AI Edits from How Loved Ones Fuel Addiction
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[00:00:00] In sports football particularly the best defense is an offense. And this is also true when in real life, when someone is doing something wrong. So in addiction, it is very, very, very true that the best defense is an offense. What do I mean by that? First I'm gonna break it down. What they do that would support this theory, why they do it, and then what we can do to offset that.
So what they do is they do anything to be the victim, but that includes blaming, deflecting, and by deflecting, I mean, putting the light over here when you're trying to put the light over here. So you might say something like, it seems like you've been drinking this afternoon. Well, for God's sakes, the dishwasher was completely dirty and I couldn't even get a glass in there.
So yeah, maybe, but you know, that's because the dishwasher, like obviously you can hear the oxymoronic quality of that. It doesn't make sense, but that's what deflecting is. [00:01:00] Gaslight this is very similar to deflecting except they will turn the situation back on you in that. They'll twist it around a little bit so that you're, you're wrong.
They accuse us. They flat out say, you've been going through my things, you were in my room. Maybe true, maybe not true, but that's what they'll do it to flip it. They attack us and they fight, pick they criticize. And by fight pick, this is a huge one because this is chronic and the reason they do this is so that they can go use.
Or justify the use that they just did because you did something wrong. So they might say something ~like, ~like this is a classic famous story. My son did this to me years ago. I was sitting on the sofa, drinking my tea, reading a book, and he came down the stairs. There's already somebody out there to pick him up and he says, oh my God, you look so stupid.
~Sitting on the, so reading. ~Now in his defense, the sofa was red with big white swirls on it at the time. And I did have on red corduroys with the white turtleneck. But that's [00:02:00] beside the point. But what I did wrong, and so how this gets fuel is I said something like, ~I can't believe you're, ~I can't believe you're saying that.
Like why are you being so rude? Like I'm just sitting here reading. And so that little tiny exchange, and if you're, if you think about it, raise your hand if this happens to you chronically. Is that little tiny thing took in his little addicted brain. Well, I wasn't gonna go use, but mom looked stupid on the sofa.
And that moronic thing is fuel for addiction. ~And they, they do it to us all the time. ~I hear about clients saying it all the time, like, yeah, they found fault with the fact that I made spaghetti for dinner and I know they love spaghetti or they don't like the pillows on the bed. These little things.
That have nothing to do with addiction and truly are very separate from some of this deflecting and gaslight and accusation that I talked about. Those little tiny things are feeding it all day long. So be very aware of those. They also do some negative self-talk or self-loathing, which is, oh, I'm just a worthless person, you [00:03:00] know, I know him.
Worst husband ever. ~I, ~you love the other children. ~Like, and that's again, like. ~So that we'll come back in ~and ~and feed the opposite messaging, which is you're great. No, that's not it. Because very rarely do we say, you're right. I love the other children more than I love you, even though you might like the other children more than you like the addicted one, but you don't say that.
You go in and you defend it. So all of these things are. It's like soft blankets or protective things that they put in place to protect themselves and to fuel their addiction. ~So that's, ~those are examples of things that they're going to do. Why they do it is to, maybe they lie to avoid being caught where they deflect ~and, ~and to avoid being nailed down.
~Um, ~definitely they do all of these things to keep the addiction going, to fuel it. ~Um, ~they do it to avoid consequences and conflict ~it's easier to maybe have a to. Truncate a conversation and argument by saying, I'm just the worst husband ever. ~You can hear how that just shutting that conversation off, which avoids the conflict and the consequences that might have ensued, had that conversation kept going.
~Um, ~another way they do that is the reason they do that is frankly [00:04:00] the big one, which is to avoid shame. Remember, addiction is a shame-based disease, and so the disease does everything possible to avoid feeling that shame. Which is that whole justification and rationalization of why we're using, which feeds right into what we're talking about today is, you know, the fueling system is to feed the system.
And so these other things are to keep you out there keeping their denial perpetuated. So if they can flip it over to you, they don't have to think she's right. I did drink today, or I did drink seven beers. I told her it was only two and she didn't believe it, but. I'm gonna stick with it. So that's to keep their denial going and to buy time.
Addiction's favorite word, one of its favorite words is tomorrow, I'll stop tomorrow. I won't do this again tomorrow. ~On Monday, I'll stop. ~I have a client right now whose husband is trying to stop drinking, but it's always Monday, and yet on Monday he has a drink and so then he says, well, next Monday. [00:05:00] So this is like.
The best strategy I've ever heard, because that Monday's never gonna happen. So what we can do about it is really important, all right? Because otherwise we just get ~con ~stuck in the conflict of their addiction ~and, ~and we lose ourselves. And this is what Kim and I talk about a lot, is sort of how we lose our peace by trying to get ahead of their addiction or slow their addiction or stop the problem or intercede somehow.
So what we can do is. Use very simple statements. If they said, well, I only did that because the dishwasher was empty, you can say, well, dishwasher was, was empty. No, the dishwasher was full it. It was full. But I don't know. I don't think that's a good reason to drink, but you might. And just acknowledge it and then flip it back on them.
Or just say, oh, you're probably right. You can totally even own it. Like even as stupid as that example is. He can say, oh, I get it, and walk outta the room. They know. They know that that's not the thing, but what they're trying to do is get you [00:06:00] embroiled and all of the strategies for you to do is to recognize how do I not get sucked into this?
'cause by being sucked into it, we are fueling the addiction for all the above patterns that we're talking about. It seems like you're being hard on yourself. ~That makes me sad. ~You're right. I am a terrible mother. Just walk outta the room. Do not feed it. Also, you guys don't ask questions to things. You already know the answer.
Have you been drinking? You already know that, or you wouldn't have asked it. Don't do it. You're feeding the addiction. 'cause now we're gonna have a fight over it. ~Okay. ~And when we have the fight, then they find the reason to blame it on us. And so by even asking the question, we are losing the fight. So another example of that would be, did you go to school today?
Did you take money outta the bank account? That's a big one. Did you take money outta my wallet? They're just going to lie, which is gonna fuel the shame, which is gonna fuel all the things that they do to get rid of [00:07:00] that shame. So it's just like a giant knot and we have to recognize that our role in it is to get out of it, is to not have that role.
Don't take the bait. Do not ~take the bait. That goes back to that fish hook conversation we were having about the sofa and me and the red out red white outfit. Don't ~take the bait. Just say, oh, you're right. I do look pretty stupid, don't I? And just go with it. Just don't even, don't even get into it. Use the Empowerment Triangle.
And for those of you that don't know, what the Empowerment Triangle is, is you empathize, you validate, and you empower. Sophie said. I was at a terrible, terrible day at work today, and I drank four beers. You could say, I'm so sorry you had a terrible day at work. I hate it when I have a terrible day at work too, so I get it.
But maybe next time you'll choose to do something besides four beers or you're a smart guy, you know how to do that differently ~so you don't, you don't get sucked into it. ~Okay? Don't be the sponge and get sucked into it. Just. Flip it back very nicely and very empathetically back into their court, [00:08:00] use false humility.
And that goes back to sort of what I was talking about at the top by simple statements is I don't recall that. Oh, that's an interesting perspective. Kim had a client the other day that said something like, I drink because as the house is dirty. That's an interesting perspective. Don't.
~Well, that's a stupid reason. Um, ~well, the house is dirty because you drink, you're just fueling the addiction when you engage. Just remember this, you guys, you do not want to play tennis and all these strategies that they're using to fuel their addiction is sort of getting you in there to play tennis.
And when we start to play tennis with an addict or addiction in general, we are not gonna win. We're not gonna win the match. We're not gonna win the game. We're not gonna win the set. We're not gonna win the point. So don't do, just don't do it. Don't play tennis. You can bat, you can do, Ooh, we're on a sports analogy.
Now you can do baseball and you can bat it away by saying you might be right. Or interesting perspective. That's sort of batting it. It [00:09:00] doesn't, ~it does, ~it just lands. And if they pick it back up and try to throw it at you, just say I have to go. I'm busy. I forgot that I was meeting Jane for a cup of coffee.
Something. If you're gonna bat it don't try, you're not gonna catch it. 'cause then you're just playing tennis with a different sport. ~Um, another one of those would be, or I'll have to think about that. ~These are really very neutral, neutral statements, okay? And that's what you really, the overarching thing today is don't be part of their fueling of the addiction.
Don't be part of it. Don't even be the gas pump. Don't be the nothing. You just recognize what's happening. Get out of it as fast as you can, and know why they're doing it. Okay? All right. See what questions we have. Somebody has 60 days of sobriety I saw super quickly, so congratulations to you. That is outstanding news.
All right. This question is, my ex-wife is in denial. I think she's using meth recently during a video chat, a man who I don't know, threatened me with a gun, showed me a lot of money. [00:10:00] Should I allow parenting time? No, not if that's happening. That's a safety issue. Safety trumps, oh, she hasn't worked a full-time job in two years now.
I find she's been supported by a drug dealer. Yeah, I think again, you're right, and part of the question is how do I not be the bad guy in the situation? ~So let's go over that super fast ~doing something that is the right thing to do. Even if it is perceived ~as being, ~as the wrong thing to do is not being in the bad guy role.
Remember, there's a difference between being the bad guy and being dragged into the role. In this case, we are protecting children. And that may be perceived as bad, but you and I, everybody watching this knows that this is the right thing to do. You can do it kindly. You can use nice tone of voice. You can say, Hey, in light of what I've seen recently, I'm very not comfortable with the children spending time with you.
And so for the time being, I'm just not going to allow that. And I'm glad you've put in that order of protection. ~Um, ~you [00:11:00] may need it, but you can give bad news and you can give. Harsh consequences to somebody with a nice tone of voice, they, again, are probably going to drag you in. But that goes right into what I just talked about, dragging someone into the bad guy role is a ~method of ~method of fueling the addiction, right?
So don't discern between the difference and recognize why it's being done, all right? But yes, absolutely don't let the children.
That's it for questions.
So the person who's gonna 60 days is using Zoom meetings, which I'm super glad to hear about because I have a lot of clients that say that Zoom meetings they're not gonna try them 'cause they don't feel connected. So I'm really glad to hear that the Zoom is working for you. ~Um, ~I always encourage 'em to do it, but I've never actually talked to someone who's done one, yay. That's good to know.
All right. All right, Calin, sorry you won't be able to chat and you're very welcome for all that we do, we, it's the most fabulous job in the [00:12:00] world.
All right, ~so lemme talk a little bit more about this while we see some more questions that are gonna pop up. ~So the disease of addiction has to be fed right? And ~just like. And also ~one of the ways they do this, ~you guys, ~is they lie and the lying pathway in our brain. Is like the strongest pathway in our brain, and the more it's used, the stronger it gets.
So addicts often lie about things that they don't need to lie about at all because they're so used to lying to themselves, to twist situations, to feel the disease. Those are ~all ~lies, right? Those are lies. ~Do ~they tell themselves They're also lying to everybody else around them. Their bosses, their spouses, their parents, their friends.
And so every time they do this, it gets stronger and stronger and stronger, and then that pathway becomes like automatic. So that's another reason to not ask questions. When you know the answer to it, they will lie. No one ever says, have you used drugs today? And says, yes. They always say No. What are you talking about?
My God, get off [00:13:00] my back. You are such a nag. And that's a lie. And so as we're, as we're asking those questions that are gonna force them to lie, we are fueling the addiction. 'cause we are strengthening addictive thinking. ~So you can see how it's just like, um, what are those things when you're little? And we do with a string like cat's, cradle and witches room.~
As we feed into this we're just weaving a thing which allows them to have a different picture at the end. ~So. ~Be very, very careful about that because that pathway ~shoot, that, that, and that ~can last for three, four months after they stopped using, I was once running group and ~um, ~this kid was sitting in group and he had on his feet were up on the coffee table and I could see a sticker, 79 99, could see it on the bottom of a shoe.
I'm old and I was 10 feet away. So it was clearly, perfectly visible. So I said, oh, you got new shoes? No, I didn't. Like, oh, did you, do you take those shoes off when you go outside and you just put them back on when you get on rug? No. Do you wear boots and push your shoes on when you come in the office today?
No. I'm like, oh he goes, I, yes, they're new. I don't even know [00:14:00] why I lied about that. And that sort of led us to that conversation about the lying pathway. And so with our loved ones. We don't want to strengthen that because it'll just be longer and longer after they stop using, before they can walk away from that pattern, ~which is irritating as thunder.~
All right, Adriana, my boyfriend is an addict, but in denial, how can I get help? Are you asking help for yourself or helping getting help for your boyfriend
if it's for yourself? The answer is. To stop focusing on it. Stop trying to talk him into seeing the, to get him out of a denial. Focus on yourself. Allow the consequences to happen. Allow external things to happen like. He falls or he runs outta money. Oh, for him. Okay. You really can't get help for someone who's in denial because they don't believe there's a problem or they're not willing to admit that there's a problem.
You can get help for yourself, which [00:15:00] is to understand the neurobiology of addiction, to understand why this is happening, ~to sort of think about these things we talked about at the beginning of the video, which is. These patterns of, of communication and behavior that would allow us to see the problem.~
They're not seeing it because their brain is rationalizing and justifying what they're thinking or saying. Disease of addiction will make sure that it thrives and lives, and no matter what we say, we're not gonna get somebody out of denial. We have to wait for something to happen and they say to themselves, Hmm.
Maybe I have a problem. So pre-contemplation, remember is I don't have a ~problem. You're crazy when that happens, just stop talking about the ~problem. Contemplation is maybe I have a problem, but I don't think so. So again, still in denial. Preparation is out of denial, which is, yeah, it's a problem. I need to do something about it, but I'll start on Monday, and that goes back to sort of the client that I'm seeing her husband's constantly waiting for the next Monday.
That's preparation stage. Then there's action, and then there's maintenance, which is [00:16:00] staying in action and staying sober forever. But the disease loves to pull 'em in and out, pull 'em in and out. So the more we talk about it and point it out and focus on it, the more they're gonna go back out and deny it and defend it.
~So don't do that. Let that. Let that happen naturally. ~If it's too difficult, if you can't do it, then it's okay to take a break from the relationship or ~it's okay to ~put distance on it. Setting those boundaries of how much of this front seat do I wanna have to this situation with someone who's ~in complete denial, in, ~in complete denial, they're ~gonna be, they're just ~gonna be using, right?
'cause they don't have a problem. So I think this is sort of a self-care topic, to be honest for you, is to think about how much of this do I really wanna watch, and how much of this do I really wanna be embroiled in? We can't really get help for anyone else. That's the problem. Chrissy, how do you respond when they are self-loathing and feeling sorry for themselves?
~Can't agree. ~So would you just ignore it rather than say, no, you're good. I would say something like, I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself. Or, Hmm. That's not how I [00:17:00] see it, but I don't think you're gonna talk 'em out of it. If it's for their fueling their addiction, they're not gonna be talked out of it.
So I would maybe say, why do you say that? And if they actually said something like, I don't know, it would start a conversation I'd pull that string and go with it. So let's just say my husband said
I'm the worst husband ever. She would never say, I would say, why do you say that? He'd say, because you did all the work for this visit with our family, and I really just let you do it, and I feel bad about myself. In that case, I would say in that instance, I would've liked more help, but that doesn't make you the bad, the worst husband ever.
~So I'm, I'm acknowledging why he's saying it, but I'm also saying that's not, doesn't warrant the statement ~if. My son, who is high as a kite and just broke, punched a hole in the wall said. I guess you're just gonna say, I'm the worst son ever. I would say, no, that's absolutely not what I was getting ready to say.
And I would [00:18:00] just keep moving. You can't get in there and say, no, you're not. No you're not. If they're saying it for a purpose or the purpose is more important than the outcome, the purpose is more important than the conversation, and that's where you have to recognize. 'cause the minute you start that, if it is for a purpose.
You are playing tennis. 'cause then he is gonna say, no really I am. You're just saying that. No I'm not honey. And again, that's, you'd wanna get out of that pattern of behavior. You wanna get outta the pattern of communication. 'cause that's what's fueling it. All right. Turtles and plants. That's fun. Can you give us some strategies to keep my head clear When the addict is, pressure me to believe his stories.
~For example, taking care of that, taking care of myself and the children is doing something horrible to him.~
You gotta recognize that he has a need for you to believe his stories. So I think you can say that's an interesting perspective. That's not my intent. I think if you think about that, honey, you'll realize that maybe that's not a hundred percent true. I think again, it's the strategy. Why is he telling you those stories?
Why is he saying [00:19:00] that taking care of yourself and the children is, is harming him? It's so that he can be the victim. So there's no point in em in engaging in a big old conversation about this because the disease has to be the victim. The disease is going to find any way possible to be the victim, to mitigate the shame for what they have done or getting ready to do or did.
I would just, ~I have, I, to be honest, ~I have really short conversations with addiction. If I've got a client that's coming in and he's just like, making up all this crap to, to defend sort of what's going on, just say, wow, that must've been crazy. And then I change the subject, or, huh, that's nuts. And I change the subject.
I'm not gonna be like, you're right. Stealing those, those 12 pack was a really good idea because, you know, quick trip's, just a bad store. ~You're not gonna just, just say, huh, I'm glad you didn't get caught. ~Just know what the purpose is and don't play the game. Okay.
Carla, my son, admits he has a problem, but he thinks that he'll be able to drink in moderation later on in his life. [00:20:00] What's the best way to let him get outta that kind of denial? Well, you absolutely don't argue with it. You just say, well, I hope that when he comes to that decision, you have some good solid resource points to bounce that off of.
Don't say no you're not. No, you can't. 'cause he might, he actually might. Probably not, but he could. So the only way they get out of denial is by trying it and failing. And ~I, ~I learn, I call this the Great American experiment, it very often succeeds, but you can't say to someone, that's not gonna work.
~You're crazy. I could say something like, I hope that you are successful with that. ~Research tells me that you probably won't be, but you know what? You could be the one that beats the odds, or you could be in that small minority that is able to do that. Usually those same clients will come back in six months later and say, yeah, I, ~uh, ~gave that a whirl and it bit me in the fanny.
So ~I, ~I just I've learned, I really just can't. Amber and I used to have, well, it was Amber's client. I was just the intern. She had this client that came in and he was. Had been sober for maybe three months and he came back in. He said, [00:21:00] okay, so you're not gonna like this, but I'm going camping. And camping is where this guy pretty much did a lot of his drinking.
~And ~Amber said, okay, well do you feel solid about it? He goes, absolutely, it's gonna be great. So he comes back, ~we don't, ~we don't see him again. Like he misses his next weekly appointments for like a month. He finally comes in very sheepish, and we're like, where have you been? Like, what's up dude? And he goes you remember the camping?
We were like, yeah. He said, so I decided that I would just buy two tall boys to take up to the campsite. ~One for both night, ~one for each night that I was gonna be there. ~So I, ~I loaded those in the cooler with, ~you know, ~my snacks, my food for dinner, ~and I drank 'em. On the way. ~So then when I passed the Alaska gas station on the way up the hill to go to my campsite, I decided, well, I'll just buy.
I'll get two more and then I'll just drink one tonight and one tomorrow. ~But then I got inside and I thought, well I really should just get like a six pack. ~So he buys a six pack, he drinks the six pack on the way to the campsite and then decides, well, I can't not have beer for tomorrow. So he turns around and goes back to the gas station to buy [00:22:00] another six pack, but he gets pulled and gets a DUI on the way down to the gas station.
And so because it was not his first DUI, he had spent some time behind bars. And instead of shaming him or doing anything, we, Amber just kinda laughed and she said, what do you have to say Campbell? I said, well, what'd you learn? And he said, not to camp. We were like, okay, good job. So again, we could have said to him right there in that, first session when he said, I'm going camping.
~This is an error. Don't do this, this, it's too soon. You're not ready. Take other people. But he did. ~We didn't because you can't talk someone out of denial. You have to let them learn the hard way. Unfortunately, it's terrible. Again, hard to have a front seat and that's where for parents, it's particularly hard if the child is living at home.
~Um, and for spouses. Hard because the spouse is living at home and, and they're often little children involved, but if you can, you can get out of taking the front road seat to it.~
All right, Luke, my father is a cocaine addict and has moved into the summer house in the garden. Whenever he calls me, I feel stressed. How far should you go with boundaries? Should I buy his food and do his laundry? I definitely would not be doing his laundry. You can buy his food if for you're doing it for you, if you're doing it because it makes you too [00:23:00] uptight or too sad or.
You can't put your pillow, your head on your pillow at night because you don't want your dad to be hungry. Then buying food. If you're doing it because your dad won't buy his own food and is just sitting out there doing drugs and is waiting, you know, feeling entitled, then I wouldn't do it. ~This, these, that's a gray question in my mind, because maybe the right answer is not, the brain answer is not what the heart answer needs to be.~
So I think for you, Luke, you're gonna have to decide. Am I gonna feel terrible if I don't feed him? Am I gonna feel terrible if I don't do the laundry or am I doing it because he's not doing it and someone has to do it? I would, addiction doesn't respond to consequences, but until something happens for them to determine their life is unmanageable, they don't recognize that they truly have a problem.
~So you're, again, this is sort of a great question and I would do what your heart tells you to do. Absolutely. ~All right, Dale, my al, my alcoholic loved one is starting showing signs of liver damage. Are there different approaches to use at this stage to help break through the denial preparation cycle? I think the way I, the approach that I would use is to ask your loved one.
Upon receiving that news, how do you feel about that? ~What is, ~is that making [00:24:00] you scared? ~Is that, ~do you believe that? I would ask questions for them to sort of breadcrumb themselves to the truth, but if you start harping on it, they'll just deny it. They'll be, it's not that bad, it's just the beginning.
Your ~my liver ~livers will repair themselves, like calm down. So you don't wanna over highlight it, but you can ask questions around the topic so that they can see God, I, yeah, I am kind of scared about that. Maybe I should do something about that. You know, I've been trying to stop drinking, but I'm really not having any luck.
Maybe I need to go seek some professional help. Like the more you softly encourage thought, the more the action will actually be happening on their part. ~The more we shine the flashlight harp point out, this is horrible. You've gotta stop. Like, didn't you hear the doctor? They're we're going the opposite way.~
~Okay? So don't do that. All right. Do we have one more quickie? ~My husband had one year of sobriety, but has relapsed repeatedly over the last six months. He's currently in detox and does not want me to tell our adult children, I don't wanna lie. Advice, I wouldn't tell your adult children, but if they say, where's dad?
Haven't heard from dad lately. Can I talk to dad then? Don't lie. But if he doesn't want you to [00:25:00] tell, I wouldn't overtly call them all or text them all and say, Hey, BTW, dad's in detox. But if it comes up organically, I wouldn't lie. All right, we are out of time. What do you do if he wants no contact, even after trying to reach out after a realistic timeframe?
I honor no contact. ~I, ~if they say they don't want contact, I would give it to 'em. 'cause ~if you, ~if you don't if they relapse, if they use, it's gonna be because you didn't honor the no contact. So, again, you don't wanna fuel the addiction by, by engaging in a way that they're not gonna engage 'em well. All right, we are out of time for today.
~I hope, ~I hope fueling the addiction was a helpful topic. I hope that we put the links in this video for our membership. 'cause if this was helpful, then maybe you would like to, ~um, ~be curious about what our membership entails and then we put links in if anybody needs individual sessions with either Kim or me.
So anyway, hope that helps. It was great. See you guys all. Bye-bye.
