Unmasking the Truth: Unlocking Honesty in Alcoholics
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[00:00:00] If you're tired of being lied to and you just want to know what is the real truth once and for all, you're in the right place. This video is for you because the truth is always right there. It's just below the surface. You just need to know two things. You need to know One, what you're looking for, and two, where to look for it.
And both of those answers are definitely going to surprise you. Today's episode is actually inspired by many of, that I have been working on the 3.
0 version of our invisible intervention course, and I'm telling you, I am totally overhauling it. I've got. Lots of great ideas. This newest updated version is going to include lots more Specific say these exact things do these exact things because I think sometimes it's you know You understand the philosophy, but it can get a little Lost in the chaos sometimes.
So today I'm going to give you a little piece of some of the things that I'm working on inside the new [00:01:00] Invisible intervention for those of you who already have the invisible intervention. Don't worry If you have it no matter when you got it, you always get all the updates so you're in the good All right Let's get on to our topic as far as how to uncover The real truth when you're dealing with someone who has an addiction which you probably already know can be a little bit complex first thing is And most important thing is let's figure out what truth you're looking for.
You're looking for the wrong things. People you're out there. You're looking for the evidence of what they're doing wrong and what they're doing bad and that they drank when they said they didn't, and that they got higher, that they spent money when they said they didn't, or that they went to this place and they weren't supposed to be there.
Why are you looking for that evidence? You already know you're dealing with someone who has an addiction. Those details don't really even matter, right? You're spending so much time trying to prove that you know what you know because they keep telling you that's not true. So that gets you all involved and stuck in this crazy pattern of gathering evidence [00:02:00] trying to prove your point.
No matter which, how much evidence you ever have, like literally you can have all the evidence, plenty of love, everything, right? And they're going to tell you that you're crazy and that you're making stuff up and that you're just a lunatic and everyone else knows you're a lunatic and why are you being crazy?
They're going to put it back on you somehow. Y'all know that's true. That's because you're looking for the wrong thing. Even if you uncover the evidence one, they're not going to admit it be real and Two, what good does it do?
You already know what the issue is when you're trying to look for all the evidence all you're really trying to do This might be a hard truth. You ready bear yourself Is you're just trying to soothe your own ego Here's amber i'm right here. I'm telling you If you are watching these videos, if it's gone that far that you've found yourself watching these videos I'm just going to say it's already true.
So there you go. Ego soothed. You're right. It's true. Now, let's get out of this trying to find out if they're drinking, if they're using, if they're sneaking, if they're lying. Because they are. They are. I'm telling you. So you can quit looking. Here's what you really want to be looking for. You really want to be looking [00:03:00] for The evidence that they're probably hiding from you, that they actually do want to change.
I've been doing this for 20 years and pretty much everyone I've ever talked to, even the big, I call them the big talkers, the big, bad, big talkers. They talk all the big game. There's big. Part of people that does want to change now. They don't like to say it because they're afraid if they say it You're going to push them and force them into doing things They don't want to do or you're going to give them a big I told you so's or in some kind of way You're just going to make their life a living.
You know what so What you want to do is you want to look for these clues and these evidence and you want to find the piece inside of them that is motivated for change. And when you find that evidence, that's what you should be looking for. Then you want to grow that evidence and you want to. Figure out a way to cultivate it.
Sometimes I call it like nurturing it. Like it's a seed you're nurturing, you're watering it. You want it to grow. You want to pull it forward basically. And so I want you to understand how to do that, but you got to understand what you're [00:04:00] looking for. This past couple of weeks, I've talked to several people in our, in our coaching sessions and our membership group and our email consoles, lots of different ways.
But, and I'm hearing people, they say, Amber, I watch all your videos. Total big fan and I'm following your advice and I think it's working. I think it's working And I'll tell you what I found out this other day And then I said this and this I knew because i've been watching your videos and I said Thank you.
No, that's not what I tell you to say. Now. This is just for one person. This is for a lot of people so here's the thing is you're trying you're still in that mindset of trying to prove That they have a problem dude, they have problem. Are you trying to prove it to yourself? You're trying to prove it to them either which way it's ineffective.
Stop doing that Okay, put your amber goggles on And what you want to do is you want to find the thing you're looking for and the thing you're looking for is change So let's get in there and find it Okay, a lot of you guys have heard me talk about change talk but it's any kind of Verbalization of I want to do something different The problem is the reason why you guys don't see this and [00:05:00] you're not cultivating it The best you could be is because you're waiting for the big daddy.
You're waiting for oh my gosh I'm the biggest addict alcoholic you've ever seen in your life and I've just done everything wrong and I'm so sorry. And I've just been a terrible son, husband, daughter, wife, and I'm just going to change and I'll just do anything you tell me to do. I've got to rehab for a year.
And if you're not hearing that you're missing it and you're getting yourself mad and you're stomping on the change talk that's there. Okay. So any. micro millimeter of influence of something in the right direction. You want to find that. Think about it like your CSI, instead of looking for the fingerprints of the bad, look for the fingerprints of the good, because that evidence is there too.
You're missing it. You're stomping on it. Think about yourself. You're just like, you're like a crime scene investigator who just contaminated the scene when you do this. Okay. Stop doing that. What I'm hearing a lot of is, people are saying my loved one, he said he would he would talk to his friend who's in recovery about it, but he wasn't going to talk to no counselor.
And I told him. [00:06:00] That wasn't going to do it. You can't do this by yourself. You got to get professional help. You got to change. And I said whoa. What are you talking about? Why did you say that? Somebody says, I'm going to talk to my friend who's in recovery. There it is.
There's your evidence. There's your fingerprint. There is your grain. I don't care what it is. They say, I'm going to start walking every day. I think it's going to make me feel better. You take whatever you see that's right there and instead of stomping on it and telling someone it's not good enough and they need to do more and that they said that before and all those other things which you're just literally reinforcing.
All the wrong things. When you do that, you take that little seed and you validate it and you say, I think that's a really good thing to do. I think they probably have some good insight for you. I think, doing your exercise every day is going to make you feel better. I think that talking to that one person, they sound smart.
And I really appreciate the fact that you're committed to dealing with this issue. Whatever they give you, you water that seed. That's how you get more seeds. That's how you get that little green plant to poke up out of the earth. It's not going to poke up out of the earth if you stomp on it, okay? So I need y'all to stop doing that.
Y'all know I love you. I'm just [00:07:00] telling you the truth. I'm a lot harder on the family members than I am on people for addiction because I know that you guys have enough You can pull it together. You got you. You're the saying you're the saner ones of the group. Okay? And I'm going to need you guys to be the strong ones and make the hard decisions.
And this is part of it. I need you to start noticing these little seeds and I want you to harvest them. Now I want to show you how to look for some of these little pieces of evidence that aren't quite so apparent. If you think about the crime scene investigator metaphor. It's like these are the ones you got to get the microscope out to look for.
It's advanced, okay? What I want you to do is I want you to start to pay attention, not to just what they say. They're going to say whatever, right? You probably hear me say, believe behaviors long way more than you believe what people say, because behavior tells the truth. The things that come out of our mouths, not necessarily.
We want to look at not just someone's behaviors, because a lot of times when we're trying to do that, we're not seeing the evidence is there. For example, it's someone will go a day or 2 and not drink or use or someone will go to 1 [00:08:00] meeting, but they'll stop going to another. And when you're looking at that, you're seeing.
The evidence from the wrong light you're seeing, you don't really mean it. You don't ever last longer than two weeks. You don't ever, follow through with it instead of saying, Hey, that's an effort if somebody has, gone to three AA meetings, four or five different times, instead of saying you've tried that before, it doesn't work.
What you need to be realizing is this person has tried that before and they keep trying it over and over, which is at least some piece of evidence that they're trying. They're probably, okay, they're probably. Not doing everything they need to do not probably okay. They're not doing everything they need to do They're probably not trying all the right things, but if you stomp on someone's little efforts, you're not going to get more efforts What you're going to get is defensiveness and it's going to make them feel more protective and want to defend their own actions and their own behaviors And for a lot of people then they just want to blame you for everything and that don't feel good And then that keeps you in the cycle of Looking for the wrong [00:09:00] evidence again.
So if you can pull yourself out of that cycle, I want you to start looking for their body language. I have a video on this channel I did a few years back about reflective listening. I'm making a lot more reflective listening videos in the Invisible Intervention but there's like an advanced piece to it.
I want you to look at someone's, what we call like non verbals. Now you don't have to turn into one of those really fun YouTubers who take like crime scene footage and they do the super in depth like body language inventory I just want you to look for the little cues and just like you can reflect back to someone what someone's saying They call that active listening.
Someone says something to you and you say oh so blah blah and you should repeat it back This is called good Reflecting active listening skills. You can actually also do that with body language For example, I had a client in the past little while, and it was like a virtual session and the person got on there and the first thing, like literally before they said, hello, how you doing, whatever, no niceties or anything, I saw them do this big like first thing
like literally, I clicked [00:10:00] zoom, I saw this, no words have been exchanged, and I said, Whoa, what is that? You got something big to tell me, right? And just commented on that really quick, non verbal, sigh, body language, facial expression, all that kind of stuff. And the person was like, yeah, and then they just spit it out really quick.
You know what? That probably saved an hour of dancing around the subject and this person was whatever they told me they were nervous to tell me And then I said, oh All right. No big deal Here's what we're going to do about that And then it was like you could just see The relief on them and then when you see that relief you can say man, I see the relief all over you Aren't you though got that over what that's called is I call it.
It's like a process comment or it's like you're commenting on Those non verbals that you're seeing and so often Even when you're noticing these non verbals, which is hard when you're in that really stressed emotional state that living with an addicted love don't put you in It's hard to even slow down enough to notice it.
But when you do notice it You're so afraid to make a [00:11:00] comment on something that's going to get someone to tell you an answer you don't want to hear that you just ignore it, or even worse than just ignoring it, you like jump all over it, right? If you see someone, let's say you're telling someone your point, right?
And you see someone like roll their eyes or huff or something like that. And it makes you so mad because you see them rolling their eyes and huff and stuff and then you just yelp them or whatever. I don't want you to do that. I want you to stop and say something along the lines of seems like I'm not, it seems like I'm not understanding something or it seems like maybe I'm pushing you too far, or it seems like you don't like what I just said.
You're just so scared to even let them talk more about that, that you either ignore it or you jump on it. And if you will just. Pull that little piece of, I might call it like a resistance or something. If you just pull it forward, it's like pulling a splinter out. And it's then there's some healing.
If you can just say that and deal with it and let them say whatever it is they're going to say, even if it's something you don't want to hear, guess what, we [00:12:00] can move on past it when you get on to the other part. So if someone rolls their eyes at you, you can say, okay, sounds like I had a sore spot or something.
Comment on the nonverbals, then you can say, then they might say, yeah, because you always tell me this and this, and you're always critical. I know you don't want to hear that, but this is like pieces of evidence that you need to collect, understand if you're going to win this battle, if you're going to solve this case, if you're going to get your loved one back, you need to collect the evidence, even if it's evidence you don't want to see.
So if they say something like that to you, then you just reflect it back. And you say, yeah, I guess you're right. I got a little upset. Probably took that too far. My tone was all out of whack. And then guess what? You passed it. Even if they're telling you something you don't want to hear, a lot of times when someone tells you no, or someone is resistant, they'll tell you the things that come right after that is really important information.
So if you said, If you got someone to say I don't suggest you say this y'all know I don't tell you but let's say you did because I know y'all still didn't she say You need to get help. You need to go to treatment, what they're going to say [00:13:00] is I don't need treatment You're going to get to know you're just going to take that right and then they're going to say I just need to blah blah blah blah blah blah, right?
You don't have to agree with whatever they say after that, but it's telling you The truth about what they're thinking and that's the problem is you don't Want to see some of these things so you just keep ignoring it or shoving it away or arguing with it And if you could just collect this data, you can make strategic decisions and you guys know I'm all about making strategic decisions I'm all about doing what works Some of y'all know that the name of my business is Hope for Families, and , there's a story behind that name, but I didn't even pick it I just said, okay, yeah, that, but I wish it wasn't, I heard someone say recently hope is not a strategy.
And I was like, that's so true. I'm like, I'm with you. I'm about the strategy, right? Hope is not a strategy. But these things that I teach you on this channel, these things that we learned in the invisible intervention that we coach you on and membership, all these things, these are strategies. So when you[00:14:00] get those non verbals, when you get those even verbals from someone, instead of fighting it, ask about it.
What's making you feel that way? What is it that makes you the most nervous about going to treatment? Instead, if someone says, I don't want to go to a counselor, instead of saying you really need to, and you've said a hundred times, you're going to do it yourself. And that's just not working.
Don't say any of that. Just say, weird talk to some stranger about your personal business, isn't it? And you can say some of them counselors out there are crazy. I'll blame you. If you'll just acknowledge their point, you don't have to acknowledge the entirety of what they're saying, but there's probably like some grain of truth in there that you could.
Kind of agree with if you'll take whatever that is And you'll partner with them on it. What happens is they feel seen they feel heard they feel understood They take the walls down and then guess what they show you more of the truth and the truth is that there is this piece inside that wants to stop but There's fears, there's concerns, there's reluctance.
Maybe it's reluctance or fear about what they're going to have to do to stop. [00:15:00] Maybe it's fears, concerns or resistance because of what they think life is going to be like being stopped and you just keep ignoring those and ignoring those ignores those and trying to push someone in this direction that you want them to go and that's why they fight you so hard.
If someone says I hate to go to them dang meetings because it's just, Same people saying the same things forever. And then they just say they're alcoholic for 20 years. And it's like their whole life's like their new addiction going to these meetings. Have you ever heard someone say that?
I've heard that a lot of times, right? What you can say to that is, yeah, I know there's some truth in that, right? You can even say, maybe you've been to some al anon meetings. You can say, yeah, I've been to some al anon meetings, and there's a little bit of that goes on there too, right? Because there's some truth in that.
That's not completely wrong. Is there a lot of good things that happen in those meetings? Of course there is, but if you won't acknowledge where someone's trying to show you, they're not going to acknowledge the other thing that's in there. Because if you'll just say that, if you'll just acknowledge what they're saying about the meetings.
Trust me, I've done this a million times. Yeah, I know those meetings. It's you hear the same thing. It's like same person talks. It's like [00:16:00] you can't even, you couldn't even talk if you wanted to sometimes. They're like, I know, right? And then you let them talk about it and then about three minutes in they say, but you know what?
Sometimes, some of those meetings are good. I know I don't talk a lot, but some of the stories people share is helpful. So if you let them say the thing that you don't want to hear, if you just wait and you just let it, Let them talk and maybe even use some reflective listening or something and join their team.
They'll tell you something you don't want to hear. You didn't even know that was in there. How many of you have tried any of these strategies I teach you even just on the bare minimal basic level and seen that wall come down? I've done this for 20 years and it works like almost every time. Does it get someone sober immediately?
No, but it Makes the relationship better almost instantly. If you've had a long, like years and years of battling with someone, they may not show you that the relationship's better instantly, but they're going to instantly be watching you different. And especially if you'll just say something that's like [00:17:00] different than what you would normally say, it's different than what they expect you to say.
Say, you know what, I was wrong about that. Or say, you know what, you got a point on that. I can see where you come from. And don't just say, I understand. If you're going to say, I see where you come from, then follow up with the sentence about what you're right. Some of those people in those meetings are annoying.
Some of them dang counselors. They need to get their own counseling Whatever it is Go ahead and add on don't just say I understand or I get it or whatever like I get it Fill in the blank and say what it is that you get because then what they're going to say is i'm going to say I know right And they're going to tell you more And you're going to say I know and you're going to add what they're saying and then it's like you're digging right and you're going to get in There you're going to find the seeds.
This is where the truth is this other junk that you're looking for Isn't truth. It's just addiction. I can tell you what's there. You don't need to look for it. What's there Why do you want to collect that evidence? It's of no value to you Get in there and start looking for what you want to find which is The truth and the truth is that [00:18:00] people get trapped people feel ashamed People feel stuck people feel defensive people feel resentful people feel nervous worried Whatever, they're afraid their depression, they're afraid their anxiety, they're afraid their grief is going to surface.
There are a lot of reasons why they're hanging on to this thing and instead of telling them that their reasons are stupid or not letting them acknowledge them, you don't have to agree with them. But if you just let them have that peace, they'll give you the thing that's underneath it. It's been there the whole time.
They just didn't want to say it. So the more trust, the more credibility you have with someone, the more truth you will get out of someone and the easier it is, the more influence you can have, especially if they feel safe with you. They don't feel like you're trying to force them anything. They don't feel like you're judging them or criticizing them.
They can know you don't agree with them on things. Like like most of my clients come see me. They know that I think they should get sober. I'm addiction counselor. I guess a given I don't even need to say it. They just know it right? It's not a secret I don't act like that's not where i'm coming from But I also [00:19:00] don't act like there's not other sides to the story and other pieces to the puzzle that need to be dealt with And because of that it's not like i'm saying.
Yeah, you should keep drinking every day. There's nothing wrong with that, right? but I can say Yeah, I guess I could see where it come from. Like you're in a stressful situation. You're not sleeping good at night right now. It's the only thing you know of that's like making you be able to wind down at night.
There's truth in that, right? That's not me agreeing with them several times over the past month or so I've either seen it in comments on videos or heard from you guys that it's like, These techniques, they just feel like they're enabling and I know that they feel like they're enabling because it feels like this person's doing wrong and I'm being nice to them and I'm not calling them out and I'm not punishing them for it.
It's not your job to punish. It's not your job to call out. The more you do that, the more they're going to stay dug in. And actually, when you do that, you're enabling them to stay dug in because You're distracting them, you're playing the villain, you're arguing with them, that in my mind is enabling. If you just step out of the [00:20:00] way, their own natural guilt, remorse, shame, fear, all of that surfaces.
And once that stuff surfaces, then we get movement in the right direction. That's the goal of being on the back of the road. It's not that not, it's not that being nice to someone's going to make them change. It's being nice to someone makes them feel safe enough to talk to you about the pieces of them that wants to do something different.
And if you'll play that game long enough, you will see those harvested pieces come forward. And the earlier in the cycle, you can do this. Like the earlier in the addictive process. The better and faster this works for some people who are in that stage four in stage addiction Maybe they're like completely non functional.
They're not working at all. They're not taking care of their hygiene. Maybe they live on the street These techniques are harder because you have less access to the person and they're slower but I can promise you this if you do these techniques Your relationship is going to get a lot better and your relationship with yourself is going to get a lot better because you're not going to feel as [00:21:00] upset with yourself as you have been because you get mad at yourself every time you stomp all over the evidence and every time you yell and lose your mind because you're watching these videos.
So I know you feel bad when you do it. You're like, dang, I shouldn't have done that. So you're going to feel better. They're going to feel better about you. And then you're going to be, and at least no matter what happens, you're going to feel good about the situation because you're going to feel like I dealt with.
This situation in the right way I treated myself and then with dignity and respect It doesn't mean you have to let them treat you crappy It's not what i'm saying, but you're just going to feel bad and not feel better knowing you did the right thing so let's take some questions.
Let's see here.
Heather says It's not my ego, but they're so good at making you question what is true and what isn't so I start to question my own judgment And don't know what's true. What is it anymore? I think the thing of it is Heather is you get bogged down and maybe trying to prove every little thing It's like you get caught up in and each day's little crises, you know whether they drank two or three or whether the Paraphernalia found was old or [00:22:00] new or whether they said they'd be home at 515 or 530 or whatever.
And those details are irrelevant. When you look at it in the big picture of the war, do you know what's going on big picture? I think you already do. Cause you're here on the channel. So I'm guessing you do. I'm going to go with your judgment. So just consider that. Information found and start looking for how do we get, how do we get on the other side of it instead of how do we find the evidence that's happening.
You've already found enough evidences to that or you wouldn't be here. So I believe you believe yourself.
Debbie says, is it a sign they want to change when they make a point of telling you they used I took. Medicine with a shot of whiskey today. I would say telling you that they used is definitely not definitely, most often in most situations, I would say that's at least a piece of evidence that they're trying to be truthful with you, which in my mind is evidence that they want to change.
If nothing else, they want to change this cat and mouse dynamic with you. They're at least trying to change the fact that they're trying to be truthful with you. There might be an occasion I could see though, or Debbie, where [00:23:00] someone's telling you that purposefully trying to start a fight. So you probably know based on the tone of how they tell it to you, which thing is trying to happen, it's all about the tone.
Unless you're getting that, I'm trying to start a fight with you tone, then you just say, Hey, I appreciate you being honest with me. That helps me trust you, helps me be on your team. And you just appreciate the honesty. You don't have to say, I appreciate your drinking or you're I'm cool with it, or that you think it's a good idea to drink on medicine, not saying that, but you're saying, I know it's probably not easy to tell me that cause you're probably worried.
I'm going to flip out, but I'm not. Cause I appreciate you being honest. Thank you. I'm going to be honest with you too. And then you're going to move on. So in 99 percent of the cases, unless they're saying it with a weird tone, I would say that's a good piece of evidence. Good example, Debbie.
Cheryl says, I say nothing and that may be worse. Yeah, I think ignoring it. It doesn't usually make it worse, but you could be missing an opportunity. And when I say ignoring, you don't have to, I'm not, I don't mean ignoring every little piece of evidence of something they did bad but start looking for those little pieces of evidence of something they did good like the, like Debbie said, like even just telling you the truth, [00:24:00] that's a little piece of evidence, right?
Like not drinking for one day, that's a little piece of evidence and start commenting on those because those are positive forward momentum steps that you want to get more of. Don't ignore the good.
Let's see here. MenGlan says, that's so true. Waiting for the big change talk can be such a setback for the person in recovery. Yeah. And if they give you like a little tiny bit of willingness and you say it's not enough, then they feel defeated. That's exactly right. So whatever steps they're willing to give you, you just take that.
You be excited for it. You encourage that and guess what? You'll get more of them because then they actually like. Like that you're pleased with them. And then they want you to be pleased with them even more. And sometimes they'll take another step for you. Most of the time, they'll take another step.
Robin said, that's exactly what my person said. He's inspired by a friend that got sober. Doesn't like AA because of strangers. There you go. This is perfect. This is the evidence, Robin, right here. It's a gold mine, right? You can say, ask about this friend, ask, say how did he do it? Does he seem to like his life better?
Ask these questions because it's not [00:25:00] just that you want to find these facts out, but you're helping them see their own evidence when you do this. You're helping them look at the evidence too. So you're growing this. Little thing that's inside of them and then, talk about it for a minute, but don't talk about it too long so much that it makes them feel like you're getting pushy or something just be like, Oh, yeah, like how long was he?
How long did he drink? How did he do it? Would it take a bunch of tries? What did he do? Does he feel better? What do you think? Just investigate it from a very With a very like curious tone in your voice But not too long just harvest it and move on
this is a good question. Sue says, How do I get my daughter in law to understand this method instead of moving out and doing everything opposite of your advice? She uses every way possible to point out what he does wrong. Okay, perfect question. Here's what you do. You stop trying to get your daughter in law to see your way.
Every single thing I'm telling you to do with your addicted loved one, which it sounds like in your case is your son, you do it with your daughter in law. Here's the thing. And I hear this a lot from actually the wives is they get really ticked because they [00:26:00] feel like the in laws won't hear them and the in laws are against them and in laws aren't supporting them.
What you expect out of your son is real different than what you expect out of a husband. That's the first thing I'd say to her. I'd say, I get it. He's your husband, he's supposed to be your teammate and he is totally letting you down and that's not right. If this was your husband, you know what I deal with when my son That's one thing when I deal with that of my husband.
That's a whole nother thing. I have a Whole difference of expectations right for your husband So understand where your daughter's coming from first before you try to get her to change help her feel heard and understood And then guess what her walls will come down And then you'll have the influence over her and then If you could get her on your side, now there's two of you, the mom and the wife.
Man, that is a powerful team. So your goal is to get her on your side, but you need to go about doing it differently than trying to, don't say Amber says you shouldn't do that because you wouldn't say that to your son, right? I know you wouldn't because I've told you, I'll tell y'all not to do that.[00:27:00]
So don't say that to her. Use all these methods, just use them with her first. Okay, you got this.
Don says question Can you please discuss what a parent would say to a 37 year old adult child who has been alcoholic for 17 years? They say things like I don't know where to go
And they can't come home to the parent's house. You're talking about like when they go to treatment or something and then they want to come back to your house. I would look for a good sober living and I would give them that option. Now they may say that's not fair.
I don't want to go. And then if you don't still don't let them come to your house, they may say something like, I can't believe you're putting your own kid on the street, but you're not. They're just. Emotionally blackmailing you with that statement. So if you can help them with some options help them with some options They may not like any of those options and they may not choose to do any of those options But you've given them some options But I think that you are correct and holding the line about coming to your house in 99.
9 percent of situations That is the thing to do.
Question. Let's see here Kerosene 1022 says I follow all your strategies. They work. Yes, but dealing with a major relapse alcohol. He knows he has a problem, [00:28:00] but doesn't want to do anything. What can I do now? He's stage four. So I think it's harder dealing with someone who's not in denial. And it does come to a point where you can say, okay, I can respect your decision.
You understand you have a problem. You're choosing basically to it's if someone has cancer and they choose not to treat it as Essentially what your person is doing at this point. And you can say, I respect that, but I can tell you that I can only deal with so much of that.
Like I can't stand around and watch you kill yourself. So I respect your decision, but you got to respect mine. Like at some point you can say that in kindness, love and care, but it is okay to draw that line, right? Because I don't know how close to you this person is, but the closer they are to you, the more it is going to affect you, right?
So they can make their decision, but you can make your decision too. And if you. If you've had a bad relationship with them all along and you argue all the time that won't be very effective if you have a good Relationship with them and they know there's some truth in that it might get through to them
cBV says, my husband has been using Soberlink for four months. He's had two slips, [00:29:00] but got back on Soberlink the next day. He won't talk about it. And I feel like I'm walking on eggshells normal. Okay. Here's the thing. For those of you don't know what sober link is y'all haven't watched enough videos because y'all know I love sober link I will put the sober link in the description, but if you're interested in learning about sober link I think it's soberlink.
com if you put back slash amber in there Then I think there might be a discount or something if you want it, but it's like a alcohol monitoring device anyone who's agreeing to do sober link and doing it that is a humongous, big, giant change step. Okay. Because it's a big undertaking. You're literally agreeing to get text messages throughout the day and take like breathalyzing tests throughout the day.
Usually like Three of them or more. So it's a big step. So the fact that he had two slips, he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm not surprised by the fact that I don't want to talk about it, but here's what you want to talk about the fact that they got right back on it after one day. So if they don't want to talk about it, it's
because they feel bad about it, right? Cause they feel terrible. But what you can say is, look, I know it's happening easy. I know there's been ups and downs, but [00:30:00] look, the fact that you got right back on track, I am so proud of you. That's amazing. Here's what I would say to a person.
That's just a little bit blip. I said, blip, we're not even going to let that mess us up. It's a nothing. We're not going to pay attention to it. We're moving on. You don't want to pay too much attention. You want to move on and that's what they're doing. So you just want to say, yeah, that's right. We're moving on and if you talk about that part and you make them feel good about it, they won't resist talking about it so much because they'll actually feel. better about the situation. Let's see the strong 2021 says the walls are falling down, but when he messes up and I don't respond, he goes away for a while and stops talking to me. It's like the shame. It's like the shame is hurting him more. Have you seen this before? Yeah, sure, right? Like he did something bad He doesn't want just like the person before you like the sobering question.
They didn't they messed up They don't want to talk about it, right? So they start avoiding you because they feel guilty or whatever It's really hard and be in your situation because it does hurt you and they mess up when my clients mess up It doesn't necessarily hurt me it used to in the past when I'll take it personal and then I would [00:31:00] think it means I'm a bad counselor and then I would get upset with the person for messing up.
But once I took that out of my mind, it doesn't bother me. I understand that it's different though for you. But if you just say, look, I know there's going to be ups and downs. I appreciate that you got back on track or I appreciate that you're honest with me, or I'm just really glad it didn't last very long or whatever.
If there's any glimmer of anything good in there, if you can pull that to the surface, they try not to avoid you as much. And one of the things I do with clients is I say, listen, If you mess up and you fall off the planet earth tomorrow and you do every bad thing, guess what? You can call and tell me I'm not going to match you.
I'm the counselor but I already say if you mess up, here's what's going to happen. So that preemptively I'm setting the stage if this is what happens, you're not in trouble. I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to see you as your counselor anymore. I'm not going to tell you, you have to go to inpatient.
I'm not going to, none of that. So you can set the stage for that trust safety kind of situation, but. You could be doing all that and they could just be avoiding you because they just feel guilty. It's okay. Let them feel guilty. They should feel a little guilty, right?
Janet says my son [00:32:00] is in a 30 day program. He knows Home doesn't work. He's a young adult and has had trouble with peers and sober living so keeps asking if he can come home What's the best way to answer that question? You're just going to have to find the nicest You could beat around the bush if you want to a little bit, but you want to say no Somehow some way you want to say it's just not a good idea if you come here, this is what's going to happen.
I'm going to get all helicoptery. It's going to make me crazy. That's going to make you crazy. I'm going to be watching every move. It's just not good for us. I don't think it's a good idea. No. And you let him figure that out. If he's in sober living, I get it. Like when you're in sober living, there's usually is a lot of drama because you're dealing with people who are, in the early stages of recovery.
So there's some drama, there's some difficult people in there, but it's not forever. And if. Part of the issue is he has difficult getting along with people. I don't know if that's a part of his issue in general or just like in that setting, but either way, it's life skills that you're learning in there.
Dealing with difficult people, that's something we need to learn. We need to learn to do it and say so or so. It's not the worst thing ever, to be honest.
Brielle says, my BF has recently [00:33:00] started shooting. Drugs, we have fought in the past about his cocaine and drinking but he has no idea that I know about the heroin Should I keep this to myself? I would probably pull this to the surface. This might be a situation where I would pull it to the surface But I wouldn't ask the question.
I wouldn't say Are you doing this if you know they're doing this what you need to do is you just say you just need to say I know this is happening. And then you need to walk away because whatever he's going to say next is either going to be a lie. It's going to be defensive. It's going to be something because it's going to be like this reflective defensive posture.
And you're not saying it to him for some kind of response. You're saying, I know, and that puts a little more pressure on him because it just knowing that, like literally in and of itself puts some pressure on the situation. So just say, Hey, I know. And then. Don't even stay much longer because he's going to start trying to backpedal and say a bunch of junk and you don't even want to Get into arguing about it And you don't have to, because then you're going to start, it's going to start lying.
And then you're going to want to start [00:34:00] giving up as well. Why did I find this? Or where did this don't do that? Just say, Hey, I know. There's nothing else that's going to convince me otherwise. I'm just telling y'all now. That's it. And let it sit and let that seed work. All right, everybody. We are running out of time.
I'll see you guys next week. Bye everybody.
