Surviving the Holidays During Difficult Times
===
[00:00:00] If you're going into the holiday season, or I guess we're coming near the end of the season of holidays, but if you're going into these last holidays, during a time where you feel like you're going through a very difficult stage or phase or season of life, it's extra hard. Holidays are exciting.
Yes, but they also bring an amount of stress, even to people who. Love the holidays and who are excited about the holidays. It is still a lot of stress and that stress comes from the increased Expectations, like I said, even if it's something we're looking forward to there's still a lot of expectations That we place on ourselves that we feel other people are placing on us And when you're going through a particularly difficult time where you feel Lonely or stressed or maybe you're early in recovery or maybe you're just uncomfortable about something that's happening What happens is we feel extra lonely.
And I think that loneliness comes from, even if we're around a lot of people, even if we [00:01:00] have a ton of people, to be around family, friends, all that kind of stuff, when you're struggling inside, it's very difficult to feel connected to those people. So even if physically those people around you, you feel, Isolated.
You feel some sense of disconnect. Yes, you can go through the motions. Everything can look great on the outside. You can eat the food. You can give the presents. You can, have the sweaters. But deep down inside you feel like it's, it feels more like an act and you feel very separate on the inside and If you're dealing with any kind of mental health problem, or recent grief, or maybe you are in early recovery, or you're struggling with an addiction, most of the time we're holding this sadness on the inside, and we don't want to, Be the buzzkill.
We don't want to bring everyone else down. We don't want to bring our own sadness and difficulty into the holidays oftentimes. So we're just keeping it in, making us feel even more isolated and disconnected. [00:02:00] So I want to talk a little bit about how to overcome some of this feeling of disconnected. How do I survive these holidays events that I have to go through, maybe even that you have to host or you have to put on?
And not just survive it, but get through it without it being absolute misery or feeling like you're just only pretending. I'm going to give you, I've got a couple of pieces of advice for you. And then also Campbell I was like, she jumped right on here right before we went live and gave us Campbell's little piece of advice, which were different.
And I think you're going to enjoy those. So we'll give you those as well. Before we get into what to do about it, I'd love to know if any of you feel like. This is you. Are you struggling with this? Are you going to go into these next week or two Feeling like yes, I have to do it. Maybe even a sense of dread inside or a feeling of disconnection Even though maybe you do have a lot of family maybe you don't have a lot of family to be around and you feel lonely for that reason, but [00:03:00] Loneliness doesn't just come from not having people around or not having enough family.
It comes from feeling a feeling of disconnection. So you can have tons of friends and tons of family and feel very lonely on the inside. If you feel like any of this is impacting you this holiday season pull a hand up emoji in the chat or in the comments. And give us a question. Tell us what you're going through.
If you're watching live and you do that, then maybe we can offer you a little support or advice or just even encouragement. I feel like one of the things that you can do to help yourself overcome this, and this is a basic one, but don't worry I'm going to give you some Other ones is just to get some movement in and I'm using the word movement specifically as opposed to using the word exercise, which everyone says exercise cures for everything, which it does, but just movement, even if it's just a walk around the block, is probably the fastest, quickest way to shift your mood.
Just to, I call it take a lap. Sometimes when I'm stressed or I'm going through something, I'll tell my husband, I'll say, I'm going to take a lap. I'm going [00:04:00] outside, I'm going to take a lap around the neighborhood. And it completely shifts my mood and it works because it changes your brain chemicals almost immediately.
And if you're able to even have that movement outside, there's a shift in brain chemicals related to just being in nature that is helping you. It's just the fresh air. It's the trees, it's everything. And the movement, it combines to give us a shift in our brain chemistry. The other thing that I think that you can do to help create some feeling of connection to combat that loneliness and isolation is to, instead of, in holiday season, there's all this gift giving and people bringing food and treats and snacks and everybody's doing all these nice things for each other, which is wonderful.
And we're plenty accustomed to saying, Oh my gosh, thank you for this gift. Thank you for these nice treats. They're so great. Which is a great thing to do. That is expressing gratitude, but I want to offer you a little suggestion about saying thank you or expressing gratitude that might actually just go a little deeper, not only [00:05:00] to brighten that other person's day, but to brighten your day and if you have people that you're going to be seeing in these next week or so, and maybe you don't see them very often, maybe even think ahead of time, Some kind of expression of gratitude that you'd like to say to them.
So that when you get a chance, maybe if you get a little moment alone or something like that, you can have this conversation with them. More than just thank you for the gift. Thank you for the cookies or whatever. I want you to say something, you always make me feel fill in the blank. Want to say thank you for this thing that you did, or this way that you were there for me in this certain period or time of my life.
It's a much sort of deeper level expression of gratitude. And like I said, not only is it going to, Brighten their day, but it's going to actually shift your brain chemistry Because what it does is it makes you it forces you to start thinking about something that you're appreciative of that. You're hopeful about it's it brings in a positive good memory [00:06:00] and when you're having positive good thoughts, it changes your brain chemistry this isn't just woohoo.
Nice counselor y type things. There's a lot of science behind why these things are so effective and why they work. Think ahead. Even now, if you're already, as I'm saying this, you're coming to you like, Oh yeah, I want to say to this person how I appreciated that that they did this, or they were there for me in a certain way, or that they always Bring cheerfulness or whatever, but it's more than just this specific right now thing.
It's like something that's happened that's bigger than that. It's going to create that little heart shift, the Grinch movie, right? Your heart will grow two sizes. When we're in this loneliness state, we tend to feel like we need something more. And we get very sort of self focused. And I don't mean that in a judgy way, but we do fall into this self pity.
This woe is me. And we're pulling our own selves back from the people around us that care about us, [00:07:00] that would be there to support us. Some of that isolation is self imposed, even if we don't even realize that we're doing that. The best way to combat that is to get a little bit more externally focused.
If nothing else, just view these maybe celebrations or events that you have to go to as a distraction and give yourself permission to press pause on whatever these thoughts and stresses and these other things that are creating this feeling of disconnected loneliness. Give yourself permission to just press pause on it and shut the door on it.
Kind of If you've got a really messy room in your house And you're just like I'm, just going to shut the door on this. I will deal with this I'm, not ignoring it But i'm going to shut the door on this and give myself permission to try to be present and focused and in the moment because You need a break from that sadness or grief or stress that you're dealing with.
It's okay to shut the door on it It doesn't mean you're not dealing with it. It means you're taking a break from dealing with it. And you just want to [00:08:00] be present. Getting out of yourself, out of your own head, and even just engaged or disconnected, or focus on someone else, focus on helping someone else to make sure that they have a great time.
It is going to take you out of your own head. Self pity, self involved loneliness, sadness, and grief. It works almost immediately. These are very quick, very easy, very natural things that we can do to get through this. Now, some of us deal with this stress, By drinking or consuming other substances even those of us who are not necessarily that maybe you don't have an addiction.
Maybe you don't have an alcohol problem I'm talking about people in general people deal with these stresses by drinking especially other substances I want to encourage you Even if you don't have a substance abuse problem to think about whether you want to drink during this holiday season If you're struggling inside and you're down and you're depressed and you're stressed and you're [00:09:00] not doing good, what happens is when you drink, you take the filter off of all of that.
So you may think it's going to help give me a break from all that, but there's a strong likelihood that it could actually make you go further into that. Whereas when you're in your normal state of mind, you can keep the lid on it a little bit. When you pour the alcohol on top, You have less and less control over that because it slows down your front brain function that part of you that can then allow you to disconnect from that and do some of these other things And you're gonna go into the emotion, alcohol usually releases whatever it is that we're feeling at the time, right?
If we're happy if we truly are happy and we're celebrating and we're drinking we're probably going to release A good amount of that, we're going to connect more to that. But if we're sad, lonely, depressed, stressed, grieving, you're going to connect more to that. If you're not careful, you're going to end up being that sad drunk person, whether other people know it or not, you're just going to ruminate on these difficulties in your life.
So I want you to think. Long and hard about [00:10:00] whether or not you want to drink and if you're gonna drink how much you're gonna drink, Don't let yourself get to that point where you're actually unleashing some of this stuff that you're trying to keep The container lid on at least to some degree, right?
it's not helpful now after the fact what I hear a lot of people saying when they do this and they Unleash some of these things and they do it in a very unfiltered way. They have a lot of regret about it in order to like a defense mechanism against that regret, they'll say to themselves it was the truth or they needed to hear it.
Maybe there's a family member there that you don't like or whatever, and you drink and then you just unleash it and you say all the things that you've been holding in. You may feel the next day. I've been holding out and needs to be said, but it doesn't need to be said. when you're intoxicated because it's going to be said in a very unfiltered, unstrategic, unhealthy, unhelpful way, most likely.
So I just want you to think about How much or whether or not you're going to use substances and that doesn't even bring into the account the fact that most of you That are watching this channel either [00:11:00] have a substance use problem or have a loved one that has a substance use problem It's okay to have the holidays and leave that part out some of you watching this video Maybe one of your big stresses and your big feeling of loneliness comes from the fact that you're not going to be consuming Substances this holiday and other people are and you're going to be feeling very disconnected from very outside of the group.
Yes, you're present. Yes, you're engaged, but you may be feeling A little self conscious about the fact that you're not drinking or doing whatever everybody else always does.
You may be worried about whether or not people are going to ask you questions, about whether or not people are going to pressure you to drink, about whether or not you're going to, be triggered by any number of things. There's a million triggers that can come from these holidays, these family events, these gatherings and everything else that's going to go on.
If that's your situation, I encourage you to think about how you're going to handle those situations before you get in them. You might find yourself [00:12:00] backed into the corner. Maybe you have a relative, maybe they've been drinking and then they lose their boundaries a little bit and they start asking you intrusive questions or they start pushing you to use this substance.
And you probably know right now, as I'm saying, you probably know exactly which person's going to do it. I know you do. You know it's gonna be Uncle Jake or whatever, or Aunt Susie. You know exactly who it's gonna be. So go ahead and have a plan on how you're going to handle that.
Otherwise, you might end up getting really angry. You might want to leave. You might have a relapse over it. You might say some nasty things. But if you have a plan for what you're going to say, what you're going to reveal or not going to reveal, you're going to feel a lot more in control of the situation.
And sometimes it's just as simple as how am I going to come down a drink? What am I going to say is the reason why when everyone knows I always drink? The amount of anxiety people feel about what people are going to think about the fact that they don't drink anymore is actually, believe it or not, a lot of times, more than the anxiety that they feel, about [00:13:00] not drinking.
So it's not even the not drinking that's bothering them. It's what is everybody going to think about the fact that I'm not drinking? It's this insecurity, this sense of Feeling like everyone knows something, everyone's looking at you, or everyone's thinking this weird thing about you, it brings on a lot of stress.
And if you're in early recovery or maybe you're just not drinking because you're trying to support a loved one, it really is good to go into the situation with what you're going to do. I was talking to a client this week. It was a newer client and right when I'm getting started working with this client, we're going into the holidays, it's like week one and here we are like, we're like at the super bowl of challenges here.
And one of the things that we talked about was she was going to hold a drink in her hand that wasn't an alcoholic drink, but that, maybe had the appearance of being an alcoholic drink so that when people came by and they asked her about it, she could just say, Oh, yeah, I'm good. ~I don't, I'm good. Just have your cup in your hand.~
~I'm good. Yeah. ~I don't need anything, because so early in the game she's not ready to talk about it. And even if she was ready to talk about it, she doesn't want to tell everyone her business. It's not everyone else's business. There are some people that [00:14:00] you're close enough to talk about those things with but not everybody, and so sometimes you just want to sidestep the situation. And it is also okay to not go, or to go very briefly. It's okay to skip it and to get out of it. And if you know you need to do that because it's going to either emotionally throw you into a tailspin, or possibly trigger you to relapse, then either get out of it, or skip it.
Say you're gonna go but make up a reason why you can't stay long or you gotta leave maybe you're gonna go And you're gonna enjoy the presence or the food or something like that But you're gonna leave before the drinking gets really bad or before Uncle Jake gets obnoxious or whatever it is Make an exit plan and having a loved one with you I call it like a wingman having a wingman with you to help you do.
This is super helpful They can run interference someone who knows what's going on That you have a plan with or you can have a secret look or code word with to get [00:15:00] you out of there. Plan ahead for how you're going to deal with that stress. Just plan ahead of maybe someone you want to say something really nice or special to.
And also just realize that if you do open that channel by expressing some sort of gratitude or some sort of very nice, very genuine compliment to someone, they may open up to you more. And then once you're dealing with another person and they're sharing something with you, you start to feel that sense of connection.
And that really is the feeling that's going to combat the stress, the loneliness, even the cravings and the triggers and the chance of relapse. These things are super effective and they work. Let me add a few to the list. These are the ones that Campbell said. Campbell says, to do less. As in, maybe you feel like you're the one that always hosts, or you always have the best gifts, or you always have everything wrapped perfectly, or you always bring 25 things to the gathering, or whatever.
Let yourself off the hook. Do less. If you can't skip it, which I'm telling you, you can skip it, but if you [00:16:00] can't, if you absolutely have to, which I understand, there's sometimes it's like if you skipped it, it would really be like, Way more hassle and way more grief than it would be to go.
I totally get that. There are situations like that And you know that i've experienced in my life So sometimes you can't then just expect less you don't have to bring the most expensive gifts You don't have to bring the fanciest food. You don't have to have the best outfits. Let yourself wing this one.
Every single one of these holidays does not have to be perfect. Nominate someone else to be in charge of bringing that perfection if you need to. Campbell also says to take a break from it. Meaning instead of cooking all of the holiday food for everyone this year, maybe you go to the movies and watch the new movies.
That's a popular thing on Christmas, right? You go to the movies, there's usually a movie or two that gets released. It's a big movie people want to see. It's fun. It's just a fun thing to just leave the mess. The house may be a mess. There may be wrapping paper everywhere.
There may be food still left out on the counter. But Give [00:17:00] yourself a break go leave and go do something else another way to give yourself a break is to Downsize what you're going to do or if you can afford it pay for it Just pay for the food already cooked ask everyone to bring a dish These are ways you can take a break and lower these expectations that you're putting on yourself that are just going to add stress to your already feeling of Overwhelm and disconnection.
And then also, Along with that, Campbell's third thing is to give yourself a little grace. And it's by giving yourself a little grace that's going to allow you to do those first two things, right? Let yourself off the hook. You don't have to bring the party every year, every time. Let someone else do that.
In fact, ask someone else to do that. And they'll feel good about themselves, get yourself a wingman. Get yourself someone to step in. If you can't, just step all the way out and just do it. Totally not go to the event or not do the thing and skipping it completely isn't always the answer because sometimes it just makes us feel more lonely and isolated You're the only one that really [00:18:00] knows Whether it's going to be better for you to go or to not go but give yourself the grace And the wiggle room to make that decision And you don't have to explain to everybody why if you don't want to you know Maybe you tell one person or maybe you tell no people but Have a reason have an excuse if you want to get out of it or give yourself a break or at least just Not do nearly as much as you would normally do focus more on connection than Trying to bring this perfect holiday experience our expectations around this are just crazy We have these images in our head about the way things should go and the way things should look and how everyone Should be dressed and where everyone should sit and it's just too much and I love the holidays It's like my favorite mostly because I love the decorations That's what I like about it the most.
I like the lights and the ribbon and the wrapping paper, but it is still super stressful no matter if you're dreading them or you're looking forward to them. Your stress is probably up this week and going into next week [00:19:00] Brie, we're about to take some questions and some concerns. Here's from people I'd love to hear if there's any particular thing that you're concerned about stressing about this holiday season that you're worried about Coming in contact with and maybe we can brainstorm a little bit on how to alleviate a little of that oh, thank you donny for the super chat, aren't you sweet Donnie's my husband, you guys.
If you don't know, if you don't recognize that last name there. Thank you, Donnie. You're the best. As you get your questions and comments in there, I will tell you, as always, there are resources in the description. If you need to talk to somebody to really think through your situation, maybe you have a very specific, Situation and you're like I don't even know how to handle this or you're not sure maybe You have a loved one who has a substance abuse problem and you're really worried something bad's going to happen You need to think it through there is still time.
I think there's still time to get in and talk to someone shaking her head. Yes there's a few appointments still open if you need to talk to someone If you want to go ahead and get into recovery coaching for january or into our membership There's still time to do that.
All those [00:20:00] resources are in the description elizabeth says Oh Glasses got to come out here, Bri. Elizabeth says, I've gone to Al Anon in the past and they have you refer to the addicted person as your qualifier, which I don't like much. What do you recommend to refer to the person? I'm with you, Elizabeth.
It is, it's weird. I don't quite understand your qualifier like it, which is basically your addicted loved one. This way I understand it, maybe I'm wrong, Elizabeth, that qualifies you to be an al anon. I don't know. It is just a really, it's just a really weird thing to say. But it's also a mouthful to say, my addicted loved one.
And you may also really want to, for privacy reasons, you may be resisting saying, my drug addict son, my alcoholic wife, or whatever. You may be resisting saying that. I'm not sure. I don't know a better way to refer to it, but I do agree with you on it. It's just a weird. your qualifier.
I don't really understand where that comes from or why that is. What are [00:21:00] the rest of you say? Do you have another way of referring to this person that maybe keeps privacy, but also gets the point across. I struggle with this too, even just in titling these YouTube videos, you're addicted loved one.
You're, it's like a mouthful to say it otherwise. So it's almost like I wish there was a more direct way of saying it that wasn't offensive, but that got a point across. You guys give Elizabeth some advice on that.
Adrienne says, Question, What if the holidays is the first time you're seeing some family members that you have distanced yourself from because of past abuse? Ooh, that's a tough one. I think this is another really good situation where having a wingman might be good. One other person that's going to be there or that can go with you, that kind of knows a little about the situation and can run interference for you.
Because the last thing you want is to be trapped up by this person, to have to deal with this person. It's definitely not the time to address the issue with the person. Mostly, probably what you're thinking is you just want to like, [00:22:00] Minimize the interaction or just get through it. And if you can and you need to, give yourself permission to not go.
I understand though that sometimes there's, that's not always easy and sometimes it causes more grief to not go. So I'm not saying that's possible for you. But have a wingman, have a person to run interference, have an exit plan, a reason, an excuse. It's if you, Before you go on a first date, maybe you have your friend call you at a certain time in case you need to bail.
Have one of those kind of plans, okay, to get you, get yourself out of it if you need. But definitely don't try to use the time to actually deal with that because you're not going to have the privacy, the space. It's just going to be too much to have to face that or have a conversation about it.
Kim says, my addicted loved one has caused a huge drift in Family due to substance abuse. So where you're mostly not invited or he doesn't want to go to the family things tips to cope with that's really Unfortunate and it is really difficult because it's like now You your [00:23:00] whole family?
I don't know who else is involved in that It's like now, you guys are, it's just another consequence, another way that this person's addiction is impacting you. I get the impression what you're saying is your loved one maybe has caused a scene, or gets obnoxious, or does something out of bounds, and now because of that, you don't get invited to things.
I don't have the best piece of advice. I'm trying to think on that. If it is that your loved one doesn't want to go, and they're fine with you going, then go do it. And if you're scared that you can't leave them alone because you have to babysit them, and you leave and you go to the event, and they're not going to go, that they're going to do what they're going to do, then go do it.
If you're living like that and you're living like you can't go to things because you have to babysit this person in your life, you're doing it wrong. Watch some Amber videos, talk to Campbell, because your being there and babysitting isn't really keeping the lid on it, but what it's doing is it's keeping you miserable.
So give yourself permission to go be with others if that helps you, especially if you're extroverted and you like to be around others, [00:24:00] either to go to this family event and leave your loved one home. or to have maybe a friend situation or somewhere else that you decide to go. And it gives you, that's a one of these taking a break from the situations.
Anybody else got any advice for Wakam? Put it in the comments in the chats because I bet a lot of you have been there and you've dealt with this and you may have some even better advice than I have about it. Jen B said, my son died from alcohol poisoning. I have zero. to engage in life. Any tips? I think Jen, when you're having that severe grief, it's one of those situations where everybody probably maybe not everybody, but a lot of people may feel like they're helping you by saying, come on.
And they just want to rally you and they want to like, push you into doing things because they think that's helpful, but it's not always helpful, Jim, because, and I feel like this is exactly what you're saying because it feels like You have to put on the face, right? And you have to deal with the other people's grief [00:25:00] about it.
And you have to be there and show up. You have to basically put in this whole show and you're just not in the mood. And it's okay to take a break, to not go, or to go but only stay a very short period of time. And, I realize that a lot of people may be pushing you into staying longer and doing things because they think that they're helping keep you like cheered up or something.
But sometimes you're just not in the mood and you're not ready to be cheered up and you don't feel like you want to entertain people or you want to put on the brave face. I think it's okay to not do it. To let yourself off the hook. Maybe not forever, but you don't have to do all of it either, right?
Eliza says, question, my daughter owes me a few hundred bucks, so it puts a small cramp in my gift buying. Do I forgive it for Christmas instead of presents? Do I give presents and keep the agreed debt separate? Ooh, this is a good question. Dang. Is Campbell sitting right there? I feel like Campbell might have a better answer for this question.
I guess it's hard for me to say because the [00:26:00] thing that comes to my mind first is, do you think that your daughter is going to pay you back? Or do you know your daughter and you know the situation well enough that you know you're never going to get that money back? If you know that the likelihood that you're going to get that money back is like next to nothing, then maybe you want to forgive the debt, right?
Because if you go and you buy a bunch of other expensive gifts and then you still don't get paid back, you're going to have double resentment about it. So I think that is a perfectly okay thing to do if that's what you want to do. But I think a lot of it depends on whether or not you think that you will actually get that money back.
And a lot of times if it's an addictive person, they borrow money, they say I'll pay you back and a lot of times they don't. But it just depends. Each person is different and you know your daughter well enough to know whether or not you think she's gonna actually do it.
Married a long time says he got laid off after Thanksgiving he has shown humility and willingness to change, but he is home alone with the holidays. Finding a job is not [00:27:00] possible. What will keep him from nose diving? This is another really hard question. And I appreciate that you're so mindful and, aware of what it is going to be like for your loved one.
So I think. have an empathy for them and just saying, Hey, I totally get it. It's probably the only best thing that you can do and help them realize that they can't get a job right now because it's the holidays. Cause that's legit. That's really you're not businesses basically from like today forward are not going to be making decisions.
They're not going to be hiring people. They're not going to be doing anything, but maybe keeping it on just the bare minimum for the next week or so. And Maybe just let that person know that you get that they're going through something hard right now and that you know that they're going to need some time to get a job and that to maybe like Help take a little bit of pressure off of them and ask them What they want through the holidays, maybe they just want to be distracted.
Maybe they just want to keep it small Maybe they don't want to go to the holiday event because there's gonna be a lot of drinking or [00:28:00] maybe they do want to go and they don't want you to say anything to everybody because everyone knows about it is going to make them feel awkward than the trigger itself is going to be.
I would talk to them and ask them what you can do to help support them and just take a little bit of the expectations off.
Linda says, I gave a boundary to my son if he's not coming to celebrate with his brother and I and if he's doing substances. Now that I have done this, should I reach out to him again or let him approach me?
I think what you're saying, Linda, I could be wrong, but I think you're saying you set a boundary with your son that he basically not to come to the family thing if he's going to be using substances. And there's a lot of reasons why you may be doing that, especially if your son has a history of making a scene, showing out, causing an argument, whatever, when they're, using substances or, just some kind of dysregulation for the whole event. I totally get why you're doing that.
Yeah, I think it's okay to reach out to him and just say, Hey, I hope you're having, merry Christmas or whatever it is. I'm thinking about [00:29:00] you to keep that relationship open and it's plenty fine to do that and still keep the boundary in place to you can have a boundary and say, No, I'm really not okay with this, but I still care about you.
I still love you. It doesn't mean that, I'm not thinking about you. It just means that, we don't want to have an episode like we had last year or the year before or whatever. Yeah. All right, everybody.
I think we are coming to the end of our time together today. I am planning on doing our regular live next thursday. After christmas and the one after that, which I think is like the day after new year's day. So we will be on here next thursday. At least as far as I know right now, I'm wishing you guys Happy holidays.
And if you can't have happy holidays, have tolerable holidays and just survive it and get through it. And I'll see you on the other side of it. Thank you for those of you who showed up live. I know you got a lot going on. So the fact that you took the time out here to be with us means a lot to me. Again, there's resources in the description and I'll see you guys next week.
Bye everybody.
