5 Subtle Signs Someone Is Serious About Getting Sober
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[00:00:00] Most people that are battling an addiction say they're going to stop many times before they actually stop for good. They may have short periods of sobriety or tolerance breaks or times when they cut it back. But when they really get that long term sobriety, there's just certain Indicators, things they say, ways they behave, that will let you know that They're really serious about it this time as a family member when your loved one is struggling with addiction and they're Making promises and they're breaking promises and they're telling you're going to cut back telling you're going to stop, you know Telling you that they get it.
They know it's a problem Eventually what happens is you just stop Believing anything that they say, right? Because you've heard it all before, heard it a million times, and then you're thinking what's different about this time? And even when they really mean it, and they really probably could use some support, by the time they get there, as the family member, you're all like, just jaded.
[00:01:00] You're all just whatever. We'll see. Because you've heard it so many times. It's, of course, it is important to, Step back and watch to see what happens, but there are some things that you can look out for that. Let you know maybe I shouldn't say are they serious or not? But how serious are they because usually in those earlier attempts?
It's not that they're not Serious or that they don't mean it but they're not A hundred percent serious. They're not all the way there with it. And those of you who are subscribed to this channel you've heard me talk about the stages of change and the bargaining and the back and forth. They're just in that process So in this video, I want to tell you some of the signs that you can listen for that says yeah they're serious But there may be in an earlier stage or probably not done yet and then signs that you can look for These are the things I look for that tell me like, okay Somebody's really getting it now.
Like they're really trying and i'm not saying 100 percent You see these signs that they're never going to do it again but I would pretty [00:02:00] strongly tell you that if you see these signs that they get it. They mean it like they're really serious about it. They're really trying. Okay and it's interesting because when I You I'm in session pretty quickly after talking to someone I can surmise How close to done we are just by listening not just for change talk but they're just other things listening to the way they talk about the problem There's just very subtle slight differences and I want you to start Listening for them if you're the family member and if you're watching this and you're struggling with addiction and you're like, Am I there?
Am I serious? You're going to know based on are you thinking these thoughts? You're going to know. So when someone's close, but not all the way there, what you're going to hear them say is things like, yeah, I really need to stop. I really need to cut back. I got to take a break from it. They'll say things like, like maybe they have, a problem with [00:03:00] more than one substance, you'll hear them say things like, yeah, I've got to stop the cocaine. I've got to stop the alcohol. I've got to stop the prescription pain pills, whatever it is, but they don't mention the other thing.
And what that means, and this is very common, is that they feel like I've got a problem with this over here, but this other substance that goes along with it, it's not really the problem. It's just . This part over here, that's the problem. And so they'll want to stop one substance, but not another substance.
The other thing that I hear a lot that really clues me in to somebody is probably not all the way done is that they, it's like they say they have a problem. They may even use the word addict or alcoholic or something like that, like a strong language indicator, but they'll follow that up very quickly by telling you a few more statements that kind of.
Minimize the alcohol problem the drug problem and let me give you some examples. I was reading in the video comments This was a few weeks ago. I read this [00:04:00] comment. It was on one of the videos and it said I got a big problem. I can't remember what the addiction was too, but it was basically like I'm really addicted to blah, blah, blah.
I got to stop. I just keep relapsing. I don't really, I don't know what's going wrong. I have this big addiction, but I don't really use it every day. I don't pawn things. It's not like I've ever stolen or anything, but I really got to stop this. You hear the strong language of, I have an addiction.
I'm alcoholic, . But then you hear . These little adjunct things they're adding on to tell you how it's not that bad. And when I hear statements like that, then I know that's actually why they're having trouble stopping is because they haven't convinced themselves that they need to quit it.
When I hear things like that, it lets me know that they're still probably it's just super easy to talk themselves into trying to manage it or one last time or just socially, . They're leaving themselves wiggle room and I'm not saying that those statements are untrue, but they are in their mind [00:05:00] minimizing the problem.
And that. Decreases the seriousness and the willingness and the urgency that they have about solving this problem. On the other hand, when you hear people say these other kind of things I'm about to tell you, you know, hey, we're a lot closer. The biggest thing I look for is that they have Insight into the problem.
And what I mean by that is that they pretty easily readily, usually without me even asking, will describe for me and tell me why it's a problem or they're alcoholic. Like for example, if someone comes into my office and they just say, I'm an alcoholic Amber, I need your help. I want to stop or whatever.
Then I might say What makes you think you're an alcoholic? And then i'm going to listen for what they're going to tell me next a lot of times they tell me this without me asking They'll say oh my god, this is ruining my life. Like i'm literally Like screwing up at work. I'm screwing up my marriage.
I feel like crap like I hate myself They will just list it out for you because they've done a lot of [00:06:00] thinking and they're able to Articulate all the negative effects of It's like they see it and they'll be able to tell you those things and when they tell it to you there's a seriousness behind their voice whereas In the earlier stages, it's there, but there's a little hesitation. There's a little minimization. When you hear people say that insightful thing, then, they're getting it. I've heard it several times this week. Sometimes with clients, like people that are actually trying to battle addiction themselves.
And then also I've heard it in sessions this week from family members telling me about what's going on with their loved one. They'll just be like telling me what's happening. I'm like, Oh, that's a good sign. Oh, that's a good sign. Oh, that's a good sign. Because it's just a, it's a subtle difference.
They say every time like I'm going to stop I'm done with this or whatever. I promise never again They'll say they that's consistently there no matter what but these other things when you hear these other things added in Now we're getting down to business Let me i'm trying to think of some things i've heard this week like this week.
I heard someone tell [00:07:00] me like this stuff is about to ruin my life and I have built myself a really good life. I've got a good career. I've got a good family. This isn't like me at all. I'm drinking and then X, Y, and Z things are happening to me. What the heck? I'm not going to let this problem take me down.
And I've watched what it's done to my friend, and I'm not going to let that happen. I heard that this week in a session, and that's how I know pretty quickly Okay, he's getting it. And it didn't take much practice. prodding to pull that out of him. I didn't have to get, I call it the therapy tweezers. I didn't have to pull that out with the therapy tweezers.
I just have to say what's going on? Why do you think that? Why are you serious? And they just start giving me a hundred reasons. And that tells me that I've done a lot of thinking and contemplating on it. Another time this week, I was talking to someone and they were telling me about their loved one.
And I've talked to this person before and following the storyline a little bit and their loved one was trying before and they were going to meetings, but they weren't changing people, places and things. And I was like we're close, but not there this past time. When I talked to the family member, they're like, oh, they're really not even hanging out with [00:08:00] those people anymore.
Like I. Actually, now that I think about it, they haven't even come around at all. They're still going to the meetings and they're actually like actively looking for a sponsor and one time actually, they even picked up the phone, called someone for a meeting to ask them some questions about how like this or that or whatever from the meeting.
I was like, okay, now that right there, that is like big serious, son. It's not just, I'm going to the meetings to check it off at I'm actually doing what they're telling me. I'm working this program. I'm actually seriously in it. And I'm not saying that someone has to work 12 steps to be seriously in it, but to be seriously in something, right?
It doesn't have to be that, but something where they're taking it seriously. They're trying to learn. They're trying to understand. They're trying to change. You see them taking those actions and other actions that you might see them take is The first one is they cut out bad people. Now, if you're watching and you're a family member.
I know you already know this and you probably got a whole list of them written down somewhere and you're like, Oh, this person's going to go and that person's got to go. [00:09:00] And trust me, your loved one knows this. Okay. They're probably bargaining with themselves about that's been my best friend since.
Third grade, we go way back and that they don't want to let go of it. And I understand that there's reasons for that. There's some, maybe it's like work co workers or something. And they're like, I can't quit this job. Like it's paying our bills or whatever. You're going to want to push them to get rid of them faster.
But that's not going to work. Actually, if you start pushing people to get rid of people, that's actually, Worse than pushing them to get rid of the addiction. Like people will hang on to relationships longer than the other thing. So you'll start seeing those things change. You'll start seeing where they're going, what they're doing.
It just changes like all the things that you know, that the very basic things that, someone who's serious about changing behavior would do. You're witnessing it. You don't have to coax it out of them. You don't have to yell at them. You don't have to remind them 400 times. They're just doing it naturally on their own.
They are taking steps. Maybe they're finding a counselor. Maybe [00:10:00] they're going to meetings. Maybe they're working with smart recovery or whatever, but they're like taking these action steps. And I'm not saying they're doing it perfectly. I'm not saying they're going and doing it every single day, calling their sponsor every day and doing all that.
But when you see they're taking real steps, you are actually seeing behaviors change. Now, we're getting somewhere because one of the early mistakes people make is they're serious about wanting to stop whatever it is, but they think that they can just stop by saying, I'm just not going to do that anymore and literally not change anything else about their lifestyle, nothing else.
And I'm like, yeah, that's not going to work. So when you start seeing those changes being made, that's real deal stuff. You'll also notice that they don't. Minimize it anymore. Like they get it. And when they, maybe they don't talk to you about it a lot, but when they do talk about it, like there's a severity and an urgency to it, like they're explaining to you why this is so bad.
They're like, no, once I started drinking, I can't stop no, this stuff. I've already tried to slow this down, Amber. Sometimes when I'm trying to figure it out, I'll say have you tried to cut it back? Have you taken a break from it? They're like, [00:11:00] yeah, Amber, I done tried all that. It's not going to work.
It tells me that, okay, we're past that. Check those little boxes off. And they know that they can't manage it. They don't try to minimize it. Now I deal a lot with people who, and this is my favorite, this is my goal, is people who haven't lost everything. They haven't hit any, they've hit small bottoms, but they haven't hit like the bottom, lost everything.
But. They're still able to very easily articulate to me why it is such a big problem. And maybe they're still working and have a good job. Maybe their wife hasn't left and maybe they're still doing X, Y, or Z, but they get it. Like they don't, they know that if they don't do something, that all those other things will eventually go.
The thing I tell people is I'm like, you don't have to hit bottom. To get sober, but you have to realize that you will if you don't stop and that's the thing when people are minimizing It's yeah, it's a problem, but right it's the problem, but it's not like that bad not leaving people over there And when you hear people say no, it's probably like this stupid why am I doing this making me behave in a way That is not like me at all.
I don't even like who I have [00:12:00] anymore. I feel like crap all the time I hate this stuff You hear like strong language, that someone really means it. And you also got to listen for what someone is not saying. And what I'm listening for is they're not having secret thoughts about, I can manage it, or maybe one day it'll be different, or I'm just, when they're, Kind of trial and error in it.
They take breaks. They do stuff like that, but you can hear in their language, they'll say things like, I'm not saying like I'm done forever, but I know that this is a problem, but you can hear that there's a reservation back there. You can hear there's these little loopholes that there's a.
deep down inside that eventually I'm going back. I'm going to try this going to work different this time. And you just don't hear that when you're dealing with someone who's serious. Now I know in 12 step programs, they teach you to say one day at a time. And a lot of people who are very serious and working on a really good program, they'll say I can't promise to be sober forever, but I'm sober [00:13:00] today.
That's just 12 step lingo. They're literally just repeating what they've heard other people repeat. Cause this is a philosophy, but,
but there's a difference. Cause when I hear people were literally telling me things like I'm not saying we'll stay sober forever. I'm probably going to drink again. I'm probably going to do this again. At some point you can tell there's an active plan to do it again at some point versus trying to be humble about it in a, in a way or whatever, by saying just for today or whatever it is, there's just a subtle difference in it.
And you know it when you hear it. As always, I will remind you, there are more resources and description. We have a page on our website that's full of free downloadable resources. You can schedule with our recovery coaches to talk about your situation specifically.
You can do strength based recovery coaching with me, Invisible Intervention. All kind of stuff. It's all down there. We have free Facebook group for families. We have a coaching group for families, all kinds of stuff. It's in there. My website is family at recovery academy. online. Somebody was leaving in the comments today, like, how do I find you?
It's not hard. It's all down there for you. All [00:14:00] right. You're used to say, let's try it your way one more time. But if that doesn't work, you agreed to look into outside program.
And he agreed to, this is the second part, full downward spiral. So I asked him what the plan is. And he says, Not going to drink. What do you say to that? I messed up and we got into an argument and about that not being the plan. Okay. So you're doing you're doing what I recommend, which is good. It's they're saying, I want to try it my way this time.
And then you say, okay, but if that doesn't work, will you agree to get professional help or whatever it is? And so when that moment comes, don't. Don't do it on the very first slip the very first day. Let it roll for a minute Let it show that it's unmanageable again. So because if you stop it too soon, they think in their mind like oh, yeah See, I am managing it better this time.
It's not time yet. Wait until it's pretty clear that okay, here we are We're back again. Like we're full we're all in it now and you say all right, you [00:15:00] know I know you've tried really hard. You say some validating stuff and then you say, but we talked to each other about this and you said that you would be willing to do this.
So I've looked into these options, which of these options would you, would be better for you instead of saying what's your plan? Because it's almost like a setup. And then when they don't say what you're hoping they say, because of the before promise, then you're getting really upset when they're still going to want to keep trying it their way.
But if. If you, a lot of times if you say, all right, like you said, you'd go like talk to that one person or whatever. So when are you going to do that sweet, nice, kind, but like direct with like specifically what you're asking them to do in there. Rita says, my daughter says she's going to an appointment today to start a three week Suboxone detox.
She's very . Impolitely, and she has no gas money to get there. And I've always said I'd help when she's ready to go for help. Guilt trip. Do I give her a ride? And what if she asked me for more after more? [00:16:00] Place to say, et cetera. She's traveling with a guy who's like her sidekick, who's resourceless as she is.
So I think Rita, what you're asking me is I've always told her I would help her when she's ready to get help. But now it's she's saying she's going to go to Swaxon clinic, but I know she's going to ask me for gas money and this and that and the other, how do I know that she's serious? Do you hear any of these other things?
You're. Telling me and the thing that she's very impolite. So she has a lot of attitude about it Is she able to articulate the seriousness of it that she really gets it? That's how you're going to know that she's seriously trying and I'm not saying that you shouldn't give her gas money or Take her to the Suboxone Clinic either which way.
I think that's okay to do either which way, but if you're wondering where we're at, you want to hit listen for some of these other things we just talked about. They may not apologize to you because that comes later, but they can see what they're doing to themselves and they'll be able to articulate that.
Eric, how do you push through with the invisible intervention when an awful death in the family is triggering my alcoholic wife and [00:17:00] she might be drinking to cope? You don't necessarily need to change anything about the invisible intervention techniques. What I would do is, If the person had, I guess I need some more details.
Was it like they were doing really good and they were sober for a while and then somebody passed and then the stress of the whole thing, and now they're in a relapse, or it was like, maybe you were hearing some change talk, but they never really did get sober. It's been going on the whole time, but now it's like getting worse because of the The death in the family or grief or whatever it is.
It's two sort of different kinds of scenarios.
Michelle says just yesterday after a night of binging, my 23 year old son said to me on the phone, I hate my life. I just want to drink like a normal person. And then he goes back to the bar the following night. How do I respond? Is that the rest of it? Cause it cut off there. I think it is the rest of it.
So this is a great example, Michelle, because you're saying, I hate my life. I just want to drink like a normal person. That's one of those statements that [00:18:00] lets me know that we're not completely done yet that they're still in there wanting to manage it. So this might sound a little counselory, but I can tell you what I would say if they're in my office and I would say okay what do you think Like a normal person dreams, what would be a reasonable amount and have them articulate to you like what that would look like so that when they go back out there and they try to do that, they're going to notice pretty quickly that it's not like what they said.
It was like they're going to want to talk to you about it. Try to drink like a normal person multiple times. They're going to go through that and you got, you're going to have to let them fail at that multiple times. So having them articulate normal people do this, they don't drink every day.
They don't drink more than this. They don't whatever, have them articulate to you. And it doesn't matter what they say. Okay. So if they say something that's ridiculous, a normal person doesn't. A normal person only drinks a gallon of vodka a day or something. I know that's ridiculous. Doesn't matter.
Don't try to say actually no, a normal person drinks this and this, don't try to push your [00:19:00] qualifications about what that means onto the person, because if they break those limits, it doesn't matter to them because they didn't think that anyways. So if a person tells me I only want to drink two bottles of wine a night.
Is that like way more than regular drinking? Sure it is, but I'm going to let that stand and usually I'll even say, all right let's up it a little bit. Because when they cross that line, it's going to be abundantly clear. There's really not any minimizing it's super clear. That's what I would do.
Eric, the death of. occurred before I started the invisible intervention. She was an active addiction when it happened and still is stage three. So that doesn't really change anything about the process. Then Eric, that's just a continuation of use. And anybody who's an active addiction is going to be stuck on some kind of bad thing that happened.
I don't know, Eric, if you've heard me talk about it, but that sort of self pity and resentment, it is the fuel for why they keep doing it. So I don't want to minimize the death and say, Oh, that's not really why I'm just saying if it weren't that thing, it'd be something else. Because it's, they don't, [00:20:00] especially with drinking, they don't heal.
They don't grieve and they stay stuck in old hurts, old resentments and pain. And so she's stuck in that. But everybody who's out there with an addicted loved one, their person is stuck in something too. So I don't know that it really changes it much. It's par for the course. Robin asks, what if the only reason they think they might even think about quitting is because of how much it worries affects loved ones. But he says he enjoys drinking and doesn't want to quit.
He doesn't think getting drunk most days and passing out is a problem He still has a good job and a house and no legal issues Okay, so this is the question of like when someone says if I do quit, it's only because you want me to.
Or if I did go to treatment, it's only because you made me do it. Or sometimes we'll say, people will say okay, I'm going to do it. But mostly just because it's ruining my marriage, but they don't really think it's a problem. That's definitely not a sign of they're completely ready. That's one of the.
earliest kinds of change [00:21:00] talks you might hear because they realize it's causing a problem in a relationship but they minimize after that because probably what they're telling themselves is but that's just because you're like so uptight that's just because like you think everybody's a drug addict or whatever so they're like yeah i know you think it's a problem and because you think it's from this problem for me but your opinion doesn't really count because So you got to let that roll.
Now, my guess is with most people, they actually do have more insight than they let you know. So they probably know a lot more than what they're saying, but they're not there yet.
Celia says, my son is an alcoholic. I've gotten two loans to pay his rent. I'm sinking in debt. He can't keep a job because of his addiction. He's about to be addicted. Should I let him move in with us? Celia, I am glad you're on here today. Let me it's not often I can give you a very strong Confident solid answer and that's all the answer is no you should not But you also should not keep paying his rent I get it You're going to now you're going to be put in the point of boy He's going to get evicted [00:22:00] or i'm going to have to let him come to my house.
You can look for other living options for him not ones that you're going to pay but shelters, treatment centers. You can lay out these other options, but you can't keep paying his rent, especially if you're going into debt for it. And you definitely can't let him come live in the house with you.
So I know that puts you in a tight spot, but that's my advice. Noah says, How can you tell if your sex addict spouse is still using you and your body to act out, or really trying to make an emotional connection? Outside of the intimacy, do you see other kinds of intimacy? Do you see them? Trying to connect to you on other levels.
I guess that's one thing that I would be looking towards, do they have a respect for you? Do you have outside other conversations? So it's not so much of what exactly is happening in the bedroom, but what's happening outside the bedroom. That's what I would look for. Plus all these other things we said, you'll hear them be able to articulate those things.
So it's the same, [00:23:00] that's the same no matter what the addiction is.
Mel says, how can I help my addicted loved one? I've helped him be able to vent and I know it affects him, but it seems like stress or things he hasn't overcome, get him to drink again. What it sounds to me like Mel is your person is still an active addiction. Maybe they take a day off here or there or whatever but they're still continuing to drink.
Like even if somebody is drinking or using or whatever they're doing and they take four or five days off and they go back. I don't even know if I'd call that a relapse. I would probably just call that a continuation because there's not enough time in between and when they're in that active addictive state, they don't handle stress well because they've literally They've been using to deal with stress for so long.
They're coping muscles atrophy is the way I explain it. Like they've lost the ability to cope. Like they've forgotten how plus everything in life that is stressful feels a hundred times more [00:24:00] stressful than it would otherwise, because of all the brain chemical changes. So when they're not using, their brain chemicals are all jacked up.
They're being flooded with anxiety chemicals. They're not sleeping good at night.
