Building a Meaningful Life In Recovery
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[00:00:00] The key to living a happy joyful meaningful life in recovery is learning how to look for enjoyment instead of pleasure learning how to look for satisfaction instead of pleasure learning how to look for connection meaning purpose because those things are all meaningful pleasurable they're all nice feelings but they don't leave us
the next day or after the fact feeling worse about ourselves that's the problem with pleasure seeking pleasure alone it can't possibly stay you can engage in a behavior or use a substance and you get this big spike which feels pleasurable inside your body and your mind but by its very nature it can't stay
whatever you had for the two hours that substance was in you felt good for those two hours but after the fact you usually feel worse because of all those [00:01:00] neurochemical changes all that homeostasis stuff that we talk about in the videos but not only that but you usually feel bad about yourself for whatever happened that got you that pleasurable feeling or a lot of times you do especially when You're talking about an addiction So you're left feeling neurochemically worse psychologically worse
and eventually you get to the point where you can only experience happiness pleasure satisfaction from one place and that one place is that substance that you're addicted to but the problem is that one place it's your only source of pleasure but it's causing you so much pain on the back end and you feel absolutely stuck
and that leads to feeling alone and isolated which leads to feeling depressed which leads to feeling usually shameful about the behaviors that you've done in order to continue the [00:02:00] addiction the responsibilities that you've let go the people you've disappointed you've disappointed yourself
you've not attained your own goals and so you get filled up with shame and then naturally the people around you they're mad at you because you haven't been holding up your end of the bargain on things and so they're getting on your case so you get full of resentment chasing pleasure in an addictive way only leads to the most unsatisfying the most dark depressing lonely isolated place
if you have been there and or you can relate to that put a little hands up emoji in the comments so I know you're following for me those are like like amens or something I know you're here I know you're listening now if you want to get on the other side of that it's more than just quit using the addictive substance behavior whatever it is
that's the first thing that's got to happen because as long as you're engaging in that you keep yourself stuck in that negative feeling cycle and you just can't get out of it but recovery really shouldn't be about what [00:03:00] you're not allowed to have that's depressing in and of itself
it's Oh I can't have this anymore I'm not allowed like everybody else can but I can or whatever and that's a dark not a good place to be and that's a lot of times what people think sobriety is but that's not what it should be and what it is what it should be is what you're getting in return and when you learn to become really Effective at getting the good stuff
we're going to talk about the good stuff in just a minute you're so much happier You're so much more joyful you actually have a lot more pleasure in your life the kind that doesn't cost you tremendously on the back end the kind that you feel good about the next day and the next day and the next day
and sometimes 20 years later you still feel good about it so it's like it continues to be rewarding psychologically neurochemically and all of those things so let's talk about how to find enjoyment from life how to find that [00:04:00] happiness that's more attainable the first thing is you got to look at happiness less like a feeling
and more like a state of being yes happiness we experience these positive feelings and we usually label them happiness but it comes from somewhere deeper more deep down lower than that so let's get to talking about that in order to have enjoyment in life you've got to have people and memories attached to it
those are the things that are going to bring you the most enjoyment for example when Kim Brie and Campbell and I we're at the office and we're eating lunch we literally tell the same old stories and laugh and have the best time recalling the same like 10 or 15 memories it's we have stories we tell on Campbell
they have stories they tell on me and we just enjoy them so much and most of the time they're just little silly things that just happen in an office environment just goofy things someone said or someone did and every time we recall those memories we [00:05:00] laugh like it just happened that creates that connection with someone else because it's like we have this memory and experience together and we all were there
we all remember it we have this bond this moment this thing that no one else understands and then the memory of it it's just solidifies it in our head do you guys have memories like that you connect it to people connection experience it could even be something really hard or really bad you went through
thank you but you and your buddy y'all did it together and you're like dude that was awful and you're like I know that was awful you still have those core components of people and positive memory and positive people connection in your life that's a very reinforcing thing
in fact a lot of times addiction starts not because of the substance not because of the thing but because in a lot of cases when you first used do whatever the addictive behavior a lot of times it's in the context and for a while it'll make you feel [00:06:00] more connected and you'll have these positive memories associated
that's what's reinforcing about the thing that's making it addictive the problem is that as you continue to try to get back to that and rehab that positive memory experience it's just less and less effective in fact when you're pretty far down into addiction you can be having a really great moment
you can be having a really great experience you can be having all your favorite people around you and you will still feel lonely and isolated and disconnected because you literally lose the biological ability to experience enjoyment in those moments especially if it doesn't involve the substance
one of the things when I think about this concept that I remember back to the Chris Herron story I think it was on Netflix for a while I'm sure you can find it if you just google it
He was a basketball player and I'm not a sports person so I don't like remember him as a basketball player but he tells [00:07:00] this story about how all he ever wanted was to be a professional basketball player and he wanted to play for the his home team the state he came from or just it was like he was always a big fan and he always wanted to play for this team
and as he rose in those ranks he was doing better and better and better in his career but he was also becoming more and more addicted to opioids and he talks about this moment in his story where he's winning like this big award like lifetime achievement thing like something that everybody would want to get and all he could think about when he's standing up at the podium getting this award is hurrying it up getting through it so he could run out into the parking lot and meet the guy who was supposed to be bringing him his
whatever right and so it's here's one of your best moments of your life and you cannot Find enjoyment satisfaction from it now you can stand up there and fake it but inside you don't feel it another story he tells in his documentary he talks about when his children were born [00:08:00] and he was excited about that or he's looking forward to that But he like had to leave his wife's in labor and he has to leave the hospital he's like making him an excuse or something like Oh I had to run and get it
we forgot this at home and running out but really he's like going to meet up the dealer and get the hit or whatever and in his mind it's so I can be present during the birth of my kid and he just went on a bender and didn't come back and at one point he stayed out homeless on the street because he left his wife in labor
giving birth to his child big moment big life stuff and then he was too ashamed to come back so he literally lived on a street for a long time like homeless at the 7 Eleven or something you can watch the documentary but those are the kinds of things that I think about
and even if whatever addiction is going on with you you didn't get to that point where you left your wife in labor guess what here's a little secret I know about you you probably don't want to tell it I'm out in your secret you might have been there but if you [00:09:00] didn't have the substance you did not have the appreciation for that moment because you can't possibly when you're in an addicted state because you're either if you're in an addicted state you're either like intoxicated at the moment which kind of messes with
being present and in the moment there or you're not which is even worse and so you're in withdrawal and so no matter what's happening you're having like a bad batch of neurochemicals going on in your brain and you feel crappy so even for the things that you show up for you're just not there and you cannot enjoy them
and to me that's the that's you guys know I always say there's no bad reason to get sober I haven't heard one I didn't like I like them all and I don't care how trivial they are I don't care who else they're for they're all good but my favorite one is once people understand that's like the reason to get sober so you can enjoy the moments in your life
so that you can stop living from one like Addictive episode to the next because that's what life [00:10:00] becomes your whole life becomes revolving around getting from one addict behavior episode to the next one and immediately to the next one to the next one and everything else in life becomes just Crap you have to do in between and for a while You can keep doing that crap and people won't really know like your life looks manageable but the longer it goes on the less and less capable of doing that leading you to feeling worse and worse so when you think about getting sober you should actually feel hopeful about it right
because it means there's a way out of this freaking misery trap because that's what it is it's a misery trap it's just it's nothing good in there so if you're dealing with a loved one who's addicted I just want you to know it may look like it was fun and it probably was fun for the person in the beginning but by the time
you get to watching this channel whether you're watching it for yourself or for your loved one it's not fun anymore okay it's like literally this [00:11:00] treadmill that they're tied to and you're like Oh you just want to go get high or whatever but it that the days of getting high on the days of it being fun by the time you're on this channel are long gone
and so it feels like why are you choosing that over me it's because they're stuck in this horrible hostage taking situation of addiction now if you want to increase your happiness you increase your enjoyment and that has to do with people and memories this next little piece of the formula if you want to have a happy joyful sober life Whether you are a family member in recovery or a person in addiction recovery either which way Doesn't even have to be recovery at all
actually that's just how to live a happy joyful life is you want to have moments of satisfaction so let's talk about where satisfaction comes from you can only get satisfaction from in from a painful situation and what I mean by that is you feel satisfied when you do hard things that's where satisfaction comes from
you're satisfied with yourself because you went to the gym [00:12:00] today you're satisfied with yourself because you followed through with your journaling goal you feel satisfied with yourself because you've got through a hard work day or that you put in the hard work and you got that college degree
if you think back to all the moments and things in your life that you feel most satisfied about it was always related to some sort of difficulty there's just nothing like it it's just a good serotonin drill there's some good neurochemicals involved there but it you cannot have it without having the struggle and the pain
so let me give you an example let's say if you're achieving things and it looks like you're doing hard things but you're doing it because you're using some kind of substance maybe to enhance you like maybe let's say you Worked really hard and you got a big promotion at work but deep down in your heart you only got that big promotion because you've been doing like speed for too much straight and you've slept like four hours in a month or something like that
you're not going to get the satisfaction even if you get the promotion even if you get the reward because deep down inside you didn't earn it you didn't really [00:13:00] go through the hard thing you have this feeling like you cheated and it like takes all the fun out of it
and so even when you get the award and the all this stuff it's and other people are like man that was awesome and you did it and deep down inside you're just yeah and you smile and you're like yeah no it's awesome but inside you just feel crappy because satisfaction comes from doing hard things from getting rewards that were earned
and that's the key there is it has to be earned through pain hard work if you want to become like really good at having a happy successful life and you really understand this principle what will happen is Even when you're in the middle of the difficult stuff you'll start to actually You can self reward
you can self dopamine drip yourself by reminding yourself of I'm doing the hard stuff and you will literally feel happy right in the moment when you're doing the hard stuff so not only after you've done the hard stuff and accomplish it but while you're in the moment look at me I'm running and I don't want to run
I'm running it hurts really bad and you can reinforce[00:14:00] with dopamine that drip that'll keep you doing that hard behavior longer which will lead to a higher sense of satisfaction because neurochemically what's happening is you're getting more dopamine from that when you're being proud of yourself in those moments for doing hard things which puts at bay the other neurochemicals that make you stop doing
hard behaviors as you're able to do it longer and you're usually able to be more successful with it so it's just like a momentum thing and when you can appreciate that and you're proud of yourself like those of you who watch and your family members and the hard thing you're doing right now which is really freaking hard is you're listening to Amber and you're not saying all those things to your loved one that you want to say like you're withholding and you're holding that back and you put in a
little smiley face and you're doing the strategies and it's freaking hard and there's probably a part inside that's like What the heck I had this Concept with this young girl the other day she's she's a young mom and she said how do you do this without feeling like you're giving up part of yourself
[00:15:00] I'm like dude you're giving up part of you're shutting down a little piece of yourself That little piece that wants to yell scream you know all the stuff But you start to see that progress you feel proud of yourself even though that's hard and when you're when you don't do it you mentioned dang it's funny because when people talk to me in their consultations they come to the office like they usually want to start their confession
oh Amber I screwed it all up listen to what I said it's you want to not run from those hard difficult moments and the third ingredient to a happy joyful life has to do with purpose and hear all this talk and I talk a lot on the channel about living a life of purpose and sometimes it's vague as counselors we like to say vague stuff like that
it's okay Amber but how do you do that what does that mean basically you get that sense of purpose from serve doing work that serves other people that's how you get a sense of purpose in the 12 step tradition and y'all know I don't think you have to do the 12 steps I'm just pointing out one of the things here that works about it but you don't have to be in 12 step program to do it is [00:16:00] your
you the 12th step is actually basically it's like paying it forward they're saying is you can't keep what you have unless you give it away so it's basically like your job is to carry the message is to help another alcoholic but what works for that it's actually very neurochemical
you feel good about yourself when you are serving other people and when you think about these three things combined they all morph into one thing or they morph into one feeds the other cause if you're working hard you feel proud of yourself if that work serves someone else you feel even more proud of yourself
and if you've got people that have done the work alongside you then you add the people and the memories in and now you have real contentment so if we could stop chasing moments of pleasure and start figuring out how to be content in our lives we'll be a lot happier and when we even become happy [00:17:00] with the process
we we self reward with that dopamine of getting through those hard things you don't even have to wait till you did the hard thing to get the happiness you can get the you can get the happiness the good neurochemicals right now today even in the middle of the hard thing it is definitely doable and everybody talks about it's so hard
people don't get sober this and that and I'm like part of the reason for that is because the freaking messaging is wrong first of all we run around say only 10 percent of people who go to treatment get sober I'm like okay first that's dumb maybe 10 percent of people that went to one specific treatment on one day got sober but that same person that didn't get sober that day probably went again and probably went again and probably eventually got sober
so we're not looking at over the long haul and we're telling people Oh it's just hard it's just miserable and we try to teach them to focus on remember you're an alcoholic and you're an addict and you can't have that so we're like literally telling them to focus on what they don't have and what they can't do
like nonstop we don't want them to stop thinking about that because something might [00:18:00] happen like you better remember it and none of those things meet this formula for what we know works but that's the way we think about recovery that's the way we present recovery that's those are the messages that we send
none of which are really true because I see people get sober every day all kinds of ways some go to treatment some don't some go to 12 step some don't people get sponsors people don't get sponsors like people do it without ever having gone to a meeting ever and they're very happy it's can you figure out how to put these ingredients in your life
if you can you've done it it's just about the ingredients it's not about the place it's not about the therapist it's not about the sponsor it's about these ingredients and if you can figure out how to do that you can have recovery you can have happiness and pleasure and enjoyment and actually you're going to feel really good about yourself when you manage to conquer this big bad demon that you're struggling with you get a sense of pride
it's no matter what else happens today I was sober you feel proud of yourself it's like when you exercise like I may not have done a whole lot else but I exercise so I feel good [00:19:00] about me right it's like that it's like a baseline of satisfaction that that stays there as long as you stay in your recovery mode
all right let's take a look at who's here let's answer some questions
jennifer says Love your caption today so hard to see beyond what we're giving up dude you're giving up one thing and you're getting everything else it's a pretty good deal no one will say it's not a it's a good deal can't get a better deal than that for your hands your little hands and the little emoji hands
jessica says Hello first hi I'm a long time viewer my wife and I struggle with alcohol I'm more functional and she becomes angry and aggressive and possibly has bipolar I think there's a little bit more to your thing here
here it is I'm resignating with all this resentment is there the easy way to cope is tearing us both down you know what I'm impressed with Jessica I'm actually impressed the fact that you're saying we both struggle with alcohol and you're saying my my wife's alcohol stuff [00:20:00] looks worse than mine because she has more in the menstrual and she gets angry but you're putting yourself right in that same boat because I can't tell you how many times like we treat couples where they both have alcohol problems but one of them maybe is like slightly further down the road and so it's oh you're the alcoholic right
and the other one just continues and says oh I don't have a problem and it's because as long as their behavior isn't as bad as that behavior it's like they don't want to address it or look at it so The fact that you're willing to say Hey we're both engaging in this totally counterproductive behavior
it really says a lot about your self awareness your humility your insight and your willingness to say Hey we're in this together let's do something and not to say always them because she can't handle her stuff or whatever cause it's easy to fall into that category
let's see
eric says when if so does occasional binge drinking for back to back nights using drinking to escape the reality for evening classifies an addiction my spouse is high functioning and doesn't see the pattern of [00:21:00] the problem when does it become addiction is that's what you're asking like where's the line between drinking too much and being alcoholic it's not a one line in the sand it's a process it's a continuum and a lot of people don't recognize it until they are like drinking every day or they're like waking up and drinking or something like they don't even see that it's happening
but for a lot of people even in those binge drinking days even though they may be only drink on the weekends but it's too much you're already in the alcoholism you're already in there I have a video Eric on the channel which actually goes through the exact criteria I think it's called either am I an alcoholic or how to know if you're an alcoholic
and I go through all the 11 official clinical criteria and that might help you see and so it's not like a are they or aren't they it's like where are we on the continuum are we mild moderate severe and that video takes you through all that and we'll show you help you figure that out
but that might be helpful for you to figure out but let me tell you what not to do okay cause I'm worried about you Eric where'd you go my mistake don't go [00:22:00] try to send your addicted and denial loved one and make them watch the video unless you're seeing some kind of like willingness or desire to explore the issue or they're talking to you about it
Don't try to say I looked at the criteria I watched Amber's video and here's the 11 you got 10 of them don't do that that's not going to get you through the denial that's going to get you to the resentment and self pity
all right let's see here
stephanie says the family therapist recommended I kick him out yet he is not destructive is not stealing just disrespectful and isolated I have put some boundaries in place that I am able to enforce okay good for you so the thing about kicking someone out is The thing was just probably saying that based on look they're too comfortable and there may be a little truth in that that the person there's just life's too comfortable especially if they're like not working and and they're trying to tip the scale but if you're not ready to do that as a family member I get that I'm always leery to tell someone to kick someone out because if it goes bad and something bad happens [00:23:00] I'm like it's not going to be on me
I just say you'll know it when you're there
matt says my alcoholic girlfriend has been giving some change talk but wants to see a traditional therapist which I know isn't ideal is this a time to say we'll try it your way or do I need to do something else first of all Matt I can tell from your question that you get in these concepts so I'm impressed
first of all you're saying change talk so that tells me that you're really tracking and you're getting it and you're understanding and learning and then you're understanding the traditional therapist thing you're saying is this a bargain the video I think yeah it came out this week is be careful about sending your loved one to counseling if they have an addiction
if they are wanting to go I think it's fine for them to go in the video what I the earlier video this week what I'm talking about is I'm like don't you push and encourage them to do it because when you're making them do it I promise you all this getting talked about in that session is what a big jerk ball you are and how you're not fair and how you don't get it and how you're [00:24:00] critical or whatever
I know because I'm the therapist whose office they're sitting in and that's what they always say so if they're asking to go yeah for sure I would it may not fix it because it's not going to get fixed until they address it but it's a step right it's a bargain so yeah let's do it hey is it
yeah is it hey Yazzie oh Yazzie says I feel proud of my addiction because of everything I survived I feel proud of my recovery yeah dude it's hard right it's hard to get out of that and you get a Tremendous sense of satisfaction knowing that dang I dug out of a really deep hole and I feel much better for it
365 Question is it wrong to feel happy about your addiction I feel like people want me to be more ashamed and be more closed mouth I mean it is one of those It's one of those things it's you have those experience in life and you're like I can't say I'm really glad it happened but I feel like I'm a stronger better person because it happened
in some ways I'm glad and I feel proud of the person I've become because of it[00:25:00] I've had some experiences in life that if you said would you do it again I don't know that I would say yes but I also don't know if I'd be the same person without the experience I think it's I think it's completely appropriate to say hey I'm not proud of the things that I did when I was in addiction but I'm proud of who I've become because of the hard work I had to put in to get out of it
I think that's perfectly appropriate let's see here
I'm looking for the questions you guys know if you put the word question or put some question marks in front it helps me see them faster first time being live I've been watching your 30 day emails I've been trying to find the best way and quietly to sober up oh okay first of all thanks
I'm glad you're watching the 30 day jumpstart videos those are a free series anybody can get those the you can go to our website go to the free resources page I think you can find them right there it's these little tiny like little three minute videos that just come to your inbox every day and give you like a message to help you stay motivated and stuff
one of the things I'm hearing what you're saying is you're talking about [00:26:00] quietly trying to sober up and that can be a little bit hard because if you're trying to do it and not tell anyone you definitely don't need to tell everyone but if you're trying to do it not tell anyone it's just hard because there's no accountability for you
and if you would tell at least one person then you feel like it's out there and you feel like okay it just gives you more motivation and it holds you steady on rough days so I don't know if that's what you meant when you said quietly you might not have even meant that I jumped to that conclusion
but glad you made the live and glad you're watching the 30 day jumpstart Saran says I've been dealing with my self pity my own and the addicts what are possible one liners to avoid the manipulation fallout that comes with the pity party you're talking about how are you asking like how do you respond when your loved one is in like victim mode
the best way to respond is to think about what it is they're trying to say to you and use what I call tactical empathy it's sort of part of what we teach in the invisible intervention it's like making them feel heard and [00:27:00] understood and you don't have to necessarily validate you know that whatever they're feeling sorry for themselves about makes it okay for them to continue to make bad choices
you can do it without doing that but I'll tell you what won't work what won't work is quit feeling sorry for yourself pull yourself up by the bootstraps quit being weenie whining or whatever that won't work so I would try the empathetic statements I would you can reinforce any kind of positive behavior change It's in the right direction if you want to but just try to avoid like lashing at them because that won't Help they'll just feel more sorry for themselves
all right caitlin says love your channel What are your thoughts about how much together time is too much how important is it to have separate social lives I think that depends on the couple like and the individuals within the system like some People tolerate more togetherness and they like it and they just want to be with the other person all the time if both people feel that way It works good
what doesn't work good is like when one person feels that way and the other person doesn't and then you have to like negotiate that [00:28:00] basically I'm not sure if you're saying if you're hinting at Kalen that's you're like I need some I need some me time some alone time and that's
and definitely for those of you family members don't feel like you need to be with the person every second because you're babysitting first of all that doesn't work and just don't that's not good for anybody if that's why it's happening you definitely want to you want to avoid that
let's see Shristi says
A cricket club a gym and doesn't see his drinking friend asks me to lock him up when I leave for work his friends tell me he has stopped drinking takes medicine but I keep finding many bottles every five to six days I question him and he says it's old what is happening to him whoa there could be a couple of things happening
one thing is he's trying it sounds like they are actually trying and putting in like real action steps real good things to try to not engage in the behavior but they could be having slips like once a week or [00:29:00] so because my guess is you didn't say this just but my guess is you would know if they were old cause you don't live all over the house and there weren't there the day before so that's just my guess
that's the case with most families if that's happening and you're going to bring it up to him and say Hey I found these and if they say Oh that's old you can say I'm having a hard time having a hard time with that but okay maybe and just so you don't have to argue and say I know you're lying and call them out and start an argument but you can put the impression out there that it's like
I'm not buying that it depends on how good your relationship is at the time if it's a client and it's me and I've been seeing them I'll be like dude I don't believe that I'm like you better try to tell me something else and I would just say it funny but you have to have a really good relationship to do that
you like you gotta be in a good place and you also have to take into account like how sensitive is the other person about it
let's see here nancy has a question help me deal with my daughter who's counting on her tax return to pay back rent by the 15th my boundary should I give her more time she says she is broke and works part time[00:30:00] the way I figure out those things as far as how much to help someone is how much they're helping themselves
if you get the impression that they really are trying they're doing everything they can they're waiting for the tax return like legit style then giving them a few more days I'm fine with that but if you're giving them more days and you feel like they're not trying or they're lying or they're just like lazing around on the couch all day or something like that you're probably going to end up with resentment
that I don't know if they're living in your house and they're paying you rent or if they're living somewhere else and you pay their rent but they're supposed to be paying you back I'm not sure what the what the other alternative would be like is it going to involve you kicking them out
I don't know there's more to that story deanne says My 20 year old daughter is currently in rehab can I throw away anything I find in my home related to her using while she is gone I just started counseling myself next week okay good for you you know what I would ask your daughter about it because it's just a respectful thing to do
you can say to your daughter hey if I found some old like stuff leftover stash paraphernalia [00:31:00] whatever you cool if I you cool if I toss it and get her to say yes because it's going to be real awkward for her to say no it's going to be really obvious what the intentions are and then so if you get her to say yes then
you're in the good if you just do it without that then the person may feel like disrespected or judged or something like that and you may get a negative reaction out of them even if they weren't planning to use it they may just feel like why are you going through my stuff or whatever you always want to treat another person with dignity and respect even if they're Making bad choices even if they're in jail the more dignity and respect you can treat people with the more you'll get back so that's the way I would handle it I know I'm going to get some comment I know y'all going to say it's your house
you could have whatever stuff you want in there and they're right you have every right to do that but those of you who are watching this channel you're watching because you're saying how do I help support them how do I help get an addicted person to go in the right direction do you have the right to toss it out
sure do [00:32:00] is it the most effective thing to do for your relationship I just want to ask my guess is she'll say yeah and then you're cool
all right everybody I think we are about to run out of time thank you thank you thank you for those who joined us there are resources in the description definitely go check those out bye everybody
