Why can’t you just accept me as I am_ (The TRUTH behind this question) (1)
===
[00:00:00] If you've ever found yourself in a conversation where someone says to you, why can't you just accept me for who I am? Why can't you just love me? For me, you might've felt thrown for a loop and maybe you don't know exactly how to respond to that. The reason I bring this topic up is because I've heard this specific statement several times in the last few weeks, working with clients and families, either clients who are struggling with addiction.
They've said this to me about, how they feel about their loved ones. Why can't they just accept me? I've heard from family members who are saying that their loved ones are saying this to them. So I wanna really break this. Topic down. I want to talk about what this question really means, and then we'll talk a little bit about how to respond to it.
Maybe you've even had this thought. Maybe you've had the thought, like, why can't they just accept me for me? It's a kind of a defensive thought, I think, right? Because it's when we feel like we're being criticized or judged, or maybe we're being pushed [00:01:00] to change, that's when this thought occurs to us.
And it's natural to have a defensive thought. We all have them. We have them even when we know we're in the wrong. We still have defensive thoughts and sometimes we actually say them out loud, and I really think this statement, why can't you just accept me? For me, it's one of those defensive kinds of thoughts because if you hold it up to the light, it really doesn't pass the test.
So let's take some time and talk about why it doesn't pass the test. I say that because when I was thinking about it. Talking about this, I thought to myself, I was like, oh, this is gonna get thrown in people's faces.
So let's talk about why. Why can't you just accept me? For me, doesn't hold weight. It really doesn't hold weight in any situation, but it particularly doesn't hold weight in a situation where you're talking about someone who has an addiction.
Okay? 'cause it really connects to the concept of unconditional love. Both of those concepts unconditional love and accept me for me. They're similar, [00:02:00] but they're very romantic in nature and they sound really good on the surface, right? But in reality, first of all, not only are they not realistic, but they're dangerous.
When we're babies and we're infants are it's really good if our parents can love us unconditionally. And for those of us who are lucky, our parents loved us unconditionally when we were super young like that, right? Those of you who are parents and you've had an infant, it's hard sometimes, right?
It's hard to admit that, but we all know that's true. But when we're babies, we really do need that unconditional love because we don't have the capacity to understand how our behavior affects other people. We don't have the capacity to make changes, even if we wanted to in our behavior.
So it's a little more realistic and fair, but after a certain age. I don't really think that's realistic anymore, even between a parent and a child. So if it's not realistic between a parent and a child, [00:03:00] it's definitely not realistic in other kinds of relationships. ' cause parent-child relationship, I think is probably the closest you're gonna get to unconditional love.
What you're really asking when you're saying that is, why can't you just accept all of my behaviors no matter what they are, no matter what choices I make, no matter how they hurt you or offend you or upset you, and why can't you just be okay with it?
When you reword it like that, you can see sounds a little bit ridiculous, right? And we all know people who maybe do put up with relationships that are like that. Maybe they do. Keep someone around no matter what they do or what they say. But to be honest, even in those relationships, where you see people doing that is it's not really unconditional love that's happening.
It's not really an acceptance of it. It's usually coming from someplace of fear or codependency or something. And but not a place of love necessarily. We have to hold ourselves and the people around us to some kinds of standards. Now, [00:04:00] I'm not talking about things like your daddy wanted you to be a lawyer and you decided to be an artist, and he won't accept you because you won't major in the thing he wants you to major in.
I'm talking about when we're having this thought or people are saying this thought or statement to us. When. It's a behavioral choice that a person is making that is hurtful to the people around them or even to themselves, right? That's where it gets into the, it's an unfair ass kindling.
Now, a lot of times people with addictions when they're thinking this thought, like I said before, they're thinking it out of a defensive posture, but they're also thinking it usually after. They've actually tried to change it a lot of times and they failed to change it they don't love that thing about themselves even, but they don't know how to fix it.
So it's a last resort and they're struggling with their own selves. Maybe I should just accept this as who I am. Maybe this is just my flaw. Everyone has flaws. Maybe this is just my flaw and. You should be okay with it. And there's a little truth in that, right? But it's not the whole truth.[00:05:00]
Sure. We all have flaws and we all want the people who love us in our life to be able to overlook some of our flaws from time to time. That's fair. I think that's a completely fair ask. We're humans and the people that love us are able to do that for the most part. But when our behavior very consistently.
Puts another person in a bad situation or hurts another person, or is hurting other people in the house, like the kids or the parents or something like that, then it's an unfair ask to say, you should just be okay with this.
They'll say you knew I drank when you met me. You knew I smoked when you met me. You knew I was an addict when we got together, right? Another way you hear people back that statement up sometimes is they'll say things like, dude, we used to do this together.
The reason why that's somewhat unreasonable is because there are stages and developmental phases that are. Normal, reasonable expectations in life and what we do when we're young, and even maybe what we do when we're dating is quite different than [00:06:00] what expectations are when we're 40 or when we have children.
So a lot of times you hear this from people who are abusing substances and they're like I've always, we used to party all the time together. I, why are you so upset about it now? You're the one that changed or whatever. It just doesn't all wait because it's okay, yeah, I was cool with that when we were single.
And we didn't have these other responsibilities, but now that we are reliant on each other in a team kind of way to raise these children, to pay these bills, to do all these other things, then yeah, the expectation changes. Because if you're in that kind of committed relationship with someone accepting that, okay, we're gonna pursue this.
We're gonna have these kids, we're gonna buy this house, we're gonna start this business, and you're setting this other person up to be able to rely on you in a certain way. Then there are gonna be certain expectations that come with that. And you can't let yourself off the hook by saying something like I was like this when you met me.
Okay. Another reason why the statement doesn't hold water is because addiction is so progressive. So let's say you're at one [00:07:00] stage of addiction right now, and let's say your loved one could come to terms with, okay, this is just your flaw. This is just your character defect, and I can deal with it.
Can. Is it fair for them to deal with it in three years when it's three times as bad in six years when you're non-functional? So it's not just accept me like I am right now, but it, the question, the expectation is, accept me with all of my flaws no matter how bad they get and no matter what they do to the people around me, I think the thing that differentiates.
This idea of, should someone accept you when you're addicted versus accepting, like another preference. I think it's two different things. If you have a preference for music, if you have a preference for clothes, if you have a preference for job, right? Those are just your preferences and they don't necessarily hurt anyone else around you.
If you have a preference for staying messed up all the time, then that choice, it could be your preference, and you do have. The right to that, but other people shouldn't be expected to accept [00:08:00] that about you because those behaviors are overtly harmful to not just you, but to the other people that you care about.
So what happens is you're trying, when you're saying that you're trying to throw it into the same category as some of those other things. But you gotta be honest with yourself. It does not fall into the same category as some of those other things. And the reason I say it's hurting the people around you.
'cause here's another thing that a lot of people that have addictions tell me. I don't be my wife. I've never cheated. And so what they start to do is they start to push the line of expectation for themselves out further and further. ~And when people say things like that to me, if I know them well enough, I have a good enough relationship with 'em.~
~I'll say, ~is that the expectation? Is that the line? Is that the measuring stick? And when I say that, immediately, they're like, yeah, probably. That's, if that's the standard we're holding ourselves to. There might be a problem. And we just keep pushing that standard out further and further as we rationalize and as our behavior crosses those boundaries, we just keep rationalizing it because.
In [00:09:00] general, human beings, when their behavior crosses out of bounds with their value systems and the value systems of the people around them, especially their own value system, they usually get their behavior in line. But what addicts and alcoholics do is when they cross expectations, their own values and expectations, and the values and expectations of people around them, they don't change their behavior, they change their values, and that whole pushing the measure and stick further and further out is an example of that, right? So it's now I'm just changing my expectation to give myself more riggle room in, in what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable. Another one is usually when people say this to me simultaneously. At the same time, they're also saying to me. There can't stand their loved one 'cause their loved one is controlling and critical and they don't accept them. And most of 'em, they're thinking about cutting 'em off or leaving or saying nasty things to 'em.
And so what I would say is are you loving them unconditionally? What if they're [00:10:00] flaw? Is their critical and controlling judgmental, right? Is it. A fair expectation for you to accept that, I guess as you would probably say, I guess maybe not right? All relationships come with expectations.
Even parent child. Now I have seen, parents who put such conditions on their affection to their children that it is ridiculous, right? If you don't marry who I want you to marry, if you don't have the career I want you to have, if you don't go to the church I want you to go to, then you're out.
Like sometimes even you're like, put outta the family. Kinda that, that to me is ridiculous because that's only just really about your own ego. But there are certain baseline expectations and even between a parent and a child when a young person says this
for me, the thing about addiction is the further you go into addiction, the more selfish you become. And I don't say that to mean that you're a selfish person. I say that to mean that addiction, no matter who you are, it makes us all selfish because we have to [00:11:00] constantly keep up this cycle and it takes more and more energy to keep up this addiction.
Eventually, it takes up so much energy and time and effort. We don't have any energy and time and effort to take care of the other things in our life, and so our responsibilities start to seep through the cracks the responsibilities that seep through the crack first are our at home personal responsibilities.
Depending on the addiction, a lot of people can keep up maybe their school or their work or their friend responsibilities for a while. They cannot do it forever because, when you have an addiction, it requires more and more energy and resources and effort and time from you to manage that addiction.
It doesn't. Plateau. It doesn't level out. It only progresses. So it's just more and more. And as that process increases your ability to manage that addiction while also managing your other responsibilities, it the balance gets way off. So what's happening is you're becoming addicted. Let's say you're not a mean [00:12:00] person, let's say, 'cause people are like, I'm not mean, I'm a happy drunk, they'll say to me or whatever, and so they, they're using that as a rationalization of like, why is it such a big deal? Why can't they just be okay with it? But you're not taken into the account that when you have an addiction, you're. You're likely progressively letting go of your responsibilities more and more.
So the people at home that depend on you start not being able to depend on you to show up. When you say you're gonna show up to pay bills that you say you're gonna. Pay to take care of children, to walk the dog, to do all of those things. But in your mind, you rationalize it by saying something like I'm pleasant, right?
I had a guy not too long ago that told me, I don't really know why my wife thinks it's such a big deal. I work really hard, I pay the bills, which was true and fair, all true. He says, I just drink in the evenings when I come home. And I said do you drink? Most evenings. He's, yeah. Yeah. I drink pretty much every evening.
I said, what happens to you when drink? He's I don't get, mean, I don't say any nasty things. [00:13:00] I definitely don't hit her. I just go into my own little world, into like my own like little vortex. Like I'm there, but I'm just in my own head and when we say that, when you say that on surface, it's like that's not so bad.
He is not causing that much problems. But the issue is that the, they, in this particular case, they had a young child like. Less than five. Okay. Less. And so the wife's at home all day taking care of this kid all day. And guess what? They have an expectation that you're gonna come home and help. So when you're having these rationalizations, it's not so much that there's no truth in these things, it's just not the whole truth.
And not only that, let's say this. Couple didn't even have a kid. Okay. Maybe, or maybe their kid was like, already outta the house or something. Your spouse or your partner has probably some level of expectations that you have some energy and attention left for the relationship.
So even if the responsibility that's being dropped is just being able to show up emotionally, and psychologically for the people that you care about, that's [00:14:00] still dropping responsibility. Your family's gonna be fine when you drop the ball sometimes. 'cause we all drop the ball sometimes.
But when you're consistently dropping the ball, like a lot, you're dropping the ball a lot more than you're like catching it. It's gonna be a problem. And the people around you are gonna get upset about it naturally. And you would too. I had a guy also not too awful long ago. It was within the last year or so, and he said to me, I cannot believe that my wife was gonna leave me over this addiction.
He was incensed. He was like irate about it. I would never leave her. And I said, I hope you would. I said, if your wife was coming home, let's say your wife was an abusive drunk and she was coming home every day and she was like abusing you and the kids and putting everybody in a dangerous situation, then I would say, it's your responsibility to leave, right?
And he's no, I wouldn't. That's just not my value system. And I'm like, that's just getting your, that's just a real dishonesty with yourself. Now, is it fair to say to your loved one [00:15:00] Hey, I know I have flaws. Could you be less mean when you confront me about my flaws or something? I think that's a fair ask, but to say, why can't you just accept me?
For me it's an immature thought and I'm not blaming you because we all have immature thoughts. I have 'em, I get to, we can all get defensive, right? And when we do, we move into our child state and we're like, that's not fair. If you stop and you back up and you analyze it, you're probably gonna find that it is fair.
And if you can't see that it's not fair, then you've got some kind of real blinders zone. Like the guy who was like, no, I would never, no matter what. ~In that kinda situation, maybe you have a religious belief, maybe you don't. Maybe you decide religiously you're not gonna divorce that person.~
~But if you're saying, I would never like physically. Disconnect from that person. That is crazy talk. That's what I mean when I say it's dangerous. ~It's unhealthy to have that complete unconditional love. I know it sounds all nice and gushy and romantic on the surface. Oh, I just wanna be loved unconditionally.
That's ridiculous. I hope not, right? Because it is not healthy for anybody on either side. This conversation is just about being honest with yourself, which is what recovery is all [00:16:00] about. Recovery requires a level of self-honesty. That's above and beyond what you normally have to have in real life because addiction is so tricky.
It will, you'll have these kind of thoughts and it will make perfect sense to you, but it's because you're not really looking any deeper than the surface, right? When you're having that thought, it really is this is not fair. I don't wanna give up my. Whatever my thing that I like, which is understandable that you feel that way, but it's also understandable that the people around you want you to keep up with your responsibilities.
That's just how human relationships work in communities and schools and jobs and families. We all have certain responsibilities to the communities and the people in the systems that we belong to, and it is fair that there's some level of expectation. And so if you've had that thought, I really want you to look at that thought a lot more [00:17:00] objectively and try to get a little bit more honest with yourself.
Now, I'm not saying that, one mess up, one bad thing and the, your loved one's gonna put you out. I'm just saying come on, it's emotional blackmail. When you say the statement, why can't you just accept me from me? When we're talking about a situation where your behavior is harmful to the people around you, whatever the situation is causing you to not hold up your end of the responsibilities.
I hear. I say children, and I don't mean young children, I just mean people and their parents. I hear people say, that all the time. Why can't you just love me for me? You're an adult, you're 35 years old. You don't pay any of your bills, right? You don't take care of your own children.
Your parents are taking care of your children, right? And then you're thinking, why can't you just love me for me? Your parent probably does love you. There is a feeling of affection. From your parents to you probably no matter what you do, but it doesn't mean they're gonna be okay with that behavior.
The other thing I would ask you is this, do you respect [00:18:00] you with this behavior? Are you okay with you and these choices that you're making? Probably not. You probably don't like you, you probably don't respect yourself for these choices, so it's a little unreasonable. To want the people around you to be cool with it.
Right Now, the reason I said this in a video is I probably wouldn't directly call someone out this directly about it because it's just gonna make them more defensive. And so the reason I'm telling you that is because that's why I don't want you to just send this video to someone because they said this to you last week or whatever.
And I don't want you, if it gets said to you going forward, I don't want you to take these points and throw them in someone's face because it's not gonna get you anywhere. And you guys know on this channel, I like to talk about what works and not what's fair. Is it fair for you to say Totally fair. Is it work for you to say that No, it doesn't work.
So even though these are truths that I'm telling you is probably not the most productive thing to do, to say these to someone when they're saying this to you. And so you're gonna have to be a little bit [00:19:00] more strategic and a little bit more delicate about how you respond to a comment like this.
Let's say for example, the comment is you knew I did this when you met me, right? I think you can, I think you can say in a very calm, the empathetic was, you know what, you're right. In fact we were in it together. We did that, but now our situation has changed. Now we have four kids and a mortgage and a business to run.
And yeah, I guess my expectations have changed. And if you can say it in the right tone, and with empathy in your heart, there'll be a lot more likely to hear, to be reasonable with themselves. If you say that same statement in a really nasty tone, they're just gonna dig in even more.
It is just gonna keep them in the mindset of you're the problem not me, because you're mean, you're critical. You don't accept me. You only focus on my flaws I also hear another variation on this that I hear so often from people who have addictions is.
And when people get in recovery, they're actually insightful about this. They'll, they like out, they'll just outright admit it. I've heard this several times this week too. They'll [00:20:00] say, oh yeah, I, when I was gonna drink, when I was gonna get messed up, or when I knew I was gonna stay out with my friends and not come home or whatever, I would get all the chores done.
I would do extra, I would get all my work done. I would be super nice. And it's almost like in their own mind, they're rationalizing to themselves. I was productive. I got everything done. What's the problem? And so it's like they even have this cycle with themselves where they're justifying it.
It's interesting 'cause when people get in recovery, they can see that and acknowledge it and almost like laugh at themselves for it, right? It's oh yeah, that's how I convinced myself that it was fine. And then not just rationalize to yourself, but then when whatever behavior you do is like real across the line and your family calls you out for it, then you're like incensed.
What? I can't believe it. Everything I do, I cook all the meals, I pay all the bills, I do all the things. You're mad at me about this one little thing, but we're not being honest with, 'cause sometimes one little thing can be a real big like deal breaker, right?
[00:21:00] Maybe you did do everything else like totally but. If you've left and then you gamble the entire month's pay, bill money, then yeah, that one little thing is gonna count. It's gonna undo all those other good things you did in that person's mind. So you can't, like I. Do a bunch of good deeds and try to be good in this way to get yourself enough points to where you're trying to override some other really bad decisions that you know you're about to make.
But this is the insanity of addiction. This is the thinking that goes on, and when you're in it and you're having these thoughts, it seems totally reasonable and justified to you. When you get out of it and you look back on it, you can see. This was a little bit ridiculous, but you can't in the moment, which is why it's really difficult to argue with someone when they're thinking that, right?
And you can try to get into this debate with them by throwing these points in their face, but I'm just telling you, it's not gonna get you anywhere. It's just gonna get you [00:22:00] more defensiveness. They're gonna feel sorry for themselves. And it's not going to make them see the truth.
Lastly, and I want you to say this to the person, but I want you to know this to the person. The real answer to why can't you just accept me For me, when it comes to addiction is because you're not you when you're addicted, right? The real answer is you always did accept them for them. The what's happening now is they're not them anymore.
Whether it's your kid, your brother, your wife whoever your workmate, right? It's because they're not them anymore. And that's the truth of it, right? If they were themselves and they had their other little like quirky flaws, every now and then, you'd probably be all right with it. You might not like all of it, but you probably get over it, right?
But the person is failing to realize that they're not being themselves. Now, a lot of times I can get people to see that by going at it indirectly and figuring out what people's values are and their strengths are, and then eventually they'll connect the dots to, I'm really not myself.
I'm like, is this really you? And they'll tell you [00:23:00] this in small ways. Families will say this and clients will say this to me all the time. I am the nicest guy in the whole world. Everyone loves me except when I drink, I get real mean. So when you say the statement of like, why can't you just accept me for me because it's not you.
And if you're honest with yourself and you look deep down inside you, you know that, right? If you have an addiction, it's causing you to behave in ways that are not you, that do not fit with your value systems, that doesn't allow you to live up to your own responsibilities and the expectations, reasonable expectations of society and the people that you care about.
That's the real answer to that question. Now, if you have a good enough relationship with someone and you can get your tone you might can say that. Don't say it super sassy. Like I said it. Don't say because you're not you because that won't work. All right. We're about to the point in this conversation where we're gonna take some questions and comments.
The other thing I wanna tell you is those of, you're keeping up with all the Amber AI testing, it is going really well. Our beta test [00:24:00] is almost over at the end of the month. We're gonna be launching Amber Ai live the second week, I think it's the second weekend, April.
If you're interested in that and you're not on the waiting list, I have put the link for that in the description. You wanna get on the waiting list. 'cause during launch week it's gonna be like 50% off, which is, super inexpensive, like for life, for as long as you wanna keep it make sure you're on the waiting list if you wanna get that discount and that way I can let you know when it's out and you can be like the first people in there. So the waiting list is there in just a second. We'll take a question. Brie will help us pick one and we'll run it through Amber AI so you can see how she works and what she says. And I always get a little nervous when I do it live 'cause I'm always like, what if she says something I don't agree with? But she does pretty dang good. I gotta be honest, I really like Ambria.
In fact, I talk to her like pretty much almost every day. She helps me get some thoughts together better than I do. But the thing that happened that made me really like Ambria has, when I was very first setting her up, like the first few days, my husband was like helping me test her out.
And so he was like [00:25:00] trying to grill her, right? He was like putting like crazy scenarios in front of her, whatever. And so he calls up Amber? Yeah. He says, Hey Amber, you know what? I heard your husband is a stud or something like that. He said something funny and then Amber, I responded and she said, yeah, you know what?
He's real nice. He's funny. He is got a good sense of humor. He is very kind, and that cracked me up. It was like from that moment I was like, I like this girl. That's my girl. So she has that ability to not just give you answers, but to be like a person, right? Not just to give you answers and advice, but to understand the emotions of the situation and the context of the situation. That's what's so good about her. That's what makes her so different than trying to google up the answer to something or trying to find a video where I'm talking about it.
Because she takes the context of the situation and into account, like you give her all the backstory, all the back information, and she brings all of that in, does a better job of it than I do, and. Can help you apply the concepts that I teach to your specific situation and figure out where roadblocks are and help you think [00:26:00] through things.
Alright? One more thing. Starting for sure in April people that are in our strengths-based coaching program, if you sign up for our strength-based coaching program, you're gonna get automatic access to Ambria. So that's cool and exciting and neat too.
Have some spots open for that in April. We don't have any left for this month, but I know that there's a couple open spots in April. So if you're interested in recovery coaching directly with me, you wanna be in the strengths-based recovery coaching and you'll.
Have sessions with me directly, but you also have access to Amber ai. So it's like double. It's like a little Amber Ghost haunting you wherever you go. All right, Bri, let's have a question. What we got? Do we have any good ones?
Koala a US 99 says, how do I respond when they say I don't love them unconditionally? I would probably, here's what I, here's what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't say, yes I do, or whatever, because it's not true, right? And so I would in a very kind voice, without a lot of sass, if [00:27:00] you can do a lot attitude, I would say, I think you're right.
Yeah. I would just agree yeah you're right. There are certain expectations I have to be in a relationship with you now. I've seen a lot of people, I've had a lot of consultations. People come to me when they're out of the relationship with the addictive person and they still love them.
Like they are still paying to talk to me to figure out how to help that person. They do love them even. I'm like, dude, you need to let that go. Like even I'm thinking it right, and they still love them, but you can still love somebody and decide that you are not going to live with them or you're not going to put up with bad behavior, right?
So you gotta separate the feeling of affection with. Tolerating bad behavior. I don't know that I would go into all that, but I would probably just agree you'd say, yeah, you, I think you're right. And my guess is you don't love me unconditionally either. I might say that. M1, Johns says, I have a 21-year-old son who we had to remove from our [00:28:00] home two weeks ago for safety reasons, as he would have his drug dealers come by the house all the hours of the day and night.
And now he's asking. To come home to figure out going to rehab should I let him come home? Bri, do you think this is a good Amber AI question? 'cause it's specific, right? Let's use this one as a Amber ai. Let me see if I can show y'all my screen. We can post it over there.
All right, here we go. So you're, if you're watching the video, you're looking at ambria. If you're just listening like on the podcast version or whatever I'm just showing you my computer screen and you can see the little amber icon up there and she says, how can I help you? So we're gonna, we're gonna take that question and post it in there.
We're gonna see how she responds and then we'll see if she's answers it like I would answer it. All right. Let me see if I can copy paste it. No, I'm just gonna write it in there.
All right. Here's the question. I'll read it to you one more time. I have a 21-year-old son who we had to remove from the house two weeks ago for safety reasons. He was having drug dealers come by the house all hours day and night. [00:29:00] He's asking to come back home and figuring while he figures out going to rehab should I let him.
She's thinking. She's thinking, here we go. Here's our answer. I. See that Maria, she gets so much of a better, more detailed answer than I would, all right, here's what she says. This is such a tough spot to be in and I can feel the weight of this decision. First off, I wanna acknowledge how hard this must have been to ask your son to leave for safety reasons.
That's never an easy call, but it sounds like you made the right choice. So far I'm completely agree now about letting him come back. This is where it gets tricky. If he's genuinely coming home to figure out rehab, that's a positive sign. But here's the thing, just because he's saying the right words doesn't necessarily mean he is ready to follow through the unmanageability that can come.
With him, like dealers showing up could come back, could come right back with him if he's not truly committed to change. If you decide to let him come back, I'd strongly recommend setting up some clear boundaries and expectations before he steps foot in the house. For example, you can say if you come back home, but only if you're [00:30:00] actively working on getting into rehab and following through with the plan.
You might wanna consider a written agreement, sometimes called a home contract that outlines what's expected. This can keep everyone on the same page and prevent misunderstandings. That said, if you're feeling unsure about having him come back home in the house, it's okay to say no.
You can still support him in other ways, like helping him find a rehab program or offering to meet him somewhere neutral to discuss his options. Sometimes keeping that physical boundary can actually be the most loving thing you can do, even if it feels counterintuitive. All right. So I agree with 90% of AM things that Amber AI said.
There's one thing that I disagree with and I'll tell you what that one thing is. The thing about the home contract, I'm not a fan of home contracts. Some of you might have heard me say that. Because I don't think they really do anything overall. It's a bad idea to let 'em come home.
I would advise against it. However, I understand when you're a parent, sometimes you just don't have the heart for that, or there's a situation that you [00:31:00] just feel like you just have to or whatever. So if you're going to do it, I agree that you need to set up some boundaries and I would probably.
Put a time limit on it. Like you can be here for two days, but you have to be in rehab by the third day or something like that. They don't really need to come back home to figure out rehab, so it makes me doubtful that's really what's happening here. You could help them figure out rehab.
Hey, I'll help you, call the insurance. I'll help call some for you, maybe you got rehab lined up, but there's like a waiting list or there's not a bed or something. If it's a short waiting list, like we're talking about a couple of days or something, then okay, maybe.
But even in that situation, I would rather you. Help them in some other way while they wait the two days. Especially if the rehab's outta town, I might say. Drive with them outta town, get a hotel room, stay with 'em there. Letting 'em come home is definitely not the ideal situation. So if there's another way, I would do it another way if you have to.
I agree with Amber, Andrea. I set the boundaries.
All right. Let's see. Next question [00:32:00] is. About progressiveness. Loved one was in deep a couple of years ago. He's has gone from a lot of hard liquor to a few beers a day, sometimes more. Is this a good sign? Are they still progressing? All right, Jennifer. I think it is a good sign. I do think it's that your person is definitely progressing through the stages of change and is moving out of denial. These are great action steps. It's probably bargaining, but it's still big steps in the right direction. Do I think that plan is gonna ultimately work out to switch from hard liquor to a few beers?
No, I don't think that's gonna work out. So do I think he's progressing and he's found the answer? No. Do I think he's getting closer to the answer? Yes. So I would see it as a sign of. Progression even though it's not perfect, and most of the time you you have to let people try these things before they come to the conclusion.
Like it just doesn't work. It might work for a little while, but it doesn't work long term. Eventually they go [00:33:00] back or they just start drinking a bazillion times more beer or something like that. But I would definitely let that go on for a while, and I do think it's progressing.
This is what we shouldn't do or shouldn't say. Are you or joke, are you talking about all of my points against the whole accept me for me? Yeah. I don't want you to say them. I just want you to know them. And a big part of it is I'm. If you've, if you're having these thoughts because you have an addiction or a really out of bounds behavior, then I want you to, I do want you to say them to yourself, but I wouldn't necessarily throw these in someone's face 'cause it doesn't even though it's true, it doesn't mean it's gonna be effective.
All Crystal says, my addicted husband and I. Were in a bad way. He left because of my anger and met someone. He moved out. Fast forward, that older relationship dissolved so much trauma and betrayal has happened in our relationship. I learned to forgive and walk in a loving way. I still have these unresolved hurts.
And what led to them? I know I can't go [00:34:00] into this. Our relationship is going well for him. Still unresolved things that have not been dealt with. He's in denial and it feels like we're just going through the emotions. How should I bring things to the surface? Situation. I think I get it. So what you're saying, crystal, is you were in a relationship with someone. Their addiction led to some infidelity. They left the relationship, they had a relationship with someone else, but now you guys are back together. I think those are the main storyline points, right?
Am I getting that right? Am I missing something? But you're saying, and the relationship's going well for. Him, but not for you because you have all these unresolved undealt with feelings when you say he's in denial. This is the part, I guess where I'm confused on is the person in denial about the addiction?
Is the person in denial about the affair or the relat, the other relationship? What are they in denial about? Are they in denial that these things need to be dealt with? When it comes to [00:35:00] addiction, and even more so like double more, so when it comes to an infidelity or something, you're probably always going to have this unresolved feeling to some degree inside.
And there's this like almost compulsive need to seek reassurance, to ask questions to bring up the past. And when you do that, what you're really looking for is, do they get it? Do they understand? Are they gonna do it again? And should I have my guard up? Because you're trying, it, it's a defense mechanism, a survival one where you're trying to protect yourself from it, however.
One of the worst things I see family members do that's ineffective is that they constantly bring it up and they ask so many questions that it feel it's having a drink, it feels like it's going to satisfy the itch. It feels like you're gonna have closure when you do that, but it doesn't.
Trying to find them lying or cheating because you're so upset with yourself for not catching it before that, no matter how they [00:36:00] respond, no matter what answer they give you, no matter what proof they give you, your mind will twist it up because it's digging for some piece of information to be different.
And I've seen a lot of situations where couples were trying to get back together. And like the spouse that did the betraying really is trying to be on the right path. And they're trying to fix it and be honest, but the hurt is so deep in the person that's been betrayed that they can't move past it.
So if you're still struggling with that I'm not sure. I think you need to like filter through. What is it I need from this person? Because sometimes it's just that constant feeling and it's, if the more you dig at it, the worse it gets. I've got several clients in this situation right now, and I know this because I'm hearing the opposite side of it.
But sometimes it's like. You might have to do some work on that with your own private counselor or something. So I guess I would wanna know more about what is the work that you feel like should still be [00:37:00] done? 'cause I'm guessing on that based on experience with what usually happens.
Mimi says, when you say an explanation for, why can't you just accept me as I am? Because it isn't you, do you believe they can return to them completely? Ooh, I like this question, Mimi. This is a good one. All right. I'm gonna, I'm gonna answer this and then I'm gonna run this by Ambria 'cause I'm curious to what she'll say to, so my answer is I.
I believe that if they get into recovery, they'll be better than they were before because to be in recovery, you have to develop like a certain skill set. It's like building a certain muscles that regular humans don't even have, and those muscles and skills are, you have to be so much more self-aware because when you're in recovery, you have to constantly question your own intentions.
In order to stay sober, you gotta analyze every one of your thoughts and decide where you come from and confront your own rationalizations. And be humble and be honest. So do they turn return to themselves?
No. They come back better, stronger. All my [00:38:00] favorite people in recovery. If people in recovery, you probably know exactly what I'm talking about. Yes, they get better and they're better than they would've been otherwise. 'cause they have to, it's if you're gonna climb a mountain, you're gonna, you're gonna develop some muscles.
There's no way around it. It's like that. All right. All right, so the let's run this last question by Amber ai. We'll see what she says. Hopefully she'll say the right answer. Let's see. Lemme type it in here. When you say an explanation for, why can't you just accept me as I am? Is because
it isn't you? Do you believe they can return? All right. Let's see.
All right. Here's what Amber Andrea asked us. She says, absolutely. I believe they can return to themselves, but it's not as simple as flipping a switch. Addiction is hijacking someone's personality, their values, and even their sense of self.
It's like their true self gets buried under layers of shame and guilt and the behaviors that come with addiction. But the good news here is those [00:39:00] layers can be peeled back. Recovery isn't just about stopping a substances, it's about rediscovering who you are. Underneath all of that, it's about reconnecting with values and passions and relationships that matter most.
And yes, it is absolutely possible for someone to reclaim their true self. I've seen it happen time and time again. That said, it's not always a straight path. It takes work both on the psychological and spiritual levels to heal the damage addiction has caused. But with the right support tools and mindset, they can absolutely get back to being the person they're meant to be.
And sometimes they come out even stronger with a deeper understanding of themselves and a greater appreciation for life. ~What's your take on this? Do you feel like your loved one's true self? Is there waiting to come back? All right. Amber C She said what? I said only she added a lot more and she's spot on.~
~Yeah, I agree with that completely. ~All right, everybody, thank you so much for those of you joined live and thank you for those of you who are here watching the playback. The resources are in the description, the Amber AI wait list, the strengths, the invisible intervention, anything that you might need.
We have a. Free Facebook group for family members if you wanna connect to other people who are trying to support addicted loved ones, all the things. It's all in the description, and I [00:40:00] will see you guys either Saturday in Oklahoma or next Thursday on the live. Bye everybody.
