Addicts Blaming Others | A Detailed Guide On WHY & HOW To Deal With It

addiciton recovery addicted loved one addiction & recovery education amber ai Apr 22, 2025

The Real Reason You Can’t Get Through to Your Addicted Loved One — And What Actually Works

If you’re watching your loved one spiral deeper into addiction while still showing up to work, paying some bills, or pretending “everything’s fine,” you’re in the hardest place to be: the messy middle. That gray area where they’re just functional enough to stay in denial, but deep in the cycle of substance use.

You’ve likely begged. You’ve threatened. You’ve cried. You’ve prayed. You’ve tried everything... and it still feels like you're losing them.

The truth? It’s not that your loved one can’t recover — it’s that the way you’re trying to help isn’t working. But there’s good news: there’s a better way, and it starts with getting out of the “bad guy” role.

Why Your Efforts Haven’t Worked (Yet)

Let’s break down the hard truth: most families unintentionally push their loved one further away by trying to force awareness, rush the recovery process, or confront them with shame. Here's what that usually looks like:

Constantly pointing out consequences or collecting “proof” of their addiction
Getting trapped in arguments and power struggles
Playing both roles: enabler and critic
Being seen as the enemy, not the ally

It’s like trying to cure someone’s fear of snakes by throwing one at them. They don’t see it as help — they see it as a threat. And the more threatened they feel, the more they retreat into addiction.

Step 1: Get Out of the Bad Guy Role

Whether you’re yelling, nagging, fixing their problems, or both, it’s time to step back. Your loved one needs to see their own problem without you clouding the view.

Even well-intentioned help (like paying bills or covering up mistakes) can accidentally shield them from the pain that motivates change. Let the natural consequences do their job. Let go of the “fixer” and “enforcer” titles. You're not giving up — you’re setting the stage for real transformation.

Step 2: Build Credibility (AKA Emotional Credit)

Think of your relationship with your loved one like a credit score. Right now, they may not like you, trust you, or believe you “get it.” Your job? Start building credit by:

Validating their feelings, even if you don’t agree
Using reflective listening to show empathy
Avoiding criticism or shame-based language

You don’t need to agree with their denial. But you do need to show that you hear them, see them, and understand their experience. That emotional connection is your greatest tool.

Step 3: Discover Their Motivation (Not Yours)

Everyone has a reason to change — even if they’re not ready to admit it. Your goal is to uncover it.

Ask:
💬 “Is there anything about this you don’t like?”

Maybe it’s weight gain, financial stress, or feeling like a failure to their kids. It doesn’t matter if it seems small to you. When you identify their pain point, you can help them start connecting the dots.

Step 4: Combine Trust + Motivation = Influence

Once your loved one begins to trust you, you’ll be in a position to gently guide them. When the moment comes — when they’re in a tough spot and actually ask for advice — you’ll be the person they come to.

Use language like:
💬 “You're right. What do you think would help?”
💬 “I know you hate group stuff, but maybe one-on-one support could work better for you?”

Let them feel in control of the decision, even if it was your idea.

Bonus: Tolerate the Trial-and-Error

They’ll likely try their own ways to fix it — tapering, cutting back, “just weekends.” You’ll want to scream, “That won’t work!” But don’t.

Instead, validate the effort, highlight progress, and plant seeds of belief:
💬 “I know you’re going to figure this out. I believe in you.”

Encouragement builds momentum. Shame shuts it down.

Want to Go Deeper?

If you’re ready to take your next step, I offer two ways to help:

🔹 🆓FREE Downloadable Resources

🔹 Check out the Invisible Intervention for a full roadmap: trust-building, communication skills, and real-life examples to guide your every move.

And for 24/7 support, Amber AI is like having my brain in your pocket — ready to tailor everything you’ve learned to your unique situation.

You’re not powerless.
You have influence.
And with the right approach, you can guide your loved one toward lasting change, without losing yourself in the process.

Amber Hollingsworth