The Power of Boundaries: How to Take Control of Your Life
===
[00:00:00] Today, we're going to be talking about some of the most common boundary questions that we get over and over. And I'm going to give you some examples of some questions that we've gotten here recently from our members. And these are questions that we get pretty regularly. They might be a couple of slight differences, but we get these, like, all the time.
And Campbell, if you think of any as we're going that we get all the time. Five times a day, it's literally probably the whole basis of the family recovery part. I was telling you before you get to those questions yesterday, I was having a conversation with a client of mine and she was really confused about boundaries.
And so a lot of people are, and I said this, which sort of clicked and I've never thought of it like this, but I said, boundaries are when we no longer say yes, because it doesn't work for us anymore to say yes. And she was like, Oh. Okay, so it's just a different way of looking at instead of there about what we will or will not do or tolerate.
It's just when we're tired of saying yes, then we set a boundary to it, right? I that because when you bring it down [00:01:00] to just the yes question, it's hard, then you realize it doesn't have anything to do about them. Correct. If you say no, when you say no, that's usually some kind of I'm trying to control you.
And I think that really does correlate because If it's about them, it's a rule. If it's about you, it's a boundary. So it does remind you what is a boundary and how many do I really need to have? Not that many, like one or two. Oh, I'm glad you said that too Campbell this is my rule about rules.
People, my rule about rules is have as absolutely few rules as ever possible for anything. They'll tell you that in the office when I ran IOP, that's just because we don't have any rules at all here, except be nice to each other. Yeah, you got to back it up. If you make a rule, you got to follow through and that's just like work.
So I like to leave myself room for game time decisions. I can remember years ago, like if someone had said, Hey, will you ever work without getting paid on time? Hell no, I will not years ago when we were starting this and we were putting all that money into the online thing. And there were a couple of times where we were like, we're not going to get paid for.
A week late we're just going to juggle our [00:02:00] money. We'll eventually all got paid exactly, but it wasn't a boundary because it worked for me to say yes to that. It was like, yeah, sure. That's a great plan. Let's just do that. But if someone had said to me earlier, would you ever do that? I would maybe have been forced to hold a bet say a boundary that it wasn't going to be true.
So an answer to a question like that, that you don't know is, I don't know. I'll decide when I get there. That's a boundary you can set. And by setting that boundary for yourself, you leave yourself room because you just don't know what the circumstances exactly are going to be and how you're going to feel and all the context.
So we strongly advise about the rules. And I know Campbell talked earlier this week about the home contracts and stuff. What day was that you did that? I don't remember. Monday, I think. So let's go through some of these questions that we get, and then I've got, I've listed five of them, but Campbell, you jump in there when you think of something, the biggest one, I feel like we've gotten is Everywhere, we've gotten them on YouTube.
We've gotten them from membership. I've had this same question a lot of times lately. [00:03:00] And it's, if I don't say something about it, won't they think that I approve? We get this question over and over again. And I get it because it feels like when you're not saying something and you're used to saying something, it feels like you're just like allowing them to run over you sometimes, or just allowing them to do whatever they want.
But the mindset shift that you've really got to have here is, you're not, it's not your job to control what they do and don't do. And I know that's hard, but it is not your job to do that. Once they're past what what age do you think, Kimberly? Eight? Oh, yeah. The latest. Like it's not your job to control what someone does and doesn't do and what they think and don't think.
And so when we're trying to control what they think, we're getting out of our side of the street. Plus you don't really need to worry about it because Kim and I were talking about this week. I said, you don't need to worry about it. Cause I feel sure you've said it a thousand times.
All right, so here's another one. [00:04:00] Should I tell them that I know that they relapsed or I know that they used and they told me they didn't use? Should I bring it up that I know that?
It depends on what your intention here is, I think. It's your agenda. If I got to give you a plain answer here, I'm going to say no. So if I got to give you a blanket answer, I'm going to say no, because it's no, 90 percent of the time. And I tell you that because this is what I do with the clients when they come in.
Usually their family is seeing like Kampler Kim. So usually I have the scoop before I even talk to them, but I don't like to say that. I know I like to wait to see if they bring it up. And most of the time they do. And even if they don't. I have to make a game time decision about whether or not it's worth it for me to bring up.
What do you think, Campbell? I think you have to establish what is my agenda? What is the purpose? And what is the gain? If no, I don't think you should, especially no, I can't even really think of a time unless they said, yeah, I've screwed up. I[00:05:00] went to that party last night and I drank more than I thought I should.
And then I, I ended up taking a couple of Xanax. I'm like. I was wondering that it's cause you were really sleepy this morning. Like I might validate that, but I wouldn't say, yeah, I know that. I was tracking you last night and I know exactly. No, if they can bring it to your attention, they're going to make meaning out of it.
And so there's no point in playing that card. That's a good point that you said, Campbell, because if you say, you have to say how, which probably was something sketchy and then you go and then they're going to turn on you and then you're going to be in trouble. I'm glad you I didn't think I forgot that.
That's true. Then you got to say I know because and then now you're the 1 done something wrong. I think it also, to be honest what that's doing is like. Even if, what are you going to do about it? Unless your boundary is okay, you relapse, you can't live here anymore, but hardly anybody but me wants to have that boundary.
To me, what is the point of having the knowledge or sharing the fact that you have the knowledge if nothing's going to change? I'm trying to think to myself, even like there are occasions when I do bring up something I know when the person's not bringing it up and I'm trying to even qualify my own mind, [00:06:00] how do I make that decision?
And I think there's a couple of factors. Number one, if I say if I say, I know it, then I do have to say how I know it, which means they're going to know that their family told. Kim or Kim who told me and so 1st thing I do is ask them. Hey, can I say I know this before I ever do anything? That's the question.
We, we ask each other that all the time. Hey, can I share that? I say that all the time. So so that's a boundary. But, um, so I have to think through that. And then the other thing is. Is my relationship with this person strong enough? Because it feels like a call out is what it feels like. Is my relationship strong enough with this person?
So let's say someone's not telling me something big. Maybe it's some young person, Campbell's seeing their parents or something. Campbell says, Oh, wait to see if they tell you about. Blah, blah, blah, blah, and then I can think of one we did this week. Yeah. I might think to myself like, yeah, I need to call this out.
Cause we need to talk about it and he's not bringing it up or something. And then I'll say a little birdie told me such as such as such. But I don't even know if that's true. So when I [00:07:00] do bring it up, I bring it up super casual and in a very like non confrontational way, I say this all the time.
It's about tone. It's about body language. It's about the relationship that you have, and if you have put all of the Foundational things in place that we talk about here like an invisible intervention on these videos all the time Then you can do this from time to time and sometimes it is helpful But if your relationship has mostly been adversarial It's never going to do you any good to bring that up.
So question you need to ask yourself is What's the status of how we are right now? And how's it going to play out? Is it? Is it going to come to anything good? That's a solid point. I also think you have to recognize the relapse itself is not what I would focus on is have the behaviors reverted.
Have we, are you showing up unreliably? Are you late? That way? You might could say, hey, I've been noticing that you're, having a hard time getting up in the morning. What's, are you okay? How are, do you need anything? And then they know that you are adding one and [00:08:00] one and you're going to get to two.
They're onto them. Yeah. Yeah. But you're not saying, I know you relapsed. Which they're just going to get defensive about and lie about that. No one's going to say, yeah, you're right, mom. Like totally nailed that. They're going to be like, you're crazy. Now we're just back into addictive thinking.
And whenever I bring up anything that I might know, it's never because I just want to say, I know you can't if you're bringing it up for ego, for some sake of saying, I can't pull a fast one on me, that's always. Always a wrong decision. The only time I ever bring up something like that is because what couple of things that I think they really need to talk about it and maybe they're afraid to talk about it.
And by being able to talk about it, nothing terrible happens and we stay real cool. Then I'm training that person. Hey, we could talk about tough stuff and nothing bad's going to happen. Like it doesn't change anything. Like we're still cool. And then the other time I bring stuff up is sometimes when I say something nice to someone, like you're really good at this or get that.
And some people who like, won't take a compliment a lot of times. I know it's cause they have all this shame down inside and it's cause they think [00:09:00] you wouldn't think that about me. If you knew all this other stuff. And some and that's a special situation, but I might say dude I know you did this and this I still think that Because that's a healing process and that's a recovery kind of thing.
All right, you ready for your next one? Campbell should I Call my son's counselor. He's in rehab. Should I call my son's counselor and tell him Tell the counselor x y and z tell the counselor that they're you know They're really also doing this trick over there, but they're not admitting to it.
Tell the counselor that Whatever the inside scoop, what's your take on that again? I think it depends on your intent and your agenda on that. If you're trying to tattletale and have the counselor call them out on it. No. But if you think the counselors operating under lack of information, that would be helpful down the road as far as resolving the problem, then maybe, but frankly, Absolutely.
No, it was my short answer. I just had, because what's going to happen is if that counselor handles it poorly, then now we've severed the relationship between the counselor and your child, and they're just going to either find another [00:10:00] counselor that they're never going to talk to about anything, or they're not going to go to counseling more because they don't trust counselors.
I just had this conversation with a new client. She wanted to call her daughters. nurse who's writing her some meds that are being totally abused. And I'm like you can do it if you, if it's like your heart is just making you do it, you can't, I said, but what's going to happen is she's either going to have to confront your daughter, which is not going to go well, or she's going to have to stop seeing her, which is she'll just find another doctor and she's going to I can't remember the third thing, but I said the problem is then they just keep shifting because she's not the only psych nurse who's writing meds that are being abused.
The point of the fact is that your daughter is getting them to legitimately and using them. So she's getting them from another source already to argument. She's being prescribed. So no, there's no point. You can't, it's like that. You can't control this problem externally. You can't run off enough boyfriends.
You can't chase the friends off. You can't, it just. It'll just keep popping up another place. And the thing of it is you got to realize that the counselor's job is to [00:11:00] align with their client, right? Like here, I teasingly say this, but this might be a good way for you to think about it.
I always say, I'm your lawyer. That's what I tell my people. I am on your side, no matter what. So you don't have to worry about me and you like, I got your back. My job is to dig you out of a hole. Okay. Which is truly how I see it. Yeah, I can't tell you. Especially back in the old days when we were running group and there've been arguments at that kitchen table, Bree will attest to it.
She can't stand confrontation. And there've been like, no, you don't know what you're talking about, or that's not true or that's not the situation. And we're just like, cause we're so aligned with our clients that we just get in there with them. So I agree. So the reason I bring that up is because I want you to think if you, for whatever reason, had a lawyer and somebody in your life called your lawyer, I want you to think of two things.
One thing, how would you feel about that? And the second thing, what would the lawyer do with that? Because when And this is actually why I love Campbell and Cam, and my people. [00:12:00] This is why we do it the way we do it because actually the reason I started this is because I couldn't take the phone calls and the emails anymore.
That's how this started. I was like, Campbell, can you please just see this family? Because I can't take this anymore. Because it's just inundating me because a lot of times the family will call and they'll say, Hey, we know this and this, but don't tell them. No, that's dumb. Okay. Now I know it.
Now we're both trapped with this big piece of information, this big secret that we can't say anything about, or if I do say it, then they're going to know how I know. So you got to think through the situation. Some counselors, if you said some doctors, some counselors, some nurses, if you said, Hey, don't tell them I called, they may not.
And they may not bring it up, but other ones will because they see their Alliant, their alliances with that person. That doesn't mean that they're trying to enable them, but you can't help a client if you don't have an Alliance. And if it comes out later, the, their family's been calling you and telling you all this stuff and you didn't tell it.
You're ruined. You're done. Just think about it too from the doctor [00:13:00] perspective If my husband called my doctor and said, Hey, Campbell eats a boatload of Fritos. I know I talk about Fritos a lot, but I really didn't like them, but she's way too many Fritos. Like she's just, she's going to clog up her veins.
She's going to die of Frito itis. And she said, Hey, let's talk about your Frito use. I'd be like, what the fly fish? Like back up Jackson. I'm like, no, I don't want to discuss my Frito itis. So if you're not sure. These questions usually start with, should I, and it's usually, should I say something?
If you don't know what the answer to that is, I want you, if you can't figure, if you don't know what to do for sure, don't do it. Cause the safest answer is don't, but another sort of formula you can use is you can ask yourself what will happen if, and in recovery, we call this play in the tape. So we teach people in recovery to think, okay, if I do that, then what's going to happen and then what's going to happen and then what's going to happen like way down, like how's this really going to play out?
And that's what I want you to think, because if you think these things through, what's going to happen if I call them out? What's going to happen if I call the counselor? What's going to happen if [00:14:00] I say I know this or that or the other? Play it through and think, Is this a strategic move? What is going to be the outcome of this?
Occasionally it is something that you need to do, but it needs to be very well thought out. For example, if you're going to call someone's daughter counselor, then just say, Hey, I'm going to tell you daughter, if you're going to do something, say it first, because then it's not, you're not being sneaky.
You're being upfront about it. It's that above board thing that we talk about so much. I'm not saying you should do that, but I'm saying if you're going to, you need to own it. Here's another one. Should I throw away or pour out? Whatever I found. What do you think, Campbell? No, obviously I don't think you should like, leave a bottle of oxy sitting around the living room I think you should just move it, take it away Pouring out, dumping is not good for the environment.
So you're not really supposed to do that. Plus if we're talking about alcohol They're just going to go get more. So you're really not doing anything except giving yourself like that moment of screw you satisfaction You're not stopping the [00:15:00] problem by pouring it out or dumping it. Do you feel that, which I agree, Do you feel the same way if it's Meth.
Same answer or different answer? If it's a big scary illegal drug in your house. I think if it's in your house, that's where you know, but you're talking to the self oppressed person of the universe. If I, there was meth in my house, I'd be like, dude, you cannot live here because I'm not living in a house with meth in it.
So I found this meth. Where are you going to live? It's not a matter of, I'm going to throw this away because what's the point if your rule is I'm not going to have drugs in my house and you throw it away, guess what is going to happen? That was the iceberg. That's just what got left out. There's more you didn't find and if there's not, they're going to replace it.
So you're really not holding a boundary. No, when you're not no, when Campbell says, if you use drags in my house, you're out Campbell means it. I know y'all don't know Campbell, like I do, but she's hardcore. So when Campbell says that she means it. So if you're going to say it, like Campbell says that you got to really mean it.
Campbell will back it up. I promise you. Oh yeah. So you got most people don't most people can't [00:16:00] do it. Most people can't be me. Don't say it. If you're not a hundred percent sure. This is what I'll do. Let's see. Is that all my questions? I think those are my big ones that I had.
Do you have any? The ones that come up all the time about boundaries? Should I do this or should I do that? I mostly have the conversation where people say these are the boundaries I put down and I have to re educate them that those are no, actually those are the rules you've put down and your boundary is are you going to stand behind those or not?
And I always say no, right? Then they're, you're just spitting in a fan. Yeah, I usually have to. Let them realize what they've done is actually not have a boundary. Yeah. And when you said that, it made me smile because I'm thinking of how many times like people come into our office and they've already agreed to something or put a rule in place that we're just like, no, like they've already agreed to like, like we see it on both sides I'll do this if you do that, which is and that goes back to what I talked about Monday or whatever day that was about like contracts or deal making or any of these things.
Like you're not going to, if you guys, if we could [00:17:00] solve addiction by making a deal, we'd be Monty Hall. We'd be on let's make a drug deal and we'd be ending addiction. Deals literally kick the can down. The only person that gets held to the deal is you. Yeah, they're not honoring their deal.
I think it's so funny they think if they sign this piece of paper. They're going, I don't know if I've told the story on at work, but maybe I have, but when I was little, like seven, I was a thumb sucker and my parents were like, okay. And and I was like, five, 10. So they were like, you look ridiculous sucking your thumb.
And I was like, so my parents said, we'll buy you a bike if you suck sucking your thumb. And I was like, okay. And they're like, don't suck your thumb for two weeks and we'll buy you a bigger bike. I had a little bike. And since I was like 5'10 I needed an adult bike. And so I was like, okay, done. Thank you.
I did not suck my thumb. For two weeks, not even sneaking, not even in bed at night, just didn't suck my thumb. So I get this big new blue bike and had a white basket and had those [00:18:00] fun streamers that we used to have back in the day. And I was like, put my dolls in the basket. Like we're going for a ride. I get on that bike and the carport, I go down the driveway.
And my parents were like, we got played by a seven year old. So to me, that's what deals are. You're going to get played. Yeah. The person that writes the contract is the only one that's going to be held to the contract. And then most of the time in the contract, you're not going to be held to it.
You're just going to look like a moron with egg on your face because you put these rules and specific things they have to do down that you're not going to actually do anything about when they don't do them. WE recently switched our membership. We've had our membership for a long time, but we switched the platform.
And so we've updated it, upgraded it. And the past two weeks, this is the first two like weeks in the thing. How's it going in there, Campbell, you're the ones doing it.
I'm like behind the scenes on the tech, but I'm not in there when the calls and stuff it's the calls are going well after you remember that you need to record them. Like me, Kim's was great yesterday because we clued her in that [00:19:00] she has to record it. You made all those mistakes for her. Yeah they're good.
They're far more interactive. I think they're livelier and they're more helpful because in the old way. We, the three of us would sit on the sub and be like I wish we knew our information or I wish we knew this. And sometimes the person would be on the call and I would type it, but that was even hard to manage.
Now, the person is on the call and I'll say was this a situation or what's happening with that? And they get far more like germane information that allows you to answer the question to the best. So it looks like this like the way you and I are on the screen. Yeah, it looks like the Brady Bunch.
Okay. They like literally can talk. And you don't have to have your camera on and you can post a question in the chat. That's, I finally figured out that's what the floating messages, they're going to the chat. See, the first person was me and I was on the struggle bus. Kim had a lot more help and information because we had, I had already failed miserably.
So I think they're going well. There are a lot to manage and so they might be a lot for them to watch us manage. Because every time someone talks, it rearranges everybody. And so you look like [00:20:00] you're a little zoom call, like a zoom meeting. If you've ever, I just said, Hey, I'm not insane. I'm just, I'm trying to figure out who's talking.
Cause it got rearranged. Gotcha. Okay. But yeah, I think they're great. I think they're far more helpful. People seem to be getting more information from them. Okay. So if you guys want to know more about the membership there's a link in the description for that All right, Brie give us and you get book reviews.
Oh, yeah Campbell has like her like monthly book that she does and these are not books about addiction. These are just fabulous Deep thinking novels that speak to my heart. I don't know how you have time to read anything. I just, I really don't. I just make time to read. It's amazing. Okay. All right. Brie's got us a question up here.
We got an, a heritage. Is it inheritance? I bet it's inheritance. Oh, bet it is too. Yeah, we don't know money. Oh it's, should we give him the money? Should give him money. I should lie to him about the availability of it. Should I ask him, Ooh, this is a question we get pretty regular too.
This inheritance thing. This is scary. Or trust. Yeah. Yeah. I Think the question, [00:21:00] a parent expert, the question on that would be, obviously you believe this person is using drugs or would just squander the money? I tell parents all the time especially in the trust fund or inheritance thing if you think that they're going to just blow it, then move out the age for them to get it bump it up later.
If you give them 100 K, they're going to blow through 100 K. So if it, if you care it's your Like the money that they're only going to be able to buy a house with, then don't give it to them. But if you don't care, or if it's not that much, then let them squander it. Maybe that'll let them realize their life is unmanageable.
I think that's what it's already. Cause I think what it's saying here is it's already done. Like maybe someone else left the money. Like this person's not in control of it, but they should we give it to him? So I don't think the kid person knows that he has this inheritance. So that's the case that I wouldn't.
I wouldn't give it to him. If he knows he has it and it's legally his, I don't think you have to. If it went to him with no age disbursement or no caveats, then you have to disperse it because we see this a lot too. I'm like, smaller [00:22:00] levels. Oh, they got 3000 dollars worth of graduation money, but I'm spending.
I'm like, no, that's not the way their money. So they're money and I get that. They're not going to learn a darn thing from that. They're just going to be mad at you. There's no, that does not stop their addiction to not have 3, 000. But if they blew through the 3, 000 without someone, you as parents saying that's ridiculous.
They might think, man, that's just a boatload of money. I just spent on Adderall. Like I could have bought it like a motorcycle, then they may realize that this is dumb. So your thoughts on this one are if they don't know about it. You don't really have to like, oh I guess if you're like, I don't know if you're like the trustee, I don't know how this works.
Yeah, it depends on how you have to tell them or do you just know about if you just know about it. That's. They, you're not going to help them say here's what you need to do. You need to drive up and talk to this person and sign this or don't have them. If they do know about it, you can't really stop them from doing it unless you have some kind of legal something.
But even then, I think you're just going to get into a pissing contest because they're going to be mad at you because you're not dispersing the money, because [00:23:00] you're trying to do that intuitive parenting, which is, I'm not going to give you money that you can spend on drugs or alcohol, but they're not learning anything.
It's not nipping the problem. Yeah. I agree completely, but I think what a lot of families are thinking is it's going to kill them, like this amount of, then I wouldn't, they're reason, which is true. Which is valid, it's not like I care that they squander the money. It's more like, depends on what the addiction is, it might kill them.
That's a, then I wouldn't give it to them no matter what. I've just said, I'm not willing that it's a boundary. I am not willing to watch you kill yourself anymore. So I'm not dispersing this money. You can be mad at me all day long. I just have to be able to put my head down at night that I didn't give you the money to kill yourself.
If you kill yourself with drugs or alcohol, regardless, that's not my, that's not on me. Okay. Yeah, it's the think it through thing. Yeah. All right, Brie, what else I got? Jen says, should I text my husband to see if he wants to see our ten year old or wait for dad to reach out? He is an alcoholic. That's a tough one.
This has the layer of the kid in it. This has the layer of the [00:24:00] kid. I hate the kid questions. I know. I think it's the ten year old Clamoring to see alcoholic dad, is he like lamenting the fact that he's not, is it hurting the kid's feelings? Then maybe say, Hey dude, could you like come over and watch a movie with your kid, but if he's going to show up drunk, that's going to not be any good.
But if the kid is fine with it, cause he's aware that dad's an alcoholic and he's just it's less chaotic without dad in the picture, then I wouldn't fix it. So you would make that decision based on the kid. Okay. I think it helps to know the formula for how you Yes he is.
That's question. So you're not doing this to enable dad, you're doing this for your kid. , so she just typed back up and said, yes he is. So the 10 year old is wanting, I think 10 year old is also old enough to understand, alcoholism. And so you could say we'll reach out to dad, he may not respond.
And if that's the case, 'cause then we'll just do something different. I think you have to set it up that we'll reach out, but I can't guarantee your promise. But if dad doesn't, it's probably not because I don't love you. It's because dad's not calling. Now, when you do the reaching out, don't say, Hey, you [00:25:00] loser, your kid wants to see you.
You haven't seen him in three months. Don't say that. I know you want to. Don't do it. Okay. Empathize, validate, and empower. That's my new formula. Yeah. You say, Hey, Jamie's been asking for you or whatever, I know you're busy. I know you're slammed, but if you could possibly do that would be awesome.
All right, here we go. Next one. Okay. What if they are being really crappy to you and it's so obvious They are intoxicated and they are driving get out of the car. That's the boundary. So this is one of those questions where it's like this is why we move the membership because there's a piece of Information.
I don't know here. Are you saying Renee like y'all are at the house? He's being a jerk, they're having an argument, they're super intoxicated, and then they're getting in the car to leave. Or are you saying you guys are in the car? See, this is where it's like that little detail is a big...
But if they're being really crappy with you, I wouldn't go with them period anywhere, even if they weren't intoxicated. It'd be like, I have zero interest in going to this party with you, or I no longer want to see the movie because I don't enjoy being with you. I think you have to pick that apart too, crappy and [00:26:00] intoxicated.
I realize they go hand in hand sometimes, but if you feel like you're being treated crappily. I wouldn't that the boundary would be I'm not spending time with people to treat me crappily, drunk or not drunk. But if you're saying should I call them out on it, it's not going to do any good. The boundary here is remove yourself.
So if you're in a car, definitely remove yourself. If you're not in the car Remove yourself. So you, that's your side of the street. You do not have to be treated crappy. Now, but it's going to require you to leave because you can say to them to leave, which they may or may not do. Depends on the person, depends on the situation.
And you need to be prepared if they won't, you will. But what you can't say is you can't treat me crappy. You could say it, but it won't work. It's dumb. It's a waste of caloric expenditure because they have a mouth. They can treat you however they want to. Your boundary is I won't be treated. Right and to be fair, they don't see whatever they're doing.
They feel some kind of justification to do it and it's probably intoxicated. Okay. So she's saying that he's calling her and being [00:27:00] crappy on the phone. He works as a driver. Let him lose his license. Let him get pulled. Let him get caught. Don't get them. Don't go. Don't answer the phone. Don't answer the phone.
Campbell has a session. Brie's telling you to get to work. Oh, it's 1. 30. So that was the fastest half hour of my life. It was fast, wasn't it? All right. Bye, you guys. Thank you. Bye, you guys. Bye, Campbell.
Maggie says, it seems like when I set a boundary and say no, for example, no, I'm not giving you money, I always get told I'm being controlling or making a big deal of nothing. How do you find the strength to hold your boundaries when the person is guilt tripping you or throwing an angry tantrum, especially when leaving the house isn't an option?
Some, sometimes holding a boundary does mean there's going to be mad and you're going to have to deal with that. And if it's something that's important to you and you're like, no, I'm just not doing it. They can be mad. And if you're just consistent about it and you're calm, I don't mean this as bad as it sounds, but it's like a kid throwing a tantrum, right?
If you're [00:28:00] consistent and calm, people only do what works. And so if they start guilt tripping you and then you pull into an argument or something like that with them it's just reinforcing it. So you're just going to have to be consistent and you haven't may have to do that, like repeat tape thing.
I'm sorry, you feel that way or whatever, but don't try to reason with them.
When they are intoxicated and you don't want to be around them, don't be around them. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking what if I live with them? Then you need to think through that situation. Because I know you want there to be a better answer, but there's not. And you know that.
The answer is if I'm living with someone and they're intoxicated and they're acting obnoxious or maybe they're even mean or something like that. There's only one answer, and the answer is make arrangements for yourself. That could mean make arrangements for yourself for the night, if you feel like that's the right answer.
It could mean make arrangements for yourself find another situation. It could mean, sometimes, if depends on the person, but sometimes, If you just go say, Hey, I'm going to my bedroom, shut the door. I'm watching Netflix. [00:29:00] Leave me alone, read my book, whatever. If that works, do that. So if that works, do that.
If that doesn't work, then leave and go to a friend's house, something like that. And if that doesn't work, then you need to think through like arrangements. And I know you probably have. I know it's complicated, right? Especially if this is your spouse or partner and you have, it's not just as easy as that, but if that's where it's going, you need to think that through and have a backup plan.
All right, here we go. I just joined. I don't know if you already talked about it or not, but my husband is in early recovery with Suboxone. Are angry outbursts a side effect and how do I manage them because I have my own triggers from his addictive behaviors? No, I do not I've never heard that angry outburst is a side effect of Suboxone.
I don't know, there's, that's not coming from Suboxone. There's more. There's something more to that story. The more to the story could mean he's in withdrawal from something else. The more to the story could mean he's not taking the Suboxone. The more to the story could be, he's just really angry at you.
And he's just. Picking a fight with you, but it's not the suboxone. That's [00:30:00] causing him to have angry outbursts. At least I've never heard of that
question I feel that I should know But when we are saying we are trying to stay five steps ahead of addiction What are those five steps or is it just a saying? Thank y'all I'm glad you asked this because I get this from time to time and I don't always in my mind It's Right there. So you don't always know you don't always think it through.
So it's not five specific steps. What it is it's thinking and instead of arguing about what's happening right now in this moment this immediate fire that's in front of your face, you need to be thinking, what is my goal? For example. Is the goal, my loved one is in denial and I need them to get out of denial and then think what needs to happen for them to be out of denial.
So I think Campbell talked about this on a recent video, like she called, I think she did like a baseball analogy. And she said, if someone's running the bases, you got to be thinking about where are they going? Are they going to third base? You throw it to third base, not to where they are right now.
And so the issue about [00:31:00] being ahead of it is thinking, what is my goal? And. And with addiction, if you just stop and think, you can probably think about the next three or four or five things that are about to happen and you want to get some distance out of it. You want to get out of the everyday arguments and the crisis today and get ahead of it so that you are actually in control, more in control of yourself.
And more strategically responding. I hope that helps answers that.
I am nine months sober. My three, three grown kids won't speak to me. I send birthday cards, etc. They have no contact with me for three years and won't let me see my two grandchildren.
Is there more? Okay. Yeah. What do I do with my three kids that won't talk to me? I'm not sober. This is actually a good question, Bonnie. And this is a boundary question too. If someone's boundary is, they're not talking to you, you can't cross their boundary. Even if you feel it's unfair, even if you just want to tell them that you're sorry and that you're doing better.
If you've [00:32:00] sent the cards and you've, you've tried to relay, Hey, I'm sober. I'm doing better. And. I realized that I made mistakes or whatever. That really is all that you can do. And it's heartbreaking, but you have to respect their boundary.
Does the membership include tools to help the addict? No, not so much. The membership is really more for the family members, but it includes tools for how you can help the addict. So there's a lot of information in there about You know how to get people out of denial what to do in these boundary situations how to protect yourself One of the things I like about the membership specifically is those of you who watch my youtube videos You've probably picked up on it.
But everything I talk about is about the addictive person And it's mostly be nice to them, which i'm guessing it's annoying I get it, right? But what campbell and kim do is they take up for you? And so you get a lot of, what should I do to help them for me right here for free on YouTube. But if you feel like, Hey, what about [00:33:00] me?
Don't my needs count? That's when you need your lawyer. That's when you need Campbell and Kim, because they're going to help you with not just the, what do you do with them? Because you get a lot of that here, but more, how do you protect yourself? Where should you say yes? Where should you not say yes?
Stuff like that. That's a good question. All right, one last one, Bree. Can I have different boundaries than my husband with my in law, his parent, that has an addiction? Of course, definitely. You don't, I'm not the same kind of person. That's my thing about rules, like game time decision.
Every person is different. Every situation is different. Your in law is a whole different situation as your husband. Because I think what you're saying is what you're saying is my husband has an addiction and my in law has an addiction Can my boundaries be different? That's how i'm interpreting the question At least I hope that's what you're saying sir.
If that's what you're saying, then i'm saying It's a different situation.
