People-Pleaser or Self-Sabotage? How People-Pleasing Can Lead to Addiction
The Duality of Addiction: People-Pleasing at Its Core
Addiction often carries a stereotype of selfishness, but at its core, it’s often driven by people-pleasing. This duality is one of the biggest challenges in understanding and addressing addiction. Imagine a person who, on the surface, seems to care deeply about others, giving their all to family, work, and friends, but who also battles an internal struggle with addiction that drives behaviors at odds with who they truly are. Let's explore this contrast and its impact on both individuals and their loved ones.
The Duality of Addiction and Self-Perception
In a recent family consultation, a husband described his wife as kind, compassionate, and hardworking—the epitome of someone who genuinely cares about others. Yet, when under the influence, she becomes confrontational, even antagonistic. This stark contrast between a person’s true self and their behavior during addiction is a common experience for families, creating confusion and pain. How can someone be so giving and kind, yet engage in self-destructive actions that harm those they care about?
It’s tempting to think that people-pleasing might just be a facade, but that’s not the case. We all hold a mix of qualities, and for many who struggle with addiction, their people-pleasing tendencies can drive them to neglect their own needs to satisfy others.
People-Pleasing as a Root of Addiction
Addiction often begins as a way to cope with the exhaustion that comes from constantly putting others first. Many people with addiction issues are highly empathetic, compassionate, and self-sacrificing. However, this can lead to self-neglect, as they continually place their needs last. Over time, they may develop an addictive behavior to cope, which can spiral into a harmful cycle.
Consider someone who uses substances to "power through" their responsibilities, striving to be all things to everyone. The addiction can start as a way to keep giving, even when they have nothing left for themselves. This reliance becomes a means of self-soothing, yet it ultimately undermines their relationships and well-being.
The Shame Cycle
Once the addiction starts impacting loved ones, the individual may feel guilt and shame, which only intensifies their people-pleasing tendencies. They might work even harder to make up for the negative behaviors caused by their addiction, leading to a cycle of shame and self-sabotage. This can make them feel isolated, misunderstood, and resentful of those who seem to want more from them than they can give.
The buildup of shame and resentment fuels a pattern where addiction becomes a perceived escape, a place where they feel they can finally be “selfish.” Ironically, this desire for “me time” often worsens the guilt, creating an endless loop.
Breaking the Cycle: Finding Balance
The challenge for many people in this cycle is learning how to set healthy boundaries and ask for what they need—without feeling guilty. People who have long prioritized others over themselves may struggle to strike a balance, often coming across as either too harsh or too passive in their requests. For someone used to people-pleasing, finding this middle ground is essential for both their recovery and their relationships.
Breaking free from addiction means understanding that it's okay to prioritize oneself without feeling like it’s at the expense of others. This isn’t an easy journey, especially for those who learned from a young age that people-pleasing was a form of survival or self-worth.
Moving Forward: Reclaiming Self-Care and Boundaries
If you see yourself in this cycle, know that there is a path forward. It involves recognizing the duality of addiction and learning to set boundaries in a way that honors both your needs and those of others. You don’t have to sacrifice your well-being to be kind and caring. Balance is key, and it’s achievable with patience and support.
If this resonates with you, we’d love to hear your experiences in the comments. Your stories help others who are also navigating similar struggles and show that they’re not alone. Check out our additional resources linked in the description, and let’s continue this journey together toward a healthier, more balanced life.
Amber Hollingsworth
Thriving Beyond Addiction: Real Stories of Hope and Transformation
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