Proven Strategies To Boost Willpower In Those Fighting Addiction/Alcoholism
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[00:00:00] For some of you watching today, what I'm about to say is going to be very good news. But for others of you watching, particularly those of you who are watching because you have an addicted loved one, what I'm going to say is probably going to be even more aggravating and annoying because it's going to put some more pressure.
I don't want to call it responsibility because it's not your responsibility, but as usual, I'm going to be encouraging and asking you to take the high road and do the hard things. Yet again, I know every week I do that. I get mad at myself for it. It's annoying, right? You're the family member.
You're, you've been like, Dealing with this for so long. You're not even the one that's like doing all the addictive behaviors yet. Every week I come on and say, you have to be the bigger person. And this week is the same. We're going to be talking about how to increase willpower to be able to fight.
cravings, temptations, [00:01:00] resist relapses so that you can have a successful, happy, healthy recovery process. And we're going to talk about it from both angles. We're going to talk about it for from the angle of the person who's trying to build willpower and overcome challenges and from the family or the.
The supportive people's side of things too, because there are some things that the support people can do that actually will help build willpower. Now you hear a lot of people say you can't willpower your way through an addiction, and there's a little truth in that, but it's also a little deceptive.
What they're saying is if you're just relying on your willpower alone. It's probably, you're probably going to, you're probably going to hit the wall at some point, especially if you don't understand how willpower works, like scientifically in your brain, how the process works. Everything I'm about to teach you guys today will apply to anything that requires willpower.
We're going to be relating it to addiction, but This [00:02:00] information isn't specific to addiction. We all have things that we're trying to use our willpower on to do better with, to do different. I want to tell you guys about an experiment, a scientific or psychological experiment called the Chocolate Radish Experiment.
Because this experiment really is at the foundation of modern thought on how willpower actually works. So in the chocolate radish experiment, these evil, cruel, devious researchers, they did this terrible thing. They created this experiment where they put, as always, two groups. They put these people in these rooms and they pumped in the smell of chocolate chip cookies.
That's why I say they're evil. They pumped in the smell of chocolate chip cookies so that you like freshly baked, you know That's like the best right and you're just smelling them And you got two groups of people one this group over here in this room this group people over here in this room and one of the groups they The [00:03:00] smell is in both groups, but on one side they actually gave the people chocolate chip cookies to eat.
And in the other room, this is the evil part they said, we want you to ignore that smell. We know it's smells like cookies, but here's some radishes. We want you to eat these radishes. Who likes radishes? I love a salad. I love a vegetable, but radishes? Gross. I don't even think I could eat the radish, but they, the scientists asked the people to eat the radishes.
Now that's not the experiment. This is where it gets really interesting. And then they gave both groups or sets of people. a puzzle to solve. Actually, it was like an impossible puzzle to solve. Like it wasn't solvable. And what they're testing really is who's got more resilience. Does the cookie versus the radish, does it impact your ability to think and problem solve and deal with difficulties and all this kind of stuff, the puzzles?
What they found was super interesting. What they found was. The people that ate the chocolate [00:04:00] chip cookies actually were able they weren't able to solve the puzzle because it wasn't solvable, but they worked on it about twice as long as the other group of people, they got less frustrated with it.
They wanted to say, how long are they going to try before they just give up and the chocolate chip cookie group, tolerated the whole situation much better. The other group, the radishes group, the people in that group, they were. Angry they some of them like got nasty with the researchers.
They're edible They're like a meltdown a two year old melting down And they gave up about 50 percent earlier than the chocolate chip cookie group and you might be thinking That's probably because maybe it's because there's some sugar In the cookies, but that's not really the case here It's not oh the sugar and they had the energy because they've done other experiments later That had to do with willpower and temptation that wasn't specifically about sugar and they get these same kind of results but Here's what we can learn from that.
What we learn from that [00:05:00] is when we're You have a finite amount of willpower. It really runs on little ATP which are sugar molecules in your brain just like everything else in your body does And so you need food you need, sugar molecules in your brain and you also need sleep That's the other thing that will refuel your I call it your willpower tank There's a finite amount just like there's a finite amount of gas in your gas tank.
Once you use it up, it's gone like It's gone and you can't refill it, the willpower tank anyway, until you get a really good night's sleep. Having something to eat, hopefully a little protein or something will help a little bit, but it's the good night's sleep that does it. What does this mean?
This means that you need to be very sort of intentional and strategic about what you are using your willpower for when you're trying to make a big life change when you're trying to overcome an addiction or even just overcome a bad habit or going on a diet or Learning something new or practicing [00:06:00] like all these new communication skills that we teach you on this channel When you're trying to do better and you're trying to break like a big habit It's going to eat through pretty much all of your willpower.
You're going to need to reserve all your willpower For the one big thing that you're trying to conquer right now because if you Are using it up on all the other stuff what's going to happen is before the end of the day you're going to hit that wall you're going to run out of willpower and Guess what happens when we run out of willpower?
The dam breaks. Not just necessarily with the addictive thing, but all the things that you've been resisting, you've been holding back on, all your good behaviors, pretty much gone. You're probably going to not be so nice to other people, you're going to eat what you've been trying not to eat, you're going to, you're just going to say the heck with it.
It's like the whole willpower dam just breaks because we use our willpower up every time we're Making a responsible decision every time we're like withholding or withholding an impulse or something like That's those are things that eat through our willpower So once that down breaks, [00:07:00] it's you hit the wall and you're just like forget it screw it I'm just going to do whatever we've all been there.
I hit the wall like almost every day So if you can understand this concept, it means that When you are in early recovery, you don't need to be trying to fix everything all at once. A lot of times when people try to clean up their life, they're like, you know what? I need to get my act together.
They want to stop drinking. They want to stop smoking. They want to start exercising every day, going to church, saying the prayers, doing their meditation, making their amends. They want to do it all at once. That's admirable because, you're trying to turn your life around and in some degree, yes, all of those things need to be done.
But if you try to conquer all of those things at one time, you're going to drop the ball. I like to think of it like juggling, right? You want to take one ball at a time and you want to get that one going until you've got that down really smooth. And then you want to throw another ball in there and then you learn to juggle two things.
Once you've developed a new habit, once you've gotten a new routine and whatever this cycle you're trying to break [00:08:00] isn't your most immediate response anymore, then it takes less willpower to keep that behavior going. So then you can add in other things because you've got some extra spare willpower now.
You want to add in things one at a time. So If you're trying to get sober, you don't also want to be trying to get the promotion at work. You don't also want to be deciding you're all of a sudden, you're going to get in shape or something like that. Now, if you're getting sober in a treatment center, sometimes you can do you can do the whole like quit smoking, quit drinking, get in shape, all that kind of stuff because you don't have regular everyday stressors.
You're not dealing with the dishes. You're not dealing with, the calling or the trash or all the just everyday frustrations and obstacles of life. So when you're in treatment, a lot of times they have you focus on that. They have you doing meditations and this and that, and you can do that because you don't have to do, you're not paying bills, you're not doing any of those things.
And it's just easier to focus in on that. But if you're doing it, Like in your real life home environment, you need [00:09:00] to think very carefully about how you're going to go about it. Now here comes the part that the families are probably going to be frustrated about And that is families. Here's what you guys say to me.
Y'all know I love you, but y'all kill me sometimes you watch these videos you literally work on your loved one for A year you finally get them to come talk to me. They're finally getting sober and I get it You're so frustrated. You've had it up to past here for the longest time you've done use of all of your willpower and then It's like it all goes out the window, but you're so frustrated because they haven't been Doing all their responsibilities.
They haven't been holding up their side of the bargain, all that stuff. And you want to throw everything at them at once. And you're mad at them about everything that's happened. So you're like waiting on your apology. You're putting the energy and the attitude out, you're glad they're doing it, but you're still upset.
Rightfully so about everything that you've been through and you need them to get their act together quickly [00:10:00] because You just can't hold you can't juggle all the walls yourself forever So you're all of a sudden wanting them to be a better father mother you want them to go to Meetings every single day you want them to still go to work.
You want them to be nice to you want them to be like On their hands and knees groveling begging you for forgiveness, which they probably need to do maybe eventually some of them do anyways but you push too hard right at the very beginning because you're because your willpower is out of You know your tank is out of gas If you want to truly help support your loved one in those early days of making a change You're going to have to interact with them differently and stop throwing everything at them at once.
I know it's unfair. I feel like uneasy even saying this because I feel like it's so unfair. I know it is but you've got to, you got to back off a little bit. And if you want to actually help give them. More willpower if you can say Genuinely little positive [00:11:00] encouraging things along the way give them little compliments.
It doesn't even have to be About like the recovery thing can be about anything, but you can give them a little compliment You can brag on them a little bit You can be sweet or friendly or make them laugh or something That actually gives them another drip or two back in that willpower tank or dopamine really because when they get that dopamine is what will Help you drive past empty just a little bit longer, right?
It helps you keep going when the gas tank is empty. If you can be positive and reinforcing and all of those things that. I know I shouldn't have to ask you to do, but I am. You're going to be helping your loved one have more willpower. Now I'm not letting the other person off the hook because if they were my client and I were seeing them, I'd be telling the same thing about you.
I'd say, listen, you done broke your family member. You done killed your wife. So here's what you got to do. I put the responsibility on them too. So I'm not I'm fair about making everybody have to hold their end. If you can give them that encouragement, if you can not try to throw everything at them at [00:12:00] once, if you can not expect them to do everything perfectly.
You're going to get a better result. And even when you get efforts that aren't maybe all the way to the point where you want them to be at, if you will just encourage those efforts and help along and maybe even smooth the pathway for the person a little bit, which might mean maybe you. Find the meetings.
Maybe you get the kids out of the house so they can go to their Zoom AA meeting or their coaching call or whatever it is, be helpful because I know it's hard. I know you're out of gas, but if you'll just keep hanging in there, you've done a lot to get this far. I know you have because you're watching these videos and if you just hang in there and give it a little bit longer, you might get across that.
And then everything and then they really can start to pick up pieces more and more. But a lot of times as the family member, you're just so frustrated, they're in treatment and you're just so upset with them. And you're so angry at them that all of your energy is negative or sassy or difficult.
And you're [00:13:00] pushing them and you're wanting them to have all the right answers right away. And scientifically. Willpower just doesn't work that way. You have to work with what you're dealing with. And then, of course, for those of you who are in those early stages of recovery, there are the basic things, which you've heard me talk about and everyone talk about.
So I'm not going to spend a lot of time on them. But anything you can do to keep away from those like willpower, like Pit traps or something the better which means don't subject yourself to triggers if you can help it Don't go to all the places where It's going to remind you of make you crave make you want to engage in your addictive behavior Don't watch the tv shows that are going to do that You know don't wear the clothes that are going to make you do that the more you can do to stay away from that It's going to it's going to preserve your willpower Like the gas and the gas tank and it's in which will help it last a little longer.
I'm not saying you can't do those things. I'm not saying you will relapse if you go to those things, but I'm saying you're going to use [00:14:00] up your willpower reserve really quickly, and that's going to be dangerous because. If you get yourself in a situation where you're out of willpower for the day And the right kind of situation presents itself You're in trouble.
That's the formula for relapse let's take some questions and as always I will remind you there are additional resources in the description there is one Spot left to start strength based recovery coaching in february There are a couple of spots to start it in march and that is recovery coaching with me and the way that we do that is I'm going to focus on your strengths.
I don't see it as my job that I'm not the principal, I'm not the probation officer. When you come to see me, my goal is to make you feel better when you're done with that session with me. Not to make you feel worse because I know you need your willpower. So I'm here to help find strengths and help guide you in the recovery process.
If you want to do that, links in the description. And then if you're a family member and you need [00:15:00] some coaching and you have a lot of questions, but you don't want to put your name or jump on here on the Thursday videos, which is totally understandable. Then you can join our private coaching group, which I've also put the link for in the description because Kim and Campbell do live calls that are private ones, just for the people in the group where you can jump on and ask questions and get feedback every single week.
There's an opportunity to do that.
Sarah says, what do you do if the only time they open up and are vulnerable with you is when they are intoxicated? I have been using reflective listening and empathy. Also tried curiosity when he said it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I asked him why he feels That way and I didn't get a response. Did I do the right thing?
Here's what I would say sarah what I would do if I were you is I would try to get them to open up talk about things anythings Not related to the addiction you want to set a tone and a pace that says hey This is a safe environment. I'm not going to get upset I'm not going to jump on you So take those everyday [00:16:00] topics and turn them into conversation use your reflective listening and your empathy there One thing you can do which is a mirroring technique is repeat back to you what they say.
So like when he says nothing I do matters to mirror that back. You could say nothing you do matters And put that little curious like uplift on the end there and it invites Response it almost triggers an automatic response and usually the person will start to tell you more immediately And without having to ask a lot of questions, so try that one more here Rh says major change talk last week I need to quit all of it and then he's back to wanting to drink even more now It feels three steps forward five steps back.
I don't have any control when you get the change talk rh You got to be sitting on ready With some action steps to get that change talk to turn into action. So it's do some research, find out some options of some things you can ask your loved one to do right when you get that window open, would you want to, if they need to go to treatment, have some treatment lined up if they, [00:17:00] if you just want them to see a counselor, have counselor lined up or some options picked out .
And get them to commit to taking some action steps, because if they don't fuel that change talk, it will go away. So be ready with some options and see if you can get them to commit to doing something and the faster, the better, because you want to take that momentum you got and build on it. All right, we're going to go to Jazzy.
The first time I got clean, I was like almost like a dry drunk, but now I'm living recovery and that's because of you. And I found myself in sober living and I moved to a different state. Left everyone behind but I have triggers with like confrontations and critiques and I became a I'm a chore checker for the month and like It's so hard like I just like I had to give like a lot of the girls exes last week I had to give them again this week and like I got called some names and called a chore nazi And like it just made me now i'm like afraid to go upstairs and socialize I ran to the movies because like my when I would like Getting fights in my family, [00:18:00] I would just wait until they fell asleep, and then I would leave, and go hide in the bush, and they wouldn't hear from me for weeks to two years, and I would just, until the whole problem, until they would forget, and I could just come home and be like, hey, everything's cool, right?
And it's really hard, I get really anxious. You're basically, you're having to play the bad guy role, right? You're having to be the bad cop in some of these situations, and it makes you feel super squirmy, and you just want to hide from it, essentially.
Yep. Okay. Can I think I have one suggestion that might help you any, and you may have heard me talk about this to family members but you may not be connecting the dots that you can actually use in a situation like this. Anytime you're about to deliver some bad news or be the bad cop or say something that's maybe not going to land well.
Just acknowledge that first you can say All right. I'm going to have to be the chore police here Like I totally hate being this and then say what you're going to say You can say here it comes like i'm about to be so mean or Bitchy or whatever it is. Just say whatever you think they're thinking about yourself And then [00:19:00] whatever you say next is going to come across softer because you're it's almost like you're like, softening the ground up and you're acknowledging like Yeah, I know this ain't fun.
I know that this is coming across as mean or controlling. If you just say those things, it actually takes the sting out for the other person. And what you will probably get is something like, I know it's your job. You have to do it. You're just doing what you have to do. If you don't say it, then the other person is likely thinking, Oh my gosh, she thinks she's better than us.
Like she's just on our case, like all the thoughts, right? So just say it. If you think they always say, she's always on us about our chores, say I know I'm always on you about your chores. I'm like the chore police around here. Say it first and then deliver the next thing. Try that and see if that helps a little bit.
Thank you so much. And hey, I'm super proud of you and you're doing awesome. And I love that you're in sober living. That's for people who are going to do any kind of treatment and sober living is not officially treatment, but I think sober living is where it's at because you haven't learned all these skills, right?
Like you're having to do hard things and you need these skills like in life. Like, how am I going to [00:20:00] try to socialize, try to have tags and even just like making your bed and it's building healthier habits. And I'm about to hit one year on the third. I'm just like. So good, so happy.
That's so exciting. Yeah. Now, the skills you're building translate to the real world because they're real world skills. Whereas when you're in like lockdown treatment, it's not the same. What you're doing, if you can be sober and sober living, you can be sober because, especially in women's sober living, because there's so much drama.
It's almost harder. If you can do it there, you can do it anywhere. Okay. Thank you. Bye. You're welcome. Bye.
Let's see here.
Sarah question. My alcoholic BF is slowly drinking less, but still binges once or twice a week complains that I'm on his case and that is why he can't stop. I'm working on my tone and words, but not.
Perfect. How do I get him to forgive me and forget how I was bad? What should I do for the next time? He drinks a lot. So there's a couple of questions there, he's saying you haven't [00:21:00] dealt with , his problem perfectly, which, who could, right? You just want to acknowledge it.
Just like I was telling Jazzy earlier, when you either have to deliver the bad news, or maybe you need to apologize, say, listen, I know I didn't handle that well. So you just want to own it and say, I'm really, I'm working on it and I'm probably not going to be perfect. And so if you will, if you'll work with me and keep sticking with me as I try to get better, I'm going to work with you and keep sticking with you as you try to get better.
We're going to do this together. So you're you're acknowledging that maybe you haven't always handled things well in the past, but if you'll give me some grace, I'll give you some grace because guess what? They know they're going to need some grace. They're probably likely to take you up on that offer.
And if you just own it outright, like I was telling Jesse, a lot of times they're like, I know, like I put you in that position. A lot of times they'll even say that to you out loud. They'll acknowledge your side of the story. But even when they don't say it out loud, they know that in their own head.
Here's a question. Hi, Amber. I left my addicted boyfriend, BF. I'm assuming that's what it means, or best friend, a year ago. There [00:22:00] has been NC. He's out drinking and partying. I'm worried, but do not know if I should contact him.
He's 63, drank for many years and in denial. You're talking about you're not with this person and you're wanting to reach out because you can see that they're they're on a bad path, they're on a spiral and it's not good. This is going to sound really horrible to me. Oh, look, I just showed y'all.
Just let me do it. This is going to sound horrible. I'm acknowledging it, but I would not. You're going to get yourself sucked back into a situation that probably was really hard to get out of. And I would not insert myself back in it if I were you, if you're already out of it. I hate to say that but that's just the truth of it because you're not together with them.
You're not going to have much leverage in order to help this person. You're going to have to get really close to the situation, which is going to bring a lot of pain on you. For those of you that are already in it, then we got to figure it out. But if you're out of it. I don't know that I would get back in it, if you can help it.
Jackson says, My wife did an inpatient rehab for 28 [00:23:00] days and then went back to drinking two weeks after. She just checked herself into a sober living house yesterday where she has more freedom. Is this a good thing? Yes, I think it is a good thing. You always have more freedom in sober living than you have in rehab because in rehab like treatment, it's usually locked up treatment there's not an opportunity to make bad choices and it was like I was talking to jazzy about in sober living There's a lot of recovery supports and yes, there are rules and requirements and monitoring and stuff like that, but for the most part, it's real world living and that's where you need to learn the skills of being sober.
Because what you're saying is your wife did 28 days of treatment and she stayed sober for two weeks, which means in my mind, it means that your wife. Was trying if she wasn't trying she would have literally used the day She got out if she was just faking it She would count down it would have been on like donkey kong as soon as she left But she made it two weeks and then fell off the cliff So what the saying is not that she doesn't mean it and not that she's not trying but that she [00:24:00] needs Maybe some more skills and some more help dealing with all the stressors.
And sober living, I think is a good place to do that. So yes I think that is a good thing.
All right, Debbie's got a question But even if it's an ex and I am now out of the situation He keeps calling and saying his family won't help and i'm the only friend he has should I call his family? No, I would not call his family because I feel like that's outside of your side of the street.
Debbie. If his family is not helping is a sad and hard as that is to hear. There's probably some really good reasons. It means he's burned some bridges for that. I think it would be. Out of bounds to call a family and I don't and I don't think it would help anyway because if they're Holding that strong boundary.
I don't think that they're going to let that down because i'm sure that there's a reason why they're doing that
All right. Let's see here.
Okay. I think the question you guys are responding to with Ryan is this first one right here, which is how do I stop drinking? And everybody's jumping in here to give you some [00:25:00] feedback. And I saw what you said later in another chat, Ryan, which is you said, I'm not in denial. In fact, you're saying I absolutely hate what I've become.
So you're, you are not in denial and you are actually just by watching this video, you're actually already taking action steps because you're trying to figure out what to do in order to leave the alcohol behind. In my experience. Most people know, like most people know deep down inside what it is that they really need to do to make it happen, especially if they've tried multiple times and usually it comes down to there's just like something like one little thing that they've been like resisting doing for whatever reason.
And it's because of that, that they're not having the success. Maybe it's the person's been like they need to go to medical detox because they can't get past three days, but they just haven't wanted to and they're just resisting it. Or maybe it's like they have a friend or a relationship in their life that they know that they're just never going to be able to get sober and have that relationship.
And it's like they want to get sober, but they don't want to give up that [00:26:00] relationship. Maybe it's like they know they need to get support and they should go to meetings, but they feel anxious and they don't want to. If there's something In your heart deep down that, you need to do that.
You've been avoiding doing that's probably the thing that's missing. I could tell you 10 things to do, but, what the pieces are that aren't working for you. Are you keeping it in your life? Is there a relationship? Is it help treatment coaching? What is it that's missing? Or what is it that you've been avoiding or being reluctant to?
And I also have a free 30 day jumpstart program that you can Sign up for on my website, which is familyrecoveryacademy.
online. Go to the tab that says free resources, slide down and find the 30 day jumpstart because it's just little three minute Amber video messages that will come to your inbox every day. They'll help you stay motivated, overcome roadblocks, just little short. thought for the day that'll help you get going.
That's why it's called the jump start.
All right, here's Stephanie's question. I am learning [00:27:00] how to lecture less, give less advice, and less solving problems. I'm asking more questions, more conversation, and more storytelling. Will this help an adult son, alcoholic, want to get help? Yes, it will help. It will help the person come to terms with The fact that they have a problem And it's levels first.
It's like it helps them come to terms with whether or not they have a problem So if they're in denial, you got to get past that and then there's like second layer of denial Which is can I solve this problem on my own? So if you've been doing all these things, you're, what's happening is you're allowing the person to have a safe place to talk to you as a sounding board.
And just like I was telling Ryan how like most people have the answers down inside as you're getting him to talk Those answers are coming up surfacing and when he's saying those things out loud, it's reinforcing it in his own mind so if you're ever talking to him and he says something like Yeah, I really need to, I think doing this or that or whatever would help me.
Then [00:28:00] say what's the best way to make that happen? Or have you thought about anybody that does that or you get them to elaborate on how he's going to take the action steps and that will increase the chances that he will actually take the action steps. Cause you're not only is he saying.
I need to do something. And he's saying, I think this would help. I need to do this in order to do that something. And then if you ask them the how questions, it's now you're getting them to commit to how to make the action step, how to put it in place. But yes, what you're doing is definitely helpful.
Question here. If my BF uses heroin once a week, is that an active addiction? Addiction doesn't, isn't about what substance or how much it's about how much unmanageability and difficulty it's causing in your life. It's about. Do the cons outweigh the pros, is it messing your relationships up?
Is it messing your finances up? Are you putting yourself in a dangerous situation to do it? Do you have cravings for it all throughout the week? Are you only [00:29:00] using once a week because you've had? Difficulties in the past you've been to treatment and you're fooling yourself into thinking I can just do this once a week and make it manageable I honestly don't know many people that do heroin once a week.
So i'm skeptical a little bit. I'll admit and doubtful about that statement, so It makes me think there's more going on or maybe he's doing heroin once a week, but he's doing something else during the other times so I don't know. I think there's a little more to the story, but the addictive questions are not about what or how much.
It's about how much unmanageability is coming.
