Addiction, Abuse, and the Courage to Let Go: A Personal Story of Healing and Hope

Dear Amber,

 My story begins nine years ago. I was a 45-year-old divorced woman who had been single for five years. I dated a few men during that time but was emotionally unstable and drinking a lot of wine. Though I was friends with my ex-spouse, and we had two wonderful grown children, I had never fully healed from the divorce. I thought we were building a spectacular life together - we met in art school at 21, got married, had kids, and started a joint business that did really well. Life was magical.

That is until I found out on our last anniversary that my then-husband had been massively unfaithful for our entire marriage. One of his five girlfriends had posted about it on social media, outing him on my page. She was enraged because she was tracking our relationship on Facebook. My whole world fell apart in an instant. We were home when I confronted him, and he turned into a different person, laughing and mocking me, calling me stupid, and saying he'd had many affairs for years. He then shoved me brutally into a bush and left.

I was devastated, alone, and suicidal. My teenage kids were in away that summer. I drank heavily, cried all day, and stopped eating. I reached out for help with sobriety and recovery at that point, realizing I had become a functional alcoholic, drinking 1-3 bottles of wine per day, often as "me time" after a long day. The trauma of the divorce and betrayal was the catalyst for me to face my addiction.

Fast forward 5 years - I had moved to another state to escape the memories and stalking by my ex-husband's many girlfriends. My adult kids came with me, and we made a fresh start, albeit a difficult one. I joined a dating app and met a man.  He was quite a bit younger, but we really hit it off - he was mellow, handsome, a homebody, and also an artist. I told him I was sober, with 3 years under my belt at that point. He admitted he wasn't sober and was struggling with addiction, including marijuana use. In my hopeful love for this new relationship, I overlooked the red flags.

We dated for two years, breaking up a couple of times due to my trust issues from the trauma of the previous marriage. I didn't want to lose him, so I got some help but didn't fully address my trust and abandonment wounds. After two years, we moved in together and committed to building a life together.

But within a year, his drinking and drug use had escalated dramatically. He was going through at least two 6-packs a day, as well as hard liquor with friends. He lost multiple jobs due to his intoxication. I realized he was also severely depressed, spending hours in the attic or shed, drunk and high, then coming home to verbally abuse me for hours. The verbal abuse eventually turned into physical violence - he would grab my face, shove me into walls, kick me while I slept, threaten to kill us both, and more. This would happen repeatedly, with him apologizing and promising to get sober, only for the cycle to repeat.

I became a caretaker, not a partner, trying desperately to manage his rages, find him food he could stomach, and pay all the bills as he blew his money on alcohol and drugs. I was a prisoner in my own home, afraid to leave in case he harmed himself. I tried to get him psychiatric help, believing he had underlying mental health issues, but nothing seemed to break the cycle of addiction and violence.

The final straw came when I suddenly lost my job and suffered a catastrophic injury, needing constant care. My partner, who had been doing better, ended up attacking me while I was defenseless. His family called the police, and he was arrested. Having a no-contact order in place for the past three months, as difficult as this is, has forced me to look at my codependency. I haven't seen or spoken to him in three months, and the district attorney is pressing charges against him.

Detaching from this relationship is harder than detoxing from alcohol. I grieve the loss of my partner, whom I still love, but I know I must focus on my healing.

Looking back, I realize that in my attempts to "fix" my partner and help him get sober, I may have actually enabled the cycle of addiction and violence. I want people to know that t if they have any scrap of hope for their loved one, the best approach is the Invisible  Intervention.

Don't try to reason with them or fix the problem yourself - this can lead to further enmeshment. Instead, disengage entirely and let them face the consequences of their actions. As hard as it is to admit, if I had gotten out of the way and not spoken or tried to reason or help or fix, it's possible a different outcome, possibly sobriety, could have been achieved. This is not to say I caused any of this - the responsibility lies solely with my partner and his untreated addictions. But I now see how my codependent behaviors may have prolonged the cycle.

I still have hope that one day, with continued sobriety and healing for both of us, we may be able to rebuild a healthy relationship. But for now, my focus must be on my own recovery, setting firm boundaries, and learning to detach with love. I hope my experience can provide guidance to others facing similar situations with a loved one in the throes of addiction.

 --Anonymous

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