AI Edits from The Secret to Recognizing Addictive Thoughts
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[00:00:00] Have you ever felt trapped in your own thoughts? Racing repetitive and relentless? You're not alone. Today we're gonna be breaking down addictive thinking, how it sneaks in, ~how, ~why it feels so compelling, and what you can do to take the control back. Now, this isn't about moralizing or even trying to stop every.
Addictive or craving kind of thought that you have. It's about learning to identify the patterns. Interrupt, ~interrupt the, ~the loop ~that you're in, the cycle ~that you're in, and build smarter responses that help the craving go away and don't make it better. Earlier this month, I was talking to one of my recovery.
Clients. My recco strength is called Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching Clients. And this was a lady, we're gonna call her Jean, that's not her real name, but we're gonna call her that for the sake of this [00:01:00] video. ~And ~one of Jean's biggest triggers is being frustrated with her husband because she feels like her husband is a little bit hypocritical and a lot of it controlling.
Jean feels ~like, you know, it's ~like. He's so mad at me about my drinking and insisted that I go to rehab and is threatened to leave me if I don't stop drinking. But he still drinks. He goes out with his friends, he drinks in the house, he drinks around me. And this is sort of a big resentment for Gene and you guys that watch these videos, you know, I talk a lot about how resentment and self pity that is the formula for bad decision making, and that was definitely the case for Jean.
I've been working with Jean for a while now and she knows that her two big triggers are getting angry at her husband and also her other big trigger, which is one that's kind of universally big for almost everyone. [00:02:00] It's one that I call, ~um, ~the coast is clear, meaning I'm sort of left all alone to my devices.
No one's watching over me. I've got some time to myself. Because when you've had an addiction, especially if it's been drinking or something like that, you're so used to sneaking. And so when the family's away or you know, you've got the coast is clear, that's almost automatically becomes a huge trigger.
So Jean was in a situation where she had kind of gotten into argument with her husband earlier in the week, but then on Thursday he was gonna leave to go to like a work conference. At the work conference, as you could imagine, there's a good amount of drinking and partying. It's sort of like, go hang out with my friends and have big fun and call it a work event.
At least that's the way she felt about it. So the husband leaves on Thursday. Now, [00:03:00] Judy and I have been talking about this actually leading up because she knew and I knew, we both knew that this was gonna be like. ~Situation. This is gonna be like a test, I guess I should call it ~a test for her and how she could handle it.
And she hadn't really told the husband that she was nervous about this because the last thing she wanted was for him to cancel his trip and stay home and babysit her, because that's another thing just aggravates her, is that she's a Chrome woman. Very, and feels like she's being babysat. So we have been talking about this.
She had sort of went through. I don't know, a rollercoaster of emotions. She was mad about it and then she was fine. Then she was mad about it. Then she was fine. Well, Thursday came and he went away and he was gone for, probably a couple of hours at this point. And she's really struggling. I mean, she is squirming inside and she's, the more she thinks about it.
The more mad she's getting. She's like, this is ridiculous. I can't believe he's, he's away. I know what he's gonna be doing. And [00:04:00] she just worked herself up into a giant frenzy. So she, the first thing she does, she starts literally rummaging through the whole house trying to see if she could find some alcohol, because she knows that she used to hide alcohol all over the house.
~And she's like, I bet there's some alcohol hidden in here that I have forgot about because. When you drink a lot, you sometimes forget things and she's like, I know there's some in here. ~She tore the house down. Okay. Like she looked everywhere but couldn't find anything. The only thing that was there was a couple of like, ~um, ~non-alcoholic beers left over in the fridge.
And so she's trying to calm herself down and she's like, let me just, lemme just drink one of these maybe that'll like. Sort of scratch the itch. So she drinks the, sure, she opens the nine o'clock beer. She drinks about half of it, and she's like, this ain't cutting it. You gotta imagine she's telling me this story after the fact.
I'm literally holding my breath while I'm hearing this story because I'm like, I don't know how the story's gonna end. ~I'm like, I'm gonna have to close my eyes. ~I can't even look when I'm listening to her story 'cause I don't know what's about to happen, but I know it's not gonna be good. So she [00:05:00] drinks this half non-alcoholic beer that wasn't cutting it.
And so she decides she's gonna go to the liquor store. Now we call 'em a b, C stores. I don't know what you guys call 'em in your area, put in the, ~um, ~chat. But what do you call 'em in your area? ~But we call 'em, they're called a BC stores. I don't really even know what that stands for. Why? It's called a BC store.~
I don't even know, but that's what they're called here. So anyways, she leaves to go to the liquor store. She. It kind of feels sketchy and you know, it's like, you know when you're doing something wrong, you're out in public, you feel like everyone's looking at you. That's the way she felt. So she like, sort of sneakily, like goes in there, she buys three little mini bottles and then puts 'em in her purse, gets in the car, goes back home.
She has these mini bottles in her purse and she's really struggling with whether or not she's gonna drink 'em. She's back and forth. She's back and forth. She's like literally doing all the skills. She's playing the tape. That's the recovery skill that we talk about playing the tape, which is sort of like thinking it through, how's this story gonna end?
And she starts to realize like, [00:06:00] this isn't gonna be good. ~I know that. ~I know that my daughter, she has an adult daughter is gonna come over and check on me tomorrow because she knows her dad's outta town. ~And you know, they all think that I'm like. A child, ~I know she's gonna come over and check on me.
What if I drink too much? What if I get intoxicated? What if she knows? What if she finds out? And one good thing is she has a great relationship with her daughter. And one of the things that really motivates her is that her daughter's really proud of her and she's actually got a brand new grand baby.
It's very important to her. And she's like, if my daughter finds out, I've been drinking. She's not gonna let me see my grandbaby. She's not gonna let me babysit my grandbaby. She's not gonna trust me. So she's really struggling with this back and forth. She's still got the three mini bottles okay, in her first.
So she gets frustrated, she gets mad she's like, I gotta get rid of these. I gotta get rid of these before I drink 'em. She decide she's gonna throw 'em away, but she doesn't wanna throw 'em away in her own trash because that leaves evidence. So she goes, she sneaks over to [00:07:00] the neighbors and sort of throws them in their recycle bin and she goes back home and she's like, okay, I did it.
But then she's still thinking about it and she knows that these video bottles are literally just like sitting on the top of the recycle bin stuff. ~And so she's super tempted to. Go back over there and get them back out, right? Like she's like, I could still go over there. You know, they're not buried down in the trash or literally on the top of the recycle bin, I could just ski 'em.~
So she was still craving, she's still struggling and she tried to put something on tv. She tried to watch something on Netflix that didn't work. She tried to go for a walk that didn't work 'cause she kept finding herself wanting to walk to the neighbor's house and she's just really struggling. So she goes back home, she tries to call a friend in recovery.
~And that was a little bit helpful. ~And finally this whole process, I mean, it was like mental torture for hours. She's really like struggling here. And she finally says, that's it, and she leaves the house. This is the point in the story. I'm like, seriously closing my eyes. And she runs over to the neighbor's house.
She gets it and she just pours it all out on the ground so that they're not. Full bottles and then throws 'em back into the recycle bin. And she said at [00:08:00] that point I felt the most giant relief I have ever felt in my life. It is like suddenly it was over and I could breathe. And just the way she described that relief like, like giant weights had been lifted off her shoulder because even before the husband left, she had been.
Stressing about this. So this really wasn't even, I mean, it was really like acutely bad during these hours on that Thursday or whatever. But even before that, it had been building and building and building, and it was like, will I wanna, you know? She was back and forth about it. And so once she finally made that final decision and got ~rid of it, ~rid of it.
She felt immensely, a million times better. And then she decided, you know what? I'm just gonna go to a meeting. 'cause she knew there was a meeting starting in about 45 minutes. So she gets in her car, drives to meetings. She doesn't even really like meetings, but she doesn't know what else to do and she knows she's been in a not great.
Spot. And [00:09:00] she's like, I gotta do something because this is crazy behavior. Like, she's like, I felt exactly like I used to feel back when I was drinking every single day. She was back to the sneaking, the hiding the building resentments, all the things the calculating like, how much can I drink? How many hours do I have?
~How am I gonna not get caught? Where am I gonna throw this stuff away? And she's like, I was just literally right back to where I was. ~So she. She goes to a meeting and she, she shares about this experience, and she usually goes to meetings. Like I said, she doesn't really like 'em. She goes to 'em sometimes, not all the time, but when she goes, she usually just kind of sits in the back and listens.
But she decided she was gonna share today. So she shares this story, and I gotta tell you, ~she has, she is a good storyteller. Okay? Like ~she has a really good ability to like. Lay it out for you. ~She tells, she tells the story way better than I tell the story, I promise. Because ~you're like literally on the edge of your seat.
Listen to this. She tells a story in the meeting, and then after the meeting, people are coming up to her saying, oh my gosh, I cannot believe you actually got that far. You bought the alcohol, you had it in your house, in your purse alone, and you didn't drink. And they were like, if [00:10:00] that was me, I would've drank it.
And so she got a lot of like positive encouragement and she talked about it, which made her feel even more better. And then after the meeting, she actually felt really good and actually felt not just better because she didn't drink, but better because she talked about it. And actually a lot more positive about the meeting because she is like.
And then so and so told me their crazy story and, and she, I think it made her feel the first time really like connected to the people around her. So this story has a good ending, but I gotta tell you, I don't know that I've ever heard of a client getting that close and you turning around. So I was pretty dang impressed.
To be honest. ~I've heard, I've had clients get, halfway to the store and turn around. ~I've had clients get like to the door of the store and turn around, but I don't know that I've ever had clients like, buy it, put it in their car, drive it home, have the opportunity and turn around. So this was massive and it [00:11:00] really shows like even though this is hard, how much she really, really wants it.
So that's why I wanted to talk to you yesterday about addictive thinking for most people. ~There's there, I mean, ~addictive thing can happen anytime, but for most people ~there's, ~there's usually a pattern for your thinking, and there are probably certain either external cues or internal emotional states that trigger this level of thinking.
And when it happens it's sort of like a craving, but it's more obsessive. It'll make you feel super stressed. Irritable, edgy. And then what happens when you have that feeling and you really wanna do it is then you start into this justification cycle of. Why it's okay or why it's not that big a deal.
~And so you, it starts with like the craving. You move into the justification cycle, the rationalizations, the justifications. I've got some videos on this if you guys wanna check 'em out, that talk specifically about what those rationalizations and justifications look like. ~Then you move from that into the, I call it the scheming phase, where you start planning and scheming with sketchy plans [00:12:00] about how am I gonna get it?
How am I gonna hide it? How am I gonna consume it? How am I gonna get rid of the evidence? What am I gonna tell my family member about what I spend that money on? All the things that are involved with your addiction, you start scheming and planning. And when you do that, you start visualizing and imagining either what's about to happen or things from the past, and you're really getting yourself super worked up.
The key here, if you're having this kind of addictive thought process, is to recognize your pattern. And a lot of you can probably even recognize. Your patterns are before they even start. ~So ~if you even know what your patterns are, when it does start, you're gonna recognize it even faster because you're gonna already know, like this situation is likely to trigger this kind of thought or feeling, especially if you have your addictive behavior associated with certain people, places, things, or emotions.
And it's not always like [00:13:00] negative emotions that can trigger this stuff sometimes. A lot of times it's like positive emotions that can trigger this kind of thing. Like when you feel really happy or you've had a really big success or you wanna celebrate something. Or another one my clients and I talk about a lot is like when you, maybe you had a giant work project or ~you maybe ~you had ~a, like ~a speaking engagement you had to do like something that was ~like ~a lot of work and a lot of stress and it's finally over.
There's this ~like. ~Relief feeling, and it's like you've been ~like ~working up to this thing, whatever it is, putting in a lot of time, hours, effort, and then it's over. And it's like all of a sudden ~when that you get that feeling, it's like ~your guard goes down because finally ~it's like ~it's, I call it the, ~um.~
They go home and put your yoga pants outta your church clothes into your yoga pants, feeling, that's what I call it. It's like, ah, finally. And so when you do that, which you totally deserve to do, you're letting your whole guard down. And a lot of times when you let your guard down like that, ~like ~all kinds of stuff can sneak in.
So that's another big triggering kind of situation [00:14:00] for a lot of people. Once you recognize it, then you can interrupt it. The thing you don't wanna do is get in your head ~like in this story this particular client, oh my, it was like, it was horrible. Like I'm telling you, she tells story so much better than me.~
~But it was like mental torture. That was excruciating. It was painful. It went on for hours. So ~if you can redirect ~that thought or ~those thoughts, those cravings, those sneaky thoughts, the sooner in the process you do that, the better. What I think ~you ~works best is something that requires you to pay attention.
So if you're home alone in a situation like that, ~like ~I suggest that you leave and go somewhere else that you engage in something. Something that's probably not like reading a book or watching TV because. Those kinds of things are really just easy to zone out on, and you are not really watching or reading and you're still thinking about it.
So like literally shift whatever is happening. Put yourself in a different place. If you're in a risky place, definitely take yourself away from that risky place. Shift the gear, basically like distracting yourself and then. The other thing, and this is what this particular client did that [00:15:00] that was so helpful, is it's called, I call it telling on your disease.
It's basically like saying it out loud to someone is a hugely helpful skill because it's kind of like turning the light on a scary monster and it's like, oh, you're not that scary or whatever, and then ~it, ~it just makes it have less power over you. To say it out loud and when this client is telling the story, like in the meeting and even to me, ~you know, at ~at the point she's telling it to me, we're kind of like laughing about it.
I'm like, you did what? You know? And I'm ~like, oh, like dramatic about. 'cause I'm just ~like, oh my gosh. And so ~we're kind of, ~we're kind of laughing about it together, which is actually pretty healthy because like I know crazy, right? And unless she's like telling me all these details. And you can sort of see it for what it is and when you can pull it out like that and maybe if it's, it's kind of story you can laugh at, laugh at it.
It has so much less power over you. So recognize it, distract, and tell [00:16:00] someone about it. Now you might be thinking, who should I tell? And that can be tricky. ~Okay. ~Each of you will have to decide who's a person or people in your life that are safe to tell. Now, ~if you're, ~if you've got a family, which most of you do, your family might say, well, you can come talk to me anytime.
You can tell me, and ~they, ~they completely 100% mean it. But in your mind, you might be thinking, yeah, but they're gonna ~like ~freak out. If I tell them they're gonna spiral, they're gonna start ~like ~watching me like a hawk. They're gonna ask me a million questions and this is just not gonna be helpful. If you know that your family member is gonna react like that, then that might not be the person to tell.
~You, ~you wanna have someone else that can help you process it. It's not gonna panic or freak out because that's gonna give it even more power, and then you're gonna feel, ~uh, ~worse about it, which is just gonna make your craving even worse. ~So ~you have to have someone that can handle it, but you also have to have someone that's not [00:17:00] gonna, ~you know, ~be a bad influence and lead you in the wrong direction or anything like that either.
So think who do you have in your life that you can trust to, to talk to about it? Obviously if you have a counselor coach. That's for sure a great person to talk to about it. But maybe you don't have an appointment for four or five days or something like that. Do you have someone else? ~And ~it doesn't even necessarily have to be a professional for sure.
~And ~it doesn't even have to be someone in recovery. If you have friends in recovery. That's definitely a great avenue ~to, ~to go down and it makes it easier. But it's just anybody you trust that you can talk to, that's not gonna overreact and that's gonna help you feel better about the situation and help you redirect the thought.
That's 'cause that's what you need in the moment. So think about who you have in your life. It could be ~a a ~somebody from a support group. It could be somebody from your church. It could be a best friend. It could be your cousin. It could be your Aunt Sally, whoever that is. Go ahead and have an idea and a list of people that you could say this out loud to that are not gonna freak out.
So these are things [00:18:00] you can do beforehand, like relapse prevention kind of strategies, like know what your triggers are so you can spot 'em. Have some ideas about what you could do to distract yourself instead. ~Like ~I have a lot of clients who literally, when I feel this way, I go do this and it shifts the gear for me and they have a plan ~because it's really hard to think.~
It's extremely hard to think, especially when everything in your brain is screaming at you to make a certain decision that you're trying to resist making. So you need to have a way to shift that gear, so know what your triggers are first. Have a plan for what you're gonna do instead, have a list of people who you can talk to and tell this thing out loud to, and that is a real, pretty good relapse prevention strategy.
~I've got a lot of other videos on this channel for those of you who wanna know more about those like justification processes. We've got several videos on that, and that's another thing you can do to help you recognize that you're in that addictive thinking spiral. ~We are about to the point to take some questions and comments.
I will remind you guys, as always, we have additional resources in the description and I think ~I, ~I put one in the description this time that is like a free download. It talks about emotional triggers to help you sort [00:19:00] of identify those ~and, ~and that kind of thing. 'cause I thought it might be a good resource to go along with this video so it's in there.
And then of course, if you want extra help, if you want recovery coaching, that's all in there. Then also we are going to do our, ~um, ~motivation unlock challenge again. We did it ~last ~this past week for the first time, and ~it was ~it was really good. Actually. It's been a long time since I did like a group thing like that other than these YouTube lives, which is great.
You guys asked me questions, but I can't really see you guys and so in the challenge last week, I actually gotta see people and ~it was, ~it was actually pretty cool. We're gonna do it one more time before the end of the year. It's probably gonna be the last time we do this challenge for the end of the year.
It's for people who have partners who are functional alcoholics, and it's all about how do I motivate them to actually want to address this problem. In a way, this is not gonna cause conflict. You're not gonna be the bad guy. In fact, the whole thing is designed so that you don't even have to talk about, you don't even [00:20:00] have to mention the word alcohol.
You don't even have to bring it up. Because it's not even necessary to help motivate someone to make a change. So if you have a partner who's a, a functioning alcoholic and you wanna be involved in that, check out that link, go ahead and get signed up. It is gonna be very most likely. 'cause I don't know that I'm gonna have time to do it in December.
The last time we do that challenge for the end of year. So the link is down there. Check that out and then we're gonna take some questions. ~You see those little question boxes in the chat there? That's different, isn't it? Those haven't always been there. That's kinda, I don't know if the person put them there or that's like a new, um, feature of the software or something.~
~It's kind of neat. You see what I'm talking about? Yeah. Those are neat. There. All right. Peggy says, my son has, oh, it's gone away. Yeah, you have not. There we go. ~Peggy says, my son has been a meth addict for eight years. He's had psychosis for the last two years. He's been in jail for a year without drugs.
I'm worried how it's going to be when he gets home. What can I do? I think the thing of it is, is not the question isn't so much about what you can do, but what he can do. And so the best thing to do is to talk to him about what he thinks is helpful. A lot of what we talk about in the motivational unlock challenges is finding those solutions [00:21:00] and those motivational seeds inside of your loved one.
So I guess that's what you could do is you could look for. What are their motivators to continue to be sober and bring those to the surface. And then you could ask him, you know, what is, what does he think is gonna be helpful? What does he think is gonna be difficult about it? And by doing that, you're making him answer those questions so you can kind of help him come to those realizations.
A lot of times ~if, ~if you have advice and you think, well, I'm gonna tell him to do this, or I'm gonna tell him if he's gonna come to my house, these are the rules or whatever. That doesn't usually go over so well. What you wanna do is have someone come up with their own solutions. 'cause deep down inside we kind of know ourselves.
We know what works for us, what doesn't. We know what we're willing to do and what we're not. And there are ways you can ~kind of help someone come to the decision to do those things, but ~help him find some solutions.
He shy. Says, are alcoholics more likely to develop addictions to phones or social media? He likes to drink and scroll [00:22:00] horrible. Thanks. I mean, I think anyone that has an addiction, any kind of addiction is probably more prone to other addictions. But I don't know, is it an addiction to the phone? Is it a bad habit? Is it associated only when he drinks or it's there all the time? ~Of course when I read these chats I always have like a million questions I wanna ask you. ~So yes, anyone who has an addiction is probably likely to get, 'cause they just have an addictive, a lot of times they just have an addictive tendency.
And I actually have a great video about addictive personality disorder. Not disorder addictive personality, which isn't really like a clinical term, but it's something we've all heard before about how it's actually a superpower. But when you're in unhealthy addictions, it's just a badly used superpower.
Looks like we don't have any questions today. We've never only had two questions. Brie, do you guys have questions? Is something wrong with our chat? 'cause it does look different.
Somebody put some like a little hands up emoji in the chat so we can see, oh, there comes something [00:23:00] Therea says. How and when do you begin talking to a child about how drugs can possibly turn on a hereditary schizophrenia gene? Not to scare them, but to educate them on the risk factors for them compared to their peers.
Is it even appropriate? This is a good question, but a tough question Theresa. I've got a 14-year-old son myself, and I struggle with these kind of questions my own self. You, you would think I have these answers, but it's not always clear. I can tell you that with young people, what isn't gonna work is any kind of like scare tactics.
It rarely works to say, you know, your uncle had this, or your brother had this. If they don't have a lot of experience with that loved one, you might can say, you know, your great grandfather had this. But if they don't have a relationship, they haven't seen that in that person, they're not gonna really emotionally connect to what [00:24:00] that quite means.
So I always just say, don't try to use scare tactics. Try to, if you're gonna have conversations like this with your kids, always be honest. ~Don't try to scare them. ~Don't try to overplay it. Like, be really honest. Like when I. I talked to my son about it 'cause he just asked me questions occasionally. I don't really like bring it up so much as when he brings it up, we just talk about it and he'll say, why do people drink?
And I say, well, it feels good for a minute. Like, I'm not gonna tell you it doesn't. And I talk about what that is and then I'm like, the problem is it feels so good. You wanna keep doing it. And it's the keep doing it that causes the problem. And so don't try to like scare someone from a substance like the whole, like just say no to drugs ~and the whole, you guys.~
Are old like me. You remember that commercial where it's like, this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, and it was the egg in the frying pan. Not effective. None of that is effective. So just be super honest and make ~it ~the conversation be not intimidating or threatening, which is training your kid that this is like an okay [00:25:00] conversation to have and you're not gonna go on a lecture and you're not gonna freak out and you're super casual about it because then they'll come back and ask you more questions.
And when you do it that way. The way I'm telling you, you have massive credibility and you guys know how I feel about the credibility, your credibility's, everything. So it's a way of training 'em that, hey, we can have these conversations and you can trust what I say. 'cause I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
Paula says, I know the point is for them to be able to tell it to someone and that's what's helpful for them. But if we are the person they tell. What should we respond with and how do we not say the wrong thing? ~This is a really good question. Sometimes the family members are good at managing this kind of thing.~
It's just that you just kinda have to know is your person good at it? And Paul, you're gonna be good at it 'cause you're asking the right questions. ~You are just calm. ~Here's the thing, if someone's telling you that they really wanna use or drink or whatever, or they're craving or something like that, what it means is they're trying not to.
They wouldn't be telling it to you. So when clients tell me like, all these [00:26:00] things, I feel good about it because, I mean, ~I don't feel, ~it's hard for them, so I'm not like happy about it, but ~I'm, ~I feel less worried about it because if they ~were ~really wanted to go do it, they wouldn't be telling it to me.
They're telling it to me because they want it to go away, or they wanna figure out why it's happening, something in a positive direction. So just know when they tell you that, just be cool, be chill. Ask them. Say, I'm really glad you told me. Like, is there anything I can do to help? Is there anything you can do to help?
Like what you know? And don't overplay it. Don't talk about it longer than they want to talk about it. Don't freak out. Don't say, ~ha, ~have you gone to your meetings? Are you taking your medicine? ~You know, don't say any of that kind of things. ~Just be cool. And again, you're just training 'em that's safe to talk about.
And you don't have to do any particular thing. It's just letting them talk about it in a safe place that does the trick.
Art bashed by Wendy says, what is the number one way to support someone who is an IOP? We're doing, they are doing good, working on the steps, and I just want them to [00:27:00] know I support them in their recovery. I love this question. You're ask, you guys are asking the right questions today, that's for sure. If they're in IOPI, I have like 10 answers come to my head at one time.
~So I'm trying to decide which ones are helpful. ~The first answer that come to my head when I was reading this question is if, I don't know how old this person is, but if they're like a working person, they're an IOP, they probably are, it takes up a lot of time 'cause it usually takes up at least nine hours a week.
So sometimes just helping them with practical things like watching the kids or. Taking care of a chore for them or driving them sometimes just practical help like can be great. And then as far as like emotionally, just be curious, you know, just say what's it like in there? Be like, what do you feel like when you're in there?
Which counselor? ~Like, ~and whatever they say to you, even if they tell you something that they don't like about it. Don't panic and don't try to be like, well, but you know, ~and like, ~'cause you get scared. If they tell you something that [00:28:00] they don't like about it or that they don't believe that's being said, you start trying to convince them otherwise.
'cause you're scared. Oh my gosh, they're gonna quit and that's gonna mean bad news. Don't do that. Just be cool. Be like, yeah, I could see that. Like, yeah, that kind of would be crappy. You know, like just be a good listener from, and if you're gonna ask questions, ask it from like a. An interested, curious point of view and not like an interrogation point of view and just don't talk about it all the time.
It's one of the big complaints that a lot of clients have is like, it's like, oh my God, I don't even want to call my mom or talk to my wife 'cause I know it's just gonna be interrogation. 'cause they're constantly thinking about it and it just stresses 'em out. ~So, ~Abby says. I have a problem involving my, involving my addicted husband, pointing a gun at me while under the influence.
We have conflicting stories and he says he has regrets, but defends his drinking. How do I address it?
I don't know. This is another one I'm having like 20 thoughts about. I'm having to sort through 'em really fast here. Okay, [00:29:00] so if your husband. Gets angry when he drinks and he has gotten the gun in the past. If he drinks again, the chances that that will happen again are pretty high. People tend to like do the same pattern over and over and over when they drink.
~If they get angry, they're gonna get angry. If they pass out, they're gonna pass out. If they fall, they're gonna fall. If they get obnoxious, they're gonna get obnoxious. So ~if this has happened once and your person is continuing to drink, it could happen again. So I would just on a practical basis. Either get yourself outta that situation.
Remove yourself from the house until he is sober, or at least remove the weapons. You need to think about safety before you think about what's therapeutic. Like before you think about, what would Amber say to say to him, you need to think about how do I keep myself safe? So that's what I want you to do first and foremost.
But the other part of what you're saying here, Abby, is he says he re he regrets the. The threatening or the gun thing, but defends his drinking. How do you address it? You don't wanna ever wanna ask someone a question or make a statement, it's gonna [00:30:00] make them think or verbalize out loud the opposite of what you want 'em think.
And so if you're trying to get them to see that the drinking is a problem, that's gonna immediately make your partner in their own mind, like defend the drinking, ~because that's. That's just a natural response. ~When someone points out something we do wrong, we naturally, some of us say it out loud. ~It depends on personality, ~and some of us just think it in our head, ~but we all at least think it.~
We defend why that happened or why it's not that big a deal, or why you're partly to blame or how you're not perfect either. ~Like we start having all these defensive thoughts, ~so the more directly you push them about the topic, the more they defend it in their head. So you never want to put someone in a position to do that.
You wanna ask questions and make statements that actually make them think the thought that you want them to think.
Tebo, I dunno if I'm saying that right. 'cause my partner is often overconfident says he knows the next strategy he's about to try will 100% work and they never do. Should I fe agreement or should I be honest with my concerns about why? ~I, ~I'm wondering if your [00:31:00] person is, like, when you say the a hundred percent strategy, I'm wondering if those strategies are like, how am I gonna stay sober or how am I gonna. Do it less. So if it's a strategy for trying to manage the addiction, what you wanna do is you wanna let that play out. Because what you're trying to get the person to realize is that the managing it isn't gonna work.
So you don't wanna intervene in that or help them manage it. ~Like, ~like if someone says, I'm not gonna smoke more than. Three times a week or whatever. You don't wanna on day four, when they pick it up, you don't wanna like try to stop them and you want them to realize that they're not sticking to their own rules.
So if it's a managing thing, that's how I would do it. If it's, this is what I know I can do to stay sober, I'm always about implanting the idea that yeah, you do know and yeah, you are gonna conquer this. Like, I never wanna send messages to someone that says. You know, you always say that and it never works.
I wanna say. Yeah, dude, I know, and I know maybe it hasn't worked out in the past, but dude, this is trial and error. ~Like, ~[00:32:00] tell me about your strategy, what else? And then you can like, add a saying, ~oh, and or, and ~hey, if that doesn't work, we'll do the next thing. So that it feels like you're walking alongside of them and not trying to~ you don't, if someone's trying to do the right thing, you don't wanna like.~
Come against it even if you know it's not the best plan. So what I do when clients tell me plans I know is not gonna work, ~which is often ~I'll just say, okay, I like it, let's do it. If it doesn't work, that's cool, man. I got like plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Don't worry about it like we're gonna start here. If it doesn't work, ~we'll ~we'll do the next thing.
We're gonna conquer this one way or the other. That's the message that I like to send. Mary says. How do I get my mindset ready if shit hits the fan? We depend on hubby's income. I feel I need to be financially prepared. I completely agree with you. Making some logistical and financial plans is what you're gonna have to do to feel more prepared because if you just feel like your person is unstable and everything about your.[00:33:00]
Living situation and you're being okay, depends on that. You're not going to feel better until you get something under you. So I would find a way to address the financial situation. Either find a backup plan or have somewhere else where you would go and stay if that happens, or find a way to bring some income in or something.
But I would address it from a practical standpoint, first and foremost.
Philip says My loved one has an amphetamine addiction for years now. He has moments where he really wants to stop, but it seems like he doesn't know where to start from to build his life back. It's hard when he has tried so many times and failed with added problems with motivation and willpower as withdrawal symptoms from amphetamine addiction, how to gain the confidence back.
You're spot on here when someone's coming off of them. An amphetamine, the withdrawal symptom is sort of like extreme fatigue [00:34:00] and feeling depressed and feeling hopeless. Withdrawal symptoms are always the opposite of whatever the drug does. So if it's a stimulant, which is what amphetamines are, then that makes you feel like positive and keyed up and motivated.
Focused and energized. So the withdrawal is the opposite of that. And I, in my experience, find that if it's pretty serious stimulant withdrawal, it lasts kind of like longer than other withdrawal periods. So it really is hard because they're really, ~um, ~have a tough time staying motivated. So I encourage people to have plans that don't rely completely on willpower.
Like, can you do this in a place? That you can't access it or you know, it would be really hard to access it. If you're trying to do it and you know that right next door is the dealer or a person that's got a prescription or whatever it is, that's gonna be bad news. So sometimes it's just a practical matter [00:35:00] and.
If you know you're gonna be depressed and you're not gonna be motivated, and it's easy to give up in those points of view. You wanna make it hard to get it if you, if that happens to you, because guess what? It's probably likely gonna happen to you for you to feel that way.
~Monkey Frenchy. Hey, I like your profile name. That's fun. Um, ~I'm financially dependent and have. Extra needs kids. I find it very hard to pamper my partner with compassion and validation after months of emotional abuse. It sounds masochistic. How can I behave? I think it depends a lot on what your goal is.
And you, you bring up a really, IM important point. It's something that I frequently ~actually ~feel pretty guilty about because I know that. A lot of you are in really hard situations where you're not being treated very well, and I'm telling you to treat someone with empathy and kindness and optimism when to be completely honest, they don't deserve it.
I'm right there with you. They don't a lot of times. But it is what works. And so ~what you, ~if you are [00:36:00] trying to stay, and I'm not even saying you should, if you're trying to stay and you're trying to get through to them, then you need to use ~what, ~what we call strategic empathy. And that is strategically saying empathetic statements.
You don't even have to feel it. It's strategic. That's why it's called strategic empathy to. Shift that person's thinking in a better direction. So that's what you would do as far as to them. Is it fair? No. Does it feel right when you do it? Probably not. ~Um, ~but is that what works? Yes. However, you might also need to think about what you're gonna do to, ~like we talked to the other person about like to prepare for what is my safety plan, how am I gonna be okay?~
Financially, you need to like logistically put some things in place that'll actually help you to be more compassionate because you'll feel safer and you'll be like, I have a safety net and I know what I'm gonna do to be able to pull that off. Alright, we are out of time. Bri recess. You guys are awesome.
Don't forget the resources and the description. Don't forget [00:37:00] motivational, unlike challenges coming up one more time in November. I think it's in the middle of November and this time, instead of doing it Monday through Friday, ~I ~we're gonna do it Thursday through Monday. 'cause I know a lot of people work during the week and it's a little harder.
So we tried to shift it up to make it, ~um. ~Available to some people. It wasn't available to last time, so check all that stuff out, the emotional triggers, resources down there. And I will see you guys next week. We're live every Thursday at one, and we release new videos every Tuesday. Bye everybody.
