Behind Closed Doors_ Secrets_ Lies_ and Heartbreak
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[00:00:00] Today we're going to be peeling back the curtain to look behind the scenes of what really goes on in addicted family households. There are millions of families struggling with this problem every day. And you may not even be aware of it because so many times on the outside, everything can look just fine.
Everything can look perfectly normal and wonderful. We all have an ability to put on a mask and do what we need to do to get by in our public everyday life. But when you really peel back the curtains and you look at what's going on underneath the mask, you're going to see A whole lot of turmoil in addicted families.
I want to take a look at exactly what those dynamics look like, What a lot of the struggles, the secrets, the lies, the tears, the shame, What's really underneath there, and how does it affect Every person in that household, the addicted person, the [00:01:00] family the spouse, the kids, everybody in the household is being affected.
That's why they call this a family illness. It's not necessarily because the family causes someone to be addicted, but what it does mean is that when someone is addicted in a family, It affects the entire household. It actually affects more than the entire household, but it definitely affects the people that are living with it or very close to it.
It's going to cause a breakdown of the family system. So I'm going to take a look at the five most common problems and difficulties that you're going to see in an addicted family. The first one, and you might anticipate this one, but you might not really fully understand the depth of it, is the lack of trust in addicted family systems.
It might be obvious that the people in the family may not trust the person who has an addiction But it's really a lot more than that. What a lot of people don't realize is that the addicted person [00:02:00] also does not trust the family members. Usually if It's at least one specific person in the family and it's usually the person that's closest to the addicted person whether it's the parent or the spouse maybe it's a grandparent, but whoever's the closest and most involved there is an extreme lack of trust between those two people and that lack of trust causes a ton of conflict between Difficulty arguments, silent resentment, and the dynamics between those two people trickle down and into every aspect of the lives of everybody else surrounding that system.
You have this massive amount of trust. This person who struggles with an addiction is probably doing some sneaking. They're probably doing some lying. They're probably doing some shady things behind the scenes. So naturally it causes the other people to. Want to figure out what's going on. So you get this cat and mouse dynamic that starts to build where somebody is trying to get away with [00:03:00] something and somebody is trying to catch them doing it.
And there may be arguments, pleading, begging, yelling, screaming, threatening, Any kind of desperate attempt to get this problem to stop. And you guys know, the more that goes on if you watch these videos, at least, you know that the more that goes on, the longer the addiction will last.
Because you get caught in this dynamic where somebody's chasing and somebody's running. And as long as the person is running, which is usually the addicted person. They're not going to stop and look and be observant enough to really see truly what's going on. In fact, they get really immersed in defending their position and defending what's going on and defending a lot of times lies and secrecy.
And every time that you have them say it out loud, it entrenches those defensive beliefs more and more. So the first step in untangling an addictive family dynamic is to get [00:04:00] that Thing to stop and it's usually like I said between The primary person and the addictive person there can be more people involved in it, but there's usually a head lead charge of the family Now, in addition to that, not only do you have that trust issue, which is obvious going on, but you have these other little triangulations setting up where it's because you have this conflict between these two main people in the house, other people start to take sides, right?
If there are kids in the house, they may align with the person that has addiction. They may align with the person that's The main family member that's in conflict. And that this dynamic can go outside of the household to extended family members, like grandparents, aunts, cousin, uncles family, friends, coworkers, because each one of these two people that are in the main conflict start to confide in the other people that they trust.
And what they're confiding usually is how much the other person is doing. wrong things or treating [00:05:00] them badly or controlling them or nagging them or deceiving them. All of these dynamics, they're confiding in these other people. So you get these triangulation systems going on because there's no trust here.
The trust starts to go Outward into these other little systems and then there can be like camps among this camp or this camp and there's a lot of Fighting that goes on some of that you can see externally because there's like text messages and arguing and screaming And if you don't see it externally, depends on the culture of the family, the nature of the personalities and things, it's definitely there.
Even if it's an undercurrent, you can feel the energy where sometimes people are really angry at this person who has an addiction. Sometimes people are really angry at this other person that they feel like is enabling this person. And then other people feel like the family's treating this addictive person unfairly, and you just get a mess of loyalties going in every [00:06:00] different direction.
So naturally you have all these trust issues, these teams, these camps. One of the things that can be The hardest to overcome when someone starts to get into recovery is if the addictive person perceives that the, that their main family member, usually it's one, but maybe possibly multiple are going out and talking about their behaviors to everyone else.
That's one thing that I see that addicted people really get stuck on and really have a hard time forgiving even after the fact, because they feel humiliated. The problem is a family member is really struggling. A lot of times they're developing real major depression, real anxiety disorders, and they need someone to confide in more than just trying to make team and allies and get someone on my side, but just someone to process with and to support them and to understand what they're going through, which is definitely a necessary part, but you've got to be really careful if you're the family member who you [00:07:00] choose to be your.
person that you're confiding in, because it is going to, when that relationship resolves, like when the person gets in recovery, there's the, it's like when a couple breaks up and everyone takes sides. And if your best friend took your side and now you're back with your boyfriend or whatever, then your boyfriend and your best friend are not going to like each other.
Like I said, you get all these mistrustful dysfunctional, unhealthy. Relationships. The other thing about that happens is no matter which side, which camp that you're in this dynamic is You're not getting the full story. If you're dealing with the addictive person, you're getting a very slanted point of view on what's going on in the family.
And guess what? If you're dealing with the family member, you're also getting a very slanted point of view. And I know this because we've been working with families in this situation for a very long time. And even within our team, we have to work really hard to Not to get pit against each other and that is easy for us to do even because it's whoever's your person You're going to [00:08:00] believe them You're going to take their side a lot of you know that's how we work in our office is like The addictive person gets a counselor.
We call it like an advocate or a coach The family member gets their own advocate and coach And it's our job to see our person's point of view and to help communicate that and if we're not careful We're We'll get drawn into this splitting and triangulation and camps. So you have to always keep in mind that whatever you think, there is more to that story.
And it's not nearly as black and white and clear as we want it to be where there's like a villain and a good guy. That's not quite the way it works because when people aren't getting their needs met, everybody falls into dysfunctional roles. Unhealthy, toxic type of behaviors, and it's very difficult to unravel that even when the addiction goes away, those dynamics will remain unless they're specifically addressed.
Naturally, when you have those kind of trust issues, you also have a major breakdown [00:09:00] of. Communication, right? A lot of times what happens is either you get a lot of aggressive communication where there's a lot of hostility, anger, loudness, yelling fighting, that kind of thing where it's loud and in your face and other times it's more passive aggressive and like little quick drive by statements that are very hurtful.
Little comments that happen in front of people that are hurtful. So even if it's not loud, it is there this undercurrent of unhealthy communication. And this happens because the addiction, because Become such a hot topic that families either learn, they're going to constantly butt heads about it, or they're going to constantly avoid the topic.
And just because you're avoiding the topic and you're not yelling and screaming about it, doesn't mean that conflict and that tension is not there. And usually when we're suppressing all that, it comes out. [00:10:00] One way or the other, usually in an unhealthy way, usually like in a passive aggressive way, or maybe a shutting down or falling into depression and anxiety and resentment, it's going somewhere.
So it's such a difficult topic to communicate about because there's so many emotions around it. And that's our next level is the emotional turmoil that's taking place. In any family, you're going to have stress. You're going to have people that, personalities that clash, people that don't like each other in teams, but in an addicted family systems, you take that natural, Family difficulties.
And you're going to like multiply that by a thousand and you have in each person, a swarm of emotions. You have anger, you have guilt, you have shame, you have resentment, you have self pity, you have all this swarm of emotions and it's. It comes and goes in waves in all [00:11:00] the individuals at any point. I think one of the overriding things that happens in any person, no matter where they're at in that dynamic is shame, because we feel ashamed of what's happening in our family.
We feel like maybe we're causing it, maybe we're making it worse. We feel like We become ashamed of ourselves. Even if you're not the addictive person, you become ashamed of how you're reacting to it. Like you're watching Amber videos and I'm telling you not to be the bad guy. And then you lose your cool because you're a human being and you do something and you feel like I'm messing it up.
I can't do this. And even the addictive person, they're trying to get it together on some level usually, and they're falling back and then they're shameful about that. And that shame turns into. Anger and resentment because we start to project those feelings onto the other person. The shame is such a difficult, heavy, uncomfortable emotion.
We, we distract ourselves by getting angry and resentful and passive aggressive. Those are the ways that we're really trying not to deal [00:12:00] with our own uncomfortableness about what's happening in the house. On top of that, you get a lot of role confusion in households. What typically happens is the addicted person is usually either an adult or close to an adult, even if they're like a teen or an older teen.
But what happens is the other people become very parentified over this person, even if it's a spouse. Let's say one of the people in a partnership is addicted, the other partner will Start to have to take on more and more of the responsibilities because the addictive person is dropping responsibilities.
And then there becomes this real parentified, unhealthy role. Even if you're dealing with a parent and a child, like I said, a lot of times it's an, it's either a late teen, like an older teen, or usually it's like a young adult, but the parent starts to treat them like they are like a young kid. And even in that moment, when you do have a parent child relationship, The parentification is very unhealthy.
If it's siblings, you may have [00:13:00] the siblings become really parentified. You can have the kids become parentified over the parent and that unhealthy dynamic where it's we know best and you're the bad one, you're the scapegoat. gate of the household and everybody's against you and everybody's watching over you and trying to make sure you're doing right and trying to make sure you're going to school or going to work or waking up on time.
That again, creates a lot more resentment and power struggles and controls and passive aggressiveness inside families. You've got all those. emotional dynamics and then you layer on the top of all of that another very difficult layer and that is usually there's not always but a lot of times there's a lot of financial strain and pressure in addicted families because if it is the adult in the household who is maybe you know they're an income earner that addiction usually impacts their ability to provide income the way they're used to Or [00:14:00] if it's an adult child, the parents are usually overcompensating.
They're paying the bills for this adult child. They're going, taking it out of their retirement. They're not retiring. They're staying in work to continue to pay the rent for this adult child. And there's a lot of financial strain, even if. There's plenty of finances to go around and let's say the addictive person is the income earner.
This the other people feel Trapped in the relationship because financially they can't leave maybe it's the spouse who works that's addicted And the stay at home spouse feels like they're stuck in it They can't leave because they have no financial ability to take care of themselves or their kids. So there's this other financial pressure which really limits The options, not in every case, but I would say in most cases, and not only do you have that, but usually if there's an addiction going on, there's a lot of treatment, there's in and out of treatment, there's in and out of counseling, in and out of sober living.
And all of that costs a tremendous amount of money. On top of whatever a person is paying for the addiction, whether it's [00:15:00] gambling addiction substance addiction, sex addiction, there is a financial component going on there and that strain it, what that does is it just turns up the heat on all these other people.
Other things like the communication and the trust and the emotional turmoil that's taking place. And you have a swarm of negativity and difficulty. The crazy thing about it is if you saw any of these. People that are sort of characters in this storyline out on the street. You probably wouldn't know it.
Most of the families that we see in our office look great. A lot of them have great careers. They're upstanding citizens. They're hold leadership positions in their church. They're athletes. They're all these things that look really wonderful on the outside. And you just, you would never even know how much.
Heaviness that they're carrying inside how much pressure and strain and difficulty that they're [00:16:00] carrying around on a day to day basis. And they're trying to hide it, which takes up even more energy and more and creates more negativity because you've got it all going on and you're trying to pretend that it's not there for most of the hours of the day.
And it just takes over your entire life. I think when we break it down into pieces like that, it's really easy to see. Why addiction is a systems issue. That's why in our office, we address it from a systems perspective, instead of just saying, okay, there's this one person and they have an addiction and they're the person with the problem.
We're going to pluck them out and we're going to tell them what they need to do to get better and all that kind of stuff. And that's going to fix it. It really it's by the time that has gotten to the point of needing to talk to a counselor or go to treatment or something, it's affected the whole system.
Many people feel like the only way to get the system better is to get the addicted person better, but that's actually not true. The people in the family can actually choose to start the [00:17:00] getting better process first. You don't have to wait for this person to decide it. In fact, if the family decides to get better, it significantly, greatly increases the chances that the addicted person will start to get better.
And it actually works a lot faster that way. The addictive person may or may not choose to get better on their own. And so if you're just waiting for that to happen, it may or may not come. But if the family takes those first steps, I think that when the family takes the first steps, the addictive person actually has a better chance of long term recovery, even more of a chance than if they're the ones that initiate it, because if they start to try to get better, but the family's not getting better, it just sucks everybody back into the dynamics.
Over and over again. And the whole system is keeping itself unhealthy. At some point, we have to decide wherever you're at in that system, whatever part or role that you have in that, you can choose at any time to break away from that unhealthiness. And that doesn't necessarily mean you have to break away [00:18:00] from your family or cut anybody out or never speak to someone again, but you can begin your own recovery process at any point in that process.
And not only is it going to help you, but it's going to help the other people in that addicted family system. I will warn you though, that a lot of times when one family member starts to get healthy, The other family members don't like it because now You're not playing your role Even if we didn't we told you we didn't like your role before and we're mad at you all the time If even if you're the person and you start to get better and you've been the scapegoat people won't like that anymore But people don't like it if you go from the scapegoat to the family hero even on a On an unconscious level, we try to keep people in the roles that we know them or where we're comfortable or where we're used to.
And so we suck people back into this unhealthiness and it's a lot of people are shocked about how other people don't take they're getting better. Like some people will [00:19:00] distance themselves from you if you start to get well. And a lot of times it's because you're having better boundaries and people don't like it when you have better boundaries because that then affects them.
Maybe you're setting boundaries with them that they don't like and you get some resentment. But it is the only way to start getting yourself better. Most of the time it does have a trickle down effect and It that recovery is spreading just like addiction can spread and unhealthiness recovery can spread in a healthy way as well.
All right. In just a minute, we're going to take some questions and comments
all right. Question from Robin. Comorbidity ADHD and addiction. Is it possible to be hypomanic due to ADHD if it is not treated? Urine drug screens are clear. No access to illicit drugs. Okay. So for those of you don't know what comorbid means, it just means someone has more than one diagnosis.
Another word for that is dual diagnosis. So this is someone who has ADHD and addiction. A DHD because of the hyperactivity part can look [00:20:00] hypomanic, but it's different. There's an excessive energy. There may be an impulsiveness a lack of judgment sometimes but hypomania or mania is different.
Mania is. Typically what like in bipolar disorder where there's a mood disorder. One of the big differentiation factors for me is to look at someone's sleep habits. Because with mania and hypomania you're going to notice a difference in the sleep usually and usually it is the person starts to either need less sleep or eventually sometimes stop sleeping at all and that's when It really gets wild and out of control because when people quit sleeping, they can, they've become delusional, right?
Like they're it completely messes with your mind and your ability to think clear. Think about even if you've been on a long road trip and you've driven too long and you get to that point where you're delirious, you can only imagine where, what would happen if you went for days without sleep.
So to me, there is a difference. It does look similar but there is a difference in it. And hypo, when you [00:21:00] deal with ADHD, it's someone's up and down, they're hyper, they're this, they're that, and with hypomania, it's like they're up, they're not way up here in full mania, but they're up and they're just staying up or sometimes just going up up gradually more and more instead of it just being rocky.
So hopefully that helps. What I think you're saying, Robin, is that you're seeing some kind of behavior that looks hypomanic. You know it's not drugs, so what is it? If you've known this person for a long time and they have ADHD, then you probably have a decent idea about their baseline.
And if something's going on out of normally, there may be a mood disorder or some kind of shift going on. That you may need to see a doctor to figure out which is it. Christina's got a question. I have been staying out of the bag I roll with my alcoholic partner for three months. It's amazing and peaceful, but making him feel more emotional and sad. Every couple of weeks it I think there's more. Leads him to feeling heartbroken that we can't be closer and see each other more.
He pushes until I admit that [00:22:00] I don't want, I don't being around the heavy drinking. And he tries to drink less, but it increases again. It feels like a loop. Should I just keep doing the same thing? Actually Christina, when I read this, my thought is, it's working. This is what you want to say. A lot of people get confused because I talked so much about getting out of the bag I roll, using positive reinforcement, aligning with the person but the thing that sometimes either I don't communicate clearly or it gets lost in the shuffle or something is that you're getting out of the bag I roll doesn't make the addiction stop.
What it does is clears the path for them to be able to recognize and see the addiction. And so when I read this, and I could just be reading into it or projecting here, but What I think you're saying is, your alcoholic, he's getting sad. He's seeing it, he's missing you. He's wanting it to be different.
And then he's cutting back the drinking. So it's allowing him to see where the problem is and he's trying to fix it. And even though it's not being successful Christina, how I talk about, there's so much trial and error [00:23:00] involved, it means we're in. process. The being out of the bag I roll doesn't make the addiction stop.
The being out of the bag I roll gets, helps to get them out of denial. And then they go through this trial and error process of trying to figure out how to get the addiction under control. So to me, I feel like you're on course. There may be a lot more to that story, but from this is what I would expect to see, and we're moving and making progress.
Let's see here. Carol says, He's in jail. How can I still be empathetic, validating, and empowering? I'm trying to stay silent while he's there, but it's difficult. I'm assuming Carol that you have Ability to communicate. So I don't know what on one hand, you're saying you're trying to stay silent.
I don't know if that means like you're not talking to him at all, or it just means you're trying not to bring up his problems or something like that. I don't know what you mean when you're saying silent but you can still. Just be caring, kind, and empathetic. Just be a good listener. No matter what the conversation is.
A lot of people think it's I have to get them to talk about the [00:24:00] addiction and then I have to be empathetic and empowering, but no, when they're talking about anything, maybe it's a difficulty of something that's going on in jail. Be a good listener, be empathetic, be kind, et cetera. You don't have to fix it for them.
But what's happening when you do that is you're. You're gaining their trust, the communication lines are opening up and eventually those conversations will shift over to the real problem, but you have to prove that you're not going to jump, that you're not going to lecture, that you're not going to preach, that you're not going to judge.
The more consistently you prove that the more trust will build, communication will open. And then. They'll start to bring in the tough conversations and then you're really being tested because then you really have to not pounce and keep cool and keep being a good, confident listener because your goal is to tell them what they need to hear.
Your goal is to clear the path so they can figure it out.
Wendy has a question here. Wendy's addicted, loved one. It's on my heat. Week three bender. Each week he stops, expects to [00:25:00] come home to the house as usual. When I don't, he goes back on the bender even though I will meet for coffee.
He told me he needs to do different, told, oh, I told him he needs to do different for me to want, I feel like there's more to this. Oh, here it is to go back to normal a year and a half of this. He watches your videos and that's all he does. He refuses to do sober link in your program. He has no suggestions on how to help himself.
Is this okay? There's a lot, there's a lot to this scenario that you're giving me is what you're, is what you're asking is, are you saying, is it okay not to let him come back home and pretend like everything's normal? If that's what you're asking is okay, then I'm going to say. Yes, that is okay. If that's a boundary you need, especially if you guys have been caught in this cycle for a long time, where he goes on a bender, maybe he goes, am I doesn't answer the phone.
You don't even know where they're at. And then, then they're back in there. I'm sorry. I want to come home. And then three days later, they're back off to the races. If that's [00:26:00] the, if that's the constant cycle that you're in for you to say, Hey, I'm still here for you. I haven't backed out of this but no, I'm not just going to keep participating in the same old cycle.
We got to do something different. Yeah, I definitely think that's okay. I think that's appropriate. And that's what I would advise you to do.
All right, let's see here. Sarah's got a question. Questioning. Functioning alcoholic, functioning husband drinks every day about one and a half bottles of wine for years. Bargaining. Won't do counseling. If I mention it, if I mention it, he will divorce me. Selfish, stubborn, and stonewalls. Any advice? I have Some videos, and you may have seen some of them, Sarah, about why people really resist going to counseling.
A lot of times it's because they are afraid they're going to be judged. Sometimes it's because they are afraid that they're going to be pushed into doing something that they don't want to do. And other times it's because, they're just really embarrassed about the situation. Sometimes it's because they don't really believe in counseling.
So when [00:27:00] people are reluctant to going to counseling, then there's a couple of things you can do. One is see if you can just get them to listen to a podcast, watch a video. It doesn't have to be one of mine, a book that you think that they may like they may be more of a person that likes to maybe if they have, if they're the kind of person, if they have a problem, they want to investigate and they want to learn everything about it.
And they want to know why then information they may consume better. Cause some people are, studious in that way. And they don't really want to talk about it, but they want to figure it out. So if the person doesn't want to be in counseling, they may want to do something like that. Maybe they think going to church is going to fix it.
There's a lot of ways to address this issue. So find the one that the person is open to, if at all.
Let's see here.
Sandra has a question. How do I deal with the shame towards myself that I continue to care at all about my alcoholic boyfriend? I've held the boundary of him not living here while participating financially. Is there more or is that it? [00:28:00] Okay. So what you're saying is you're feeling guilty and bad about yourself because you still care about them and you feel like you shouldn't.
I think that we get a lot of pressure. Sometimes it's actual pressure coming from people outside of us and sometimes it's perceived pressure. Like sometimes, especially if you're like the girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, whatever, you feel like you're an idiot. And I think that's what you're saying.
You feel like why am I so dumb? Why do I keep caring about this person? Why do I keep believing them? Because you care about them, right? And there are good qualities about this person. If they were all bad, it'd be really easy, wouldn't it, Sandra? But they're not, right?
And that's why it's hard. You can't just say I'm done with you. It's a lot more difficult than people think, but we beat ourselves up because we think that we're supposed to just let go of it and we should just write them off and turn our back and not care, but it's not that simple.
I think you should feel proud of yourself because even though you still care about them, you're holding good, healthy boundaries. So to me, caring about someone you [00:29:00] shouldn't really feel bad about. You're a caring person. You can't just turn that off. If you could, you probably would. But you're holding healthy boundaries.
So be proud of yourself for that. And also just realize you're a human being, right? You're doing the best you can.
Chan has a question. My husband says he wants to get sober and needs help, but never hops on the train. We are separated for now because of his addiction to alcohol and since he, Shows empathy and understanding and acts better, but let's see, there's more, but keeps using, am I confused? What could this mean?
He becomes even more functional. What that means is you're hearing change talk and you're hearing somebody that is probably very close to being in the active stage of change. Maybe even in what I call like the, what's called the preparation stage of change. It's almost like they're circling is a phrase I use for it.
It's they're really close to taking an action step. A lot of times for people, even when they say I need help, I encourage the [00:30:00] family or the support people to have some help steps in place, maybe even help make the phone calls, help check the insurance, do some of those. Administrative things that you can do to clear the path and actually the best thing to do is have those things ready for when the person says they need help and say, all right, I got your appointment on Wednesday because if they say I need help and you're like maybe you should call so and or you need to call your insurance.
You're just going to lose that window because they get lost in the mix, right? Because unmanageability comes back. So yes, that is very common. If you want to be helpful, then I would have some things I call it in your back pocket, but ready and done some research and have some ideas of what. Kinds of help is out there and see if he's willing to attend an appointment and whatever parts that you can do behind the scenes to clear the path.
I say do it. Other people will tell you not to other people tell you they got to do all that. But usually addicted person. There's they're not, there's so much unmanageability in their life. They literally cannot do all those pieces because it is a pain in the butt. It's usually a lot of phone calls, a [00:31:00] lot of arranging, coordinating, and they just don't have their crap together enough to do all that.
So help them out if that is the case. I will also say that it is really difficult to do it when you're living on your own. And I'm not saying that because I'm saying, Oh, you should let them back in or whatever. Like I get it. If they're, if you're not living together, there's probably a good reason. But I found that a lot of times when I get a new client and their spouse has put them out and they're like, you go talk to Amber and get your act together.
It's really difficult because one of the main triggers for people is what I call the coast is clear. No one's looking. What that means is you constantly have to use your willpower. You 24 seven, you have to say, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. And at least when there's other people around.
It creates a lot of accountability, which helps with that Coast is Clear trigger. I think it's very hard to get sober when you're living on your own. Is it impossible? No. Is it much more difficult? I would say for most people yes, it is. Cause you need that [00:32:00] accountability. Too much privacy, too much free time.
I'm not telling you that to make you bring them back but is a. It is part of the issue. Let's see here. Question from Lazy Sundays. The question is, I'm dealing with a meth addict. I've had friends who broke free from the addiction. However, the one I'm dealing with is 41. My friend told me after 40, he's a lifer.
Is that true? That's ridiculous. . No, that is not true. I've seen people get sober from all kinds of things at every single age. No, if you're still alive, you're still in the game. I think it's actually a little easier to get people in their 40s sober than it is to get people in their 20s sober.
Because they're, people in their 40s are much more likely to realize this ain't cool anymore. They're easier to get out of denial because seeing that they're not functioning as a 40 year old should, it's a lot more evident than when you're 20 and you can tell yourself, Oh, I'm just being young.
I'm just partying up. It's what everyone does [00:33:00] and you get away with it longer. So now I don't agree with that statement.
Emily's got a question. My husband is still in denial. It's pills. I've been working to stay out of the bag of roll for several months. I have seen several sober attempts and then I can tell he's back to the habit. Anger is my problem. It's really hard, isn't it, Emily, because you get your hopes up, right?
They do better and then they do worse, but realize that is part of the process. It is part of the learning process to do better and do worse. One of the questions that family members often ask is what's going to be different this time, which I think. can be a double edged sword. I can understand why you want to ask the question because they've tried it a million times and It's not working.
At least it's not working long term. But oftentimes they don't even know what the answer that question is. I can't tell you how many clients come back to me and they've had a relapse and they're like My wife wants to talk to you. She wants me to have a plan, you want some kind of something in place, but maybe if you can look for what's different and you can maybe identify what was working, how you did really good, or have them identify what was [00:34:00] working.
But it takes people more than one try at this thing. I've not seen anybody get it on the first try. It takes a few tries at it. And just because they're trying and it's not worked every time doesn't mean it's not going to work. It's a learning process.
I'll see you next week.
Bye everybody
