Marriage Problem or Drinking Problem? Here's How To Tell

You’re Less Present Than You Think: How Alcohol Quietly Erodes Connection in a Marriage

You think you’re still there.

You’re sitting on the couch together. Watching TV. Having conversations. You’re present… or at least, you think you are.

But after a few drinks, your partner can tell the difference.

Your responses are a little slower.
You’re less engaged.
Not quite yourself.

And over time, they begin to feel like they’re talking to a version of you — not the real you.

The Small Changes That Don’t Feel Small to Your Partner

Most people don’t set out to lie to their spouse.

You say you’ll only have two. Then it’s three or four.
You say you’ll cut back on weeknights. Then Wednesday rolls around, and suddenly it feels like the weekend.

These aren’t intentional betrayals. They’re small shifts.

But your partner notices every single one.

And slowly, without even realizing it, they start adjusting their life around your drinking.

How Your Partner Is Quietly Adapting to Alcohol

They begin timing conversations before you drink.

They handle the harder parenting moments because they know once you’ve had a few, your patience is thinner.

They carry more of the emotional weight — not because they want to, but because they don’t feel like they can rely on you in the same way anymore.

They’re reconstructing their life around your alcohol use.

And they may not have ever told you they’re doing it.

“We’re Still Together… But Something Feels Off”

You still love each other.
You’re still committed.

But something feels different.

There’s less laughter.
Less deep conversation.
Less of that closeness you used to have.

It’s easy to blame stress, kids, or how busy life has become. And yes, those things matter.

But if you’re honest — really honest — you know alcohol is playing a role.

Connection doesn’t disappear overnight.
It fades quietly.

Loneliness Can Exist Even When You’re Physically There

Your partner may or may not be confronting you about this.

They might be keeping the peace.
They might be hoping things fix themselves.

But here’s what’s often happening under the surface:

They feel lonely — even when you’re right next to them.

They miss the version of you that used to show up fully.
They’re tired of managing your moods.
They’re doing mental math every day:

• How much have you had?

• What kind of mood are you in?

• Is now a good time to talk?

• Should I wait?

That constant calculation is exhausting.

And over time, it turns into resentment.

The Fear They’re Afraid to Say Out Loud

They’ve probably tried to bring this up before.

Maybe you got defensive.
Maybe you promised things would change — and they didn’t.
Maybe you minimized it.

Now they’re wondering:

Will this ever actually get better… or is this just what our marriage is now?

They’re not scared of you.

They’re scared of the pattern.

Because they see the drinking increasing bit by bit — and they’re terrified of where it could lead.

The Good News: You’re Here, and That Matters

If this is resonating with you, that already puts you ahead of most people.

Marriages don’t usually fall apart because of one big moment.
They fall apart because of a thousand small disconnects that were never addressed effectively.

But erosion can be stopped.

You don’t have to wait for a big ultimatum.
You don’t have to wait until things completely fall apart.

You can decide — right now — that your marriage matters more than your nightly drinks.

Where to Start (Without Defensiveness or Shame)

1. Get Curious Instead of Defensive

Stop arguing about whether you “have a problem.”

Ask yourself one honest question:
Is alcohol making my marriage better or worse?

2. Listen Without Explaining

If you talk to your partner, really listen.

Ask:
“How does my drinking affect you?”

Then don’t defend.
Don’t explain.
Don’t justify.

Just listen.

3. Notice the Patterns

Pay attention to:

• When you drink

• How much do you drink

• What happens afterward

You may start seeing things you’ve been missing for a long time.

4. Decide Who You Want to Be

Do you want to be a partner that your spouse has to manage?

Or do you want to be fully present — the person they fell in love with?

If it’s the second, you may need to change your relationship with alcohol.

There Is Still Time

This isn’t easy to hear — but it’s said with purpose.

You don’t have to be perfect.
You just have to be willing to look at what’s true and make changes that actually matter.

Your partner is still here.

Which means there’s still time to do something about it.

Don’t wait until they’re gone to realize what alcohol quietly took from your relationship.

If you want help navigating these conversations, rebuilding connection, or changing how you show up, there are resources available to support you.

Your marriage is worth it.

Amber Hollingsworth

👇Additional Resources:

💡 Amber's 30-Day Jump Start for Early Recovery
🧠 Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching
🔐 Rapid Relationship Repair Course
📱 24/7 Advice from Amber AI
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Consult with a Family Coach