Grieving the Person You Thought You Married

addicted loved one addicted spouse/partner Dec 23, 2025

Ambiguous Grief: Mourning an Addicted Spouse Who Is Still Alive

One of the hardest parts of loving someone with an addiction isn’t just the drinking, the using, the mood swings, or the unpredictability.

It’s the grief.

A grief almost no one talks about.

Because the person you’re grieving is still alive—and still standing right in front of you.

What Is Ambiguous Grief?

This experience has a name: ambiguous grief.

Ambiguous grief happens when you’re mourning someone who is still physically present but emotionally unavailable or fundamentally changed. There’s no clear ending. No funeral. No casseroles dropped off at your door. No moment when the world agrees that you’re “allowed” to fall apart.

So instead, you keep showing up.
You keep functioning.
You keep hoping things will change.

And all the while, you’re grieving—quietly and alone.

This is one of the loneliest forms of grief there is.

What You’re Really Mourning (Even If You Can’t Put It Into Words)

Many people living with an addicted spouse struggle because they can’t quite name what they’ve lost. But when you slow down and look honestly, the grief becomes clearer.

You may be grieving:

The partner who used to be present
The person who laughed with you, showed up for you, and felt emotionally available.
The future you imagined
The trips you planned, the retirement you pictured, the way you thought your kids’ lives would unfold.
The feeling of being chosen
When addiction takes priority, it can feel like you’ve been replaced—like you come second to alcohol or drugs.
Your own innocence
The version of you who didn’t see this coming, who trusted fully, who believed love would be enough.
Hope itself
The hope that rises every time they promise to change—and crashes every time they don’t.

Unlike traditional grief, this loss doesn’t happen once.

It happens over and over again.

Why This Grief Hurts So Much

When someone dies, there is an ending. A ritual. A point where healing can slowly begin.

With ambiguous grief, there is no closure.

Your spouse is still there. Sometimes you even catch glimpses of the person you fell in love with—a sober morning, a good day, a real moment of connection. And just when hope reignites, it disappears again.

So you don’t grieve once.
You grieve again and again.

Every disappointing night.
Every broken promise.
Every moment you realize, once more, that this is your reality.

You Are Allowed to Grieve—Even Now

Here’s something you need to hear clearly:

You do not have to wait for things to be “officially over” to grieve.

Grieving does not mean:

You’re giving up
You’re planning to leave
You’ve stopped loving them

It simply means you’re acknowledging the truth of what you’ve lost—so you don’t have to carry it alone.

You don’t have to pretend you’re fine.
You don’t have to keep swallowing your sadness.
You don’t have to minimize your pain because they’re “still alive.”

Your grief is real.

How to Cope With Ambiguous Grief

There’s no quick fix for this kind of pain, but there are ways to survive it without losing yourself.

1. Let Yourself Feel It

You don’t need to fall apart all day, every day—but stop pretending the grief isn’t there.

Journal about it
Talk to someone safe
Cry in the car if you need to

Naming the pain reduces its power.

2. Separate the Person From the Addiction

The person you married is still in there somewhere.

Addiction hijacks the brain. It takes over priorities, emotions, and the ability to show up. That doesn’t excuse harmful behavior—but it does explain it.

You are not crazy for missing who they used to be.

That person was real.

3. Build a Life That Isn’t Dependent on Them Changing

This is not about giving up—it’s about survival.

You deserve to feel okay regardless of what they choose to do.

That might look like:

Reconnecting with friends
Working with a therapist
Pursuing something that belongs just to you

This isn’t selfish.
It’s necessary.

If This Feels Like Your Life Right Now

If you’re missing someone who’s still in the house…
If you’re wondering where the person you loved went…
If you feel weak for struggling—

You’re not.

This is one of the hardest experiences a person can go through, and you are not alone.

Support, education, and tools do exist to help you navigate this without losing yourself. And you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

There are resources linked below if you’re ready to take the next step.

👇Additional Resources:

💡 Amber's 30-Day Jump Start for Early Recovery
🧠 Strengths-Based Recovery Coaching
🔐 Rapid Relationship Repair Course
📱 24/7 Advice from Amber AI