"Am I Part of the Problem? 😔💔" 5 Signs You Could Be Enabling Addiction
5 Signs You Might Be Enabling Your Loved One’s Addiction
Enabling goes beyond simply paying someone’s bills or letting them stay under your roof. It’s a deeper, more complex dynamic that can keep your loved one stuck in unhealthy patterns. In this post, we’ll walk through five major signs that you might be enabling someone struggling with addiction. Think about each sign as you read—does it resonate with your experience?
If you're here, you're likely concerned that you might be enabling someone you care about.
So, let’s explore the five signs that you might be enabling:
1. Shielding Them from Natural Consequences
If your loved one isn’t facing the natural outcomes of their actions, they might not see a reason to change. Natural consequences happen when someone’s actions lead to logical results, like missing work and getting fired. On the other hand, punishment is something you impose in response to bad behavior. By stepping in and fixing their problems, they might feel like everything is fine.
For those who’ve heard me talk before, you know that I advocate using positive reinforcement and building trust with your loved one. But without allowing natural consequences, it’s difficult for them to recognize the impact of their behavior. The key is a balanced approach that combines supportive relationships with real accountability.
2. Feeling Resentful Towards Them
If you’re over-functioning in the relationship—doing far more than your fair share—you might start feeling resentful. You’re probably putting in a lot of effort, maybe 90 or even 100 percent, while they’re barely contributing. This can leave you feeling frustrated, bitter, and even passive-aggressive, especially when you’re cleaning up messes they should be handling.
When you feel resentment creeping in, it’s a strong indicator that you’re doing more than you should. Step back and let them experience the weight of their own actions. They’re more likely to realize the need for change when they feel the discomfort of their own choices.
3. They Feel Resentful Towards You
It might seem counterintuitive, but the person you’re helping might actually resent you. When someone isn’t stepping up, and they know it, they often project their feelings of shame onto you. They start seeing you as the source of their discomfort, even if you’re just trying to help. This projection creates a tense, uncomfortable dynamic between you, and it can make both of you feel bad about the relationship.
However, remember that cutting off enabling entirely can also lead to resentment on their part. The key here is to understand *why* they feel resentful—if they’re upset because you’re enforcing boundaries and not giving in to demands, that can be a sign that you’re moving away from enabling.
4. Others Around You Feel Resentful Toward You
If family members, friends, or others in your life are frustrated with you for “over-functioning” for this person, it’s another red flag. They may notice that you’re pouring all your energy and resources into one person, to the detriment of your other relationships. This imbalance is especially common when parents enable adult children with addiction issues, often causing tension with a spouse or other family members.
In situations where a child is struggling with addiction, and there’s a step-parent in the picture, the step-parent might quickly notice the enabling patterns. It can be difficult to balance these relationships, but the goal is to maintain healthy boundaries with everyone involved.
5. Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do Out of Guilt or Fear
If you’re doing things for someone that you don’t want to do but feel like you “have to,” it’s another sign of enabling. This can stem from guilt, fear of what might happen if you don’t step in, or feeling like you’re the only one who can help. Many people find themselves in this position because the person struggling has already burned bridges with everyone else.
It’s essential to let the person feel the weight of their own actions. While you don’t have to let them hit rock bottom, they need enough uncomfortable experiences to see that change is necessary. Helping shouldn’t feel like a burden; when you help from a place of genuine care, it leaves you with a good feeling. If you’re left feeling uneasy, guilty, or overwhelmed, that’s a sign you might be enabling.
The Bottom Line: Good Feelings vs. Bad Feelings
When you’re genuinely helping, you’ll feel positive about it. Humans are social creatures, wired to support each other and feel good when we make a difference. If, however, you’re left feeling anxious, burdened, or upset after helping, that’s enabling.
For those ready to dig deeper, I’ve linked our enabling playlist here—take a look and start taking steps toward healthier boundaries today!
Amber Hollingsworth
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