AI Edits from Why do I keep relapsing on alcohol over and over again_
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[00:00:00] If you've been caught in a cycle of relapse with your drinking or any other substance for that matter, and it seems like you make a little progress, ~it's sort of that two steps forward, three steps backwards kind of thing. ~Today we're gonna be talking about exactly why that happens and how to break out of that cycle because it is so maddening.
You, you just get trapped in. A lot of people get trapped in it, and it's almost like clockwork. Like maybe they make it so many days, or maybe they make it so many weeks or months even, and nothing bad happens, but then the dam breaks, something bad happens again, and the cycle starts all over. The way I wanna explain this to you is something called the relapse wheel, ~and I'm gonna, in just a second, I'm gonna show it to you on my screen if I can make all the technology work appropriately.~
We'll see. Good luck to me on that. So that you can kind of visualize in your mind what's really going on there. Why do I keep falling back into the same old patterns even though I'm trying so hard to [00:01:00] do better, and I even sometimes have some success doing that? If you're caught in that cycle, or you're loved one's caught in that cycle, then you're gonna wanna stay for this video.
For those of you who are new here, welcome to put the shovel down. My name is Amber Hollingsworth. I have been helping people and families with addiction for more than 28 years now, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your life and your family back on track.
Because the way that you beat addiction is to stay five steps ahead of it. So let's learn what three of those steps are today so we can get ahead of them. All right, I'm gonna share my screen with you. See if I can go teacher mode. ~Did you guys know I was a, a teacher? Uh, before I was a counselor? It was terrible, horrible, awful work.~
~Way harder than what I do now. I'll definitely have to admit.~
So basically it's a model that looks like a wheel, a circle, and it's got three steps to it. This first step right here is something bad [00:02:00] happens
and that something bad can be a. Anything. It can be really bad, just a little bit bad, but something happens related to your drinking or using and you have regrets over it. So you wake up that next morning or next week or whenever it is, and you're just in that same old, horrible place where you feel physically like hell, you feel emotionally terrible.
You're so angry with yourself for falling back into the same old trap yet again. So the something bad happens, which leads us to our next step in the relapse process, which is promises to do better.
This is hard to write on the screen. I bad handwriting. Anyway, do better. Now let's talk about what those promises to do better actually look like. The promises to do better [00:03:00] can be, I'm gonna stop completely for a certain amount of time. It can be, I'm going to quit altogether. It can be, I'm gonna slow it down, I'm gonna drink a different type.
~Like ~a lot of people say, I'm just gonna drink beer and not liquor, or I'm just gonna drink wine. Not hard alcohol, but there's all these kinds of promises. I promise myself, I'm only gonna drink socially, or I'm not gonna drink more than three, or I'm only gonna drink two days a week. There's some sort of promise that you're gonna do better, and that promise will stay intact for a while.
You'll do. You'll do better for a while. But then something will happen that causes you to go over here to this third piece of the wheel, which is some sort of justification,
breaking your boundaries.
And so [00:04:00] you move. ~Into, and ~that, ~that's ~something can be, ~it can be it can be something that stresses you out. Like ~a relationship problem or a work problem. It could be something really good that happens that makes you excited or wanna celebrate. It could even just be the mere thought that, Hey, I've been doing really good.
I haven't had any mess ups in X amount of days or weeks, or whatever it is. I deserve something more. And so we fall into that justification state and we tell ourselves. That we're only gonna do a little bit. We tell ourselves that it's not gonna be like last time, or it's just gonna be just this one time, or we're, you know, our spouse is out of town or something like that.
And so we tell ourselves. That we're gonna stop long before they come home because we know we don't wanna get caught and we're not gonna get in trouble. So I'm just gonna have a couple, or I'm gonna stop at a certain time of day because I know that'll give me [00:05:00] a few hours to sober up ~before I, um, before she gets, ~before she or he gets home.
~And I get myself in big trouble. ~And so we start with this justification that can be it could be, it's a special occasion. It could be everyone else is doing it. Why can't I, that's sort of a, a self pity kind of thing. Or like, maybe you're at a social event or a big family event, some kind of celebration or something and everyone else is drinking.
And so you're triggered and you're thinking that. Definitely, you might have the, I'll have just one or two or three, or I'll stop at a certain time. You can have the, this time will be different justification or I need to relax justification, or I can quit anytime, or I don't wanna waste it. I found this leftover secret stash and hey, why let it go to waste?
It can be, I need to socialize and that can even be socialized for a work situation. ~And, ~and a lot of times the thought is something like, well, I don't wanna ruin everyone else's time, or I don't wanna seem weird, like a third wheel or the [00:06:00] odd man out, or, I don't wanna be rude. Or the rationalization can even just be something as simple as what I call the efforts.
And the efforts happen. When you get so stressed out to the point that you just don't even care anymore, what happens? You're just like, screw it, I'm drinking, I'm using, I don't care. I'll deal with that later. So as you can see, you can have any one of these relapses. And what does that lead to? That leads to the something bad happening.
It may or may not happen on the first time you choose to break your boundaries, you rationalize, why am I going to get outside of my limit that I set for myself? ~And remember that limit can be none, but sometimes people's limits are like those just a little bit or just on special occasions or something like that.~
But you break your limit and then something bad happens again. Maybe you don't quit drinking in time and your spouse comes home and catches you. Maybe you get some kind of legal charge. Maybe you get some kind of poor performance at work, but [00:07:00] something bad happens that gets your attention, that you feel terrible about.
Maybe it's you were intoxicated and you called and texted and said and did some things that you really regret. Maybe that was on social media. Maybe it was in somebody's direct message. Maybe it was in real life. But you have that, those really regretful, embarrassing. ~I'm so mad at myself ~moments.
Maybe you're the type of person that when you drink or use, you get really angry or really obnoxious, and then the next day everyone's telling you what you did and you feel humiliated and embarrassed and ter terrible about it. So naturally that leads back to the promises to do better ~and. ~As you can see, that lasts for a little while and then we get back into the justification cycle.
And in my experience, this whole like flywheel of a relapse cycle just goes around and around, and as it goes around, it tends to go faster and faster. And those bad things that happen tend to get worse [00:08:00] and worse and happen more and more closer together in the timeline. As that's going on, we are just getting filled up with shame and guilt and resentment.
The shame comes because obviously we've made these promises to ourself and we've broken our promises to ourself, and so we get mad at ourself. The resentment comes from when those consequences, when those bad things are coming from someone else in your life, like your partner or your boss, or your best friend, or whoever that is, or the legal system.
We get defensive even if we know we're in the wrong when someone else is calling us out or we're ~being in, ~getting in trouble for something. We naturally get defensive even when we know we're in the wrong. And so we get in that resentment, self-pity cycle. And like I said initially, that can lead to us making promises to do better.
The problem comes in is that if you're in that relapse cycle, it's [00:09:00] probably because either you're not staying away from it long enough and the cravings are staying really high for you. Like for example, if you are. Doing better promise is you're gonna drink or use less or less. Frequently what's happening is you're keeping yourself in a constant craving state, and it means it's really, really hard to keep it this certain level that you've set for yourself.
Like a lot of people say, I don't wanna drink more than three at a time, or something like that. But when you do that, when you drink a couple, it just activates the craving process. So you're keeping yourself triggered all the time. It's actually about a million zillion times harder to reign in your drinking or using as in do it less than it is to do it none.
And so that could be one of the reasons why you're being stuck in this cycle. If you're promises to do better have to do with, I'm not gonna drink or use it [00:10:00] all, you probably are getting a little further in the cycle before the rationalizations and the bad things happen. ~Because once you're sober.~
~For long enough. ~As you're staying sober for ~more and ~more and more days, those cravings get less and less so it becomes easier and easier. But there's a couple of different scenarios when you're doing the whole, I'm gonna be clean and sober thing. Sometimes when people are doing the, I'm gonna give it up totally.
Like I said, I'm not drinking or using. Sometimes in the back of your mind you're thinking, I'm just gonna give it up because. I'm in big trouble right now and I need to get myself outta the doghouse, so I'm gonna give it up for a certain amount of time. That can be 30 days, that can be a year, that can be six weeks.
Whatever that amount of time is, I'm gonna give it up long enough to get out of trouble. And then ~hopefully, a lot of times the person thinks, ~hopefully, everything will reset in there. And then eventually I'll probably drink again, but I won't go back to drinking the way I was. When you're having that kind of thought, what you're doing is you're, you're [00:11:00] sort of.
Procrastinating it so in the back of your mind, you know, eventually you're gonna do it again. You're just not doing it right now, which makes you feel like you're just being on good behavior, which makes you feel like you are being restricted, which makes the cravings and the urges. ~Because it's similar to, it's not as bad as when you're actually trying to use less it, it's better than that, but it's still in the back of your mind and, and you know, it's just a matter of when.~
A lot of times we don't even make it to our benchmark of complete sobriety, ~whether, like I said, ~whether that was 30 days, six weeks, a year, whatever that is. A lot of times we don't even make it to our benchmark because we know we're gonna do it eventually, and we're kind of secretly just counting down the days and waiting for that time to happen.
And all during those days, even though the cravings get less, you still feel like you're missing out. You still feel like you're being restricted. And that keeps it top of mind. It keeps it where it's difficult for you. In contrast to that, if you've decided you are done with drinking and mentally and psychologically, you've taken it off the table, like, I don't drink anymore, and you [00:12:00] allow yourself to start to, identify differently. Like you start to identify as a sober person, that's different than I'm not drinking for a period of time. Because once you, ~I ~let yourself sort of rebrand and let the new you come out, then you're allowing room for other things to come in and replace the alcohol. You let yourself get new hobbies and interest in activities.
You let yourself. Get new friends to hang out with. If the ones you were hanging out with aren't the greatest influence, you're basically allowing the new you to flourish. And when you're just stopping for a certain amount of time, you're not letting those things happen. Because like I said, you're just being on good behavior until either you get the opportunity or something happens and causes you to rationalize and justify why you're breaking your limit, whatever that is.
It is just so much easier to let it go. Now there's an old recovery saying that I'm sure all of you have heard called One Day At a Time, and that can be helpful in some [00:13:00] circumstance because when you're first getting sober, it feels really hard. And ~it, ~it feels so hard that you're thinking, I can't do this forever.
~Like, I, I hate this. This is miserable. ~So in those early days, sometimes you really have to get on the one day at a time, and sometimes you even have to get on the one hour at a time, let me just get through this social event this evening, this, two hours where I have to be around this person that I don't like, or this person that's drinking or something like that.
And so sometimes you do have to get into that. Breaking it down into little manageable pieces. I always tell my clients that ~it's, ~it's kind of like when I used to jog in the mornings and ~I hate, ~I hated it. ~Like ~I got used to it. I got better at it, but hated it the whole time. But I would make these little deals with myself.
I'd say just get to that yellow house at the end of the street. And a lot of times by the time I got to the yellow house, I'd go to the greenhouse or whatever it was, to the stop sign and it feels more manageable. So sometimes that can be a really good skill. But eventually, if you're keeping it in the back of your mind, let me just get a [00:14:00] little further and a little further.
Like I said, you don't allow yourself to become different, to replace the drinking you're using with other things that make you happy. You're just waiting until you're just on good behavior for X period of time. It's, like I said, just keeps it harder as opposed to when you close the door on it. When you close the door on it.
It's like the difference is, it's the difference between keeping it at bay, which is holding off for a period of time, like being on a diet versus closing the door on it is like locking it ~versus trying to hold it at bay. ~Once you lock it out, it just doesn't bother you as much. Those monster mouths don't talk to you all the time.
They don't aggravate you. You're not having all those rationalizations and justifications, so psychologically letting go of it lets you restart and makes it a lot easier. ~Another thing you can do when you're to that point where you're like, I'm ready to let it go and lock the door on it so that I can actually.~
Build a life that I like better, I can feel better. And this won't feel hard, is you can create some accountability for yourself. And you guys, if you've been watching my videos very long, you know how I feel about accountability. [00:15:00] I would put a really good accountability plan up above anything, pretty much anything else that you can think of, even more than going to counseling, even more than going to meetings.
The reason I say the accountability works is because ~even on the, for those of you who decide for sure that you're done with it, ~you're gonna have a hard day, you're gonna have a trigger, you might have one of those, I'm so stressed out, I don't care anymore. F it kind of moments. And when those times happen, you wanna have a gate in place that keeps you from being able to do it.
Small things like don't have it in your house. Like, don't put yourself in situations that you know are gonna trigger you and make it really, really hard for you. Tell the people in your life that you are not doing that anymore. That's massive accountability. A lot of times people don't wanna tell other people in their life, and sometimes there's legitimate reasons like you probably don't need to tell everyone that [00:16:00] you work with.
Especially if you work in some kind of environment that that could backfire on you. But you definitely wanna tell the people close to you, your friends, your family, the people that you're around regularly, ~the people that you maybe even drink with regularly. 'cause if you're not telling them a lot of times.~
You might say, well, it's none of their business. Or you might say well, I just don't want everyone to think that about me. Maybe, and maybe that's the case, but a lot of times what it really is, is you think I might change my mind and wanna drink or use again. And so you don't wanna close that gate, but I promise you, closing the gate on it makes it infinitely easier.
I had a client just recently who had been in this same relapse cycle. He would do really good for months and then some trigger would happen. He would rationalize it and in his mind at the time, it was just gonna be just this one time or just a little bit, and then the wheels would fall off.
Again, ~the, you know, who it would hit the fan. ~He would get some kind of bad, something happened and he'd be back on the promise thing again. [00:17:00] Then he would do better again for weeks at a time, even months at a time sometimes. But then again, something bad would happen. And this person, I've been seeing them for a little while, and they were doing like really good.
I mean, they were like doing all their recovery assignments for me. They were going to meetings that they enjoyed. They weren't just like showing up, they were participating. They were like actively engaging in recovery. Not just being on good behavior, but like really working a program. But then a certain stressor happens and there was a certain emotional stressor that kind of is a big trigger for this person that happens kind of regularly.
And he fell off the cliff again. And unfortunately ~when we, ~when we do go back, it's usually a pretty hard nosed dive. And it might not be immediately, but it's probably gonna be within. A few days, and for sure within a week or two, you're gonna be right back to the spot where you left off. And that has to do [00:18:00] with all the brain chemistry and neuropathways and all that kinda stuff involved.
And I have videos on the channel if you wanna know how that works in the brain and why it is that you, as they say in recovery, you pick up where you left off. That's what that means. If you left off at a pint a day when you pick it back up, you're gonna be at a pint a day and tomorrow you're gonna be a pint and a little bit more.
Because your tolerance is your tolerance, and it might, you've been not doing it for a long time. Your tolerance might be down for, I don't know, like five minutes, but it comes back very, very quickly. And despite all your best intentions, you're right back to doing it as much as you were before, and then you're back in the bad situation.
So if you can set some accountability in place, if you can close the door on it by not telling yourself, I'm gonna cut it back, but I'm gonna let it go. And you can say, not just, I'm gonna let it go for a little period of time, but I'm just gonna let it go. I don't need this in my life anymore. This is a breakup.
This is like a breakup with a really [00:19:00] toxic person in your life. And it's the kind of person that you keep going back to because you want it to work for whatever reason. And maybe there's some things about the relationship that kind of work. ~So you, you end up going back over and over, but then. ~It doesn't take long before you're like, oh yeah, this is why this doesn't work.
And so you're in that cycle. If you've ever been in a cycle with someone where you like you're in a relationship and then you block them and then you unblock them, and then you block them and then you unblock them. ~Put your, put a hands up emoji in the comments or in the chat if you've ever been in a situation like that or if you have a really good friend who's been in a situation like that and like you've listened to the play by play of it, the whole blocking, I block you on this and that, but then they.~
Sometimes they find another way ~to, ~to get to you. Like they'll use someone else's phone to text you or call you or use someone else's social media profile to get through to you. That's kind of like addiction. ~You guys, it's a lot like it because ~you think I'm gonna block it over here on ~this, ~this door.
~I didn't think about it, ~and it's gonna sneak through another door. So you need to have that accountability in place. That makes it really hard when it tries to use someone else's profile and call you up. Or you know what? You're back in a toxic relationship. You regret it. You immediately remember this is why.
Don't need to in this relationship. Don't go back and don't put it in the friend zone. When people try to use less or less [00:20:00] frequently, that's what I call trying to put alcohol in the friend zone. It doesn't work so good. 'cause eventually it gets toxic again and bad things happen. And I think it's, that happens with any addiction, but it definitely happens with alcohol.
And the reason is because alcohol actually deactivates the frontal lobe part of your brain, the part of your brain that lets you make good decisions that lets you decide to stop it. Three or whatever it is, it turns your off switch off. So I think any addiction is prone to that, but I think alcohol is particularly prone to that.
And if you wanna take the accountability to the next level and it's alcohol, then I suggest you get a sober link. ~If you've heard me talk about Soberlink before, put me a thumbs up emoji in the commenter chat. I love Soberlink. ~Soberlink is an alcohol breathalyzing monitoring system, and I have found that people are able to get sober and stay sober using Soberlink and not have to go to treatment when otherwise, they probably would've had to leave their [00:21:00] environment in order to, to stabilize the addiction because they've been in a relapse pattern.
It allows you to practice sobriety in a real life environment. So sometimes if people are coming outta treatment, they'll use Soberlink as a relapse prevention, but a lot of my clients are able to use soberlink as a tactic to get sober and stay sober and not have to go to treatment. ~Let me show you guys when I have one up here on the shelf.~
~I'll show it to you so you can see what it looks like in case you haven't heard me talk about it.~
It looks like this. It comes in a little case, as you can see. It's like the size of your hand but it is kinda like the size of your cell phone, but thicker. You open it up, it comes out. It looks just like this. It's pretty simple. You can have this in the case, you can have this in your purse, in your glove box, in your desk, ~you know, ~drawer, whatever.
And no one's really gonna think anything about it when it's in the case. The way this ~work is ~works is not just a breathalyzer. I know you can get a breathalyzer anywhere these days, Amazon, CVS, Walmart, whatever. But what makes this work is not just because it's a breathalyzer, it's because it's a [00:22:00] system.
It's the system piece that works. And it several pieces of this system and all work, you need all of these pieces. First and foremost, it has facial recognition in it. I dunno if you can see that this is the straw you blow in, but right up here there's a little lens that is a camera that takes your picture every time you take a test and it has facial recognition software in it, so you can't cheat it.
And I had, I've had people try to cheat it and it doesn't, doesn't work out so well. ~'cause it'll. ~The technology and, and you guys know, facial recognition has gotten really good these days, so it's pretty solid. And if it can't recognize you, it'll tag like your accountability person, which I'll tell you about in a minute.
~And ~and they can verify that it's you or not you. So sometimes maybe you have on ~like ~a hoodie or a hat or something like that and it can't recognize you, but it's got facial Orion, so you're not going to. Cheat it and the facial recognition is built into the device. ~There's some other, um, similar systems out there but they don't have the facial recognition built into the device.~
And there's a reason why this is important with Soberlink because. ~I've seen people use the, like, it, ~it'll take your [00:23:00] picture ~of your video ~while you do it, but it's not in the device, and so you can look like you're blowing into it, but have ~like ~a friend on the side ~or something like that ~blow into it and it looks like you're blowing on the camera, but really you've got ~like ~a second device and they're doing it for you.
And so it looks like you're being compliant, but you're not. That's why having it, that's why Soberlink is like. The most cheap proof one that's out there. It's recognized in court systems or people that are dealing with some kind of legal, something like a DUI or something and trying to get out of it, showing they're sober or in ~like ~a custody situation.
Maybe your, ~um, ~drinking has been an issue for you. You're going through a divorce. Your partner's like, I don't want to let you be with our kids without supervision. Soberlink is a really good. Option for people in that situation because ~it, ~this way you can prove that you're sober, ~but, ~and ~make ~help your ex-partner ~or whatever ~feel safer so that everybody knows you're on the up and up.
Everything's good. You can be with your kids. The other thing other than the facial recognition is, is that you have an accountability [00:24:00] partner, or as many as you want and I suggest having more than one. And so what happens is you set up a system with that person about when you're gonna test, usually three times a day in the morning when you first wake up at night, before you go to bed and somewhere in the middle, and you get a text message to your phone that tells you to take the test.
~Um, ~it takes literally 20 seconds to take it. It uploads your results into the soberlink Cloud, which is kinda like the iCloud, and if you miss it, you're positive, you're late, then your accountability person will get a message and that'll let them know. That's why this really closes the gate on it.
What it does is it makes it a non option, which again, like I said, when it's a non option, when it's not there, it's not available because you either can't get a hold of it like you're in a treatment facility and it's locked up and you can't get a hold of it, or ~you're, maybe you could get your hands on it, but ~you can't get away with it because you're on something like Soberlink or drug testing or something like that.
It makes it a non option, which I'm telling you, makes the cravings. ~A lot better actually. ~Like [00:25:00] I said, it's like closing the door on it. Then you don't do the should. I, shouldn't I, it's not like you're constantly daydreaming about it because you've taken it off as an option. And not only that, but it will help you heal your relationships really fast because it's a mega step.
So when people get on Soberlink, I know they're serious because ~you don't, ~you don't get on this level of accountability when you don't really mean it. So it lets your loved one know that you're serious and it gives them like this reassurance. A lot of times that loved one can be your accountability partner if need be.
Anyways, y'all know I'll talk about Soberlink forever. I have used it long, long, long before I ever started making YouTube videos. I'm partnered with Soberlink. I believe in this product. ~I have put three of my clients. Two. ~Two of my clients in the past few weeks have started Soberlink and it has made all the difference in their situations.
Their sobriety, but also in their, ~um, ~relationship with their spouses. When if we didn't have soberlink, it would not have ended well. Those people would definitely [00:26:00] have gotten themselves shipped off to like what I call big daddy treatment, like probably more than 30 days, like 90 days or longer I would imagine.
Because they were able to use the soberlink, they're actually living their life, feeling their relationship, working their recovery programs, and they're getting back on track ~without having to do that. ~So I highly recommend it if it's not soberlink, put some other kind of accountability in place. Like if it's~ maybe your, ~maybe your addiction is looking at inappropriate images on the phone or computer. There's software that you can download that'll create that kind of accountability. There's all kind of accountability systems. Put one in place, it'll help you stay sober because, not just because you're gonna get caught because you're fearful of bad things happening, but because you know you can't get away with it.
So you just don't spend any time thinking about it, which makes the urges so much less and better. All right. We are about to the point where we're gonna take some [00:27:00] questions and some comments. Brie is back there behind the scenes being our moderator. ~And some of you are already, you know the drill.~
You're putting question in front of your question that lets brie be able to scan for it faster and see that you're trying to ask a question. So we might not get to everyone's, but we'll get to as many as possible. While you get your questions up there, there are as always resources for you down in the description.
Recovery, coaching or yourself, if you're trying to get sober recovery coaching. If you have a loved one that's trying to get sober and you need a consult on what to do or how to help, or figuring out where they're at in their stages, changes, all those things, all those links are in the description for you.
And even Amber AI is down there which is the. ~The, um, ~24 7 version of being able to talk to me. You could talk to Amber AI so it can help you. ~The rest. A tough situation. ~All right, let's get our comments and questions. Mary Beth says, question, my husband has been sober for five years after his DUI. He consistently relapses, denies [00:28:00] it.
He has an addiction counselor. I'm so tired of dealing with it. Any suggestions? ~It's the, I suggest having accountability if I were ~these are always really hard to answer ~these questions ~on live. It's a lot easier to do it in ~like ~a consult because I can get the details. ~'cause immediately Mary Beth, ~when I read this, I wanna know what is the pattern?
Is it, I make it a few weeks in relapse? Is it, I make it a few months? What triggers it? ~And the thing of it is, is ~if he's denying it, that's. ~That's also ~a big part of the problem because you need to tell somebody it, hopefully he's telling his addiction counselor that's happening. ~'cause ~if you're not telling somebody, ~again, ~that's just leaving room for it to creep back in.
That's a lack of accountability. Not that you're gonna be in trouble with your addiction counselor, but they can help you process through and figure out what's going wrong, how to get the gate closed and locked back on it. A lot of times people try to figure out how to find recovery secretly without telling people.
Sometimes it's 'cause they don't want the accountability. Sometimes it's 'cause they're not sure they can do it and they don't wanna feel embarrassed if they don't make it. There's reasons and some of 'em [00:29:00] are legit, but it just doesn't work because when you don't tell anybody, you have absolutely zero accountability and that's what holds you together on the really tough days and tough moments.
You can't secretly do it. So I feel like that's a big part of it. So my suggestion would be to be honest with someone about it. More than one person, hopefully, but at least one person. And put some accountability in place. 'cause it'll just make it easier. Heather. Neil says, hi, Amber. My husband is alcoholic.
He is sober currently. Why does he talk about all the time? Alcohol all the time. I cringe when I hear this. I would wanna know. See, this is why it's hard on lives. I wanna know what he says about it. As he talks about alcohol, like sometimes people will say things like, oh my God, like I really, really wanted a drink today or last night.
When people are saying that it doesn't bother me. 'cause I know if they're telling me that out loud. [00:30:00] That they're probably not gonna do it. 'cause if they were gonna do it, they wouldn't be saying it out loud ~or is it just like he talks about it all the time because he's glorifying it. ~Maybe it's, he feels awkward because he's sober, so he tries to be cool in front of his friends.
Or he talks about it, he talks big talk or whatever. Maybe he jokes about it. And that helps 'em to feel better. That's what I mean. I need to know what kind of talking about it. ~It means. ~It could mean a lot of different things. Sometimes people are just joke about it and their family, it's just too raw for their family member to hear and it just upsets them because of how painful it was.
It's like they're at a place where they can joke about it, but the family member is like, it's too soon. I'm not ready. I don't know if it's that, so I'd wanna know what kind of talking about it do you mean?
Monica says question. My loved one is finishing a 10 day inpatient rehab after years of addiction. Others say that 10 days isn't enough. How can I talk to him about post rehab plans without upsetting him? He did eight days in detox in a hospital just before treatment. So is that eight [00:31:00] days plus 10 days as in 18 ~days?~
~Or is it He did eight days in detox in two ~days? Either way. ~Um. ~He definitely needs some kind of follow up. And if he's in a treatment center, I promise you they are talking to him about follow up. So if you wanna try to do this without being in the bad guy role, then you just support what the, the. Eight plus 10.
Okay, so that's 18, so that's good. That's better than 10. ~That's 18 actually. That's closer. ~Every little day they stay in there and they're sober is better. It's like when you're pregnant, every little day in the oven, we're getting closer. ~You want, ~you wanna get as close as possible, so I think that's great.
But the treatment place he's at, it's gonna be making a recommendation and you wanna just back up. The, ~um, ~counselor or whoever it is, the doctor, whoever he's seeing, they're gonna be telling him what they think he should do. So I would support that. Let them do the pushing, ~and then, ~and then you say, yeah, I think you need to do whatever they say.
~So you can go about it that way. ~Mary Beth says, I don't know the triggers. He does tell his counselor, it happens frequently. I suggest the soberlink. His counselor said, no.
Why did the counselor say No [00:32:00] count? It makes, my first thought is, did the counselor really say no? Or is that what he's telling you? That's my first thought, but it is possible. The counselor said no, and that could be because the counselor either knows something you don't know. Like for example, sometimes I don't recommend Soberlink to people because I know they're not really trying to be sober. Like sometimes they're telling their loved one that they're being sober, but they're telling me that they're using, and so what's happening is you're just catching them every now and then, and so it looks like relapses, but really they're not intending to stay sober.
So in that kind of situation, I would say I probably, I wouldn't put you on a soberlink because you're not trying to stay sober. ~And so ~Soberlink works. When you're sober, like catching you drinking all the time isn't helpful. Soberlink is to prevent it, not to catch it. That could be why the counselor's saying no.
The counselor could be saying no because he presented it to the counselor in such a way to set it up to make sure that the counselor thought it was a bad [00:33:00] idea, or it could be they don't even know about it. So my first thought is, do they really say no? And secondly, some of these other things could be going on.
That's my sketch, sketch radar happening there. Oh, let me just say one more thing to that last person, Bri. The, the last thing I would say is the next time there's a big mess up and the bad thing happens and he is really regretful, then I would say, okay, will you agree to get on sobering now? Or if he's sober right now and he is working some plan, he is like, no, I don't need that.
I can do it without it. Then you say, okay, we're gonna do it this way, but if you mess up, will you agree to do soberlink if something else happens? So kind of go ahead and put it in the, ~um, ~in the plan as backup that works sometimes all is that Sir, sir? Thriver. Okay. Does Soberlink have a support group?
No, not specifically, but you can be on Soberlink can be in any kind of support group that you want to, you can be in 12 steps. Celebrate Recovery, smart Recovery. What's the, ~um, ~[00:34:00] Buddhist Recovery, Dharma Recovery? ~One of my clients was recently in a different, I'm trying to think of the name of it, and he really liked that.~
There's all kinds. So you can find us support group. You can even find support groups online in Reddit. You can find support group apps, ~um, ~that do a really good job. You can find a support group that works for you. Suzanne Smith says, our 30-year-old son recently completed a 28 day inpatient program for crack cocaine addiction.
He returned to our home and did well for about a month. He has relapsed. It's getting worse. We told him he can't live here anymore because he is harassing us for money and did not go to his meetings. I have a written eviction notice and can go to court in 14 days. If he doesn't leave, do we take everything away?
~In his use of my car or rides, or do his activities while we have to get through the next two weeks.~
~I, ~I would say, what's your purpose in taking everything away? If your purpose of taking everything away is just you're trying to make it hard for him or trying to punish him in some way. I say don't, because then you're just gonna. Be dealing with a very angry person on your hand for two weeks. It's gonna be a lot of fighting and your life [00:35:00] is gonna be horrible if you're wanting to take certain things away.
~Like, ~like he drives your car and you legitimately don't feel good about someone that's not sober driving your car for liability reasons, or, 'cause you don't want him or someone else to get hurt. That's a realistic reason. So ~if, ~if there are legit reasons, that you need to take it away.
Take it away, but not, don't just do it for punishment. ~It's, that's not gonna work or be helpful. That's just gonna put you in the bad guy role and it's just gonna make things worse. ~Kelly Carpenter says, my husband is in the bargaining phase and trying to moderate his drinking. However, he will not be honest with me about it.
If and when he's drinking, how do I help him see that that erodes trust further? I'm sure that your husband already knows that that erodes trust further. There are a lot of reasons why that happens. Why they aren't honest with you. It could be because they're telling you they're only drinking. A certain amount, but they're really drinking a lot more.
So ~they're, they're not, ~they're not being honest with you about how much they're drinking or when they're drinking. And even if you [00:36:00] respond really well and you don't lose your crap and you're super supportive and you're like literally an angel about it, they feel very shameful about it. And so they hide it.
~I wouldn't, ~I wouldn't ~use. ~I wouldn't work yourself up so much about it. If you know he's still doing it, he's still doing it. And if he's trying to moderate, you don't need to keep track of it. Kelly, you don't wanna keep the gate on it. If he told you he's only gonna drink three days a week, last thing I want you to do is try to keep him to three days a week because we are not gonna get through the bargaining phase until we go back to the flywheel, until the.
The bad thing happens, like, I don't fulfill a promise, or I drank more than I said and I made a fool of myself, or whatever it is. So, I wouldn't even try to track it. If there's still bargaining, it is still happening. It is going to get outside of the gate because that's what the bargaining phase does.
~He's in the cycle. Right. So I would, I honestly wouldn't. Worry too much about it. I realize that it, it erodes trust, but I would just assume that whatever his bargain is, it isn't gonna work. At least it's not gonna work consistently over the long haul. So. ~All right, Brie, as we are to the end of our time for today, thank you so much for everyone who showed up.
I love it when you're here. ~If you wanna, ~if you're watching the playback and you wanna be here with us for our next live call and have [00:37:00] questions and wanna join the conversation, we are live every Thursday at one o'clock. We also released videos on Tuesdays and we are currently, we've started our new series and they're recovery stories series, which is really cool.
We released our first one this past Tuesday. A guy named BB Reeves actually, he shared his story. It was really awesome. And guess what's coming out next week? We're gonna hear from his brother. ~So he, ~the brother is gonna share. His perspective on B'S addiction and recovery story. So this series is designed and set up to look at it from multiple perspectives.
We're talking to the person who has the problem, and then we're also separately interviewing ~the family member, ~a family member, to hear it from their perspective. If you want to share your story and you have a loved one who's willing to do that with you, then reach out to us and let us know. Because, ~um, we, ~we can't take all the applicants, but we are looking for people to tell their stories. And right now I'm looking for some [00:38:00] who were able to put the shovel down before they lost everything because I think that that's just so important for people to hear. You don't have to burn every bridge.
You don't have to hit rock bottom. You just have to put the shovel down. So reach out to us if you're interested in that and I'll see you guys next week. Bye everybody.
