What Really Causes Addiction Relapse?
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[00:00:00] The psychology of the relapse process is actually not nearly as complicated as most people make it out to be. If you or a loved one has ever been in a situation where, they've been doing good, they've been sober, they've been in a recovery program for a good minute, and then relapse happens, the natural question to ask is, what happened?
What caused you to relapse? It's the first question the family asks. It's the first question the counselor asks. Is the first question the person asked themselves what the heck happened? What caused this? And It's such a big frustration and it's such a letdown and a disappointment to the person to everybody honestly That sometimes we just look for these like giant deep Answers because we want to be able to explain it.
Not so much that it's like I'm lying about it, but more just like trying to make sense of it. And sometimes people will reach way down deep in there and they look for like big, [00:01:00] giant things when honestly it's just a little bit. simpler than that. Sometimes people just make it too complicated. So today I want to explain to you how a relapse happens.
It's actually not an event. It's a process. It's a formula. There's some factors involved. But once you understand how that formula works, like a plus B equals C. Which is exactly how this works. You're going to, you're going to be a, number one, better able to protect yourself from it. Better able to understand what happened.
And, in the event that it does happen, which we really hope it doesn't we're able to get the door closed on it faster. Damage control, that's what I call it. So most people think that it must be some giant, huge trigger that causes someone to relapse, like it could be an external trigger, like being around other people that are doing whatever it is, drinking, using, engaging, and whatever.
Addictive behavior, it could be an emotional trigger like [00:02:00] a breakup or like a big giant job stress problem, or maybe you even lost your job or a family issue or something like that. So you have these like external reminders and things like that. And then you have these internal triggers, which are usually like emotions and thoughts and stuff like that.
Most people think it's the emotions. Or the external things that cause people to relapse. But that's really not it, honestly. Those things can make somebody, like, think about it more. Those things can maybe turn the volume up on those addiction monster mouths in your head. Make them talk to you a little bit louder, more frequently.
I'm not saying it has no bearing on it. I'm just saying, that's not what really causes it. Because you see, when someone is actually... work in any kind of recovery program or just trying really hard, like really doing the recovery thing. There's this psychological gate that. They have on Being able to keep that closed because you've ever noticed like some people say And maybe even the [00:03:00] same person it's like I was in this high risk situation Everybody was using drinking doing whatever and it didn't even bother me and I didn't even think about relapsing But then I just was eating lunch and saw someone order a beer And then that made me realize why could like one thing cause it and one thing not for the same person or maybe it's just different for different people.
That's because the gate. And so what I want to focus on today is not so much the triggers. Yes, the triggers are important. And all I'm going to say on that is. Do your very best to minimize your triggers. For gosh sakes, don't make it hard on yourself. Don't be a cowboy. Don't do the like testing thing.
Like some people do don't go stand in the bar and see if you can stand in there for three hours and not have a craving, that's just ridiculous. Like, why would you make it hard on yourself? That doesn't make any sense. So you do want to reduce that as much as possible But what I really want you to focus on is your gate locking mechanism Because even if you experience those triggers, even if life gets stressful, even if bad crap happens your gate latch is [00:04:00] good You're going to hold.
It's like that no fail safety net process is going to keep you out of that relapse. And what that gait latch is, it's a psychological thought process. Because it's really not those triggers causing you to relapse. What happens is you have a trigger that may maybe make you want to. I'll give you that.
But when you're in the active addiction And you're just using all the time. That's just happening on autopilot. Like it just happened so fast You don't even have all this I'll process one on but once you've like really had recovery like you're doing good then You've worked really hard.
You've practiced all these skills. You've built these supports. You've done all these things and so Your walls and your barriers against relapse are just stronger and It's going to take a lot to bust through those barriers and those walls and those commitments You've made because you've done all the things you watch all the Amber videos.
You've set up that accountability You've done all the things super proud of [00:05:00] you. So in order for that addiction to get through You going to have to open the door to it. This is what lets it happen buT you got to open that gate so i'm going to talk about How do we open that gate? Because it's really some little thought processes. Basically you got to give yourself permission. It's, if you think of it, it's there's like a guard at the gate and the relapse gate, and it's if you think about those like English guards where they're like, they don't show any emotion and stuff, and they're super serious, you got to convince that guard to let you in.
And so it's this, sometimes I call it monster mouth. Sometimes I talk, call it the committee. And there's this conversation that happens. And a lot of times this conversation can. Start happening weeks days long before the relapse happens it's like I'm starting to work on that gate latch just wearing it down and eventually if that Conversation has been happening in these thoughts have been going on I call them relapse warning signs and then the trigger hits now We do have a bad combination and it probably feels at the moment [00:06:00] like oh, it was the trigger.
It was the stress It was the breakup. It was the whatever But that's not it. It was all the working on. Like allowing the possibility of the relapse to happen. It's all that gate stuff. That's really letting it happen. So let's take a look at some of the ways that the committee, the monster mouths talk us in to making a bad decision.
Okay. These are, if you want to go old school, you want to call them relapse warning signs. These are definitely relapse warning signs. When I hear people make these kind of statements, because a lot of times they'll actually say these things out loud so if you're having these thoughts, or if you're trying to support someone else And you're hearing these thoughts or you're detecting these thoughts.
I'm not saying if you're hearing, I'm going to detect you. I'm not telling you to jump. I've got other videos on what to do. Okay. If you hear this as a family member, I just want you to know what they are so that they're on your radar, particularly if you are trying to keep your own recovery solid.
So one of [00:07:00] the thoughts that I hear pretty frequently is this is just way too hard. I thought it was going to get better by now. It's just not even getting better. A lot of times, that's not even really true. A lot of the times people start convincing themselves of that. It's like this preemptive, set the stage, start convincing myself early for the relapse thing, because sometimes I challenge people cause then they'll say it's not even getting better.
It's just so hard. You told me it would be easier by now. And I say, hold on let's talk about this. You actually, when I first started talking to you, you were like Triggered and craving and it was really hard and you were thinking about it like 30 times a day and now You're still having some of that, but it's like Once or twice a week and they'll be like I guess you're right.
So it's so is it really not getting easier? It's like your addiction starts to disqualify all the good things that are happening and just make sure you laser focus in on the bad things because it's just The con [00:08:00] here is that it's not even worth it. Like it's not getting easier. They said it would get better and it's not and your life's just worse and it's just hard and it's just always going to be hard and you might as well give up.
Do you hear the little con monster mouth talking to you because that's what it sounds like. It's some version of that and I hear people tell me this in session and what I know is happening when I hear this is oh you setting me up. It's coming because you're thinking about using the second one, the second little thought psychological process that you start to hear is yeah, like I'm an addict or I'm an alcoholic or I'm a whatever, but I'm not that bad.
I didn't lose my job. I'm still married. I didn't pawn all my stuff. And so it's like this person, so this is the way I hear it in session. It's the person is oh yeah, I'm working on this recovery program. I really got to be sober. They're saying all the right things on one hand.
But then you hear, or you think, these little thoughts come in about how... It's really not that bad. They're these little minimizing thoughts. I don't know if any of you guys saw [00:09:00] my newest release video, the one that came out on Tuesday. Because in that video was actually a reaction video to this other YouTuber who, his name is Dr.
Deloney. He makes YouTube videos and he has these people call in and he talks them through the problems. I like him. He's good. He's really good relationship advice. Anyways, he had his caller on who was talking about like how his wife like moved out because he had this relapse. And on one hand, he's all talking about I'm, I was going to AA, I was doing everything.
I went to detox, blah, blah, blah, blah. He was saying all this stuff. But then if you listen closely go back and listen to that video if you want to hear what this sounds like if you want To learn what it looks like and what it sounds like you can hear it clearly in the video but he says I wasn't that bad Like he was like minimizing like I wasn't nearly like as bad as like all those people in aa like I was still working and so When I hear those thoughts, what that is it's in my mind, it's like a little monster mouth in there, a little monster guy, and he's got like a crowbar and he's taking that gate and he's prying open.
He's just [00:10:00] making a little hole, a little wedge because when the time is right, when the circumstance is right and the whatever it is available or there's a big trigger, , it's going to, it's going to bust through the gate. a Third. Thought that I listen for or pay attention to is some kind of thought that's it's just who I am.
What happens here is I give up, but I'm just going to accept it. Like I'm just alcoholic. That's just me. Sometimes people even say it almost like about it. Oh yeah, I could just drink you under the table or whatever. There's almost like this bravado about that's who I am. And that's because they've been living that way so long that all these justification processes have happened over and over again for years and years in order to protect yourself from feeling like guilty and shameful about it that you have this defense mechanism of just being accepting it and almost being proud of it sometimes. And even you might not want to admit this but what happens is even you judge other people who don't[00:11:00] So it's not even that you think oh, that's just who I am.
Just like a stupid person. That's not what i'm saying Sometimes it's like that, but sometimes it's oh, yeah, that's me Like other people are just lame straight edge people. They're just you have these judgments against People who don't do that and that's all defense mechanism protecting your ego and yourself Number four is one that i've talked about on this channel quite a bit.
It is the biggie It's the big cat daddy of all the ones i'm going to say This is the one. It's self pity and resentment. Once you start Building a resentment really big about something in your situation.
Maybe it's a family thing Maybe it's a girlfriend or boyfriend thing. Maybe it's a work thing. Maybe it's a sibling thing. Maybe it's a whatever you start fixating on it you start feeling trapped by it. You start convincing yourself that there's no way to fix it and that it's not fair and there's nothing you can do.
This is a process. It's not an all in one day thing. It looks like it from the outside [00:12:00] because it from the outside It's like everything was fine. And then oh my gosh, I just found myself at the bar there was somebody there was some monster mouth in there with that crowbar prying open this hole before you ended up in The bar and a lot of times the way that it's doing that is with this resentment Which leads to feeling sorry for yourself, which leads to giving yourself permission to make a bad decision.
It's like the grand slam ace card. If those monster mouths, if they're going to pull out the fail proof, that's it right there. Now, another one. The fifth sort of psychological thought process that I listen for is some kind of I deserve it. Now, actually, this isn't one that people usually say out loud.
Some of these other ones people say out loud. They don't even realize like what's happening. So they're just talking about what's going on. They don't realize that this is a relapse. They don't realize that they're even planning to relapse sometimes. So they'll talk about this one right here. People don't say it out loud, because it's an obvious one.
Does any version of I deserve it? This can [00:13:00] happen in small ways, like after Something really great happens, like a celebration, like a special event, like a promotion, award something. So there's this I've worked really hard, I deserve it. Or it can look like, I've been on good behavior for 60 days, or I got all the way through dry January.
Whatever it is, I deserve it. I've earned it thought. That is one too. That will get you. Now the long haul on that one will build up sometimes, and it's, I call it If you heard me talk about monster mouths, some of you have, I call it the I'm a grown ass man monster mouth. It could be woman too, but it's I work hard, I pay my bills, I take care of my kids, whatever it is, and then it's I'm a grown ass woman, I can You know, I can have a relaxing whatever if I want to that's the I deserve it one now number six is Right up there neck and neck with the self pity and resentment I'm going to say self pity and shipments number one, but it's close [00:14:00] call these two are like the most common ones so number six is Any version of it'll be different this time that same thing won't happen to me and it comes in different forms But this is the gist of it so it can be like I've been sober for six months it's not going to hurt me to whatever every now and then that's what it usually looks like or it looks like I was really only addicted to Cocaine, alcohol really never was my thing.
In fact, I don't even like to drink. My daddy drank. I really don't even like it. So I can have some drinks. It'll be fine. It'll be different this time. Any version of that. Maybe I can manage it now. Maybe I can just do it socially. This one will bust that gate open several times, like, this con will work on you probably ten times. It's this kind of part of that bargaining thing that I talk about it's this way of convincing myself like If I just do it on the weekends or if I just do it in these situations you know any kind of version [00:15:00] of It's going to be different this time.
I'm going to manage it different. Like all of a sudden I've got these skills and I'm not going to let it get out of control. Oh, sometimes it's like another time that happens. It's my depression's better now. So I probably won't like overdo it because I was really just self medicating. It's not going to work because what you don't realize is it was the self medicating causing the depression, or at least.
Exacerbating it by a lot, so it's oh, my situation is better now. My stress is gone. I don't think I'll fall into that bad pattern again. Once you have gotten to the level of addiction, you've built those neuropathways. They're like cemented in because whatever it is that you are addicted to, you've done so many times.
It's habitual. If you activate that neuropathway. It's going to go back to the way it was because it's so entrenched. Think about how hard it was to break those habits, but they're just right there. And all you have to do is reactivate it. And honestly, when people say this and they feel this, they [00:16:00] really mean it.
They're not like trying to trick you. Sometimes they're trying to trick themselves, but they really mean it. And it's just mind boggling because. A lot of people I see are very successful, like way more willpower and strong than I am, I promise you, way smarter. Like I see some people that like run Ironman, they just run companies.
They just do like amazing things and. And it would be natural to think to yourself dude, I can control everything else. Like I eat healthy, I exercise, I pay my bills, I do all the things. Like surely I can control how much whatever I put in my body, but it may seem like that would be rational on the surface.
And I guess it would be, but it's a lack of understanding about the science of addiction, about what happens in the brain, how this activation thing happens that supersedes all those other things. So yes, you can control all those other things. But once you've crossed the line into addiction, you just don't really go backwards.
And after you've tried that it'll be different this [00:17:00] time thing, 15, 20, 30 times, you start to figure this out. And then those little monster mouths work on you less. It's like that key does not unlock the gate anymore. I'm sure there are a lot more of these thought processes, but these are like the ones I hear.
Every single week all the time and I pay attention to them. I don't always call them out. I don't always say Oh, relapse warning signs because actually if you do that for family members and friends who are listening here and addiction counselors You're going to hear it and that bells going to go off in your head If you're like me, it's going to be like, oh the red siren starts going in your brain, but like Easy Hold it, because if you say, you're just talking yourself into relapse, that's relapse warning signs, you're going to make the person defensive, right?
And then they're going to like, be mad at you, so now we got another resentment, so you really just added to the pile, and then they're going to want to not talk to you anymore, so now they've distanced themselves from a recovery support, so you want to be like, Gentle on how you handle this. I do want you [00:18:00] to know what they are.
Like when you hear these things, I want the red flashing thing to go off in your head, like that alarm should be alarming. But if you're, if it's alarming on somebody else, I want you to go back and watch five Amber videos before you try to address it. Okay. Do not impulsively address it because this person is already teetering.
They're already basically trying to convince themselves. Like they're working it up. Last thing you need to do is give them a good reason. That doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. I just want you to be thoughtful and strategic about what or even if sometimes you don't need to bring it up, but if you're going to like how you go about doing it because Just impulsively calling someone out and say I know you've relapsed or you're going to relapse or you said the same thing last time And you know how that ended do not say that You could think it all you want.
You can call me up, tell it to me if you want. I'll say you're totally right. It's probably what's going to happen, but don't say it because there might be a chance that they could pull out of it. And I don't want you to go and [00:19:00] cut that last safety net safety line that could hold them in place. All right.
So I'm going to take some questions as always, there are more resources for you in the description.
If you feel like you need some recovery coaching, there's a link for that. If you Are a family member and you want some help and support and some guidance. There's a link for that. There's also a link for our free resources page where there's like tons of like recovery downloads and stuff that you can get.
So definitely check those out. All right. Let's see our questions and comments. RH has a good. What type of language and conversations should I try to have with my addicted or alcoholic husband or something like that in the contemplation phase?
Okay, so for those of you who may not, you may be thinking like, what's the contemplation phase? It's one of the phases of, Change that people go through. So it's not like people are like in denial and then they're like, I got to change. There's some phases in there. Contemplation phase is this sort of stage that people go through where they're like I'm probably doing X or Z too much.
I need to cut it back or maybe I need to change [00:20:00] or maybe I do need to get sober. They're thinking about, it's called the thinking about it stage. So what you want to do is you want to listen closely for whatever is motivating them to be thinking about the change and where it gets tricky is. In your mind, there's a thousand really big, obvious reasons why this person's to change and it's tempting to want to throw those out.
Don't you know, you're running your family. You're about to lose your job. Like you file bankruptcy, you may have all these things on the tip of your tongue, but those don't matter. You have to listen for what's motivating them. And for you, it may feel like a dumb reason. Like maybe it's like their girlfriend wants them to stop.
And you may think, Oh, that's why you're going to stop. It doesn't matter whatever is their reason. It's a good one. There's no bad reason so you want to listen for their motivators and you want to Cultivate them. I call it like watering the seed There's a way to pull those forward and
in fact, I even have a a free like session where you can watch me do something [00:21:00] called motivational interviewing where you can watch me do that with a real person, like a real session on how to find their motivators and harness them and pull them forward. But listen for what's important to them.
If they say it's because it's causing me to gain weight, that's a good one, it's causing me to feel stressed, whatever is their little thing, you want to listen for that. Now you don't want to jump on it. You got to play it cool. You always got to play it cool You got to say what makes you like that?
Oh, yeah, I guess that's a good point. You got to play it cool All right. Let's find us another one. Ooh, here's a good one.
Sometimes I get dragged in when I know better. It's hurting me because the whole damn family is a mess I want to walk away. It's hard, Judy. I call it fish hooks. When you say get dragged in... It's not to say something or, you want to stay out of it or whatever, but they just. Throw these little fishhooks at you, and they know how to push your buttons, and then eventually you just bite one of them dang fishhooks.
And you're going to do that from time to time. I do that from time to time. Luckily, if most of the time you're not, and most of the time you're doing a lot of the other things we've talked about, then you build [00:22:00] enough credit in the bank to make that small withdrawal, and you can easily back out of it.
If you're already like negative deficient in the bank, and you do that, you're just going more negative. But you going to mess it up sometimes, Judy. I mess it up, we all do. Love America says, My husband is blaming me for triggering him.
Yeah, I wouldn't drink if you weren't such a controlling nagging fill in the blank, right? I wouldn't drink if you didn't, I wouldn't have to hide it if you weren't so freaked out by if you didn't have a Like mess about it every time. Oh, yeah, that's like classic got to blame you. That's called Self pity and resentment.
That's the big daddy right there at play. Boredom. It is a big trigger Boredom is a trigger for sure Keeping yourself busy keeping yourself occupied is helpful. But it's boredom is like one of those other triggers It may make you want to, but it's not going to get that gate open unless you have to get that guard to open that gate.
And in order to do that, you have to have a reason why it's okay. So if it's a boredom trigger, my guess [00:23:00] is that there's going to be some thought about Oh, just this 1 time, or it'll be different this time, or I'm not that bad, some sort of minimizing. Monster Mouth Con. Let's see here we go. I've relapsed over breakups and heartaches. That's a big one. I feel like the combo thought that probably goes with that is like this sucks.
It's never going to get better because when your heart is broken, it really does suck. And it does feel like you'll never feel better in the last kind of long time. It's terrible. It's actually like being in withdrawal. And so that's the one that you convince yourself. I'm just never going to feel better.
I'm miserable. Like I can't take this anymore with the heartache and the breakup. Then you have the bad combo. Is that the way it happened for you? Or was it different? Good morning, zombie mom. Oh I like this. Candace says, the guard has to be like, Gandalf, you shall not pass. I haven't thought about that, but now from now on, that's the visual.
Everybody put that visual in your head. Gandalf, y'all know Gandalf? From Lord of the Rings with the big white beard and the big staff. [00:24:00] You, and it's like all the big powerful wizards. That's what I want you to think. You need to get a Gandalf in there. I like it. Anthony says, I had a couple of relapse episodes of use lately and I always trick myself into believing it will make you feel better. That's a good one. Let's add that to the list, Anthony. It's going to make you feel better. That's a lie, isn't it? It does feel like...
Especially if you're feeling bad, it's I just need some reprieve, I just need some relief. The thing of it is it only ever makes you feel worse. Every time. Especially when you've been in recovery because you can't even enjoy the high because you feel guilty about it. It's a buzzkill. Once you've had recovery it's a trick for sure.
But that is a common one, so let's put that on the list. You guys add that one in. Kamund from South Africa. I've been listening to you. Thank you. Thanks for listening. Nicole has a question.
I'd love to hear your insight from the perspective of food, binging, overeating, gait, thoughts, and interventions. It's very difficult when eating is part of life. I totally [00:25:00] agree with you. I struggle with this one myself. And I would say that it's probably a pretty similar process. I can tell you how it works for me.
So for me, it's you wake up, you had a good night's sleep. You're all in the good zone. You're like, all right, I'm going to be good today. I'm going to work hard. I'm going to make good decisions. I'm going to eat right and exercise and you have all these good plans and you do good for a while for me.
But as the day goes on and you get tired of your entire and your willpower wears down, you eventually just get to the. Efforts or that I deserved it or I've worked hard or I, I just got to eat something. I don't have time to go make something healthy. So yes, there's that gate opening process.
And I would say that it works just exactly the same.
Okay, here's a good one. Don says, My son says often, 17 years we've been going through hell. He's 34 and it started at 17. Okay, that one is, I'm glad you said this because this is a good example of, it's not getting easier. It will never get better. So [00:26:00] basically when you have that thought, it's permission to quit trying.
Because it's basically like saying, why even try? It's been going on 17 years. It's never going to get better. That's a great example of what I'm talking about. \
DJ says, I'm on vacation. This is what led to the last time, right? So those of you are listening which one of the ones we talked about does this, which categories is falling to? I wish we had some game show music like Okay, this one falls into the I deserve it. I'm on vacation. I deserve to let go and relax and that's like a common vacation thought, right?
I'm vacationing, I'm going to eat whatever I want. It's not uncommon. It's not even unreasonable, right? I totally get it. Vacation is a big one. Especially if you vacation anywhere that has water involved. I don't know why, but that just seems to make it worse.
Tara says, it's so hard to believe that stepping back and letting my husband's addiction run its course will actually happen. It feels like I'm saying okay with everything, [00:27:00] but not saying anything. Okay. I'm so glad you said this Tara, because I know what you're saying. Everybody on here knows what you're saying.
It feels so unnatural. I like to say it feels like not hitting the brakes when you're. skidding on ice or sliding on ice, but it is what you need to do. The reason is the reason Tara is because what you don't know is that even though your husband isn't saying this to you, there's this conversation in his head, just like this conversation that'll talk you into the bad things.
There's also this conversation, this dialogue that's happening. That's he may not admit it to you. You may not see any clean of it, but I promise you it's there. This saying, this is a problem. You got to stop, you should get better. And if you come at him, about it, what happens is immediately reflexively, he defends whatever's happening.
He minimizes it. He tells you why it's not that big of a deal. He tells you to screw off, whatever. And every time you get him to say out [00:28:00] loud. Any of those defensive thoughts you're making that other voice louder. And you're distracting him. So you just need to let that little voice work inside.
Now, if your husband is to the point where he's completely not functional, he's not in denial at all. He's just whatever. I don't care. Like he's just so far gone. That's a different situation. But if what you're dealing with is that your husband is in denial, they just don't want to talk about it and they're still functioning fairly well, you need to let that little voice work.
It's in there. I promise you it is. And you'll even get little glimpses of it. If you're super cool about it, they'll let you see and hear little glimpses of it. And that'll help you feel better. Are you getting any of those? Those little change talk glimpses?
What do you do when you hear these things? How do you stop it from taking over? If you hear these things, and they're your thoughts as in you're the person with the addiction, you just remember about this video and you say, Shut up, you lying little monster mouth, I'm not listening to you.
[00:29:00] It's not even working. If you hear these things and you're the family member, it's a little bit more complicated. And I have some videos on here. I think they're in the playlist titled Relapse. That talk about what to do, how to damage control it. Cause it's a, it's not a black and white answer here.
But mostly, , don't jump on top of it and say you're thinking about relapse. Don't send this and say, Watch this video right now because you're having these. Don't do that. Take it calm. Take it easy. Go back to all those things that I teach you and try to redirect it or intervene on it.
But you have to do it delicately.
Marilyn says her son says he just gets bored, right? Boredom is a trigger, but there's something else there that lets him open that gate. Steven says, I'm so very sad. My son has no plans for recovery. Was in the Army Iraq War. Now, 20 years later, feeling bad and sorry, he lives.[00:30:00] With us for the last four years, but today I'm struggling with making him move.
I need all the help I can get. Done and tried. He is a wonderful person and lovable, but I feel love for him, but not the unlovable behavior That's a really good way to think about it. And that's true. The war was so tragic and the trauma for him and his family I feel like I have cement boots on and I can hardly breathe right?
I think this one Is an aversion of, , it's never going to get better. The probably this is a dialogue that this, that your son is having with himself. I'm just miserable. It's never going to get better. And probably this is the only way I can cope, or this is the only thing that makes me feel better.
Some version of that. And it makes it really hard on you too, as a family member and as a father, because you have that empathy for them. One of the, one of my, I have lots of unpopular thoughts, but probably my most unpopular thought is this. As much empathy as I have for people who struggle with addiction, who have traumas, and [00:31:00] there are lots of them.
I have every bit of heart for it. It's not an excuse. It doesn't make me change my mind. It doesn't make me back off. You know why? Because letting someone off the hook because they have trauma is ridiculous because that person that has an active addiction is traumatizing other people. So if we want the trauma to stop, we have to say, I get it.
I love you. I feel I understand your dilemma. I'll do anything I can do to help, but that's not a reason to keep going. It's not a reason to keep this addiction going or to not hold yourself accountable because look at the trauma that it's causing you to watch that addiction going and whoever else is in his life.
ThAt's why I have empathy for it, but it doesn't because sometimes families will even have so much empathy that they just make really bad decisions. Like they'll just like literally keep buying them drugs or they'll just not hold the boundary with them because they have so much empathy. It's not a good reason to do that.
LEt's see. Christina says I have three years clean off of meth. Last year I started my [00:32:00] own business and just bought myself a new car. I know that it's not possible for me to have a family relationship and be successful.
I think there's like more than that. It's what you're saying is I could never have done this stuff and be on math. I think that's what you're saying. I think what you're saying, what Christine is trying to tell us is this is one of the... way she guards against this relapse is she reminds herself like look How far my life has come And how much better it is and I can't have that when i'm in that state And so when you have those little monsters come up to the guard This is a good thing for that guard to say right back.
Let's see here.
Tina says your members group is great. Thank you Amber and your team for making it possible. You are so welcome. We, our members group has always been great, but we recently had those upgrades and we're really excited about it.
Actually, we've had a little technical learning to have to do, but we love it. They're having a live group coaching every week. If you guys are a family member and you're not in that, you should definitely be in that cause. Kim and Campbell come on there every week and answer your [00:33:00] questions and give you advice and it's awesome.
And Kim and Campbell, let me tell you what is better about them than me. They look after you, the family member. I feel like I'm always taken up for the defense for the person who's Probably done some bad things. It's true. That's what I do, but they look out for you. They're good with the boundaries.
Our fellow that we just talked to has the son that was moving out. Let me find your name again. What was your name? Was it Steven? Steven. Steven, if you're not in that group, you should be in that group because Campbell would keep your head on straight about this. She's the best at that. She's been through it.
She's got two sons. She's really good. She would keep you solid. Debbie says you're picking on me. That's a thought, right? You're picking on me. Which one is that falling to? Self pity, that's right, and relapse, or self pity and resentment, that's right.
Let's see, question, Susan says, Hubby just relapsed over the last six months ish. His issue is pain pills. He recently said he thought, All of what you have mentioned, are there [00:34:00] any chances for him to stay sober? So what you're saying is he's, is he, are you saying he's been sober for the last six months?
Are you saying he's been in a relapse for six months? Hold on. He's been in a, if he's already in the relapse, that's why you're hearing every single one of these statements because he's justifying the continued use. So it's like at this point, all the whole committee is just keeping him stuck in that.
In that thought process and cycle, C. V. Says prior to my husband's recent relapse, he told me that a stressful family issue really made me want to drink. 2 days later, he relapsed. Should I have said something when he signaled this weakness? This is actually a really, this is really good question.
Kind of goes back to what I said, as far as relapse doesn't happen all at once. It's a process. So this could have been where the first domino fell. Maybe it was an argument, a fight, whatever. I don't even know, like a financial situation, whatever the situation was that caused a lot of stress, the fact that the person said it out loud.
Most of the time [00:35:00] is a good sign. I think if the person says it to me in session, Oh my God, I got so upset. I was so stressed. I just couldn't take it anymore. I really want to drink Amber. If somebody says that to me, I actually see that as a good sign because they're not going to tell me that they're wanting to drink if they're planning to drink.
So a lot of times saying it out loud is a good sign. There's one situation where it's not. Sometimes, the person is saying that as a way of, I don't know what the stressful situation was, but if it involved you, and he's saying it to you, what he might be saying is, You're making me want to drink, and he might be falling into self hate and resentment.
So it depends on Why he's saying it out loud, 90 percent of the time, I think it's good. So if what he's saying is, he's just saying, maybe it didn't have anything to do with you or whatever, or he's just telling you what's going on, like just being open. Then you say, wow, I know I totally get it. I'm like, that was really bad.
Like. How did you keep that from happening? So you want [00:36:00] to validate that they didn't, or you want to say, I'm glad that you're paying attention to those things because the fact that they notice it is good, unless he's saying it as a manipulative statement, basically setting himself up to blame you.
, let's see. Mary says, Can you make any suggestions about the holidays? I've heard that it's a tough time for qualifiers to say sober. Qualifiers, for those of you who don't know what that means, is basically like for the addicted loved one. It's like an al anon term, I think.
It means the person in my life who qualifies me to be an al anon. It's really confusing. But, tell me if I'm wrong, but that's the way I understand the term. I have a whole video on this But the gist of it is if this is your loved one You just want to have a conversation with them and say hey I know this might be hard.
What can I do? Don't make it weird. Don't make it be like, Oh, like we shouldn't go, you're going to drink. You can say, hey, you want to go? You don't want to go. You be your wingman? You want me to make sure there's no alcohol there? You want me to make sure there's no alcohol here? You want me to tell everybody they can't drink?
You want me to whatever it is, you be on their side and you say, I got your back. What do you need me to do? And sometimes what they need you to do is [00:37:00] just not be weird about it and don't let other people be weird about it. Or run interference for them so everyone's not asking them awkward questions and looking at them funny.
But find out what they need from your help and let them know you're an ally. And don't be overly freaked out about it, because that's actually, that makes you feel nervous and it's a triggering of itself, it's everybody's being all weird about it and they're all worried about it. It makes you feel...
Uncomfortable, so just ask them. All right. Let's see here
Roxanne Richard says if you hear those voices Go to a meeting if they are in recovery or have them get outside himself try to help someone So this is pretty good recovery advice. Basically, it's redirect it. What you don't want to do, which is exactly what Roxanne is saying, is stay in your head and entertain that thought.
Because the more you let a thing talk to you, the more you entertain it, the bigger and louder it gets. So redirect it. Go to a meeting, do something else, help someone else. Shift get out of your head quit Giving that thought [00:38:00] space because it's not it's the more attention you give it the bigger it gets.
All right, everybody We are about out of time. We will not be here next week, but we will be here every other Thursday.
We'll see you soon. Bye bye.
