Stop trying to catch them in a lie (Do this instead)

Uncategorized Feb 17, 2026

Stop Playing Detective: How to Handle Lying in Addiction Without Losing Your Mind

If you’re living with someone who struggles with alcohol, let’s just say the quiet part out loud.

You know they’re lying.

They said they only had two drinks.
But you counted three empties in the recycling.
And that doesn’t include the ones they probably hid somewhere else.

They swear they didn’t drink before you got home.
But you can smell it.

They promise they’re “cutting back.”
Yet somehow the bottles keep disappearing.

So what do you do?

You turn into Sherlock Holmes.

You start gathering evidence. Counting bottles. Checking receipts. Doing breath checks during hugs. Mentally calculating ounces like you’re preparing a courtroom case.

And when you finally present your airtight proof?

They deny it.
They get defensive.
They flip it on you.

And somehow… you end up looking like the crazy one.

Let’s talk about why that happens — and what actually works instead.

Why Catching Someone in a Lie About Drinking Doesn’t Work

Here’s the hard truth:
You’re not wrong. They probably are lying.

But catching them doesn’t create insight. It creates defensiveness.

When you confront them with evidence, one of three things usually happens:

1. They Double Down on Denial

“I didn’t drink.”
“Those bottles are from yesterday.”
“Why are you digging through the trash like a crazy person?”

2. They Flip It on You

“You’re spying on me.”
“You’re obsessed.”
“This is why I can’t talk to you.”

3. They Minimize It

“Fine, I had one more.”
“Why are you making this such a big deal? Everyone drinks.”

Notice what’s missing?

Not once do they say:
“You’re right. I have a problem. I need help.”

Because being caught doesn’t produce self-awareness.
It produces self-protection.

The Real Problem Isn’t the Lying

Lying is a symptom of denial.

And you cannot catch someone out of denial.

When you go into full CSI mode, something subtle happens. They don’t think, “Maybe I should stop drinking.”

They think, “My spouse is controlling and overreacting.”

Now you’re the problem.

As long as you’re the problem, they don’t have to look at themselves.

And here’s the part no one tells you:
Every time you catch them, you’re training them to become a better liar.

They don’t learn, “I should stop drinking.”
They learn, “I need to hide this better.”

So they:

Drink in the garage
Hide bottles in the car
Switch liquor stores
Delete search history
Master breath mints

And now you level up your detective skills.

It becomes a terrible video game nobody wins.

You’re exhausted.
They’re resentful.
Trust is evaporating.

Why You Feel Like You’re Losing Your Mind

Let’s be honest about the energy this takes.

You’re:

Counting bottles
Running math in your head
Checking recycling like a crime scene
Lying awake, replaying conversations
Monitoring tone, smell, and behavior

That’s a full-time job.

And it’s not creating change.

It’s just creating more conflict.

The Shift That Actually Works: Observation Instead of Accusation

This sounds simple. It’s not easy — but it’s powerful.

Stop trying to catch them.

Start making observations.

What Accusation Sounds Like

“I counted the bottles. You said two, but there were four. You lied again.”

That’s a prosecution.

And when people feel like they’re on trial, they lawyer up.

What Observation Sounds Like

“I noticed there are more bottles in the recycling than we talked about. What’s going on?”

See the difference?

No gotcha.
No courtroom.
Just reality stated calmly.

Why Observations Break Through Denial

Denial survives in silence.

It needs everyone to pretend nothing’s happening.

When you calmly and clearly name what you see — without attacking — you introduce reality without triggering a fight.

You hold up a mirror.

Examples:

“I’ve noticed you’re drinking earlier in the day lately.”
“I’ve noticed you seem more irritable the day after drinking.”
“We’re going through bottles faster than we used to.”

You’re not diagnosing.
You’re not labeling.
You’re not shaming.

You’re reflecting.

And reflection creates space for awareness.

A Powerful Technique: The Accusation Audit

If you want to lower defensiveness even more, add humility.

Instead of:
“You were drinking again.”

Try:
“I know I’m probably extra sensitive about alcohol lately, but I can smell it. Help me understand what’s going on.”

You remove the attack.

You name the reality.

You invite honesty instead of cornering them into lying.

Because when someone feels backed into a corner, lying becomes a reflex.

What Actually Creates Change in Addiction

Your goal isn’t to win an argument.

Your goal isn’t to prove they’re lying.

Your goal is to break through denial.

And denial doesn’t crumble under pressure.
It softens under awareness.

When someone starts noticing their own behavior — without feeling attacked — that’s when the needle moves.

Self-awareness is what creates change.

Not shame.
Not being caught.
Not losing a fight.

Awareness.

A Real-Life Example of Observation in Action

One woman spent years playing detective. Every night was a battle.

Then she changed one thing.

Instead of presenting evidence, she said:

“I’ve noticed bottles piling up again. What’s going on with you?”

He got defensive at first. She didn’t escalate.

She stayed calm. Curious.

Later, she added,
“I know drinking helps in the moment. I just wonder if it’s making you feel worse the next day.”

He didn’t respond that night.

But two weeks later, he brought it up himself.

He had been thinking about it.

That’s influence.
Not force.

If You’re Tired of Fighting About Alcohol

You are not crazy.

You are not controlling.

You are reacting to something that feels unstable and painful.

But detective work isn’t the solution.

It’s keeping both of you stuck.

What if you stopped trying to catch them — and started becoming the mirror?

What if you made it uncomfortable to stay in denial… without becoming the bad guy?

That’s where real change begins.

Not in the “gotcha” moment.

In the moment, they start seeing what you’ve been seeing all along.

If you’re dealing with lying, denial, or a high-functioning drinker who insists they don’t have a problem, start here:

Drop the prosecution.
Remove the accusation.
Name the reality.
Stay curious.

You can’t force someone out of denial.

But you can create the conditions where awareness becomes unavoidable.

And awareness is what changes everything.

Amber Hollingsworth

👇Additional Resources:

💡 Amber's 30-Day Jump Start for Early Recovery
🧠 Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching
🔐 Rapid Relationship Repair Course
📱 24/7 Advice from Amber AI
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Consult with a Family Coach