How to Break Free From Being A Codependent Person: A Guide For Addicts and Non-Addicts
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[00:00:00] Trying to tell yourself to just stop being so codependent and stop helping other people when that's your habit or almost like compulsive nature. It's about as effective as someone who has an addiction, just telling themselves to stop. Drinking, stop using, stop smoking, stop gambling. We all know that it's a little bit more complicated than that.
When we have these behavioral patterns which happen over and over again, they get pretty entrenched in our Habits, and sometimes even in our personality, especially when it comes to a topic like codependency, if you really want to break free from those codependency cycles, you're going to have to address the root of the matter.
And so we're going to be talking about what are some of the possible. roots that could be triggering this behavior in you. Now this is not designed only for people who have [00:01:00] addicted loved ones. This is about codependency in general. Codependency can apply to anyone and everyone. And.
I know that word can be a little fuzzy or gray, or it means different things to different people, and sometimes different things depending on the context. But what I mean for the purpose of this video, when I'm talking about codependency, it's when you're continually overly sacrificing your own needs to help someone else's.
issue, fix their problems. Basically, it's like an over self sacrifice and that can apply to anyone and everyone. And sometimes that is even the root of someone's addictive behavior is that they don't know how to get their needs met in a more productive way. And they tend to overdo or over help for other people.
So it can truly happen to anyone. When the word first started being thrown around, it comes, it came out of this book Melody Beattie wrote called Codependent No More was the first. There's like hundreds of books on codependency [00:02:00] now. And in the concepts in that book, it was about. it was about sort of her relationship with an alcoholic or addicted loved one.
And there was some sort of theory thrown around at that time that because she had grown up with an alcoholic father or an alcoholic family, somehow there's, there was this thought that we subconsciously seek out an addicted person to marry. Which I don't really believe that theory at all. It's an old school thought that didn't really have any backing to it.
But people would notice, they say, why do I keep falling into this same pattern? And I would say, it's not so much that you're picking a person with addiction to have in your life. Or like drawing them in like magnets as some people might want to think, but more if you tend to have codependency, probably keep them around longer and self sacrifice longer and find yourself stuck in a situation with someone who has an addiction longer than someone else who maybe would have set a boundary [00:03:00] earlier.
Hopefully that makes a little sense to you. So when I say codependency, I don't mean, oh, you're codependent on their addiction. That's another context of this word. So I've got a whole list for you of reasons why, or like those underlying root reasons why you could struggle with codependency, but I'm hoping that you guys are able to add to the list.
All right. Simon Sinek always says, start with why. So before I tell you what the root cause is, I want to tell you. why this is so important to address. Okay. I got several, I got some reasons on the notes written down about this too. The most obvious one, the most obvious why you need to break these codependent patterns is because you're not getting your needs met.
That's probably the least important one, honestly, because a lot of you are like, that's okay. That's all right. I don't mind. So that's not really enough probably to trigger you into action. So it's important, but if you struggle with codependency, it may not be important enough to make you want to change.
But[00:04:00] Some of these other ones I'm about to tell you might be. The next big reason why it's really important to break these codependent behaviors is because you, when you're fixing someone else's problems over and over, you are preventing them from growing, which is disallowing them to build self confidence, self esteem, if Campbell was here, she'd say, you're not letting them get their serotonins and I would agree with her.
You're robbing them. Okay. The other person of that. Additionally, let's add to the list. Additionally. You may not recognize this, but the people around you will recognize this. So if you don't believe me, ask the other people around you, not the person that you're codependent with, but like the other people is that if you get in a real codependent type situation with someone, as in there's a person in your life that.
Has a lot of needs and you're constantly like self sacrificing and you're helping them all the time. The other people in your life who care about you, who love you, who want to be around you, who needs your time and attention to start to suffer. And it's [00:05:00] easy to say they're okay. This person's not okay.
So they're all right over there. I just need to put that off and I'll get to that. You don't realize it, but you put that off and you put that off and you put that off till you've neglected those other relationships. And sometimes permanently damaged them because of that. And it can be a little bit hard to understand because you may think they're okay.
They, they're fine. They can cook their dinner. They can do this without me or whatever. But over time you can seriously rupture your relationships. For example, let's say you have an adult child who's addicted and you have a partner. Maybe this partner is not even the child's parent. Maybe you went through a divorce or something like that, but even if it is the child's parent, you're going to be, you can get so concerned with that child that your partner becomes resentful.
And this is beyond just disagreeing with you about how to handle it. There's that we have other videos on that, but just resentful that you're so consumed with that. Your other children can become frustrated and resentful. [00:06:00] Your coworkers maybe get upset because you're calling out or you're just like halfway.
Doing your job and that when you're not taking care of your own needs, when you're not getting your needs met, guess what that leaks out onto the people around you. And so then it falls on those people, and a lot of times that's that kind of thing that happens behind the scenes, and it happens slowly.
We don't really quite recognize the magnitude for which that's going on the. Other thing, other really big reason I've talked about this one before is when you overly self sacrifice for other people, you end up building big old giant resentments. And that's a problem for a number of reasons. But one of the biggest reasons is because you're going to act out on that resentment.
You're Going to either take it so long that you just blow your top one day and say a bunch of mean, nasty, hateful, terrible things. Or you're Going to let it out in these little passive aggressive jabs every [00:07:00] chance you get. These little comments that are like, I call them smarky remarks. It's going to come out and then you're going to be acting in a not so great and lovely and wonderful kind manner.
And that again, hurts you. It hurts the people around you. It just has that domino effect. Hopefully you can relate to one of these reasons. Hopefully one or multiple of these reasons is enough to say, all right, I'm going to deal with this. If you can think of some more reasons why you guys list them for me in the comments.
All right, now let's get to those root reasons. Why do you keep doing this? What does it come down to? It could be a number of things, actually. When I was doing a little research on the topic, somebody said that codependency comes from insecure attachment. Or anxious attachment is another word for that.
Which could be true, for sure, But I was thinking it's really a bigger problem than that. If you're not familiar with what insecure attachment is, it has to do with like early childhood development. It has to do [00:08:00] with the way you attach to people. If you have a fear of losing people or a fear of abandonment, that would be the kind of thing that we're talking about here.
And so if you have that deep down fear that someone's going to leave, you're going to lose someone you may. overly self sacrifice thinking that's going to keep that relationship for you. But there are other reasons too. That could be one. Maybe that's your root reason. If it is, then that's the thing that you have to address if you really want to get over this behavior.
Maybe You have a fear of other people being uncomfortable. There could be a number of reasons why you have that fear. Maybe you're like a highly empathetic person. And when they're uncomfortable, you're really uncomfortable to some degree. Maybe in your childhood, when other people got upset or bad things happened, they acted out in such a way that.
They did bad things and then that fell down on you. So you have this learned behavior of trying to keep them calm, trying to keep other people smooth or stable. Maybe the root [00:09:00] cause of your codependency is irrational guilt. And that could be coming from a number of places too.
Maybe you feel like, I have all these nice things. And other people don't have a responsibility to share or help or something like that. This irrational guilt can come on where you feel like you've done something wrong. And that's why it's irrational because usually, guilt means we've acted in a way that's against our value system towards somebody else.
Usually we've done something wrong, but other people creating problems for themselves, that's not on us. And so when we have that guilt for the uncomfortableness that other people are suffering because of their own choices, then that's what makes it the irrational guilt. Not too long ago, I did a reaction video, , to this other YouTuber is a doctor and he does the He does these like videos where he talks to people live.
They're really cool. And one of the things that he always says in his videos is choose resentment over guilt. [00:10:00] You'll feel guilty. So it means let it happen and feel guilty and know that guilt is irrational versus doing it and then holding that resentment because that resentment is going to brew into a lot of other negative.
So if you're going to feel guilty, sometimes you just have to live with that guilt, but you should really examine it and say, I really should feel guilty if I feel like I did something wrong. And so you got to ask yourself, did I really do something wrong? Sometimes you'll see parents have this kind of guilt.
I call it like parent guilt and they may think what if my. Kid is struggling with addiction because I got a divorce or because I work too much or something like that. And I can hear what you're saying when you have that thought like maybe I contributed somehow. Unless you are giving your kid substances as a kid, like you're literally contributing to it.
Yeah, those are things that maybe you wish you could have done differently, but I don't think I would let that guilt, number one, make you Make choices that, are not great choices, like enabling choices, which [00:11:00] happens to a lot of people. I see it specifically a lot in divorce situations. It's divorce their dad and he's a jerk and he treated them like crap and I feel guilty about it.
So now I feel like I have to make up for it. You see this in divorce situations a lot. It's like. Trying to overcompensate basically is what it is. So watch out for that one. This is the most difficult one I think to overcome. Maybe the reason you keep fixing other people's problems, overly self sacrificing, putting yourself in a bad situation for someone else, is because you're afraid Of what's going to happen to the other people in their life.
Hopefully that's not so confusing I see this most often when the person with the addiction has children Or the person it doesn't even have to be person with the addiction really it could just be person has children and you feel If you don't fix it or help this person that their children are going to suffer and it could be other people around them, but it's almost like you're not exactly [00:12:00] doing it for that person.
But you realize that if you don't. There's a whole other group of people that are going to suffer. And so then you feel like you have to, for those other people, that is probably the hardest one to break because there's this empathy inside and that it's usually not, especially when it's children, those other people's choice, and they don't have any power in the situation.
If you're doing that and you're worried it's going to hurt other people around them, but those other people are adults, then I would say those other adults, that's their choice. So that's that irrational guilt we need to come back to. Now I want to spend just a little bit of time talking about ways to work on this.
Now, plan A, stop doing it. If Campbell were here, she does a better job with this. She'd say, stop it. But if you feel like you can't stop doing it, then at least back off. Okay, let's do some damage control stuff here. Could you let them sit in it for a bit?
Because hey, they might solve it if you just let it sit for a minute. Some of us fix other people's problems [00:13:00] before they ask us to, before sometimes they even want us to. And let's, and sometimes, you might have codependency so bad that you're literally fixing problems for other people that they don't want you to and they get irritated at you and they're mad at you for stepping in.
They're like, I didn't want you to do that. I'm good. I got it. Some people get frustrated with you. So at least if you can't not do it, can you delay doing it for as long as possible? Because a lot of times, like I said, people will step up. Could you possibly ask for something in return? Maybe it's a.
An example might be, sure, I'll take your shift for you tonight, because I know, your kid had this thing. Could you take my shift next Saturday? What I really like about this one is if this person says, no, I can't do that for you, it gets real easy to not do that for them, because it becomes.
Ultra super clear the nature of the relationship. So if you're going to sacrifice your needs to help someone else, it's really okay to do [00:14:00] that occasionally. That's not a problem. What's a problem is if we're sacrificing our own needs over and over again. For the same person or for the same few people.
So ask for something in return. Hey, I can do that. Could you babysit my kids on this day? Because if you can keep the relationship and it's not tit for tat, it's not scorekeeping, but if you can keep the relationship somewhat equal, you'll keep the relationship healthy. You'll build less resentment.
They'll build less resentment towards you. If someone in your life really needs something, could you meet them in the middle? Could you possibly just not solve the whole problem? If they need some money, could you give them a little bit of it instead of the whole bunch? And this sounds funny because it's almost like tapering back.
It's almost drink less or whatever, which never works when it comes to addiction. But it might help you to withhold and pull back a little at a time. If you feel like you just cannot stop rescuing, could you, if a person in your life is having a problem and you're worried about it and you can't sleep at night and all that kind of stuff, could you come [00:15:00] up with some possible ways you could help that are within acceptable, reasonable limits for yourself?
You could say, Hey, I could. I could do this. I couldn't make dinner and bring it over to you. I could take care of your dog while you're gone, for X amount of time, whatever. And you can give them some multiple choice instead of just jumping in and fixing the problem with whatever solution you think is the solution.
Number 1, it's asking, do you need some help? And what would be helpful? And that's actually being respectful of their boundaries by doing that. The other thing that I think is really important when you're going to help is set reasonable expectations up front. And you can do that in one of two ways.
It's probably more than that, but I thought of two of them off the top of my head. If it's not something you can do regularly, and you know that this problem's probably going to keep coming up for that person, then you can say, hey, normally I wouldn't be able to, and if there's a real reason, then say, because I normally have my kids on Saturday night, because [00:16:00] my budget is down to the wire normally, or whatever it is, but I think I can help you out this one time.
And by doing that, you're setting a boundary right up front that says, Hey, yeah, I can do it for you this one time, but I'm telling you don't be expecting me to do this for you all the time. Or if it's a situation where someone's going to need some help and there's over a period of time involved, then say, hey, I can help you and specify how much and for how long, because when you don't do that, and let's say you say something vague I'll help you pay your rent until you can get on your feet.
Don't do that. That's what I'm talking about here. I'm saying set the limit say, I can help you by contributing 300 dollars towards your rent, for the next 3 months or until you get, your new job or whatever, your first paycheck. Put a limit on it because then you get past your limit. You get done wanting to help.
You're like, okay, I've been doing this six months. I don't want to do it anymore, but you didn't say that upfront. So then you start with the irrational guilt. If you will set [00:17:00] those boundaries and limits on what and how much for how long and under what conditions, then you're going to save yourself a lot of heartache in the future by just setting the stage correctly.
This probably isn't the case for. for the codependent relationship you're thinking of right now. Right now you probably, have some kind of codependent situation going on with somebody that's done been going on for a long time. I don't talk about that one, but if you've got that going on, you're likely to have a codependent type dynamics in the future with other people.
So this is a preventative one. Okay. If you're new in a situation, new in a relationship you don't want to jump in and fix something right off the bat for someone. When you do that you're literally setting the wrong stage. You're like saying, this is the rules of engagement for this relationship.
When I used to be a school teacher and they say you can start out strict and get less strict as the school year goes on, but you can't. Really [00:18:00] start out less strict and get strict. You can, but it doesn't work very well. So if it's a new relationship going forward, start with too many boundaries.
It's better. And then as you get to know that person, if it's safe, it's appropriate. You can let some of those boundaries back a little bit, but it's better to start with more boundaries and These are just ideas of how to keep yourself out of that kind of codependent dynamic going forward, because once you're in it, y'all know it's real hard to get out of.
It is difficult. And then when you eventually do get out of it, then of course, they see you as the bad guy. The person, I can't believe you did that to me. I can't believe you're not going to help me now. And even if you've been helping them for 10 years. And you finally cut them off and it's like I can't believe you right put you in the bag at all You change the rules and that's not fair and then they'll start saying all that and they'll hit that irrational guilt button And then you'll be stuck
carolyn says, I really need this. I'm stuck going in circles and not sleeping well. Yes, that's what happens. Your anxiety gets up. You're worried about them. You're mad [00:19:00] at them. You're worried about you. You're worried about everything. And it impacts everything in your life. And when you said that, Caroline you prompted me for some reason to remember, I think it was the sleeplessness part.
I didn't say this, but one of the other root reasons why you codependency is childhood trauma. And in specifically complex childhood trauma, it could have been a trained in you behavior. And that's a whole topic. I was going to say whole video, but probably a whole series of videos in and of itself.
Terry says she tends to be codependent. Me too, Terry. I'm with ya. I got a good bit of that in me too. I have to work on it all the time. . Miss Ridinger says my 32 year old non functioning addict and my fiance, Wait, hold on. 32 year old non functioning addict and my fiancΓ© can't stop letting her destroy our relationship.
I'm currently staying away from our home indefinitely as long as she is there. What do I do? Okay, this must be a situation or I think the situation was [00:20:00] reading her where you're saying you're engaged to someone who has an adult child who's addicted and This is one of those situations like we were talking about in the beginning about why to work on this because your other relationship's suffering.
What you're saying is, hey, I'm done. I'm out because you can't, fiancee, I think is what you're saying, can't be there for you. You guys can't have a relationship because of that other situation. I think that's what you're saying. And if that is the situation and you need to draw that boundary for yourself, that's perfectly appropriate because guess what?
You can enable other people's enabling. You can enable it. You go, you can go back 10 levels on that if you want to, right? If you've got somebody in your life who's paying and the bills for the addict, but then they can't pay their bills and you're paying their bills, then you're enabling their enabling.
Oh yeah. I can keep going.
All right, it says what is the most important thing you can do to create boundaries? I would say the first thing you need to do is really understand boundaries, and I think that is hard. Boundaries are for yourself. This is the most sort of wrong thing that people [00:21:00] do, or way they mess it up is the right term.
This is the way people mess it up is they try to say you can and you won't and don't treat me If you're trying to set a boundary for someone else, you're doing it wrong. Boundaries are for you. So that's the first thing is really wrap your head around it. I've got a whole series on here about boundaries and I'm telling you just can't watch that enough.
You can't reinforce that enough. If you struggle with codependency, I have to do it myself. And then the second thing you could do is look at why you're doing it. arE you having irrational guilt? Let's see here. Riri says, I like set boundaries. I feel like the boundaries I set, the more I am resented and the more he drinks.
Yeah. If you've been overly self sacrificing for a really long time and you start to set the boundaries, yeah, people don't like it. And that's what I mean when I say that to turn that dynamic around, you're almost always going to be the bad guy sometimes forever, and sometimes just for a short time, you can somewhat sometimes damage [00:22:00] control.
It depends on the person's personality based on how you go about setting that boundary, what you say, or don't say the tone and that kind of thing can make it. Easier to absorb, but yeah, they're not going to like it. You change the rules of the game and they're mad because those rules didn't change in their favor.
How about when you're codependent having many narcissists in your life that take endlessly, thank you. The codependent becomes the alcoholic due to all the stress. Oh, I see what you're saying.
I got to tell you, Bonnie, the first thing I think when I read this and it's just like an impulsive, thought is I've been doing this 20 years and I've only met probably three people in 20 years that I thought were true narcissists. So my first thought is are we talking about like narcissistic personality disorder, like the diagnosis?
Are we just talking about like selfish people? , cause you can be selfish to yourself. It's involved or cocky or whatever, and not be A narcissistic personality, so I'm going to assume if there's many in your life that they're probably more on the just like selfish side because otherwise, I [00:23:00] don't even know how you'd get that.
You'd have to try to find that me true narcissists. And my guess is that you're training those relationships. So what I would say to you, Bonnie is. You need to go to one of those very last things I said, which is start with too many boundaries. Okay. And then slowly let out, because if you've got a lot of people around you, they're taking advantage of you, you have trained them that way.
So instead of saying I'm surrounded by a narcissist, it's I, for whatever reason, overly self sacrifice And then you resent them and then they feel like narcissists. Maybe they are narcissists, but What are you doing to contribute to that? Bailey says Would you be open to doing a live that sole purpose is to answer the questions in the comments and not so much a specific topic I did that not 000 subscriber.
It was fun I answered so many questions. I like my Voice hurt by the time we got done, but it was fun. And then also. If you are interested in that more of that [00:24:00] kind of thing, you may want to be in our membership because every week in our membership, Campbell and Kim go in there and they have live group coaching where it's all just answering questions like in more in depth than what's happening right here.
Let's see here. Sugar Salad Sandwich. I like that profile name. I'm Going to have to put it up here on the screen because it's Sugar Salad Sandwich. Love it. Hey Amber, you changed my family's life. Thank you. I found once my husband got sober, I felt lost. I hated being his wife mom, but when he didn't need me, I felt lost.
You know what? That's super insightful of you to say. It's like we want. Them to be fixed. We want the situation better, but it's been going on so long it's like now what, and it, even when they get better, I love that you said wife, mom, because that was so on point. That's what happens when your spouse, you become their mom.
And then you resent them and then they resent you. And even when the addiction gets better, it's really hard to break that cycle. And I think that's what you're saying here. And I bet there's a lot of people here [00:25:00] that could relate to that. So I feel like. You nailed it when you said wife, mom. So if I were you, I'd start sliding back over into the wife category and do a better job of asking for what you need so that you can respect your partner more as your partner, because when you're momming them, there's this dynamic that's like this like you're up here and they're down here and this that's why those resentments build so Try to get back on an equal footing with them And part of that is letting them step up to the plate asking them to step up to the plate in a kind way And then you both appreciate each other more
All right. It says codependency seems to be about control to me. To some degree it is. And usually if you're in a relationship and the other person is codependent, toward you, you feel like they're controlling you and it is because they're so worried. It is for a couple reasons, because they're so worried that you might suffer, that they try to make sure that you do or don't do certain things to prevent [00:26:00] problems or whatever.
So there's that aspect of controlling. And then there's this other aspect of controlling where that person that's codependent has over self sacrificed for so long. tHey're just ticked at you and they're, and then you get all this. If you're going to live in my house if I'm going to pay you bills, then you're going to do it this way and that way.
And so that controlling comes in from two places. It comes from a place of fear, comes from a place of resentment. And then you tell them that they're being controlling. And then that caused more resentment because they're like, what are you talking about? I'm controlling. One of the things I like to say is if you don't take control and responsibility in your life, then someone else will.
And it's I don't want to be boss. I don't want to be controlled. Then take control of your own life, right? Handle your business and then no one else will handle your business for you. That's what I like to say. I say that a lot to young people because they don't quite understand that they want to be adults, but not adult.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Let's see here. Question. I have over self sacrifice [00:27:00] for decades, started drinking to cope and then mixed in my law and in the mix lost my three grown children as fallout. I have been sober for 10 months now but they are still no contact. What now? It's really hard for people in early recovery when other people won't give them a chance because it feels like, look, I did it.
I'm turning around. I'm really trying. I really mean it this time. And you do, and you are trying, but in the other person's eyes. They've been hopeful so many times and been let down so many times. They just don't even want to give you a chance. They literally don't want to consider the possibility that things could be better.
And you, as painful as it is, you have to respect their boundaries. If they are saying, if someone is saying to you, do not contact me. Do not contact them. That is a boundary. That we have to be able to accept whether we like it or not.
Let's see here.
Bonnie says codependency can definitely lead to addiction due to all the stress. Then you can't help anyone must help yourself. [00:28:00] Yes. And I see this a lot in women, Bonnie, because it's it's like that. Culture thing that's going on. It's you give, you run all day, you take care of your kids.
And then it's finally, it's like this one thing that you're doing for yourself. And that's what it feels like. It's this is my self care. I'm having a drink for me, or I'm doing this, whatever it is you're doing for yourself, but what's happening is you're over sacrificing so much. You're emptying the tank.
You're trying to fill that void with that alcohol, with that gambling, with whatever it is that's happening there. And as long as there's a leak in the container, it's never going to be filled and you're right, Bonnie. And then it does lead to addiction.
The people who help behind your back are not helping at all. They're only making the process take longer in my opinion. Yeah, I think you're probably right.
Bailey, you got some question marks there, but I don't see your question. Did I miss it?
I think maybe I missed it or something. I don't see it.
Bibi says, is it codependency if you are feeling guilty because they act mad at you when you're trying to figure out what you did [00:29:00] wrong? Like sometimes I express my anger and tell them the things. Is there more? They did when drunk and they will say that they don't want to talk about it or to stop the conversation.
And I feel like because they do that, I must have done something wrong because they barely accept fault. sUre. Maybe you're wanting to show them or tell them something that's humiliating that makes them feel terrible. So yeah, they don't want to talk about that. And if you're forcing that situation and you're trying to force them to see and hear what they've done.
I know you're going to think this is crazy, but that's actually you crossing their boundary. That's not a healthy boundary. A lot of people saying, yeah, tell them what they did or whatever. That's, but that's if you're trying to set a healthy boundary, you remove yourself, you literally don't allow yourself to be in a position to be treated like that.
That is the better, more healthy move rather than stay in the situation and then try to make the person understand how. Bad they were or terrible, whatever it was that [00:30:00] they did. I know that sounds a little counterintuitive, but that is a great example of what can happen with the codependency and the resentment that resentment builds up because you're allowing yourself to be treated crappy.
And somebody's walking all over you and some, you are going to build resentment. Who wouldn't? And that resentment is going to come out some way. It's going to eventually come out bigger than I'm going to tell you what you did. It's going to. It's going to be bigger, I'm guessing.
Annie Lyon says, we just lost our sister to alcoholism. My husband is an alcoholic and I asked him for help from his mom. His mom now sends him a message about narcissistic. What do I do? Okay, let me read that again. So you lost your sister, your husband's an alcoholic, and you asked his mom to help.
I think that's what you're saying. And his mom now sends him messages about being narcissistic. So , that's not helpful. First of all, you're not saying he's narcissistic. You're saying he's alcoholic. So I don't know what the truth is there. But [00:31:00] if your own mom, I don't wait a second. Is she saying that you're narcissistic or is she saying that he's narcissistic?
If she's trying to send him a message saying that you're a narcissist, I didn't think about that till last second, then I want you to go watch my video where I talk about I think the title is something like what does the addictive person in your life tell other people about you? And this is what you're going to hear.
If what's happening is the mom is sending him messages hinting to him telling him that he's narcissistic then I would maybe work more on getting on the same page with the mom, asking if you want her to help with something specifically, ask her to watch these videos, something like that because whatever's happening, she's missing the mark, right?
Not helping mom. In law,
my dog's cafe and bar says I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He's just coming off an eight day bender. I think I should put in a boundary not to see him in person [00:32:00] until he seeks help again or outpatient help. It's a good question. And we get this kind of question, maybe not exactly this question, but pretty much this question all the time.
This is probably going to backfire on you is my first thought, because I don't think you're going to stick. I don't even know you, but I'm probably projecting because I wouldn't stick. That's what, and most people wouldn't. Because you think if I lay down the law and I tell them they got to do this or that or the other.
Then they're just, they're going to know I'm in business and they're going to do it. It rarely works that way. And then you're going to say I'm not going to see you until you seek help. If you're really like sure you can do that and you mean it with all your heart, then okay, do that.
But if you're just trying to ultimatum someone into seeking help, then it's probably going to backfire on you. I would say there's a lot of boundaries that could be set here in this situation. I don't know what happened on the eight day bender. Like sometimes depends on what people use.
They're like literally MIA for eight days. And if I'm dating someone who's going MIA for days at a time, like literally no contact and I'm scared [00:33:00] to death. I think they're like in a car crash or something. I don't know that I can stay in a relationship like that. Because they're MIA for eight days or if they're on a bender for eight days and they're nasty and they're ranting and they're raving and they're saying ugly things or they're obnoxious or whatever.
Deal with the problematic behavior that's the result of the substance. Like the being gone, like the ranting, like the not paying the bills, whatever it is that's happening. They'll be able to hear that. Usually more effectively than they're able to hear like you are an alcoholic, you are an addict, you need to get help.
That word get help is triggering in and of itself. I have some videos on that. Lots of them, how to get someone out of denial, how to get someone to accept help. There's a whole playlist. So definitely check those out because. It's a complex topic. Tiffany says rules versus boundaries. I have a video called exactly that.
And Kim, who is one of our family recovery coaches who works with the people in our membership. She describes it in a even better [00:34:00] way because she says it's like a boundary versus an ask. Like sometimes we feel like everything we ask we have to put a boundary behind it. If we ask someone to take out the trash we feel like we have to say or else.
I'm going to do or not do this. So realizing that everything isn't a boundary. Boundaries really should be pretty few. If you go and you throw out a bunch of them, you're going to make yourself crazy trying to enforce all these boundaries. You're just going to make your own life hard. Yes. Decide, are you asking someone to do something or are you setting a boundary around them doing something?
Let's see here.
Nana says it's harder to set boundaries because my son has mental health issues that muddy the issue. I know something needs to change, but it's so hard to know what, without knowing what those mental health issues are, I probably can't give you the best. Almost anybody that has an addiction to the level that their family is watching my videos has a mental health issue.
So I don't know if you mean they're depressed or anxious or if you mean like they're in a full blown psychotic episode. [00:35:00] Most of the time, unless it's something acute like they're suicidal or they're having like serious paranoid psychosis or something. If they're having any of those cute things, you have to deal with that mental health thing first.
That's urgent emergency. Now, if it's more of a longer term chronic condition, you probably going to have to deal with the addiction first, cause you're never going to be able to deal with that mental health issue until you would deal with the addiction. And probably what's going on here is. over empathy.
It's irrational guilt. And a lot of times people with addictions, they will use their mental health stuff as a way to avoid taking responsibility for the addiction. I don't know if that's what's happening here. I have a whole video on that too, but they'll hide behind that. It's the only thing that helps me with my anxiety.
I can't because the trauma, the this and that, and I don't go for that myself. But if it's something severe, Like imminent danger kind, then that's that's a different story.
Ms. Reidinger says, you just joined. Oh, you just joined our membership. Campbell and Kim do every other week. So this week, Kim [00:36:00] did it on, and it's every Wednesday at 1 30 Eastern and Campbell will do it next week. And so they just swap off. It's every other, unless one of them has to be gone or something, and then they might fill in for each other, but it's Campbell's on next week.
Brittany says, can you talk more about how addicts respond to boundaries? I was shocked dealing with my addict about how they would ignore and continue continually bullying me and try to overcome my boundary. Not the same as normal, non addicted people. Strategies to keep strong boundaries and not become the bad guy.
How to deal with resentments towards addicts who is sober now. But still sees you as the bad guy. I have never. Really take an accountability for the damage they have caused. When you're saying this to me, Brittany, I have the impression that what you're saying is you're saying like, no, I can't give you money or no, you can't borrow my car or something like that.
And they're just doing this thing where they're like pestering you. Maybe they're following you around the house. Maybe they're asking a thousand times, maybe they're yelling at you. Maybe they're being mean to you. [00:37:00] Maybe they're threatening you, trying to bully you into. change in your mind, then you're going to have to set a boundary on the bullying behavior.
So maybe the initial boundary is no, I'm not going to give you money. And the secondary boundary is I'm not going to stay here and be bullied. It's like a kid who wants something, right? There's sort of levels, especially if you're talking about an addicted young person, right? It's I'm going to ask you nicely first time.
And then I'm going to try to bargain it out of you. What if this, what if that, I'm trying to try to negotiate it with you. And then if that doesn't work, then I'm going to say mean, nasty things. I'm going to tell you how it's your fault. You're over controlling and you're crazy and you need to take your meds and whatever.
They're going to say mean things to you. And if that doesn't work, they might up the ante and even go to this next level of threatening that something bad will happen to them. If you don't give me the money, I guess I'll just have to go out on the street and sell myself, something like that. Or I guess I'll just have to go buy it on the street and who knows what happened to me.
They'll start, that's that, I call it [00:38:00] emotional blackmail. So they'll take it from level one, two, three, four, to just push and push to get what they want. The worst thing you can do is let the pushing behavior make you change your boundary. You'd have been better off to do the thing they wanted to begin with than to set the boundary and then let them act a fool, go fit, and then cave.
Because now you've broken two boundaries, right? Whatever the initial one was, plus you've allowed yourself to be bullied into something. Think about If your kid throws a tantrum for something, now you definitely can't give it to him. That's what I tell my kids all now. Now I definitely can't give it to you because you acted that way.
And we can't be rewarding that. So you're Going to have to hold strong. If you show them that the bullying doesn't work, maybe it's block your phone, whatever it is you have to do. People only do what works. So that behavior will extinguish eventually. But you have to be consistent about it.
Hey, Mary, thank you for your kind words. MAry says, thank you so much for sharing your incredible wisdom and knowledge about addiction. You have helped so many in many ways. My husband who's struggling with alcohol is now seeking help. All right, that's fantastic, [00:39:00] Mary. Was there anything that you did that you think was particularly helpful?
Were there boundaries you set? Was there positive reinforcement you did? What did you change? You think that helped? Contribute to that because I bet you did some things.
Linda says my son has been sober for almost 11 months now and he looks very good. He destroyed his teeth doing drugs and I've offered to get him help to get his teeth fixed. Is that a good idea? I think it is. If someone's helping themselves and you're helping, like they're working and you're helping come alongside them because he's 11 months over.
So he's working on something and you're helping them, then that's called helping. And you're going to both walk away with a good feeling of it. If he was trying to help himself and then you're just doing this, that's when you're going to walk away with a bad feeling. So yeah, I would say now would be a good time to do that.
If you can and within what's reasonable for you, don't put yourself in jeopardy to do it, but if you can reasonably do it, then yeah, I think that's fun. I think that's great.
CArs and Crypto says your thoughts on codependency versus separation [00:40:00] anxiety and an alcoholic that is in limerence. Cars and Crypto, you're throwing like 10 things at me. I don't even know how to separate out what you're saying. Let me read it one more time. Codependency versus separation anxiety.
Okay. Codependency is really more about a fear of someone else being uncomfortable. And separation anxiety is more a fear about you being uncomfortable because they're gone.
Victoria says I found myself being anxious when I know my partner is anxious or something. I just think he is. So I ask, it's weird. I wish I could break the codependency. He took, I took care of him in active addiction a lot. So probably what's happening here is you have a. If he's anxious, you're afraid he's going to relapse back.
That's what I'm reading into this. I think that's what you're saying. Because you're saying you took care of him in active addiction, which tells me he's not in active addiction. And so probably when he gets anxious, you get scared that's going to send him back. And One of the things you can do for someone else that's anxious is be calm and reassuring versus being [00:41:00] anxious, especially if it's your concern that they're going to relax back when people come into me and they're like anxious and they're, in recovery.
I say, you got this thing here's what here we got some options and that. Calmness and you can help be helpful for them. But I also realized Victoria that you probably have some trauma if that's what's happening, if you're scared, he's going to relapse. And that can be hard. That can be a hard thing to control.
Bridget says, what advice would you give to both sides? A codependent wife, addicted husband, the relationship started this way. Want to save the marriage. What is your advice for both sides in trying to heal? The codependent person needs to step back and the. Addictive person needs to step forward in most cases to balance out so that you can be in an equal partnership type relationship, because typically what's happening is the codependent person is over functioning, the addictive person is under functioning, and that creates resentment on both sides.
You're resentful because that person's not taking care of their responsibilities and they're resentful because you're trying to control them and treating them like a child. [00:42:00] So to correct that. They have to step forward and you have to step back so that you can be on equal footing and respect each other.
Alicia says codependency. Isn't that an outdated term? Yeah, is. And honestly, the only reason I called it this is because YouTube says that you guys want me to make a video on codependency. Like they. Been telling me that for weeks. I'm like, okay, YouTube, I hear you. You're saying I need to make a codependency video science and it says attachment injury and attachment wounds, which lead to why we stay with others and why we don't make boundaries.
Yeah, I do think that's a big piece of it, but I think there are some other pieces of it too. But I definitely agree that it. A big basis part is that fear of losing the relationship but there's more pieces of it too.
