AI Edits from Accountability Without Shame_ How to Support Recovery with Compassion
===
[00:00:00] Most of the time when you think about the word accountability, you imagine ~consequences and really more like ~punishment actually ~than consequences. ~It's saying, if this happens, then this other bad punishment, consequence, whatever you wanna call it, is going to occur. ~And unfortunately, ~that's probably the least effective way to create accountability systems, especially when you're trying to help someone who's in early recovery.
I do think accountability is probably the number one most helpful thing for people who really are trying to get on track. ~Now, ~if you're really not trying to get on track, that accountability is just gonna be a pain in your side and something that you're always gonna be thinking about how to get around.
But when set up. Correctly and in a helpful kind of way, which I'm gonna tell you how to do that just a second. It can actually be used as a preventative. So today I wanna talk about. Ways accountability can be used, how it happens [00:01:00] naturally and what to do and not do if you're trying to support a loved one who's maybe in early recovery or mid or late recovery who runs into an obstacle or has a lapse or relapse ~or little fall or something like that.~
We'll go through all of those things so we can talk about how to use accountability without. Trying to make someone feel shameful. And those of you who've been watching my videos for a while, you know that the reason you wanna avoid things like punishment and purposefully saying things to people that to make them feel bad, is that.
What ends up happening is you end up hitting their defensiveness button just because as humans, we're all like that. You can think about times when you've done something wrong. You've known you did something wrong, you got called out for it, but you were defensive about it because it's like a reflex, right?
It's like a psychological protective reflex that we have. Helping someone in addiction recovery is a lot of it is about how do you sidestep around and not activate that psychological [00:02:00] defensiveness, because that's probably the number one thing I think that gets in most people's way of being able to see the problem clearly and ~stake, ~take steps to.
Actually overcome an addiction and get themselves in long-term recovery. So it's all about how do I know exactly where those landmines are and not step on. We're gonna give you some good ideas today about exactly how to do that with accountability. Now first I wanna talk about preventive accountability which I think is extraordinarily helpful.
And then I wanna talk to you about a natural accountability kind of way~ that's. ~That's just as helpful, maybe even more helpful. And when you use the both together, you have double points in the right direction. Okay? So preventative accountability. I think this is things like when someone is in early recovery, they've made the choice to try to abstain, get sober, change a habit, whatever it is.
Then [00:03:00] in an alignment kind of way, ~and you need to put this in, right? ~In the early stages is the best time to incorporate this preventative counter recovery is you set up, you ask them if they are open to setting up or if it would help them to set up. An accountability system in most cases, that looks something like, some type of drug screens, alcohol screens technology blockers, depends on what the addiction is. We'll get into all those different things, but the key here to make it preventative is to set it up as an alliance, not. You're not trying to catch someone being bad, that's not really all that helpful to you or to them.
What you wanna do in the best situations is try to prevent someone from relapsing. ~And ~when someone. Makes the decision ~to, ~to agree to some accountability protocol. They're actually making the decision to try to keep themselves from relapsing. When someone agrees to these kind of things, it's a major [00:04:00] sign of willingness, commitment, like they really mean it because you're voluntarily saying, yeah, I'm gonna put these natural or these roadblocks in my way.
I want you to help me put these roadblocks in my way to make sure that I don't fall back in the wrong direction. So let's start with if the addiction is some sort of drug. Okay. Let's start with that and then we'll go through some of the other types of addictions on how to do that now. For a while there was this company called Clearly, and I loved them because they did, at home drug screening, and it was like spit test. But anyway, they went outta business, which makes my heart sad because I was literally a giant fan of them. But you can still create some home drug testing accountability systems. And I actually have a whole guide, like PDFI wrote about this. That gives you all of my tips and tricks on how to do this, including what to get, how to set it up, what to do if.
Someone says the test results are wrong, ~all that, ~it is in the link in the description below. You can get it, it's [00:05:00] free. Totally download it. And because I've been doing drug tests for years and years, I've run into just about every scenario you can think of. And so in there you get all my insider guides on how to handle all those scenarios.
So the first thing of which is in that God is the pretense on what you set it up. It needs to be an alignment kind of thing. You sometimes people use these kind of things to say if you're gonna live in this house, you have to pass the drug test or something like that. And that can be tricky. I'm not a huge fan of doing it that way because some people can pass a drugs test and still be in a relapse. There's a lot of ways to do that. ~I'm sure you guys are aware of that and so you, ~it's one of those things that I call like a home contract, which I'm not a big fan of and I've got videos on that.
If you wanna hear more about why that is, 'cause I know a lot of people will tell you the opposite of that, but I'm not a fan. Areas you wanna say, would it help. Would you be open to? ~So you're not, ~so you're in an alignment with them. You're on the same team and you're trying to help. So when I set up drug [00:06:00] testing with clients, which I've done in lots of ways, in lots of different settings, inpatient.
Intensive outpatient, regular outpatient. It's an alignment kind of thing. ~Not I'm trying to catch you. ~I'm not your probation officer. I'm not here to try to get you in trouble with these kind of things. If you put a lot of punishment things on the end of these accountability measures. They're not gonna be nearly as effective for you because what you're gonna get is a lot more dishonesty and trying to get around it and pitching a fit, not wanting to do it.
So it's not about if you fail a drug screen, this bad thing happens to you. Literally, the drug screening itself is the preventative measure. That's it. You're just putting it in place to help someone. Make the choice or help someone to not make a bad choice, ~I guess is a better way to say it. Like ~for example, if you know you're having a drug screen or two every week, you are gonna think.
Longer before you make an impulsive [00:07:00] decision. If you find yourself in a high risk situation, maybe you have an opportunity or you're around some people that maybe aren't the best influence ~you're gonna have, ~you're gonna have to stop and think about that a lot harder and longer before you just impulsively fall back into your old habits.
That's what I mean by preventative. So you make an agreement with someone if you're gonna use home drug testing, like I said, all this is in the guide. It's in a lot more detail in the guide, but ~you can ~you can buy them at. The drugstore or Walmart, wherever I usually suggest to order 'em offline. I used to always just order 'em off Amazon because you can get like a box of 'em for much cheaper than you can get them in the CVS or something.
~And I think I put the link to those down below too. Just some on Amazon I've used before, but you don't even have to get those specific ones, but it'll just give you an idea about what, they look. They work and ~they look like a little bit like pregnancy test where you have the lines.
The one line means usually you, there's two lines that show up when you do these tests, it's all in there. But if you get two lines that is negative, which is a good result, means the substance is not in their system. If you get one line, it means the substance is in there. System. ~So you wanna see all them little lines show up, you're saying, come on.~
~Lines. Okay. ~So when you set this up with someone you and that person make a [00:08:00] decision that this is what you're gonna do together to help them make a decision to not. Get in a bad situation, and I suggest that you do home drug testing. If you're gonna do it effectively, you need to do it at least once a week, and every now and then you need to throw in a second one.
As good measure and you don't wanna do it always on the same day because, trying to get ahead of addiction, which you guys know is our whole goal on this channel is trying to outsmart addiction. You gotta be thinking five steps ahead and knowing what's coming next. If you're drug testing someone, you always test them on Mondays, I promise you their attic brain is gonna be doing.
What I call drug screen math and thinking about what drugs they can use and what days and how it's gonna get outta their system. And so you wanna make sure you're not. Leaving room for that if you can help it. ~So twice a, ~depending on the drug they use. Some drugs get outta your system a lot faster than others.
You may wanna do twice a week for a long while. But I'm gonna suggest you do [00:09:00] it at least once a week because what you're trying to do is prevent it. If you're doing random drug tests like once a month or something, that's more of a, I'm trying to catch you. Doing something you shouldn't do. Kind of method, right?
~If you're getting a test a month, and let's say today's Tuesday and you went and got your test today, you know you got a bunch of days without a test, you know you're gonna have a while and those sneaky thoughts are gonna get in your brain. And that's what we're trying to prevent. ~We're trying to get ahead of the sneaky.
~Thoughts. Okay. And so ~that's why I say you need to do it at least once a week. You don't wanna leave more room than that because those addictive thoughts they get in there, they start doing drug screen math, like calculate body mass percentage. They get real technical about it. ~And so you wanna try to prevent that.~
So once a week you wanna get the person's agreement, and I'm gonna suggest not to put a specific. ~I know you're gonna wanna call it ~consequence. I'm gonna call it punishment because if you're the one doling it out, you're the one that is enforcing the consequence. That's probably punishment. I'm gonna suggest that you don't put that, because like I said, it's just gonna promote a lot more lying.
The goal here is nothing more than to prevent it, and secondly, to bring things to the surface. So if there is a [00:10:00] problem. The fact that it is known and it's on the surface. Just that fact alone, the fact that they failed a drug screen and they know it and you know it, that right there is the most. Powerful deterrent that you can come up with ~the punishment.~
You may wanna say, you're gonna go to jail, I'm gonna tell your probation officer, I'm gonna kick you out whatever punishment you wanna put on it. And that is really just gonna promote lying and sneaking. And that's why I'm just, I'm encouraging you not to do that. There may be some circumstances where you kinda, you're in a situation where you may have to do something like that, but unless you're in one of those situations, ~I don't.~
I don't encourage it 'cause it's not gonna make you alignment. So when I test a client and they're positive, what is the consequence? The consequences. We talk about it, I say, what's going on, man? What's happening? And I get them to talk to me about it. And then we figure out what the trigger was.
We go back we process everything that happened and figure out maybe what went wrong, what we can do different, because I'm in alignment with them now, of course. It [00:11:00] is uncomfortable to be positive. No one wants to, be outed. No one wants to have someone else know that they've, made a mistake or whatever.
And so there is a level of embarrassment there, but I don't do anything to try to make the embarrassment worse. In fact, I do a lot to try to make it more comfortable, but naturally you're gonna have some embarrassment. That embarrassment right there. It just, the deterrent. If you don't really have to put anything else on the top, and I promise you, if you put too many things on the top, you're gonna undo the effectiveness of what you're trying to do here.
Okay? So that is drug testing. You can get like a single panel drug test. I do not suggest that I suggest you get at least a five panel drug test. And what that means is it's a drug test that tests for at least five things. The main core. Substance of abuse would be marijuana, which is listed as THC on the test benzodiazepines methamphetamines, cocaine.
What am I missing here? I'm [00:12:00] missing one. It's gonna come to me in a second. But it's in the guide, so get at least those. But you can get like a 10 panel, a 12 panel, a 15 panel. ~I don't know that you need to go all that far in, but if you know that your loved one. ~Oh, opiates. There we go. I know that's a big one.
~I don't know how, forgot that. ~If you know that your loved one, tends to have trouble with a specific thing. Then make sure whatever test you have, at least look for that specific thing. And with opioids, there's different kinds of opioids. Like for example, if someone is on a medication, maintenance plan or something like that, you may want to test them. You may wanna make sure that drug is in their system and you have to, usually that's methadone or buprenorphine and you want to get a test specifically for that. 'cause it won't necessarily show up as opiates. So there's tips and tricks.
Like I said, there's a lot to it. It's all in the guide. I even go into the guide about ~how, ~what to do if someone fails and they swear, they didn't really do it, and how to handle that without an argument and without being accusatory or anything. It's about keeping the alignment as far and as long as you can.
That is much more effective. Now ~if you, ~if the substance is not drugs per [00:13:00] se, but it is alcohol, y'all know what I'm gonna ~say? Go ahead and put it in the chat. If you don't want me ~say, I'm gonna say Soberlink. Y'all know I'm a huge sober Link fan. Where is my sober link? Oh, let me grab it and show it to you.
~Got it. ~This is an alcohol monitoring system for those of you who don't know what it is, and I am partnered with Soberlink because I am a huge fan. It looks like this, but it's not just a breathalyzer. You can get a breathalyzer on Amazon too. You can get a breathalyzer at the store. But this is a system.
It's not, yes, you get the breathalyzer, but it's not the breathalyzer, it's the system that makes it so effective. ~So what you do in that situation is you. Again, in alignment with you and the person you set up, a system where they get tested so many times a day. ~Research shows three times a day is like the most effective number.
And that's what usually what I start with. So we do three times a day for a long time, and if things are going good, then we back it down to two times a day. And if that goes really well for a while, then I usually back it down to one time a day. And then they come off of it completely. ~It's not a forever thing, right?~
~It's not about forever. ~I suggest people do it at least three months. A lot of people end up doing it longer and they choose that on their own because actually they realize ~it, ~it does help them to stay sober. [00:14:00] And not only that, but it helps them to earn trust back faster with their family so they don't always feel like they're under the microscope or that you're constantly spying on them or smelling their breath or digging through the trash, trying to find the bottles or whatever.
And so it actually makes their life easier in those ways. ~And ~when I talk to clients about it, I say, listen, this is gonna make me sober easier because it's gonna get your family off your butt. They're gonna stop trying to spy you down. 'cause they're gonna know I'm handling it. ~'cause that's the other piece of it is not only do ~you get tested so many times a day, but you can enter an accountability partner in there.
My clients that see me, it's usually me. ~And so ~the messages go to me, but it can be whoever you want. It can be your family member. ~That's not always the best choice, but it's okay. ~That can work, but it could be your sponsor, it could be your sister, it could be whoever. ~That is helpful. Now, I say choose a person who's gonna be.~
Supportive. And they're not just gonna ignore it if you get positive tests, but they're not gonna freak out. You don't wanna, again, if you get someone that's gonna freak out as an accountability partner, then you're just promoting dishonesty. So it needs to be someone that can handle whatever those results are.
The way it works is you decide on those times a day, you and the person [00:15:00] you're, ~I don't suggest you can set it up. There's some things you can do to make it like random, but. Like I said, I'm not trying to catch someone, I'm trying to prevent it. So we say, ~I say I wanna do it just before you go to bed, pretty close to when you wake up and somewhere in the middle.
Whatever works for their schedule. You're not trying to make things harder on them than it has to be. You're trying to make it. Work. Okay so don't make someone test 40 times a day. The good thing about it is it's portable. It goes anywhere. It can fly with you, whatever country you're in. It goes wherever and you get a text message that just reminds you about your test, and then you get an hour, really, an hour and 15 minutes before it's considered late.
So it's completely doable with work, school, all those things. If you're in a meeting, you can totally wait to get outta the meeting and step into the bathroom. It takes five seconds to take this test. Done. And if you're positive or you miss it or you're late or whatever, your accountability person gets a text message and or email, however you set it up.
Now, ~if you are using soberlink whether you're the, ~if you're the person that's the accountability person and someone you know is using Soberlink, what do you ~do? If they show positive, we, I'll tell you what I ~do. [00:16:00] I usually text them and I say, Hey, what's up? I saw you missed your test, or you're late on your test, everything okay?
Or, Hey, I saw you got a positive. What's going on? That's it. That right there is enough. It creates just the right amount of uncomfortableness and like I said before when people mess up on their sober links, I feel bad because. I don't want them to feel more bad when I text them. Now I do it anyway.
~'cause then I'm always thinking that the person's gonna be thinking she's not even watching this, which I totally am. ~So I just message 'em and I see what's up and sometimes it's oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I'm just in a meeting. I was running late, or I forgot my device at home. I'm taking in 10 minutes or whatever.
I'm like, okay, cool. No problem. I'm not freaking out about it. If it's positive, we're just gonna talk through it. There are other systems out there other than Soberlink. And they're good systems. But the reason so favorite is because it is the most tamperproof of all the systems out there inside of the device.
It has built in facial recognition technology, so you can't really cheat it. It [00:17:00] just like your phone, has facial recognition. The device has facial recognition, and so even if you're wearing a hat or sunglasses or something like that, it's gonna pick up on that. And then. It will alert the accountability person, ~Hey, something's wrong.~
We couldn't verify the person's face. There's actually a human being, a real human being that works behind the scenes to verify if it gets triggered, the facial recognition, they'll verify that it's the person ~by looking at their main. Original picture. ~And if they can't, then the accountability person then, which was usually me, I can go in there and say, yeah, that's them.
~They're just like wearing the sunglasses, whatever. ~So it is the most tamperproof. Some of the other ones there are, I won't say what they are because I don't wanna make sneaky thoughts, get in and other people's brains, ~but they're feel little ways. To get around it. ~Soberlink is the most lockdown way of it, and that's important because what you're trying to do is get ahead of the sneaky thoughts.
And so you don't wanna leave a lot of room for shadiness because then the sneaky thoughts come in. Okay? So if it's alcohol, I totally recommend Soberlink. I've got a link in the description. ~If you use my link, you get. ~First of all, if you use my link, I've got a whole video showing you everything [00:18:00] about how it works, all the behind the scenes, everything.
~So go into a detail about it. But you can also, there's a place on there and you get like a $50 discount too. So be sure and get that if you end up using it. I love soberlink. ~Now, if your addiction is something like looking at things online that you try not to look at. Whether that's inappropriate adult images or I can't say the word.
I'm not shy to say the word, I just can't say the word 'cause YouTube, they're super strict. Or if it's like gambling or something like that, then the best way to go about it is to utilize the. Blocking technologies that are out there. Again, as with everything else, I'm telling you, this is not behind someone's back.
~This is not secret spying on what someone is doing that isn't helpful for recovery. ~What's helpful for recovery is preventing it, not catching it, because once the gate is open, it is really hard to get back close, so you're trying to not let the gate open. To begin with. So I don't want you to install anything on anybody's devices that they don't know about, is what I'm telling you.
This is a thing that you decide together, this is what we're going to do. Most of the time with my clients, we talk about it, they make the decision to do it, they install it on their stuff, [00:19:00] because. It is not punishment. It is a team effort. I cannot stress that enough. That's what makes it work.
Otherwise, you're just gonna get into a cat and mouse game and you're gonna get exhausted. And I promise you, addiction is gonna outsmart everybody else because that's what it does. So don't even try to, don't even try to get into the power struggle like that. All right, so those are ~the ~preventative very effective.
Accountability measures that really help people stay sober, especially in early recovery. I suggest if you are in early recovery, that you set some of these systems up for yourself. ~If you have a loved one who's in early recovery, there is some better times to set these things up. ~If someone's in treatment and they're coming outta treatment, you wanna have this in place like.
Roll in when they leave treatment. Not a month later, not three days later. Because right when people get outta treatment, that's a very tricky high risk time. So you wanna go ahead and, talk with the person, get the agreement, put the, put all the stuff in [00:20:00] place before they leave. Treatment is the best case scenario.
If the person is not in treatment, then you. Want to set this up early on when someone is having that change talk, when someone is taking those first steps, if you wait and the person has been sober for a week, 10 days or longer, they're not gonna see the point in it. Okay? So you, the timing is important, and like I said, the approach is important.
So it's about. Are you willing to do this? Would it help you? And you can say, if your loved one, it would help me. And I know that would help you because then I don't have to be a crazy woman on your back all the time. And then they'll probably secret smile and be like that's true. So just say that.
Say it with the little humor in your voice and see if you can get an alignment on it early on in the days. Now I told you that I was also gonna tell you about natural accountability. ~This is the best. ~This is actually really good to use [00:21:00] early on, maybe before someone has decided to completely be sober.
~And this isn't trying to put, this is not putting any of this technology or any of these things in place. ~The best, most natural way of accountability is to allow someone to experience the emotions that come along with their decisions. What does that mean? ~That means. ~If they make promises and they don't keep their promises, whether it's, I promise I'm not gonna drink anymore, I promise I'm not gonna do this drug anymore, I promise I'm not gonna do it on these days, only on these days, whatever.
Or if it, the promises I promise I'm gonna show up to this event, or I promise, you can count on me for this other responsibility, whatever it is, and they fall through on that. What I want you to do, the best accountability ever is to just. Let the feeling sit. ~Now, I do think it is helpful when they know that, because that'll turn the volume up on the feeling, but I don't want you to do much more than that.~
I don't want you to yell. I don't want you to scream. I don't want you to threaten, I don't want you to punish nothing like that because when you do that. You hit the defensiveness button and when you hit the defensiveness button, you block the [00:22:00] person's natural guilt and remorse and desire to do different.
It's a very gentle process as far as it goes from the other person. In fact, if you can manage it, be empathetic with them. ~Yeah. ~I know that really was a hard situation and you know what? You've been doing really good for this long. I'm really proud of you and you don't have to let this set you back this, we can get right back on track.
Be empathetic with them. That's even better, but allow, if they promise to show up and they don't show up, I want you. To it's O Obviously you're gonna have an emotion about that because you're gonna be disappointed or hurt or maybe even angry, and it's okay to show some of that, but I don't want you to turn the volume up and be dramatic about it because like I said, when you get them angry and defensive, they bypass those emotion, those natural emotions.
~And those emotions are the ones that are gonna make them change. ~People change when they're tired of disappointing everybody else [00:23:00] and themself. If you're just angry at them or you're just trying to catch them all the time, they just get so caught up in this power struggle with you, of being mad at you, of trying to outwit all of your maneuvers.
You got Tom and Jerry happening here, that it's just not helpful. So allowing the natural feelings. And when possible, and I know it's not always possible because sometimes you're so hurt and you're so upset. I get it. So if you can, if best you can do is just be neutral and not throw a fit about it, that's cool.
You're good if you have it in you. And it's the kind of situation where it's appropriate to be empathetic even better. 'cause you're gonna allow that person's natural feelings to surface. ~It's ~it's funny. It's like you want them to feel their own. Guilt, remorse, disappointment. But it has to be it's weird.
It has to be at ~a, like ~a level that's high enough to get their attention, but ~not ~the volume can't be so loud that it's intolerable because they'll ~either ~[00:24:00] distract themselves from it ~and ~sometimes that means they'll just keep using to numb that feeling away. ~So ~it's like those subtle little seeds that you let, and they'll naturally happen.
All you gotta do is stay outta the way of them. ~Is let those things take place. ~The person will naturally start moving into those stages of ~the ~change. They'll start either bargaining and trying to cut back. They'll start different things to try to make the problem better. ~And ~eventually after they try those things, they'll decide that it just doesn't work for them and that they wanna do something different.
That's the key. Accountability comes from the person. It doesn't have to come from someone else. I have seen in certain circumstances where people will say maybe to their sponsor or something like, Hey, if you hear me say this or that, or, I, you saw me over on this street over there where I don't need to be, call me out.
And that is still coming from the person because they're asking you to bring it up. If someone ask you to bring it up, that's cool. You can do that. Because it's coming from them. ~It's just. You don't wanna get into the power struggle. You don't wanna get into catching someone mess up, and you don't wanna get into this idea of throwing a fit about it.~
Now, sometimes there may be boundaries in [00:25:00] place that you put, or maybe you didn't even put, maybe the court put ~maybe what maybe there boundaries have to be in place. ~If you are drinking or you're relapsed, you can't. Have the kids alone ~in your, ~with you for visitation or whatever. That's important, right?
And so sometimes there has to be a consequence, ~like I said. And I. ~It is okay to let that consequence happen and even be empathetic about the consequence. The key is to not get over animated about it because it naturally hits someone's fight or flight buttons when you do that, ~and like I said.~
Then you're roadblocking every single thing that could possibly get this person to learn a lesson, to decide to do different and all of those kind of things. It is counter your instinct. It's not the way you're gonna wanna do it, it's not the way you're gonna feel inside. But I promise you, I've been doing this more than 20 years.
It works better. In fact, early in my one, one of the first jobs I had in my. Career as an addictions person is, I ran intensive outpatient for teenagers and literally that's the [00:26:00] hardest job I've had in this field ever. ~I got a million stories about that for you, but ~one of the very first things I figured out about how to make this work, which I gotta tell you, was a real struggle.
I didn't know what I was doing, is I figured out I needed to connect to these young people and get them to like me. And you know what? The best way to get someone to like you is. To like them and you like them first, they start liking you back and then there's like a relationship there. There's a connection there, and they naturally get to the point where they don't want to disappoint you.
And so all I literally had to do was build a relationship with them for the most part. And that makes them wanna pass their drug test, wanna feel proud, wanna show me that they're doing great and that it, when you just allow those natural things to come into play, it works ~more effectively. Like it's.~
It's, in some ways it's less difficult than you think it needs to be. It's more natural. The more natural process works best. It's the thing that creates that, when people say they have to wanna change, it's the thing that creates the I wanna change thing. That's what's gonna [00:27:00] come into place to get someone to want to change.
All right. ~We are about to take some questions and comments from those of you who are here live. ~Thank you so much for showing up. ~It's so nice not to know that you're there. I feel like we're in a conversation together and I'm not just talking to the camera, which is helpful. ~We're gonna take some questions and comments.
If you put question marks or a capital Q or something in front of yours that lets Bri know that. That it is a question that you'd like to get answered. ~And in the meantime, there are links and descriptions, sober links down there. My insider's guide on how to pull off drug screens down there. There's a link to some Amazon drug tests, so you can see what I'm talking about.~
~Whatever all that's in there. Recovery, coaching, family coaching, whatever, all that's there. ~Let's take some questions. Crystal says My addictive loved one fell behind in his vehicle payment, rent, et cetera. He was five months behind on vehicle payment. He worked hard and caught up. I encouraged his wins and told him I was super proud of him.
However, other things piled up. For example, his tags expired and he found out online that his license was suspended and he cannot renew because he failed to keep his in auto insurance. He. Says he is gonna have to wait until he gets the money. Also, last night, one of his truck tires has a bubble in it and needs to be replaced.
He is driving to work 45 minutes each way [00:28:00] until it gets fixed. He owes me money and says he is gonna pay me when he can. How can I support him without enabling him? This is tough because I can, I don't know for sure, but I get the impression, crystal, that you're wanting to step in and help him financially.
And I'm not a hundred percent completely opposed to that because it does sound like he is working hard to try to help himself. And so my rule about enabling is if they take a step, you can take a step. They take 10 steps, you could take 10 steps. So if you want to step in and help with the tire or something, you can, the problem is he is in such a big hole ~like.~
~It is gonna, ~it is gonna take more than just, helping with the tire or the one thing. ~And there's a lot of things here. ~The auto insurance, ~the ~getting the license back, ~the ~fixing the vehicle, there's a lot of things here. So if you wanna help some financially, as long as he is helping himself then I'm okay with that.
And I would call that helping. When you're doing everything or when you're doing way more than they're doing, that is called enabling. So that's how you know the difference. [00:29:00] But you don't have to help financially. As a counselor, when someone's in a situation, I can't give them money. I'm not gonna give them money, and I can't, 'cause that would be.
Inappropriate and weird on the boundaries, right? ~And ~but what I can do is be empathetic and understand and normalize the situation and do what you've been doing all along Crystal. That is the best way to handle it. And the most important part here is the empathy. If you end up deciding you wanna give him money, you're gonna be resentful about it or you know you're gonna be freaked out of it 'cause he already owes you money.
Then don't do it because that's gonna ruin the relationship. And the relationship is the most powerful, helpful thing that you've got going for you. So keep that in place. Don't put yourself in financial jeopardy. Do not miss one of your parents or your bills to fix his bills, because that is gonna put you in an emotionally bad place and it's not good.
You're gonna end up with resentment and that would be enabling. ~So hopefully that's helpful for you.~
~My am organized with Kelly, says ~my husband has to go to rehab. Work is requiring it. He's on cocaine. The paranoia [00:30:00] is terrifying. He plans to go wait for bed and then he gets into a paranoid state and doesn't go at a loss here. What's happening is he needs to go to rehab, but whatever specific rehab he is trying to get into, there's a wait list for, and I don't know where you live, Kelly.
~I don't know what the situation is, but ~if there's other options that he could get in right away, that is very important because when someone has to, when someone has agreed to go to addiction treatment for whatever reason that you, they need to make moves, right? Then, like today, I say, don't pass, go.
Don't collect $200. Don't. ~Stop and say bye to friends for sure. Don't stop and say bye to friends. ~Just go. And so when you have to wait, these kind of things happen because they're gonna use during that time because it's gonna be I'm going to rehab and it's gonna be a whole lot of one last times.
And that's keeping him in the cycle. So if there's an option to get him in somewhere else sooner, take it. ~If the. ~If the treatment center is maybe out of town and they're gonna have a bed in two [00:31:00] days and it's feasible for you or it doesn't have to be you, Kelly. It could be a friend or family member that's supportive and helpful, put 'em in the car, go stay at a hotel, close to the treatment center for two nights while you wait, get 'em out of their current circles so that they either don't have access or there's less chances of.
Whatever happening. So get him there as fast as possible. I don't know your situation, so that may not be, it could be he's required to go to a certain place. It could be, there's only one option where you live, but if you can get him in somewhere faster, when he is, when he, next time he gets agreeable, have that bag packed and put him in a car and get him there.
Sherry says, would it be helpful if an alcoholic has been sober for seven months and they haven't been doing soberlink due to financially? Due to difficulty moving outta state to previous employer? Really nervous about him staying sober [00:32:00] while away where he had previous struggles. ~I put that Bri, will you put that first part back up there?~
Okay. Would it be helpful for an alcoholic who's been sober seven months and hasn't been the soberlink due to financial D? Okay. So what you're saying, Sherry, is they've already been sober for seven months. Would it be appropriate to recommend Soberlink if the situation has changed as in there.
The time they've been sober for seven months, they lived in this one place and now they're going to this other place. I do think that's appropriate because it's a new beginning of getting through a new situation. So sometimes people will be doing well and when they're in with me, but maybe they've taken some time off work and ~it's two months in ~they've decided to go back to work.
And especially if they have to travel for work, I might recommend putting Soberlink in at that point as a help. Not as a punishment, not as I'm trying to catch you. The way you set this up is so important, so yeah I think that would be appropriate. If he's already been seven months in that environment and he is been sober, ~he, ~it is just [00:33:00] not gonna make sense to him.
Would it be help? Sure. It probably would help, but ~I, ~it would be hard to sell someone on the idea of doing it because they're like, I got this, I'm fine. Whatcha talking about but the shift in situation might be an opening to do that.
Suzanne Smith says, my son, who is 30, just started a 28 day program after a non-fatal cocaine fentanyl poisoning last week. This scared him so much that he finally decided to go to treatment. He also has bipolar and OCD and anxiety. He wants to come back home after this program. Any other suggestions for being a team to support him?
Staying accountable. He wants to continue with cannabis, but give up the cocaine and alcohol. ~All right, so we got good news here and we got difficulties here. ~The good news here is this overdose has really gotten his attention. Being willing to go to a 28 day program that's. To me, that's a sign that someone is serious about it.
They're not just going in for three days as a way to get someone off their back or something like that. That's a commitment. So I see that as very helpful and [00:34:00] encouraging. Now to your questions about supporting him and staying accountable. You didn't quite ask this, but you implied it Suzanne, when you said he wants to come back home after the program.
So I don't know if you're asking me if that should happen. But I'm gonna tell you what I think about that. Don't do that. If you have any other options, Suzanne, don't bring him into your home. Because it just, it's gonna put you in the. It is gonna put you in a hypervigilant state of watching him.
You're not gonna be able to help it. Of course you are. And that's gonna be uneasy for him. It's easy to get set up in the cat and mouse game. The best case scenario for someone coming out of 28 day treatment who's 30 years old, is to go sober living. So that is what I would tell you first and foremost, is to try to set that up.
~If he just started 28 day, you may wanna look into this behind the scenes, but I, if he's on day. Three or four. Don't bring this up right now. You're just gonna make 'em freak out. ~Wait till we get a little more settled into it. Talk with the counselors, get some suggestions, and then figure out when's the best time to approach the subject.
[00:35:00] That is your best case scenario. Other than that, if he's coming out I personally would rather you help him get into a living situation that's not in your home, if at all possible. It only brings chaos into your home. It ~only ~puts you back in the bad guy roll. Usually. It makes things really awkward.
~It just, there's a million reasons. ~But we just don't recommend it. Sometimes it's, that's the only option, and if that's the only option, I understand. But if you can help it, don't do it.
What's next, Brie? All right. Colette Middleton says We are selling our home and I have said that my husband is not moving with me and my two boys. If he is still drinking. Have I said the right thing? He does keep trying, but not really putting everything into it like I think he should be. ~It. ~This is hard because what does still drinking mean ~means? ~Okay, today's my day one sober. It's moving day, the moving truck's here, and I'm sober today and so I'm moving with you. Is it like sober for a certain period of time? [00:36:00] All that kind of thing. But Colette, this would be a good situation for a sober link.
~'Cause. ~If you're, if you feel like he is trying and he is making efforts, asking him to do a soberlink might give him a way to prove himself and also make you feel comfortable that you're not just totally caving in on your boundary or going against what you said. If someone agrees to Soberlink in and of itself, it's a huge step and it shows a massive amount of willingness and seriousness.
And if Soberlink for some reason, isn't in the cards for you, something similar. So if you're gonna let 'em move with you, this is a perfect opportunity to ask if the person is willing to agree to some kind of accountability system. And with, if it's alcohol, that's the thing. Soberlink is the best version.
Carolyn Marks recovery done and now and sober. We're living on a scholarship. He said they teach each Wednesday. Can he drink on Thursday and [00:37:00] pass the following week? Okay, so first of all, I don't even know if they test for alcohol because it's not in a standard drug panel test. You can get alcohol tests, so they could be doing like alcohol tests as well.
That's highly possible. The question is, if he drank on Thursday, could he pass on the following week? Yes. Alcohol is only gonna stay in your system for a couple of days as far as in your urine, and so that will be completely out by Wednesday, however. In sober living. There's other controls like I, I don't know, depends on the sober living, how much other things are in place, but there's a lot of other layers of accountability in place too.
Like a lot of sober living. You don't go anywhere by yourself for the first while or. There, there's other things to monitor. So I don't necessarily know that only testing once a week is gonna fail for this because sober living has probably 10 nets in place to catch these kind of things more than just the test.
~But yes, he could, and most drugs get outta your system long before seven days. And that, so that would hold true for most substances.~
Underneath it all says [00:38:00] question, how do I show up for a teenager who moved out and is in addiction that is verbally disrespectful and doesn't know how to communicate in a healthy way? I cut contact and offered counseling as, as much as I. Am supportive of people that have addictions, people who are in active addiction.
People are trying to get out of an addiction. I never suggested you put yourself in a situation where you're being abused. I wouldn't professionally or personally. So your needs matter too. And so the first thing, if you're gonna continue communication with him, which I don't know that you need to, is you need to train.
~How to communicate with you, because ~if he's being verbally abusive and disrespectful and nasty, then I would just disengage the conversation. ~So ~the boundary is not, you can't talk to me that way because you can't enforce that. What you can enforce is if the situation starts to get heated, I'm gonna get off the conversation, or I'm gonna leave the room or the situation or whatever.[00:39:00]
And if that doesn't work, the whole cutting it off completely. Is okay too. It never allow yourself to be abused. You are not doing them any favor or yourself. So yes, you can be helpful, but your safety and your, and that includes your psychological wellbeing. Needs to come into play first and foremost.
All right guys, we are out of time for today. You have asked really great questions. You guys ask better and better questions every week. If you're watching the Playback, we are so glad you're here as well. ~All the links to all the descriptions that we talked, ~all the links to all the resources are in the descriptions, the ones that we talked about today, and I look forward to seeing you guys next Thursday at One Eastern.
Bye everybody.
