AI Edits from Stop Falling for Empty Apologies_ Here’s What to Look For
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[00:00:00] Apologies without action are just noise. If you're tired of hearing, I'm sorry, on repeat without seeing real change, this video is definitely for you. We're gonna be breaking down how to spot an empty apology, what the real ones look like, how to respond in a way that actually initiates. Moving things forward, and we're also gonna be talking about if you are the person in the position where you feel like you've said, I'm sorry, a million times, and your family or your loved one just doesn't.
Seem to believe you, how to communicate your real, sincere, genuine feelings in a way that's more likely to get you hurt. So we are gonna be addressing both sides of this issue as usual. We're gonna be looking at it from the person receiving the apology, from the person giving the apology. ~For those of you who are new here.~
Welcome to put the shovel down. My name is [00:01:00] Amber Hollingsworth, and this YouTube channel is all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction from both perspectives, from the family member perspective, from the person struggling perspective, so that you can stay five steps ahead of it.
Today's topic applies to lots of situations, not just addiction, but of course is highly related to addiction. Because if you are in a family system struggling with an addiction, whichever side you're on, you probably have some familiarity with this concept of saying, I'm sorry. ~Maybe even meaning, I'm sorry, but continuing to.~
Fall back into the same old patterns over and over again. Let's take a look at what an empty apology is and what a genuine apology looks like, or maybe what you just call it a more effective apology looks like, because sometimes the empty apology, they might be genuine in the moment, but they're not very effective.
~They're not very effective too. Get your point across to your loved one, and ~they're [00:02:00] definitely not very effective for prompting and creating change. So I think we can do a little better. Let's take a look at those topics. If you see me looking over here, it's 'cause I got notes for you. Let's first start with the anatomy of what an empty apology looks like.
I know you've all heard it. I know you might can spot it when you see it, but let's talk about what's actually making it feel empty. First of all, it's usually simple and generic. Like a, I'm really sorry. Maybe even a little more specific. I'm sorry. I didn't show up to the family thing. I was supposed to, I'm sorry.
I drank again. I'm sorry I didn't answer. Your phone calls for five hours or whatever. Maybe it's a little bit more specific, but it still feels empty and a lot of times what's making it feel empty is because it doesn't have any real acknowledgement on how. Whatever mistake or [00:03:00] broken promise or regretful decision, whatever the, what thing was, how it impacted the other person.
We're gonna talk about that in just a second, a little bit more in depth about how acknowledgement is really key to an effective, heartfelt apology. An expression of regret. A big piece of that is acknowledging, not just acknowledging what you did. Which is important, but also acknowledging how that impacted the other person.
Another sign of an empty apology is that it's some kind of version of, I'm sorry, but, and then put a but on it and that, but is usually followed with some sort of excuse, but I was really stressed, but I couldn't help it because, but you did this or that or the other. ~But you make mistakes too. So it's a, it's.~
It's a way of blame shifting or if it's not blame shifting, it's a way of minimizing the regretful thing that happened. And even if maybe. What you're saying, if this is you and you're saying this, but, and you're adding, maybe this is [00:04:00] a valid thing that happened, even if it's valid, even if it's true, it's not gonna help your apology come across as effective because it's gonna feel like excuse making.
And the truth of it is when someone has let us down. The reason why they let us down doesn't necessarily overpower or overcome our disappointment in the situation. So it's honestly better to just leave that part off and replace that part with the acknowledgement. ~Don't worry, we're coming back to that and.~
The other sign, another big sign of an empty apology is when it's rushed and you can tell from the tone of it that it feels sincere. It's almost like ~you, ~you can tell that really what the person's doing is just trying to avoid conflict. They know. Maybe they know they messed up and maybe they really do regret their decision.
But what they're really trying to do is just rush through it and say, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to, I'm not gonna do it again. Whatever. And you can tell it's really just about bypassing the uncomfortable conversation more than it is about really looking at what [00:05:00] happened and why and how that impacted themselves, the other people in the situation and doing something different.
That's what an empty apology looks like. Let's move on to what a more effective apology might look like. As I mentioned before, it starts with acknowledgement. Like full acknowledgement of what happened. Maybe the situation is you didn't follow through on a promise. Maybe the situation is you acted in a way that you are regretful for whatever that is you wanna acknowledge, you wanna say.
I know that blank thing that happened and spell it out. Exactly. I drank too much. I didn't show up when I said I was gonna show up. I, if it's a financial thing, whatever it is, you wanna acknowledge it fully and then you wanna acknowledge, here's the really important part, how that impacted the other person.
If you get no other parts of this effective [00:06:00] apology thing, this one right here is the most important because what. People on ~the other side of the receive ~the receiving side of the apology really wanna know is they wanna know that you get it. You get that choice, behavior, whatever it was, negatively impacted the situation.
And they wanna know that you get in, that you understand in what way it did, how that affects everybody else, how that affects the whole dynamics of the relationship. And if you can say it and spell it out. It is gonna be a lot more believable. Now I know that it's uncomfortable, right? I know that it makes you feel squirmy and a lot of times we don't say these things, not because we don't get it or realize it or even mean it, but more because we're just, we're so uncomfortable with the conversation that we really do just want it to get over as fast as possible.
But when you do that, you're actually more likely to stretch this whole conversation out a lot longer because the person who's hearing it. Isn't really gonna be moved by [00:07:00] that expression of regret. And it's more likely gonna be to cause an argument. The other person is more likely to want to throw things in your face to communicate to you how that has affected them and you and everyone else if you're not able to say it.
So actually it's making it more painful for you to skip these parts. ~Another piece. ~An important piece of an effective apology is skip the excuses. Don't follow up with any kind of, but whether that but is true or not true, valid, not valid. Whatever it is, just skip it. When you're apologizing for something, you're not saying that you are the only one at fault, right?
Maybe. There are other circumstances beyond, that other people or situations contributed to the issue. That's fine. You're not saying it's all you and it's only you and you're the only one that messes up ~whatever. ~That's not what you're saying, but you really don't wanna bring those parts in because it comes across to the [00:08:00] other person.
Like you're minimizing it like you're making excuse, and mostly it's given the impression that you're really not really taking responsibility. ~Okay. ~If there are other situations or things that are coming into play, there's a way to acknowledge that and a way that's not going to diminish you coming across like you're taking responsibility.
For example, you can say something like. I know that when X, Y, or Z happens, I tend to do this and that's the problem and I gotta find a better way to deal with that. I gotta find another coping skill. I gotta find a way around that so if you're gonna acknowledge these external situations or circumstances, then go ahead and acknowledge, which is bringing us to the next point of a genuine apology.
Your plan for dealing with that differently. Okay, so we've got acknowledgement. We've got no excuses and we've got [00:09:00] having a plan. Another piece, and I want you to maybe write down these couple of pieces, is you wanna go acknowledgement, right? This is really a piece. This is the formula. ~So this is why I want you to write this for me.~
Down acknowledgement. Empathy action. Three words. Write those things down. If you are listening to this and you've been on the receiving end of an empty apology and you're agreeing with this, go ahead and put your hands up emoji in the comments or in the chats. If you're agreeing that these steps would definitely make for a more effective apology, or give us an example ~of a, ~of an empty apology you heard.
~Or a really good one. Those examples help everyone else who's watching, listening, reading these comments to get some ideas of their own. ~So acknowledgement of what you did, acknowledgement of how it impacts the other person. That naturally leads into the empathy when you can acknowledge how it impacts the other person.
Having an empathetic statement I know that puts you in X, Y, or Z position. ~I know that makes you. Feel like you can't rely on me. I know that makes it seem like I'm never gonna change. ~I know. It gives the impression that I'm not really serious about whatever the thing is or whatever [00:10:00] it saying that is an acknowledgement and an empathetic statement.
You can take that empathetic statement to another level by saying even more in depth about the position it puts them in. I know it makes you feel concerned about how that's gonna impact our kids, and that puts you in a bad position as a mom, because I know you're trying to be there for me, but you have to look out for you and the kids too.
Something like that. The more specifically you can have those empathetic statements, the more you're gonna be hitting the right spot. And lastly, and most importantly, action. ~So not. ~Not just communicating the action, which is important in that moment where you're taking responsibility to say, and here's what I'm going to do about it, but actually following through with those action steps.
Because even if you follow ~the ~this formula, the acknowledgement, the empathy, and the communicating your plan of action, you do it perfectly [00:11:00] if you don't follow through with those action steps. It is ~not gonna, it's ~not gonna be effective. And not only that, but the next time something comes up you're not gonna believe even that much more.
It's really hard to dig outta the hole of broken promises. And that's exactly what you're trying to do in early recovery. It's natural in early recovery, and I hear this in almost every single situation. The person in early recovery is like. They're never gonna get over it. They're always bringing it up.
Like they just can't get past it. And it's easy to say that when you're the person digging outta the hole because you're not necessarily the person that feels the hurt over the situation. You have hurt on some level. 'Cause when you have an addiction, you've hurt yourself. ~But it's easy to say that the other person should get over.~
Whatever it is that you did to them, right? Naturally, you want them to get over it faster, but you gotta have some empathy in what it would be like to be on the other side of that. ~Here's an example. Let's take a look. I've got some examples written down for you here of an empty apology and of a more effective apology.~
Let's take a look at the empty one first. Imagine this, imagine that your loved one says, [00:12:00] sorry, I drank again, but you know how stressed I've been lately. That's an example of, ~yeah. ~Yeah. I'm sorry. I just wanna make this conversation go followed by the excuse. It's just not gonna hit home, is it? It's not.
It's not cutting it. It's probably just gonna make you feel more angry and more resentful and keep the relationship dynamics stuck in the same old bad cycles going around and around ~river. ~Let's take a look at maybe a more effective way to do that. ~Our example of. ~A better apology might be something like, I'm sorry, I drank again.
I know I broke your trust, and I can see how much that hurts you. I've scheduled a meeting with my sponsor tomorrow to talk about what went wrong, and I really am committed to making change. You can see that this apology takes a lot more ownership. It acknowledges how it's impacting the other person, and it's a clear, actionable, here's what I'm going to do about it.
This one. I would probably give this apology [00:13:00] probably. I wouldn't say it's a hundred percent, but it's pretty good comparatively. I'm gonna give this one definitely an A, like a 92 or something like that. I would give this one an A. It could be a little better because you could go into a little bit more depth about the empathy part and the acknowledgement part.
The action part of this is pretty good, but you see where we're going here. It's got the formula the acknowledgement. The empathy and the action. Those are the key pieces to an effective apology. Now, I know I said I was gonna spend a little time talking about how to respond if you feel like you're getting an empty apology.
This is delicate. Okay, so this is careful treaded water. Most of the time, ~your instinct is gonna tell, ~your instinct's gonna be to be angry and resentful when this happens, because not only are you angry and resentful about whatever happened that the person's apologizing for, but now you're double angry, resentful, because their [00:14:00] apologies almost making you more angry.
Than you were before because you've heard it before, because it feels like they're making excuse for it or they're minimizing it. So it's actually whatever they're doing is making it worse. And you're gonna be in an emotional state of mind, and you're probably gonna be really tempted to say something.
Super sarcastic. And so sarcastic is my word for smart, ecky and sarcastic all wrapped up into one. So you might wanna say something like, yeah, you've said that before. What are you gonna do about it? ~Or yeah. That's, I've heard it all before. ~What? What's gonna change? I know. Why you want to say that?
It's a valid feeling. It's a valid emotion, but it's not an effective way to respond to it. Most of the time when people are saying apology, they're. ~They are ~on some level truly regretful about it. But if you respond in this way, you're a lot more likely to just really get more defensiveness outta them than you are to get what you really want, which is that remember [00:15:00] that acknowledgement, the not making excuses, the taking responsibility action part.
So if you're hearing an empty apology and you're wanting to get. The person to do those things that we just talked about, there are some ways you can respond to that, that make it more likely. There's not a sure proof a hundred percent plan of if you do these things, they'll give you this perfect, genuine apology or whatever.
But there are definitely some things you can do that make it more likely and that make it less likely. ~This I'm hesitating to say it because I know I feel like this is like unfair of me to even ask you to do this, but I'm just gonna tell it to you 'cause I know it works. ~If you're getting an empty apology and you can respond to that with an empathy statement of your own, I know it's asking a lot.
~I get it. ~I feel bad at telling you this 'cause it's not fair. But y'all know, on this channel we talk, we don't talk about what's fair. We talk about what works. Okay, so someone's giving you an empty apology if you give them an empathy statement back. I know, I do know that you're really stressed lately, or I do know that you're really trying, or I do know that you feel let [00:16:00] down yourself about it.
~Something like that. ~The person's actually, because you're coming at them with empathy, they're a lot more likely to respond to that with a vulnerability if you can acknowledge their side. Their brain almost immediately, like a reflex will start thinking about and acknowledging your side.
Th they're very likely to respond with something like, yeah, I know, but I know I've said that 10 times and I know that it was important because X, Y, z they're just so much more likely to acknowledge your side of it. If you can start with an empathy statement, and I know it's not fair. I know that they're the one that messed up.
I sometimes I see comments on this channel about. Why are you always telling the family member or the loved one that they need to do better or they need to do different, blah, blah, blah. And I get that. I totally agree. It's not always fair, but it's about what works. ~Because a lot of times the reason it's not coming across as genuine isn't because it's not genuine from their heart is, and they don't feel.~
Regretful or apologetic about it, and not even, because they don't get how it's impacting you or other people, it's just more because they're defensive. And so what you're trying to do is get their defensiveness down. So number one, you can get [00:17:00] what you want out of it. And number two it's gonna prompt them to actually learn from their mistakes and create a situation where they're more likely to make a plan for how to not get in that situation again.
From both sides. The more empathy that you can have about it, the better. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to, as a family member, you have to just put it with whatever, and no matter what they did, you just have to respond with empathy. And empathy is a great place to start from, but you can follow that up with something along the lines of.
~I would feel better if I knew you had a plan for it. ~What can we do to make sure this isn't going forward, or, this is gonna happen to go forward? Or you can say, but I need to see some kind of different action here. If you start with the empathy statement and then you say either what you think needs to happen different or that you want some kind of plan or action outta them.
They're not a hundred percent for sure gonna give it to you, but they're a lot more likely to give you even more acknowledgement, more empathy in an action plan. I [00:18:00] know they're likely to say, I know you're right. I need to x, y, or z. I need to find some other better way of dealing with a certain situation.
I need to change this, do that, get serious about my recovery, whatever that is. They're just a lot more likely to acknowledge it. This is how you get out of that. ~A ~constant cycle of fighting, right? It's to come at it from a different place. You can shape your ~envir ~environment by how you respond to your environment.
'cause your environment is responding to you no matter which side that you're on. I am hoping that this is helpful for both sides. Whether you are on the, I need to make an apology side, or I am hearing these apology side to learn that there are things you can do on both sides to shift this dynamic, right?
When people come into ~to ~my office and they've made a mistake, which is, fairly common and they've messed up ~the. ~I [00:19:00] never start out the gate with any kind of, I told you or I thought we talked about it. You said you weren't gonna go there, or I told you needed to be going to more meetings.
~No, no version of that. ~I always start out with some kind of empathy statement. I literally am like, oh no, I know you're heartbroken. ~Oh, and ~I come at it with a huge amount of empathy. Now I usually do it in a tone that's not overly. Sappy or babying. I tend to have a little humor because actually I have the empathy statement, but I say it with kind of a lightness to it instead of a darkness to it, because the person already feels a lot of shame and guilt, ~and they're already worried about.~
~The conversation that they're gonna have. And so I don't wanna make it more uncomfortable. ~The more comfortable I can make the conversation, the more likely they are to go in depth about what happened, to learn from what happened, to be committed to changing what happened. If I respond to somebody who's made a mistake and they've.
~Whatever they've ~done something they regret and they come in my office and they tell me about it. And I respond to that in a heavy way. In a negative way, in a critical way. And I told you so way, they're likely to just be defensive with me. They're probably gonna [00:20:00] shut down the conversation and they're probably not going to tell me about it if and when ~it ~they ever have any struggle in the future.
So how you respond to these situations make a big difference. Some of you may have heard me say this before, but empathy actually. Activates the learning part of someone's brain. So if you want someone to learn and change and to think critically about it, the best way to respond is through empathy.
And when you, even if you're. Coming from the side of giving the apology. If you lead with empathy for the person that you're talking to, they'll almost automatically see your side of the situation. So ~empathy makes ~empathy, gets more empathy from the other side, and it creates learning. It's going to shift the dynamic.
I promise you, I've been doing this for 20 something years, and if you respond to empathy with empathy, when someone makes a mistake. You're a lot more likely to get a better reaction. You're a lot more likely to get a lot more truthfulness [00:21:00] out of the person. So there are things that you can do to influence the situation.
You can't control it, but you can influence it. ~We are about to the part of our show today where we're gonna take some questions and comments. So go ahead and put those in the chat. ~If you're watching live, if you're watching the playback, go ahead and put those in the comments. If you are here live, Brie is moderating back there behind the scenes.
She's looking for some good questions and comments, so go ahead and get them up there. If they're on the subject, they're a lot more likely to get put up on the screen and answer. We'll try to get to as many of those as we can. But while you're getting those questions up there, I just wanna finish with this.
Recovery is all about small acts of integrity, and by small acts of integrity, actions that align with your values. Following through with what you said, not because you're trying to be responsible for to another person. Yeah, that's part of it, but mostly because. It's going to make you feel better about yourself.
You are going to feel more confident, more strong. Your relationships [00:22:00] are gonna be better. You're gonna get different responses from your environment and from the people that you care about. It's about small. Acts of integrity, and that includes if you mess up owning your mess up because you can still have integrity.
Even if you fall short, you can pull it right back on track by owning it, taking responsibility for it, and figuring out the way you need to correct.
Lastly, before we get to the questions, I have put resources for you as always in the description. One of the resources down there is Amber ai. ~I haven't talked about Amber AI in a few weeks, but she is going strong and awesome. ~Amber AI is the virtual clone of me. She's been trained by. All of the content that I've made, every blog post I've ever written, every video I've ever written, I've even trained her from real conversations and sessions that I've had with people.
And so if you are in a position to need to apologize, one of the things that Ambria does extremely well is she'll help you craft the right words. Like you can go in and say this and this [00:23:00] happened. ~I don't know when to bring it up. I don't know how to bring it up. ~I don't know what to say. And she'll tell you, she'll craft you a very beautiful, effective apology.
Or on the other side, if you're dealing with someone who maybe has let you down or gave you an empty apology or they've relapsed what they haven't said, she can help you craft the words. ~I, she does a lot of things. But ~I feel like one of the things that she does best is help you to come up with the actual words to say in a situation to change the dynamics of the relationship to get a different result.
So that's down there. Strengths-based, coasting is down there. All the things. It's all in there. All right, Brie, what do we got? Julie m says, what are the three words you said again, please? ~Empathy. ~They're empathy, they are acknowledgement. It's actually, let me put 'em in order. It's acknowledgement, empathy, and action.
Those are the three words. And yes, empathy activates the learning part of the brain. That's right. And the way I learned this was through you guys know those, ~there's a, there's a. ~Series of ~books. They're old ~books called Parenting with Love and Logic, and it's all about parenting. They got like a version of it [00:24:00] for little kids, toddlers, teens, adult kids, whatever.
And they talk a lot in those books about how do you respond in parenting kind of situations. But those philosophies and understandings apply to human situations. So what else do we got? Abby says, what if the apology is pretty good, but no follow up. It makes sense. You don't want to throw back that you've heard it before.
For context, my loved one isn't being fully honest with his ther therapist. So growth has deceased decreased. I tried validating and understanding. It's hard and scary and I trust that they will when they find the strength, but it's been winks weeks and they aren't able to do it. ~Is it fake or genuine?~
~That's a really there's a couple questions there. But I'm gonna start with ~is it fake or genuine? I can't really tell you if it's fake or genuine because sometimes people don't tell their therapist what's going on because they feel shameful and they get it, but they're too embarrassed to bring it up.
Sometimes people don't [00:25:00] tell their therapist what's going on because. They're trying to influence the therapist. Like a lot of times people will come and tell me a story, but leave out certain parts because they're trying to get a certain response out of me. And that response is usually some sort of validation for how they're thinking or feeling or the decision that they made.
~So sometimes they're consciously aware they're doing that, and sometimes they're not. ~Sometimes they're just so caught up in their own narrative. They're not telling me certain pieces of the situation because they just can't see that piece. ~Like there, it's literally ~it's a denial issue more than ~like ~a conscious manipulation issue.
So it's hard to say if it's genuine or not, just based on the fact of whether or not they're addressing it with their therapist. But you can ask the question, Hey, have you brought this up with. Whatever the therapist's name is, and you could even say, did you tell 'em this part or that part, or whatever?
~If you want to, as long as you've, if you've started with some empathy and the dynamics are okay, you're gonna be able to pull that off without a lot of argument. ~But it's all in the tone. It's all in how you set that stage.
P Shy says, is it bad to withhold intimacy from your husband if he's trying to get sober but is getting worse? He just spent five days [00:26:00] sober in detox and drank the next day. Every time he tries to quit, he gets worse. Okay. ~There's a lot. There's a lot to here. ~Let's start with the first part. Is it bad to withhold ~in ~intimacy if you're withholding intimacy as a punishment?
It is probably not the best thing to do. ~Thi ~this issue actually comes up a lot and I have a couple episodes where we specifically address intimacy issues. The ones where we have Matt and Sherry on from the intoxicated podcast are really good 'cause they actually, not only are they a couple in recovery, but they actually studied this whole intimacy issue.
So it's really good if you wanna check those out. I mostly talk to husbands. ~Okay. I like to say I, ~I talk to all different kinds of people with addiction, but mostly I talk to husbands who drink too much. So the thing about the withholding intimacy it's complicated because sometimes if you're the spouse, you're like, look, I just don't have those feelings towards you, or I definitely don't feel that way if you've been drinking ~because I'm.~
~I, you might not say this, but you're definitely thinking, 'cause I'm disgusted with it because I just, it's hard for me to feel connected to you. So ~sometimes it's just hard when you're the spouse if you're not [00:27:00] doing it 'cause you literally, you've been hurt or the intimacy just isn't there, then you may need to communicate about that.
But honestly, withholding intimacy in a relationship is not really likely to get you the result that you want. You may want to bring intimacy back, not necessarily as a reward or a punishment, but when someone's sober. Even if you're just like flirty, even if you just say, Hey, you're really sexy when you're like this, right?
~Or you, if you just show more affection you are putting some positive validation, especially if that's something that the other person wants more of in the relationship or whatever. ~I think you can use it. As a positive reinforcement during like sober times or times when things are on track.
I have in many situations seen this whole you're on, you're cut off for six months kind of thing. That's a bad plan. I would not suggest that you do that. It's not likely to get you the result that you want. The other person's just gonna feel more resentful. They're gonna feel sorry for themselves.
It's not gonna be helpful. I do wanna quickly address the part where you said ~he, ~he tries to get better, but he gets worse. That's the nature of addiction, is that every time you go [00:28:00] back into it, it does get worse. So it's not necessarily something he's doing wrong other than the fact that he's falling back, but it gets worse and worse.
And I think it's actually good that the person sees that. The last thing I want is for someone to have a relapse and it not go that bad. If you're trying to get better and you have relapse I want it to go bad and I want it to go bad quick because that's how we're gonna not get into the Nile about it.
So the fact that it gets worse is probably on track with the nature of the issue, and it's not necessarily the worst thing.
Laura Kay says, what can you say when they just keep lying to you? My son won't ever admit when he is high and apologizes when necessary to get his way or manipulate. I hear what you're saying, Laura. And ~a lot of, ~I've had a lot of clients do the same thing. Like I've got a client right now who has come to session High, and if I ask him, he'll just deny it or just totally minimize it or say, yeah, I drank yesterday or something.
And, I don't know that you could be any more kind and accepting than I am, so I [00:29:00] don't feel like it's necessarily something that you're doing. It has to do with their own shame or the fact that they're trying to avoid trouble. So if you typically get a lie, then I would say don't ask the question.
You can make a statement, but don't ask a question because they're just gonna say no. I've also had other clients that would come in and say. No matter what, if some, if my wife asks me if I've been drinking, I'm just gonna say no. And they can say I, the next day, I'll admit it, but in the moment it's like this automatic reflex of response.
~And I've had clients tell me like, I don't know why I do that, but I'd always do that. They wish they would stop doing that, but it's a reflex. Yeah. ~Trish says, my husband is currently in treatment for alcoholism. Is it enabling if I talk to his counselor and see if he's being honest with the counselor, or is it his own decision to be honest with him?
This is another really great question. I don't think it's enabling. I definitely wouldn't use that word as far as if you talk to a counselor. ~Is that enabling, it's the opposite of enabling, right? It's like. ~Putting the truth out there, what I would tell you about it is to don't do it in secret for.
Several reasons. Having [00:30:00] been the person in the middle of that, getting the information. If a loved one calls and tells me information, but they tell me not to tell the other person that they told me, or that it's a secret and the other person doesn't know that they know it or whatever, there's nothing I can do with the information.
~So it's of no use. And then I'm just even more frustrated with the situation. 'cause I know it, but they won't bring it up. I know they're not telling it to me, but I can't tell 'em what you're telling it to me. ~So if you're going to do that, you need to be on the above board about it. So you need to tell the other person that you're going to do it, or if you're gonna send an email or something, copy the other person on it or whatever.
Don't do it in secrecy because. It. The counselor can't do anything with it if you don't give them permission to say it. And if it comes out later somehow that the counselor knew it but didn't say they know it, it's gonna damage the relationship between the person and the counselor and the relationship between them and you.
So if you're gonna do it above board. And I don't think it's a bad idea necessarily. I just don't want you to do it in secrecy.
Tina says, why do I feel so suspicious like the FBI? That's a good [00:31:00] question, Tina. You feel so suspicious because whatever's going on, you've been trained that you must look deeper into the issue and to not accept things on surface level. So yeah, there's probably a really good reason why you feel that way.
It's probably valid over a long period of training. Right now, acting on that feeling isn't quite. So productive all the time. ~I've, ~I have videos on this channel where I talk about, turn in your badge, turn in your CSI badge. It's not doing you any good. ~It's keeping you it, ~it's reinforcing that feeling ~suspicious thing.~
~It's, and ~it's definitely not helping the other person be better. Is it a valid feeling? A hundred percent. ~Is it a, ~is it great to act on that feeling all the time, or even express that feeling all the time? Not so much.
Tamara says, what about backhanded? Apologies. I'm sorry. I'm such a POS designed to leave you reassuring them. Oh, you know what? I heard another YouTuber put a name on this, which I know what you're talking about right here, but I never knew that [00:32:00] there was like a name for it. Maybe she made it up, I don't know.
But she called it performative. Guilt. And it is exactly what you're saying, Tamara. It's like the, I know I'm just a loser. I'm just a sorry, psych of crap. And you deserve better. That's, that is manipulative. You're right on track, Tamara. And it is exactly designed to get you to say you're not that bad ~to, so it's pretty smart actually, right?~
It's a way to get you, to make them feel better. When you get a statement like that. You can start with an empathy statement, I know you're disappointed too. And then you can follow that up by saying something like, but when you say things like that, to me it feels like you're just avoiding responsibility, by saying, I'm such a loser.
It's not helping, it's not helping me feel better about it. And it's making me feel like you're just letting yourself off the hook with those statements. What else you got? That's what I like to say to clients. What else you got? ~It's not quite, it's not quite getting there yet, so yeah, you're right.~
It's manipulation. Spot on. Suzanne Smith says, how do I handle when he apologizes and says [00:33:00] he will get back on track with meetings and hi. And it lasts about two or three weeks and the pattern repeats all over again. Do I empathize and say, what else can you do differently? But this pattern has been going on for several years.
~He got at. Most two months of sobriety last year. ~This is a super great question, Suzanne, 'cause I know that you are not the only one in this situation, right? This is super common. I actually want you to take the opposite approach to this. When they say I'm gonna get track back on track with meetings, I want you to say you know what, that's great because I've noticed that.
You do really well when you're on track with your meetings. I want you to validate it, right? And you can follow that up by saying something like, I know it's hard to keep that up over a long period of time, but I've definitely noticed a distinct difference in you. So you wanna validate it as opposed to saying yeah.
~That's what you always say. You last two weeks and then you fall off the wagon. You don't wanna say that. ~If it's a step in the right direction and clearly they probably mean it more than just saying it. 'cause they actually do follow through with it. They just don't keep it going. You can even have a conversation with them about how can I make that, is [00:34:00] there something we can do to make that more feasible?
Like something with a schedule or meetings closer or whatever. But I wouldn't come at it like by reminding them how they always say that or they always do that and then they don't keep with it. Go the opposite direction. All right, we are at the end of our time, Brisa. Thank you for everybody who showed up.
~As always, there are resources and description, Amber eyes down there, but plus there's a whole lot more resources down there and ~if you're watching on the replay, we're glad you're here. If you wanna join us live and get your questions up here, we are live every Thursday at 1:00 PM and we release new videos every Tuesday morning as well.
I'll see you guys next week. Bye everybody.
