The Shame Trap: Why It’s So Hard to Break Free from Addiction
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[00:00:00] The relationship between shame, guilt, and addiction is a complicated one. In some ways, shame and guilt are the exact motivators that are needed to trigger someone to want to change a behavior. But in other ways, it's not. Shame and guilt are the motivators that keep people stuck in addiction.
So in today's video, I really want to break that down for you and explain to you how it can work in a positive way and how it can also backfire and keep people stuck in work. Against the idea of change. Even though shame and guilt are extremely uncomfortable emotions, even uncomfortable emotions serve a purpose.
And the purpose of the feelings of shame and guilt are to trigger behavior change. They're indicators to ourselves that we're doing something that doesn't fit with our value system, that. We probably need to get an alignment with it. We need to change. It's what happens to us when we feel like we [00:01:00] have harmed.
ourselves when we've harmed or done something wrong to the people around us or just acted in an incongruent way. So these are very important emotions. In fact, without shame and guilt and remorse and those kinds of feelings, people would never probably choose to change their addictive behavior because in other ways, the addictive behavior is still rewarding through dopamine and other brain chemicals,
it's when we get in the right balance of having that shame, guilt, and remorse that we begin to think about changing our behaviors. A lot of a lot of you maybe have heard my videos on the stages of change and you know that change isn't like we wake up one day and we're like, that's it, I'm done. It's really more of a process from pre contemplation, which means It's like denial, basically.
It's fancy for denial. It means the person is unaware that they have a problem to contemplation, which is maybe thinking about, I have a problem, but it's probably not that bad. Or I'm not sure if I want to do something about it. And then that moves into [00:02:00] preparation, which is. This part where we start to think about changing something, we might start to gather information, look for resources or support, guidance, coach, counselor, whatever, and then action.
And that's where we start to take those active steps towards actually changing the behaviors. So that change process, it doesn't matter what you're trying to change. It it always happens in that same way, whether it's a diet, whether it's you're trying to make changes in your financial life, whatever that is, relational or addiction.
It goes in that same process. It's the shame and guilt that can move us from pre contemplation, which is denial, into contemplation. And without it, people don't really move into the contemplation stage of change. However, because it's, because shame specifically is such an uncomfortable, distressing feeling.
If that feeling hangs around too long. or it's in too high of a dose, then it's so uncomfortable that [00:03:00] people tend to run back into their old habits or behaviors, especially when it comes to addiction, because it's the only thing, the only way they know how to soothe that feeling. And so one of the really important takeaways that I want you guys to get from this is whether you're trying to help yourself or you're trying to help a loved one, shaming yourself or a loved one.
Is not the way to motivate someone to change. You see this all the time with family members who are trying to be helpful and supportive. And they have this loved one who's in denial. And the way that they're trying to get their loved one out of denial is to tell them how they're ruining their life and how they're ruining your life and how they're messing up their kids and how they're like destroying their finances and all these other things.
But coming at someone that way really makes them stay with their Head tucked under the covers with their eyes closed. It makes them stay in denial because it's more than their ego can tolerate at the moment. Deep down inside, most people have an [00:04:00] awareness about this and.
For the most part, if you just step back out of the way and allow these feelings to surface in people, that is the most productive way to help someone change. In fact, when people come into my office and they start talking a little bit about these things, what I do is I Very purposefully and strategically do everything I can to reduce the shame.
And that's not enabling people. That's not making them feel like it's fine, or it's totally fine to continue their behavior. But what it is it's clearing the path for someone to be able to move into that active stage of change. Because if someone is so distressed and they're beating themselves up and they're telling themselves they're a horrible person, they ruined everything.
What it does is . It almost makes it feel like completely unmanageable. It makes it feel like it's too big, like they're not capable or competent to change. And so you [00:05:00] feel stuck. You have that feeling of powerlessness, which only really makes you want to run and hide back under the anesthesia of whatever substance or addictive behavior that you're using.
It just makes you want to stay in denial about it. So if someone is talking to you at any level about it, it means that they have a sufficient enough amount of shame, guilt, remorse, regret, all that stuff. To realize that they have a problem. So they're already showing you that they're coming out of pre contemplation into contemplation.
And so I usually see it as my job to help not make them feel totally fine about it, but also help them see that it's not the end of the world. It's not like anything that they can't come back from to help it feel a lot more manageable, because that's what makes someone feel brave enough to take the steps that it takes.
Every single day after day to confront this big, giant [00:06:00] challenge. The longer someone is able to maintain sobriety or abstinence, the more they're able to look clearly at their behaviors, their own shame and their own guilt. So even if. For someone who's maybe in the early recovery process, who's already taking action steps to change.
Maybe they've been sober for 3 months or 4 months or something like that. You still want to be careful about. Not triggering over shame because what will happen is if they feel like you're trying to guilt them, or maybe you're the loved one and you're trying to get your amends, or you're trying to get them to recognize how it's impacted you, which is a valid feeling.
I totally get that. But if you're, if they feel like you're trying to guilt them into giving you that apology or acknowledging you, what they'll automatically do is move back into defensiveness. They'll literally start to defend their actions. They'll literally start to tell you why you were part of the problem or why it wasn't that bad or why you're overreacting.
And that is pretty much the opposite of what you're [00:07:00] trying to get out of that person in that moment, right? You're wanting some acknowledgement. The best way to get acknowledgement is to help someone feel safe enough to look at these big, ugly, oftentimes difficult truths or memories about their actions or their behaviors.
Once people can feel safe enough to look at these and If they can feel even safe enough to talk about them out loud, that can be extremely therapeutic Because the talking about it out loud in a safe environment actually allows for the healing of that shame and guilt That's why you see that part built into Almost every type of recovery program.
There's a lot of different types of recovery programs out there say it's like different forms of religion And all the different ways of getting sober, everyone thinks that their way is right but All the ways are good, but almost all of them have some kind of pathway for addressing this shame and guilt.
Even in the 12 steps, there are. Multiple steps dedicated to [00:08:00] addressing shame, guilt, remorse, resentment, some of these negative emotions that keep people trapped and the talking about it out loud is so therapeutic. It's funny because when I noticed that when I've seen. People for a good enough amount of time that, like we're comfortable.
We're used to each other, whether it's the addictive person or family member person, oftentimes they'll come into session and literally the first thing they'll say to me will be some sort of confession. And it's almost funny to watch. You'll see them come in. I have let's look on their face.
They'll pop down the couch and you'll hear like this, or or this I'm not looking at you in the eyes thing. And I'm like, dude, what is up? And they'll like, confess, get his family or okay, I lost it. I said all those things to my husband that you told me not to or whatever. Or the person will say, okay, I hung out with that person that you and I talked about wouldn't be good, or I relapsed or whatever it is.
And. It's funny to watch it happen because you can just feel it in the room and immediately after they say it and I'm like, and then sometimes we laugh about it. Sometimes we process it, but we get it out there. We [00:09:00] throw it on the table and we look at it honestly, but we do it in a way that doesn't make it the end of the world.
You can feel their whole energy lift, their whole spirit changes and it's like they can move past it. Sometimes if you're the family member. Maybe unconsciously, maybe you're not even aware of this, but it's like we want them to continue to feel this pain because we think that's the only way that they're going to really commit to change.
It's the only way that they're going to remember that they're a drug addict, they're alcoholic, they're a gambling addict, and they might go back to it if they forget it. It's not about forgetting it, but trying to make that pain so intense, it's I'm telling you is very counterproductive. We need to feel shame and guilt.
We need enough of it to get honest with ourself. We need enough of it to say, Hey, you don't like yourself when you act that way. You don't feel good about that. Let's change that behavior. Let's make sure that doesn't happen again. Beyond that, [00:10:00] ruminating on it, fixating on it cripples us. The difference in guilt and shame is, Guilt is basically, or shame is basically like guilt that is overgeneralized and transformed into your sense of self.
So guilt is I did something wrong and shame is I am bad. So guilt is I've done something bad, shame is I am bad. So when we. Overgeneralize our guilt and we start to see ourselves as a bad human being, as opposed to, I did a bad thing, I did a thing I regret, I shouldn't have done that, or yes, I'm a person, a human person that's capable of bad decisions and hurting other people around me, which is true for all of us.
To be, to put it out there. When we translate that into, I'm a terrible, horrible person, instead of I did a bad thing, that's really counterproductive. What we want to do with shame is we want to actually take that shame and transfer it back into guilt because guilt is healing.
Guilt is shame that's in a level [00:11:00] that's, At the right amount to produce productive change. So when people come in and they feel really shameful, it's not that I want to remove it completely and make them feel not guilty. It's you want to take that shame and move it into the appropriate category, which is okay, you did something.
That you regret, right? You did something that's not consistent with who you are. And there, once we get into that level, there is an ability to acknowledge it. And I think that's why it's so easy for a lot of my clients to come in and say, Oh, I did this and that and the other. Like when I first see people, a lot of times they're not people.
100 percent honest with me. In fact, I don't really even expect them to be 100 percent honest with me. In fact, I don't even ask them a lot of questions to give them a chance to give me a lot of lies that I know they're going to lie to me about. What I try to do is I try to create that safe environment that when they do tell me a little bitty thing, that I don't turn it into a big thing that I don't freak out and what over the course of time that does is it trains people that, Hey, it's a safe place to say I messed up or I'm thinking about messing up, or I'm [00:12:00] not I lost my cool and I said something to my kid.
I wish I would have said, whatever it is, it becomes a safe place. And the being able to talk about it out loud is so healing. And it actually, when people can talk about it out loud, it raises the chances that they're going to do something about it. It raises the chances that they're going to be productive and take action on it when they're keeping it inside and they're keeping it a secret.
That's where addiction lives. It's been a long time since I said this on a video, but if you've been following me a long time, you've probably heard me say that addiction lives in secrecy and darkness. Those are like the weather conditions that make it possible. that make addiction have the ability to thrive.
Once you turn the light on it, once you take the secrecy and the shame and the darkness off the top of it, those are not conditions that addiction can live in. It's almost putting something in the refrigerator so that bacteria can't grow or into the oven so that bacteria can't grow. There are certain conditions that won't [00:13:00] allow addiction to live in, and those conditions are being above board, being in the lightness, but when you take Have that guilt, that darkness, that I'm keeping secrets.
I'm holding this thing on the inside. It just festers and it grows. And as it grows, we want to numb that terrible feeling, Even if you just stop for a second and think about something that maybe you're embarrassed about in the past, I would say embarrassment is probably like the lowest level of shame.
Just think for a second about something you're embarrassed about. How squirmy are you getting inside? Don't worry. I'm not gonna make you say it. Just think about it because I want you to connect to what that feeling is right? These embarrassing things, it's you don't want to tell anybody about them.
Because super embarrassing, even saying it out loud makes you want to relive it or makes you actually relive it. And that's really uncomfortable. So I even saw before we started the video that some of you guys had even put in chat some questions and one of the questions or I don't know if it's a question or a statement, but somebody was saying like I know they feel shameful, but they won't admit it.
I want you to stop and think. There [00:14:00] is something in your life that you feel embarrassed about or shameful about that you don't want to talk about, and that you'll do like almost anything to avoid the topic because of how uncomfortable it is.
So just because someone won't admit something out loud to you, or they won't show you that shame doesn't mean That they don't feel it. In fact, if you see people be very defensive around things, that they'll just do anything to avoid it, and they're super squirmy and they try to turn it on you every time, that's a pretty good indicator that they do feel shameful about.
Because if they didn't feel shameful about it, they don't care. Who knows? So if your loved one seems to be hiding from it and won't acknowledge it and won't admit it and they turn it on you and they do all those things, that's how you know it's in there. So don't expect for necessarily for people to admit it out loud and just be honest with yourself.
Look inside yourself and think about all the things that you don't want to talk about and you don't want to admit. I know I got like a list of things in their topics that I want to avoid because it makes me feel squirmy and uncomfortable. But then you think about past circumstances where maybe you have talked about it.
Maybe to like a [00:15:00] best friend, maybe to a counselor, maybe to someone like that, and how much better you feel after it. It's like this giant burden is lifted, right? Whether you're trying to help yourself or you're trying to help a loved one, the goal is to create some safety. The goal is to look at it hard enough to acknowledge That you don't like that aspect of who you are and that you don't want it to repeat.
And then after that, we have to figure out how to forgive ourselves. We have to figure out how to move on. This continual beat yourself up, remind yourself, tell yourself what a terrible person you are, that can become habit, especially if that's like your inner dialogue. When we have repeated thoughts, it literally becomes our habit.
And the big problem with that is we believe what we tell ourselves. So if you're telling yourself that you're a piece of crap, that you're a horrible person, that you're not worthy, that you're not as good as other people, that you never consistently make the right decisions, that you always mess things up, you keep saying that to yourself and your brain and your body believes it, [00:16:00] which will subconsciously sabotage you.
So it's extremely important. To be very mindful about how much shame you're putting on yourself. Shame you're putting on other people because move that shame into guilt, acknowledge it and move the heck on from it. If you want to get better and you want to be a better person, you're going to get good at this.
And if you're trying to help somebody be better or be a better person, then get good at helping them to look at uncomfortable things in a very safe way. One of the ways it works in 12 steps is people go to their sponsors, There's a whole process for this, but essentially they make a list of all the wrongdoings, right?
And then they admit it to their higher power. And then they take that list and they admit it to their sponsor usually. And what their sponsor does usually is they say, Oh yeah, you think that's bad? Let me tell you what I did. And then they tell them what they did. And they're like, Oh, that's really bad.
And then everybody feels better. That's the whole healing process. Wow, I'm not the only human that's done that bad thing. Whatever bad thing you've done, I promise you there's someone else that's out there [00:17:00] that's done that thing and worse. Everybody's walking around with these pieces of shame and guilt inside that they feel like if other people knew, they would think I'm the worst human ever.
And so once we can release that and we can relate to someone else and we can feel like, Oh my gosh, maybe I'm not the worst human ever. Maybe someone else has done that too. And they're better and I can get better. Then there's a hope that comes into play. And that's when the healing can happen. All right, Brie. What do we got? Do we have some good ones out there today? Phil says, my wife has discovered I'm watching this channel. She passive aggressively brought it up to me when she was drunk.
Kim and Campbell gave me some helpful advice. Should I delete it from my YouTube history and shared devices? Now, I think if you're, if your loved one has already seen it, I think it's, It needs to be above board. It's just like their stuff needs to be above board. Your stuff needs to be above board.
You don't need to tell them every negative thoughts you have, but you can say, yeah, you know what? You're right. Because I'm watching that channel because I realized that I haven't handled this very [00:18:00] well, that I've done some things and said some things that I realized have made some things worse. So I'm watching it so I can be better, a better to you.
So once you can frame it in that way, they might see it as a really good thing. I recently had one of my new clients who was saying that she was like sharing my videos with a lot of her support people or friends that are also in early recovery. And she was saying, Hey, you gotta get your family members to watch this channel.
And so her people in early recovery were like, they wanted to see the videos because they were like, how can I get my husband to watch that? How can I get my wife to watch that? Because once they realize that it's actually helping you to be helpful. They're all about it. They'll be like, you should, did you see Amber's newest video?
You should watch that because you realize you're doing something wrong. Like they get all about it. Once they realize what's really happening.
Ivan and Lydia says what would you say that admitting shame is a form of change talk? Great question. And the answer is yes, a hundred percent. I would call that big change talk, right? Not just saying I need to cut it back, but saying something like, I feel really [00:19:00] horrible about what I did. I'm super shameful.
That's and that, like I said, that's like that admitting that shame out loud is a huge indicator and piece of change talk, and it's an indicator that someone really is seriously does not want to be that way anymore. So that, man, that would be like, those of you who are in an invisible intervention and you do that scorekeeping thing, that'd be massive points right there.
Martha K says. I just called my 38 year old daughter an hour ago to let her know that I know she lied to me about losing her job. One of so many over the last 20 years have I ruined things. I have not wanted to lose connection with her no matter what. How should I move forward after shaming her by letting her know that I know she lied?
We have tried to be a safe place. This is a really great question and super on point, Martha. And I have a lot of videos about whether or not you should call it people's lives, and it's not so much that you should never call them out. Sometimes you, sometimes it's very necessary to call them out. The way you call them out can be [00:20:00] very helpful.
So I don't know how you went about doing it, but you obviously watch these channel and you're obviously trying to create a safe place for her. So my guess is that you did it in a pretty helpful way to say, Hey, I just want you to know that I know this. So you're saying that you know it, but you're not saying it in a In such a way that's like super condemning.
I do think that it can be helpful. Like sometimes people are like relapsed for weeks and they're just never admitting it. And sometimes eventually you have to say look, I know you've been drinking. But you can do that in a way that sort of triggers the lie to come to the surface, but not in such a heavy, harsh amount that causes the person to be defensive.
And even if they are defensive initially, if you do it in the right way, a lot of times they will take that seed of information in and they'll, Calm down and then respond differently. So I don't know that it was necessarily a terrible thing to, to call that out, Martha, I guess is what I'm saying.
If you did it in a way that you felt was too harsh and you go back and you say, you know what, I was really harsh about how I did that and I should have been, you can just apologize and acknowledge it. And then move forward. Michelle says, my son moved back in with me. He's [00:21:00] on sublocate. However, since he's moved back from Florida, he is very mean to me.
My youngest thinks it's because I know almost everything he's done. Is that guilt, shame, or just anger towards me? I would say it's all of the above. What happens is that they project their feelings of shame onto you. It's like their way of medicating their own shame is to focus on being mad at you and everything you've done.
It's a way of distracting themselves from feeling guilty. And I agree with your other son in that looking at you reminds them of how they've failed or how they've lied or how they've not lived up to what they thought and how they've hurt you maybe. So a lot of times that anger does get taken out onto that most closest loved one, which is usually the spouse or the parent.
And yeah, it's shame and guilt and they're distracting themselves by being mad at you because it's so uncomfortable. They don't want to deal with their own uncomfortable emotions.
Marco says, how can you bring How can you bring people to get rid of [00:22:00] shame? For example, I was a long time addict to porn films. When you forget about shame, it's practically only an issue that steals your time for useful things. Okay, let me read that back again. I agree with what you're saying, Marco, is like actually in some ways, I think, especially with something like a pornography issue, which is has even more shame than other addiction issues, right?
There's more shame associated with any kind of sex or pornography addiction than there is with drinking and drugs and that kind of thing. Sometimes people are already shameful about it. I promise you it's in there. They may or may not admit it, but sometimes what I do is purposefully, I just focus on what you're saying, Marco, which is, you know what, this is stealing too much of your time because it puts it in a way that someone's able to see the negative impact of it in a way that doesn't feel too heavy to talk about.
And they're like, yeah, you know what, you're right. And it's easier to talk about that part of it. And a lot of times then they can make the changes just based on that part of it. Okay. And then eventually when [00:23:00] they feel safe enough, they can go back and talk about the shame. But I think exactly what you're saying here, Marco, is focus on the other pieces of it.
If those are the easier pieces to talk about it. Or, you can use words. That maybe pull the shame to the surface a little bit, but not too much. Like just saying yeah, no, it is it's embarrassing. Like the tone and the way that you talk about it makes it more okay.
A lot of times I use humor. Sometimes even on the videos, people get offended because I use a lot of humor and they're like, this is a serious topic. I'm like, I know it's a serious topic, but sometimes using humor makes it safe to talk about. It makes it feel like, okay, I'm talking about these topics.
Big, terrible things that I feel terrible about, but in a way that is not so emotionally distressing that I can't handle it. It's it. There's ways of bringing it to the surface in light ways that make it okay.
Married A Long Time says, had another episode. I reacted as well. He's attempting to cut down again. What should I say when he says he's ashamed? What can I say [00:24:00] to make him believe that it is okay? The fact that he's saying that he's ashamed says that you've done a very great job of making it a safe environment.
And if someone is saying they're ashamed, you don't have to say, no, it's okay. What you can say is, okay, you know what, we made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world and you're getting right back on track. So you acknowledge the thing, you're not trying to excuse it, you're not trying to say it's totally fine, but you're saying it's not the end of the world.
So you're saying, it's not the world. We got this. You're doing good for 30 days. You had one mess up, we're back on track, and that makes it tolerable. I think
Sandra says, can you say something about sex addiction? I guess it must be loaded with shame even more than other addictions for the spouse as much as the addict or how do you see that? Yes. 1 million percent agree with you, Sandra. It is loaded with shame on both sides. And that. The shame of sex addiction is probably the most complicating factor as far as treating [00:25:00] it, the shame on both sides.
It's really hard for people to admit and talk about it out loud. And then the shame that the family member has keeps them so reactive, so distraught and like raw and just, it just, it impacts your self esteem as the spouse. In a way that other addictions don't like you maybe take that your husband's drinking or whatever, or he's cocaine or doing whatever, but it feels very personal and that can cause family members to be so reactive that it's hard to treat people that have this addiction because.
Everybody is on fire emotionally. So I completely, a million percent agree with you here, Sandra. Sometimes people say what's the worst addiction and I'll say sex addiction because of the shame. Cindy says, how do you get past grief over how you've messed up in the past? I'm learning things here.
That made me think, Oh, wow, I really messed up there. Or some of my reactions years ago, I think admitting them out loud and talking about it, [00:26:00] I'm out loud helps to heal them just like you're doing right now. Just like watching these videos and hearing other people admit them. That's what's going to heal you when you can say it out loud, or you hear other people talking about doing the same thing, you can say, you know what?
I did the best I could at the time. I wish I wouldn't handle that way. But honestly, I didn't know any different or didn't have the skills or I was so dysregulated. So admit it to someone, or even if you're at the point, admit it to the person that you feel like you overreacted to say, you know what? I really shouldn't have ended it that way.
When you say that, you're not saying I was wrong and you were right. You're saying I realized I was upset, but I probably shouldn't have said those nasty things or whatever happened. Admit it out loud. That's the healing factor. I think.
Tara says, question. My husband came to me a month ago and said he didn't want to use drugs anymore. He was clean for two weeks, then relapsed for a day and then clean for about four weeks and now relapsed again. Normal? Question mark. Yes, normal. Sobriety and recovery is a learning process. And just because someone has elapsed doesn't mean they don't [00:27:00] mean it.
It doesn't mean they're not trying. In fact, if someone comes to you and says, I don't want to use drugs anymore, that's a big indicator that they mean it because when they're saying that out loud to you, they've been thinking about it for a long time. It means that they've tried to stop on their own a long time.
And the reason they're admitting it to you is because they know they need the accountability. And I have some videos on this channel about how to handle it if someone relapses. And what you want to do is damage control that for them. Hey, dude, it's been two weeks and you've, if you've used two days out of two weeks, that's 10 sober days.
Dude, that's 10 times better than we were a month ago, right? And so you want to encourage someone. If we beat them down too much, the chances are, they're just going to run back in there and hide. They're going to go back into denial. They're going to start defending their behavior.
PR Health says, if shame has been such a big part of my identity, how can I adapt to a more productive identity that allows me to be responsible for the harms I made without getting to the point of hating myself? When you say [00:28:00] things like that, it makes me think that you've had this negative inner talk for so long that it's become habit and so it's almost like you automatically fall back into that negative self talk and so when you catch yourself doing it just be aware and say, Hey, I hear you negative thought.
I appreciate you. There's some truth in that. Thank you. Now you're excused. It's silly. It's like this whole conversation you're having in your head, but you're just acknowledging it. You're saying, yeah. Okay. Noted. You ever had someone respond to an email by saying noted? Say that to yourself. Noted.
It's okay, got the message. Moving on. I got it. That's all I need. Moving on. So if you can break the habit of doing that, when you find yourself going down this rabbit hole of beating yourself up, try to put the brakes on that, say, Hey, okay, time served. Let's is there something I can do to make myself feel better about that?
If so, do it. If not, the beating yourself up thing is not helpful. Debbie says, is it better to convince in counseling, a meeting session or to a close loved one or a spouse, wherever safe [00:29:00] any, and all of those places is great. In fact, sometimes you want to confess it like four or five times. Cause every time you do it, it feels a little better.
The only time I don't suggest you do it is if you know that if I confess it, someone's likely to try to make me feel worse about it. And unfortunately there are some meetings or groups or situations that could happen or sponsors that could do that. You just have to know your audience.
And so if you know that they're going to try to make you feel 10 times worse about it, that's probably not the best place to do it. Other than that. Any and all the places are great. Even going online and anonymously confessing can be helpful. Like on Reddit or something that can even be helpful.
Stephanie says my aunt just got medications for liver failure and isn't taking them. Family is trying to get her to the hospital to get her meds and treatment. She's been holed up in her house for over a year and sickly. What can we do? When someone is to that point, Stephanie, usually what's happened, it's not so much that they're in denial.
It's more that they're giving [00:30:00] up. A lot of times people get to the point where they're just like, they almost accept it as their fate. People can get in late stage addictions, be like passively suicidal, where they're not necessarily trying to kill themselves, but they feel like maybe if I didn't wake up.
That'd be for the best. It's almost there's this hopelessness. Sometimes when you get someone to that hopelessness point the first line of defense I think is to try to damage control it, to try to do some of these things that we're saying by saying, look, it's not in the world to make it, to instill some hope.
If that doesn't work, then you may have to take some more extreme situations like old school intervention or something like that. Those aren't usually my primary preference for how to intervene with someone. But when someone is like. Knock it on death's door. When someone is to the point that they've totally given up, then sometimes you have to do what you have to do to see if you can bust through that wall.
Lotus says, question, will there be any advice on dating and alcoholism? In dating, you are not in a committed relationship, so I'm [00:31:00] wondering how to deal with that, when to stay and when to leave. I think what you're asking here Is what if I've just started dating someone who's an alcoholic? This is going to sound really terrible.
Okay. This is my confession. I'm confessing right now. It's going to sound terrible. Okay. If you're just dating and you're not so far in that you can't get out, I'd probably get out. And I know that sounds terrible because I'm on here to help people, but it's a long, hard road. Don't be naive. Don't. If you're going to undertake this challenge, then you better be super honest with yourself about what you're thinking.
Last night with my husband, I was watching one of my true crime videos, Another Confession. I'm always watching them. And it was like, it was the one that's called I think it's on HBO Max or something, it's called Who the Bleep Did I Marry? And this person, it's like a documentary kind of thing. And this person was talking about, I was dating this guy and I noticed he was drinking too much and I confronted him about it.
And I said, Hey, if you're going to be with me, you can't drink. And then he stopped drinking. And I was like, wow, you really love me. And I was like, Oh, I literally said I love [00:32:00] him. I was like, Oh, that's a mistake. Sometimes people in an early relationship, if you confront them, because they're like in that infatuation phase, they have all that dopamine going.
They'll stop for a short period of time because it's almost They have a new addictive brain chemical, the infatuation of the new relationship. But usually almost always it will come back. So if you're not that far in and you can back out, you might want to do it. But if you're asking me that question, you're probably already so far in emotionally, you're probably already in.
Amber says, what's the best way to help your loved one through the shame and guilt that they acknowledge weighs them down and keeps them in a cycle. It's painful to watch when I try to be supportive. So this is a good question and what it reminds me of, Amber, is sometimes people will, probably not consciously, but probably unconsciously, keep beating themselves up about things as a way to not have to be responsible for things.
It's almost a way of re victimizing themselves. So you have to figure out what's really happening here. Am I just [00:33:00] saying I'm such a terrible person and I'm just the worst addict ever and I'm just horrible? Sometimes if they stay super stuck in it, then I might get confronted if I have a decent relationship and say, Hey, no, I'm tired of hearing that.
I think you're just letting yourself off the hook with that. I don't know if that's what's going on. But for some reason, when I read that, it just prompted me to think about that. Sometimes people will like keep themselves there. So if it's that kind of situation, I might. Not super mean or horrible, but I might directly say, hey, that's enough of that beating yourself up moving on, right?
And sometimes it helps people to hear that. Apoxie Lady says, what is your best advice to help my almost 20 year old get back on track after untreated opioid addiction? For example, helping her get over the anxiety, shame, and back on track, basically. I'm a little bit confused when you say untreated opioid addiction.
Does that mean the person is still actively using? Or does that mean that they stopped using but they just sort of stopped cold turkey or something and [00:34:00] when you're saying untreated you're meaning like They're dealing with it, but they didn't go to treatment. I don't know exactly which one you mean, but if they're still actively Using you're not Going to be able to effectively help them with their anxiety until they stop using.
So sometimes what you have to do is you have to what we've been talking a little bit about is help them be able to look at these things they feel bad about, acknowledge them, but you're I don't want to say you're minimizing it, but you're making it seem like not the end of the world.
The more scary you make things, the less likely someone's going to take the step. So what you want to do is reduce the scare factor down. So not actively using, but quit. Okay, good. Just the quitting is going to help a lot with that treatment three times. So just the fact that they quit using, they're going to start to feel better and better.
What I would do is I would just say, Hey what's. What's one thing you could do that you'd be proud of? I could just be making up your bed. I could be answering the five emails you've been ignoring or whatever. And you're, those little small things create more serotonin, which helps to fight the anxiety [00:35:00] and helps them to feel like a better and better person.
Becoming a better person is actually just as effective as more effective, maybe even then like digging down in the dirt and like trying to uncover traumatizing memories. It actually builds your self confidence, and sometimes you get enough self confidence that then you can then look at some of the more difficult things.
Help her to find little small things that she's proud of herself about.
Farrell, I hope I'm saying that right, says, Thank you, Amber, and good luck. My 24 year old son has been using marijuana off and on for seven years. Complacency was my failure as a mom. He was so kind most of the time, but when I don't ask any questions, everything is okay. What to do if he's always nice.
I want him to come out of denial. Okay. First of all, I want to say, This is a, this right here is an example of confession. Complacency was my failure as a mom. Like this is you saying something that [00:36:00] you feel bad about. So first of all, congrats and thanks for being a role model. And but what you're saying is because your son is pleasant and as long as you're not pushing or bringing things up, everything's okay.
What I would say about that is like most of the time when we think about addicts and alcoholics, we think about people that are aggressive or angry or lying or manipulative and they have all these negative qualities. And so it's easier to get angry at them, and it's easier to want to bring it up, but sometimes.
Nice and pleasant and mannerly and considerate. That's also can be an addictive mask, right? Just like some people learn to be angry as a way to teach you not to bring things up. Other people can learn to be like super pleasant and super mannerly and like apologetic and they can seem super humble or friendly or charismatic or whatever, but that can also be an addictive phase.
You can learn to bring things up without it feeling necessarily hostile. And the way you do that is to control [00:37:00] your tone, to control the frequency at which you bring it up, and the heat that you put on it when you bring it up. So you can learn to bring it up in what I call like little drive bys.
Hey, I know this is still a, this is still a thing. You're still great. You're still better than most, like 80 percent of sons out there. But I'm worried about you. Like I'm afraid of this holding back and you bringing it up, you're acknowledging it, but you're doing it in a way that doesn't feel like a, we need to have a talk.
You're destroying your life. If you come at it too heavy, it makes people want to. pull away and not talk about it. Thank you for the super sticker, Debbie. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. All right. We are coming to the end of our time for today. You guys had really great questions. I feel like every single week you guys are getting smarter and more insightful.
Y'all keeping me on my toes, making me have to get. Smarter and learn more because you guys are like advanced these days. Thank you for showing up If you're watching on the replay, we appreciate you being here. Feel free to jump into the conversation I read every single comment that gets posted and I will see everybody [00:38:00] next thursday on the live and as always There are more resources in the description.
Bye everybody
