(True or False?) Once An Addict Always An Addict
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[00:00:00] True or false once an addict always an addict
We are going to talk about if it's curable or not curable and I'm going to give you a little instruction a little practical how-to on what to do to get closest to the cure
the answer to the question is yes and no but mostly yes and let me explain my thinking behind that now the saying once an addict always an addict it's been around forever and you can replace any word you want like addicted to whatever it is and that can be alcohol or even like the nons substance addictions any of that stuff
it all applies fill in the blank the reason why that statement Is true is because once you have an addiction to something you'll probably never be able to manage that something again so it's kinda if you have an addiction to alcohol even if you're sober like 10 years 20 years and you go back to drinking[00:01:00]
it's almost a hundred percent I would say probably like 99% that it is going to be very problematic again in a pretty quick timeline to add to the issue that's why they say once an addict always an addict and the and there's some truth in that because from a biological level you're building More neuroreceptor sites for those chemicals
the more you use the more of them you build and that's how the tolerance works that's how our tolerance grows and grows and those like monster mouths is what I like to call them once you grow them they don't go away they don't die but they can and will go into hibernation if you quit feeding them
and so that's the part where I say addiction is curable if you starve these little monster miles out they'll shut up and leave you alone almost a hundred percent completely so a good way to think about it might be like we think about Cancer they'll say you can have cancer but you could also be in remission
I like to think about addiction like it's in [00:02:00] remission like there are no signs of it no indications of it present at a given time I would call addiction I would say it's in remission and I would say that it's cured at that point because I think when we say the thing to people once an act always an addict sometimes that can be misconstrued into it's always going to be this hard
I'm always going to want it my life is just going to be terrible from here on out I'm just going to be fighting it for my whole life and that's not true and eventually it'll die down to the point where you might have like a thought every now and then oh that would be nice right now
and it's just a thought that like jumps in your head and jumps out and nothing more than that as long as you don't reactivate those little monster mouths you are in the cured situation because eventually most people can be around it and not use they it it just doesn't bother them anymore
and you won't see any of the symptoms of it present if they just get away from it completely now where people mess up is they [00:03:00] think okay I've been good for so long I'm cured now I can go back to that substance or that addictive behavior or whatever it is and I can pick it back up and it won't be addictive anymore
that is where it does not work and if I had to say that there is one biggest mistake that people make that keeps them stuck in the cycles of addiction that is the cycle that is the hardest thing to convince people of is that once it's unmanageable probably not going to go back to manageable in in fact I don't even want to say probably I'm going to say it's not going to go back
to a manageable level especially if you're to the point you're watching these videos or you've come to see me or you've went to some like meetings or something you've probably crossed that line of no return used to back in the old school days when bill and Dr bob was around they called it an allergy
and that's also another good way to think of it a way to think of it is My body doesn't react well to this substance or this behavior if it's a behavior [00:04:00] addiction all of a sudden I have these allergic reactions and all this crazy stuff happens and it causes a lot of consequence and it does not work for me
so that's another way you can think of it you can think of it like an allergic reaction so is it curable yes but it's also important to always keep in the back of your mind that it's there and remember that yes it can be reactivated and it's not going to go away but it does go into hibernation
now that question about whether it's curable also connects to another really logical question which I think this is a good time to address it as well and that's do I have to be going to meetings or counseling appointments for the rest of my life to make sure it stays in remission and the answer to that is no as well
now if you belong to 12 step communities you get these messages about if you stop coming you're going to relapse and that's another one of those sayings that's true but not really they say that because for the most [00:05:00] part when people quit coming they do relapse but it's not because they quit going to the meetings
you know what it is it's because they forgot what I just told you in part one which is it's not going to go back to manageable that's what happens that causes people to relapse the thing about going to the meetings or the counseling or whatever is it just reminds you that's truth so you know having some way of keeping it in the front center of your mind that it is still there
we don't want it in the front center in the way that it's like always hard or that you have to give it much attention we want it to be front and center in the way that you just remember this doesn't work for you okay if you have a nut allergy you have a nut allergy isn't is going to be there
let's not test it because it's not going to end well that's the part about the going to the meetings or the counseling once you get into a maintenance phase of it then mostly maintaining recovery or sobriety or whatever you want to call it it's mostly about sanity management so the things that you can do to help yourself are anything that helps you keep [00:06:00] your sanity
so you may want to continue to go to counseling to deal with other stresses in your life but it doesn't necessarily have to be like focused on the addiction I think a lot of people in the recovery process get frustrated when they're told you're going to have to go to meetings forever or it's all anyone ever wants to talk about it or their family is like on eggshells about it forever and if they miss a meeting it's oh my gosh you're going to relapse and they get all like the stairs and the smell checks and all the stuff but we got to pull that back because most people that get sober and stay sober once you get past that year mark it's not like you're home free
but once you get past that year mark I promise you your life does not revolve around it anymore it is not consuming your thoughts it is not even that tempting for you anymore it does take a while to get to that point but as long as you don't convince yourself that this time will be different you going to be good
and if you need to go to a meeting every day for the rest of your life to remember that then do it if you need to watch an Amber video if you need to listen to [00:07:00] podcast or read books or have a recovery coach who calls you up every day and reminds you B t W that's still in there then monster miles don't wake them up then you do that
but for some people continuing to go to the meetings and everything else almost remind you of it in a way that can be activating as in activating the cravings so you have to really think about yourself what do you get out of going to counseling do you leave feeling better does hearing the stories from meetings and other people's stories does that help you keep it in the front of your mind
hey watch out because this is an issue and it's in there and you don't need to mess with it if it does that for you then keep going as long as forever if you want to but if it's a trigger for you there is a time where people can stay sober and they don't have any active addiction treatment addiction support or anything
I know I'm scaring you family members to death when I'm saying that I know I am because y'all are thinking ever don't say that because that's what my loved one's going to say and they're going to say they don't need those meetings anymore and they're good and I don't want you to say that it is helpful to have that [00:08:00] for a while but you don't have to have it forever
if you have diagnosed with depression or anxiety today does that mean you always have depression anxiety no hopefully no you get treatment you get better and you move on with your life that's the whole point I tell people all the time the whole point of seeing me is to not have to see me anymore and doesn't hurt my feelings
it doesn't hurt my feelings when people stop coming to see me because they're better it makes me happy right because I know that we've done what we're supposed to do together and now they can move on and live their life that's the point so when you're talking to your loved one about recovery it's important for you to understand that
and it's important for you to even be able to convey Hey it's not going to be like this forever it's not going to be this hard you're not going to have to devote as much time to it it's just that in the beginning it does need to be like priority and you have to like Do a lot of things to make sure you get them monster miles to go to sleep
but once you get them good and sluggy you know in there then they're all right just don't go messing with them and you going to be okay let's take some questions jennifer [00:09:00] says I say not cured but controlled yeah I can say that leah and Sonya says I would like to know the answer
can it be cured I'm so tired of my husband relapsing with his alcohol addiction it's reaping havoc on our family and our marriage I can definitely understand where you're coming from but I promise you Sonya that isn't happening because addiction can't be cured that is happening because your husband keeps convincing himself that he can do it differently and it's frustrating because people have to figure that out over and over again until they like really figure it out
and once they figure it out it gets better but they have to keep that in the front of the knowing part of our brain and when they forget it that's when it can come back let's see mad titan says girlfriend is an alcoholic went to rehab last year still drinks every day has a 25 year old adult child that she enables feeling like living leaving Mad Titan I know you are not in the same in the [00:10:00] boat alone there's a lot of people even watching right this very minute who can understand what you're saying
even though addiction can be cured even though if you watch this YouTube channel and you get a lot of advice on how to fix it there there does come a point when you say okay I still think this person can be cured but I can't stick around and wait for that to happen right there is a time when it is time to walk but I'm definitely not one of those people who says that you're powerless and there's nothing you can do to help that other person because I don't agree with that
you know another reason why I people feel like addiction can't be cured as because they feel like you hear people say all the time like addiction treatment rates are so low and we must not have the right treatment or maybe we don't have enough treatment but I disagree with that as well
addiction treatment works there's all different kinds of it and it pretty much all works it's whether or not the person will do what they're taught to do in the addiction treatment if they do it will work whichever direction you want to go [00:11:00] with it but it's when we convince ourselves that it's going to be different
I can use this substance and it's not going to get me in trouble or I can now moderate my drinking and it'll be fine or I can just do this or I can just do it on holidays or whatever just on vacation it's that thought that lets the door come open for the relapse come in and when you mix that thought with some major stressors now you have a seriously bad formula for relapse
but it's not because treatment didn't work treatment is effective it's one of those things you get out of it what you want to get out of it and sometimes it works and people remember that for a long time and then they forget and they learn that lesson again paradise Lover says my son has gone from alcohol to drugs to different drugs
he's always addicted to something so for your son it's okay this drug or addiction gets outta control but this one's going to be different okay I won't use that anymore but now this one's going to be different so he is still in that process I call it bargaining
okay Casey this is a old school recovery saying too my son has an allergy to alcohol it made him break out in handcuffs that's been around for a long time [00:12:00] that's the old school I like it though
star says my son has been cleaning sober from alcohol for over 20 years I no longer think of him as addicted he really has put the problem to bed for good he is blessed and successful I'm glad you shared that with us Star because that's what we need to hear because people do get better long term better like way better and it really does not rule their life anymore
they move on they function they do all the things that they want to do
jennifer says meetings are a reminder to be mindful I like that that's true let's see here w h says weed is my husband's addiction that's a hard one I don't know if you've seen my videos on marijuana addiction but it's a hard one to deal with because it's really hard to get someone to see that it's causing them problems
and there's some other things in there too but it's particularly difficult nancy says I see my son and his Fentanyl addiction and I wonder how it's possible I believe he can and I believe in him but his fears and he says he likes it can he ever even get to the recovery stage
in my mind if you're still alive you're [00:13:00] still in the game and everyone that's ever had an addiction would tell you at some point that they liked it and that it helps them and a lot of times they'll tell you that even when they know that's not true like even in the later stages it's that defensive posture that people take
so sometimes they tell you that because they believe it and they're convinced and then they just keep telling you that because they're just sticking to their guns about it even when they know it's not really true anymore ella says I've been in active recovery for binging disorder for one year four months and I really feel like it's true you stop thinking about it yeah it's like a habit that you break I don't want to minimize addiction by saying it's like a habit like fingernail biting but it in some ways it is
if you once you build all those like new neuro pathways new Habits routines people places and things it just doesn't control you like you think and I said before it's important to let people that are addicted know that because it may it feels like light at the end of the tunnel for them
if you're say you're always addicted you're always going to have to go to meetings that feels heavy and difficult and it makes you feel like [00:14:00] hopeless and down and depressed I don't know if I can do this if it's going to be this hard forever but it won't it gets easier and easier every single day
after about two weeks it doesn't get easier and easier that first two weeks but after that it does cindy says my daughter-in-law almost died at 32 from alcohol she's now three years sober and doing amazing she never went to one meeting after getting outta the hospital
whatever it takes for someone to understand you have to let go of this you have to get it outta your life that's what it takes and so for some people it's just coming to terms with that for some people it's going to meetings treatment counseling all of it whatever but that's the key is just understanding that
and then there's other things like building a life that you like building other coping skills that come along but that keeping that thought in there is the vital piece
hanging out with Christie says how long should someone stay in sober living my husband is going to one after being in rehab it's an hour and a half away is it normal to go to sober living far from the spouse and children yes it's fair it's not uncommon to go to sober living far from the house and children and some of that is [00:15:00] because When you put someone back in their same old environment people places and things and they haven't really developed all the coping skills they need it's so easy to fall back with the people places and things the reason they you want to go to sober living is to learn life coping skills learn how to live life while being clean and sober and so it's a good thing that your husband is going to sober living and it's okay for it to be a little distance away
that's going to allow him not to fall back in the same patterns and routines while he builds coping skills sober living stays as far as how long I would say if you're going to do it I think you should do it for at least three months six months is better and if you're a young person in recovery and you've pretty much spent all of your adolescence and young adult life I would say if you're in that situation but an adult who's been pretty functional probably three months
maybe six months that's what I would say but now I'm saying that without knowing your husband so it's a guess of course
jennifer says Amber if you have a moment can you talk about tolerance upon relapse alcohol specifically it does seem to start over yes sometimes [00:16:00] people even will stop using for a while they call it like a tolerance break because they think okay if I stop using for 30 days then when I go back I won't have a high tolerance anymore
it'll be like it was in the beginning and they're right for about five minutes it doesn't take long for all of those monster mouths to wake back up usually people are back to the same amount as it was before within a few days a week max sometimes immediately but that low tolerance does not last long
it springs right back to where you left off very quickly
I will say there's one little sort of thing I think I need to throw in there when you have an opioid addiction a lot of people maybe they've been sober from opioid for 10 years and when they initially first used maybe they used the amount they used before and that is very scary that's what causes a lot of overdose and death but the tolerance will come back
it'll come back pretty quickly but it's dangerous if you try to use an opioid at the same amount you used when you stopped because it does [00:17:00] take a minute to to wake up while those receptors for that tolerance come back it won't take long though trust me
oh let's see heavenly Angel says I have an adult son 28 years old who's gotten at least 4000 out of me in a year and now I have stopped enabling him and he won't talk to me he won't go get a job and claims not to be on drugs as a mom it's if you stop giving them money and they stop talking to you it really Hurts and hits home to be like I guess the only reason they ever did talk to me was for the money
but I want you to know that it's not probably it's probably not really your son driving the show it's definitely the addiction it's possible that he is not using drugs and doesn't have a job but not likely I don't know that I would believe that but that's a total guess
reading three sentences dJ's Travel says question and update he still has change talk but he has less communicative in telling me he has to wood shop in which to him means figure it out okay it's the thing he says he says wood shop okay I feel pushed away but want to be supportive
I'm wondering DJ if you're [00:18:00] saying that doesn't want to talk to you about anything or he just doesn't want to talk about this topic all the time I think it's important to very purposefully not try to talk about this topic all the time in fact I think you should do it in very little intervals and for very short periods of time when you do it because it is uncomfortable
it does remind them of bad stuff especially when you talk about if whoever it is came to talk to me about it Whatever they've done hasn't hurt me personally so it feels less shameful to talk to a stranger about it somebody a meeting about a sponsor a counselor but with your family talking about it reminds you of all the bad things and it's very uncomfortable
I don't think you should ignore the elephant in the room but I also want families to know that you're like bringing it up all the time is a mistake and it is going to make the person avoid you so I would see if you can get them to just communicate with you about regular stuff other stuff work on the connection piece
robin s says I heard from a therapist that an addict will typically trade one addiction for the other true or [00:19:00] false I did a video probably three weeks back Robin and it's called something like Addiction is really a Hidden Superpower a lot of people that have addictions get labeled like Addictive personality
and probably what that really means is really that they're like ADHD and they do tend to be prone to addictions most people that have addictions do have other addictions and that's not always a terrible thing if it's one substance after another substance that's not great but when if you can take some of those non-productive addictions out and trade it for something a more healthier addiction then that actually works in your favor
it's your superpower and not your kryptonite so will they always be like a hundred miles an hour and enough is never enough and I always want more about stuff probably so it's my philosophy to just point that in the right direction rather than try to not be that kind of person
it's let's direct that energy instead of saying I'm just going to be balanced probably if you're like that addict personality type you're not going to be balanced and that's okay you're not meant to be
[00:20:00] melinda says my son says going to too many minis actually triggers him it's hard with that with Melinda because a lot of times people say that as a way to get you to get off their back for going to meetings I so they can be using that as a manipulation or excuse or it could be actually true that going to meetings triggers them
so it can go either way that is definitely a thing but also you get out of it what you look for in it too there's some personal responsibility in there but there's some truth in there too
jackie says my 76 year old is that mother-in-law is late s alcoholic without interest in rehab she's moving in with us doesn't drive what advice do you have with us about buying her alcohol I saw your question before I can't remember if it was in alive or membership or what I know I've seen this question before
i I think that's hard to answer if she's like alcohol dependent and you like stop buying it for her and she can't drive and get it then that's quite dangerous so I probably wouldn't do that I would work on trying to get her motivated to [00:21:00] address the issue versus just try to address the issue by we're just not going to buy it for you anymore because I don't just saying I'm not going to buy it for you anymore or it can't be in this house won't solve the issue but it will cause a lot of fighting and arguments and actually make her cling to the addiction for longer
I know it feels like enabling but I would start with the plan of how do I get this person motivated to make a change and I've got like a whole playlist about that of videos that you can watch or our invisible intervention course is all about that so that's where I would start from just simply trying to restrict access never fixes it
no I should say this I also would like mess up your finances buy it to the point that you're messing up your finances that's your side of the street you don't want to do that yeah but you also don't want to be like I'm not buying it for you like trying to control it
it's your side of the street her side of the street kind of thing let's see here
reframe this for me I keep getting cold shoulder from my loved one I think it is in regards to anger from my alcoholic behavior in the past how much cold shoulder should I expect[00:22:00] I think what you're saying is basically you have a family member or a friend or something that just hasn't forgiven you and just won't let their guard down
and you will have people like that in your life that just can't move past it and if you've done your best to change your behavior and you've tried to make an amends and they can't forgive you that's okay and that's their side of the street and if it's a boundary they're setting with you it's a boundary they're setting with you
you I have a video on amends making with that that I did with a couple of friends a while back David and Lucas and they both talk about making amends the process and they both said each one of them had a sister it's like everyone else had forgiven them and moving on but the sister was like years of not forgiving them
like it took a long time for the sisters to forgive so some people are just really hurt and it's hard for them to move on and they just don't want to like Let you back in because I don't trust you they feel like if I trust you I'm just going to get hurt again somehow yeah it's hard but you have to like respect people and give them their space
as always remember there are [00:23:00] more resources in the description there's a whole page on our website a free downloadable resources you can schedule consultations or email consultations or find out about our invisible intervention
