Why Your Past Self is Sabotaging Your Recovery (And How to Stop It)
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[00:00:00] Ever feel like you're doing everything right in recovery. You're following all the recommendations and rules, but you just keep following back, falling back into your old patterns, maybe relapsing, maybe re lapsing. Maybe you make it a while. You can make it a few weeks or a few months even, but you just keep.
Ending up back in the same place where you started and you can't figure out why. Sometimes that's not about cravings. It's not even so much about stress. Most of the time when we think about relapse, we think it's probably due to stress. It's our first go-to of trying to figure out what was stressing?
What was stressing you? Or what was going on in your life? A lot of times it's something a little bit. Deeper than that, and that something is based on your identity, call it the identity trap. What happens that triggers relapse most often really isn't stress. It really [00:01:00] isn't cravings like people think it's gonna be.
It's almost like people. When you're in early recovery, you are guarded against stress. Stress can cause you to relapse, so you kind you're on the lookout for that. You have your guard up and same thing with cravings. But what you may not be on the lookout for is all of those automatic habits and routines that you're used to, that if you're not careful, you'll just get on autopilot and fall back into old behaviors.
Almost like in an unconscious fashion or subconscious fashion, and that is probably the number one trigger for people. I hear it all the time in sessions. It's the thing that we talk about most as far as how do I get through certain periods. It really isn't so much, how do I get through stress as much as it is?
How do I get through this work conference that's coming up that I go to every year and my drinking buddies are there and everybody knows me a certain way? This is the identity trap. You're known a certain way [00:02:00] and you have even developed your own sort of image of yourself that ties to addiction. You see yourself as the life of the party.
Other people see you as the life of the party, or someone that always has a drink on in their hand or something like that. And we get caught in these traps and this is the most likely thing that's gonna pull you back more than those things that you're probably thinking of as the danger zones. Recovery really is about so much more than just giving up a substance or a behavior.
It's about changing who you are. And I don't like to throw that on people right out the gate because the whole idea of giving up the substance or the behavior feels big enough. And when you throw in there, oh, you have to change everything, that's scary. So I don't wanna scare you away, but I do wanna be honest with you about what it takes.
To actually get long-term recovery because it's a lot more than just giving up the [00:03:00] substance or the behavior. And the reason that is, is because over the length of time, probably years that you. Have put into building an addiction. There's just a lot more things that go along with it. People, places things, like the people we hang out with, that we do it with, the places we do it, the clothes we wear, the mindset we're in.
All of those things have become automatic too. The rationalizations, the minimizations, the denial, the justifying, all of that has been going on so long to support the addiction that just removing the addictive thing, whatever that thing is, doesn't necessarily mean all those other things are removed, and you've gotta become aware of what those other things are to be able to avoid stepping on those landmines or avoiding those triggers, maybe is a better way to say it.
So let's talk today a little bit about [00:04:00] what some of those traps are so that you can learn to identify 'em, so you can learn to sidestep them. First and foremost, the most common thing that, and the thing that you need to look out for. Right now is your patterns and routines. Most people that I work with in our, like in our recovery coaching program, their biggest thing is usually it's around either a certain time of day or a certain.
Event or a certain place. So let's dig into those a little bit. The time of day is probably the most common one. A lot of people have their use on like a clock. It's on a schedule, right? Maybe it's on a four hour schedule. If you're addicted to something like opiates and you gotta get 'em every four hours or three hours or whatever it is, if it's drinking, it's probably a certain time of day.
For a lot of people, it's. [00:05:00] The later afternoon time, like the right when you get outta work time it's like their time where they've, in their mind, they've put in all their work, they look forward to this time, it's their chill time, their me time, their relax time, whatever they wanna call it.
And that can be with more than just alcohol. I've heard of this. Late afternoon is also a trigger for people who use opiates, but it doesn't have to be late afternoon. For some people it can be. Morning based on the drug you're using, or even if it is alcohol or if it's marijuana, because it's all about what your routines were.
I dealt with someone for a while who. Who had a drinking problem, whose wife was on his case about having a drinking problem. And so he never drank in the afternoons because that's when he would be home with her. And he knew, she would know. He drank in the mornings. He had his own business. So he had a lot of flexibility and he would talk about how he would get up, he would go to.
The store [00:06:00] where he bought is alcohol and be in the parking lot for when it opened, go in, buy what he was gonna buy, sit in his truck and drink it all down right then. So his time was early morning time and not necessarily afternoon time. Other people, your schedule is different, right? And so you have to take into account what is my pattern?
Is it, or is it certain days a week? How is your clock? Your biological clock fixed to your addictive habits. That is the first thing that you need to tackle as far as shifting things up. In order to get sober time, and especially to get long-term sobriety, you gotta start shifting up those patterns. But there's even more to it than that when you look at certain places.
Summer particularly, I find is very difficult for people who have alcohol problems because there's so many summer activities that are [00:07:00] tied to alcohol use, like mowing your yard, working in your yard of any kind going to the lake, going to the beach, vacation, going on cruises. There's just a lot of summertime activities that are specifically tied to drinking or using, or partying.
Maybe partying is a better word. And so there's. Sort of special landmines that you have to be careful for based on certain times of year. And also in that category you can think about like holiday times or family event circumstances or situations that are very much tied to your addiction. Some people who travel a lot for work, their addiction is tied to being away, being outta town, especially if they're sneaking their addictive behavior.
And I can think of a lot of different types of addictions that can go in this category because. There's a huge trigger here. If you travel, I call it the coast is clear, tra trigger, [00:08:00] you're away. No one's watching you. You've got no one looking over your shoulder. Usually you're staying in a hotel or somewhere.
You're probably, if you are interacting with other people, it. It might be a situation where you have to eat dinner with other people or entertain other people, which could involve your addictive behavior. But if nothing else, it's the secrecy. It's the coast is clear part of it. So you gotta think through what are my times, what are my places, what are my people?
Who are the people in your life that are the most. Triggering for you. And by triggering I don't mean it's like their fault. I don't even mean that they're a bad influence. I just mean that in your mind you have this person connected. Using, maybe they don't even use, maybe you just can't tolerate this person.
So you always get wasted when you're with 'em. So in your mind these two things are tied up together. Most of the time it's like a using buddy, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. If you [00:09:00] use. Or engage in your addictive behavior to deal with social anxiety. It can be being in any kind of social situation, but a lot of times it's a few specific people.
It's interesting because I have a lot of clients who maybe they have I. Drinking buddies or using buddies, but those people don't use a addictively. They use a little bit here and there. Maybe you're used to using with 'em, but it's not this is what we do together. It's the only thing we do together.
And sometimes even those people even know that you're in recovery and support you and you know they can drink or not drink. And those people, it's, you can be around them and they're not as much of a trigger, but those ones that you have highly associated with it. If you have someone you always.
Go to get whatever it is that you're using. Definitely that person will be in that category. Maybe it's your best friend, but they're also your hookup. All of these things have to be taken into account, and the scary part here for most people is [00:10:00] about, do I have to give up all of those things? Am I gonna have to give up going to the beach forever?
Am I gonna have to give up my best friend? Am I gonna have to let go? I'm never gonna be able to go to a work conference again. In my experience, most of the time it's not necessarily to give up those things unless it is a super strong using friend. And I hate to say it, even if it's your bestie, if you have years and years of built up, I get from this person, or I always use it with this person or whatever.
We have all these years of doing this together, you may have to distance yourself from them, and that doesn't mean that. You don't care about them, you don't love them, that they're not your friend. You don't have to do it in a mean way, but you probably are gonna have to back up from that. The other ones, like the places and the other people you can plan for, usually you just need to go in with a plan on how you're gonna avoid getting in that routine.
If it involves people, [00:11:00] then it's probably gonna involve you having to. Explain or say that you're not doing that anymore. And if you're ready to say why you're not doing that anymore, that's great. I encourage you to do that. But sometimes maybe, especially if it's like a work situation, you may not be ready to say all of the backstory about why you're giving that up.
You can give excuse or a reason, but I would definitely preemptively, or at least very quickly in an interaction with someone, make it clear that you're not. Doing whatever that thing was anymore, because otherwise you're gonna feel the pressure from them, the peer pressure from them. Even they may not realize that they're doing that 'cause they're just used to a certain situation with you.
You're gonna feel the pressure and then you're gonna feel awkward or embarrassed. And that's all just layered on top of the fact that you're just automatically gonna wanna do it because you're in that situation. Like when you go to movies and you automatically want to eat popcorn, even if you're not hungry, you, you wanna eat popcorn 'cause you're to the movies.
[00:12:00] 'cause you have the two things associated and probably because they pump the smell in there really strong that's a thing too. So you can plan for these routines, these people, these places in these situations. But you. If you go into these kinds of situations, and I'm just gonna wing it, fashion of a, I'm not planning to fall back into my addictive behavior, but I'll figure it out when I get there.
That's not gonna work. And that if that's what you've been doing, that's probably why you've been falling back when you haven't meant to fall back. Recovery requires a level of self-honesty, far beyond the amount of self-honesty most people have to use because. When you've developed an addiction, you've gotten in such a habit of justifying of behaviors and rituals of denial, that if you do not bring all of these things to the surface, you'll just autopilot fall back [00:13:00] into those patterns and routines even when you really mean it, even when you're really trying to stay sober.
There's a, in the AA big book, they have stories in there. One of the stories in the big book is about a guy it's been a while since I read it, but it's like he was, I think he's at work or something. He goes in and he is having lunch and he finds himself ordering a drink. I. Without even realizing it because he's I don't even know how it happened.
I just did, because he is just used to, I sit down I sit down, the waitress comes up, I order the drink. It's an autopilot kind of thing that mixed with the identity, excuse me. The identity, the way that you view yourself. In context of the addiction. So let's talk a little bit about that. That's a little bit more complex than just changing the people, places and things.
The identity trap is all of these. Usually lies that you've been telling yourself that you're gonna have to confront, and you're gonna have to decide, are these true? [00:14:00] Did I just adopt these because it made me feel better about my behavior? Did I just adopt these because it's what other people told me.
There's a YouTuber I follow his name is Myron Golden. Anyway, he calls it a lie. Identity. It's your identity is the identity that you've accepted that other people have told you about you or that you've lied to yourself about, but that's not your real true identity. For example maybe your lie identity is that you'll never have fun again if you give up the addiction.
That's a lie identity. You've been telling yourself that for a long time. In fact, you've probably been either looking down your nose at people who don't, or maybe even just feeling sorry for people don't feel like they're missing out, and you have convinced yourself of that for so long. It's an automatic identity assumption that you don't even realize is happening.
But if that's what you believe in your heart, guess what's gonna happen? You're gonna fall back into using because you don't think it's possible to [00:15:00] have a good life sober. So if that's going on with you, it's important to raise that. Identity issue to the surface. So you can look at it head on and confront it and say, is this true or not true?
Or What parts of this is true when it comes to that particular law identity, the whole, I'll never have fun without it. There's a teeny bit of truth in that, but it is definitely not the whole truth. You probably will not enjoy certain experiences the same way. Some things that really are just. Better when you're engaging in that addiction will not be as fun.
That's true. But you will begin to be able to have fun and enjoy other things that you used to not enjoy. So it is a trade off. You're probably not gonna have that extreme euphoria, but what you are gonna have is. Contentment motivation. You'll have the whole thing about looking forward to things and being excited about things.
Again, like regular things. You'll be able to enjoy your [00:16:00] accomplishments and who you are, your family and your friends on a much deeper level. So yes, you're gonna give up a certain amount of euphoria that is connected to that addiction, but you're gonna get everything else. So it's not so much about telling yourself that those things aren't true.
It's about looking at. What else is true? Some, a lot of times it's just about adding the other pieces of the puzzle in. So you can look at the full picture like for another one. Maybe you view yourself as the life of the party or the person that I have to. Be the one that brings all this, 'cause everyone expects this of me.
Everyone expects me to be the funny one or the entertaining one or the outgoing one. And maybe that is a part of who you are, maybe that is a part of your identity. But my guess is it's not all of your identity. And I'll bet even when you are in that part of your identity, there's this other part that struggles with it that feels like it's not completely who you are or it's a mask version or [00:17:00] it's just a piece of who you are.
If you're struggling with that who am I without it? Especially if you're a young person, you might have this and you've been using maybe since you were a teenager, and you're like, I really don't even, I seriously don't know who I am without it because it's, it has been my whole identity since high school.
Sometimes you're gonna have to reassess that, and a good way to get yourself out of that identity trap is to ask yourself what are. My real and true values, my guess is it is not your real and true values or your most important values to be the life of the party, to be the one that's entertaining everyone else.
I'm not saying you don't like that. I'm not saying it's not fun or a piece of what you enjoy. I am just saying it's probably not connected to your. Deeper values, and you've gotta get to know yourself and be honest with yourself to know what these are. Maybe you know off the [00:18:00] top of your head what these are.
Maybe you're not sure exactly what they are, but you can figure them out. If you say that family is your top value, do you really put family as a priority? It's easy to say something like that, right? If you say hard work is a priority, do you put that. At the top of your list, do you, does your behavior align with what you say and you think your values are?
So if you're wondering how to get yourself out of this trap and get new habits and routines and a new identity, the best way to do it is just to align with those values to make your behavior congruent with what you believe in your heart that's gonna get you out of those old patterns and routines because.
I know that your values are not lying and sneaking and hiding and feeling crappy about yourself, and regrets and resentment, those don't align with your values. Maybe having fun does, [00:19:00] but the rest of it doesn't, right? And so once you can reconnect to that and you can realign with that, not only is it gonna get you out of this habit that you've been stuck in for a long time, but you're gonna like yourself again.
You are never gonna have good self-esteem when you can't trust yourself. You are never gonna have good self-esteem when you don't believe that you will follow through with the things that you say. When you know that you have a secret life going on, when you know that you are lying to people around you and the people, and usually the people that matter most to you, when you know that you're presenting yourself one way.
As maybe a great parent or a great leader, but secretly you got this other thing going on. No matter what you've accomplished, no matter what other people think about you, when you have this secret identity going on, you're not going to like yourself because that whole secrecy of it isn't going to be congruent with who you truly are underneath that addiction.[00:20:00]
If you believe those things about yourself, those lie identity addiction related things, I. It's because you've lived that way so long that sometimes you just accept it as truth. Like for example, sometimes you accept it as truth that you're never gonna beat it because you've told yourself, I never get more than three months sober.
And so you've accepted that as truth. It's a belief in your heart. And guess what? As long as that's in there, you're probably not gonna get past three months because you've decided that. And sometimes these beliefs, even though they're. They're such a strong force. Sometimes we're just not aware of them.
You've gotta dig down and say, what is it that I believe about myself? Do I think that I'm not worth it? Do I think that I'm not capable of it? Do I think that's just who I am? A lot of times when addiction has gone on for so long and we've been mad at ourselves for so long and we've disappointed ourselves and other people, so often we just decide that's who we are.
One of the [00:21:00] biggest things that I help people with in our recovery coaching is differentiating what is you versus what is addiction. Like a lot of times it's like people will say I'm really lazy, or I'm dishonest, or I'm not reliable. All of these kinds of things. And I said is that really you or is that.
Pretty much related to your addiction, right? And it's been going on so long that people feel like it's really them and they don't realize that a lot of those behaviors and ways they see themselves, it's not, they're not really lazy, they're not really dishonest, they're not really unreliable if we took the addiction out.
And the crazy thing about, it's a lot of times people will quit using and they'll still be. I like that they'll still be dishonest and unreliable and lazy because they've decided it's who they are. Not realizing that even though they're not maybe using or doing whatever the addiction thing is anymore, they're still doing all the other things [00:22:00] and we gotta get you out of that because as long as those other things are still going, even if you're not using or doing the addiction, whatever that is, you're not gonna like yourself, you're not gonna feel good, you're not gonna be happy and content.
And so recovery is about realigning yourself with your value system, who you really are reassessing your identity and deciding what's your identity, what's your identity, what's your addiction identity? And the way I prove this to people, 'cause a lot of times people just, they have a hard time really thinking that's not who they are, is I say.
'cause a lot of these people, they've been in our treatment, they've been in bazillion meetings at least, and I'll say. If you went to any recovery meeting and there were 20 people in there, could you tell me 10 things that every single one of 'em have done? And they'll be like, yeah, I can tell you what they've done.
I can tell you what happened yesterday and what they're gonna do tomorrow. I'm like, yeah, because it's predictable. Even if those people are very different from different backgrounds, [00:23:00] different ages, different races, different socioeconomic statuses, you know exactly what they've done. Because addiction creates a certain set of predictable behaviors and ways of thinking, and because it's so predictable, that's a good way to prove to yourself that's not really who you are, because everyone that has that addiction that you have does those exact same things.
And if you've ever been in any recovery group whatsoever, you know that this is true. That's why it's easy to connect to these people no matter who they are or where they're from or what their past is. 'cause you're like, oh, we got something in common because we've, not only, we have this addiction, but we've been thinking the same way.
We've made the same mistakes. We feel the same way about ourselves. It's these other things, and that's why it's easy to connect to 'em. But it's also the thing that tells you that's not really you, that is your addiction. And that I'm not saying that. To make you not accountable for those things that you did.
But I am saying that because I want you to [00:24:00] reassess who you are, how you behave, what's important to you, so you don't fall back into those old routines and patterns because that is so much more likely to get you than the stress that is so much more likely to get you than the cravings. It's the patterns and routines, and it seems simple.
But it takes a lot of mindfulness and self-reflection and honesty to get ourselves out of those patterns. All right guys. We are almost to the point today where we're gonna take some questions and comments from those of you who are watching Live. Brie is back there behind the scenes being our moderator.
If you have a question or a comment that you want me to address, write the word question by it or put some question marks or a big cue or something like that. The something that helps breathe, find it faster. We may not have time for all of your questions, but we try to pick the most relevant ones and we'll get through as many as we have time for if you're watching on the playback.
Hey, we're glad you're here, and if you wanna join us live, we're live every [00:25:00] Thursday at 1:00 PM Eastern, and we would love to have you in the conversation as well. While you're getting your comments, questions up there. I'll remind you that as always, there are resources in the description. I always put those things down there for you.
One of the resources I put down there for you is it's my 30 day Jumpstart program, which is if you're early in recovery, this is just a short little video message that comes to your inbox every day to help you address these very things we're talking about, to help you get out of all your old patterns and routines.
These videos are like. Three to four minutes long. They're very short, they're very action oriented, and they're specifically related to things that you're going through in those earlier days about how to handle social situations and cravings and all these things like we've been talking about. So it's totally free.
Sign yourself up for it. It, the link is in the description if you're watching because you're concerned about a loved one. I'm okay with you signing them up, but make sure you ask them first. Otherwise they can [00:26:00] be like, who's this woman in these videos showing up in my inbox? I dunno who she is.
That's weird. So make sure they're okay with it first. All right, Brie, what do we have today, Jackie? Hey, thank you for the super chat. I appreciate that. It's expensive producing these videos, so all of those donations go right into helping us keep it up. Thank you. Jackie's question is. My question is, could identify as an addict be causing more harm than good?
As in this is who I am, my core identity. Therefore, I can't change. This is a really good question, Jackie. Oh, there's more to it. 13 years addicted. Been homeless most of the time in and out of jail. Now in a cycle of detox, rehab, sober living relapses. Every time I'm in sober living, this cycle starts again.
Okay. All right. I'm gonna answer your question, Jackie, but. Do you see the way you have every time in capital letters there? This is, you're, and [00:27:00] I can, I'm literally, I can hear you tell yourself this, or maybe you're telling me about someone else, but this is loud. Okay. So it means that this is a strong belief.
First of the thing I first want you to do is. I want you to take that every time out, right? Because there's probably more to your truth right there. You can probably, if we looked at it, we can look at it and say most of the time I get a pretty good amount of days sober, so that's also true, right?
Most of the time I do really well in these groups. Most of the time I meet somebody really cool in recovery. There are other things that are also true that you can pull into the mix as far as your identity. Now to answer your question about whether or not it's helpful or counterproductive to identify yourself as an addict or an alcoholic, or whatever word you put there, I in general, think it is helpful to identify that way, mostly for one reason.
Mostly because it just reminds you that, [00:28:00] you're allergic to whatever that thing is, and that it's not gonna change. Because most of the time when people try to convince themselves that they're not an addict or an alcoholic, it's because they wanna keep the thing in their life. And so the understanding that, yes, I have this problem is helpful to keep people from.
Going back into a bargaining state. So it is helpful in that regard. That's why I think, when you go to a meeting, they say I'm Jackie, I'm an addict. I'm Amber, I'm an alcoholic, whatever. It's why they repeat it so much, just like a reminder, like this is a problem. But if you feel like taking that identity on is keeping you stuck in a, I'll never be anything else then maybe we need to disassociate with that some.
But what I'm hearing is not just a. An attachment to the idea of I'm an addict, but it's an attachment to the idea of I'm an addict who's never gonna beat this thing. Can we at least take that part off? Who's never gonna beat this thing the big every time in capital? Can we take that out?
Because I promise [00:29:00] you that's not the whole truth. Maybe it's a little truth, but it's not the whole truth. So let's reassess that and realize that. Everybody who beats addiction, it takes them multiple times. Okay? So what you can say is, I'm on track. And guess what? Who I'm a person that doesn't give up.
I'm gonna keep coming at this thing until I beat it. Look at my history. That's a truth that you can accept about yourself. Peace. I says, why are alcoholics so mean to their families, but nice to the world? They seem like they hate their families. Not sure if this is prediction. This is another really good question, and.
It is really common, to be honest. I don't know if I'd put the word hate their families, but I would say that they treat their family different. And it's usually not even their whole family. It's usually one or two or maybe three people, and it's usually the ones that are the closest to you because they know your truth and they're probably, not only [00:30:00] do they know your truth, the fact that you know that they know.
Makes you feel crappy inside. And so you project your negative feelings onto that person. It's usually the parent or the spouse, usually the wife or the husband. It doesn't always have to be them, but it's the person that's closest to you that knows the truth and usually the family is the one that's like on your case about it.
So I guess what I'm saying is there's this negative transference onto the family because. Maybe you don't even say anything, but just being around you and knowing that, makes them feel bad. And when you're around people that make you feel bad, think about it. If you're around people that, that do not bring up good feelings in you, they're not, they don't bring out the best in you.
And so you get this negative attitude towards them. So yes. Does that happen? Is it a symptom of addiction? I would say yes. Yes. It is a symptom of addiction that, that. That people who have addictions treat their [00:31:00] family different and why do they treat other people better is because those other people either don't know about the problem or they don't know the extent of the problem and they haven't.
Suffered because of your problem. So you don't have all that shame attached to them. And most people are so functional for so long that it's their close family members are the only ones that really know it for many years. The coworkers, the friends, the family that's further distant, they don't know it.
So it's easy to not be defensive. That's what it is. Defensiveness. That's why they treat you different. Good question Debbie Rose says. What suggestion to support a sporadic stop of drinking after a couple falls, decades long drinker.
I think what you're saying, I'm having a little bit of trouble here. I think what you're saying, Debbie, is that, oh, there's more. [00:32:00] Okay. Maybe this help road in case he slips. He feels a failure. Decades long drinker, almost 70. Any suggestions? Okay, so So what you're saying is this person mostly does good, but has these sporadic.
Fallbacks. I don't know how long those last if they tend to be real short. I like to call them lapses, which is one way to answer your question, Debbie. It's one way to help damage control it when you're talking to that person about it. Like sometimes I have someone call coming to my office and they're like, I messed up, blah, blah, blah.
I drink on Saturday, and I'll say, what did you drink on Sunday? And they'll say I. A little bit and I'll say, did you drink on Monday? And they'll say, no. I said, did you drink today? And they'll say, no. I said, we're gonna call that a lapse then, because we're not even gonna call that a full relapse.
We're gonna call it a lapse because I'm not saying it's great. We're gonna talk about it, we're gonna figure out why it happened, but you got it under control quickly. So it's a way to damage control that I, that identity trap thinking that you don't want that person to go back to, which is, I always screw it up.[00:33:00]
I'm never gonna get this 'cause that's not true. I'll say. Especially if someone is mostly sober, but they're having a little, I'll say, in the past year, how many days do you think you've. Used, drank, gambled, whatever the thing is. And then I might say like probably 10. I'm like, that means 340 something days.
You didn't, right. And I'm not saying it's okay that you had those lapses. It's not so much this a person's trouble. It just sucks to have lapses. 'cause it's hard to make them stop. So it sucks for the person, not so much that they're bad or they're in trouble. I'll say you're doing recovery more days than you're not doing recovery.
Those are damage control ways to help someone. Not get into that horrible spiral of negative thinking when they have elapse. ADI says, my husband still uses meth every Friday, even though he's on probation and in IOP three days a week. He says it's because he's bored, unmotivated, and depressed. I'm at a loss of how to help.[00:34:00]
Every time I suggest activities or suggestion to help, he shuts me down the. The key to this is is getting them to identify what they need to do different. Think about when you've had a problem and maybe you've gone to a friend or a coworker about it and they start giving you suggestions and you're thinking, yeah, but yeah, but I've tried that doesn't work for me.
That's not gonna work on my husband. Whatever. You start having excuses. That's what they feel like when you're doing that. The part of the question about. The suggesting things, it's more about getting them to come up with the solutions. 'cause I find that deep down people know what they need to do.
And so I can guess all day and give suggestions, but it's just gonna be annoying to them. 'cause deep down they know the answer. It's either something they need to start doing or something they need to stop doing that they're really resistant to. Like when you said Every Friday he says, my very first thought, I don't know if this is true or not, ADI, but my very first thought was, do they get paid on Friday?
'cause if they get paid on [00:35:00] Friday. Or then that could be why they use every Friday, or maybe they used to always get paid on Friday, so they have that biological clock thing to I use on Friday because that's payday. If it's, if that's not the case and it's just every Friday, it's attached to something related to Fridays, not just boredom.
Maybe it's attached to the thought that they're. This thinking that I made it all week and now this is my cheat day or Roar day. Maybe that's an identity thought that you're having, but it's probably more than just the boredom trigger. I would wanna dig down further into that. I, Michelle says my husband has struggled with addiction since he was 12 years old after 30 years of marriage.
His most recent addiction is to crate him. In the form of the drink when you drink it feel free drink. Do you know much about it? Yes, [00:36:00] I know a good bit about this. I haven't been hearing this as much, but a few years back, I, a lot of clients who were coming to me addicted to this, some of them because they used it.
To get off of other addictions, like sometimes people start using it to stop an opiate addiction because it's similar-ish and they think it's almost like a way of tapering and they get themselves in trouble that way. Sometimes it's because it's just so easy to get. Like you can get it. There's stores everywhere.
I had a client who's so upset and my office one day he is there is this giant freaking billboard on my way to work every day advertising it. I'm like, I know that's my stuff, right? So it's just easy to get. And then sometimes people start using it when they're in treatment programs because unless you specifically test for it, it doesn't show up on a drug test.
So there are different reasons why people fall into this addiction. And the thing about it's, people usually think it's. Harmless because you can buy [00:37:00] it at a store anywhere. They think it's like not a big deal, but the tolerance to that stuff builds up super quick. And in my experience, people end up spending like a crap ton of money on it.
And that's usually why they're like, I gotta stop this. Like I'm spending $1,200 a month on this stuff. 'cause tolerance goes so quick and you have withdrawal from it. Like you get physically dependent on it. The withdrawal is very similar to opiate withdrawal.
Susan Smith says, my husband has a pattern of being sober for at most two weeks, and then. Relapses and goes to one meeting and then the pattern repeats and his drinking has been getting worse, especially during the summer. This pattern has been going on for years. I told him that I need a sober hubby and I'm planning to look at some type of separation in hopes that he will make a choice for recovery.
When I told him that, he says, I called him a bad person. I told him he's not a bad person. The alcohol is there more to this one? Bree is there. Question here? [00:38:00] Or is it just wanting some thoughts about it? Maybe just some thoughts about it. Will you pop it back up there for me?
So the issue here is he gets a couple of weeks, he has a lapse, he goes to one meeting, he thinks he is good to go, and then we get another two weeks and then we fall back into it. There's just several. There's several things in here. I don't know what your specific question is, but there's several things in here that get my attention.
I can tell you that one thing is in reading the, what you wrote here. This is what you, this is the first sentence. My husband has a pattern of being sober for at most two weeks Now, the reason I'm bringing that up is because, and this could be totally true, Suzanne but. The way you wrote it, I'm guessing, is the way you think about it, right?
Just naturally you wrote what you're thinking in your head and you got at most two weeks. So that tells me in your mind there's an identity there. And so it could be one of those [00:39:00] things, even for you in your own language, in the way that you talk to yourself, in the way that you talk to him. Remove that at most two weeks things.
'cause sometimes people. Get into a self-fulfilling prophecy thing. And so you don't wanna, you especially don't wanna communicate it that way to the person. And it doesn't mean being dishonest but people convince themselves that they can't get past a certain point. It's crazy, but I see it all the time.
People get past they're like, I never get past two weeks. I never get past six months or whatever. And then they like mess up because they convince themselves of that. So both of you need to address that. The other thing that is important here, and what you're saying is the part about, you're like, I need you to get sober.
I need a sober husband. And then he says, I'm telling him I'm a bad person. And I told him he's not bad. The alcohol is, and I get what you're saying, but you are saying in some regards, which is true and is okay, is the alcohol does not make you a great husband. I. [00:40:00] And that's just the truth of it.
And what he's doing when he says that is he's actually it. It's a manipulative tactic to try to put it back on you, to make you feel guilty and to help him avoid addressing the issue. So when people try to do that, like sometimes people do it by saying things, Suzanne you don't trust me. You know what the best way to respond to that is?
I know, and I don't like that. I hope we can get on the other side of that. So he's trying to make you feel guilty and he is putting words in your mouth. 'cause you didn't say you're a bad person, but you're saying I need a sober husband. Is I wouldn't back off of that. I would just hold firm so that, that tactic doesn't work in a nice way, but in a way that says you, you can't flip this around over here on me and make me the bad guy.
Oh, Kaylyn. Thank you for the super sticker. That's awesome. Thank you. Kaylyn 16, bibe says, how do you encourage, what do you pick out to encourage if they [00:41:00] cannot get days sober because they are dependent on it and have seizures, but are still trying to get better. Okay. I like this. Okay. This is a good question and I'm really glad that you're thinking this way b because we're in alignment here.
It's what are the words that I say? How do I positively reinforce, I think is what you're saying? If this person was in my office, I would say, damn, I know you really mean it, because when you stop. It's freaking miserable. You get sick, you have a seizure, and you are still choosing to try to get sober.
That tells me that you are like beyond serious about it, and they'd be like, I guess that's true, because it is true if they're doing that. And that's what I would say. And then I would say, but let's figure out maybe a way. That to set you up for success. What that means is probably someone needs some kind of medical detox, help intervention something, some that will sleep something.[00:42:00]
And so I would also work with that person on what can we do to make this doable for you? Because I know you mean it because you're, and I see people do this all the time. Like they, they go through detox, like white knuckle, detox, and sick as a dog. And they do it over and over again.
I'm like, dude, that is miserable. Let's figure this out. Let's get out of this and not have to do this again. And it does tell you that they're really committed and strong because it's not easy. Christina says, I've reached the end of my rope four weeks ago. I told him I need to move on and heal.
I asked him to please give me at least a month and I will contact after. Him after that. He hasn't contacted me in the last four weeks. Do you think I should still reach out to him? Because I said I would. I feel guilt for everything I do or don't do, but I need to move on. I have no idea if he's still drinking.
I If it sounds to me the way I'm reading this and I could be [00:43:00] reading into it, but it sounds to me like you don't really want to reach out to him that you want to move on, but you feel guilty because you said you would. You feel like you should. I think if what you want is to move on, I think you just need to let yourself move on and he could call you out on it and say four weeks.
And then if he does call you out on that, then you just say, you're right. I did say that and at the time I felt it, and I'll change my mind. And I don't even want you to feel guilty about it because I'm I bet that this person has told you a million. Promise is broken. Things that they've not followed up on.
So just admit it. Say, and I feel bad about that. I feel guilty about that. So if they call you out, just acknowledge it. But if you're not trying to fix things with this person and you need to move on and you need the space just take the space. Just do what you need to do. All right guys. We are out of time.
Thank you for the awesome questions you guys ask great questions. I appreciate you showing up live. It sure helps to know I'm not talking just [00:44:00] to myself and I'll see you guys next Thursday. Don't forget, there are resources and description, the 30 day jumpstart, recovery, coaching, all the things. It's all down there.
I'll see you guys next time. Bye everybody.
