AI Edits from Why Functional Alcoholics Stay Stuck in Denial (And How to Break Through)
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[00:00:00] Let's start with what are the signs and symptoms of denial first. Then we will get into the intricacies of breaking through that kind of denial. Specifically, we're talking about denial of an alcoholic or an addict who appears to be still really highly functioning. There's some nuances to this. So what are the, what are the signs that someone's in denial?
If any of you have heard me say before that denial isn't sort of black and white, as in I know I have a problem or I don't think I have a problem. Of course that's denial, but it's, it's more nuanced than that. There are layers of it, like layers of an onion and denial tends to sort of go away in those layers one layer at a time.
It's not, not a black or white issue, and it doesn't go away in an all or nothing kind of way. So. One of the big signs that someone's in denial is that they [00:01:00] minimize the problem. So sometimes people realize that, yes, there is a problem here. Maybe I drink too much or I use too much. So there's some level of understanding, but they really minimize it.
They can use almost anything to minimize it. They can say, ~um, ~they can compare, they can talk about all the other good things they do. They can talk about how, ~um. ~It doesn't always go badly. Those are just different ways that people minimize it. They may say things like, it's not that bad, or I only drink socially, or ~even, ~even when their behavior suggests otherwise, they'll, they'll sort of minimize it.
They'll make it less of a big deal to you and to themselves. Now you gotta remember, denial has to do with like a psychological defense mechanism. So. When I'm talking about denial, I'm talking about sort of lying to yourself more than, I mean lying to someone else because there is a point where people are out of denial and they realize it a lot more than they'll let [00:02:00] on, so they might not admit it to someone else.
This is about admitting it to yourself. Another sign that someone is in denial is that they may rationalize their behavior. So one of the things ~that, ~that I see people do a lot is ~I. ~They may hit some sort of bottom or, you know, a consequence happens, something bad happens related to their substance use.
And you think, especially when I say you, I mean like as in the family member or an outsider looking in, might think that they're gonna wake up, they're gonna see it like, oh my gosh, you got a DUI. Oh my gosh, this really bad thing happened. You know? It might seem obvious on the outside, but it's really easy to rationalize any one instance ~incidents, ~even a really bad one.
Well, that only happened because, well, that was just because this person was there. That was because I got Overserved. That was because it was Super Bowl Sunday. You know, there's always a reason why that one thing happen and what really keeps someone in denial when they're doing this is [00:03:00] that, yes, any. One bad thing could happen to most people, even people that don't have an alcohol problem, but they don't connect the dots to how many bad things have happened.
Okay, sure. Yeah. This one thing could happen to anybody, but could this thing and this thing and this thing and this thing and this thing happen? Probably not. Now. As soon as I'm saying that, there's a voice in my head saying. To tell you guys if you are listening to this 'cause you have a loved one, in denial, I am not telling you these to use as a weapon against your loved one.
We are gonna get to the idea about, you know what to do about this. And it's definitely not to point out these things that I'm pointing out to you. Don't do it. That's a mistake. You're gonna make the denial worse. ~If you do wanna talk about why that is a big one is just avoiding conversations about it.~
How many of you have a loved one who. Like, we'll just do anything to avoid the conversation. They either just avoid you altogether or they start an argument or they flip it back on you, or they use some other kind of manipulation tactic, but they all, they just get squirm me if the [00:04:00] conversation comes up at all.
You guys know what I'm talking about. Put a little hand emoji in the comments. If you have been on either side of this, either you've done this yourself or you have witnessed this yourself. They will, oftentimes, people in denial will compare themselves to other people, meaning compare themselves to someone whose problem is a lot worse than theirs.
And it's a way of saying, see, I'm still over here on the good side of the fence. Well, at least I'm not doing X, Y, and Z. At least I never did this. You know, at least I'm not like your brother Jack or whatever. And so ~you're, ~you're trying to get yourself convinced that it's not that bad of a problem because Eve's not got to.
~X, Y, Z level. ~This is really important one to think about here because if you have someone who's in denial and you try to push them to go to like AA or NA or treatment or some kind of ~like ~group addiction help situation. That's a bad [00:05:00] idea. 'cause I promise you what they're gonna do is they're gonna go in there and they're gonna listen to all the other stories and they're gonna be specifically listening for how these other people's problems are way worse than their problems.
And how these other people did things way worse than they did. And it's actually gonna make their denial even more. If you've got someone going into those meetings who's not in denial or at least is. Somewhat insightful. Then they listen for other things. They listen for. Yeah. How they can relate to someone else or how they feel the same as someone else.
So that creates connection and relating. But when someone is in denial and they're actively resisting the idea of like. Acknowledging something to themselves, they're gonna use that as a way to stay further in denial. So don't push someone to go into any high group addiction, anything too early. It will backfire on you.
And not only will that happen, but once they do start getting, you know, the denial starts to lift and they start considering you know what they should do, what maybe they could help or not help, they're gonna [00:06:00] have in the back of their head, well, I already tried that. That didn't work. Now it didn't work because.
They weren't open to it if they didn't want it to work, but they're gonna have that in their head. So it's sort of like a double backfire. So be careful with that one. ~Um, ~hiding or concealing ~is, is a pretty, ~is a pretty big one. And this one's interesting 'cause you might think if someone's hiding it or concealing it, wouldn't they recognize that that's a problem?
Like if, if you're having to hide something, it's probably something wrong going on here. Not necessarily because when someone's hiding or concealing it, almost always in that situation, they're telling themselves that the reason they're doing it is because they're, whoever that lives with them is just an overreactor and makes a big deal about it.
And the reason they're hiding it isn't because they have a problem, but because the other person has a problem with it. So it's not just denial about alcohol or. Addiction, whatever. It's denial about all [00:07:00] the behaviors that come with it. ~Um, ~another thing that you'll see when people are in denial is that they'll focus on their functionality.
They'll say, well. I see this one all the time. I still go to work every day. You know, I made $300,000 last year. I don't know how I could possibly have a problem. You know, I'm fine. I support you. And they'll say things or feel things like that. Or I take care of this whole house, I take care of the kids. I cook you every meal.
~How can I possibly have a problem? ~So they'll focus on areas ~that they'll, ~that they're functioning. And ~what's, ~what's interesting about that, and I've heard this so many times. When people come outta denial and they're just being real with me and being honest with me, they'll say, ~you know, I, ~they'll purposely do things that are very functional and very helpful so that they can either drink while they do those things.
~Like, ~like maybe they always cook dinner, but it's 'cause they drink. ~When they cook dinner, ~they always mow the wine, but it's because they drink when they mow the lawn. So ~they're, it's, ~it's almost like a cover thing. And in addition to the fact that it's like a cover story, it also helps [00:08:00] them to feel good or better about the fact that they're drinking.
Like I've heard a lot of times, ~like, ~people talk to me about drinking and then they'll say, ~and ~I would go to the gym every day because in my mind, as long as I was going to the gym every day ~then, ~then I was still doing really good. ~I have had, ~I have worked with people ~who, ~who are Ironman, do you know what Ironman is?
It's like. The marathon race, that's like a triple, it's like the running, the swimming, the biking that literally trained and trained other people to do that and was full-fledged alcoholic. So yes, you can be super physically active. And still have an alcohol problem. That is definitely a thing, and they will blame others.
Usually the person who's pointing it out to them is gonna be the first target of who's gonna get blamed. These are all, this is not all the signs of them, but all of these things. If you're seeing these things and you're probably dealing with someone in some level of denial. Now, like I said, [00:09:00] sometimes people will deny it to you.
~'cause they just don't wanna admit it out loud ~'cause they have some ambivalence about it. They're not sure what they wanna do about it. But you can kind of tell when someone's just trying to convince you and when someone's trying to convince themselves. And ~that's, ~that's when you're dealing with true real denial.
Now, when it comes to alcoholic denial, specifically someone who is a functional alcoholic, you have a double whammy of a roadblock to get through here. Two huge ones. Firstly, the fact that they're still functioning in most areas of their life is gonna continue to give this person the impression that they're fine, and especially when the situation is, is that like their spouse or their parent or ~the ~this one other person is really the only place that they feel grief about their drinking or drug use, then they really do feel like they don't have a problem.
~I guess they say they do have a problem. ~Their problem is you, not the substance [00:10:00] use or whatever. ~Um, if, ~if it's only coming from you, and usually it's gonna come from that person who lives with you first and foremost, long before it comes from anywhere else. Like most alcoholics, especially ~if, ~if someone became an alcoholic when they were really young, this might not apply.
But if someone was ~like ~an adult already kind of functioning when they became an alcoholic. They'll work and function at work forever, for years and years and years. ~Like ~the last place it's gonna impact is their work. And in their mind, ~I, ~they go to work every day. ~And ~one of the things about alcoholics is when you drink, ~you, ~you end up needing to drink or take a sleeping pill or something like that to go to sleep.
'cause your body gets so dependent on the central nervous system depressant to be able to go to sleep. But the problem ~is, ~is that ~once you're, ~once you go to sleep, your liver ~is, ~is processing all of that alcohol out, and then you wake up at some ungodly time in the morning. I call the middle of the night, you know, like three or four or five [00:11:00] o'clock in the morning and your head is racing because now you're having that rebound effect from the alcohol.
But here's how it works. And when you're in denial, like, what are you talking about? I'm up at 5:00 AM I've done this and that and the other. And again, it just. They don't, they don't usually know that. ~That's why they're in that cycle of waking up. ~They just see it as a, Hey, I'm up before everybody else in the house whatcha talking about?
Like, I got it. I'm good. So you've got the denial that's coming from the fact that they're functioning and it's easy to think that really their problem is just this one person or maybe a couple of people in their life and not necessarily the drinking. So that's. One big roadblock you have when dealing with a functional alcoholic.
The other big roadblock that you have when dealing with someone who's a functional alcoholic is that alcoholism particularly, and this is kind of different than other addictions, is the denial when it, when it comes to this is deeper. [00:12:00] And the reason it's deeper is because when it comes to alcohol, you don't remember.
Sometimes at all, and other times maybe you sort of remember, but you don't accurately remember what happened and how you behaved and what all went down. And so it's really easy to feel like everyone else around you is overreacting when you don't remember it the same way they remember it. I mean, in, in their mind you are a train wreck, like it was a disaster.
~And. ~Your mind if you're the person with the alcohol problem. It's like, okay, so what? I got grumpy. I said some things, but you know what? I've been thinking them and, and you know, my loved ones, they just get mad when I say things that I really think they just want me to play nice. That's the way they'll see it.
They don't remember it, ~um, ~the way that you remember it. ~And so that makes their denial. ~And you might be thinking to yourself, well, and I've had people do this plenty of times. Well, I'm just gonna record them and show it to them. I've seen that actually work [00:13:00] and I've seen that backfire. So you need to think long and hard before you do something like that about your loved one's personality.
~Like are they the kind of person that can. ~Having enough humility to say, yeah, oh my gosh, that was terrible. Wow, I can't believe that. ~You know, ~or are they the kind of person that's gonna just get really mad at you and get super defensive and dig their heels in even further? Think hard before you do that.
So you've got those two major roadblocks. The fact that they're still functional. Leads them to an inaccurate picture of the situation. And with alcoholism, ~like I said, if it, ~if it develops later in life, those people hold it together for a long time. Now, sometimes when people develop alcoholism really young, before they really had ~like ~good adulting skills to begin with, you'll see the non functionality come in a lot faster because ~they didn't, ~they never had those skills to begin with.
So it's just really hard to do those. [00:14:00] In counseling world, you call 'em activities of daily living. You know, just get up your hygiene, pay your bills, get to work on time, find a job, ~you know, ~taking care of all your responsibilities, what I call adulting. They sometimes ~they ~just don't acquire those skills because the drinking became problematic before they had those skills.
But like I said, if it happens later. Once you've learned to do those things, you can sort of do those things in your sleep. They're like background things and so people can continue to do those and look on the surface like they're doing really well for a very long time. Most of the time, alcoholism takes years to get ahold of someone, and so because it can get a hold of you slowly, it's just really hard to tell the real and true impact.
~It's this really happened on your life, and like I said, ~it's gonna impact your primary relationship first. The people that are closest to you are going to see it first, and then those people are gonna start saying things to you and then that is gonna make you feel [00:15:00] defensive and dig your heels in even further into denial.
It's really interesting because, ~um, ~sometimes when I deal with people who don't live with someone else. They figure out that they have an alcohol problem much faster than the ones that are like married or in the house with other people because ~they don't have, they don't have to distract, ~they don't have any distraction to either blame or just to ~like ~be defensive to, they got nowhere else to look.
And I think too, because they don't have any, ~um, ~other person there to help hold the floodgates back. ~It, ~it escalates really quickly, ~um, ~because there's nothing there. You know, when you have a partner who's on your case about it, that will slow you down to some degree. I mean, I know you're hiding it and you're doing a lot more than they think that you're doing, but ~it, ~it makes you have to hold it together, ~you know, ~a little bit.
But when you don't have someone there, not only does the problem. Build up on you a lot faster, but you actually see it a lot [00:16:00] faster too because like I said, you don't have that distraction, that other place to blame. ~And the ~the reason I know this is because I've been helping people with this problem for 20 something years, and when they come in the door and they have had a loved one that's pushing them to come in the door, that's the only thing that they're focused on is this loved one.
That's how hope for families came to be because of this. Specific dynamic, which is a major roadblock, if not the roadblock, to helping someone come to terms with what the issue is. And that's not because it's the loved one's fault. The loved one's reaction to the problem is very, very valid and very natural and normal.
And it comes from a place of love. Like, I love you. ~I, ~I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to get you to see that, you know, you're in danger here. You're headed. For the cliff and they're trying to get you to stop. So of course you're gonna respond that way. It's just that it, when you deals with addiction, it backfires when you deal it with, [00:17:00] when you deal with it that way.
So when it comes to breaking through someone's denial, one of the key factors here is that. They have to experience uncomfortableness that does not come from you and cannot be traced back to you in any way, either valid or not. So for example, if someone else in their life gets mad at 'em, but it's someone that you, and when I say you, I mean the family member has a good relationship with whether it's like a family member or the kids a friend or something like that.
Then they'll say that that person's met them because you turned them against them. So it, it has to be something that cannot be traced back to you. ~Um, ~and that, that's hard because a lot of times those are bigger consequences. You know, that might mean I really screwed up at work. That might mean [00:18:00] losing a job.
That might mean legal charge. That might mean losing friendships ~and as. ~A family member or someone who really loves you is it's gonna be really hard to let that happen. It's natural to wanna ~like ~keep you from burning those major bridges. But the problem is, is that if you're keeping someone from burning those major bridges, then again they see you as the problem because in their mind that's where their difficulties are coming from.
They're coming from you. So it cannot come from you ~if, ~if. Someone at church is coming up to them and talking to them about their drinking problem or drug problem or whatever, and they think rightfully or wrongly that you put them up to it, it's gonna be bad. Not only is it gonna make their denial worse, but that's one of those things that I have found people really struggle to get over with, like more than anything else because it's, it feels humiliating.
And they feel like it's [00:19:00] disloyal. And if you stop to think about it, you can kind of understand why that is. Like, think for a second. If you had a big, major problem in your life, something that's maybe like embarrassing that you're not proud of, and your closest person to you was going around talking to other people about it.
When you think about it that way, you could see why someone would be. Like super angry about that and have a really hard time getting over that and ~focus on, again, ~focus on you as being the problem and not even see that those other relationships are being impacted because sometimes it doesn't come from you.
Sometimes they just pin it on you. I see this a lot when it comes to like children. ~Um, ~whether they're children, children or adult children, you know, when the children start to get upset with you, they'll blame the other parent. They'll say, well, it's 'cause you turn 'em against me. It's 'cause you're always telling 'em all this critical, terrible, mean stuff about me or whatever.
But a lot of times it's not coming from the family member, it's really coming from the other person, but they're blaming [00:20:00] it on you. It could be because in the past you have made statements or comments or talked to someone else about it, and when family members do that, they're usually not trying to throw you under the bus.
They're not trying to like be disloyal or go against your back. They're literally desperate to get through to you. ~And ~they're not having any luck, so they start trying to recruit other people to get through to you. And that could be other friends, family members, it could be the kids, it could be the church members, it could be your best friend.
Sometimes ~I, ~I get questions from family members, like, ~should I, um, ~should I call up his best friend and let his best friend know what's really going on? And maybe his best friend could talk to him and I say. No, I really don't think you should. Now, if that best friend reaches out to you, okay, that's a different situation.
But ~if, I mean, that's just, ~that's just tricky territory because not only can it turn it on you with your loved one that has a problem a lot of times, these other people [00:21:00] that you're trying to reach out to, they won't believe you and it'll feed into the narrative that your loved one's been telling 'em, which is your crazy controlling critical negative.
Complainy lunatic control freak, which is what they've been telling the people around them. So when you start going to do that, they then they start to be like, oh yeah, I can see that. And so ~it, ~it almost like proves ~the case, ~the case that your loved one is trying to set up. ~So, ~and then that's really hurtful.
I see that happen most when like someone's partner or their spouse has a problem and they can't seem to get through to them and they're just not getting anywhere. What they'll do is they'll try to go to the in-laws, they'll try to go to their alcoholic partner's, parents thinking, I need some help here.
This is your kid. Like, get on board. Or sometimes it's because the, the parents or the person are like enabling them and, and you as the partner, you're really upset and you're frustrated about that, and so you're trying to get them to stop enabling. [00:22:00] Let me tell you that almost 100% backfired. Like, would you try to tell someone something bad about their kid that they don't want to see?
Like, you know, your mama and your daddy, they're gonna think the best in you longer than anyone else. Now sometimes ~if that problem, ~if that problem began before you came into the picture, then ~the parents might, ~the in-laws might be aware of it. Like if they had to deal with it on their watch at any point and they saw it for themselves, that might work actually.
But if that problem, if they're not really aware of that problem, these parents and you try to go to them about that and they're your in-laws, man, that's gonna backfire on you. 'cause they're gonna take their kids' side. I just, I promise you, like if this has happened to you, let me know that in the comments below because what you don't.
Realize that's been happening behind the scenes is these [00:23:00] in-laws been kind of going against you because again, our alcoholic addict, loved one, has been telling 'em that you're critical and you're never happy and you're trying to control them. So they're sort of secretly behind the scenes kind of like already aligned against you.
And then when you try to come and tell them things that they don't want to hear and don't wanna know, like they're in denial. And don't, I'm telling you people don't do that. Like that's not gonna go well and ~what, ~what the, what the in-laws are gonna do, they're gonna swoop in and enable their kid about 20 times more because now they feel really sorry for them for having to put up with such a mean critical meanie pants.
I mean, ~it's just, ~it's just what it is. ~Like I, I don't know. I'm trying to think if I can remember a time when that went well. ~The only times that I can think of that that went well, like telling the in-laws, is when the in-laws already knew that there was a problem because the problem started before you, the partner came along.
If the problem started after you, the partner came along and they don't live with the parents anymore, they live with you. They're [00:24:00] don't have that front row seat. They're not like looking at it like you're looking at it. They're very likely to blame you ~sucks, doesn't it? Like I feel terrible saying it.~
~But it just is what it is. ~So you cannot break through someone's denial that way. You can't break through denial directly because denial's a protective, psychological mechanism. If you are trying to come at someone directly, it's just gonna make them put up more protection. There are ways to get through to someone in denial, but those are not the ways to do it.
You can't do it. It doesn't really work to do it directly yourself. It definitely doesn't do well to recruit other people. Now, a lot of times when it comes to this recruiting thing, people have a question about, well, like I need support for myself. You know, I need someone to talk to, and I agree with that.
You do. But don't go to your alcoholic loved ones, people as your support. Don't go to their best friend about it, okay? ~If you're gonna go to your best friend about it, all right? ~But don't go to their best friend about it. [00:25:00] Don't go to their family member about it. Now, if those people come to you, like I said, that's different.
But you don't go and try to recruit someone on their side 'cause it's just, they're just gonna get really mad at you. I'm telling you, and I have seen it in multiple incidences where a person got clean and sober and they just couldn't get over that the whole relationship falls apart because they couldn't get past the fact that you did that.
~They're just so, they just hang on to that. And I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is what it, ~so you have to find your loved ones motivators because believe it or not, there is a piece of them that does want to change. And there are things you can do to pull that forward, but you're going to have to.
Present them with a more appealing option than trying to get someone to think they have this big, giant problem. ~I mean, who wants to come to terms with that? I mean, that kind of sucks, right? And, ~and you do it in a way that's not a easy pill to swallow. ~That might be a bad metaphor, but y'all know what I mean, like, ~and you're selling them on the idea what you're trying to sell them on is that they need treatment or they need help.
Like there's just nothing about that's [00:26:00] appealing. You're gonna have to wrap up your, ~like, ~appeal. You're gonna wrap up your influence in a totally different way. ~And, um, ~there are lots of videos on this channel about how to do it. We talk about how to do it on this channel, but ~we are, ~I am doing a five day ~like ~challenge next week where we're gonna go really deep into these things.
We're gonna talk specifically about how to identify your loved one's, internal motivators, which are there, how to identify their ~like ~hidden roadblocks about why they might be protecting themselves against seeing it. How to sort of grow those motivators. ~It's, it's, ~it's like all the psychological tricks of how to get through to someone, but it's not direct and it's not by going through someone else, ~it, ~it doesn't even work to try to ~like, ~make them go to a counselor and make the counselor tell 'em that ~that happens me all the time.~
It's like, okay, I'm gonna drag 'em in there to see Amber and then she's gonna [00:27:00] like lay, lay it out to them and they're just gonna know because she's got like degrees on the wall. Trust me, those degrees do not give me any more credibility than you. In fact, they might make me lose credibility. So can I get someone to see the problem?
Yes. But I won't do it in the way that you think I should do it. And it won't happen as fast as you think I should do it ~because, ~because I'm gonna spend the first bunch of weeks just trying to get 'em to stop focusing on you. If you bring them to me in that kind of state, which for most of my career has been how people have come.
And that's a good thing because that's how I've learned the, the sort of tricks and strategies on how to get around those defense mechanisms and get through to someone. All right, we are about to the point where we're gonna take some questions. Bri is back. We missed you last week, Bri. ~Um, ~so if you have questions, comments, join the conversation, tell me about how this happened to you.
Go ahead and put them up here around glass. I [00:28:00] don't see them. I usually have glasses hidden everywhere. So Brie, if you'll put 'em on the screen, I'll see if I can read 'em without my glasses. ~Um, ~if you wanna do the motivation unlock challenge next week. The link to that is in the description and I will put it in the comments too after we get off the live.
I don't, I'll remember to do that for you guys. But we're gonna be learning some things in there that I haven't taught before, and we're gonna do, it's gonna be like a deep dive. So you're gonna have to come like ready to like, okay, we're doing this. All right. Haw says, what do you do when the alcoholic stops tending to their hygiene and they physically start to look sick?
Thanks to me, that's a sign that someone's moving into non-functioning. ~Um, ~because hygiene, that's a real basic. Activity of daily living, right? Like shower, brush your teeth, brush your hair, you know, basic, I mean, okay, they don't have to put on like a full face of makeup, right? But when what you're saying is they're not dealing with [00:29:00] their hygiene, to me, that's a sign that they're moving into non-functional.
And usually once someone gets to non-functional denial really isn't your problem. ~Um, ~in fact, the problem at that point is much bigger. 'cause sometimes it's acceptance. Denial is actually good news people, because denial means someone doesn't want to have this problem, which is great news. So you're actually in good position when dealing with someone in denial, dealing with someone that's this far gone.
~My, ~my guess ~is, ~is that they're not in denial anymore. So ~what, ~what you have to do sometimes in that situation is ~you, you, you have to ~push harder. That's the kind of situation if it's kind of like, I'm imagining when I read this. ~That ~however you can get them into treatment, go for it. Whether that's, ~you know, like ~an old school intervention or you leveraged into it or they got a legal charge and they had to go.
But the key there is, is if you're gonna get 'em to go, they gotta go long enough for it to work. ~Um, so ~I would probably take a more direct approach if it's to that point that they're high, like they're literally not taking care of [00:30:00] themselves at all. That's pretty far down.
Dale says, I feel I need to tell my partner's mother and sister that we are separated because of her drinking. My wife says, that's not my place. They live out of state. Am I betraying them? By keeping it a secret,
~I mean. You're, I'm, I'm thinking this through for you, Dale. ~I'm like, 10 things are going through my head. The first thing that went through my head is don't do it. 'cause it doesn't go well. Okay. That was my first thought. My second thought is if you're already separated from this person and you don't think you're gonna get back together, then you don't really have that much sleep.
~So there's that right. ~Then if I were talking to you in real life, dad, I would ask you about the mother and the sister. And I would say, okay, like what's the situation there? How likely are they to even listen to you or hear you? And I would ask you, what do you think that your partner has already told them about you?
Like, what are we dealing with here? So I would wanna know all that first, and I would just tell you that. ~Your, ~your partner ~is not, ~is not gonna like, it's gonna [00:31:00] go bad. So if you do that, just realize like you're blowing it up. But there is a point that you don't care if you blow it up, like you're already separated from them.
They already hate you. They're already mad at you, and you're just trying to get 'em help. If that's the situation, go for it.
~All right, here we go. ~When I'm looking at these, like it's all blurry. It's so crazy. I'm like, I hope, I hope I'm like reading these. Right. My husband has admitted to me that he believes he needs help with his addiction. Ooh, nice. That's a big change talk. I ask him if he would like to talk to his mom, and she may have options for him that would work for him, but he doesn't want her to know.
His drinking got worse. Should I talk to her myself on the chance that we might be able to get him some help that he wants or needs? She is aware of his addiction.
I, my gut says, don't do that. 'cause again, they're just gonna get furious. I mean, I'm, I'm just telling you, I just haven't seen that go very [00:32:00] well. ~So, ~so in this case, the one you're describing, Sarah, is the mom might believe you and it sounds like ~your part, your, ~your person, they, they actually know that, it sounds like the mom is aware of the problem and that your partner doesn't want the mom to know that it's still going on.
Got worse. So maybe it's like they've been telling a different story is what it sounds. Is there, is there a reason why you need the mom involved, like. ~Like, I can't remember. ~Did you say you guys are married? Like, does the mom have the insurance? Like, is there a reason why you need the mom to be the one to present the options?
Because if, if he's telling you, I need some help, and you can find some options. I mean, present them, you don't, you don't even need mom to put her stamp on 'em unless like, maybe like you need, like maybe moms could financially help with some treatment or something like that. That would be a different story.
~Um, ~so. I don't think it's gonna go over well with your loved one, so I want you to weigh that out carefully. I'm, I'm telling you, it just goes bad. I know it's not fair, but it does.
~Honey says glasses are behind you. They are where?~
~Um, glasses. Oh, you put 'em under the door. Okay. I got.~
[00:33:00] Thank you. Thank you, Donnie. ~All right. That's so much better. See it. ~All right. New question. Do you have maybe some advice on how parents can put their foot down on a child who is about to turn 18 and beginning to go down a path of alcoholism? This is a really good question. You're going to have to put down your foot, not particularly on the alcoholism, but more particularly on the adulting.
What you're gonna have to do is you're gonna have to take the safety net out from under him so that he can see, or she, he or she can see how the alcohol is impacting them. Because again, just like I was saying before, ~if, ~if the only negative information they're getting is coming from you, they will see you as the problem.
~And, ~and especially an 18-year-old who, ~you know, ~has ~like ~no insight anyway. I mean, they're 18, ~like, you know, ~you think you know everything, but you don't. That's how we are 18. So. ~Um, so what you, ~what you wanna do in Campbell, ~our, um, ~one of our family coaches is ~really, actually, she's the one that's of us that's ~really the best at this because she's been through this a couple times with her own sons.
~Um, is, ~is [00:34:00] sort of not all at once, but kind of taper back the ways that you're keeping them afloat. And that can be sort of financially, logistically. ~Um, ~emotionally, and that doesn't mean like you're mad at them, like love withdrawal. That's not it at all. But what you're trying to do is get them to see the discrepancy between their functioning level of where they're functioning at and where they should be functioning at so that they can see the problem.
You're not gonna be able to just tell them the problem directly and get 'em to see it. In fact, if you do that, it's gonna make them less likely to.
Patricia says. I've been talking with Campbell. My son came back today, says he's ready to go to treatment, but needed to sleep before he'd call Adam at purple. Doesn't want to go today, says he'll go tomorrow. I know I should have booked a flight for this afternoon, but he's a 39-year-old man. Can I force this flight for him today?
I'm exhausted. I, I don't, I don't know. Your son is your son. If he's the [00:35:00] type. If you pushed and you said, get your butt on that plane. If you get on the plane, then just push it because, 'cause this is not denial. This person already knows this is, this is just like getting cold feet. And it's a normal, natural process.
But the longer it goes on, ~um, ~the more they're gonna back out of it. ~And, ~and that goes for almost anybody. I mean, it's kind of like scary. I always say it's like standing at the top at the high dive. You don't wanna stand up there and think about it. You wanna jump? First of all, I wouldn't even climb the high dive, but if I was already up there, if I spent too long and I was looking around, I definitely wouldn't jump.
And ~that's what's, ~that's what's going on here. ~So, um, if, ~if he's the kind of person that if you say, get your butt on that plane right now, or else, then say that, ~um, ~or you can say, ~um, ~okay, well ~we're gonna, ~we're gonna fly down there and we're gonna book a hotel and you're gonna go tomorrow or whatever.
~Get 'em closer to it or something. Yep. ~Cam would know better 'cause she knows your story. But that's my guess Christina says is this denial. They admit they have a drinking problem. They say they need to stop. They even have liver problems, but won't go more [00:36:00] than a few days without, they just continue to be sad about it.
~Mm. ~This might be a kind of denial, I guess. The denial, meaning that they. They might be in denial that they can get out of this like that they can fix the problem. 'cause what this tells me is this person is dependent and they probably need detox. And the reason I'm saying that is because they're acknowledging they have a problem and they're not just saying they need to cut back, they're saying they need to stop.
So that's a big acknowledgement. So they're aware of the problem. They try to, oh, and the fact they have liver damage. I mean that's a big signal too. ~And they try to, but they don't make it more than a few days ~when someone doesn't make it more than a few days. A lot of times that's because withdrawal is getting too bad, like day two and three of withdrawal are like the worst.
So when people can't seem to get over that hump, it's usually an indicator to me that they need some like medical help to do that. What I would do is get them to talk to their doctor about it, and if their doctor can't help them, you know, then talk about doing a detox or something like that, my guess is they're trapped in dependency [00:37:00] more than they're trapped in denial.
Jen says, my loved one keeps saying it's just boredom and a habit thing, not addiction, and it helps him fall asleep. Any advice on getting through that denial? Oh, this is classic Jen. This is classic minimizing, right? Minimizing it's boredom. It's a habit. So there's some level of, okay, I am doing it too much, but it's just a bad habit.
~Um, ~and that it helps him fall asleep. So what you wanna do is you don't wanna come in trying to convince this person that it's addiction. What you wanna do is you wanna take, I call it, you know, like go through the side door and. Start working on, can you help 'em see that doing whatever they're doing, I don't know if it's like smoking or drinking or whatever it is, isn't really helping them feel less bored.
Right. And maybe their sleep's getting worse, ~so, ~so what they have to see first is that this thing isn't as helpful as they think. [00:38:00] And you're gonna have to be creative ~about, ~about how you do that, do it sort of indirectly and not necessarily directly.
~Um, ster. Plunk. That's a fun profile name. Okay. ~My loved one just got hired at a job that let him go two years ago. The boss is aware of his drinking issues. Is it worth it to mention to my loved one that he should probably stay sober for work this time? No. It's gonna be like a slap in the face that's gonna be like, that's just gonna, like, even when I read that in my head, and I know you probably don't mean it that way, but in my head I like, I read that sarcastically, like, you should probably stay sober for, for work this time.
You know, like with like the high up eyebrows in the sarcasm, that is gonna come across like a jab. What I would do is say. Hey, I think it's great. You really like that job, like this is a good opportunity for you. And so what you're doing in that sense is you're pointing out, Hey, this is a good opportunity for you.
And that's raising their awareness that they should take advantage of this opportunity. ~And that's the kinda example of what I mean when I say do it indirectly. ~You don't have [00:39:00] to, don't say the word drinking, don't say the word alcohol, and definitely don't say, you should probably stay sober this time.
Like that's sort of like a given and it's just gonna feel. Like a smart casting remark. I think so. I say no, don't do that.
~Um, ~Jay Work Mobile says, loved one, sent manipulation messages after set an ultimatum because of delusion. Plus, my pregnancy did not reply because I do not feel safe, feel like sabotage to avoid us. He never asked about birth two years ago. Denial. There's a lot here. Jay, I'm sorting through this because you're saying, the reason I'm saying this is a lot 'cause you're separated, I'm gathering, ~um, ~you, when you say ultimatum, it makes me think that you said either get clean or else I'm gone and you were pregnant at the time.
And then when you say the word delusion, I don't know what substance they're using, but ~it it, ~it makes me think that it was probably like marijuana [00:40:00] or a stimulant because those are related to delusions. ~Um, ~and that they, they're in delusion about it and they don't feel safe. So your question is, is that denial?
Yeah, probably. It kind of, ~it ~goes into the one of like the blame or the focus on someone else. So yeah. Is it denial? Yeah, probably. But if someone's delusional, that's just a whole nother level. If they're like really delusional, like clinically delusional, not like. I always say like end stage addiction is always sort of delusional because it's not seeing reality the way you see reality.
But that's different than having like a real specific delusion, like, I think that you did X, Y, or Z, or I think these people are after me. Or I think you know, something that's like, like a storyline, a whole thing that's a different, and if you don't feel safe, safety first. ~You guys, I hadn't said this in a while, so I'm glad you're mentioning this.~
~So let me say it again. I. ~Everything I say goes out the door when safety's an issue. Okay? Safety comes first before any before. [00:41:00] What's therapeutic And what I say is what I consider what's therapeutic. Safety comes before that. So you deal with what's safe, and if it's safe situation, then you can move into these.
Think of it like triaging. ~I don't, ~I don't necessarily, ~I don't ~think you did the wrong thing, but this person may be in denial. All right guys, we are to the end of our time. You had ~great, ~great questions today. If you have a functioning addict or alcoholic in your life, check out the link to, ~um, ~motivation Unlocked.
It's happening next week. It's gonna be live, like I'm gonna be right here with you. We're gonna do it together. We're gonna identify these things so you get a real game plan going, ~um, ~and it's gonna be good. I think you're gonna get a lot out of it. So all that, and there's other links, ~um, ~if you need other resources.
I'll see you guys next week. Bye everybody.
