everything you can for them, you forgive them 5, 000 times, but they still seem to push you away. Probably better explained by more like a push pull. If you have a relationship with an addicted loved one, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about.
There's this push pull dynamic, this, I really need you, but go away. You're controlling me or you're being too critical and it's confusing for one and it's dysregulating emotionally also. And I want to help you understand what's really going on there.
Why is that happening? And what's going on inside the mind of the person who's doing this? Because the key to helping an addicted loved one is to understand. Not so much what they're going through, but how they're thinking and how they're viewing [00:01:00] their world, their environment, their relationships, and all the things that are happening because their filter is very different from your filter.
Think about it like a Snapchat filter or an Instagram filter. It's like you can put that filter on and all of a sudden, like you're not even a person, you're a puppy dog, right? It can change everything dramatically. But once you how this filter works. You'll be better able to keep your sanity and you'll be better able to interact with this person in a helpful and healthy and effective way.
Because when you're stuck in that push pull thing, and then you. You get very emotionally reactive to it and you lose your way and you get to the point where you're just Reacting moment by moment to whatever's happening right now the problem with that is that's what the addictive person's doing they're dealing with moment by moment and you got to get I call it off of that roller coaster, basically, so that you can be strategic about how to get your life back on track, first of all, [00:02:00] and then also, if appropriate, and if that's what you're trying to do, also to help your addicted loved one.
Part of the thing about the filter that's going on in there. Has to do with biology when you are stuck in this addictive cycle, there's this disconnect between The thinking center of your brain and the other parts. It doesn't turn it off because obviously you can think I like to think of it like it turns the volume way down because that connection, that critical thinking pros and cons ability isn't quite wired in correctly. You go back to a similar state when you're in active addiction from a biological perspective.
So they really do. Seriously lose some ability to critically think through the consequences of their decisions. Now, that's one layer. We're going to add a bunch of layers here. And as you, as we add these layers, I think it's going to come clear and clear to you. I was like, oh, that's what's going on in there.
Like now I'm seeing it a little differently. So you got the [00:03:00] biology happening, right? Then on top of that, you've got this. ongoing urgency to engage in a behavior, get a substance, whatever it is, which moves up depending on how addicted you are. But as you become more and more addicted moves up to the top priority in your life, otherwise you can't function without it.
So before you can go to work, before you can do anything that you're supposed to do in life, school, whatever, deal with people, you got to meet this need first. And depending on what substance you're on, like how long that substance lasts, you could be on like, if it's opiates, you're probably on a four hour treadmill with this.
So every four hours, you've got to secure the substance again to even be able to function. Okay. So here's what we got so far. We've got this urgency, which creates this distractedness basically. It's like they might carry a conversation on with you, but really. They're thinking about something else, planning, scheming, hiding.
This whole addictive thinking process is like a full time job 24 [00:04:00] seven. It's all consuming and while all that's going on, you try to pretend like everything's regular. You try to have regular conversations with people for a long time. You try to go to school, you try to go to work, you try to do the things.
As the addiction progresses, you become less and less able to do those things, you become less and less able to function in life because that urgency just gets louder and the volume gets turned way up mixed with the ability to weigh the pros and cons go way down. If you think about if you ever been in an emergency situation, everything else.
Kind of goes out the window until we deal with this thing that's happening right now. And it's if you've been sick because actually chemical dependency will make you physically sick. If you're addicted to opioids, it's not if you're sick, it is if you're sick. A couple weeks ago I had COVID.
And I didn't really have that many terrible symptoms. I had no energy. I couldn't function. And I literally, I was just like barely doing what I absolutely had to do, sort of 50%. And that was [00:05:00] this bare minimum. And I didn't care about anything. Like I didn't care if I got ahead on this or you're just barely getting by.
And that was just like a mild little baby COVID. Like it wasn't even bad. So if you think about if you've ever been sick, if you've ever been sick with a stomach flu, what do you care what your hair looks like? No. Do you care if you're getting a raise? No. Do you care? You don't care about anything.
You just want to feel better. That's that urgency that I'm talking about. That primitive, I have to fix this, I'm not okay feeling. And that happens when you get to the point like you're chemically dependent. Now, let's add another layer of psychology on top of that. If you're Very close to your addicted loved one.
Like you're their parent or their spouse, maybe their sibling, but you're really close. Like you are like, maybe their number one, number two person that's like in their life. You're not going to like me saying this, but it's true. You're the one that sees what's really going on more than everybody else. If you're the spouse, you're seeing the truth and everybody else [00:06:00] doesn't quite see it yet.
Parent, same thing. And because you see it. It starts to consume your mind and that's all you can see about that person. And so when they're in your presence You're basically a reminder of everything They either dislike about themselves or they're trying to be in denial about or they're running from so Literally just being in the room with you Can be very uncomfortable because especially if there's been like an ongoing dynamic of argument and conflict and power struggle, which is typically the case in these scenarios is pretty normal.
Then it's not only do I don't want to be around you because. You're, you got my number, you're on my case and I'm trying to escape that. I'm trying to not see the things you're trying to make me see. And I'm just angry at you because I feel like you're constantly on my case. You're constantly in my way.
You're always mad at me. And so you get this adversarial kind of interaction between [00:07:00] the family member and the addicted loved one. But we've got all those layers happening. There's still this part inside. Where you have all that history with them where they really actually do love you And they do connect to you and you have all that history and it's If you could peel off all the drama from the addiction underneath inside of both of you There's that love and connection that is very strong.
And so because of that We won't let each other go, just like everybody in your life, the family members probably been saying, Hey, you just need to let it go and you let them go on. You need to let them figure it out, but you can't do it. Same kind of thing in them. They're upset with you. The first year you're annoying them half to death probably, but they have that thing inside that really does know they're mad at you, but they love you.
Same thing, right? And that creates a push pull relationship. And if you think about it. You're probably also doing the push pull thing, right? Because you're having a very parallel process happen [00:08:00] in your biology. You are also in crisis because this person that you love, maybe love most in the whole world, if it's your kid or your spouse or something is destroying their life.
And your life so it's an emergency inside your head and that begins to become all that you can think about just like It's all that person can think about as a substance All you can think about is solving this problem and what they're doing and what they're up to And are they lying and all this stuff?
So you become to get more and more consumed with it, which makes you very distracted From all the other things that are going on in your life, you know your work your friends and everything else And you're angry at them, but inside of you still see That person that you love and care about and in fact even when you interact with your addicted loved one You will see glimpses and it feels and it's real like you can feel oh my gosh, like there they are Okay, it's working.
It's gelling and then it goes away And that's the crazy Making part of it because it's like they're there and then they're not [00:09:00] they're normal and then they're not well Were they faking before what is going on? And it's just Absolutely maddening. So both people have a push pull relationship going on with the family member.
It's If you don't, X, Y, or Z, I'm not going to do this or that. You got the ultimatums and the limits and the boundaries and the resentments on your side and on their side. And it's very difficult to get out of a relationship like that. And on both sides. All the other people, if this is the addict, this is the loved one, everyone on this person's side, everyone on this person's side, is probably saying, man, forget them just move on with your life or whatever, because each person's perspective, they're going to their different support team, friends, family, counselors, or whatever, is probably saying, you don't need all that, you shouldn't be putting up with that, and everybody else is like pulling you away, but you have that deep love and connection that you just have such a hard time giving up on.
And it's really hard on both sides because it's not all bad. [00:10:00] It's inconsistent and the inconsistency of it's really good. And then it's really bad and it's really good. And it's really bad. That's what makes something addictive. The inconsistency of that, positive reinforcement the more you have that the more addictive something is like gambling.
It's inconsistent You don't know you're going to win every time you win sometimes and then you lose sometimes and it's the inconsistency of it that makes it so addictive and That is what's happening between You and your addicted loved one, you're stuck in this dynamic. Now you can't do a lot about where you can't do anything about the biology part of what's going on with them, right?
What you can do is you can help a little bit with how they see you. And how they feel when they're around you you can, there's some, there's a lot of things that we talk about on this channel that you can do together and get them to put the guard down to get them to see you as an ally and not an enemy.
Now, anytime I say that, I feel like I have to put like a little disclaimer in there. So let me just [00:11:00] say it. I'm not saying that you should do that. I'm not saying that you ought to do that. It's not fair in any way possible. I'm just saying if what you want to do is get through to your addicted loved one, this is the way to do it.
I hope you understand what I'm saying. Not saying you should just saying, if you want to decide, do it. You have to get yourself out of that bad guy role so that every time they see you. They don't feel anger, shame, guilt, resentment, all of those negative feelings because when you layer that on top of that urgency that's happening, that disconnect and their ability to really see things because we talk about denial.
Denial is more than just I don't have an addiction. That's a piece of denial. But there's a bunch of other pieces of it too. It's not really hurting you. You're overreacting. They can't see those things either. So there's that denial. So when you layer in that bad guy role over top of somebody's brain who's already over here on fire, you can see why it's just such an adversarial thing.
It's almost If you're [00:12:00] trying to help like a wounded dog or something in your neighborhood and you're trying to walk up and help it, it's going to see you as a threat. So you have to interact in a very calm, very slow, very gradual way so that dog doesn't bite you even though you're trying to help it.
That's what it's like because , this person, it feels under threat. In a lot of ways they are under threat. They're in like a survival zone. Their anxiety's up. They're not sleeping good. They're irritable. They're thin skinned.
Now, if you want to get out of your own emotional roller coaster you've got to back up a bunch of steps. It doesn't mean you have to, like, when I say backup, I don't mean throw them out or kick them out. Although you could do that. I'm saying emotionally. Back it up a little bit and whatever you need to do to get that distance, you do that, take a break, whatever.
So you can think strategically. Because you're in an emergency state, the thing that most family members do wrong is that they try to fix it all at once too fast. And not only that, not only is it like, I'm trying to tell you, you got a problem, you to treatment today and harping [00:13:00] on your case. Like I'm trying to like, take you from zero to a hundred today.
In addition to that, I also want you to acknowledge what you've done to me and be remorseful and apologize and be humble. It's way too much. So you've got to think where are we at in this stage of the game. What level of denial we're in, where are we at? And where would be the very next step? And you got to get a game plan on how do we get from where we are to the next step, not to the end goal, to the next step.
Once you can get that step by step plan in place, you really can influence someone in the right direction. Depends on how far into addiction they are. You use different strategies. Based on that, I've got other videos on that like types of interventions and stuff like that. You can check those out, but that's what's going to allow you to get strategic in order to do that again.
I'm not saying you should. I'm not saying it's fair. Nothing. If that's what you want to do, then temporarily you have to let go of your resentments, anger, and [00:14:00] hurts because those are clogging up your judgment and they're going to keep you so emotional. You cannot be rational. You cannot be losing your cool every time they lie to you.
They're going to lie to you. They've been lying to you. They're just going to lie to you. You got to decide which of these laws do I need to call out? And which ones do I just need to let go? And you make that decision based on where we're at in those little stages and steps. But you got to let that ego thing go.
It's not fair. It should not be that way, but it is that way because that's the only way For you to get that person to let you even get close enough Emotionally to be able to help because otherwise it's you know You're trying to help the wounded dog and they're barking at you and that you can't even get to the gate Until they trust you.
So you've got to win that trust. I call it building credibility to get closer and closer you got to Get out of the push pull thing. Now it doesn't mean you have to put up with every single thing, but you've got to decide what are the [00:15:00] absolute no, cannot tolerate, I will call it out no matter what, I'm going to deal with that, and everything else you're just going to have to let sit over here.
Doesn't mean it doesn't matter, but we can't do everything at once. If you're at the building trust, you got to build the trust. You're not going to build the trust and then want your apology today, too. It just doesn't work that way. All right, I see we got a lot of good questions let's see. Here's one. How can I talk to my husband about his addiction when he blames his drinking on chronic back pain for the last three years? He had many medical tests done but the doctors cannot find anything wrong. That's a really great question.
The first thing you have to do is you have to empathize with their situation. He's trying to say this, and you're trying to force this, and you're on two different pages. He's trying to say it's the only thing maybe is. I'm guessing what you're saying is he says the only thing that helps my pain, these doctors are not helping me or something like that.
I don't know what the truth in all that is, but instead of trying to force them to [00:16:00] see their drinking problem, this is a great example of where you have to do the step by step thing. You're probably skipping some steps. Do you have the credibility? Have you built the trust? Have you? Got them to let you in close enough to be able to even hear or care what you have to say, or trust what you have to say.
Probably what's going to have to happen is you have to back up and rebuild the relationship part before you can start trying to get them to see something that's very difficult to see. I would never, like, when I get a client, meet them right at the gate and say, I know you're a drug addict, your mom done called me and told me.
And I don't even have a relationship with this person, it would not go depends on how fast I can build that, some faster than others, but you got to put, you got to do all the little steps first, it's like prerequisites. My functioning alcoholic husband almost died six years ago from alcohol pancreatitis. Ooh, that's painful. He has definitely slows down, but says he isn't going to stop. If he drinks one drink, his mind [00:17:00] is different. I can tell when he talks. He says stupid things. When I tell him this, he says, Who cares?
What do I say to him? I have a couple of thoughts about that. One is if he truly gets real, that different from one drink, it may, I guess it makes me think, is he really drinking more than one drink and he's like sneak drinking some, but you see him drink one drink. So you think he's only drinking one and that's why it's so different or.
If that's in reality, what's really happening, then it makes me think that probably it's way later stage addiction where there's some like big liver trouble because in late stage addiction, like your tolerance can go way, way down. And one or two, one or two drinks can put you totally over the edge.
It's like that tolerance builds and builds and builds until you kill your liver. And then you're like, don't have any tolerance. It goes. The opposite way with alcoholism. So I don't know which of those things is happening, but what's happening is you're trying to get him to see something negative about himself.
[00:18:00] And in his mind, it says, and I think you said to he cut it way back last. Week I think it was some Campbell was on here last week. We're talking about when to push and when not to and if in if they're actually doing better if they're in a period where they're drinking less and things are more manageable and things are better and you try to push them at that point.
It's just not going to work because they think you're crazy. You have to pick the time and on when to get them to see it because you have to look at. through their lens, through his lens is okay, I probably shouldn't be drinking. It's probably not good for my health. Like I get it, but yeah, so it was like eating cake.
And so it was like drinking soda or whatever. And that's, I'm not saying that's accurate. I'm saying that's probably what he's thinking. Probably what I would be thinking, and he's all, and he's going to be thinking. I don't know what your problem is I'm like drinking anything like what I used to be drinking.
So you, this is what I mean when I say you have to look at how are they probably seeing this problem and you can't go from where they're at to where you're at without building all that base in there.
RH says my hubby is going to [00:19:00] give up drinking for two months. He's going to do this on his own, I'm so nervous because he's not going to treatment and just white knuckling it. How do I support? Great question. You be excited. You say, I'm so proud of you. You say that's a big sacrifice. Really hard.
What can I do? What can I do to support? Can I get alcohol house? Can I distract you? Whatever. You be the cheerleader and the teammate. But I also want to tell you, if this is one of those first few tries of giving it up, he's probably going to go back. to it if this is like one of those bargains as I call it and that's okay what you want is if that person can get sober as many days as possible like definitely has to be past two weeks so they start to feel better and their relationships better And their life gets better when they go back and think to themselves like, I've reset myself.
I can drink just a little bit. I'm not going to let it get out of control. Cause that's probably what they'll think. That's what they all do. And their life goes downhill really quickly. And the same crap is happening to them. What you want [00:20:00] is for them to be able to say Oh, grass was greener over there.
So they can make that clear connection between when I wasn't drinking. Feel better, have more energy. I was getting on my wife. Like I was doing good at work, all the things, but now here I am back in the same situation. So if you can go into it and just be really supportive, even if he's not going to agree to say, I'm never going to drink again, or I'm not going to go to treatment and say, Hey, I just appreciate you addressing this issue.
And that's how you get an alignment. Now, understand that it won't, it may not work a hundred percent. But when you do it that way, you set yourself up to be able to continue to help and be a trusted advisor when it doesn't work.
Do you say something when you suspect your addicted loved one has relapsed? And if so, what are the do's and don'ts of what you say or how you approach them? It's hard for me to give a super concrete piece of advice here. I would do this based on personality, probably. One of the ways that I would say is that instead of saying, I know you did this or that. Cause usually [00:21:00] you might be right that they've relapsed probably are, but you may not know every single thing about it. So if you say I know you did X, Y, or Z specific thing, then they're going to get caught up on whatever little detail that you didn't say.
And they're arguing about it. So don't do that. So you just want to say, Hey, having this gut feeling that this happened. So what's up, do I need to do something? And you're not really even asking a question. If you ask a question, the answer is no, nope. Did not relapse it's like automatic. But if you say, hey, this is what I'm thinking.
Is this what's going on? Then they might say, no, I'm just tired. Like, why are you always thinking something? You'd be like, all right, but I'm just saying sell my radar. So you're not going to ask a question. You're going to make a statement. You're going to say it casually.
And then you're going to let them say what they're going to say. And that doesn't mean you have to agree with them. Or you can say Looks pretty sketchy to me dude, and then just step back and see what happens. So what you're saying is I know You're not saying you have to stop or any of those things
Far forest sounds it says my husband gets so upset and angry when I won't hang out with him when he's drinking He [00:22:00] says you're doing the opposite of helping me if you would just talk to me, etc. How do I respond? I would probably just say hey look when you're drinking It triggers me and then I'm not so nice to be around and it, and I don't think it's fair for you to be with me if I'm being grumpy and irritable and thinking bad thoughts about you.
So I'm actually distancing so that I don't say or think or whatever, all these negative things. Cause I'm trying not to be super critical of you. However, when you're not drinking, I would love to hang out with you. I would love to talk to you. And so you want to positively reinforce when they're not drinking and then you just want to say, and if that doesn't work.
And he's just got you in that bag of a hurl. No matter what you say, you can say, I'm sorry you feel that way, but When you're drinking this what happens on your end And that's not good for me. So I'm going to back it up.
Glamisaurus Rex says if they meet you while in active Addiction do they still love you? Sure. Yeah, you can definitely a person in active addiction can for sure Love you, but what I can say to you is [00:23:00] when you're an active addiction, you cannot put that other person first in your life So if you're in a relationship with someone who's an active addiction, whether you met them that way or not, you can never be any better than second.
And that's, that's the top. Like you may not even be second. Because that addiction, it's like they have to get that need met before they can move forward. Before, when you get up in the morning, before you get anything else done, you got to go pee. Nothing can happen first. No coffee, no nothing.
This has to happen. For them, it's this constant, this has to happen thing first before I can get that biology to calm down enough to even think about you, honestly. Yes, they love you. Can they put you first? No, probably can't.
While I wait for the question, I will let you know that there are additional resources for you in the description. If you want the step by step process for getting someone out of denial, check out our Invisible Intervention.
If you want help with things like boundaries and self care, then you need to think about. Our membership , it comes with weekly group [00:24:00] coaching. You get to meet with Campbell and Kim each week, every Wednesday and talk through what's going on and have that sort of like handholding, now what I do now, what did I say?
Which is super helpful to navigate this mess. Cause things can change quickly. All right. Graham says my 20 year old daughter has literally trashed my house with her drug use and paraphernalia all over the house. She smokes using tinfoil and straws. This leaves black soot all over my house.
Okay. So what can I say she might react to because I ask and nothing happens. So to me, this is, trash in your house. Is it your side of the street thing? The thing of it is if you say, Hey, you're trying to say, Hey, stop doing that. Will you stop doing that? Will you not do it in the house?
Will you do whatever? But that's not working when you're asking someone to do or not do something that doesn't work. It's not a matter of continue to ask them. It's a matter of saying. Okay, then we can't do this. This arrangement isn't working for me, right? it's If you have a boss that [00:25:00] always schedules you on saturdays and you pass you've told this boss Like I can't work on saturdays like my kid has soccer Like I just can't do it like over and over again They just keep scheduling you on saturdays.
Are you going to continue to argue with that boss and have this? Are you just going to say hey this arrangement isn't working for me? And unfortunately It's probably going to come down to you taking an action, not having a conversation.
