How To Get Ahead Of Your Loved One's Addiction
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[00:00:00] Hey, guys, today, I am going to do another metaphor and we're going to be talking about baseball and the strategies used in baseball. And weirdly, I didn't even know the World Series was going on until I was talking about this with the client yesterday, so we're going to talk about baseball, the strategies of baseball and how we use those same strategies when dealing with our loved person who is struggling with addiction. The 1st thing I want to say is I want to see if anyone knows what this formula means.
I don't know doodly squad about baseball but my daughter in law's father, Tom is brilliant at it. So I called him and he gave me a lot of this information. He had told me he has a T shirt and on the T shirt is this formula and the formula is pertaining to baseball, but he said very rarely.
Does he get anybody who asked him what it is? So I'm going to pass out. Anyone knows it. The formula is 6 plus 4 plus 3 equals 2. Okay, so there are five strategies I want to talk about today in baseball, [00:01:00] and I'm going to read them, go over them, and then we're going to tie them into how we use these or need to use these when dealing with corralling addiction.
, so the first one is whoever has the ball has the power to stop the runner. Two, never throw behind the runner, always throw in front. Three, do not chase the runner, man the bags. That, I do know that I do know. And number four, you can throw the ball faster than they can run. And five, Don't be afraid of a rundown.
Okay. Number one, whoever has the ball has the power to stop the runner. That's us guys. If you're the spouse or the parents, we have the ball. Okay. So what we got to do to have the ball in our hands ready to roll is we got to stop denying. We got to deal with this fact. We got to look at the situation.
We have to understand it. We have to tolerate it and we have to live with it. That means we have to stop being embarrassed, stop being afraid of it. [00:02:00] Stop thinking about the stigma, stop catastrophizing, and just know what it is and figure out what we need to do next. Obviously that leads into, we gotta learn and we gotta plan.
And those of you who are in our membership know, what I'm talking about, because that's one of the strategies I talk about in how to get from reeling to thriving as a, as the family members of addiction, is you gotta. You got to learn and you got to plan. Speaking of the membership that we're relaunching that next week.
Next Friday, the 10th is going to be the last day to get for free the inclusion of RecoveryU the advanced recovery skills, which are a series of videos that Amber Kim and I did. All last year and these are really skills for us as the family members to work on and recovery to go mini, which is a deep dive into the psychology and biology of addiction.
Those are the 3 things that are going to be extra things for you. If you join membership between now and I guess, Monday and next Friday. Okay. Whoever has about go back to that. So learn and [00:03:00] plan and that means you've got to understand. Addiction, you got to understand how it works. You got to understand how it's playing out in your child or your spouse.
And then you have to decide, what are we going to do about this? When we get to the point to do something about it. Okay. Never throw the ball behind the runner. Always throw in front. This is a biggie guys, because, and I just had a session with some new clients and they're doing this. So this means you don't fix the problems.
You don't fix the school problems. You don't call the teachers and beg for more time. You don't fix a problem if he gets into trouble with the law, if he gets caught with drugs or alcohol. You don't fix that. Okay. You allow these consequences to start to happen. You don't keep giving him money. You don't fix their job problems.
You don't wake them up. You don't nag, beg, corral, remind, lecture, lie for them. These are the things that we do when we're trying to chase the runner [00:04:00] and get out in front or get out behind. Okay, so let these consequences start to happen. This is when we know we have the power because , it's going to unravel and then we're going to be able to play our ball.
All right, number three, don't chase the runner, man, the basis, know your boundaries. And by that. It means just know what you will and will not tolerate what you will and will not do. These are not rules you're going to create for your spouse or your child. These are things that you're going to know about yourself.
These can evolve you guys. You don't have to like. Wake up one day and know my boundaries are blank. Let them evolve. Let these little tick marks of irritation, frustration, being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Let these tick marks mount up and you will know, all right I'm no longer willing to live like this.
I'm no longer willing to let him drive my car. I am no longer willing to let him steal money from my purse. I, whatever those boundaries are, you will just know them and this is going to help you stop chasing the runner because you are really focusing on what am I going to [00:05:00] do? Know your treatment options and this goes back to the learning and planning phase.
Understand what addiction treatment looks like. Understand there's a difference between detox and long term residential. Understand that long term residential It's 28 days. Usually maybe a little bit longer, but traditionally that, and that in and of itself is not going to be enough. Everyone wants this to be a one and done.
Everyone wants this to be like, easily fixed. And I've been there and I wanted it and I thought it too, but it's not. And you need to know that you need to understand it. Don't overthrow in desperation. We do that as family members all the time. I've got. Five or six new families on my caseload, and all of them are overthrowing the ball.
They're all like, begging them to get up to go to school. They're all, driving them to school, even when they're sick, they're calling the teachers or sending emails, or just trying desperately for their child's life to not fall apart. When in fact, we actually want their life to fall apart.
So that they recognize their life [00:06:00] is unmanageable. Number four, remember you can throw the ball faster than they can run. Be strategic, understand what you're doing. It's pretty simple to get your privileges back. You need to be sober. You need to be contributing financially. You need to be going to school and doing well and you need to be pleasant.
These are the basic boundaries so that this sort of way, if if you think your child has an addiction, but they actually don't because they can. Understand the consequences are starting to happen and they only have these four very simple things to do to get their privileges back.
They'll do it. And number 5, don't be afraid of the rundown. Okay. What I mean by rundown? In baseball, I think what it means don't. No one quote me on this, but I think it means that you run at the runner. Like the second baseman would run toward the first base of the runners in the middle and you've maybe throw the ball in front of the runner, like to someone, but that forces the runner back.
Okay. The reason you wanted to do that, I think is to force them to [00:07:00] get off the base or go back to the dugout. Cause you got them out in addiction. What I mean by that is what we do a lot of times is we help you guys. Funnel squeeze your child or loved one. We funnel them into treatment, right?
We start to let their life become unmanageable. They can't drive the car. They can't whatever. And then they get funneled in lots of times with adults. They're, they get in trouble at work and they get funneled in pretty quickly because their boss is hey, you need to get it under control. And I think this is the key for us is that it's very difficult to tolerate that allowing unmanageability. The way it's helpful to do easier to do is to really empathize with your loved person. When the unmanageability happens, instead of saying yeah, it's because you're doing a bunch of drugs or drinking a bunch.
You're, it's, tough toenails. You say, yeah, this must feel terrible. It must be really hard to fail that class. It must be really hard I get that and I'm really sorry that's happening to you. And that sort of allows you to keep them in the funnel, but it takes you out of being the bad guy and also really [00:08:00] decreases the confrontation in your home, which is.
Really important, especially if you have other children.
What it means is six is the shortstop. That's the number assigned to the shortstop in baseball. Four is the second baseman, and three is the first baseman. Okay, so those three players. Are working together if they're coordinating and working together, they're going to get a double play.
And that's what the 2 is. It's a double play. For addiction, you guys, this is really important for us because the double play is sobriety treatment recovery. That's what we're trying to get to is treatment and recovery. If you're the spouse or the partner of someone that's struggling with addiction.
You are the shortstop. Their extended family could be the 2nd basement. External influences could be the 3rd basement. Okay? So these things would all work together to funnel them into treatment. If you're the family, it's the mom, the dad. Or step dad or step mom and the extended family. Okay. [00:09:00] So those are the 3 components that could be, and there could be others.
You guys these are just examples. Could be a good counselor. It could be lots of things. What you want to do is you want to use your entire team. You want to definitely have a strategy. You want other people like if it's like the mom and the dad and the extended family, you want everyone to know where we're going.
You want everyone to agree to be on the same page. This is our strategy. This is what we're going to do. And here's why. Here's our goal. So use that entire team to get your own double play. Remember, it takes nine innings to win a baseball game. You are not going to get this done quickly. It's going to take time.
If you get it done too quickly, lots and lots of times people tell me they force their loved one into treatment. Way too early. And it doesn't work. And then they're shocked that they have to do it again. You want to wait until there's enough unmanageability that they understand it's from the substances.
Not that you were just a crazy parent or overbearing spouse. You want them to get that connection. Okay. You probably have to [00:10:00] leverage them into treatment. They're not going to Okay. Come downstairs and say, Oh, by the way, I've recognized that I have a substance problem and I need treatment. I've seen that happen once in 12 years, but you nonetheless want them to be able to realize, yeah, my life was pretty crappy with those substances.
So keep playing the game, use your nine innings. Okay. It ain't over till it's over. So that's our analogy. Where we're going to let that sit for today. And then I can just take some questions cause I think there's a ton of them up there. All right, my adult son is in rehab after two months of being homeless and burning many bridges.
I will not allow him to stay in our home. How can I still support him and stay strong with my boundaries? You can just love him, Callie. You can stay connected with him. You can empathize, validate. You can talk about totally innocuous subjects. You can go visit him, write him letters. I don't know where he is relative to you, but.
You love him. It doesn't mean you have to let him walk all over you. It doesn't mean you have to let him into your home, but it just means you love him. He has a disease. And so you're, [00:11:00] you don't not love him because he's sick. You and he's in treatment. So high five, like I'm glad he's not homeless anymore.
Just love him. Love him for the person he is, for where he is right now and build that connection. And hopefully he'll do beautifully and This can all be behind you, but don't fix his problems. Okay, man, your base right here is you don't want them living in your home. It's a great boundary to have great boundary to know you don't have to announce it.
You just have to know it. So that's where I'd focus on it.
All right. RH, my husband has planned to give up drinking and smoking for two months, but after we got into a fight, he went right back to drinking and smoking. One, how do I not engage and stay neutral or positive? And two, how do I get him back to his plan of no drinking for a few months so he can see how sobriety feels.
He's stuck and stagnant. It's hard for me to deal with, especially because we have two sons. Yeah. Okay. So you're not going to get him back to his plan of not drinking. Like you're, there's not enough words in the world to talk him back into that. You're going to have to do exactly what I just said, which is man, your own basis, [00:12:00] which is know what you will and will not tolerate.
You have two children. You don't want to create a home that's screaming and yelling and nagging and begging and all that kind of stuff that happens when we love someone with addiction. How do I engage in stay neutral or positive?
Okay. So first of all, my bet would be that he used that fight as the fishhook to give himself permission to go back to drinking and smoking. So don't know that, but that would be my guess. If you can just be patient and recognize that he has changed talk, he is just back to his own denial and his own bargaining and just let it.
Unravel until he says, yeah, I need to stop drinking again. Again, empathize and validate, but with two kids in the house you're going to have to know what you can tolerate. And if it's, driving them around drinking, don't tolerate that. If he's yelling and screaming those are the things you'll have to just recognize.
But as far as staying neutral or positive, don't talk about his drinking. Don't talk about a smoking in our experience. It's really hard to give up to. Addictions at the same time [00:13:00] because you only have so much willpower and that willpower center is charged by sleep. And so if you're using it on smoking, you're going to go back to drinking.
It's possible because you're going to run out of willpower. I don't know about you guys, but I try to eat healthily all day long and then about nine o'clock at night i'm Open that refrigerator and i'm just praying there's some cold lasagna in There's not because I didn't put it in there.
No one else would but I have no willpower. I would eat Anything that would be unhealthy for me at nine o'clock at night. So that's normal. So , I would ask him if when he gets to the point of recognizing he needs to stop again, I would get him to stop the one that's most problematic, which my bet would be drinking and worry about the smoking later.
Martha, my question is that my 38 year old daughter lives across town, but spends less time with us lately. Is it common for those with substance abuse issues to distance themselves from family, especially at holidays? Yes, it's super common. Addiction is a shame based problem. And so they feel really shameful and they don't want to be around the people they feel the most shameful around [00:14:00] probably the family.
Also, the disease loves to isolate them so they can feel victimized. So that's probably a combination of what's going on is she's embarrassed shameful and she wants to stay on because she can drink more if she comes over or use, if she comes over to see you or talk to you more often on the phone, she has to limit or try to manage your use probably more than her disease wants her to.
So yeah, it's super common. And that's just something you're just going to have to tolerate and hopefully she will realize that she's lonely and then that becomes unmanageable herself. Don't force the holidays. You guys, I know holidays are coming up. We could be Good billionaires. If we are open the day after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas, because the holidays are a huge problem, even if they do want to be around you, they're nervous or anxious and or don't feel well because they're not using as much.
And so they use a little bit quote unquote to take the edge off, but they're not good at using a little bit. So they overuse and end up with their face in the mashed potatoes. So don't force holidays. If they isolate, just [00:15:00] go on without them. Thank you.
Emily, my 18 year old son uses marijuana and has done so in our house. This is crossing a boundary been there. How or what do we say if he continues to do this? First of all, don't smoke weed in the house as a rule. So you can say it to your blue in the face. He's clearly going to break it as evidenced by what you're saying.
So you're just going to have to decide how much longer you want to live with weed in your house. And that could be forever. It could be you're done with it, but. That's the problem with having boundaries, which is we don't allow weed in our house, but when someone does it, they're actually breaking a rule.
And that's forcing you to have to identify again, your boundary and then decide whether you're going to hold it. I'm not a huge fan of announcing boundaries because they move, we move them. And so we look wishy washy and really not reliable as far as holding our word when we don't hold a boundary.
In my opinion. If he's pleasant and kind and going to school or doing whatever he's doing at 18 working and [00:16:00] being contributing to the house in any form and being pleasant. I don't, I wouldn't focus on the weed. If he's not doing any of those things, then you go back to what we talked about, which is, you have the ball and you can throw it faster than he can.
You just have to know when. When to do that. If you're like, Hey, dude, you can't live here anymore because the weed is consistently a problem. We've told you we don't want weed in our house. Unfortunately, you have to find somewhere else to live. That could be your boundary or it could be. We're not going to send you to college because you continue to have weed in the house.
I don't know what it is but if he's crossing it, it's because it's a rule and it's not a boundary that you're holding because boundaries that are held are not crossed. Okay.
Beth, how do I help my husband stop the sneak drinking? He drinks just enough to take the edge off. I haven't reacted to it in months. Isn't it better to just have the alcohol at least out in the open? Oh my gosh. If I had a nickel for every time I've had this conversation with a spouse, you might buy yachts for everyone
yes, I think it's better to have the alcohol out in the open so that they don't sneak drink purely from the stance of there's a lot of shame to sneak drinking. [00:17:00] However, sounds to me, if he's sneak drinking, then he doesn't want you to know he's drinking.
So I don't think he's going to put it out in the open. You might be putting some out in the open and then continue to sneak drink. If he's drinking more than he should don't really know the situation, but I would ignore it. I would literally ignore it because it's going to creep back up and become super unmanageable for him.
And that's when you can say, Hey, I've noticed that you're drinking a whole lot again. I'm wondering what your, what your plan is about that. I wouldn't point out, I wouldn't find it. I wouldn't look for it. I wouldn't pour it out. I wouldn't silence treatment him. I wouldn't do any of those things.
I just let him think he's getting away with it. And because he won't for long, okay, it's going to blow up one way or the other.
Nancy, my son is 34 and he's been using fentanyl for a long time and we have open communication, but are at a loss as he's not expressed interest in stopping. How do I approach this? I think you can express your concern out of love and fear, but if he is no interest in stopping, you're just going to be pouring water into a [00:18:00] colander.
I think you definitely don't want to do the things we talked about earlier, which is yelling, nagging, bargaining, lecturing, teaching, scaring, this is a tough one because fentanyl, as we all knows, super, super dangerous, but I think if you have this open communication, Nancy, what I would do is just say, Hey, I'm super concerned.
I makes me super nervous. And see if you can get him to empathize with you. But I think, unfortunately, you're going to have to let this 1 play out until he recognizes his life is unmanageable because of the fentanyl. Maybe I don't know the situation, but. Look at, are you doing any of these things We talked about?
Are you fixing problems? Are you enabling with money? Are you taking care of his kids? Are you doing anything that is keeping him from seeing that his life is unmanageable because of that? So
that's what, that's where I would go with that is just recognize that you're not, there's no magic bullet here. You're not gonna say the thing that he's gonna go, oh, thanks mom. That makes so much sense. I'll stop today. It's not gonna work like that.
Can you take. Husband's [00:19:00] credit card. He spends more than we make. You can, but he can get another one because he's an adult. The other thing I would do would be just see if you can, I don't know, again, the situation, but if it's a joint account, squirrel enough away initially, as soon as that money goes in there from a paycheck to pay the bills and let him recognize that he doesn't have enough money to pay the credit card.
It's hard to get an adult to stop doing something you don't want them to do because they can just recreate it. So just go get more. Eventually I think you're just going to have to make the decision, is this a safe place for you to be as an adult financially with your credit rating, losing your home, all those things that can happen if you guys run out of money because he's spending it.
Spending addiction is just like any other addiction. You get that hit of dopamine, that desire from the thought of spending money and it just becomes just as addictive as drugs or alcohol or gambling or porn or any of those things that are process addictions.
Biggest question. All right, CB, how do you get through to someone on their [00:20:00] addiction who knows it but will never talk about it? Always upset, defense to scream and push you away. Can't ever talk about it.
Oh, been patient for how long, 20 years, three years, when we draw that line, can't tolerate any of it. However, where do you go with kids in school? Stopping two is like asking AA to stop having coffee, gosh. You just, again, you, this is a boundary question is you have to understand how much of this do you want to tolerate?
How much of this are you willing to go through? There's not a, there's not a conversation that you have with an addict. Believe me, if there were, we would see every addict one time and cure them. And we'd be out of business. There's not a conversation you're going to have with someone who's struggling with addiction for them to go, Oh yeah, you're right.
Because that addiction lives in their thoughts. Remember it lives in their brain. So it validates their thinking. It rationalizes their thinking so that's a good idea. And what you get is that. That defensiveness that attack those arguments because they're desperately defending the [00:21:00] disease. So that a manageability allowing that to happen is really the only answer to this.
It's just really hard to do when there are kids in the house, when you have other children or you are the spouse and you have kids and that's where you safety trumps everything in my opinion. And you have to decide how much damage is being done to the children by what's going on. And you get to.
Pull that cord when you're ready to pull that cord, but there isn't a conversation. I promise you guys, if there were, I would, I'd give it to you. I wouldn't even sell it to you and give it to you. Okay. But there's not.
This is from Married a Long Time, that's great. Alright, Halloween was horrible. He drank and I didn't engage. I reacted on my side and the self destruction started. I'm upset with me. How do I recognize and stop myself from doing this? That's super hard to do, Married a Long Time. But, I'm glad you recognized that.
I think you have to understand that you are dealing with the disease and yelling at it, talking to it, shouting at it is not going to help. It's going to fuel it because then they turn [00:22:00] that around and they become the victim. And then they rationalize what they just did or justify what they're getting ready to do.
And they use or drink more. Okay. So you could exit stage left. You did a good job. You didn't engage. But then you got upset with yourself. So if you're going to do that, I call it the game on phase. You've heard me talk about this before. I'm sure that the game on is. I'm not going to get in the way of it.
I'm not going to chastise. I'm not going to redirect, but I'm also not going to fix the thing that happens from it. Maybe he feels terrible today and he couldn't go to work on time, or maybe he's going to do a crappy job at work today because he's hungover and something will happen. You're just going to have to let that happen while still knowing how much you want to tolerate.
That's the key, is boundaries, tolerance. And plan that's really all you can do on your end, no matter if it's a kid or a spouse, those are the 3 components to focus on is do I ultimately have a goal or plan that I can get to what can I tolerate? And [00:23:00] will I know when I'm done tolerating it?
And then, how can I not engage with the actual disease? Because I'm not going to win. You remember this, you guys. Addiction is illogical, right? It doesn't come from the frontal lobe. It doesn't come from the limbic brain. It comes from the survival part of the brain. Which, I don't know if you guys know snakes, but they're not very kind and they're not very smart.
So when you engage from your logical brain with illogic, darn well. Who wins? Illogic. Illogic trumps logic a hundred percent of the time. And we all, I've been there, and you guys are all there. You end up the evening like, how did we get here? What are we even talking about?
Why are we even talking about this? Like, how did this devolve to this point? And it's because you're dealing with illogic. Don't do it. Away. Leave the room. Drive away.
All right. Is it okay to bond my son out to go to treatment? Oh yeah. Treatment program is trying to get him furloughed, but not sure if I can get it done by tomorrow. Intake is Monday. Yeah, it is perfectly fine to get him to go to treatment. What I would recommend, however, so that,[00:24:00] you don't get them out and then he changes his mind, is I would see if you can get him mandated to treatment.
Like the judge. In the jail can say, yeah your family members are willing to take you to treatment. You're going to go, if you get that done, you're going to have a better chance of locking in the plan. The other thing, if you can't get it done by tomorrow is call the treatment place back and see if they could, if this could happen on Tuesday, see if you can buy a day, if you need a day for the bed cause the wheels of justice turn slowly. So you may not get it done in time. So build a secondary plan. So in case you don't, it all is not lost. Or if they can't, then find someone else who can. Okay. So that you don't lose this opportunity, but it's completely fine to get someone out of jail to go to treatment. You just want to make sure they're actually going to go. Because everybody remember this, you guys, everybody agrees to do anything when back into the corner, being in jail would be a pretty damn big.
corner to be backed into. So he's going to be like, yeah, I'll do that. That sounds great. [00:25:00] But the minute we all get out of the corner, just a tiny little bit, we're not all willing to do everything again. So remember that he may be manipulating you to get out of jail. So if you could get him mandated, I think you'd have a higher victory chance.
AJ, I am concerned with the upcoming holidays as well you should be, as it has been a trigger for my son who's 27. He's been sober and attending meetings, anything we should look out for. You think we should look out for it's a good question. I think I would just be prepared that the holidays could be tricky for him.
But I think the bigger thing is don't get in the way of his recovery because of holiday traditions or because of familial expectations. If he says on Christmas Eve, man, I gotta get to a meeting. You have a great night. Don't get in the way of it. I don't know if I've told you guys the story, but years ago, when my son came home to visit, he'd probably been sober.
I don't know, close to a year or so. And he came home for a night and he ended up meeting some friends from high school for a movie. It [00:26:00] was a late movie. I think it was like a 10 o'clock movie. And he got home around midnight and he said, I got to go. And he was like 18 and I was like, go, what do you mean?
Because I got to go back to Atlanta. I'm like, why? He said on the way home from the movies I drove by a street and I realized I just needed to make two left turns and I could be at my dealer's house. I didn't mom. I called my sponsor and he was like, dude, just come on home. Just get out of Greenville.
Come on back to Atlanta. And I said it's dark. It's really late and 85 is really dangerous. So can you just wait and go early in the morning? And he was like, I don't know, mom. I don't know. I'll call my sponsor and I'll ask. Most mortifying moment of my life because I could hear him say this to the sponsor and I could hear through the phone across the room, the sponsor says if you want to stay sober, listen to me.
If you want to be in danger, listen to your mommy. And I was like, hand it in the suitcase. So don't get in the way of what they need to do on the holidays. Don't get in the way. There's nothing you can do to prevent it if he's going to [00:27:00] use. I wouldn't look for it. I wouldn't be scanning for it. You'll know.
You will absolutely know. But, I think, and this is a whole separate subject that I'm not going to go into today because we're running out of time, know what your person, if they're in early recovery, know what they, if they don't want alcohol to be around. If it's a problem for them, don't have alcohol, even if it's the holidays.
Okay. We went several years without wine on Christmas Eve, which is be fun tonight. And I don't know about you guys, but be fun. Do that. A glass of wine is really quite not the same, but we did it because it was the right thing to do. And actually be fun to is delicious without it. No, those things. All right, let's, we can do a couple more.
Question, boundaries held are not crossed. Please explain. Oh, okay. So if I have a boundary that I don't want to see French fries at lunchtime. Okay. I can have a rule. I could say, Hey guys, No one can bring french fries to the office for lunch.
That would last exactly less than one week, because this is a big french fry crowd. That's a rule, right? But my boundary could be, I'm not going to eat around [00:28:00] french fries. The only way that boundary is going to be crossed is if I allow it to be crossed. If I sit in that kitchen with those guys while they're eating french fries, and I'm pissed.
Or I'm like, damn it, then I will allow the boundary to get crossed. They can bring French fries in all day long. I just say, Hey, I'm going to be in my office today during lunch. I'm going to be working on a video or I'm going to eat alone or whatever I want to say, or just go run an errand., you can't put a boundary down if you're not going to hold it because then it's not a boundary.
That's why I tell people. Don't make lots of boundaries. Don't have a boundary around French fries and lunch. That's ridiculous. But don't make a bunch of boundaries. Just know what is paramount to you. Okay, I don't go out on Friday nights. It's a boundary. I'm tired. I'm talked out. I just don't have it in me to go.
To a party on a Friday night. So it's just a boundary. My husband can go to parties all day long on Friday. The neighbors have parties on Friday nights. I just don't go. , if I went because someone begged me to or yelled at me or whatever, I'd be really less than fun at that party. Cause I know it's a boundary I need to have for myself.[00:29:00]
I needed to stay home and charge that battery. So you don't set these boundaries. If you're willing to let them be crossed, then they're not a boundary. Okay, it's a rule that you would rather the other people respect it. There's a huge difference. I hope that happened. That helps him. All right, Kimberly, my husband is an early sobriety and sober living.
He loves me. He hates me. I've told him I love him, but he's blocking it now because I can't handle any more condemnation. How will I know when he is safe? I don't know that I would block him 'cause I don't know the answer. I don't know when you would know that.
I think you can have the boundary that if you talk to me in a negative or ugly fashion, I'm going to say. I love you dearly. And I'm going to hang up now. That way, if he calls and engages with you and he's wonderful, then you can enjoy that and you can have that connection and you can both reap the benefit of that.
If it goes South, you simply get off the call. If you block him, it's going to, I think it's going to feel super punitive and you're right. You're never going to know if he's changed. And it just could be early recovery and he just doesn't feel well or he's. Shameful. And [00:30:00] he's it could just be early recovery, but I wouldn't block them.
I'm not a big fan of blocking. Just know how long or when and what environment you will continue to talk on the phone. All right. 1 more. All right, Kelly change talk. What does it mean if my husband has been talking change for years, more like. 5 years I think change talk is cheap. That's what I think.
I think that a lot of people will talk about change a lot and they might mean it, but they're not going to do it. I talk all the time about getting off Netflix. You guys, I definitely have a problem with Netflix and I talk about doing it all the time. I don't do it. I don't really want to. It hasn't caused that much problem in my life.
And I really should just stop talking about it. Cause I'm sure irritating as hell to everybody in my life. And I said, I can't watch another show. And then I'm like, did you guys start so and and I'm like, I thought you weren't watching it. So I think he's lip servicing it actually ready to stop.
Then that's because nothing's become unmanageable enough for him to realize he needs to stop. That's when they stop when they realize I need to, when they realize my [00:31:00] life has fallen apart, my life is untenable with this thing. Yes. If I stayed up all night long binge watching some people in the office do, if I did that and then I couldn't function in the morning and I didn't understand what my clients were saying in the morning because I was tired, then I would realize I really do need to turn off Netflix earlier in the evening or give it up all the way if I can't turn it off.
So that's what I think on that topic. All right, you guys, I have got to roll. So thank you very much. As always, this has been super fun. And next week, Amber will be back or maybe Amber and me will be back.
Don't know, but thanks a bunch. And hope you guys have a great afternoon. All right. Bye.
